Book Jacket

 

rank 2419
word count 47358
date submitted 27.09.2010
date updated 27.09.2010
genres: Science Fiction
classification: universal
incomplete

Galaxy Spanner

Toby Milton

In the 24th century, Earth dispatches a ship built inside an asteroid to discover the fate of human colonies established two centuries earlier.

 

In the 22nd century, in a time of climatic and economic chaos, Earth's mega-corporations funded asteroid colony ships and sent them to distant solar systems to establish new colonies. In the 24th century, after a century and more of global war and recovery, a call for help is heard from one of them, the first news Earth has had since the colony ships left. Earthgov decides to find out what has happened to some of the colonies. The last remaining asteroid ship is fitted out, and sent on a thousand year mission. No one knows what is out there, and the only thing the commander and crew can be certain of is that space is vast, dangerous, and more mysterious than can be imagined.

 
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JP Behrens wrote 452 days ago

The structure of the first chapter is interesting. I'm not a fan, but I will say it provides a frenetic pace that I can't honestly think of a better way of doing. It also has a wonderful cinematic feel to it.

The story never really pulls me in. I'm a fan of sci-fi, but this just didn't do it for me. There is a lot of great lines and description. The world you built is extremely well-thought out from what I read, but it's just not my thing.

Good luck with this. It definitely deserves attention.

Andre Chatvick wrote 569 days ago

I am beginning to wonder about the question marks too. I spent quite a bit of time moving them to the end of sentences because they didn't look right at the end of speeches. Now I'll probably have to move them back.

The work hasn't been subject to intensive editing, and it is fairly raw as a result, hence the long sentences - a legacy of working in the public sector. I am surprised the jokes about Auckland didn't immediately make it obvious I live in Wellington; although I did a stint with the Auckland City Council, and know the city quite well.

Thanks for the feedback.

I enjoyed reading about Rotorua...and the fact you know its in 'the' North Island points me where you're probably from.
I liked the structure of the first chapter - small sections from different places.
I think you need to cut down your sentences, they get a bit long and sonorous, and get rid of some of the adjectives. Also there are a few cliches in your writing - why don't you find them all and replace them with some new phrase, new like your world.
Also I think you might have a problem with the placement of '?' in your questions.
Good luck.

jennimorti wrote 569 days ago

I enjoyed reading about Rotorua...and the fact you know its in 'the' North Island points me where you're probably from.
I liked the structure of the first chapter - small sections from different places.
I think you need to cut down your sentences, they get a bit long and sonorous, and get rid of some of the adjectives. Also there are a few cliches in your writing - why don't you find them all and replace them with some new phrase, new like your world.
Also I think you might have a problem with the placement of '?' in your questions.
Good luck.

Andre Chatvick wrote 571 days ago

Hi there

The 'wow' reference is deliberate. There are a lot of other subtle and no-so-subtle jokes woven into the text as well.

I want to know what happens on the colony planet too. I haven't figured it out yet.

Regards

I like the 'Wow' reference, I take it that is that deliberate?

I found the text a bit dry in places, can't quite put my finger on it but I did like the bit in Beijing crater.

Very little I would change, I would say 'the' instead of 'a' African American in Chapter 1.

I really want to know what the asteroid ship finds once it reaches the colony.

I'm not backing at the moment as I have 5 books I want to keep on the shelf but I have stared it. As you say it is work in progress and best waiting before getting a review.

Tom B wrote 571 days ago

I like the 'Wow' reference, I take it that is that deliberate?

I found the text a bit dry in places, can't quite put my finger on it but I did like the bit in Beijing crater.

Very little I would change, I would say 'the' instead of 'a' African American in Chapter 1.

I really want to know what the asteroid ship finds once it reaches the colony.

I'm not backing at the moment as I have 5 books I want to keep on the shelf but I have stared it. As you say it is work in progress and best waiting before getting a review.

SRFire wrote 580 days ago

I don't read many sci-fi's, but I certainly enjoyed this one. Good, clean writing. I wish you every success with it, Sana x

Owen Quinn wrote 595 days ago

Great imagination, clever story populated with good characters and an intriguing central mystery, backed

Jaye Hill wrote 600 days ago

Great atmospheric start, the dust cloud, the strange message received from Centaurus, the Beijing crater, the funeral, all oozing credibility. The characters are well drawn, the dialoague, ( for example between the scientists discussing the message) is authentic, the scientific jargon convincing but not laid on with a trowel, so all in all a great read. There seemed to be too much about the political ramifications of the affair but I daresay this is relevant to for the plot later on. Look forward to seeing the whole thing Backed Jaye

Sarah King wrote 602 days ago

This is very accomplished writing indeed. Perhaps your best strength is your skillful ability to 'paint' a scene in the readers mind with vivid imagery and description. Your characters are rounded and instantly seem real. I could see this book as a film. It is almost as though I am watching it on a screen when I am reading it.

I do not have too many suggestions for improvement. The ones I do have are minor and easily dismissed. I would do away with some of the 'hads' that I feel you over use in the opening section. I am not sure whether it could be structured differently to make it easier to follow. It is compelling, yet complicated. A nice mix really, but one which I feel could be slightly improved by a restructuring. Maybe even opening with the scene at the funeral? Anyway these are my subjective opinions as an unpublished author. Good luck with this. It deserves to do well. Sarah, Regression.

Walden Carrington wrote 602 days ago

Toby,
Galaxy Spanner is a one of a kind science fiction novel. The synopsis is filled with intrigue and I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with pleasure.

Andre Chatvick wrote 604 days ago

Thanks for the support. I now have to do some more writing on this project. I've loaded pretty much all there is at the moment. I'll load some more as soon as I can.


I realy enjoyed this sci fi. Please put more chapters on. Thanks

brainy wrote 604 days ago

I realy enjoyed this sci fi. Please put more chapters on. Thanks

name falied moderation wrote 604 days ago

Dear Toby

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Andre Chatvick wrote 604 days ago

Thanks for the feedback. The novel is very much work in progress, and your comments on how to improve it are gratefully received. One of the difficulties in a future setting is how to explore the emotional aftermath of events which are fictional. In this instance I have used the device of a war as a key definer of how cultures react to one another. As it has occurred in living memory animosities between the victors and the losers differ on whether the people are participants, or subsequent generations, who have a different point of view to their parents or grandparents. Anyway, I am taking your points on board, and will do what I can to improve the passages you have mentioned, and work on the draft.

Thanks again.

Toby
First I wish to convey the story here is very engaging. I am a big SciFi fan so it is with some depth of goodwill I give you praise for the strong characters and what I believe is a very strong storyline filled with great potential. The lost colonies has been done before but I think your complex build up of various gov and individual stories is going to come along nicely. This is a somewhat flawed piece of genius however. While I see your character diaglogues are deftly delivered(8 out of 10 on scale of 10), your descriptive (emotions/environment/character) pargraphs are falling a bit flat in their delivery. Nothing technically wrong, just not as interesting as the overall story. I suggest a bit more polishing on "intrigue and hook" approach or delivering the facts with some irony or dry humor. You really have a great story here but I just find some of the paragraphs not so strong or entertaining. Examples are: the paragraph where the President is discussing the Anubus and you describe the three types of emotions from the delegates, the descriptions of the Chinese crater town(several Paras) and the intro paragraph ended flat and too contrived...."but humans will come again". For a good author to read on how to deliver or craft various paragraphs that describe please read John Scalzi "Old Man's War" or his 2nd "The Ghost Brigades".

If you can , please read The Secret Snow and give comments or back ;)!

River Stone

River Stone wrote 604 days ago

Toby
First I wish to convey the story here is very engaging. I am a big SciFi fan so it is with some depth of goodwill I give you praise for the strong characters and what I believe is a very strong storyline filled with great potential. The lost colonies has been done before but I think your complex build up of various gov and individual stories is going to come along nicely. This is a somewhat flawed piece of genius however. While I see your character diaglogues are deftly delivered(8 out of 10 on scale of 10), your descriptive (emotions/environment/character) pargraphs are falling a bit flat in their delivery. Nothing technically wrong, just not as interesting as the overall story. I suggest a bit more polishing on "intrigue and hook" approach or delivering the facts with some irony or dry humor. You really have a great story here but I just find some of the paragraphs not so strong or entertaining. Examples are: the paragraph where the President is discussing the Anubus and you describe the three types of emotions from the delegates, the descriptions of the Chinese crater town(several Paras) and the intro paragraph ended flat and too contrived...."but humans will come again". For a good author to read on how to deliver or craft various paragraphs that describe please read John Scalzi "Old Man's War" or his 2nd "The Ghost Brigades".

If you can , please read The Secret Snow and give comments or back ;)!

River Stone

Andrew Burans wrote 605 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and your work is extremely character rich. Your use of imagery is excellent. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your science fiction adventure a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Jim Darcy wrote 605 days ago

This is a very good read and just as I got into it , it ran out! :( You build up your worlds very well but the detailed characters give it real life. You may want to reduce the size of your chapters and have much smaller chunks but otherwise I really enjoyed this.

fh wrote 605 days ago

GALAXY SPANNER,
Dear Toby,
This is a splendid sci fi novel. I particularly enjoyed the way you laid out the plan for where the action was happening at different places around the futuristic world.
Lots of detail that scifiers will enjoy. You cerainly have a great imagination and can write well. No real nits except that the chapters I read were a little wordy in paces. Nothing that an edit won't put right. A good read and well worth a backing.
When you have a moment I would be delighted if you would take a look at my book. Perhaps make comments and see whether it is worthy of a backing. Thanks and good luck on here.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS’ VILLAGE

SusieGulick wrote 605 days ago

Dear Toby, I love your 24th century & 1000 year mission :) - how so very futuristic. :) What a joy!! :) Your imagination & creativity is unique! :) Your pitch prepared me to read your adventurous story & your tight dialogue & paragraphs moved me right through your story. :) I like the idea of their going to help. :) Great write! :) Hope you write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

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