A Place to Call Home

Stacie, you certainly have something going with "A Place", and I see no real problem in revising and clearing the way as pointed out in the comments I've read. Skye is such an engaging person, andf it is she who draws the reader on.
John has the aspect of a child who just wants to play, which shows, in an appealing way, what his particular variety of the malady is like. Pathetic in the true sense.
If readers have gone to such trouble to enumerate errors of grammar and style, you have the best possible reason for getting down to your job, and making it into a really good book. On that basis I'm backing it, i.e. what it's going to be.
David Grant
"Pompey Chimes"

I completely appreciate your critique. It gives me a real idea of how I am not saying what I intended. I understand how you were talking about telling and not showing. I thought I did that until you gave me the examples. I will have to do a lot of revision to encompass something close to what your thought is. I completely agree with what you said. I see that my father did not come across as I intended. He has Bi-Polar and at the moment is not in a depressive phase. I didn't want to spell that out yet, so I'm guessing I will have to describe things differently if he is coming across as depressed. I will definitely take everything you said and go through what I wrote sentence by sentence and see how I can show and not tell. Thanks so much. I appreciate the honesty, that is all I was asking of anyone. Getting sugar coated critiques are of no help. So, thanks again, Stacie

There's a few issues with punctuation especially around dialogue. The formed should be:
"Hello," she said.
but sometimes you miss out the comma or capitalise the tag.

Also you occasionally miss out words, for example:
I getting sick of this crap.
so a good readthrough, out loud to yourself, might help sort that out.

In terms of story the pace is a litte slow. They arrive in the truck, she's the sensible one, starts unpacking, dad gets her into the sea and she lets herself feel how special it is but generally she can't afford to open herself up like that. You get across the sense of her weariness and general vibe of expecting disaster, but in a fairly straightforward manner (narratively speaking).

You spend a lot of time describing stuff, what they own, where they are, what role she has in this family but that kind of listing of stuff sucks the pace out of a story. It could use (in my opinion) more doing and less describing. Give her a purpose. instead of describing what's in the back of the truck, have her look for something specific, say a special sweater. and while she's looking for it describe the stuff she has to go through. That way you still tell the reader what's in the truck, but not just for the sake of it. That's quite a dull example, I don't know your characters well enough to suggest stuff appropriate for them, but techniques like that will help make it more engaging to read.

The same with her dad and his illness. Just telling the reader he's depressed and how she copes isn't very interesting. You need to show us. If he wants to go the beach and she says no and he gets back in the truck and sulks we know this isn't a normal father-daughter relationship (I know that isn't a great example either, just making a point). Exactly what the problem is and the whole backstory and their life story doesn't need to be spelled out immediately. Show us the dynamic and let the picture unfold at its own speed. Try to get as much info across in purely visual moments as possible. Try to have things happen in unexpected ways.

if a man says "Make me a coffee" and the woman makes the coffee, and then the woman says "Did you get the drugs" and the man takes out a bag of white powder, that's a fairly straightforward scene, but what does that tell you about their relationship? Not very much i reckon.

If the man says "make me a coffee" and the woman says "no", and then the man puts a bag of white powder on the table and the woman quickly makes him coffee, what does that tell you?

finding ways to take the information you want to get across and creating a situation, raising questions, establishing a dynamic, suggesting trouble are all parts of storytelling, and at the moment I feel like you're coming at it a little too head on and spelling things out too blatantly.

Good writing but a little bit too straightforward in my opinion.

Hello again,
I've re-read chapter one and apart from needing a little revision on your speech punctuation (Mooderino covers this I think), personally I can't see any other problems here. good job.
Regards
Raquel

There's a few issues with punctuation especially around dialogue. The formed should be:
"Hello," she said.
but sometimes you miss out the comma or capitalise the tag.

Also you occasionally miss out words, for example:
I getting sick of this crap.
so a good readthrough, out loud to yourself, might help sort that out.

In terms of story the pace is a litte slow. They arrive in the truck, she's the sensible one, starts unpacking, dad gets her into the sea and she lets herself feel how special it is but generally she can't afford to open herself up like that. You get across the sense of her weariness and general vibe of expecting disaster, but in a fairly straightforward manner (narratively speaking).

You spend a lot of time describing stuff, what they own, where they are, what role she has in this family but that kind of listing of stuff sucks the pace out of a story. It could use (in my opinion) more doing and less describing. Give her a purpose. instead of describing what's in the back of the truck, have her look for something specific, say a special sweater. and while she's looking for it describe the stuff she has to go through. That way you still tell the reader what's in the truck, but not just for the sake of it. That's quite a dull example, I don't know your characters well enough to suggest stuff appropriate for them, but techniques like that will help make it more engaging to read.

The same with her dad and his illness. Just telling the reader he's depressed and how she copes isn't very interesting. You need to show us. If he wants to go the beach and she says no and he gets back in the truck and sulks we know this isn't a normal father-daughter relationship (I know that isn't a great example either, just making a point). Exactly what the problem is and the whole backstory and their life story doesn't need to be spelled out immediately. Show us the dynamic and let the picture unfold at its own speed. Try to get as much info across in purely visual moments as possible. Try to have things happen in unexpected ways.

if a man says "Make me a coffee" and the woman makes the coffee, and then the woman says "Did you get the drugs" and the man takes out a bag of white powder, that's a fairly straightforward scene, but what does that tell you about their relationship? Not very much i reckon.

If the man says "make me a coffee" and the woman says "no", and then the man puts a bag of white powder on the table and the woman quickly makes him coffee, what does that tell you?

finding ways to take the information you want to get across and creating a situation, raising questions, establishing a dynamic, suggesting trouble are all parts of storytelling, and at the moment I feel like you're coming at it a little too head on and spelling things out too blatantly.

Good writing but a little bit too straightforward in my opinion.

Thank you so much. It's funny how you miss all that silly stuff after reading it 10 times. lol I am going to bed, finally! I will check yours out tomorrow. Thanks again Stacie

Hi Stacie,
Great read! Here are the things I noticed ...you asked for it...LOL! (seriously, I really enjoyed the chapter and the suggestions below are VERY minimal):
Para 1: Comma after "John said"
P3: "your" should be "you're"
P5: Yourself needs a comma after it. John said needs a comma after it and you can remove the comma after should.
P6: "Stared tirelessly in ..." should be "into"? (unless she's staring from inside the bed of the truck)
P8: ? after first line of dialog
P9: "...dishes box." should have a comma instead of a period.
P14: "... Yellow taped" should be "tape"
P 16: a comma should come after "bent"
Last line of the chapter was confusing. Maybe you could add "was" before "comforting or change it to "comforted" and add "and" before "one"?

It's all little stuff and for a brand new chapter, I'd say that's simply fantastic! Thanks for sharing and you're on my shelf!

Sincerely, Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

Hi Stacie,
Great read! Here are the things I noticed ...you asked for it...LOL! (seriously, I really enjoyed the chapter and the suggestions below are VERY minimal):
Para 1: Comma after "John said"
P3: "your" should be "you're"
P5: Yourself needs a comma after it. John said needs a comma after it and you can remove the comma after should.
P6: "Stared tirelessly in ..." should be "into"? (unless she's staring from inside the bed of the truck)
P8: ? after first line of dialog
P9: "...dishes box." should have a comma instead of a period.
P14: "... Yellow taped" should be "tape"
P 16: a comma should come after "bent"
Last line of the chapter was confusing. Maybe you could add "was" before "comforting or change it to "comforted" and add "and" before "one"?

It's all little stuff and for a brand new chapter, I'd say that's simply fantastic! Thanks for sharing and you're on my shelf!

Sincerely, Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

Hi Stacie,
I'm afraid I only had time to read your chapter one. I enjoyed it and thought it well written and informative, whilst keeping my interest. I made a few notes -- feel free to ignore, of course.

Your character study of Skye begins wonderfully.
I prefer to see a full stop rather than a comma at the very beginning: Life in a box. Skye thought the saying too cliched.

The water-stained ones were kitchen dishes' -- not clear if you mean boxes or cliches at this point, although you explain it well immediately afterwards. Maybe, ''the water stained one contained kitchen dishes' would put that right?

'rolled eyes and shoulders slumped' (says a lot in a few words).

'Only 16, going on forty' -- again, says a lot.

'What was normal?' -- what a good question to have her ask.

Dad's enthusiasm for the new home is contrasted well by Skye's rather bleak acceptance of it. Again.

Really good work so far.
Backed with best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Ok, comments for this book would be almost identical to the last one, although there aren't as many things in this one that I would change...just delete a few adjectives and you're pretty much there. I'd love to know where this story's going...traces of 'The Last Song' for me.
Good luck with your writing, definately carry on!
Regards Raquel.
Foxblood

Denise, thank you so much for your positive comments, I hope you were being genuine. I would rather hear it sucked if it isn't great. I put this and The Power Within (one chapter only also) on here to test the waters. I haven't written much on either one because I wanted to see if what I wrote actually drew people in or the writing is just OK. It is very hard to get published. I work with an author critiqueing her books (obviously not the grammar lol) but she is very close to getting a good agent from a great company. Then once you get the agent, you have to find a publishing company that loves it. So odds are stacked literally against all of us, sad to say. So I don't want to continue with something if I don't think it has a shot. I will definitely check out your book and let you know what I think. I will probably only read the first few chapters. I'm swamped with things on here that I am supposed to read for people and swamped with work and home. Aren't we all though. It would be great if you could check out my other story chapter, but if you can't, I totally get it. I'd love to chat sometime if you want my e-mail I will gladly send it too you. Thanks again Stacie

Dear Stacie

Talent and skill have been shown with this book for sure. I have to wonder on this site at the creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent. I loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha!

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Dear Stacie

Talent and skill have been shown with this book for sure. I have to wonder on this site at the creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent. I loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha!

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Yes I will check it out. I also have another story, but only one chapter copied over and over again so people can give me some harsh critism. I want the honest to gods truth. The Power Within is my other one, like I said only one chapter and I would love to hear your feedback. I don't know if my writing is anygood at all or I actually have something. I don't want just OK because it is too hard to break into the publishing world. It will never make it. So I can take it if you tell me either story is really good and I should persue it or ditch it. Thanks Stacie

A PLACE TO CALL HOME
A gentle intro and then the storyline got much stronger. Nicely defined characters, and a good setting. This is an interesting tale.
Backed.
I'd be grateful if you took a look at my book when you ge tthe chance,thanks
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Skye. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Wow, thank you so much. You are the first person to give me some real advice. I actually thought it wasn't harsh enough. I haven't written much on it because I have the other story The Power Within that I am also working on. I just wasn't sure if my work was interesting or believable. I know I'm not good with the grammar and that is something that I will have to work on. If you have any deeper comments or on my other work, I really appreciate the TRUE critism. I don't want things sugar coated, why waste my time if it's not really good. So if you just think it is OK let me know that too. It is too hard to get published these days, especially for just an ok book. So I guess what I'm asking is should I write any further on this or the other one. I like them, but that doesn't mean anything. I have lots of people backing me, but I don't even know if they read it, and they are not giving me comments. I could care less about being backed. I want the critism. Thanks so much, Stacie

I couldn't find a way out of ch 1. So I hit it from the 2nd ch 10.

I'd strike combination from second paragraph. It's implied.

The voice is compelling, perfect for your audience. Dad referred to as John provides a distance in the relationship. And Skye's full name at the end made me laugh--I could see where things were going.

I thought the 1st paragraph was the weakest. I might strike it. I think you've over thought it. The rest was terrific. Many little gems.

Was that harsh enough? The truth is you have good piece.

A PLACE TO CALL HOME
A gentle intro and then the storyline got much stronger. Nicely defined characters, and a good setting. This is an interesting tale.
Backed.
I'd be grateful if you took a look at my book when you ge tthe chance,thanks
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

I couldn't find a way out of ch 1. So I hit it from the 2nd ch 10.

I'd strike combination from second paragraph. It's implied.

The voice is compelling, perfect for your audience. Dad referred to as John provides a distance in the relationship. And Skye's full name at the end made me laugh--I could see where things were going.

I thought the 1st paragraph was the weakest. I might strike it. I think you've over thought it. The rest was terrific. Many little gems.

Was that harsh enough? The truth is you have good piece.

I will check it out. Thanks for the feedback. I hope you were honest. I definitely don't want to waste my time. Thanks again

Dear Stacie, Well, here I am to read & comment on your 2nd book. :) Your pitch was so concise, preparing me to read what was going to happen with Skye :) - & her Dad. :) Your crisp dialogue & paragraphs zoomed me through to the end. :) By the time I got to chapter 10, I knew it by heart. :) The beach scene was totally well done, as you put me there right with Skye. :) I've backed your 2 books :) - I would so appreciate it if you'd back my memoirs book. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on shortly thereafter :)