The Power Within

Thank you so much. I don't think I'm brilliant by any means, but working on it. I haven't decided if I want to write this from third person or first yet. I like reading first better but I seem to write better third. I don't know. What do you think about third vs. first in writing?

You are a brilliant writer. Powerful entertaining read.



Backed for sure
THE MIND SETTER

You are a brilliant writer. Powerful entertaining read.



Backed for sure
THE MIND SETTER

Thank you so much for your reply. I know it needs a lot of work, but I appreciate how you commented on specifics and contradictions. This tells me that all people have completely different opinions and no one person has the exact right answer or is the best writer in the world. So thank you for that. I truly appreciate it. Stacie

This is a good read for middle school or high school age persons. I really felt like I was in the moment and the boyfriend possessiveness inspired dread as it should, building for later.
Nice job. Actually I have seen someone with Tahitian green eyes before. Flip flops are a contemporary reference. And yes, one can have a single dimple. I think you are trying to convey the conflicts in character as young people develop, hence some of the contradictions.
Roberta

This is a good read for middle school or high school age persons. I really felt like I was in the moment and the boyfriend possessiveness inspired dread as it should, building for later.
Nice job. Actually I have seen someone with Tahitian green eyes before. Flip flops are a contemporary reference. And yes, one can have a single dimple. I think you are trying to convey the conflicts in character as young people develop, hence some of the contradictions.
Roberta

Stacie -

The Power Within - The pacing and essential writing works well. What may prevent some of the sophisticated members here to read further is your over enthusiastic use of similes. A comparision has to be fresh and deepen the meaning. Try not to use it as ornamention. Like in the first paragraph ... it only made her hand throb with pain ... is enough. Bringing in the brick wall only dilutes. If you find an experienced writer to work with you through one chapter (a kind of masterclass) you'll quickly unlearn unhelpful habits, something we all start out with. There's a good flow to your writing, and you have a good story. So no effort will be wasted.

Best perserverance, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Stacie--
It's not an altogether bad story, but it could definitely use a bit of editing. And a little more show, and less tell... as for some of your descriptions, comparing people's psychical appearance to something else to describe how beautiful they are, is always a crap shoot, but as Stewart pointed out, Tahitian waters is questionable at best. The best advice I can think of is to use writing books as a guide, not necessarily a bible. You're writing style should come from what you think it should sound like, not because it's underused or overused. On the whole though with some editing maybe a little re-writes it could be a good story. Though admittedly I don't read YA fiction (Harry Potter excluded) so I'm not really a good judge.
A.J.

I think Stuart was a little harsh in the way he pointed out certain mistakes. I think you have something. This is exactly the kind of book that I love to read. Yes, there are quite a few mistakes with regards to spelling, grammar, punctuation etc and some of your sentences are rather too long (I am also guilty of that!) and contain a plethora of unnecessary adjectives but I was instantly drawn into the story and imediately liked Blake and wanted to kick Garrett in the *****. The sentence 'oh, he did it know, Em thought' has already been mentioned but I think you meant to say 'heart to flutter' and the word armor (armour) stood out to me. It may need a bit of work but whose writing doesn't? You have set the scene well and if you have the basic plot already worked out and decide to complete the book, I would definately read it.
Regards Raquel.
Foxblood (also a teenage novel!)
Ps. If you read my other comments you'll know that I always say what I think!

I appreciate your honesty. It may be the only truth I have read to date. The eyes glowing green like Tahitian waters came from a do's and don'ts in writing. I was skeptical myself. Deep brown was also looked at as 'overused' in a writing book I read. The slightly's, guess I never really paid attention to that. He does where the flip flops because is is a "surfer boy" The fruity gum was supposed to smell sweet, your completely right, smelling like sweat would be disgusting. If it is assumed that dimples came in pairs, then this would sound ridiculous, however I know several people with on dimple. I truely appreciate you opinion. I know my punctuation and grammar are not good, that is something I was going to deal with later had it come to that. I'm guessing now that from what you read I should keep it as a hobby rather than to pursue further writing. If you feel this way about this piece then you probably would feel the same way about the chapter I wrote for A Place to Call Home. If your up for it, have a go at it. The chapter is much smaller. You may not be able to get much out of it. Thanks Stacie

Black is deep brown, isn't it?
Did you ever see anyone with eyes that glowed green like Tahitian seawater?
How can a swagger be 'slightly' arrogant?
How can fruity gum smell like 'sweat'?
Brown leather flip-flops hardly match the image of Blake as you describe him!
I believe dimples usually come in pairs!
Why so many 'slight/slightly/a little' etc?
Besides the fact that I am averse to US college-type scenarios, this is more like a parody...something Mel Brooks might conjure up for a laugh. The cliched nature of both character and plot make it very difficult for the reader to buy into it in the way I assume you want. You also need to revise the text for multiple errors in language and punctuation. Sorry I can't be more positive but you did ask for an honest assessment.
Best wishes
Stewart

Black is deep brown, isn't it?
Did you ever see anyone with eyes that glowed green like Tahitian seawater?
How can a swagger be 'slightly' arrogant?
How can fruity gum smell like 'sweat'?
Brown leather flip-flops hardly match the image of Blake as you describe him!
I believe dimples usually come in pairs!
Why so many 'slight/slightly/a little' etc?
Besides the fact that I am averse to US college-type scenarios, this is more like a parody...something Mel Brooks might conjure up for a laugh. The cliched nature of both character and plot make it very difficult for the reader to buy into it in the way I assume you want. You also need to revise the text for multiple errors in language and punctuation. Sorry I can't be more positive but you did ask for an honest assessment.
Best wishes
Stewart

I am so very sincerely grateful for your detailed critique. You picked out several things that I never saw or thought about. On this site people like to say nice things about other peoples work, but I'm not here for that. I want the down right ugly about it. I feel like you were being genuine, and if you were I'm shocked. I keep waiting for someone to tell me that it is just good or okay or sucks, but no one will seem to do that. So, I either actually have an ability to write or a lot of people are blowing smoke up my ***. I do want people to like what I write, I just didn't expect what I'm hearing. I still haven't decided if I am going through with it yet. I help critique for a published author. (Obviously not her grammar lol) The book we just finished is very close to being picked up by an agent from a well known company. Yeh! But, I have worked with her for a long time and know how hard it is to get an agent and then to get a book published. So, that being said, I truly don't know if I have what it takes. I don't want to write a novel, love it and then have it shot down by everyone. I guess that is why I am testing the waters on here. I have another chapter for another story on hear also. It is called A Place to Call Home. It would be great if you checked it out too. It is YA but not paranormal. The chapter is much smaller than this one, so you may not be able to get much out of it, but I've had good reviews about it as well. I just don't know how much stock to hold on these comments people are making. You seem like you are really critiquing which is awesome. That is what I do with the author I work with. I pick apart her story word by word and make suggestions. She gets ticked at me, but the book is much better when it is done. Have you published anything? or do you have a book on here? I would be happy to check it out. Thanks again so much. I would love to e-mail you some time if your up for it. Just let me know and I'll send it to you. Have a great night.

The Power Within

This is really good. There are so many little hooks you weave in this piece that we can’t help but read on.

I’m not sure about, ‘in her unsuspecting ear, startling her to flinch. ‘
By the time we’ve read this, the impact of the moment is gone. If it were me, I’d simply write, “Allow me,” a low voice whispered. She jumped, turning to see Blake Warren...

(Reading on)

This is all lovely description until we get down to, “well I’d better go then.” At that point I’m visualising him turning and walking off, because we’ve just heard that he will. The next paragraph confuses me so I reread the paragraph to find that he hasn’t actually gone. To clarify this I think you need to say something like, ‘Without drawing away from her, he dropped his gaze, softly chuckling to himself...’

“I... I’m fine(,)” Please do a global check for commas inside quotation marks and end of sentances having periods.

‘...showing off her gleaming white teeth...’ I’ve heard it said that agents/publishers have a checklist of things to look for to disqualify a manuscript. Breaking point-of-view is one of those things. Don’t give them an excuse. As this piece is from the POV of Em, so she wouldn’t see her gleaming white teeth. We already get the sense that she is good-looking so we know that she probably has teeth to dentist perfection.

Just one question. Isn’t Garrett going to notice that she is looking at Blake? (when she sees his ring)
Or are they walking side by side and he has his attention turned at that point?

‘in, click,’ I always thought this was clique?

“You know you’re coming(,) you moron.”

“...check on my dad first(.)” Full stop/period will go before quotation marks like commas. Please do a global check.

‘...finally spotting him’ - should that be, ‘finally spotting Blake.’ For clarity.

‘Oh, he did (cut ‘it’) know, Em thought(.)’

The rest is okay. I can't wait to read the next installment.

Wishing you all the best,

Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

Thank you so much. I hope you really meant what you said. I have been getting a lot of positive feedback and frankly, I'm a little shocked. I didn't think there was anything that great about what I was writing. I am very early in the work because I wasn't sure if I actually had what it took to make people want to read it so I haven't know anything. I have it layed out, but it will be a while before it is done if I continue with it. I know how hard the publishing companies are and that is if you are luck enough to find an agent, so it has to be completely mindblowing or it's going no where. So, that's kind of where I am at. I also have the other story starter on this side called A Place to Call Home. It is only one chapter too. Maybe you could read it and tell me what you think of that one? Sucks, great, better than this one, or non of the before mentioned. Haha. Seriously, I would like you to look at it but I understand if you don't. It is a much smaller chapter. I have that one all layed out too, but like I said, I'm still debating if I have what it takes to write and do well at it. I'm not looking to be the next Stephen King, I mean let's be realistic. But, I don't want to waste my time with the stories if they are never going to go anywhere. Thanks Stacie

The Power Within is quite good. If it's not a completed manuscript, I sincerely hope you're in the process of finishing it. If it's completed, I hope you'll upload some more chapters. You are talented and I think you've provided something here that your target reading audience, young adults, could be drawn into immediately. Good job and best wishes.

The Power Within is quite good. If it's not a completed manuscript, I sincerely hope you're in the process of finishing it. If it's completed, I hope you'll upload some more chapters. You are talented and I think you've provided something here that your target reading audience, young adults, could be drawn into immediately. Good job and best wishes.

Backed The Power Within. Great appeal for teens: magic and young love. When you're ready to edit, go back and check punctuation and grammar.
CC Brown
Dark Side

The Power Within

This is really good. There are so many little hooks you weave in this piece that we can’t help but read on.

I’m not sure about, ‘in her unsuspecting ear, startling her to flinch. ‘
By the time we’ve read this, the impact of the moment is gone. If it were me, I’d simply write, “Allow me,” a low voice whispered. She jumped, turning to see Blake Warren...

(Reading on)

This is all lovely description until we get down to, “well I’d better go then.” At that point I’m visualising him turning and walking off, because we’ve just heard that he will. The next paragraph confuses me so I reread the paragraph to find that he hasn’t actually gone. To clarify this I think you need to say something like, ‘Without drawing away from her, he dropped his gaze, softly chuckling to himself...’

“I... I’m fine(,)” Please do a global check for commas inside quotation marks and end of sentances having periods.

‘...showing off her gleaming white teeth...’ I’ve heard it said that agents/publishers have a checklist of things to look for to disqualify a manuscript. Breaking point-of-view is one of those things. Don’t give them an excuse. As this piece is from the POV of Em, so she wouldn’t see her gleaming white teeth. We already get the sense that she is good-looking so we know that she probably has teeth to dentist perfection.

Just one question. Isn’t Garrett going to notice that she is looking at Blake? (when she sees his ring)
Or are they walking side by side and he has his attention turned at that point?

‘in, click,’ I always thought this was clique?

“You know you’re coming(,) you moron.”

“...check on my dad first(.)” Full stop/period will go before quotation marks like commas. Please do a global check.

‘...finally spotting him’ - should that be, ‘finally spotting Blake.’ For clarity.

‘Oh, he did (cut ‘it’) know, Em thought(.)’

The rest is okay. I can't wait to read the next installment.

Wishing you all the best,

Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

Dear Stacie

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Em. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Yes I will check it out. Thanks so much for reading it so quickly!

Dear Stacie, I love your 7 chapters :) - I knew your story by heart by the time I got to #7. :) Darling romance :) - hope they get married & live happily ever after. :) I just love love-stories. :) Your pitch drug me in to read & your tight dialogue & paragraphs took me right through. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

Well, it's certainly not a boring story. It's actually quite interesting. Your sentence structure and grammar are flawless. You've used used descriptive phrases to the fullest and I can easily place my self in the environment. Em is obviously a beautiful young blonde teenager who has a huge crush on Blake. Or, is she in love? I see you've only uploaded your first chapter. So far so good.

Dear Stacie, I love your 7 chapters :) - I knew your story by heart by the time I got to #7. :) Darling romance :) - hope they get married & live happily ever after. :) I just love love-stories. :) Your pitch drug me in to read & your tight dialogue & paragraphs took me right through. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)