Starhawk

Like your book. Highly rated and watchlisted. You might like Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis by MDWS77. It is VERY good.

SF42 sci-fi critique group

Hi Joe

I've read two chapters, and I like it a lot. It is a little different from mine, and yet reminds me a lot of my own owrk - what it would be like without the humour, particularly. I could very easily see it as a film. I put this on my watchlist a while ago and saved it for a while, knowing that it was going to be one of the best ones I had there, and I wasn't disappointed. It's very good, and if I didn't dislike reading on my computer, I'd read the whole thing. There was very little that stood out to me, but here are my notes:

I don't think the comma is necessary in 'nice resort planet'

The spaceport punks can afford to be simply 'not much younger than him'

Sadly, you can't use the term 'droid', as I found to my despair. George Lucas has it copyrighted, and you have to pay him to use it. I've gone with android, bot, robot and drone, for various different types, but I suggest you try to come up with something unique to make it stand out a little more. It's always impressive, I think, when I read about a droid going by some term I've never heard. I think 'cyroid' was the last one I came across.

'shurgged off his jacket' - keeping with 'duster' at least a few times would be wise, so that the reader's mental image doesn't get overwritten

Jesse throwing credit chips left and right seems a bit much. To the barman, yes, but the Rycan just won a crap load, and why would the dealer need any? Surely the barman is the only one who will be paying for repairs.

I think you can afford to call it 'Stenax Prison-Asteroid Facility 386', since the numbers are part of its name

'In the prison('s) main office'

'red dirt' might read easier than 'earth'

You don't appear to capitalise 'human' but you do capitalise alien races - you need to keep it consistent. Either make none of them capitalised, or capitalise 'human'

'"The Nexus gang, (s)ir(.) Ten in all."'

'sir' is not capitalised

'doing maintenance' might be better as 'performing maintenance'

Why didn't Goddard try to take out the transport instead of just sitting and watching his wingman be killed?

'Grimmel threw his bottle of ale(.) Blue ale...'

Lastly, 'That thought that troubled Warden Grimmel'?

One thing you should be wary of is not making the crew too confusing. You may have done so, I haven't read enough to know, but I'd specify who was who early on and perhaps give those with longer, more complicated names some kind of nickname or something. You have to remember that while it's all clear in your head, the more characters there are, the more complicated it will get for the reader to remember who's who. I've read entire books, just resigning myself to not having a clue who more than 1 or 2 of the characters actually are. I have a team of nine by the end of my book, but I made sure they have fairly easy names, and characteristics to identify them with easily enough - so hopefully, the reader can identify who's speaking even if I don't specify. It may not have worked as well as I hope, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, there's not really anything else I can say about it. I liked it a lot and I will back it. Good luck :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Also, the SF42 sci fi group might be helpful for you, as we all read and critique each other's work. And, of course, we're all sci fi writers. http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/76682/science-fiction-critique-group-sf42/

I like the way we're dropped right into your character's thoughts and into some form of conflict. You grabbed my attention straight away.

The repetition of muddy didn't work for me. It almost worked because I thought you were going for something like, "The streets were muddy. The sidewalk was muddy. Everything was muddy." However, as is, it didn't read right. Perhaps you can show the reader how muddy it is? I do like the sluck-ing bit.

One thing that slowed me down was your use of adjectives. I can tell you love them. Have you considered paring down your usage of them? Often times less is more when it comes to writing. In my opinion, your descriptions are well-written and vivid enough without some of them.

"Surprised me, too." Jesse ran his free... It should be a period instead of a comma since "ran" is unrelated to speech.

I like the dialogue, particularly, "Don't make me shoot you under the table." Great characterization. Along the same lines, the overall voice in this piece works effectively. It's a great read so far!

Though I don't read sci-fi that often, this is a solid beginning. I could easily see myself purchasing this at the bookstore. Nice work!

So glad you enjoyed STARHAWK. A sequel is in the works as we speak, as well as a spinoff novel for Kayla. Both are fun characters to write. I also have two short prequel stories written and available to read on Writing.com. FAST FRIENDS (ID # 1783534) tells the tale of how Jesse and Morogo met. AN ADDITION TO THE FAMILY (ID#1793978) tells a tale from Jesse's youth, with his father Thom as the central character. Feel free to take a look and let me know what you think.

Thanks,
Joe

I liked this a lot. I love the books that take place in space. Jesse was an awesome character. I'm a Han Solo fan, and Jesse is a lot like him--cocky, brave. Kayla was awesome, too. I'd love to see them get together in a sequel!
Great job!
Noelle J Alabaster 'Dark Origins'

I liked this a lot. I love the books that take place in space. Jesse was an awesome character. I'm a Han Solo fan, and Jesse is a lot like him--cocky, brave. Kayla was awesome, too. I'd love to see them get together in a sequel!
Great job!
Noelle J Alabaster 'Dark Origins'

Just working my way through my WL. If this was a return read sorry for the delay. I was skeptical when I started this but was quickly swept up by the characters, the action, and the description. Everything was crafted with a careful hand. I imagine some may complain about the number of characters introduced so quickly, and I'll admit I did have to read slowly to keep them straight, but it had a very cinematic feel to it. * * * * * *

BEST
BS
HAKTAW HEART

Thanks so much for the kind comments on Starhawk. I find it's gaining quite the following, though why I cannot convince an agent to look at it is beyond me. Working on it though.

My other two works on Authonomy are predecessors of Starhawk (New Leaf, then Moonshadow, in terms of timeline) but not direct prequels. Starhawk II is already well in the works, as well as a spin off for Kayla and an anthology of shorts on how the crew came together.

Will have to take a look at Dark of the Moon in the near future. Thanks again.
Joe

Dear Joseph,
You wouldn't expect a middle age woman to be reading this genre but the truth is...I adored it! I still am a huge stargate series fan, have all their series in my library and watch them every once in a while. Space adventures are thrilling to me and your books are very well written, so i will be enjoying them :).
Amphibian bartender, rodent eyes, goat faced, piggish snout and large pointed ears. This did it for me.

I have six starred your work and put Starhawk in line for the shelf.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Thanks so much for the kind comments on Starhawk. I find it's gaining quite the following, though why I cannot convince an agent to look at it is beyond me. Working on it though.

My other two works on Authonomy are predecessors of Starhawk (New Leaf, then Moonshadow, in terms of timeline) but not direct prequels. Starhawk II is already well in the works, as well as a spin off for Kayla and an anthology of shorts on how the crew came together.

Am adding The North Korean to my watchlist. Hopefully I can get to it sometime in the near future. Thanks again for the support.
Joe

Joseph,
How can you top bounty hunting in space for high adventure. The trekkie bar for assorted species is just one of endless possibilities coming out of the open-ended scenario. "Starhawk" absolutely deserves blue-ribbon status for entertainment value in space. Certainly Jesse and Kayla make an ideal pair in terms of counterpointing each other for lively dialogue. Your prose is shoot-from-the hip straight and easy to follow, making it all a delightful read. Thanks.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Joseph,
How can you top bounty hunting in space for high adventure. The trekkie bar for assorted species is just one of endless possibilities coming out of the open-ended scenario. "Starhawk" absolutely deserves blue-ribbon status for entertainment value in space. Certainly Jesse and Kayla make an ideal pair in terms of counterpointing each other for lively dialogue. Your prose is shoot-from-the hip straight and easy to follow, making it all a delightful read. Thanks.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Howdy Joe,
I enjoyed chapter 11 today. I like the verb 'hissed' here. I chuckled at Jesse and Morogo looking like they'd been through a shredder.
A possible nit: I think it would come across stronger if you were to omit all that's in between: Kayla raised an eyebrow. /"What happened?" We'll get that she was intrigued (true, the gesture can mean other things, but I think it would work without telling us she was such and such. And here I don't think you need: and asked.
Whereas I think your speech tag here is effective: "I don't think I'll be doing that much longer," Kayla admitted.
Not crits. Just my schnuddering. It's a vivid and fun read.
Regards,
John Campbell

Hey John,
Glad you are enjoying Starhawk. If you're interested, and want to send me your email address, I have a short Starhawk tale called "Fast Friends" that I think you'd enjoy. It ties in to chapter 11 quite nicely.

Joe

Howdy Joe,
I enjoyed chapter 11 today. I like the verb 'hissed' here. I chuckled at Jesse and Morogo looking like they'd been through a shredder.
A possible nit: I think it would come across stronger if you were to omit all that's in between: Kayla raised an eyebrow. /"What happened?" We'll get that she was intrigued (true, the gesture can mean other things, but I think it would work without telling us she was such and such. And here I don't think you need: and asked.
Whereas I think your speech tag here is effective: "I don't think I'll be doing that much longer," Kayla admitted.
Not crits. Just my schnuddering. It's a vivid and fun read.
Regards,
John Campbell

Dear Joseph,
You wouldn't expect a middle age woman to be reading this genre but the truth is...I adored it! I still am a huge stargate series fan, have all their series in my library and watch them every once in a while. Space adventures are thrilling to me and your books are very well written, so i will be enjoying them :).
Amphibian bartender, rodent eyes, goat faced, piggish snout and large pointed ears. This did it for me.

I have six starred your work and put Starhawk in line for the shelf.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Wow. Chapter two is alive. And, again, I feel as if I'm watching a movie. Great description of the prison--and Grimmel, scratching lazily at his belly.
And, an important touchstone: Of all the bounty hunters he had dealt with in his career, young Jesse Forster was one of the few that he genuinely liked.
Good stuff. I'll pop back for more and will rate soon.
JBC

I thoroughly enjoyed your first chapter. It's well done at every level, the description, the dialogue, the pace. And Jesse makes a great MC.
Nits:
You have a paragraph that begins: Watching the man . . . Followed by a paragragh that begins: Reaching the bar . . . How 'bout tweaking that second choice with something like: Once at the bar? When he reached the bar?
As I said, your descriptions are well done. You might internalize, however, the description of the taller Vor'na'cik, for example, with something like: (after all these years?) Jesse could not abide the piggish snout nor the large pointed ears . . . Internalizing some descriptions keeps us closer to the POV and seems less like authorial input, as if you're personally offering us, the reader, help to visualize. This is very cinematic, I must say, in the good sense of the term. I believe someone said how this was like watching a movie, and I agree.
Your writing and story are quite winning, and I look forward to reading and commenting further.
Best,
John B Campbell

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. Vivid visuals. Good world-building. Atmospheric. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Excellent opening line, and your opening paragraph hooked me.
2) ' ... and the assorted trash that filtered through this part of town at all hours.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for beings.
3) 'A plate of half-eaten grommet ribs was pushed off to a side.' I have no idea what a 'grommet rib' is. Is it big? Small? Meaty? Fatty? Twisted? Flat? Rounded? The point is, I can't get a visual here.
4) ' ... and he saw the Warwick seated near the stage leap onto the bar.' Try to avoid using the word 'saw.' Just describe what Jesse saw so the reader can experience the situation along with Jesse. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'he saw' will be implied. There are more places where you use the word 'saw.'
5) "Don't bother," Replace the comma with a period.
6) "Sure," He brushed white strands of hair away from his face. Replace the comma with a period.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Please consider "Savannah Fire" when you reshuffle your bookshelf at the end of the month.

Have a sensational day.

Al

Many thanks for your comments Al. I have already made the revisions.

Seeing as I backed Savannah Passion in the past, I see no recourse but to back Savannah Fire as well. =) It would have made my list once it hit the top 5 anyway, so why not start a little early?

If you have any other comments or critiques on the rest of the ms, I'd love to know what they are.

Regards,
Joe

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. Vivid visuals. Good world-building. Atmospheric. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Excellent opening line, and your opening paragraph hooked me.
2) ' ... and the assorted trash that filtered through this part of town at all hours.' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for beings.
3) 'A plate of half-eaten grommet ribs was pushed off to a side.' I have no idea what a 'grommet rib' is. Is it big? Small? Meaty? Fatty? Twisted? Flat? Rounded? The point is, I can't get a visual here.
4) ' ... and he saw the Warwick seated near the stage leap onto the bar.' Try to avoid using the word 'saw.' Just describe what Jesse saw so the reader can experience the situation along with Jesse. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'he saw' will be implied. There are more places where you use the word 'saw.'
5) "Don't bother," Replace the comma with a period.
6) "Sure," He brushed white strands of hair away from his face. Replace the comma with a period.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Please consider "Savannah Fire" when you reshuffle your bookshelf at the end of the month.

Have a sensational day.

Al

I don't normally read SciFi, but I enjoyed your fast-paced first chapter.

Terrific alien creatures, winning prose style and an exciting opening to your story. Harkens back to the pulps and space opera such as Flash Gordon or the Star Wars series, and that is no bad thing at all in my book. Fast-paced, exciting fugitive/chase scene.

P

An exciting and gripping first chapter. It's like being at the movies. Great work !

Kenny Hill

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for sci-fi enthusiasts.

Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

will add to my BS a.s.a.p.

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for sci-fi enthusiasts.

Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

will add to my BS a.s.a.p.

Just finished reading your novel Starhawk.. I found it to be a very well put together SciFi novel. The character development was beyond impressive. My favorite character hands down would be Sneaker.

Keep up the great work.. Looking forward to the second book in the series. I could definately see this book as a published novel.

Ralph Guadagno

As usual, profession, great space opera. I could easily see this being a Chris Bunch story, or one of the Star Wars novels. Great feel, very cinematic.

finale:
so sending such an order - redundant
traverse around her : awk
opinion: you might need to work on dropping too many foreign names in close proximity.

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

A good read and not quite the ending I expected. The story follows one of the typical SF themes, bounty hunters hunting an arch enemy, but the writing makes the story fresh. Character development is covered in the first few chapters with an extended flashback later in the novel. This is a book out can read on a warm afternoon sipping your favorite beverage in a hammock. 4 stars Bill [ENDQUOTE

Many thanks for the kind review. I'm gald you enjoyed it. Curious asto what surprised you about the ending (have an idea, but want to make sure)
Regards,
Joe

A good read and not quite the ending I expected. The story follows one of the typical SF themes, bounty hunters hunting an arch enemy, but the writing makes the story fresh. Character development is covered in the first few chapters with an extended flashback later in the novel. This is a book out can read on a warm afternoon sipping your favorite beverage in a hammock. 4 stars Bill

Hi. I’m pressed for time and only browsed through your work. I found it interesting and intriguing, enough to back it. If you tell me which chapter(s) you would like me to critique, I will do so as soon as I clear my desk.
Meantime, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? Honest comment and backing will be appreciated.
Dan

Hi, Dan,
Thanks for the offer to critique. I guess if you want to browse chapters 8 & 9 for now and let me know what you think, that would be great.

Will be adding your book to my watchlist and will try to get to it in the next few weeks. School months are always hard for me to do much in the way of writing. I'm much more productive during summer months.

Thanks again,
Joe

Apologies. I've have this on my WL for months (if I recall). I don't read much SF (barely any) so not really best person to comment. The initial scene did put me in mind of Star Wars, almost inevitably, and so maybe it's a risky way to start but, then again, I did smile at the Wandering Nomad!
Once past that, it becomes more its own story....and I do like your writing. You keep it easy, don't strain the reader - it's rare here...in the home of overwriting!
I'm shelf-committed right now but you deserve a backing with this....will you nudge me if I don't get to it in a few weeks? Janexx

Hi. I’m pressed for time and only browsed through your work. I found it interesting and intriguing, enough to back it. If you tell me which chapter(s) you would like me to critique, I will do so as soon as I clear my desk.
Meantime, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN? Honest comment and backing will be appreciated.
Dan

chapter 2:
typo: asteroid's corridors
questions, for atmosphere, what's the gravity like? power? generic fusion?
I'm just trying to get a feel for the universe and the tech level.
opinion:
warden should ask himself why bother to shoot up the prison? why not just jump away?

It rocks, and it's funny, like Star Wars or Simon Green's Deathstalker.
I'm backing it from the first page and I'll finish reading it later.

only nit, maybe use the title Warwick one sentence earlier.
You also call It initially and he later.

when everyone got there at once, the "he growled" was ambiguous.

opinion cut the "surpised me too." Adds to the punch and professionalism.

I'm embarrassed - my previous comments seem to have disappeared into the great digital unknown. Very intriguing start which pulled me, the reader, straight in. Very good character development - Backed

wow, very impressive. Very believable characters and I got sucked into the story - good job. backed

This is very well written. The characters and the action are vivid, especially the little Sneaker character. This would make a great movie (film)! there were a few errors in tense of verbs, nothing major. Be careful that Sneaker doesn't morph into R2D2 and Jesse doesn't become Hans Solo. Each of these characters should have qualities that will make them different. Jesselowe

Thanks for the comments. I have actually found myself contemplating turning this into a screeenplay, since I am boggled by the incredible lack of originality in Hollywood these days. (A reboot of the Lethal Weapon series??? Is nothing sacred?) I have often said that I write cinematically.

As for Jesse morphing into Han Solo, I never saw him that way. In my mind he is a cross between Kevin Costner in Silverado (That's where his two-gun holster comes from) and Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon (Again.) As for Sneaker and Bokschh morphing into the Star Wars droids, I am very conscious of trying to keep that from happening, which is why I never have them in a scene together, (to keep them from bickering.) Considered giving Sneaker an actual "voice" but determined that I like him better silent (mostly)

This is very well written. The characters and the action are vivid, especially the little Sneaker character. This would make a great movie (film)! there were a few errors in tense of verbs, nothing major. Be careful that Sneaker doesn't morph into R2D2 and Jesse doesn't become Hans Solo. Each of these characters should have qualities that will make them different. Jesselowe

Backed Starhawks. Not our genre (no vampires), but enjoyed the fast paced action. Good job.
CC Brown

Starhawk catches readers in the first paragraph and prepares them for a wild ride, while establishing enough of Jesse's personality to allow readers not eally to indentify with him, but simply to like him as a man on a mission — a man no different than all of us, trying to make a living at a chosen profession. Jesse's is simply more dangerous and therefore more entertaining.
As a journalist, I also like the shorter paragraphs, which enhance the action and the speed of the drama. Readers do not get stuck in the grey of the page or the dullness of overly descriptive surroundings. Well done.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Great story with interesting characters I'd like to spend more time with. This book deserves time on my shelf.

Jumped right into the action, and kept the pace. Good writing, interesting characters, good story.

Backed

Thoroughly impressive opening here and something of a literary twang to it.


BACKED

Joseph -

Starhawk - Great character Jesse, and with the easy flow of writing I'd happily follow him into serial adventure. It's a book I backed but forgot to leave a comment on. So just to say, it's enjoyable, I've supported Starhawk, and it would be great if you could have a look at my story.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I read the first chapter and am hooked.

This is some very fine writing, not to mention marketable to a wide audience. Any director would love to get his/her claws on this story line. I wish you great success.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

To Joseph Madden (Starhawk),
There is a huge market for this kind of book and it looks as though you're providing some of it, the good quality bits. I can appreciate the background information you would need to produce an 80k book. I admire that effort. I'm BACKING your book and have a place for it on my bookshelf. Good luck with your writing.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Starhawk.

A logical development of the space movies featuring Costner and Gibson.

A timely reminder that a change of environment does not mean a change in the fundamental strengths and weaknesses of human nature.

The story is well paced, the style distinctive, and the characters convincing.

There is a sizeable readership for action novels set in space, and inserting a bounty hunter in that environment is a nifty idea.

Backed.

Azam Gil
l“Blasphemy!”

“BACKED!” We love the fast-paced action and your character descriptions. This is one of the best Sci-Fi we’ve seen on this site! Good Luck!
CC Brown
Dark Side

A fun, fast paced SF story, but be careful of those cliches, they’re out to get you if they can.

A nit from the first chapter: I think you mean “Ryca in its rainy season was an even worse slophole than it was now” or “Ryca in its rainy season was even more of a slophole etc…”

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

A fun science-fiction adventure

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Lovely. Reminded me of all those delicious old sci fic books of the 1950/60's. I have a shelf stuffed full of them, this would be right at home there.

Bountiful fun action in this sci-fi bounty hunters adventure aboard the STARHAWK, good work, Joseph J. Madden, surely a crowd pleaser.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Jesse is very Han-Solo, a slightly jaded, smart-mouthed and brilliant bounty hunter, walking the line between 'good' and 'lawless'. I enjoyed reading about this character. Backed!