Facebook, Borders and Sacrificial Sheep

Oh and 6* x

Hi Deborah, shooting skunks, cybersex, St Ives, this is my kind of book! It's beautifully written smooth and flowing a great holiday read can't wait to buy the book. Seriously this is one of the few books I would seek out to buy, loads are well written on this site but yours is very unique and marketable. Good luck to you with it all the best Karen x

Deborah,

Your writing flows very naturally, and you have a sharp and jolly wit. This is an excellent premise, and your writing gives the impression that you're utterly English (I hope that's what you intended)! Well done for using the word 'twat' - a super English term to describe someone who's, well, a twat!

Can't find any technical issues to find fault with, so hats off to you, and please accept a generous sprinkling of stars. I'm impressed.

Pete

Dear Deborah

I remember this from the time I read it last time, but forgot to leave a comment - silly me! I can only blame my inexperience on the site at the time.

In "Facebook Borders and Sacrificial Sheep" you have given us a likeable tale that starts out as an all too believable internet romance. The appeal for me is the tone of your narrative: down to earth, direct and easy to get along with.

The conversational tone is appealing, though you could comb through for repetition and occasional over writing. Phrases such as "I just said, "Does Bilbil have a friend for me" but I did not think that she would ask him, or that he would have" may be the way that people write to each other on line - but feel confusing to the eye....well, my eyes at least.

You could take a look at your use of past/present tense, as you switch around at times, which makes the reading not as smooth as it could be. Check your MS and decide which you prefer.

All the best, Deborah. Enjoy your writing!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" x

the rhythm of the prose is good.

the premise? difficult to pull off. i think it can work if one likes the heroine a lot, is drawn to her.

interesting, the cool distancing effect of the writing... because it is less intimate. so this becomes something different to chicklit. to put troubled and sorted him out in italics is eccentric. but i can see why and it is not necessarily a bad idea.

intriguing.

A fantastic work which i term is a good read. Highly appreciated, highly starred.

Adeel

A good read so far which I have awarded many stars and placed on my watch list. In Jess you describe someone I seem to know well. Your dialogue is excellent, the story is well paced and interesting throughout. I will put this book on my shelf when I have a space. Good luck. yours Bea

The opening paragraph dragged me in, and I couldn't put it down. I love the main charaacter. Many people will be able to empathize with her. Many people have met and dated and married people they've met online. I have, and many others besides me! It is a very timely story. I am giving you 6 stars and putting you on my WL for later backing. Great writing! I want this book when it comes out!

Sincerely,
D.S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

The opening paragraph dragged me in, and I couldn't put it down. I love the main charaacter. Many people will be able to empathize with her. Many people have met and dated and married people they've met online. I have, and many others besides me! It is a very timely story. I am giving you 6 stars and putting you on my WL for later backing. Great writing! I want this book when it comes out!

Sincerely,
D.S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

Love it, love it, popped on my watchlist to check out asap I think a lot of women will secretly recognise a part of themselves in this :)

Love it, love it, popped on my watchlist to check out asap I think a lot of women will secretly recognise a part of themselves in this :)

FACEBOOK, BORDERS & SHEEP
This is a story that feels very real. Jess is a great main character: she works at a terrible job, has fallen in love with the wrong man, gets no support from her workmates . . . she could be anyone of us. You have a good writing style for this type of story; it’s crisp and always keeps things moving forward. Overall, I enjoyed t his read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President

A RWCG Critique

Hi Deborah,

I've read all 31 chapters posted. Overall I think this is an incredibly sweet and unique story with tons of potential.

Title/Cover/Pitch:
- I think, as is, this story falls more into Woman's Lit than into the romance genre. I think it's fine that way, but if your goal is for this to be a romance novel, with a little rearranging, that would be easy enough to do.
- I like the title and cover. Both uniquely identify and encompasses your story.
- The short pitch is good. I like that you were able to summarize the story and showcase Jess' character in only one sentence.
- I love the last line of the long pitch, but, in my opinion, some of the rest of it could use some tightening up. I think it could be stronger if you took out the qualifiers. For example, "Finding it difficult to trust since her ex-husband cheated on her" feels to me like you're apologizing to the reader for Jess.


Opening Chapter:
By my previous comment, I'm sure you've guessed that I wasn't a fan of the opening chapter. Had I been reading for pleasure rather than critique, I would have stopped mid-way through chapter 1, and it would have been my loss. I was not a fan of Jess at all. To me, she came off like a "Mary-Sue", an idealized version of someone. In other words, fake (again, this is just in the first chapter, after that the problem resolves itself). I believe that the story should start later, like perhaps with her stepping off the plane in Tunisia. Generally I don't like to dwell on the things I didn't like, but since I'm suggesting that you cut a large chunk at the beginning, I wanted to give you some idea of why. I apologize in advance for the negativity here:
- opening the story with a near-rant about Facebook and its users turned me off immediately
- the second and third paragraph is Jess going back on her opinion and justifying it to the reader, another turnoff
- next comes a superficial online conversation with Fawn. Due to its placement and Jess' attitude, it comes off as filler.
- then more hating on Facebook
- then some hating on Kai because he's "sixteen and still can't clean up after himself", then she nearly has a melt down because he's spat in the sink.
- "Jess has learned that forgiving is both one of the hardest lessons in life and one of the most valuable."
- the reader finds out that Jess is a nurse, an artist, and a runner. She has salmon and salad for dinner and time to spare before work
- later there's some hating on PJs her mom sent her because they're likely from Walmart

I'm going to stop here because I'm sure you're getting the idea. Essentially, when the reader first meets Jess, her biggest problem in life is that she's better than everyone else.

The real problem is that Jess is intrigued enough by a stranger she's met on Facebook, that she's taken it a step farther and gone to Tunisia to see if the relationship is as real in person as it seems online. The story caught my attention when she actually arrived in Tunisia, so I recommend starting there.

Voice/Writing Style
It took me a bit to get used to your writing style. Third person, present tense is not something I've come across before. But it adds to the uniqueness of this piece, and you've definitely made it work for you.

I found the voice and light tone comfortable and appropriate for the genre.

The writing flowed well from scene to scene. I was easily able to follow along without feeling lost or confused. Also, your formatting choices made it easy to distinguish online conversations from the rest of the text.

Dialogue (I'm including the online conversations as dialogue):
Dialogue was well done. There's a good balance of dialogue to narrative. The words spoken felt natural. Each character had their own unique voice.

Plot/Conflict/Pacing:
This story ambles along at a slow but steady pace. Generally I'm not a fan of that, but I think it works just fine for the story because it adds to the ambiance you've created around Jess and Fedi's relationship.

For the most part, the internal and external conflict is good. I would like to see a bit more internal conflict from Fedi. You mention his initial reluctance to introduce Jess to his parents because she is not Muslim, but that seems to be his only internal conflict, plus nothing ever comes of it. Also, he wants to join in the revolution, and wants to be able to practice his religion in his way once he's in England, but just gives it up after the slightest bit of push-back from Jess.

As I stated earlier, I'm not convinced the story starts in the right place. I'm also unsure about the ending. But I thought the middle was well done.

I liked the idea of the Epilogue, but was surprised and disappointed by its contents. I fully expected Fedi to move to England after his Visa was approved. However, Jess had made such a big deal about falling in love with Tabarka, and about seeing herself living there, I expected that the couple would end up living there (after the revolution) building a new shared life, rather than just settling into Jess' old life (that she wasn't all that happy with anyway). Perhaps the epilogue could instead be something like Grandma coming to visit Tunisia for Christmas from America (gifting fuzzy pig slippers from Walmart to baby Kasserine)?


Character:
Your characters are fabulous! A few thoughts to develop them a bit more:

Jess:
After the first chapter, Jess' character starts to develop into a loveable neurotic at a crossroads. She's ready to embrace change to find something new and wonderful. There were a couple of characterization examples that didn't really add anything for me. For example, the thing about ordering all the free samples. Also, I expected more mileage out of the comfy PJs and fuzzy pig slippers. As is, they don't add much. However, you could use them instead as a metaphor. If Jess were to defend them rather than be embarrassed about them, I'd have had more confidence in her as a character. The metaphor would be 'they're comfy and I like them, what does it matter where they come from, or what anyone else things about them' which would set up her bringing Fedi into her life - 'she loves him and he's good for her, why does it matter where he comes from or how she met him?'

Fedi:
I was so in love with Fedi, but I think the relationship with him was too easy. I would have liked to see more internal conflict from him. Also, I would have liked to see him put up more of a fight for what's important to him.

Paul:
I would have liked to see Paul try harder to be a contender. Jess ending up with Fedi would have been even more satisfying if the question of Paul had been a bit muddier.

Setting:
The setting is fabulous. I've never been to any of the locations in your story, but you gave me enough to understand the flavour of each place without overwhelming me with description. Great job here.

Hope there's something in here useful to you. Best of luck with this story.

Marcie

A RWCG review.

I started at chapter 6 (as had already commented on the previous chapters) and read to the end of chapter seventeen.

1) Pitch: The short pitch works for me, you sum up the feeling of spontaneity with which Jess goes to Tunisia. The long pitch may be a little too long.

2) Plot & Pacing: I like the way you tell the story of Jess and Fedi alongside that of Fawn and Bilbil. As a reader I want to caution both of them, can see how both women are swept up in their individual romances and whilst you feel Jess is allowing her relationship with Fedi to rush along you can understand why. The relationship between Jess and Fedi feels real and genuine to Jess but the other appears to be the typical young man from another country happy to seduce and marry a resident of another to get his immigration rights. I like that I am constantly comparing them both and the parallels in them. I can't help but wonder whether any of them will have a happy ending. The fact that I'm half way through the story and there has been a wedding makes me think something is about to start going wrong. You do create details in the story, which can slow a pace, but does make the story you draw and its setting feel more real.

4) Spelling/Grammar: I had no particular issues with this area. There are some minor typos, such as in chapter 11 when Nancy and Jess are in Mr Johnstone's room Nancy says, 'your father should be here soon Alf.' But it is his son they should be expecting. When leaving work the time is noted and there is a mixture of lower and upper case in the time.

5) Dialogue: I had no issues following any of the dialogue. There are some cases of French mixed in with the English and they are my only qualm. I think it must be difficult to know how to approach this - there are other languages spoken in the story but if you use them your English speaking audience won't understand the dialogue, yet if you omit them does it remove authenticity? So, I can understand why you have chosen to mingle a little of the French in but not to a degree that it becomes difficult to comprehend.

6) Voice/Style: Written in 3rd person and from the POV of Jess, you stay well within her POV and even though this is not in 1st person you were very strongly in Jess' head.

You already know that I enjoy this story and have your book on my shelf. I like Jess, the concepts and people in the story and want to know how things turn out for them. I'm becoming more intrigued about Nancy now as well and like the way you continue to build her involvement.

Hi Deborah,

I'm critiquing your book this week. Look for something by next Saturday at the latest.

I'm only 3/4 the way through the first chapter, but I can already tell you that Jess is a Mary Sue. Have you done that on purpose? If so, consider subtly pointing that out to the reader so your story isn't dismissed outright by an agent or editor. Much more detailed critique to come later.

Hope you have a great week.

Marcie

I like this. I like your insightful comments about Facebook - oh, yes, she'd been on it just for a minute... When I pick up a book I always read the first couple of paragraphs to see what the quality of the writing is like, because that's what will justify me putting in the time to read it. Well, I loved your second paragraph - the part about grey spots needing to be filled with nonsense. It's the kind of insightful, elegant writing that I enjoy reading. And there was just the ring of truth about this - the Facebook addiction and the friendship between the two friends. I like it. My only reservation is it may get tedious reading a whole book full of Facebook chats, but then again, maybe they are the modern day epistolary novel?

Firstly I liked the lay-out you used to detail online dialog. It brought to life how millions of us world-wide socialise through facebook. How we meet new people and maintain contact with our friends.
Jess is easy to relate to and everyone of us has a little of Jess personailty within us when on facebook. I have onlt read the first two chapters, but I like the style you write in and will come back at a later date to read through somemore. Well done:)

Your opening lines will be embarrassing to many people on Authonomy, & Facebook, who obviously spend half their waking lives online chatting, rather than actually living.
For me, this is an amusing insight into the feminine mystique for guys who are too obsessed in their masculine worlds to be aware that women often view the world from a totally different perspective.
It’s the first chick-lit I’ve ever read. I tend to be rather traditional in my writing & reading so it’s good for me to be subjected to a different usage of language. I’m usually too embroiled in life’s toil & trouble to find time for a bit of froth & bubble, apart from the liquid variety, so thanks for the gust of fresh air.
Your first chapter drove me nuts with its strange juxtaposition of tense & narration. Sometimes the narrator is narrating about Jess, then the narrator is giving his/her own opinion, then its back to what the narrator tells us Jess is thinking. I think this could be a lot simpler/cleaner if it was put into either the first person or the third person i.e. tell it straight from Jess’s viewpoint in her own words, or tell it from the narrator’s viewpoint in his/her words. At present it wobbles about in a way I find very aggravating.
I would have written the opening as either:
– A. Narrator’s viewpoint:
She should be just checking her emails, doing the online banking, that
sort of thing. Not going on Facebook; that silly time-wasting excuse
for procrastination. Jess has registered that there are certain people who always seem to be there, no matter what time of day. They update their statuses with things like ‘There, finished the washing up, now for a cup of tea.’ Who is to believe they actually found the time to do the washing up in the first place when they are always on Facebook?
Anyway, there are grey spots in all of our lives; little moments in a day that need to be filled with nonsense, or bigger spaces in a lifetime that need to be enraptured by
something that shakes us, spurs us on to something better. Better than this. So, who is Jess to judge someone who believes it is possible to combat the interminable monotony of everyday life by frittering time away on Facebook?
It’s certainly true that life is full of surprises. And it is possible that even a little thing like Facebook can change a person’s life. For instance, Jess has reunited with her old school friend, Fawn, whom she hasn’t seen in over twenty years. And she doesn’t know it yet, but Facebook is the very thing that’s about to change her life beyond anything she’d ever imagined.
The little blue chat box on her Facebook page pops to tell her Fawn is chatting to her. Jess puts her Linda Barker designer coffee mug on the drinks coaster and clicks on the box to read:

OR
- B. Jess’ viewpoint:

I should be checking my emails, doing the online banking, that sort of thing. Why am I going onto Facebook? I know it’s a silly time-wasting excuse for procrastination.
God, some of the people on FB obviously don’t even have real lives. They’re always there, no matter what time of day. They update their statuses with things like ‘There, finished the washing up, now for a cup of tea.’
How do they find the time to do the washing up in the first place when they’re always on Facebook? Let alone eat, sleep, brush their teeth, do some shopping and achieve something tangible in the non-electronic world.
The thought makes me feel uneasy about myself because I know there are grey spots in all of our lives; little moments in a day that need to be filled with nonsense, or bigger spaces in a lifetime that need to be enraptured by something that shakes us, spurs us on to something better. Better than this.
So who am I to judge if someone tries to overcome the interminable monotony of everyday life by frittering their time away on Facebook? God, I do it myself.
It’s certainly true that life is full of surprises, though. And it is possible that even a little thing like Facebook can change a person’s life.
For instance, I recently regained contact with Fawn. I hadn’t heard from her since school, twenty years ago. Now she’s in my little blue chat box. She not too bright but old friends are old friends, right? So I wonder what hare-brained scheme she’s into now and click on the box to read:

But, having said that, I realise there are readers who have totally different tastes to myself. And thank God for that.

This material is so far removed from what I usually read that I wonder if my comments have much validity. It certainly gives me some insight into the Facebook culture, & a glimpse into other lives & perspectives.

You should NOT fix the bad French, as one commentator suggested. If that’s how it was then that’s how you should describe it, with perhaps, an authorial aside making it clear that both characters were struggling with a language not their own. My own French was pathetic when I met my future wife, & I could barely relate to her family, who spoke no English. Fortunately her English bridged the gap, & my own French eventually reached a level where my in-laws accepted the fact that I seemed to be a decent guy. But they could never really be sure, because of my endless, minor, linguistic errors. We understood each other basically, & even achieved humorous subtlety on occasions, but there was always that linguistic barrier, the nuances, that made both parties wonder if they had really fully understood each other.
Leave the bad French as it is, because that’s how it plays in real life.
I hope you feel that I’ve done enough work here to repay your attention to my own work. If not I’ll work harder.
Regards,
Clive.

Thanks for this review, Catherine. I'll change Jess to Jessica in the short pitch even though I can't think why you would have assumed gay male in the first instance? Strange! There's only one George so I don't know why you mentioned that, unless I've somehow used the name somewhere else inadvertently? Hmmm have to look out for that. And the name Jed is only used in that one chapter, he does not become a subsidiary character, just someone from Nancy's past. But if it's a stumbling block it's easy to change. Truth indeed is stranger than fiction. Most of this is completely fiction, but it's based on my story of how I met my husband. We did meet each other that quickly. And I think the conversations she has with her friends, the way she admits it's nuts but that she just wants an excuse to get away from the stress works ok. And my hubby and I spoke only a bad pidgin form of French when we first met too so I think that's probably how the bad French crept in. I'll fix that, too!
Thank you for the help and the nice comments as well as the helpful ones! OH, and PS: Margaret Atwood uses present tense, which is where I got the idea for because I love it and lots of people have told me they do too!

Love the cover. The title is a bit of a mouthful, but also a bit different, so that's good. Short pitch is fine. Long pitch has problems because 'Jess' could be either male or female. I assumed gay male ('Maybe I'll end up with Paul after all') because the only person I know called Jess IS male. (First sentence of chapter one puts me right on this, but maybe there's a way to make it clear in the pitch.) Typo later on: do you mean 'reassembles' or (more likely) 'resembles'? I'd drop the bit about the 'profound and poignant ending'. Leave that to the reader to find out.

Chapter One. I hope this isn't going to be present tense throughout. There's a good reason why present tense books are never in the best sellers lists: they're dead easy to write, but surprisingly hard to read. Otherwise, the opening is fun and humorous. The stuff about Kai and George that follows is a bit too long to be in a first chapter. You can drip feed this in as you go along.

If you're going to use French, use it consistently. The initial message from Fedi addresses her as both 'vous' and 'tu' ('vous parlez... ton amie...). And even allowing for the typical typos that occur in facebook messages, I think he'd have written 'Ca va?' not 'Ca vas?' (it needs to be a third person construction).

I like the way Jess loses all sense of time when she's doing her art. This is entirely authentic. I was painting yesterday, honestly thought it was for only half an hour, but it turned out to be three hours. Even forgot to have lunch. It happens.

Chapter two: If your main character is called Jess, I wouldn't have a subsidiary character called Jed. Too similar in sound. And on the subject of names: don't have someone else called 'George' if you can possibly help it. Of course in real life there are plenty of people called George, but in your novel it's best to stick to one person per name. Watch out for stray apostrophes ('two little granddaughters' shouldn't have one).

All the stuff on the psych ward feels authentic enough; the banter between the nurses and the emphasis on bodily functions needing to be sorted rings true. Perhaps there's a little too much though? It doesn't feel like it's moving the plot on.

There needs to be more explanation as to why Fawn can't leave Jennifer, ie why she can't get a period of respite care.

I don't believe that Jess would be thinking of meeting Fedi after such a short time. I think you need to show the passing of several weeks, at the very least.

Okay, I know this is chicklit and the plot needs to move on and keep entertaining, but it still needs to have its feet on the ground. With a few minor tweaks, I think it could. I like the short choppy sentences and the lightness of touch of much of the writing. Very appealing. Jess is totally imbecilic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

A good fun read, even if not exactly my cup of tea.

Love the cover. The title is a bit of a mouthful, but also a bit different, so that's good. Short pitch is fine. Long pitch has problems because 'Jess' could be either male or female. I assumed gay male ('Maybe I'll end up with Paul after all') because the only person I know called Jess IS male. (First sentence of chapter one puts me right on this, but maybe there's a way to make it clear in the pitch.) Typo later on: do you mean 'reassembles' or (more likely) 'resembles'? I'd drop the bit about the 'profound and poignant ending'. Leave that to the reader to find out.

Chapter One. I hope this isn't going to be present tense throughout. There's a good reason why present tense books are never in the best sellers lists: they're dead easy to write, but surprisingly hard to read. Otherwise, the opening is fun and humorous. The stuff about Kai and George that follows is a bit too long to be in a first chapter. You can drip feed this in as you go along.

If you're going to use French, use it consistently. The initial message from Fedi addresses her as both 'vous' and 'tu' ('vous parlez... ton amie...). And even allowing for the typical typos that occur in facebook messages, I think he'd have written 'Ca va?' not 'Ca vas?' (it needs to be a third person construction).

I like the way Jess loses all sense of time when she's doing her art. This is entirely authentic. I was painting yesterday, honestly thought it was for only half an hour, but it turned out to be three hours. Even forgot to have lunch. It happens.

Chapter two: If your main character is called Jess, I wouldn't have a subsidiary character called Jed. Too similar in sound. And on the subject of names: don't have someone else called 'George' if you can possibly help it. Of course in real life there are plenty of people called George, but in your novel it's best to stick to one person per name. Watch out for stray apostrophes ('two little granddaughters' shouldn't have one).

All the stuff on the psych ward feels authentic enough; the banter between the nurses and the emphasis on bodily functions needing to be sorted rings true. Perhaps there's a little too much though? It doesn't feel like it's moving the plot on.

There needs to be more explanation as to why Fawn can't leave Jennifer, ie why she can't get a period of respite care.

I don't believe that Jess would be thinking of meeting Fedi after such a short time. I think you need to show the passing of several weeks, at the very least.

Okay, I know this is chicklit and the plot needs to move on and keep entertaining, but it still needs to have its feet on the ground. With a few minor tweaks, I think it could. I like the short choppy sentences and the lightness of touch of much of the writing. Very appealing. Jess is totally imbecilic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

A good fun read, even if not exactly my cup of tea.

Deborah, I have to admit that although I find romance interesting, chic-lit is not my thing. What is to follow is my sincere and good-intentioned opinion and please perceive it as this. Sincere but, nevertheless, only my opinion.

Reading part of your work has left me with mixed feelings. There were parts in your book that I absolutely loved (like chapter 2 and all about Kai's incident at chapter 10) and other parts that made me think that you just do injustice to yourself going the easy way. The premise of your story, the basic characters and the psychiatric ward are all great ideas, and the way you present them gives your story much potential. I loved Jess every time she decided to look a bit deeper into things, in a serious or humorous way, it doesn't matter. The thing is she has proved that she can do it and do it very well when she does! If only you gave a bit more space to that approach. In the same light, I think that dialogue is too much at parts, creating too much noise, and finally preventing me from identifying with Jess. I'd like to see more proze, more of how Jess feels, more of her thoughts, more of self-sarcasm perhaps.

I understand that every writer has a model in mind and specific intention, a "dream" of what they want their book to be. If your dream was just easy-read romance with a touch of comedy, then, well done, you've achieved more than that! But I still hope that you will envisage the fantastic prospect that you can give to your book if you decide to take it a bit deeper (not giving up the romance or the humor), and you will wish to give the world a better view of your doubtless talent.

Like I said, this is only my opinion, based on what I like to read. If you find something in my comment of help to you, I will be very glad. If not in accordance with your spirit, just ignore it.

In any case and despite my hope for it, it will be starred as an excellent job in the chic-lit genre.

Best of Luck,
Evangeline

Deborah, I am really enjoying this story. It's exceptionally easy to read and you have done an excellent job of using the third person but getting right into the head of the MC. I still think she might be mad about Fedi but glad she started to see through Paul. The ward where she works has so much sadness yet so much humour.

I loved the scenes with Lillian and Bossman at the party, the touch of the Hello Kitty apron and poor Sheepy.

I usually make notes about typos or sentences that don't flow just as well for me but have nothing to mention here.

Rated highly, on my watchlist for now and when I get a place on my shelf.

This is a bit different. Liked your comment on my thread and came to see what you had up. This is bang up to date and I like the choppy style - some narrative, those email exchanges, the domesic kak. And I love the view over to St. Michael's Mount too. Great immediate style, going to enjoy reading more of this, then get back to you.
Cariad.

I am so excited!! I have just read up to the end of para 1 , chapter 5 where Jess is taking in Tunisia in the back of a cab. So much of this book is so familiar, and I can't wait to read what happens next.
Lots of things made me laugh as I can 100% relate to them: The typical Arab red rose profile pic, the googling cheap flights and the excitement at landing somewhere, let say, exotic and wild. I have also cringed slightly in recognising other things : Bilbil (whose name by the way I know well as 'Bilbil' is also a songbird in Turkey and in the Balkans) and his sudden disappearance, and the excuse Fawn gives him - "he is probably gutted" - really?! I can't wait to read on about the cultural differences and of course, the coming sequence of events.
I feel our books may tackle alot of the same subjects but in extremely different ways. I fear mine may seem to drone on at you as I can tell you're an incredibly positive and light hearted person.
As for grammar and spelling, I wouldn't be able to comment as mine is hideous.
Good job, I'm very happy to back this with 6 stars. Now I will read on....
Alexia
Confessions of a Dervish.

what a funny read. Love Jess and Fedi. The idea that Jess is falling for someone online and to add two things two that: he is waaaay younger and doesn't live on the same continent as her. I love the voice and tone; I always know something funny is about to come up.And you writing out their chat just comes across as a superb idea. It makes the read go faster and the flow is just simply amazing. I didn't have any hold backs. The beginning question about cybersex was just a fantastic hook. It was probably the funniest part of the chapter, too. It's funny how Jess was thinking was Fedi serious but she actually wants it. LOL. 6 stars.

I really like the style of this, maybe its the use of tense. We're in Jess' head but also she is narrated (does that make sense?) which makes it have a lighter feel. Mature chicklit, enjoyable, fun and different.

Love the cover too. Personally I'd move the short pitch into the long pitch and have a more snappy one liner to open. Remember, it's all people see in the "pitch me" section.

title and pitch caught my eye, i use a similar 'update' technique with my novel (albeit Twitter feeds). This character sounds like a total head case -- if she w2ants to book herself into a mental asylum, how on earth can she make a choice about sexual relationships? this captures the attention of the reader...and possibly sectioned sexual predators...

I suppose it’s okay to admit that I was initially attracted to the book Facebook, Borders and Sacrificial Sheep because of the funny fat sheep on the cover. But I’m so glad I decided to stop in for a read. The story crafted by author Deborah Aldrich Farhi is just as wacky as the cover.

The book does something I didn’t think was possible, it actually makes chick-lit fun to read for me. Jess Woods is an unforgettable character. She is quirky but also very believable, the type of person who really stands out in your mind, and who we always wish the best. Her romance blooming in Tunisia, how it comes about and what she will do about it, is part of the excellent narrative. I kept wondering what Jess would do next, and often times, I was completely wrong. She’s not really a character you can predict.

Facebook, Borders and Sacrificial Sheep does not follow the chick lit mold. But I think that is a great thing for the genre. When published, it will be like a breath of fresh air, blowing out the cobwebs of formulaic romance that have accumulated there like piles of fading old lace. Oh, and the sheep is really cool too.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

a fun subject to write about. i only ever read the first chapter to get a feel of the story and where it might be going and your story offered me a lot of possible out comes and i will read more.

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: An engaging start. A fiesty, fascinating main character. Good deep point of view. Clever wit. Good descriptions. Not much tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Step sister' is one word.
2) ' ... of, alright, nearly 40 years old.' Spell out numbers 1-99.
3) Capitalize 'internet.'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "Make me one", she says... Comma goes inside the closing quote mark.
2) "I'm your boss you have to respect me" Insert a period after 'me.'
3) 'I swear her arms are 20 feet long.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more numbers that should be spelled out.
4) "Er .. ah .. Nanc, I hate to tell you this ... " When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using fewer dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with two dots. You don't want that.
5) 'Jess feels disappointed.' Try to avoid using the word 'feel.' Just describe Jess' disappointment so vividly the reader will experience it along with Jess. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
6) Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you reshuffle your bookshelf at the end of the month?

Have a splendid day.

Al

Hi Deborah,

I think your book might have the most bonkers title I've yet seen here. It really grabbed my attention, so I popped in to have a good read + leave a comment. ;)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track.

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Immediate start. I find myself wondering at once what her friend’s doing up so late + what question she'll ask. Oh ... I didn't expect the cybersex question. I almost laughed aloud when I read that. A fun conversation follows. Fawn seems v interested in the guy's ... sweetness ;). Hmm I'm not sure this'll work out well, though. I've seen a lot of long-distance relationships fail. Can they really make it work? Will ahem "connecting" over a webcam really be enough? I doubt it.

When Jess gets to her email, I really did laugh at the spam. Subtle stuff, isn't it? I wonder how they come up with it all. (By the way, did you hear about the gang that stole a truckload of Viagra? No? Police said they're looking for a bunch of hardened criminals ;)).

Looks like she's getting sick of Kai's laziness. Ah maybe she's been going too easy on him since the divorce. That news came as a shock. I feel sorry for both her and her son now. That sort of event must be devastating. She still seems pissed off at her ex. But I think most of the pain's faded by now, and what's left is more of a knee-jerk reaction.

I can't believe she feels guilty because of Kai's behaviour. He's old enough to have a mind of his own by now. Guilt and insecurity are weird things, aren't they? I'm hoping she'll get over those feelings soon and start kicking his ass when he's a pain. ;)
Hmmm odd friend request just as she's leaving. Fedi, a friend of a friend. Looks like she relishes the chance to practice her French, so in a "what the hell" moment, she accepts. Wow he replies quickly, though. Almost at stalker speed. Personally, I'd find that a bit worrying, but she loses track of time talking to him. She must like him.

She seems pretty carefree as she goes through her daily life, until she gets to her calendar. The reminder of her dad's death really takes the air out of her sails :(. No surprise. She obviously really loved him.

Ah then she gets chatting to Fawn again. Good stuff. She's getting a webcam after all. The mind shudders at what she'll get up to. I bet the young African guy doesn't know what he's letting himself in for ;).

Chapter 2: Wow Jess and Nancy have an abrasive relationship. I’m not sure if that's part of their regular banter, or if they irritate the hell out of each other. Either way, it makes for fun reading ;).

Ah we finally learn which guy Jess has been obsessed about for ages. Paul. A guy that used to work there. Seems like he was giving her mixed messages she just couldn't figure out, though :(. I wonder why it took her so long to get over him. He never really seemed like he'd leave his partner. Weird.

Funny that Nancy seems to be hung up on a similar guy, yet doesn't see the irony. Ewww I can't believe she posted dog shit to him. That's nasty :(. I really hope she didn't lick the envelope to seal it. ;)

The door jamming incident made me laugh, as did bitchy Brenda's and the new kid's reactions. Wow the job's a lot harsher than I expected, though. It makes a powerful contrast to the relaxed writing style so far. I can't ever imagine wanting to that job. It's a difficult and thankless task. Those people deserve medals for everything they have to go through! By the end of the working day, I’m almost as exhausted as Jess must be!

I can see now why talking on facebook would be such a release for her. She really seems to enjoy chatting to the Tunisian guy. I'm guessing the fantasy of leaving her crappy job for sun and fun and a younger guy really appeals at times like this. ;)

Wow, when Jess talks with Fawn it looks like she really is falling for Fedi, though. Is the fantasy becoming reality? Yup, looks like she's soon considering going out there to meet him. Shock news.

In v short order, it's all agreed with Fedi and she's booking her flight. She must have a really adventurous spirit. I wonder is Fedi really Ok with the no sex agreement? Hmmm. By the end of the chapter, I wonder what her future will hold...

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have written a great story here, filled with fun. Your writing style’s v relaxed and conversational, cracking along at a great pace. Jess is a character who’s obviously endured sorrow in the past, and yet she’s filled with attitude. I can see women wanting to follow her (mis)adventures ;).

The story itself should chime v well with anybody who’s bored or disaffected. Who doesn’t want to escape from time to time? The fantasy Fedi offers is v tempting, and yet … there’s an undercurrent of danger. This is such a big leap into the unknown for Jess. Will she be safe? The reader almost has to read on to find out. ;)

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed. I think this should prove v popular with your audience. :)

Best of luck,

Pete x

Oh, I forgot. I almost fell off my chair when you said Penzance was beautiful. Luckily I read on and you qualified the statement very well by mentioning what you have to look past. That made me laugh. You should try for more of that.

Mousehole, on the other hand... that is a stunner of a village.

I got a little lost during the opening FaceBook conversation, just due to it not mentioning Jess or Fawn for quite a while, so I lost track of who was who.

I'm sure there is a big market for this Chick-Lit. Are you plugging this for a film? I ask because you have used third-person present tense (or Historical present if you prefer to call it that). I always feel like I am reading a screenplay when I see this tense. It isn't a very common choice and does have associated risks, but good on you for going down this road.

Unlike a few other commenters, I don't think this is an original or unique plot. That isn't to say that I have read a similar plot, rather, that I have known people in a similar situation/relationship. The potential market is there.

Not my thing, but potential for the Chick-Lit market. Best of luck.
Starred.

Greg Scowen
The Spanish Helmet

Deborah - the return read I promised and apologies it took so long. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

Rather unique opening - Authonomy has a few but this is up there. Have to say mentally I headed for - you've got mail - albeit here with an adult category. As this develops, for me you send a strong signal juxtaposing the open shallowness of the modern internet with the suppressed feelings of the old world. This is a strong focus on Jess as the main character and I felt works well. You've built her slowly and injected humour. The ending of Chapter 1 appears spot on - shallow and yet, something vaguely missing.

You've not included this as chick lit yet thats where it seems it should be. Forget typos and grammar; there's a voice coming through but doubts at this stage would be in where the story takes us - but so far I'm with it.

Chapter 2 heads off straight into chick lit. It's readable but you've chosen a scenario here with huge potential - a psychiatric ward and later as we venture into that it becomes an excellent read. You slip back into the internet message exchange at the end and I felt cheated - I wanted more. My own imagination was running strong with the potential for amusing scenes.

Chapter 3 and its back to straight chick lit but with a subtle sarcasm. The lobster, skunks, and then47 llamas. From that you drop us back into the straight chicklit cybersex/messaging. Neat at first but becoming as stale as the subject in reality.

Deborah - I like the book overall but would suggest you've leaned to far towards the chicklit genre and could work on the humour. Your style isn't punchy and rib chuckling but some good smiles there. The psychiatric ward offers huge potential but even on the internet messaging you add the odd twist. The story itself can be unchanged just a slight change in balance, and the subtle humour where you add it in works well. So push that side more. Best. Steve.

this is great. a bit outside of our comfort zone (Actually way out - chick lit lol) but enjoyed all the same. the fb chat is funny and realistic, i can imagine chatting like that with a mate (if i was a bird that is lol) so it comes across as genuine. i'd have liked a bit more of a cliff hanger at the end of chapter 1 to suck me in, but tbh it was tied off nicely. has encouraged me to read futher! Stu

Hillarious! Lifes mundaness, perfectness and oddities captured!

You have an interesting blurb and the opening is really funny! Well done. I'm backing. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

Like the catchy synopsis. Looking forward to reading it over next few days. Rosemarie (Heroscope)

I love this - very original and humorous! Easy to shelve thgis one!

Liz
The Cheech Room

You have a good and clever story here. I hope my comments help

For me, your dialog is stronger than your descriptive prose and I sometimes got a little lost in the middle of your sentences. If no-one else is having that problem then it may just be me. But I would recommend that when you rewrite you focus on your strength and try to pare the descriptive elements down. You want your readers to be drawn into your story, not struggling to reach the end of a difficult sentence, and it would increase the pace. Which I think is a good thing.

One other thing. I guess the definitions are fluid but I think of cybersex as a text-based activity. What your characters are discussing is what I would call cam-sex. Or so I'm told :)

A shrewd choice to pick social networking as the basis of a plot about love and it's distancing effects. There are many parallels to consider which you build up nicely in the opening chapters. The Facebook-style dialogue is convincing and real which adds to the feel of the narrative. I particularly liked the 'setting' in the opening chapter with the effective descriptions of Penzance. I think you can afford to have a play with your pitch - as it is ostensibly a book surrounding social networking you could use the short pitch as a Facebook update, even using the longer pitch as a "profile" about the book. There are lots of creative ways to have fun with it, which in turn would help create a solid foundation by which to market it. I like what I have read so far (be careful mind not to concentrate too much on the coffee!) and I wish you all the very best of luck.

very interesting... fascinating story and setting; the online conversations work well and gives something extra to your book; l shall back it...
read SEASONS....

Read it, liked it, will back it. Marj.

Hi. Only had time to browse through, enough to like and back it. As soon as I have more
time I shall comment more. Could you specify which chapter(s) would you like me to comment?
Meantime, please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN.
Dan

Refreshing twist on the romance theme. It breaks with the Romance convention by acknowledging women’s sexual desires without consideration of whether satisfying them will end up with “I do” an “happily thereafter.” Chick lit on Viagra.
Added to my watch list for future consideration of an open spot in my shelf.




A.P. Constantin
The Crystal Butterfly Club

Deborah,
I commented on Facebook, Borders and Sacrificial Sheep 86 days ago and came back today to rate it with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

A current and relevant storyline for the Facebook age.

I noticed a few punctuation and grammar glitches in the first chapter which you may want to have a look at.

The style of the novel is immediately arresting, but as I read more I felt that there was quite a lot of tell as opposed to show and in places this made me feel somewhat divorced from the action, which was a shame.

Given its immediate relevance, I would think that this book has a good deal of potential.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

This is a thoroughly NOW book. congrats. I like the contrast between the online chat and the text as a structure. Starred you. Lara
Good for Him

Hmm. This is interesting. While I think some tightening up is in order, I think you have a good start.