Amazons

AMAZONS
This is a book with an exciting beginning: the forest, the dead girl, the missing arrow, the worry the killer knows who he is . . . I’m not sure I understand why Roger is so worried the killer saw him. Is he really worried the killer thinks Roger saw him? So could identify him? Either way, this is well written and it’s a good story. Your writing style is just right for this: enough detail a reader gets a sense of the woods, the girl’s appearance, etc, yet not so much detail you bog down the story. Well done. I’ve rated it highly and added it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

The title is unique and the pitch is good.
It starts off really well. It draws the reader in with interest. Some guys would just read it to see how the hunt turns out. lol
It unfold at a good speed. It is constantly interesting. There were a few places where there was a word that was out of place, but otherwise good.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

You're right. I did enjoy the first two chapters. Happy to BACK your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Their book was rated Best of Show in Northern Oklahoma this Saturday.
Sue 50

Amazons

Michelle,

I really enjoyed your book and read all that you uploaded. Your MC is likable and your characters are multifaceted. Alonso in particular is quite yummy...well, dangerous, but yummy all the same. There are a few typos. If you are interested in a list let me know.

Interesting concept. Not my usual but it's quirky and I'm sure it will do well. I have star rated this. Good luck!

Feel free to ignore these minor comments, as they do not detract from the premise and they are only my opinion:

1. In the first chapter, the line beginning "Careful not to make a noise" - I think the comma should be before "he", not after.

2. "Terrified the man stared at her." - I think a comma after "terrified" would help this read better.

3. The sentence beginning "Tending towards paranoia..." would be eaiser to read if it was broken up, again, possibly with a comma.

As I say, these are tiny points so feel free to disregard them, they are not meant to be offensive in the slightest.

Best wishes,

Laura Bailey
Beneath The Blossom Tree

AMAZONS
M. D. Jackson

Approximately two hours later and I have finished all five chapters you have posted here. Your story line is exceptional. I really, really like this novel. Oh, how I wish I could read more at this point.

Let me say I am a writer and insatiable reader of Fantasy. I believe what you have here is a mix of that and a Thriller. The suspense is gripping, your characters so well defined that I feel I know them with your subtle references to their true identities, the settings so vibrant you make them sensory. You are a gifted writer and never mind the editing. That is inconsequential when held up against the storytelling ability you possess.

I am eager to experience more of this novel. It has the promise to be fascinating in its entirety. Please let me know when you post more.

I give you six stars and an enthusiastic backing. Well done, Michelle.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

AMAZONS
M. D. Jackson

Michelle, I sincerely believe you have a great story here. To me the story is everything. Editing should be left to an editor. Would not want to put them out of a job with opinions flying right and left about our grammar.

In view of all this, I am presumptous enough to give you my spin on your first paragraph. That is a vital and important part of your book. As you know, it is what grabs the reader, agents and publishers and makes them want you and your talent. I felt you could easily tighten up your work with a rearrangment of some of your words. For example, rather than tell you about getting rid of too many places where you use the word, "had", I will attempt to show you how I would write this if it were mine and close to my heart.

"A man traversed the river bank that sliced through the cold forest. Led to this place at the river's edge to where he patiently tracked the five-point buck since just before dawn, he could hear the mountain elk call to one another. They also called to him stimulating thoughts of the ultimate prize of a huge rack he could proudly display. When he first saw the majestic animal a ridge off from where he stood, he managed to sneak up to near firing range until it crossed into the Federally protected wilderness. If he were caught, the fine would be $5,000. He grumbled to himself. Who was the government to tell him he could not cross a natural river?"

You may not agree with what I suggested, but I liked it well enough to get my fingers on it. Could not resist. :)

I will read on and hope for more if it is completed later. For now it is on my watch list. If "Here Be Dragons", then I am excited to read your take on them. Should you find the time to travel into my book you will indeed see that I too have a love of The Once and Future King.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Hi Michelle,

I've had your book on my watch list for some time and I have now read your first chapter. It was very engaging and I was thoroughly impressed with your knowledge of the law enforcement system. ---Will back your work and continue reading, I'm very interested in, when the dragons come in!

P.S. I'll send you a friend request, because I'm only accepting messages from friends from now on, so if you message me back, I probably won't receive it currently.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

Much better! Thank you for posting the revision. I can now back this book.

Beautiful beginning (I love details like that). The description was stunning and did well to contrast the gruesome scene he had to stumble on. There are a lot of variables going on that's going to make this an exciting story I believe. So far it seems good :)

Neicy

I have read your four chapters and I must admit I am intrigued by what I have concluded will turn out to dragons. I look forward to reading more.

But I must also say, I am far more interested in the Labisonnierre brothers than McPherson. I can't relate to her. Therefore, I will stick to my original assertion: I have no interest in female protagonists. Delicious bad guys, on the other hand, are just my thing.

Although this is not a genre I would normally read, the story has so far kept me engaged, with one exception: the Interpol agent's ramblings about the Countess's history (I assume they are all the same individual). There is too much "telling" here.

As an aside, I keep imagining Lt. Pratt as Det. Lassiter on USA's PSYCH.

From a technical standpoint, however, I cannot comment so positively. While I realize this is a work in progress, that is no excuse for the sheer number of punctuation errors, which include:
-missing/misplaced apostrophes
-missing single quotes around quotations within quotations
-ellipses should be only three dots, followed by the appropriate punctuation where applicable
-periods in place of commas separating quote and speaker
-commas in place of periods or semicolons, which create run-on sentences
-missing commas separating name of person being addressed within a quotation
-a general lack of commas that creates confusion

The tale and style has a great deal of promise.

Michelle,

I'm clearing up a long backlog of return reads, and finally got to dip into Amazons. This promises to be taut thriller with a nice supernatural twist. You have a nicely detailed yet fast-paced opening. (The setting is dear to my heart, as I went to church camp at Camp Gormley, just out of Naches.) The opening mystery seems to be a lot more than just whodunit, and you don't give too much away too soon. Deputy McPherson is a strong and sympathetic protagonist. You seem to have a good working knowledge of police culture and procedures, and how different agencies relate and interact. This grounds the story in reality before the supernatural elements enter the plot. Good work!

The writing is mostly very good from a technical standpoint. There are some punctuation issues you'll want to address in the next revision. You tend to run a lot of thoughts together with commas. This works OK when the character is in a panic, as when Phelps is making his escape, but doesn't work as well with a calm character. A few judiciously placed periods will clarify the sense and tighten the prose. In other places, things run together with no punctuation at all; these also need to be broken up somehow.

Standard dialogue punctuation calls for a comma inside the close quote, if the line is followed by a dialogue attribution (he said). For example, "Lock the camper." Roger told her -- should be "Lock the camper," Roger told her.

When characters address each other by name, the name is set off from the rest of the line by a comma. "Roger what's wrong?" should be "Roger, what's wrong?"

Think about point of view. After the opening, which is rightly in the POV of Roger Phelps, it switches to the main character, Deputy McPherson, and mostly stays with her, but goes off briefly to give the lieutenant's entire backstory as well as his opinion of McPherson. This kind of stops the story and makes the exchange that follows somewhat redundant because you've already told the reader what to expect. As the author, you need to know this information, but the reader can get along without it for a while. You can reveal bits of it as needed, but for now all the reader needs to know as that this guy is a hardass and a jerk and McPherson's adversary and superior. This can easily be shown in their dialogue scene (with her thoughts included). Also, it was curious that their dialogue lacked quotation marks.

I noted the following edits in chapter 1:

Always capitalize Cascades when referring to the mountain range.

. . . the new rains not yet come here the mountain elk call . . . You need some kind of punctuation between "here" and "the" -- I would go with a period, but a semicolon would also work.

. . . grabbed the door of the truck it was locked . . . Again, you need something between "truck" and "it" -- Phelps is panicky here, so a comma would be OK.

Naches . . . . . . yes Naches was good. Comma after "yes", and does your ellipsis need so many dots?

heart attached You want attack

"No." she slowed . . . Capitalize "She"

"And let her die? No." she . . . See above.

feel back should be fell back.

She saw the Lt. motion her towards him. Spell out "lieutenant" when using it as a noun.

. . .exactly as he'd plan. You want "planned"

dodge pickup. Capitalize Dodge

. . . unattended for to long . . . you want too long

You've laid the foundation for an engaging thriller here, and I wish you all the best with it.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

I enjoyed reading the first chapter. It drew me in as it slowly revealed the plot. You might want to break chapter 1 into a couple of chapters. Some readers would get discouraged with such a long chapter as the first and just quit reading. Overall, I would give this book high marks. Best of luck in your future writing with this book.

Hi Michelle, I tried to comment a few days ago, but this system kicks me out half the time. So, I guess it didn't post.
First, I like your action, your setting is marvelous and I think your characters are believable.
IMO, your paragraphs are too long. I think the long chains of prose are more compelling when broken into shorter pieces.
The other thing that struck me was the shifts of POV. Maybe the story would be better served if you used those instances to do a chapter break. The chapter was remarkably long. I read nearly to the end of it, but couldn't find a place to take a potty break. ;~)
Also, the data dump when Lt Pratt arrives pulled me out of the story. The information is important to understand the character. But you can let little bits and pieces out as the story progresses. (Show, don't tell.)
Overall, I think this is a fine story in the making. I starred it and shelved it for a few days. Will maintain it on my WL when it comes off my shelf so I can keep in touch with you.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Michelle, I tried to comment a few days ago, but this system kicks me out half the time. So, I guess it didn't post.
First, I like your action, your setting is marvelous and I think your characters are believable.
IMO, your paragraphs are too long. I think the long chains of prose are more compelling when broken into shorter pieces.
The other thing that struck me was the shifts of POV. Maybe the story would be better served if you used those instances to do a chapter break. The chapter was remarkably long. I read nearly to the end of it, but couldn't find a place to take a potty break. ;~)
Also, the data dump when Lt Pratt arrives pulled me out of the story. The information is important to understand the character. But you can let little bits and pieces out as the story progresses. (Show, don't tell.)
Overall, I think this is a fine story in the making. I starred it and shelved it for a few days. Will maintain it on my WL when it comes off my shelf so I can keep in touch with you.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Michelle, I tried to comment a few days ago, but this system kicks me out half the time. So, I guess it didn't post.
First, I like your action, your setting is marvelous and I think your characters are believable.
IMO, your paragraphs are too long. I think the long chains of prose are more compelling when broken into shorter pieces.
The other thing that struck me was the shifts of POV. Maybe the story would be better served if you used those instances to do a chapter break. The chapter was remarkably long. I read nearly to the end of it, but couldn't find a place to take a potty break. ;~)
Also, the data dump when Lt Pratt arrives pulled me out of the story. The information is important to understand the character. But you can let little bits and pieces out as the story progresses. (Show, don't tell.)
Overall, I think this is a fine story in the making. I starred it and shelved it for a few days. Will maintain it on my WL when it comes off my shelf so I can keep in touch with you.
Raechel
Echo

Hi, this is a really great story. I have read everything you have uploaded and can't wait to read more!
The plot is very unique, and its encredibly difficult to second guess what's going to happen next.
Mcpherson is really likeable and its great to see the layers of her personality being uncovered.
The only things i would advise you to do are have a read over what you have uploaded so far to check for typing errors as there are a few here and there. Also, although the abreviations enhance the plot and make the police investigation more believeable, i think when Mcpherson is referred to as 'DM' it makes her seem less significant as a character. Apart from this, i think Amazons is an amazing piece of writing and i deffinately want to read more!
I will deffinately be backing this, and i wish you every success with your writing.

Hi Michelle, I've just read everything you've put on the site and want to read more. I think it's a cracking story. After the first few pages, I had no idea of what was to follow but wanted to find out, simple as that. It did worry me as to how they managed to have a limo waiting as the plane touched down in an unfamiliar city. Just who were these people? But my doubts were soon cast aside as we get to learn more about them. I think McPherson is totally believable and is the perfect antidote to the somewhat remote and highly sinister Europeans. Great stuff. You're heading for my bookshelf.
I wonder if you have any views on how much of your book to make available? I would appreciate any tips that you might have picked up on this subject. Change of Circumstance is up and running and there's plenty more to come. The question is how much and when? I hope You have great success with your story.
Carl

Got to agree, great short and long pitch! Just read the first chapter and found it very enjoyable, nice pacing with lots of twists and intrigue to keep the reader wanting more. Personally I think the first para sets the scene well, and the majestic tranquility makes the discovery of the body all the more jarring.

Niomi J. Jackson
Kissing the Reindeer Skull

Michelle, Great short and long pitch. I read through your first chapter and found your opening scene quite beautifully expressed. Perhaps because despite being "unlike anywhere else in the world" it reminded me of our own woods and musical streams. That said, I think that it was worthy of being set apart, with the introduction of the hunter forming a new para and the start of the chapter proper. I liked your characterization of McPherson and her relationship with Lt Pratt (well named, he's a guy you just love to hate)and the mystery surrounding the bodies status, dead or alive, was intriguing. There was a lot going on and a lot of characters to get to know in quite a lengthy chapter. Perhaps it could have been split at the point where Kip comes into the story and provides the information re the bodies identity. The appearance of the glamourous countess in her private helicopter added further intrigue and I know from your pitch that there is much more to come, so I will read on. For now though...enjoying this unusual story which I have starred highly while I read on. Best of luck with this.
Babs

Hi Michelle,

After getting your message I popped over here and, honestly, I really like the first paragraph!! Maybe making the descriptive piece a little more concise would help in some way but, to be honest, it was a beautiful piece of writing and really set the scene!! I like how you jumped straight in there with the action, and how you gave us some information about the characters in a gradual sort of way instead of a bombardment. I only read half of the first chapter but, when time permits, I will definitely be coming back for more!!

-Rosemarie

I don't really read thrillers, although this site is good for broadening horizons, but I thought you had a good plot and some great use of language. There are a couple of suggestions I would have for the beginning of the story, but of course feel free to ignore me!

Although your description was beautiful, I felt the urge to skip the first paragraph. I think there are quite a lot of books on here which begin with a description of the weather. I wonder if you could rethink your opening for more dramatic impact?

There was a lot of emphasis on Mr Phelps at the beginning so I thought he was the main protagonist, but then it shifted to McPherson. I wonder if you could rework things to could start with her?

Best wishes
Karen

Hi Michelle-I rated you four stars. I read the first two chapters and am now moving on. I have goals of trying to read a part of everyone's books in my favorite genres. Couple of comments: your intro is great-you have a great hook that makes me want to open your book. The first half of chapter 1 is great-forgot I was reading off our newbie site. The rest was too long without seeing how the chapters related to the plot described in your intro. Nonetheless, good job! Merry Christmas!

Michele, I really enjoyed reading your chapters. And would love to read more. I backed your book and starred it.

However, although it has great potential, it needs work. But the changes that need to be done are easy ones to make. Shorten paragraphs, words spelled wrong, Some dialogue needs to be more realistic.

The main thing is you have a great plot. The rest can be easily fixed. If you like I can edit some of your sentences so you can see what I mean.

I have really enjoyed reading this. I did see some puntuation issues, but nothing major. I can't wait to read more!

Very well written! Clever and engaging. Starred! I'll certainly read more at a later date.If you get chance please let me know what you think of my childrens fantasy-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls.
Best wishes, Claire

Is it pointing out to the end of this world? I felt characters in this novel are symbolic, because each character is carrying a huge burden of meanings. It is indeed a revelation to the human being that if there will happen a battle, it would be the finishing point of human race. I got a ray of knowledge after went through your book.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

I loved this the first time I read it. I'm happy to have it back on my shelf. I decided to repost the comments I wrote after reading it the first time:

Oh, the Land of Shaman. I cannot think of a more mystical place for the "greatest battle in the history of time" to take place. "Was he on drugs?" No, but there's dead woman in the woods. McPherson goes back with Phelps to find the body. Then Phelps goes nutty and says, "My wife . . . my kids." Anyway, by day three they still didn't know who the woman was. This is eerie and starts with a good pace. Using a female police officer as the protagonist is a nice change. This starts to get even more intriguing when McPherson finds out that the woman's as a recluse by the name of Louise, a European aristocrat . . . and the plot thickens. I'm enjoying this and will return when I get some time. I love the references to Yakima and St. Helen. Ah, the Pacific NW.

Michelle
first thing, the word moist appears twice in second and third sentence, might be a good idea to change one of them.
The highway he had to make it to the highway - you need a comma or fullstop after the first highway.
Overall this builds up a good pace and sets enough intrigue to make you want to read further. Some of the early descriptions slow the pace a little, but it didn't put me off. I've got to admit, I'm not religious in anyway so I can't comment on your plot/storyline.
Good luck with this, will stick on shelf for a few days
Charlie

Most of the corrections I'd mention have been covered already. Other than that, all I can say is, more please.

Hi Michelle, Your opening paragraph sets a somber, introspective and reflective mood. The further the reader delves into your story, the more they're intrigued as to how the tale will continue to develop. This is a crafty hook in itself. Best of luck! Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Hi Michelle,

I'm here to peek at your work, as I promised I would. From what you said, you seem to be seeking feedback, so I'll be trying to offer constructive criticism. please don't be offended by any suggestions, as they will be well intentioned.

1 My 1st immediate impression is that some of your paragraphs are way too long and intimidating. A quick glance down the page shows huge blocks of text. I stronly recommend paragraphing more frequently, so as not to put off the reader.

2 I'm not sure about your 1st paragraph. While v pretty, nothing happens and we don't meet your character until near the bottom of the section. I'd recommend having less description + introducing action/your character far sooner.

3 I think you occasionally overdescribe. eg "The man jumped back in horror" and "terrified, the man stared at her." We should be able to infer the emotion from context/actions/interior monologue etc... I think you don't need to tell us "horror" or "terrified." "the man flinched" and "the man stared at her" would work better IMO.

4 ellipses for pauses only need 3 dots. The dots you've used seem a bit excessive.

5 speech tags. I recommend only using simple tags, such as "said". When you use more descriptive tags eg "complained" there are 2 prossible problems. Either (i) the description in the tag is unecessary as we can infer the tone from the dialogue already, or (ii) the tag contradicts the preceding dialogue, meaning it jars for the reader. Either way, such a speech tag is counterproductive.

6 IMO your 1st chapter is far too long. Is there any way you could break it into more chapters?

OK I've finished the 1st chapter now, and did enjoy what I've seen. It's a good story, but the tension is decreased and the pace slowed IMO by the overlong paragraphs/chapters and occasional overdescription. I'm sure you'll have a good and publishable book on your hands with a bit or work, though.

Best of luck. :)

Pete x

You are suggesting that there are events, creatures, beings, societies, battles nations, all before the advent of time. That's a lot for me to swallow right from the get go. I think you would have a hard time convincing me that such things can occur outside of time and, by implication, space. Sorry, I just cannot buy into it.

FEL

I love your writing style and the story is compelling. I feel as if I know the characters too, which is a good sign. The only nit I found was that quite a few commas appear to be missing which slows the story down because I kept having to re-read sentences to get the meaning. Easily remedied however and I loved the story.
Gill

I enjoyed your book description. Ah-hah, you are writing of the Cascades. Nice to meet you. I live on the what we call the "east side of the mountain."

Chapter One: I liked your opening paragraph. Good writing except that I thought it a little long and -- please read your first paragraph closely -- it contains a run-on sentence which does somewhat detract from the charm.

I read down to the point of the hunter stepping on the "log" that turned out to be a body, and then I encountered a minor problem but one that I think you really need to address, and that is that the hunter apparently jumps right to the conclusion that this person has been murdered.

You need to fill the reader in on this. Something has been left out. It's one thing to find a body, and another to find a homicide, to be jumping to conclusions about a "killer."

Before having your hunter jumping off he deep end here, I think you need to write something about that body, indications that this is more than an accidental death. Was the victim shot? With an arrow? And even if she was, could it not have been an accident? Is there a hunting knife sticking in her chest? Somehow you need address this if you plan to publish the story.

Best wishes to you. You have a good writer's voice here. I recognize the terrain too, having camped in the Cascades one time or maybe two. Most of my camping was in the Blues, where I was initiate into Frontiersman's Camping Fraternity (Royal Rangers) many years ago.

FEL

Read through the first chap here. Really good stuff, I actually wanted to read on, find out who was the woman in the woods. Very much in line with some top Thriller/Detective series. Must say I did find the pitch a little off putting, staid, blah blah battle that ends with destruction of mankind etc. (Darn! I think I might have used that line too!) Quote from Rev good though, what I found interesting - and of course that's what this is all about right?

Or is it? After reading the first chap very much inclined to read more just to see how we get from here to there. I don't need to recommend reading this, if someone just glances at the first few para's seems impossible that they won't get entrapped by the suspense. Even something in there for the Grammar Nazi's ;)

Thoughts on the construction; always conflicting advice, but 'head hopping' really helps with the suspense, see it with the camera work in a lot of films in the thriller genre. It's like if you've got a chase, you don't just follow one party or the other.

On a more plotty note, I'm presuming this is a deliberate work of fiction, rather than an actual attempt to interpret and imagine the real story of Revelations. Some peops might take things too serious - or depending on what you want to achieve not seriously enough. It would be good if the pitch/early para's could somehow get this across - as it could affect the reader's reaction to the material.

Good pitch. Revelation always challenging. You see Satan fighting Israel from the void of the eternal kingdom. Armageddon in modern times - is my take from the pitch. I will read.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

Hello M.D.

After having your novel on my watchlist I've finally found a little time to read the first chapter. The story has real potential and I found myself drawn in by it, however, your sentence structure does need some work. Some of the sentences tend to run on where there should be a stop and there are areas where you could add in some punctuation to improve the flow of the sentences. These are minor details however and I think that if you fix those little details, that you have the makings of a really great story. Wishing you the best of luck with it.

Sincerely,

Aneza Lee Immelman
The Namari : Book I of the Harpy Chronicles

You have a great literary style when writing your narration. It is well done - interesting and informative without being boring. Nice job with your characters as well; you should do well with this. Shelved.

Leigh
If you have the time, please consider reading "Lies That Bind" and leaving a comment and/or backing if you feel if it is appropriate. Thanks!

Hello again. Sorry it's been awhile. It's been soccer season. lol Anyway, you asked me to tell you my thoughts on how you've opened your story. I read the opening and I also read through all 52 of your comments like you asked. First, I'd like to say that your pitch seems very good. From just that, I would want to read on. Also, I liked your description of the Cascades. I think, from all of your commenters, I most agree with "blueboy" and "RJS". Remember, I'm commenting from the perspective of a reader. Starting out with a description of the Cascades (although I liked the description) left me sort of bored. I liked it when the action picked up though. I would also have enjoyed feeling something more for Roger in the beginning. I start to feel something for him when I realize he has a wife and kids, but that's about it. I think you have a really good idea here and I wish you luck. If you have any other questions for me or if I misunderstood what you wanted, let me know and I'll be happy to do what I can. Good luck to you and take care. :)

Jen

Hi Michelle,

have not had the opportunity to read any of your work yet, but the short description sounds so interesting! If I might be a grammar Nazi and just point out that the word "surviving" in the sentence - "For the few suriving members of a once great nation the battle ends with their lives." - is misspelt. I know sometimes when you read your own writing your eye can just skip over a typo without you realizing it :) Hope to get the opportunity to make time to read some of your writing very soon! Wishing you a wonderful week.

Hi Michelle,
sorry about your sons asthma.
Thanks for your kind comment, it spurred me on to reading soem of your book, which I must say promises to be a great mix of reality and fantasy.
I have not read much yet but enough to know I'd probably buy it so I will back it!!
This site is great I'm like a kid in a candy shop.
Will come back with a larger comment.
For a really thrilling story check out David J Pickering's Convergence.
My fave so far, it's dark and disturbing but well written and poignant I think.
Anyway, I'll chat with you soon.
Nonauthor.

Hi Michelle...from Michelle (Willow)
I finally had a chance to read through much of your first chapter. You asked me to be brutal, so I will. Ha! I'm amazed that a woman wrote this. I find it difficult to write from a man's pov, but you don't seem to have a problem with it. Well done.

The story line is good in that you have action and micro-tension. The pace is relatively good, too. I know you said that it's going to be edited for grammar and punctuation, but I had problems with head-hopping. Do you know what I mean by that? Typically you want to stay in one person's head (pov) per scene. You don't HAVE to, but if you don't it makes the story more difficult to understand. The reader doesn't know who is saying what. Also, how can one character know what another is thinking? Who is the main protag? Typically you want to establish that early on. At first I thought it was Phelps, but maybe it's McPhearson.

I'd recommend you change a few names too. I got confused with McPhearson and Phelps--maybe because parts of their names started with a ph? Not sure. They're too similar.

Study showing vs telling. You dumped a lot of info in some of your paragraphs. Try to "tell" info in small quantities mixed with the action--without dumping it in a lump.

Use more beats with your dialogue so we know who is speaking when. That way you won't have to use "he said," "she said," etc. When you have to use an attribution keep it simple using "said."

I can tell that you're a story teller with a good story to tell. You just need to work at the mechanics, but don't stop. This writing business is tough, but if you're like me--it's FUN too. But just when I think I know what I'm doing I'm humbled.

I wish you the best and thank you again for sharing your work with me.

This is the third time I've tried to send this note, hopefully it takes this time. I really enjoyed this story, the crime scene/hunter scenario pulled me in as I am a country boy, McPherson is a solid and believable person, this is a winner.
j.b.wendel

This is the third time I've tried to send this note, hopefully it takes this time. I really enjoyed this story, the crime scene/hunter scenario pulled me in as I am a country boy, McPherson is a solid and believable person, this is a winner.
j.b.wendel

Starts with a good, solid police procedure story. I see that later it goes elsewhere.
There is an army of readers out there just waiting for this.

An entertaining and sophisticated story presented in an easy-to-read style. Thoroughly enjoyable.

I am really intrigued. I admit to reading everything I could in one sitting and would like to continue. I hope to see more and I will back this.
Sandi

Oops. I see I already commented, but I've liked it enough to continue. This is an intriguing premise, but I find myself getting a bit confused, for reasons that I can't quite define. It may be the sudden shift the reader asked me to make from the idyllic scene in the first graph suddenly torn apart by the frightened man running from what we have been given so little clue. Is it possible to start with his hunting, integrate the fall scene, then using imagery from hunting, slaying and the body to connect animal with human? The author also switches to Mr. Phelps, instead of Phelps - and if he didn't see the killer, how is it he called him "he"? Adding the international flavor adds more depth. I wonder if the writer might consider breaking up the gray passages (long paragraphs) into shorter graphs, to help reader absorb the words. Good luck to you.

The Amazons
Hi, Michelle,
How about setting off the first four sentences, like an introductory saying. Then begin your story with the hunter. Watch for redundancy. Be careful of punctuation. Watch out for typos. Avoid saidisms. Has the hunter crossed into the reserve? Or is he just about to when he stumbles on the body? When the hunter discovers the body of the woman, why would he think right off that she's been murdered? Ordinarily one would think accident. And then why would he think the alleged killer may be after him? If there is a killer, and if the killer is there, why would the killer even be interested in the hunter? You'll need to show us why this hunter would react in so extreme a way. What did he see, to make him reach this conclusion? What did he sense in his surroundings? And why would he panic? With so little to go on, I'm puzzled. If he doesn't see enough to reach so startling a conclusion, you need to let us know why he's so easily set off. Is he suffering from post traumatic disorder? Or is there something else? Something in the atmosphere?

Think logic, logic, logic. If he's making a lot of noise, what sort of sound does he think he hears that disturbs him? And the hairs on the back of his neck have no feeling, but his neck has.

You need to break this chapter up. Too long.

I see you are using a limited universal POV. No problems with that. Your tension is good. Dialogue is convincing. We are pulled into the story and kept in it. Your writing style tends toward the lyrical, which appeals to me. I think this is a good story, well worth pursuing. What it needs is what a writer does most--rewrite. It's not ready for publication yet and could use a line edit. I would like to take another look at this story. It has promise.

Gloria Piper
Finnegan's Quest.