Faeyn

It only takes a paragraph or two of a book to realise you are reading something, which far surpasses anything you could write yourself (speaking of myself here.) This is fairly (or faely) brilliant.

You conjure the world of Faeyn (love the name) so well that I'm observing everything you describe in my minds eye. The only problem I had was at the start remembering the names, but it didn't take me long to fall into the rhythm of your prose.

This is an eloquent and elegant story. I like the world you have invented and I like the characters. I wish you every success with this.

All right, so I'm a terrible person. Not only have I failed to even thank everyone individually for their comments and backings, I have procrastinated reading those works I said I would.
I'm taking up this space to say THANK YOU. This site has an overwhelming number of people, and books, and etc. Please forgive me for not sending personal messages of gratitude. I am also a horrible networker, but I will attempt to do better in reading/commenting/backing.
If this apology is boring, I apologize again. You should read the one in my profile.

Also, if you want me to critique a chapter of your book and it has mature content, please send me the most PG chapter you have, and I will try to oblige.

People I am informing of new chapters:
Djinnia
Carmen Glade

It's official: this is my favorite book on authonomy (and in case you were wondering, I don't say that to everyone - or anyone else, for that matter). Your characters are complex and realistic, the artful insertion of subtle humor is brilliant, your prose is beautiful, and the plot is equally original and engaging! As far as I am concerned there is only one fatal flaw - you haven't uploaded all of it. And I'm positively DYING to know how it ends!!!

Very well written and with excellent characters, fully formed and 3 dimensional. Dialogue is excellent too, carrying the story along. A grown up story about Elves. Puts me in mind alittle of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norris from the other side, if you see what I mean?

Faeyn - The author has imbued her character, Kaslim, with a mixture of charming ennui and quiet sarcasm. However, his moral fortitude and carefree flouting of behaviour, considered to be normal within the society created, hints there is greater depth to his nature than is seen in the first four chapters read.
There are some lovely descriptions, particularly of Kaslim's affinity to water and his mastery over it, that sit well with the gentle voice of the piece. Dialogue, is in the main realistic. The settings are every bit as magical as one would expect and it is clear the author has constructed the world Kaslim, and his people inhabit, with a great deal of thought and care.
The main nitpick: Choosing names from Shakespeare's 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' was rather irritating. It also invites comparisons to the play and, for me, halted the flow. It is obvious the author has more than enough imagination to conjure something completely different although I rather liked the use of another name Puck is known by, Robin Goodfellow.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Faeyn is a delightfully imaginative account which shines from the author's brilliant imagination. Backed with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

You make some strong observations with eloquent description. The line 'Besides, his shoes were filthy' has a great wonder about it, despite being so very simple!

V,

I just read the first two chapters of FAEYN. By and large, the writing is excellent. You do a wonderful job of showing who the characters are by what they say and how they behave, rather than simply telling the reader a bunch of facts (e.g., Kaslim's comment about soiling his shoes on the human's "rags") (little did I know when I made this note that Kaslim's comment would come full circle; well done)

That said, I think there are a few sentences that could use some tweaking for readability.

For example, I don't understand how a lip would bleed from the effort associated with stifling one's voice.

Also, I think you need to take the phrase "Similarly, in appearance . . . ." and change it to "Similar in appearance, . . . ." In other words, lose the "ly" and move the comma. Now that I reached the end of the sentence I realize that you had it punctuated correctly the first time, but my mistake might show that the sentence is counter-intuitive to the way readers' brains work. In other words, the way you structured the sentence forces the reader to go back and start the sentence over again, so this sentence might be a bit too convoluted (at least for readers as dim as me). I recommend you break this sentence up into two sentences.

You could replace the phrase "the unbearable position of having little by way" with the word "want" or even "unbearable want." I don't think you would lose much of the character's voice with that edit and it would save several words.

"companions" seems like an odd word choice because he just came upon these three, right?

I don't read fantasy, so this observation may be off, but is it inconsistent to refer to the elves as "men"?

No need to tell us twice that the human boy had black hair over his face.

I think "faerie touched" should be hyphenated.

The sentence that begins "The thick woods . . ." was a little overwhelming for me. Perhaps you can delete the "for an aerial eye" part of the sentence along with the word "entire" and the phrase "a myriad of".

I like very much the line about the bay flicking its tail and snorting at things that itched and bit.

It seems to me that a request is "made" rather than "given".

I think you should remove the comma in the middle of the sentence "Drowning could be preferable . . . ."

I like Falada. I like the last line of Chapter 1.

In Chapter 2, the sentence "Caleir only noticed . . ." is a comma splice. Also, the "only" is misplaced. Technically, it should be after "noticed" but I think you should delete it outright. As it stands, it suggests Caleir only noticed, but did not breathe or move or think. You get my point.

I would invert the phrase "little more than a suggestions" with the phrase "very light magic".

Delete "that were" in the "He made it to his room . . . ." sentence. Delete the comma in the "He would need the boy's assistance . . . " sentence. (That's at least the second time you've placed a comma in a sentence like this, before an "if" as though you want the comma to create a pause, but that's not proper comma usage.)

I think you're missing a "had" in the "But Puck" sentence.

You misplaced "only" again. It should come after the "do so"

You've done a wonderful job in these first two chapters of building a world, developing a couple of characters, and creating intrigue re: the human, his origins, and the drama his presence will necessarily entail. Bravo.

Rob
(Aralen Dreams)

last line of 25 . . . awesome! i loved talamar's back story. it gave a lot of insight into his character; talk about noble predator.

you should think about having a map maybe. especially if there's a lot more territory you cover.

i liked the his "shadow walking". it's a cool concept. are they under the river/underground? just making sure i understood.

me

last line of 25 . . . awesome! i loved talamar's back story. it gave a lot of insight into his character; talk about noble predator.

you should think about having a map maybe. especially if there's a lot more territory you cover.

i liked the his "shadow walking". it's a cool concept. are they under the river/underground? just making sure i understood.

me

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLIFFHANGER!!!!! i was just getting to the good part! not that the action wasn't good, but really . . . just when talamar was about to . . . have a party? =:::(

awesome job!

a smart hp person should agent this and publish it!

me

ARGH!!! Cliffhanger!

Dear Vsuvi, great premise to a promising book. It was so believable, the way you write was with passion and poise. It was such a pleasure to read. The idea of an Elven alternative to another fantasy, has always been a big favourite of mine. There was a book called Lone Wolfe, where the Author mentions the possibility of Elves, as the Ancient enforcers of our world. Your work is worthy of that quote. Good luck and all the best with your book. Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Clarification! i am lost no more. but poor Rowan still is! =D

btw, you left your notes in the chapter again if you hadn't realized. =D it gave me a grin!

talamar is a very intriguing character. i'm drawn to him. is he going to become a major character?

me

Aargh! Stupid comments! I never even look at them anyway!

Clarification! i am lost no more. but poor Rowan still is! =D

btw, you left your notes in the chapter again if you hadn't realized. =D it gave me a grin!

talamar is a very intriguing character. i'm drawn to him. is he going to become a major character?

me

i got a little lost in the fairy knight bit and talamar guy. is he mentioned before? i probably missed his introduction early in the book. where is rowan then? that is the question, or did i miss that too? you left us with a neat cliffhanger.

ugh, i think it's too early in the morning to think! it's only turned 7:25 am now. but i have work soon so it was the only time to read this. i'll come back and read it later tonight.

me

awesome! i think it reads smoother. is it me or do you have more detail? i liked it a lot.

me

djinnia recommended that I take a look at this, and I can see why - an interesting take on the concept of humans blundering into the fairy realm. It's a bit slower-paced than I normally like - or maybe I shouldn't read when I'm tired. There's an infodump in the middle of the first chapter - three paragraphs about the forest and the different types of fairies - which I would try to work into the narrative in a more subtle way.

But anyway, this deserves some time on my shelf, and I'll come back to read more of it.

Steven J Pemberton / A Wizard's Daughter

This has a classic feel to it. Like a grown up Narnia crossed with a modern-day Shakespeare. It's a book for a cold rainy day, so I can light a fire and curl up with it. Pleased to grace my shelf with this.

An additional comment:

Chapter 15: Very good. I really loved the description of the sphinx, especially the way she appeared. There wasn't much I could find to improve in there, but you might want to take a look at these things:
1 - The conversation at the beginning seemed a bit fragmented, but this could be intentional and I hadn't read the previous chapter.
2 - In reference to the sketch, you may possibly want a bit more detail now that your cover for Vyranan has changed.
3 - At the end, is 'Because of it.' meant to be one sentence? It didn't quite seem to make sense.

As usual, some very stylish writing, and good luck.

Dagura

Although this draws heavily from Midsummer Night's Dream, it goes beyond the stereotypical to create a rich world that contains realistic characters and a complex story line.

I regret to say I've never read Midsummer Night's Dream - only some chunks of it. :D Though I have been told before that it's like it. I suppose I've drawn from works that are influenced by Midsummer Night's dream, or something...

Although this draws heavily from Midsummer Night's Dream, it goes beyond the stereotypical to create a rich world that contains realistic characters and a complex story line.

Fascinating. I never knew the elven world was complicated, so sophisticated. Quite creative, tightly written with nice pace and vivid imagery.

It only takes a paragraph or two of a book to realise you are reading something, which far surpasses anything you could write yourself (speaking of myself here.) This is fairly (or faely) brilliant.

You conjure the world of Faeyn (love the name) so well that I'm observing everything you describe in my minds eye. The only problem I had was at the start remembering the names, but it didn't take me long to fall into the rhythm of your prose.

This is an eloquent and elegant story. I like the world you have invented and I like the characters. I wish you every success with this.

very wide appealing story that can be enjoyed by adults and children alike

beside her(,) Captain leran ran steadily

i like the contemplative feel of this chapter.

the only thing is that there isn't a lot of mention of background scenery. is it full forest thick with trees or the outskirts of one where they are thinned out? what kind of trees? evergreen or leaf, oak? pine? rowan? beech? birch? poplar? elm? are they as big as redwoods or thin as poles? is it stormy, cloudy or clear? does the sun dapple shadows over the ground as kaslim and caleir rest watching the squirrel? is there a sweet or tangy scent to the air (from plant rot or sap)? what kind of animal sounds or just sounds in general? birds? beasts? creaking branches? shivering leaves? crunch of twigs and dry ground? squishy mud? are there rocky outcrops or flat ground?

one other question, those little people that helped kaslim, do they have a specific habitat?

i don't mean to be so witchy, but sometimes the environment plays a role in impeding or helping the mc and auxiliary characters. i think it hit me in this chapter was because it is such a contemplative one where the characters are resting and thinking in one place in parts. this would be the time to add a little scenery painting.

anyways, one or two sentences here and there would paint a background that matches the awesomeness of your characters!

you can also tell me to shut up too. i won't mind i the least.

me

Thanks! I will do further editing. This is my major fault, I think. I don't stop and take a breath when I write. I have to go and edit that breath in later. This actual chapter was, in and of itself, a breath - most of it wasn't in the first draft. :) So it has the same problem amplified. I'll go edit... :D

beside her(,) Captain leran ran steadily

i like the contemplative feel of this chapter.

the only thing is that there isn't a lot of mention of background scenery. is it full forest thick with trees or the outskirts of one where they are thinned out? what kind of trees? evergreen or leaf, oak? pine? rowan? beech? birch? poplar? elm? are they as big as redwoods or thin as poles? is it stormy, cloudy or clear? does the sun dapple shadows over the ground as kaslim and caleir rest watching the squirrel? is there a sweet or tangy scent to the air (from plant rot or sap)? what kind of animal sounds or just sounds in general? birds? beasts? creaking branches? shivering leaves? crunch of twigs and dry ground? squishy mud? are there rocky outcrops or flat ground?

one other question, those little people that helped kaslim, do they have a specific habitat?

i don't mean to be so witchy, but sometimes the environment plays a role in impeding or helping the mc and auxiliary characters. i think it hit me in this chapter was because it is such a contemplative one where the characters are resting and thinking in one place in parts. this would be the time to add a little scenery painting.

anyways, one or two sentences here and there would paint a background that matches the awesomeness of your characters!

you can also tell me to shut up too. i won't mind i the least.

me

All right, so I'm a terrible person. Not only have I failed to even thank everyone individually for their comments and backings, I have procrastinated reading those works I said I would.
I'm taking up this space to say THANK YOU. This site has an overwhelming number of people, and books, and etc. Please forgive me for not sending personal messages of gratitude. I am also a horrible networker, but I will attempt to do better in reading/commenting/backing.
If this apology is boring, I apologize again. You should read the one in my profile.

Also, if you want me to critique a chapter of your book and it has mature content, please send me the most PG chapter you have, and I will try to oblige.

People I am informing of new chapters:
Djinnia
Carmen Glade

It's official: this is my favorite book on authonomy (and in case you were wondering, I don't say that to everyone - or anyone else, for that matter). Your characters are complex and realistic, the artful insertion of subtle humor is brilliant, your prose is beautiful, and the plot is equally original and engaging! As far as I am concerned there is only one fatal flaw - you haven't uploaded all of it. And I'm positively DYING to know how it ends!!!

Most stories involving elves tend to blend together in a sort decently entertaining but second rate LotR spin off, but you have created a very original world and completely new take on elves that is very intriguing. I've only read three chapters so far, but your story is very well written and your characters are complex and well formed, particularly Kaslim. I fully intend to keep reading and will comment more as I go, but I wanted to let you know that you have restored my faith in elven stories!

Hi I've read 2 more chapters, this is an enjoyable read and deserves to be backed.

14-18: does caleir have something going on? he is one of those characters that you don't know which way they'll go until the very end. well, except you know cuz your the craftmaster! =D hopefully, the guards find out the truth soon.

i can't find a fault with anything.

me

Excellent story - I especially like the weaving together of all the elven traditions. There is enough action from the start (in a laid back way) to make up for the amount of information you are having to dump on the reader.

I really enjoyed reading this and back it willingly - good luck!

It's been a while since I've read something that I would really love to curl up with. I think this is something that I could just sit and read all in once. Beautifully fantastic, with gorgeous descriptions, a carefully thought out world, and wonderful characters. This must - and will - be published. I really don't think you'll have any problems whatsoever, and I'll be the first to buy a copy!

Good luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth' / 'Thicker than Water'

Hi. Just read the first chapter. Its on my watch list and I intend to continue reading. You have created an intrguing world and the first chapter has drawn me in. I want to know more. Would appreciate your opinion on my book "The Feydom of Sencal".

FAEYN.
It was a long watch! Pending on my WL for long. Backed.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Nice start on this with some pretty nasty boys. Puts the kid in a bit of a fix, given the odd hospitality of these folks. I like it.

I'm backing it.

Give a look at Satan's Daughter Goes to Pittsburgh, if you like.

Gary

Great beginning with vivid descriptions, strong fully developed characters and dialogue that moves the story along. Backed, with pleasure.

Carol

A change of perspective is nice and this one is very adventurous. A good fantasy challenges the borders of what we call Fantasy, and you do it well. I see you too share my affinity for shaking up the perceptions of the fantasy races. Sometimes ideas need to be...altered, wouldn't you say? While some of the language is a bit haughty it gives a good insight to the culture that has become the downfall of your elves. I expect there the be a far reaching story in the background of this one, and by the way you write I would guess you know it well. I'll be reading more...good luck with your world.

Joshua Hernnadez
"The Blood of a Savage"
"Just Before Dawn"

you left your notes in chapter twelve. it makes me feel better i'm not the only one who puts notes in the middle of their work. =D

:D yikes - thank you!

you left your notes in chapter twelve. it makes me feel better i'm not the only one who puts notes in the middle of their work. =D

Enjoyable and easy to get right into, I like how you've created a world that feels, well, absolutely real.. good characters and a driving pace - Backed with pleasure
Diane
Good Blood

Hi Vsuvi,

I have to admit, this wouldn't be my kind of genre, yet I found myself reading it all the way through & really enjoying it. My only suggestion would be the start of Chpt 1 that you perhaps paint the scenery of this world you've created & the reader's imagination can follow suit.

Backed for it's wonderful attention to dialogue

Rob

GET LENIN

After reading Ch1, we’re wondering if Prince Kaslim has a shoe fetish! We enjoy your style of writing, and are happy to “BACK” you. Best Wishes.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Thanks :)
Kaslim is a fastidious idiot, as his servant tells him later on in the book, at a point where he thoroughly deserves it (sadly I haven't posted that part yet...working on editing...). :) But all the elven courtiers - all elves - are fastidious idiots to some degree. Kaslim happens to have some substance underneath appearances, but there's a definite blur between what he does to keep up appearances and what he does because of elven OCD. :)

great fantasy saga- brilliant names and setting all add to this story; this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

After reading Ch1, we’re wondering if Prince Kaslim has a shoe fetish! We enjoy your style of writing, and are happy to “BACK” you. Best Wishes.
CC Brown
Dark Side

This is not my normal genre, so I won't presume to critique this. :) I will tell you that I feel it is nicely written. Very descriptive and creative.

Backed with pleasure!

Cori
"Princess"

PS
I realize that my novel, "Princess", probably isn't your normal genre either... but if you could take a second to look at it, I would be most appreciative. :) Have a great week!

Wonderful book and very well written
Like your writing style and your book cover is terrific.
Can see it going a long way this book.

Kind regards,

Neville THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - THE TIME ZONE.

You have crafted a very believable world here with interesting characters. I am a lover of all that is fantasy and I immediately felt transported to your magical land. I am certain you will do well with this. The very best of luck to you. Backed with pleasure. Mariah

missing comma in chapter 3 after Bowing slightly, Calier said
I wouldn't use demurred as a dialogue tag either. keep it simple and stick to said or actions attributes.
missing another comma after "Raising his swords in sudden decision, Kaslim said
and "My princes?" the capatin asked, startled. should be on it's own line.
It seems Kaslim is a sore sport over losing the sparring match ;)
Missing a comma after: Frowning, the prince asked
I'm not big on sword fights in novels, but I still enjoyed reading yours. It didn't go on too long. You keep the focus on the story and the characters and not just like 'look it's a sword fight" (i see a lot of wanna be high fantasy writers make this mistake).

Anyway, I've enjoyed the 3 chapters I've read. Not much in the way of errors. Great story, great pace, great characters, great voice. You even know how to use ucntuation (most of the time :P)

I'm happy to back this. Good luck with it.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Chapter 2:

It's interesting how the human boy is regarded with disgust. I loved the line how him spelling like a human wasn't complimentary.
A nit for this chapter.
There is no need to call me that.--where you place the dialogue attribute in this is weak. Only move to the middle for effect (and here, IMO, it does not have a good effect)

I loved the banter between the king and kaslim. Especially this:
"I did come across..... "
"I imagine you came across rather forcefully"

I really love the way you end chapters. You kind of pull back. It's quiet, almost with a literary effect, but doesn't stop the reader from wanting to read on. I'm giving big compliments here, because, to be honest, I don't normally like books with elves and kings and high fantasy. However--your pitch had got my attention and I wanted to try something new. I'm really enjoying this so far. I'm going to read more.

Going to comment on each chapter as I go. I enjoyed chapter one. You might tighten up for pace, though this has a high fantasy feel, and tons of description and world building is usually expected in that genre, so feel free to disregard this idea. Tension is there from the start--as we wonder at why they are hurting the human boy, and why Kaslim is surprised by this behavior. What is even more engrossing, are these bits of quiet... (I'm gonna say sarcasm, but I'm not sure that's exactly the right word). You do it in such a way that it intrigues without being corny or overly humorous. A voice like that is hard to pinpoint, which would make me say it'd be hard to copy. You have a fresh and original voice, and the makings of a great story evident from the first chapter. That alone I think will help you stand above the rest in the slush pile. It's strong but still understated, which gives it a quiet confidence. Seems polished to, by way of punctuation and grammar and such. refreshing :)

Okay, onto read another chapter.

I'm no literary critic and won't try to be. In short - I read this and liked it. It's something I would buy if I found it on the shelves in Waterstones.

Backed - Glenn Johnstone (darkling Child)

Nice cover you came up with! ;) Keep it up! :)

A compelling story, and an intriguing development of the elf myth. I wish I could read more.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror