Dani the Earth Angel

Intriguing start that grabbed my attention straightaway!

Dear Natasha, you're not active here but your vote still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

I get the feeling that this could be really popular with mid-teens. You seem to have the lifestyle and characters of people of this age very well written, and the fact that your main protagonist is an apparently normal person who is actually an angel is a wonderful idea. His voice is a great mix of the concerns of a teenage boy and the deeper insight of an angel. A great story – backed :-)

A nice feel good factor read I can imagine watching this as a film at Christmas. You bring in all of the elements to entice your audience.
We find empathy with Dani's dilemma's and the many situations he finds himself in.
I think you have pitched this just right for its genre and I could imagine my elder grandchildren would enjoy this.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

Prologue did a great job to set up the situation. Some people aren't big on prologues but I see why one is needed here. I LOVE how in the first chapter you jump right into his "cover". The part in italics was beautiful also. I took it that at the start of that chapter his prayer was being interrupted. YA's are going to love this. And it has an excellent voice and great pacing, too! I'm not usually a huge fan of first person unless done well, but it's done well here. The first chapter sort of has a voice over effect. you've done a good job spacing the intros to other characters as well. Chapter 2 (marked 3 here because of the prologue) works well to show the school life, something your target audience will also relate to. You do need to work on a few small things. Dialogue punctuation and tagging would be the main two. Here is a little bit of info on both. It will help you polish this already good story and make it even better.
http://www.rebecca-hamilton.com/?p=14
http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/2009/10/marks-of-amateur-starting-list.html
(edittorrent in general is an awesome site)
more on comma usage:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

Just needs a little polish, but still better than most books here, and you have what most people don't--a good idea and a great voice. Backed.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

An interesting read, cutely crafted, written and engaing. Your style, voice and descriptive simplicity is quite alluring and captivating. Good teen blurb. Goodluck.

Dear Natasha,

I have finished all you have up and enjoyed it. Having a teen angel earning his wings is a great gimmick and you carry it off very well.

The vibrating pouch is perfect as a way of Dani keeping track of his feathers. I agreed with all the vibrations you told about, but wondered if there was a penalty for acting non-angelic. Dani's response to Burt and a few of Dani's other reactions seemed likely to make him lose a few feathers.

The singing and whistling made the angel idea more real than anything else. Your description and the term "Morning Song" conveyed an angelic presence which a teenager alone just wouldn't convey.

I had some problem with the POV changes and tense changes in chapter 7. The flow of the story was interrupted when I tried to figure out what you were doing. Some concentrated revision is needed here.

On the whole, your book has much promise and it will be interesting to see what you do with it. For that reason, I am backing it.

Ancient Reader

Dani the Earth Angel has captured the inner teen age voice, and logic, to a T. Both what is important in the young mind and where the emphasis should be are illustrated by the narrator. The prose is direct, not over embellished and eminently readable. The premise that an angel has to earns his wings is not new but the treatment given here by this writer is original and perceptive.

BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Interesting and well-constructed. You have a good dialogue and your MC is engaging. I am intersted to know what really drives Dani - the desire just to do "good", or solely for the ultimate purpose of gaining those wings!! I guess I will have to come back to this to find out. In the meantime, backed. Colin

Well written and engaging. The competition is really edge of the seat stuff.
Should be finished.
Backed
Abel Kane
The Alchemists' Cookbook

Engaging and well written. Backed. Please take a look at No Do Overs ...and other truths.

Thanks!

Carla Marie

this is a very good story-line and you have done a good job. I would watch the punctuation marks though, but I am sure you'll have to put your manuscript through a rigorous edit by the time you get up to the Editors Desk. In any case there is something I think you ought to change and that's your small pitch, For me I would write something like; Dani the Angel must find a way to earn his wings on earth, will he succeed in spite of Dark forces saying otherwise; Mind you I haven't read the full story, but if I was to look at this pitch I would be enticed to read the book. All these are just my point of view, so you can do as you wish as no one here on this site is an expert least of all me. Good luck with your writing my friend and I look forward to seeing your book at the top.
Cheers,
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

I can't find any serious flaws in your writing per se. Perhaps a few commas are out of place or a word here and there in the wrong position but you have the strong and resolute style of someone who knows what they want to write about and does so with confidence and aplomb. I've never been a great fan of first person narratives so I may not be the best person to judge. However, I thought it might be more satisfying from the reader's viewpoint if he/she were to discover Dani's true ID at the same time as he does. I also agree that the prologue could be dispensed with altogether...I also wonder how original the idea of angels and samaritans among the rest of us really is? I hope my comments are helpful and I wish you well in your future as a writer...believing in yourself is the key!
Stay well
Stewart

You have a wonderful idea here. I would consider beginning the story at Dani's earliest possible age. The part in the prologue about being able to remember being born. Awesome idea. I wrote a short story about that. Start right there, when Dani is coming into the world. Talk about a hook, that would be it. I'd also consider deleting the entire prologue. It summarizes way too much. It gives away way too much. In chapter one, you begin moment-to-moment story telling and that's what works well for you. Again, begin at the beginning. Excellent idea. Keep up the good work.

J. Moore
Vigilante

great idea, brilliantly written. stylish and clear...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Dear Natasha,
What a lovely beginning to your story! First person narrative is just right to introduce an angel, since an angel is all thought and no physical substance. Good start!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

"Good deeds rub off on others." I like your story about doing good, and, yes, you spread cheer, Natasha C Malone. Here's best wishes to you and your lovely Dani the Earth Angel.

Backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Engaging and well written, great contrast between the characters
backed
simon- Charlie Marconi

What? An angel story? No vampire? BACKED!

One thing, 5'5" is average height for a woman who would be the age of Dani's mom. 5', 5'2", maybe even 5'3" but 5"4" is smack dab average. :-)

"Dani if I call your name one more time ..." Comma after 'Dani.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this problem. Other than that, This is a charming story. Your characters are believable, interesting and well-developed. Your descriptions are vivid. Your conversations flow naturally and propell your story. Your pacing kept me riveted. This is a well-executed, captivating story. Backed.

Great theme. I love this and you weave it very well. Refreshing change from all the violence and bad scenes. This is light, imaginative and so right for the young crowd. I like best the time you have taken to reflect on the good and the idea of doing good in the world which we hope is as contagious as the flu.

Great read. delightful indeed.
best

interesting and original idea

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

This is an enchanting, endearing story.

Firstly, you do have a typo in your pitch in the word 'enemies'. A pitch is so important. I know as I have done it myself.

In the first two lines you introduce contrast with Dani's poetical angelic thoughts and his mother bellowing. That is so good as it jerks the reader into focussing on the narrative. I do like the first person narrator here introducing a sense of immediacy and intimacy with the reader, as they become the narrator's confidante. It also builds a bond of loyalty between reader and narrator.

I also liked the contrasts in Dani's character, for example in Mrs. Spiegel's 3rd period class.
I loved the line 'My Mom will never meet a stranger' a great way of showng rather than telling as you go on to show how friendly she is.

There are also some strong characters here from your descriptions together with their dialogue and Dani's interior dialogue. They are well-rounded, fairly leaping off the page, e.g. Ramona - Rona, Ryan, Gigi with the rhinestone mirror. You also show that Dani is not a goody good, as he laughs at Ramona who would readily earn good and bad feathers.

It is also interesitng how he earns his feathers through involuntary acts of help and kindness.
One of them being as Ryan is choking. You introduce some drama and tension for the reader here as Ryan chokes and his friends think he is kidding as usual.

Mr. Sams shows a child's imaginaton running riot. Well done.

It is in chapter 6 that I feel we are beginning to get to the real tensions as Rona hears Dani singing. Her amazement and descriptions of it being hypnotic, out of this world, beautiful, really begin to show Dani for what he is - an angel. Well the most recognized version.

You introduce this chapter with an inciting incident inasmuch as you have the reader guessing. Compelled to read on.

As this is such a lovely book I do hope Ii might suggest a couple of little things.

It would be a little more enticing, engaging the reader's attention, if you could repeat what you did in chapter six. That is by starting and ending each chapter with a question or dilemna, however subtle or dramatic. The reader will be urged to turn rapidly to the next chapter. I don't think it would be too difficult to do that , as it would only mean adding a sentence or two at the beginning and end of each chapter.

You do give a dramtic beginning to ch. 7. but the ending fizzles away again. Again in ch. 8 you have an exciting beginning but again it trails away at the end instead of ending with a hook. This is something that is easily remedied as you are such a skilled narrator.

I do appreciate that in an enchanting book of this angelic genre, it is a given that it will be moral, charming, inspiring and giving out a message to the young developing mind. But just a little more colour with the hooks will make it a treasure for any child's bookshelf.

To show how excellent your book is, I burnt the potatoes reading it. Completely absorbed I forgot about them!!

This is a charming, enchanting story and I wish you every success.

Already backed with pleasure.

Best wishes,
Katy.xx
Phobic Dawn.

Talented writing with an intriguing storyline makes this easy to back!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

This is such a sweet story, I'm gonna read it to my kids.

Natasha -

Dani the Earth Angel - The writing is lovely. Dani's intereactions and the dialogues make it easy for the young ones to get into the story. He has his work cut out. Will he earn enough feathers for his wings? A delightful idea.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Dani the Earth Angel

Natasha C Malone

I wish I could earn feathers by doing good deeds - at least one could make a pillow! This is a nice idea for a YA story. Dani seems to be the kind of character who could be a good role model for young people. There is a dreamy quality to the writing - which doesn't surprise me as we are dealing with an angel on earth sent to earn his wings. "Good deeds rub off on others" - already he is an idealist. Perhaps in later chapters he might learn that that's not always the case - as the saying goes, if you wear your heart on your sleeve, even doves will peck at it. So, he needs 2, 151, 981 more feathers to earn his wings? That's quite a huge lot of good deeds to perform in one lifetime! This is a very good plot and I realy like Dani - you have the perfect set up for a YA classic. Hope it gets far.

You are totally fantastic, Natasha! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Dani. I also really like your use of the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Natasha
I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. I would like to commend you on the skill you have and the imagination and the talent in writing this work of art of yours. I loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha!

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

There are several books exploring this theme on here but you stand out. Your accessible style make this an easy read, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Wow, Thanks alot Patrick!! I take this compliment with a smile :)

There are several books exploring this theme on here but you stand out. Your accessible style make this an easy read, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

"His angelic nature is a secret to all who know him -- even his mom." Really, even as a baby? I thought all mothers thought their sons were little angels. I don't remember how I got here, either. "I was nervous but not because I thought I would get anything wrong. It was actually the opposite - I feared I'd get too many right." Just like an angel and they win the "10th Annual Meager Math Competition!" This could be a fascinating book for young adults. "So how did you do it?" Probably had something to do with his angel bag. I'll be back to read more. Backed for now.

DANI THE EARTH ANGEL
This is different. You are a great storyteller. Compelling main characters that we can enjoy. The structure is well crafted and the story skips along at a fair pace. This shows a lot of promise.I am happy to back this as I think it will do well in the right market and targeted at the right audience.

When you have a moment could you please take a look at my own book; The Assassins Village. Very good luck on here.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS’ VILLAGE

Hi Natasha, enjoying your journey. I commented and backed yours already, however, do to some glitch in my system (as I've been told by others), you may not have received the comment or the backing. Soooooooo trying again. Apologies if I'm repeating myself! However, I wanted to tell you I appreciate your tale. Nice structure, and your sentences run consistent and smooth. Nice way your keep in your universe, nice tale!

blessings,
jim

Nice voice, good narration (though a little heavy on “telling”) and realistic dialogue. Gues YA would love the story…so I’m backing it and wish you good luck.
Dan
PS Could you pls look at mine?

I just had to back this one. It is a parallel story to my own Thomas Fairchild book, about Tom, who comes to earth to earn his angel wings. (Based on my intellectually handicapped grandon's life.) I may have backed your book at an earlier time, or maybe someone else also had the idea, but never mind, the stories are quite different. I think you have done a wonderful job with your version, and there is room enough for us all.
Your story about Dani is quite delightful. I enjoyed your pitch very much and was not disappointed by the content of your story. I wish you the best of luck in getting published. We need more stories like this. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Dear Natasha
Congrats on posting Dani the Earth Angel. I really liked your synopsis and see this a potential great. Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

:) comment to follow :)

thanks

Dear Natasha, I love your cute story of Dani getting his feathers for his wings by doing good deeds. :) His singing at the end of chapter 5 was fantastic :) - making a joyful noise unto the Lord, for sure :) - joy unspeakable & full of glory for sure, for sure. :) Great story with beckoning pitch, tight dialogue, & paragraphs to make for a smooth read! :) Hope you'll write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir/testimony book? :) Thank you from the the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."