Into The Sunset

Overall, the plot to this thriller is quite interesting and unique. I especially appreciate the historical investigative narrative, revealing the previous individuals inexplicitely saved from harm in deadly accidents or incidents, and their connections to the Church house. This places Danny surviving the bomb explosion without any physical injury well within the mystery surrounding the property. Still, there seems to be much to explain, and I would enjoy discovering more in your yet-to-be uploaded crafting of the tale.

Keeping in mind that I am not UK and not familiar with the standard by which you write, also that a fine edit will polish out those places where minor words or letters are missing... we never notice them when proof reading our own works... I do not understand the capitalization of the word OKAY in Chapter 1. I was also confused when Danny noted a surveilling vehicle at the first of Chapter 3 as a red Focus, and then, at the first of Chapter 4, Danny keeps looking for a red Sierra. Are they the same? It is a technical detail, to be sure, and why is it red? Red draws attention, as opposed to a more common blue or gray or black lookie-loo.

Anyway, I did notice some comments directed toward your dialogue and pattern of speech, to which I wondered if military did actually speak in such a manner. Is a commanding officer truly referred to as “Boss,” as opposed to simply “Sir?” And a Staff Sergeant is addressed as Staff. So much seems too strange to me to comment, though a bit of stiffness in dialogue would be expected between military personnel, but then, Danny’s driver addresses Danny as “Boss” and it’s all lost on me. I’ll leave that to you to sort out.

The only real problem I could find with the telling was the kiss Sarah quickly planted on Danny’s cheek in Chapter 7, but then, perhaps I am a bit old fashioned. After having made a special trip to asked Danny to leave her grandparents out of it, having only gone through a significant amount of dusty history together, and shared a bit of food and wine, as could be expected as hospitality, I was surprised that their relationship had progressed to a kiss. It seems too intimate, as opposed to a prolonged handshake and a goodnight wish exchange. But what do I know? Nada!

I would enjoy reading more, should that develop, and wish you the best for now.

Oh, also, people won't know you've replied to their comment if you click 'reply', as it just posts it here, and no one's likely to come back to the comments page once they've left one. 'Send message' is better.

As I was saying:

The dialogue is in particular need of redoing, as most of it doesn't sound natural. Just a case of looking at what you've got and imagining someone actually saying it. Would they say those actual words or would they shorten it a bit - like some people would say 'good morning', while others would say 'morning' or just 'hi' or something.

As well as that, looking at what you have vs what you need. So what is there that doesn't need to be - such as telling us that he rang his boss. If there's nothing important about it, and you're not going to show us the conversation, then it's probably not necessary.

Watching the word count can be a very bad thing, too, as you'll end up writing awkwardly and unnecessarily just to pad it out.

Detail-wise, much of it could be written a different, more interesting way. So rather than telling us something straight, write it metephorically, or similie...istically? Or use Danny's thought's to show us details instead.

The main thing is to try to get into the frame of mind to look through it as unbiased as possible. What is unnecessary, what doesn't read smoothly enough, what could be described better, what doesn't sounds natural and realistic, etc.

It's quite hard to do, and didn't happen for me until something like my 25th edit :( But once I managed it, I rewrote chunks of the book and it reads far better now.

Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Hi Daniel
Would you believe this is the first real feedback I have had!
The double/single quote - I thought single was right but was told doubles were better.
The capitol 'OK' is a spellchecker thing, the new draught is now 'okay'
Some of the detail is too much I know, I am in a major rewrite as we speak. One problem is that I am writing from within the scene, knowing what really happens so tend to walk myself through fact, not thinking about the reader. In the early days I was obsessed with word count and tried to pad things out a bit as well. But it is all a learning experience at the moment.
I have been thinking about cutting it drastically into a short story, anything is possible.
Thanks

Hi Steve

I read most of the first chapter; but not all, as it's quite long. It is promising, but needs quite an overhaul. I'll get straight to my notes:

"Damn(,)"

Americans use double quotes for speech, but UK is single. There's something about double that makes me think of stories written in school. I've only just switched mine from double to single and it was a bit of a nightmare doing so. They way I did it was going through and changing all the single marks (for quotes inside dialogue mostly) to dollar signs (because there are no dollar signs elsewhere in the book) and then replaced all doubles with singles, and then all dollar signs with doubles. In the end, All dialogue is single quote marks, all quotes outside of dialogue are also single, and all quotes inside dialogue are double, so that it doesn't get confusing.

'Glancing at the clock...' This could be changed to 'He glanced at the clock. 02:37.'

It's easy to fall into a kind of step-by-step walkthrough of the scene, in an attempt to make the reader see exactly what you're seeing in your head. Another example is 'He picked up the reciever.' It is, arguably, necessary to point out that he picked it up lest the reader think he's talking TO the phone rather than INTO it. But you can do that, minus the hand-holding, with '"Yes(?)" he mumbled into the reciever.'

'Suspect IED' - I think it should be 'suspect device' or 'suspected IED'.

'I'm on my way(;) tell the police...'

You can do away with the brackets by simply removing 'IED' and going straight into the full term.

'...let him know that (they) had been called out'

Be careful with 'that' - it's another thing I've just gone through and removed a lot of. You can afford to do without a lot of iterations of it. '...to let him know they'd been called out.'

Contractions, too. I've spent most of my time here telling people 'you shouldn't have so many contractions', only to be corrected, eventually. Although there's still something I don't like about having contractions outside of dialogue, most writers do it, and it does help the flow of the text. Don't use them to extreme, but you can afford to do it now and then, so long as it's from the character's POV. So, for example: 'if they weren't sure what it was, they'd have called it...' (although personally, I'd leave one of those uncontracted). If you read the next paragraph (starting 'Picking up his briefcase...') you may notice that it is slightly awkward to get through - contracting one or two bits may help that. Perhaps:

'Picking up his briefcase, Danny left the Sergeant's Mess and headed for his car (minus a repetition of 'his'). It was just a short drive to the garage where he'd meet his driver, who would, mercifully (optional, just to keep some semblance of the character's thoughts/feelings involved), be warming up the van.

'blue lights and flashing headlights' - repetition of 'lights' is a bit awkward.

'high(-)visibility'

Is it necessary to tell us Armstrong has been notified of proceedings? Wouldn't he have been told anyway, by someone else?

'The van slowed down AND stopped [...] POLICE car AND a tall POLICE officer climbed out.'

'Good morning, Sam', 'Good morning, Danny' - just doesn't sound real. 'Morning' would be more natural, perhaps; at least from one of them.

Wouldn't a police protected witness have...well, police protection? Sounds like he's no more protected that anyone else if he had to call the police. I'd imagine at least one officer staking the place out.

'just before 23:30' - doesn't go in dialogue. 'just before half eleven. First car arrived about ten minutes later...'

'Mick pointed (at/out) the number on the gate'

Why is 'okay' in caps?

Earlier you say the first responders saw the device, now you say special branch did.

I didn't read much further than this. I have to go for an hour or so, so I'll come back then with a bit more detail.

Read your opening chapter, the story is not without promise, but as others have commented, there's too much description and way too much exposition for the first chapter. Virtually from the off we are told the details of Danny's career, and a wealth of other information is quickly laid at our feet. Also, as others have said, there are too many numbers, for example the dimensions of the bag, and 20 metres linking the front door to the lane - this kind of thing gets in the way of a flowing story; consequently I found the chapter a little heavy-going at times. Your pitch is intriguing, and with some work the story could work, but I feel that you could do some heavy cutting of the first chapter.

Hello Steve
As promised, I read the first chapter t his morning. I don't usually read thrillers so maybe my comments won't be very helpfull, but here goes. For me, there are too many numbers and acronyms in the first few pages. For the uninformed reader it can be a bit obscure. You should also get rid of all the numbers and write them in words where possible. It looks less technical. I agree with some of the other comments too, that there's maybe a bit too much description of the action. It slows it down. Unless it's important he takes out his wallet do you really need to mention it?
Hope this is okay, this is the first comment I've written!
If you get back to The Abomination, I updated so if you already read the first chapter yesterday you would pick up at chapter five.
I'll get back to the bomb site now!
Jane

Your storytelling grabbed me and sucked me into the action. Nicely done. The narrative moves briskly and smoothly. I found a couple of nits worth mentioning...

"OK, Mick, can you turn off the blues and follow the police."

OK should be Okay. As for the sentence, if it is a question then add a question mark. But since he is in charge, it would sound better as a statement - "Okay, Mick, turn off the blues and follow the police." -or- "Mick, kill the blues and follow the cops."

"Mick undid the chinstrap of the helmet and pulled if of[f] of Danny's head." of>off

I'll come back for more later. Ray

Steve, you have a promising story here.
Reading the first chapter I did initially feel a little impatient to get right to the heart of the action, although it was clear you wanted to build up the scene and characters for us. I felt Danny’s back story was a bit much all at once – maybe you could feed this info in more progressively. Some areas might be better with some showing not telling e.g. ‘… were comfortable in each other’s company.’ It would be effective to see this in the characters’ behaviour, rather than directly be told.
Also, with dialogue, I’ve heard editors prefer the form ‘Danny said,’ rather than ‘said Danny.’ Apparently, it’s more modern! It’s probably a matter of preference, but it encouraged me to bear this in mind in my own work.

Hi Steve,

I read the first 3 chapters and I appreciated the quality. The work around the dreams is something I like, as myself use it in my story too. One thing maybe is lacking: Danny's character is a bit flat sometimes. Maybe, he supposed to? Maybe if I read further, that will change? The last, I will do as I want to know who is this mysterious woman !

Cheers,

Jeremie

Hi Steve,
This is very well written. The characters and dialogue ring true and there's no wastage of words, making for a swift and exciting read.

I made a couple of notes. Feel free to ignore, of course.

'The ringing phone, startled Staff Sergeant Danny Collins from his sleep.' I felt this would save you the need to call him Danny and then explain his position and rank a few sentences later.

Sergeant's mess --needs apostrophe.

'Danny took his jacket off, took his wallet out of his trouser pocket, took his watch off, and left them all..' (seemed a little repetitive, although I think I know why you wrote it, as it slows the pace and makes us feel his anxiety -- how about, 'Danny took his jacket off and his wallet from his pocket before removing his watch carefully. He left them all next to the car.' (just a thought).

A very entertaining and well-written piece of work, backed with pleasure.

Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

This is exciting! You've done a great job of giving us action and suspense. The story and characters are strong, and you definitely give us entertainment! I think an edit or two will really kick this up a notch, punctuation, dialogue, extra words, those are all relatively minor fixes. You've got the story down, it's great. Now just comes the polishing. Good luck, I think this had a ton of potential. Let me know if you ever upload more too!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Excellent well pitched book. Your story is exciting and very timely. Danny Collins is an interesting abd captivating character.
You got voice, narrative and theme all blended to give a good read.
Punctuation beckons only

Backed
The Mind setter

You have a good premise here and with a little editing this could be one of those books that stand out on the site.

You need to take care of your punctuation especially with regards to dialogue, you tend to miss out either a comma or full stop at the end. Also, you sometimes forget to place a comma before using someone's name during dialogue.

It's a lttle repetitive in places, you have he took off his jacket, took his wallet out, took off his watch etc all within the same line, you could say he removed his jacket for instance.

Good luck, just keep tightening the prose.
Melxx

Dear Steve
I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. such talent you have to create a compelling read for me. I also believe your long pitch sells your book well. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
Denise
The Letter

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Danny. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Steve, I love that I'm not Danny :) - this would totally freak me out. :) What a great fantasy you have written. :) Your pitched enticed me to read & your tight dialogue & paragraphs zoomed me on through. :) What a fantastic read :) - unbelievable! :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

:) comment to follow - comment to follow shortly thereafter :)

Nice beginning! You jump right into something happening. The first chapter is charged with energy- something the reader will enjoy.

There are formatting errors (probably from when you uploaded onto the site) and some punctuation/spelling errors that should be fixed.

But other than this, I think it is great. Natural dialogue, interesting premise.

Backed with pleasure,

Cori
"Princess"

PS
If you get a second, I would love to get your thoughts on my book, "Princess- and of course, any backing that you might like to offer. :) Thanks!