PHEN

Hi Lorin your story is creative and interesting. I am backing your book and I look forward to reading more.
Zyanya

Is there a reason so much of chapter one is in itals? Or was this a formatting issue???

This book is so interesting, I only planned to be online for a few minutes, but when I stumbled upon this I could not take my eyes off of these words! I love your book, and I can not wait to read the rest, keep up the excellent work, I backed your book ang gave it the highest rating ;)

Vdery good. Always enjoy a Christian read. Any ting that draws children into a reltionship with God is worthy.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

wonderful

Original. I like it. very interesting plot! This would market well to the older kids I think. A very intriguing story! I you hae some time, please take a look at my story The Champion.
Backed for you,
J.R.

Hi JR- I aleady backed, commented and rated The Champion. I liked it very much.

Original. I like it. very interesting plot! This would market well to the older kids I think. A very intriguing story! I you hae some time, please take a look at my story The Champion.
Backed for you,
J.R.

Well, I started on chapter 3, but I'm thinking I should have started at 1. I was a litle confused. With that said, I like the premise of the story, and I think that you have shown a lot of heart. It does need a little cleaning up, but if you read it aloud, I think you'll figure things out and polish it. Keep up the good work.

Lorin,

I've been reading on in your book and I like what I've read.

I've also been thinking about the idea of starting a publishing company or self publishing. Starting a publishing company seems like something that would be more then I could financially do right now, so I'm leaning more toward self publishing. But I have also been tossing around the idea of something esle all together.

I hear that if you self publish on CreateSpace then you have the option to choose a "publishing company" name to attatch to your book. I was thinking about creating a name, using it, and offering that other authors could use the same name (if we approve their work.) We could also set up a website with the help of someone with tech experience and list the different titles that use our publishing company name there.

What do you think? I'm open to ideas.

Also, what do you think of The Ark of Humanity?

Have a great day!

- Scott

P.s. I've written this message to send twice. The first time my message wasn't sent. I hope that I didn't forget anything.

P.p.s. I guess my message was too long for "messages" so I've posted it in comments. {crosses fingers}

Hi Lorin, I like Phen so far and am very intrigued as to what is going to happen :-) It seems to be very intelligently written- I find the pitch a little confusing but I hope all will become clear! I am backing it in faith and hope to read more soon. Karen x

Great book. Right up my street.
Backed with pleasure.

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

Now it makes sense in the second chapter. Aha! Moving on to Chapter 4.

Elizabeth

I have now reattached the first chapter to reduce confusion. Thanks Elizabeth.

So far, the writing suits the audience. There are a few cosmetic things-such as paragraphs being clumped together.
In chapter 1, I was confused by the Griphen interlude in P3 &4. It was so brief and out of touch with the rest of the chapter, it seemed like something was misplaced in the upload.

I'm reading on.

Elizabeth Love

Hi Elizabeth, and others,
I apologize for the interlude with Griphen. I removed the first chapter because I was getting so much feedback from the first chapter and I wanted to force readership into the rest of the book. I will fix for the sake of authonomists, as I can see how that makes it very confusing.
Thanks Elizabeth!

So far, the writing suits the audience. There are a few cosmetic things-such as paragraphs being clumped together.
In chapter 1, I was confused by the Griphen interlude in P3 &4. It was so brief and out of touch with the rest of the chapter, it seemed like something was misplaced in the upload.

I'm reading on.

Elizabeth Love

Lorin: Your story is brilliant and unique and I absolutely love the names of your characters! Thank you for introducing such a thoughtful book to this community. Also, thank you for your comments on my story - I hadn't caught that glaring error in my pitch :) I appreciate your generous enthusiasm! Yes, my story is complete, but I haven't decided if I want to post it in its entirety quite yet. Thank you, and best of luck! ~ N.C. Sellars (The Martyr Diaries)

I took your hint and read a random chapter!! lol...I quite liked it. Mildly symblic fantasy is my genre...I'll let you know what I think of the entire story once I'm done reading it. :D

I was taken in by the Angels caught in the middle......a great idea for a story......and wondered how it switched to mermaids, etc. However, I do like Phen, the main character, and felt for him. On the basis, I'm looking forward to the rest of the story! C.S. Poulsen THE INSIDERS mg/ya

This is enchanting. I love the premise, it is quite unique. You use words effectively. They paint a colourful picture in the mind of the reader. Very well written. It is my pleasure to back it for you. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A moving fantasy adventure. Sympathetic, distinctly drawn characters. Striking descriptions. Heartfelt depiction of a unique world. Inventive use of language. Convincing plot. Impressive writing. A hypnotic read. Backed.

An interesting take on the mermaid myth, with a good Christian message.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

HI Lorin, I was fascinated with the idea of the unmentioned angels so was anxious to read your book. I read the first chapter and skimmed the second chapter. Phen, the character, is unique and memorable and one who, I believe, is appealing to children. Your opening chapter introduces so much information I am afraid you will lose many potential readers early on. I started to read it with the idea of learning more about the unmentioned angels and Adelian but this isn't mentioned at all in the first 2 chapters. Then after reading chapter 1 I expected to learn more about Phen but you then introduce Phoenix. I trust all of these characters and the stories being told by the old man will be wrapped up in later chapters however it may take a committed reader to get there. I hope you accept these comments in the spirit that it is given. I would appreciate any feedback you might have on my story "The Feydom of Sencal".

Good tale here with plenty that holds the interest. Good mix of mythologies with an undercurrent of menace to intrigue the reader.

The interweaving of the facets of your story is skilfully done. Each character seems to deserve a book in their own right. It should prove very popular with the target readership.
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

I LORIN ' PHEN'

Have to concur with previous comment that this is a wonderful adventure story, the angel and the new land, love this story its so creative and a compelling read, fantasy read at its best, will read more
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'
PLease back mine if you like it

What a wonderful adventure, very original. I will gladly purchase for my 18,14 and 13 year old teens as a healthy fun book to read. I hope you write more books like this.

Dear Lorin Adegbenro,

Griphen, Phen, both sad and funny and perseptive and brazen, yours is quite the story -- what a character. What a tale. Here's a word I seldom use because it's so overused (and I don't believe I ever used it in seven months on Authonomy) AWESOME. Yes, I love Phen.

Backed, Lorin, and best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Very interesting! You've got a great writing style and the feel of an old world story teller. It swept me into this world and into the story. I don't have anything negative to say or to suggest. I was happy with what I read! Keep up the good work.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

You have a unique and rich voice for storytelling. I would suggest switching the opening story to italics and leaving the rest of the narrative in standard type. Also, an edit of the opening tale might make the narrative sharper and more lyrical. For example, the interruptive, "showing off their muscles in their loin cloths" isn't quite what you meant to say; I assume you wanted to provide the image of men in their loin cloths demonstrating their muscles for their wives. An edit for economy and clarity would improve an already enticing story.

clear and engaging writing; the story is original and works well...on my watchlist///
read SEASONS...

I can see 10-16 years olds go crazy over this book. It has all the right ingredients.

How charming and enchanting. Imaginative and well crafted.

Loveeeee it!

Best

Love love the read, so unique and imaginative...you are definitely a rising star, can't wait to come for your book signings...Yay...Lots of love Fola

Lorin,
Of course I'll back your book. I know what a creative and imaginative story it is and hope everyone loves it! Love, "Lily1"

You are totally fantastic, Lorin! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Lorin,


I think you've got what could be a good story, but I really believe it needs a good editing. You do alot of telling rather than showing, even when Phen is talking. Some of your description is not needed - things like 60% potatoes and 40% meat - it slows the story down.

Also, I wasn't sure about this, but would social elitists really adopt a bi-racial orphan from a different country? You also never describe why his hands don't work - are they deformed? is he paralyzed and unable to move his arms? Does he just lack motor control? It would seem to me that if people took the time and effort to adopt a child from out of the country they would at least have the child seen by a doctor. There are agencies that oversee this sort of thing, and they would not have allowed parents to treat the child in such a manner. The reality is disconnected enough from what you wrote that I think readers would be turned off by it.
The only exception is if your story is set in a different universe - and in that case you need to set it up from the beginning as being different.

As you have it here there's quite a large disconnect between the reader and Phen. I think your story would be served better if we felt some of his reactions - saw him respond to things rather than have him tell us about himself. Show it in the storyline.

I hope this helps

:)
Sherry

I just backed your book, would you mind checking out Lightscape. I would love some feedback!
Emily

HEy i like the way the book started and continued unexpectedly. i am just in the first part and i am guessing that Griphen will be obsessed with finding his heritage since he has discovered some powers. i like the narrative, real, at least to me. PLease can you check out me bok, THE SEVEN PIECE STONE. i would like you to take a look at it and add me a nice comment on it and backing if possible. I will be going through the rest of your novel today thanks. Backed with GLee

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and your work is extremely character rich. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Very unique and well written so far. backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Hi Lorin, I had time to read chapter one and really liked it.
I made a few notes.Please feel free to ignore, of course:-

The opening with the guys in the boat is well described. the language is easy and makes for a swift read.

groin clothes is a new one on me -- I've heard of loin cloths.

'they quickly noticed' (I'd remove the adverb 'quickly' - it's not needed).

The part where the boat capsizes in the heavy swell of the waves is excellent -- very exciting.

I really liked the dialogue where he asks mum which bit of Africa he's from. More dialogue, please.

Backed with pleasure. I'll read more when I have time.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

PHEN
Your idea here is extremely good and interesting. You’ve given us a great set of characters, well fleshed out and believable.
Your descriptive passages and phrases are well thought, and you give us plenty of vivid images to deal with.
Some minor editing needed - and this could be good.I am happy to back this as I think it will do well in the right market and targeted at the right audience.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Intriguing and attractively simplistic in the telling...well done!
Cheers
Stewart

A very interesting read and I thoroughlu enjoyed it. Backed

Interesting. Let me know if you would like to swap reads.

D K WILLIS
THE THIEF ON THE CROSS

Maybe that where I came from. "What part of Africa did you adopt me from?" "Near the middle, I think." Phen is pretty amazing. "It is bad enough that he eats with his mind." This is intriguing. I'll be back to read more when I get a little time. Backed for now.

Dear Lorin
Phen is an amazing piece of work, you should be extremely proud of..... I love the subject matter within and you're writing is tremendously good.....
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

Lorin,
PHEN is a work of extraordinary imagination. You have crafted a fine story which is sure to captivate young readers of the fantasy genre. Backed with pleasure.

Dear Lorin
I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I feel sure you
feel like me that it is your baby and you so want to see it succeed. I do wish you all the best in rising and also
getting this book of your published. ( I wish I had half the talent some of you have on this site)
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

I found myself fascinated by this. Griphen will turn out to be an incredible character. Shades of Oliver Twist and hints of far more intrigue and thought provoking reading to come, well done. Some small mistakes 'Groin-cloth' would be 'loin-cloth'. "Peaked into the room" would be 'Peeked' "His Father wines" should be 'Whines'.
Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)