Thicker than Water

Hello Selena ' thicker than water'
i backed book of yours some months ago, and have no hesitation after reading some more in giving it six starts
it has to be one of the best fantasy book on the authonomy site.
it is captivating and most enjoyable and is a great page turner.
good luck .it deserves a higher ranking
tom bye ' from hugs to kisses'

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and your work is extremely character rich. Your use of imagery is excellent. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Selena,
I marvel at work in the fantasy genre and wonder how anyone comes up with these fantastic tales. Thicker than Water has a melodramatic plot which creates a riveting read. I love your richly detailed descriptions of the settings. They paint vivid images in the reader's imagination and one is easily lost in the luscious prose.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Right away you do a solid job of introducing the setting, creating this world with your words. The storm overhead adds a nice touch, threatening to destroy the perfect weather on Heyday. It creates a bit of an ominous feel to it, too, as the bard recites his story. It makes me think something sinister may be at work; I hope I'm right.

With the exception of the opening paragraphs, you do a great job of developing your world and story through the advancement of the plot rather than info-dumping, which is a difficult task in fantasy. Nice work.

In all three perspectives you include some very strong characterization. I found it easy to relate to all of your characters right away. Though it's difficult to pull off this many perspective changes in an opening chapter, you do it effectively. My only advice would be to see if you can subtly and loosely begin to hint at how their stories might tie together.

Powerful stuff: "His father was speaking from the past; his mother had been dead two years past. Once his father died, Marc would be alone." Maybe to avoid the telling, you could write, "His father's words came from another time; his mother had died two years earlier. Once his father died, Marc would be alone."

Suggestions: There is a lot of telling in this opening chapter. Look for the usage of "was" and try rewriting to avoid it. By showing rather than telling, you'll bring your reader into the story. I'd comb through this and see how many adverbs you can trim from it. Your writing is strong enough without them. Right now, they're slowing down the pace of your narrative. Though I don't mind the three perspectives, is there a way to cut some of the supporting cast? There are too many characters introduced in this opening chapter to keep track of.

Typos: Careful with the sentence, "A white-haired main in a flowing cloak gestured wildly from behind it." The last "it" you referred to was Heyday, so you're technically saying he stood behind Heyday, but I believe you're intending to refer to the tree. "One-roomed" should be hyphenated since it is two words serving as one adjective. Same with "wide-eyed."

This is a solid start to a fantasy novel. I'm curious to see how their stories tie together and what adventures await them in this wonderfully developed fantasy world. Good job!

Selena,

Sorry again for taking so long to get to this, I hope what I can offer makes up for the delay.

I like the imagery you form in the narrative, and had no problems in putting myself into your world. I feel it would benefit from a touch more description of the surroundings in each scene, but not too much extra. I also would like a bit more exposition, but then I can be a bit over-keen on exposition so...

Dialogue seems fine, it may need a light edit in places but only to smooth out the flow of it. Related character actions are a bit heavy on the adjectives, which is a shame because they're really not needed; your writing conveys them perfectly well through context.

It's an interesting approach introducing these three characters in sections as you have, but it works quite well. I like the idea that there seems to be three separate threads, all of which I assume will develop and converge later on in the story. What I would do is maybe swap the second and third around, as the Marc section takes place a week after Heyday but then the Trapper one goes back to it.

Finally, I would remove the first paragraph about the storm. It's a little cliched but more importantly, the second paragraph is much better and would sit well as an opening.

Overall a nice read with plenty of promise.

D M Sharples.

Hello Selena ' thicker than water'
i backed book of yours some months ago, and have no hesitation after reading some more in giving it six starts
it has to be one of the best fantasy book on the authonomy site.
it is captivating and most enjoyable and is a great page turner.
good luck .it deserves a higher ranking
tom bye ' from hugs to kisses'

A very interesting and intriguing story, I really like the idea. I found the opening chapter a little slow to start, but once you got to the bit with the table looking into the human world and the books, it got me hooked. I really like the way you introduce the main characters over thge following chapters and bring forward their stories in sections, its an interesting format and kept me interested in all 3 scenarios. You have created a world that is most intriguing and this promises to be an exciting read full of adventure and magic!
Really enjoyed what I read
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Selena, here to comment as promised. What follows is only my opinion, of course, so feel free to ignore it.

I’ve actually read through everything you’ve posted here and ended up really enjoying it. But I almost didn’t get further than the prologue. So, just in case it’s useful to you, here’s how my thought processes went.

First of all, I was a bit put off by the angels. Everyone seems to be writing about angels at the moment (they’re the new vampires), and so I thought your book was going to fit that teenage fiction mould. And I wasn’t grabbed by the prologue. The mystical stuff (the Weave et al) felt just a bit … samey. I don’t at all mean that in a nasty way. It’s not the details that made me feel like I’d seen them before, just the general setup. This is more to do with my preconceptions than your writing, I think.

Incidentally, I liked the idea of the ‘something old …’ being a prophecy of some kind, but I wasn’t sure why Zirail took up the idea. What makes him think that this will mean he succeeds in what he’s trying to achieve? Surely just because he invents a prophecy, doesn’t mean it will come true. Or can any angel create a prophecy and then make it happen – in which case, why don’t they just use that power to make things happen directly?

I then flicked over to the first chapter and got a bit confused. The involvement of angels and heaven and hell had made me assume that the action was set in our world, but it soon became clear that it wasn’t the modern world. So I thought maybe it was a sort of alternative historical fiction. But again that thought was quickly disproved, and I realised this is a completely different world. I think you need to make that absolutely clear in your pitch so people know what to expect (because I did flounder around for a while trying to get to grips with it). I also wonder whether angels really fit in with the rest of your world picture. Surely they go with the religions that have grown up in this world. A different world would have a completely different religion and a completely different set of supernatural beings.

Anyway, once I’d sorted it all out in my mind, I kept reading and soon became fascinated by the details of your world. The Plugs, and the different treatment for men and women with the power, are a great idea and wonderfully well realised. By the end of your chapter three I really wanted to keep reading to find out what would happen to Warwick, and so I kept going. Good stuff. (Though by the way, there seem to be only three MCs – Warwick, Marc and Trapper. Given the initial prophecy, I would have expected four? But maybe I have misinterpreted.)

Overall, I think there’s a lot of potential here and some really good ideas. I love the world you have created and I think your three MCs are great. But what I’m not sure of is how the supernatural element fits in – not in terms of plot but in terms of feel and tone. Having read all you’ve posted, the prologue just doesn’t feel like it fits with the rest. But maybe it’s just me :-)

Some excellent writing brings a whole world of literature into the mind of the reader.

BACKED

Dear Selena, While this is not my usual interest, I read ch.1 and really enjoyed the colourful originality of your story. You certainly have a wonderful imagination. A compulsive read which draws me back for more. I wasn't quite sure whether Zirail had been an angel for a thousand years or 300 or have I missed something? Well written and interesting so backed. Gordon - The Harpist of Madrid

Really intriguing Synopsis, I'd be happy to exchange reads/backing if you are game?

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and your work is extremely character rich. Your use of imagery is excellent. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is the most original slant on this idea I have ever seen and it works beautifully. You have handled this perfectly and it is very hard to put down, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Dear Selena

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Dear Selena, I loved your prologue most of all & your young angel/as compared to the thousand year old angels. :) He's good & can't do bad :) - that was good. :) I liked Marc :) - he's sensitive & wants what's right. :) Would that everyone was as dedicated as he is :) - what a wonderful world we would have. :) Your pitch prepared me for a great read & your tight paragraphs & dialogue made it smooth all of the way. :) I've backed your book :) - you have already backed my memoirs book. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)

A very interesting premise for a story. Well written. Backed.

I hope you will take a look at my novel, Earth Reaver. I would welcome any comments and your backing.

Herschel Shirley

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 1 hour later :)