Lordessa's Quest: The Gem Of Ishara

Your book cover is nicely done.

I would take out the word 'seemingly' and 'seem' in your pitch to add more tension and adds certainty to the suggestion that she has no choices in life. I would also take out the reference to a bright future. It appears you've given away the ending. For instance, you could say something like this:

Destiny is a funny thing, and something extraordinary happens when Lordessa's fate intertwines with that of others. Bonds will be forged and broken, etc etc.

Something like that, but it is just my opinion. As it is now, you have told me she has a bright future and so I have no need to read the book, because I want a struggle that I don't know the outcome to so that I stay interested.

I love the opening of the first chapter. It's silly and I like it. Your writing is wonderful so far.

'When the trolls had come home' maybe should be 'when the trolls came home.' There is no need for a comma in the next sentence.

It's a wonderful story so far. :-)

Reminicent of the Circle of Light series.

Scott Rhine -- Houses of the Holy

I enjoyed reading the first two chapters of this fantasy. I like the beavers, Banshi and Digger, which provide the comic relief from the darkness that surrounds Lordessa. It inevitably brought The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings to mind, but has its own unique character.
My only comment is that there could be a little less direct exposition. For example, we are told a lot about what Helden thinks, feels and plans. Perhaps some of this could be suppressed and revealed bit by bit, say, by how he reacts to Vaneena’s sharp and insightful questioning.
A minor point was a typographical one. I thought it would be helpful to have some way of indicating shift of scene, such as a larger gap between paras or an asterisk whenever we flip from, say, Lordessa to the Crystal City. At the moment each jump in scene catches the reader a little unawares.
I spotted a few typos, which I’ll send separately in a message.
But I think this will appeal to the YA crowd as it is certainly an imaginatively written story.

I found chapter one, rather hard to follow, but two got better. I like the idea of the half beavers - makes a change from were-wolves.

Gentleman who lives by resourcful barter - reminds me of guy self-employed in steel industry

Mariah,
"Lordessa's Quest" is an intricate tale, meticulously woven with strange and exotic patterns. Piggybacking on Lordessa's POV put me right where the action was, her headstrong meanderings bringing on one challenge after the other. Your easy prose and clever dialogue give each scene the ambiance you seem to want to create. The undercurrent of humour bubbles up now and then as tension breakers, keeping things in perspective. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

- Lordessa's Quest -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

Yet another good example of why I couldn't write fantasy. The imagination it must take to build a world like this is pretty incredible. The settings are vivid and realistic and you feel dropped into them right from the off.

I made a priticular note of the characterisation as I read. The two half beavers were very good as comic relief and in moving the plot forward. But the most impresive character for me was Helden, particularly in his interactions with Valeena which showed him to be not your average one-dimensional baddie. Lordessa is very graceful and likeable, the graceful part being particularly evident when juxtaposed against the beavers' fighting and dopiness. In some stages, she reminded me of Galadriel from Lord of the Rings. I might have liked her to seem a wee bit more vulnerable at times so that I could identify with her more but I'm probably just nitpicking.

I made a few small notes on nitpicks....

-There were a few cases where I felt there might have been a bit too much explanation given after dialogue, a bit of authorial intrusion that was superfluous. For example:
....."Your mother must be very proud," said the princess, returning his sarcasm. (chapter one)
...."I don't think that would be such a good idea," Banshee disagreed. (chapter three)
-the sarcasm and disagreement are clear from the context so it slowed down the narrative a bit for me to have them in there.

-When a character is addressed in speech, the term of address needs to be capitalised and preceded by a comma. So "With all due respect sir," (chapter three) should be "With all due respect, Sir."

-Typo in chapter two: "Disgust and hatred are much stronger emotions THAT love...." (should be 'than')

As I say, a very imaginative piece all round and one that I enjoyed reading.

All the best with it,

Ross

I'm always in awe of those who can come up with such imaginative stories! The half-beavers Digger and Banshi are intriguing characters: Banshi the serious one and Digger a half-wit. Their interactions were very amusing...I found myself laughing in several places.
I would have liked to been filled in on the background a bit...I felt a bit like this was the middle of a story rather than the beginning, and I found myself a bit confused in places. In addition, I felt the first chapter was quite long; a natural break for a new chapter might be when you first introduce Lordessa.
Overall, I found what I read quite enjoyable. I think with some polishing, your book has great potential, especially at the younger end of the YA market.
Best of luck!

Hi Mariah -

Really interesting story here, but needs some polishing. I would have liked to have seen your first chapter devoted to introducing Banshi and Digger and their mission/purpose. Perhaps some show (instead of tell) descriptions of their appearance and surroundings, and a more consistent "voice", so it's clear whether it's for grown ups or kids or teens. Then in chapter two you can introduce your heroine, more in depth about her feelings, her purpose, her surroundings, and so on.

Might also help the reader to place a space (***) in between scenes, to give them a heads up that they are changing locations/scenes.

Small things like punctuation and so on, which of course would be done in a final edit.

Overall, it's a very promising story and just needs a thorough edit so it reads smoother and allows the reader to get more into the heads and hearts of the characters and immerse themselves in the characters' surroundings.

Reading more...

Hi Mariah,

Your first chapter is a little long for one sitting, but I enjoyed it. It's humorus even though you don't list comedy in your genre list.

There are a few minorr errors. Firstly with punctuation, mainly in the form of missing speech marks.

You also have 'waste' which should be 'waist' and 'rest' which should be 'rested'.

On the technical side, there are no breaks between your scene changes. This is difficult to do in the Authonomy software, so it is better to use something more visual such a row of asterisks for your scene breaks.

I've only had time to look at the first chapter, but I hope to return to the story when time permits.

Ron

backing this book again under the new system,
j

Mariah,
I have to say I agree with a lot of what Andrea has to say. On occasions this feels a bit Disneyesque and, as a result, a bit too whimsical. Equally too much happens in the first chapter - too many events and too many charcters. In trying to whirl the reader along you leave them dazed.
I'm also not sure who this is aimed at. Some times the language and subject matter is adult but that's often undercut by the childish nature of the humour around Digger. It's as if you expect the reader to swing from extremes from moment to moment - low comedy to seriousness.
There's a good book in here that needs serious editing.

Hi there, did I warn you earlier that I would be brutal? Anyway, here goes. (always remember, take what you want and disregard the rest...it's just my opinion) First off, though your opening scene is well written, the characters, i'm afraid are very, very cliche. That particular scene has been played to death in movies and books, alike.

2nd: Your opening chapter moves much too fast. First we are in stealing jewels from trolls, then we're at the royal court...was this the ball? Then we are trying to find the kidnapped princess and we find the "obvious" clue--her tiara. Then we find her.....etc. And, amongst all that, you change perspective on us, so that we are no longer with Digger and Banshi, but we are with Princess Lordessa. And the chapter keeps going, and going, after that even.

3rd: Separate your characters personalities. Obviously, there is a huge personality difference between Digger and Banshi, but when you start in character as Princess Lordessa, she sounds just like Banshi. She should be more regal. Her language (because she would be educated) should reflect her heritage.

4th: Heldon says, "Regardless [put exclamation here] What the king wants, the king gets. Cliche again. Remember this is royalty and royal times. People of that time period and that heritage (even the servants) would never use that language. If i were writing this line I would say: Regardless! King [whatever his name is] will not be denied the information he seeks. Even from the Princess Lordessa.

Besides the issues I mentioned, I was drawn into your story. Although an entire book could have covered your first chapter, it was pieced together well. It's colorful and imaginitive and the characters came alive, so there is no doubt that you definitely can write. Good Luck!

Andrea (Serenity and Mademoiselle Butterfly)

This is a rollicking fantasy, filled with all the things a good fantasy book should. Love the banter between Banshi and his dimwitted brother Digger. It does much to develop their characters...but what do they look like? I didn't see anything that describesd their physical appearance, aside form knowing their race

There are a lot of unnecessary lines in the story, which slow your pace. For example, in the opening line I would get rid of everything after "said Digger". We can quickly surmise that Digger is a dime short of a dollar, in contrast to his witty brother.

A good yarn, and with a simple edit, it could be a great one. Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

VERY imaginative. This is the kind of book you can get lost in. I found myself reading far beyond bedtime. Best luck to you.

What wonderful characters you have created! They are complex and three dimensional. I can see myself right there alongside them as they go on their amazing adventure. I bet young adults everywhere would fall in love with this book. Backed. Jay

Mariah, Very endearing characters. creative storyline, half-animal half-humanintrigueing, and I love the princess,smart, strong but full of compassion. I didn't notice YA on your tag and though I myself love this I think you will have a much broader reach putting it under YA.
You build tension well and I lovethe dialogue and the relationship between Banshi and Digger, true brothers.
I do think a bit more imagery of Lordesa's kingdomand more bakground on the loss of her parents would help us really connect to her sooner, other thenhat I think this is truly enjoyable I wil be back to finishBacked with a smile patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Hi Mariah,

cleverly constructed and flows well for the younger reader, might suggest you flesh your opening Chapter paragraphs out a bit more to ground your plot. It's a tad short at 23000 words, but they're all quality.

backed

Rob

GET LENIN

I feel that this is the sort of book young adults will enjoy and have backed it for that reason. K.J.

HI Mariah, firstly thank you for backing ETHEREAL. Enjoying your journey you've painted - you paint well with words. Love the genre. Fun, fun stuff. Scriptwriter that I am, I read and write visually, and can tell a great movie - think yours would make a terrific one. :-) The second book, I take it, is indeed a continuation? Will jump over and read some of that one, too. I lived in northern NV for awhile. Reno and Sparks, and for short time Stead. Of course you could be in Elko or a dozen other places. I think I'm just shocked to find another writer here who is somewhat close to me. :-)

blessings,
jim

I just wish I could be a beaver bandit. Send me a t-shirt. backed, becuase it is a good narrative, and I think writing for kids is important. Don't feel qualified to talk about children;s fiction, but i do like what i read. consider yourself backed and on my shelf. Please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think.


blueboy

( The Age of Rhinestone )

The teens will just love this book. It is funny and well written. Good luck . Beth Anne Back with pleasure.

The teens will just love this book. It is funny and wel written. Good luck . Beth Anne Back with pleasure.

There is a great descriptive quality about this story. You paint a fascinating picture with words which is enthralling. The pace is nice, and the story unfolds in a nice, easy manner, which makes it very readable. The characters are believable as well. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Lordessa's Quest is a story for all ages, whose characters have purpose and conviction. The incorporation of humor adds to the storyline, which progresses well because of a plot development that was cemented in the early paragraphs. Visualizing the characters would be easier with a a little more description. Overall, a charming story.

Hi Mariah,

I like your characters. They are full of personality, which is what makes the reader stick with your book. Amusing too. There is a lot of movement too in your scenes, which makes it easy to visualise.

Backed.

Thank you for backing God of the Cocoa. Your support is much appreciated.

Best Wishes
Marilyn

Excellently written. I have read a lot of fantasy on this site and a lot more beside but there is a quality here that is beyond that which is normally expected. This is closer to literary fiction and the language is powerfully entwined with a structure that deserves much in the way of praise. Excellent fare.

BACKED

Very visual and amusing start with the two brothers, and I love the way Digger speaks, 'Me still don't see why you so excited about a ball'. Hm, what's this, 'she was a royal and he was a beaver'? Even more worrying is that Lordessa has been seemingly abducted ... by the Solemnites for some reason ... the Gem. The princess is not cowed, 'No more a reality than the smile you wear on your face'. With the help of the beaver brothers and tomatoes, she makes her escape and rescues her people. It's not enough, though. For the continued safety of the kingdoms, she must go on a quest to find the gem...

A rich mixture of fine descriptions - 'just before the sun rolled full in the sky' - and funny depictions - 'you can stay at the bottom and play with the dragon', 'throwing live chickens into the crowd of angry people'. This is a fantasy that combines the best of adventure, with humour and slapstick, in a way that will enthral and entertain readers of all ages ... backed.

Possible nits: Consider using 'okay' rather than 'o.k.' 'when the trolls had come home' -> 'when the trolls arrived home'. 'her wore about his waste [waist]'.

(Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.)

This is one of those books where I wasn't quite sure what to think, but I found myself smiling as I read along.

Lockjaw

Intriguing premise. A swirling fantasy, richly imagined. Descriptive without being wordy. Eclectic cast of characters. Poignant emotions. Tense narrative. Effective world building. Adroit writing. A magnetic read. Backed.

Hi mate, I quiet like the notion of purple eyes, and the title of your planned second. But I am not a natural reader of sci-fi or fantasy. I think I've passed that phase of life. I can't help but think that the story cld almost as well be set in the past as in the future. This makes me think of the great poem Orlando Furioso which is a stupendous romantic fantasy written in the 16th century. I don't know if that helps any. My feeling is that you will have to write a storm to beat the likes of Ariosto's great fantasy. I also think of Dune when I read your spec.

I started reding the first chapter but became a little lost. Banshi is arguing with his brother as he seems to be about to rob a house but then we find it was the lair of some trolls. You need to clarify this from the beginning. I know you want to get your story of and running but you have to inform the read of the surrounding and what is going on as they can't read your mind. Best of luck with this.

Mariah,

This is a unique world you've created. The beaverlings are great.

A simple story, with a vaguel Japanese feel. I did wonder if you'd considered labeling it as YA Fantasy, it had that feel to me.

Backed.

This is great, I love your characters! I think the strength of your book lies in the characters you've created. They are very memorable! The writing is good too, it's imaginative and flowing. I think an edit or two would clean this up very nicely and make it even stronger.I could see this as an animated movie. You've got a good thing going here so best of luck with it!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

A gently humerous style carries this story along at a fair pace. It should prove very popular with the target readership.
Backed for its potential
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

I like Digger as a character - he's great :-)
Storyline is very interesting. I agree with Jim that you need break to depict a scen change, I got confused a couple times. It's still totally cool and backed.
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

This is well written and entertaining. You depict character very well and dialogue is a strength. Only comment would be that where you have a change in point of view eg from Banshi to Lordessa part way down chapter 1, that you have a bigger gap so that the difference is emphasised. Only other thing would be to start a new chapter each time but this might not be practical.

Hi Mariah, you have crafted something very different and most entertaining here. I was reminded of Laurel and Hardy with the whistle joke early on -- I thought the slap stick humour of Digger and Banshi translated well into text. Of course it the dialogue that sparks this one off and how well it does so. The plot seemed to be advancing but I only read two chapters and as this is a long piece of work, I can't hope to do it justice with this brief comment.. I hope it encourages you to write more.
Very good work, backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Dear Mariah,
You have an imaginative premise and a lot of interesting characters. It's very visual - I could see this being made into a movie. Nice job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Lordessa. I also like that your work is character rich. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Mariah,
Lordessa's Quest: The Gem of Ishara has a thrilling plot and is written with great imaginative depth. Backed with pleasure.

Fantastic book written very well with a strong voice to it.
A fair bit of humour that comes across nicely, keeping the book flowing.
All the makings of a good read.
I was pleased to back it. earlier.

Kind regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

I only had time for a few chapters but did enjoy your voice.
You deliver a strong narration with good attention to details and the dialogue sounds real.
Good character development…internal dialogue instead of author “telling” would do even better. Overall a good pace which should do real well with readers of the genre.
Backed.
Dan
PS Could you pls look up mine?

Mariah,
I thoroughly enjoyed reading Lordessa's Quest. Pure and vivid with a touch of comic. The way you portray Digger is commendable and your story has life and much excitement. Banshi is interesting and seems educated compared to Digger who speaks rather stange.Now, is he his brother? Why does have this broken english? Maybe a line or 2 about Digger's background will solve that.

Apart from that, this is fantastic read and a literary treat and i think you should consider the age group intented in the classification section. ( YA etc)

best and it was a pleasure to read this.

Banshi and Digger are great characters and the humour is perfect except that it dies out suddenly after the theft of the gold rubilets. It may pay to read through slowly and try to insert some extra lines because these two are key characters and their banter is powering the tale. Is the spelling of 'Knap-sac' deliberate? a 'sac' is a pouch and the normal spelling would be 'Knap-sack'. Good luck with this, it has great potential. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

You are totally fantastiac, Mariah! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

This is brilliant. I was smiling the whole way through. Digger reminds me alot of Dopey the dwarf. The dialogue moves everything along and i had to laugh at the whole frog thing, hilarious. This was an absolute joy to read. backed with great pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

There's something very early Disney cartoonish about the scenario and the dialogue/language. No disrespect to you as a writer...I wish you success!
Stewart

Dear Mariah
I have now backed both your books and you are an amazing writer for sure.I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. I would like to commend you on the skill you have and the imagination and the talent in writing this work of art of yours. I loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha!

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Dear Mariah, I love, "A smile formed on her ugly face" - I actually laughed out loud. :) Your concise pitch prepared me for my read & your tight paragraphs & dialogue kept me reading. :) I love Digger & Banshi :) - what fun :) - pushing him off on the floor when snoring was funny. :) Great write. :) Hope you'll write a lot of book. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just backed your 2nd book, so will go to read & comment on it. :)