Shattered Light

Carmen

This is a beautifully written first chapter. What has happened to your presence on Authonomy? Just wondering, because you can certainly write!

I will look at chapters 13 & 14 and leave a comment. In the meantime, I rate highly what I have read.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

chapter 1: very touching and well written fairy tale.
I will keep reading, and try to give feedback on the two chapters you mentioned.

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

Interesting first chapter. I find the descriptions good and detailed, but not overly done. It is entertaining and you certainly wonder what will come of the young girl. Her future is unknown and she is unwanted. My one comment though was that the dialogue seems too pristine. I'd add a little bit more character into the speech of some characters so that they feel more real. Backed with pleasure.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

The first chapter took us straight into the story with just the right amount of desciption- and that's the way I like it. I found the first few chapters very well written but at quite a slow, relaxed pace. I'm sure the side-plot of Seth and Elsa contributes to the plot and we'll find out what happened to Elsa after she disappears; however for a while it almost tricks us into believing that they're the main characters of the story. This is soon dispelled, however, and chapters 13 and 14 do well in picking up the pace in the story.

I've thoroughly enjoyed everything after chapter 14; there's enough action, suspense and even sparks of romance (!) to keep readers hooked. A great read, I'm only concerned that some readers may not read past chapter 13 because they don't see where it's going and don't realise that there is so much more to come! Please update soon though, because I'm already anticipating the next chapter with excitement. Backed with pleasure :)

Dear Carmen,

First let me apologize for the late response, it was the holidays and with the kids in their ho..ho..ho spirit...well I ended up being late for everything specially returning readings

I started reading your piece (got to chap 5) and I thought I would give you my two cents before I forget. Since I am by no means an expert on the genre, I thought I would limit my commentary on the writing style.

What first strikes me here is your Dickensian ability to invoke an ominous sense, and I stress the word evoke for it is not described as such, instead it is felt. Bad writers name, great writers evoke....so kudos for you

The second thing that impressed me is the Grishan like clarity of language. If you read his novels even when he writes about the minutae of lawyering is written in a self evident style, thus you feel like an idiot if you do not agree with him. I imagine your audience to be young adults for which the liminal moment is not as important as the crystal clear situation.

The only minor/minorer/minormost comment I would make is that I would have liked a tiny more of a sense of place. When writing about fantasy, the three dimensional effect always adds rather than takes away. That is the ability to create a three dimensional sense of place, so as to transport the reader into the type of suspension of disbelief that makes everything possible. Think about the Disney movies; we believe that dogs talk and fly because the sense of place is so well illustrated.

Overall wonderful, 5 stars

I hope it helps,

david

Dear Carmen

No wonder Queen Sorene died of disappointment when she gave birth to a third daughter. Women are the underclass in the world of the Felderions. They wait patiently for their Lords and Masters to appear and are expected to live whole childhoods within the walls of towns like Carassone. You set up the Glaesin/ Felderon dispute nicely and you show great sensitivity in the developing relationship between Taelia and Elsa, the glaesin healer, herself half - felderon who cares for her as a baby. We rarely hear of her two sisters or much else going on outside the walls of the city and the only real excitement occurs when Taelia's absent father, Lord Seth returns to the sound of trumpets. I did like the whole concept of 'sibynae' and the healers art of controlling this supernatural power. The seperation of Elsa and Taelia on the latters ninth birthday is poignantly handled. The action speeds up when Seth announces that Taelia is to leave the city and we find out that she is being put forward as a bride for the prince, when his previous betrothed unfortunately dies. The scene with the first minister (akin to Cinderella passing the test by having the correct shoe size) where Taelia uses her wits to impress him is convincing. Confirmed as a bride at last and seeing happiness open up before her in this man's world with handsome Prince Nicholas, everything suddenly changes in Ch 13/14. Violent assault /battles/ murder are all a dramatic change from the slow moving, enchanting romantic fairytale that had gone before. The slaughter of children seems a bit out of place. Having read to ch 15 with Taelia rescued from death by a Glaesin healer who knows Elsa I willl read on. The first few chapters although full of nice touches are a bit slow paced but that pace is quicker now. I want Taelia to enable a Glaesin/Felderon truce. She is a good MC but is yet to show us how tough a character she can be. Her final task and possibly a more difficult one, will be to raise the status of women in these lands and put the men in their place.

regards

Brian

Shattered Light - A dramatic and atmospheric beginning that slid easily into latent conflict confidently shown with just a few words from Feldorions towards Elsa, a Glaesin woman and heale, who against her will takes on responsibility for a newborn child. The first chapter has hooks that keep the readers attention. Elsa is compelled to stay in the manor house despite wanting to leave and the mystery of how baby Taleia knows the word 'sema' without being taught. What is the child's hold on Elsa? Good descriptive writing in particular of Taleia's growth measured by seasons and what Elsa shows her of her father's lands together with the strengthening bond between them. Lord Seth returns home after a long absence and chapter two and three describe how Seth and Elsa are slowly falling in love. This hits exactly the right tone and voice for young adults. The only problem I have is, that the pace having slowed down considerably, young people might not have the patience for a slow burn.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Chapter 2:
Ah, this chapter made me laugh. Several times. :) I love Elsa. And Seth intrigues me more and more, though I wonder what makes him speak quite so freely with Elsa.
The first conversation with Sir Seth was punctuated by too many '-ly' words. And you do tend to do this overall more than perhaps is wise. I have been reading a helpful - and so slightly depressing and annoying - book on editing, that suggested the best way to get rid of adverbs when they are partnered with a verb is to replace the verb with a stronger one. For example: 'beginning to quickly walk away' - the 'quickly walk' could be replaced with 'stride' or 'edge' (though that would change the meaning) and the sentence altered to sound better and stronger.
'Rhona exaggerated' - I would replace this with something like 'Rhona said. It was a clear exaggeration.' If the tag is too unfamiliar, it distracts from the dialogue. (Another tip from this editing book...)
There were a few typos...I was lazy and didn't write them down as I caught them...sorry...

I really like this. It's a story about the misfit(s), but even by just reading this first chapter you can tell there is much more to it. It is easy to read, the history is interesting and the characters are fully formed. You feel like you're there when Elsa is taking care of Taleia. (And the names are awesome :) ) And you feel just as drawn to Taleia as Elsa. Well done.
"She was pretty, but Taleia did not possess the exquisite beauty that ran through her family's veins more abundantly than blood." - You have lots of these brilliant little descriptions that make me want to read more.

When you first introduce Elsa, you use three different words to describe her in quick succession - 'Glaesin woman', 'Elsa' and 'healer'. This is just in the description, not the dialogue. That confused me a little. (I also have this problem...)

For some reason, I felt like I read this before. It is possible I did not comment at the time, so just in case I am commenting now and backing (or backing again, just to be sure). I really love this story. You got my attention early on. I love the world building you include early one, such as the "omen" of the time of day of the birth. And the family's want to have a son, the mother dying, and the daughter being passed off. I love the exact details you include such as the changing of the baby's eye color--shows you know what you are talking about. Elsa is a fantastic character. your first chapter has a great voice and does a good job of hooking the reader in to read more!

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I read everything you had written, even though I wasn't planning on it, and I loved it. I wish I knew how it ended!!! Good luck with this. Backed with pleasure.

Lots of breathtaking action in chapters 13 and 14. Well paced, descriptive and waxing nicely poetic at times. Only suggestion - the first part of chapter 13 could possibly use a little tightening up? Seemed like a little too much reflecting - unless it served to reinforce something that came out in previous chapters - which I have not read.

Nicely written. You evoke a medeivel type of period in this charming fairy tale. Great characterisation and dialogue, all weaving the storyline togther so well. backed. Colin

This was a wonderful read! I don't have any feedback for improvements. Good Work. Desi.

Very descriptive writing and a beautiful cover. It drew me in. Your dialogue is brilliant, and your characters fascinating. This is a spell binding story and I am backing it with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This should find a wide readership since it ticks so many boxes. The opening grabs attention -I love the way Queen Sorene just dies of daughters. The dialogue is strong and consistent with the characters, the imagery is spot on and the pace rises and falls satisfactorily which prevents what I tend to call "the dah de dah" style of writing where everything just trundles on until it falls off the end of the story (if I last that long).
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

The baby is drawn to the wanderer, both outcasts in their way - Taleia destined to know neither mother nor father, Elsa leaving ... but always tomorrow. Then the baby calls her 'Sema' - a word the child cannot know - and tomorrow grows ever more distant. Eventually her father comes home, and no matter how much Elsa dislikes Seth, he ties her in knots and disarms her, 'Why do you brush your hair every time the trumpets sound?'

Taleia grows into greater curiosity, and wonders why she is not betrothed, and asks how Elsa does her healing. Thus she learns of the charms, all but vanished now, except perhaps one passed down through the kings...

A story beautifully told in what starts out almost mythic terms but evolves into a relaxed and gentle manner as the romance blossoms between nobleman and healer, and the learning grows between child and guardian. The world building is done with a deft touch and a careful logic that few fantasies have the discipline to adhere to. Thus the 'magic' of the Glaesin feels tangible. The reader has invested heavily in both Elsa and Taleia, and will read on hoping that fate will deal kindly with them both ... backed.

Possible nits: 'handed the baby ... handed [passed?] the screaming child ... being handed the wailing baby''. 'Elsa said', you need to introduce her name first, e.g. 'The Glaesin woman, Elsa, gave a slight'. 'looking at him ... looking at her', maybe change one to glancing or staring. 'though I [in] truth, I never cared'.

Carmen -

Shattered Light - Great title, engaging start ... Lady Sorene gazed at her daughter with a mixture of pity and frustration, handed the baby back to the midwife, and died ... subtle and beautiful writing. I like the way Elsa slowly takes to the child, Talaia. The story has got all I look for in a romance - longing, depth and surprises.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Plenty here to enjoy. Well done. :)

SHATTERED LIGHT
Carmen Glade

I strongly disagree that this is a story for teens. I am well beyond those years and I love this story. I have only read a few chapters but intend to keep going to take in all you have posted here. If a story is good and well formed, then the mechanics seem to fade into the background for me. I don't pay attention to typos or long paragraphs. That is something that can be fixed and I am sure you will continue to edit your own work as you go just as all writers must. Here the story is strong enough to shine through anything like that and pulls me along chapter after chapter.

I love the characters and Elsa's reluctance to admit her love for the child Taleia and for that matter Sir Seth as well. As she slowly discovers the depth of her feelings for them, it makes for a satisfying read.

Congratulations on creating a beautiful tale. Backed with delight.

Sincerely,

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Very well written and engaging, ideal for the target audience, well done. "Fled the manner" should be 'Manor'
Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Nothing much wrong with this as far as I can tell...some examples of erratic punctuation and wordiness but nothing serious to worry about...I'm sure lovers of the genre will approve!
Best wishes
Stewart

I haven't read much on this site that has grabbed me but this does. I'm spellbound by Elsa. You are an excellent writer. I truly wish you well. Backed with much pleasure.

I hope you will take a look at my female heroine in my novel, Earth Reaver. I would welcome any comments and your backing.

Herschel Shirley

I see what you mean about the crossover between our books! I agree with one of the other comments about the age range of this...like mine, I think this will be great for that mid to older teen group and while I haven't read to the end, I could see this being a series.

Lockjaw

Shattered light
It's an interesting story, might be suitable for 15 year olds
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Very imaginative and focused writing . A storyline that has strong imagery throughout and makes for a compelling read.

Jane.

This has been really interesting and enjoyable! I read three chapters and am really involved! I was instantly drawn into what was going to happen to the infant! You have a unique story, one that contains some awesome imagery and descriptions. I didn't notice anything that really stood out as being bad or needed changed. Some of your paragraphs tend to be a bit long. Shorten them up and it will tighten your story just a tad. It works either way of course! Good luck with this, I think it's got a lot of potential and could really stand out on this site!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Carmen,
I am really enjoying Shattered Light. I like the characters Elsa and Taleia and have finished chapter 4. They're long reads but very well-written and interesting. The concept of Elsa's powers as a healer, and the use of "Sibynae" reminds me of "The Force" from Star Wars, but I like the concept of absorbing it through lightning and thunder. That was original. Elsa's explaination to Taleia about her powers and these lost charms is so much like the long conversation between Frodo and Gandalf in Lord of the Rings, book 1. This is sort ofthe thing one reads in a warm bed in winter while it rains - at least for me.
Backed and well done!
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

Dear Carmen
A wonderful piece of literature, outstanding book cover, amazing imagery in your work, which all spells a great writer in the making.
Best of luck and much success
Helen
The Last Dream

This is an exquisite story I am proud to have on my shelf. Backed with pleasure, Sana x

Goodness me, what a lovely story. This is different and has tones of reality and shades of dark mysticism. I love your style and your writing is polished and engrossing. The begining is brilliant.

No problem getting to the top with this one.

best

Carmen,

Good long pitch. Short is pithy, but I wonder if it couldn't have something more particular to the story in it--it has a slightly generic feel.

The opening scene is well done and makes for a good introduction. In terms of feedback there were a few places where you characterised actions and words spoken through telling:

--accentuted by bitterness

--scowled fiercely

--condescending smile

--eyed the servants with wry humour.

Often the characterisation was apparent from the words and actions without the need for the added characterisation. If you think it's not, you might like to expand on the words, actions and context so that the reader can see without needing to be told.

In the following scene there was one place where Elsa talked about Glaesin that felt a little unnatural--more something the writer wanted to tell the reader than something the character would naturally say (though Rhona's rejoinder is very good).

All in all a good first chapter, fantasy YA that should appeal to young female readers.

One final thought, I wonder if the chapter wouldn't end more dramatically if you omit the last paragraph--end on the disgust and sorrow . . .

Backed

Talented writing and an intriguing storyline make this easy to back.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Hi Carmen

Extremely impressive. Cinfident compelling prose, a thoroughly imagined world. A couple of nitpicks: there's a typo in the first para: "manor", not "manner"; the bit where Elsa says "we are a wandering people" etc reads like exposition. Also, I love romance, but I wonder if you are not making Seth too nice too quickly. It would be better if she thought he was an ogre for a good third of the book, with her gradually discovering how wrong she is (not finding out because he tells her of all of his good works). Just a thought. I really liked this - I'm a big fan of fantasy and this is just the type I like. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Hi Carmen, I found this (three chapters) to be a very well done piece of work, with some beautifully poetic prose. It's not my usual read or favoured genre, but I was compelled to read more than usual. Great cover and good pitch, too. I wish you luck.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Dear Carmen

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. such talent you have to create a compelling read for me. I also believe your long pitch sells your book well. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more.

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
Denise
The Letter

this was an intriguing story. it is well thought out and unique with a touch of romance.

me

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Taleia. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Carmen, I love your wonderful ending. :) Your pitch enticed me to read your touching story & your tight dialogue & paragraphs made for a smooth read. :) Hope you'll write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 2 hours later :)

Carmen,
Shattered Light has a sympathetic protagonist in Lady Taleia Ciarra. The storyline is compelling and I enjoyed reading it from page one. "Encountering unexpected friends and relentless enemies along the way, Taleia will ultimately have to find the power deep within herself if she is to survive." This is an excellent way to finish a synopsis as it creates a great feeling of anticipation of what adventure will unfold in the narrative. Backed with enthusiasm.