A Date In The Diary

Amelia Gail,
I would never buy a chick lit book--I was such a snob. I think you've converted me. At least you pulled the rug out from under me. A Date in the Diary is ADORABLE. You are wonderful at developing characters--after just a few chapters, I not only knew these C & Ds. I knew their husbands, their maids, their parents. You've also fitted the plot so well around these chicks. I may just buy the book so I can read it all. I've given you 5 stars and I'll shelve you as soon as I figure out how this works.
One suggestion: someone here pointed out that if you go in a bookstore and check out published books, just about ALL are done in a serif font, such as Times Roman, mainly because it is much easier to read. You may want to consider changing your font. I saw a couple nits, but I was so engrossed I raced right by them. Best of luck with this--you may start a series--a new Janet Evanovich. You are a natural writer.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

A DATE IN THE DIARY
Amelia Gail
Not my usual reading matter but I thoroughly enjoyed the characters and story laid out before me here. I agree with other comments that observation and attention to detail set this apart and a great deal of time and work has been put into the writing.
Well done Amelia you deserve to go far with this style, and I wish you every success.
Backed and star rated,
Regards,
Bruce
Lockerbie's Deception

Nice, Amelia. You owned me with your synopsis. I love it when I can disappear into a work, and simply enjoy the ride. Would make a terrific movie, by the way. I write scripts for women, so I can kinda pick it up really well. Backed!

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

I admire your effort greatly and have had periods in the past where it has been extremely difficult to find the time to write and edit. I realise this is an early draft and I think this is a great effort and although it still does need a little work, as does my own, – your story is all here and I think it has great potential.

When I got to chapter 2 of this, I realised I have at some stage prior read at least the second chapter of this and wondered if you had added the first chapter after. But I couldn’t find any comment from me prior.

I also thought at the end of 4 chapters although I thought you went a long way to showing more setting in CH3 – that the two previously chapters I really couldn’t vision where we were.

Just some thoughts as I read below

CH1

Cassie was unaware when they’d met of the variety. -----I didn’t understand that line.

Where you mention time eg 648.am you need to stay consistent and put am or pm on all the times.

Also watch all those explanation marks…. I don’t feel they really are needed where they are.

I love the two thousand word email LOL

CH2
Bye love, ----- should have that in quotes

What I remember now about reading the second chapter is that I can’t really visualize where we are and although it appears it is a country town, we have no idea of what type of setting and when we get to the dance school I can’t picture what type of street – are we in a small town or larger town that borders fields or mountains or river or something.

Melissa spun on her heels and walked towards her ----- I’m not sure it is clear who that last her refers to, the mother or Miss Grainger.

Grace drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. She could feel her blood pressure rising and developed a twitch in her right eye. Glancing at her watch she placed her hand firmly on the horn and gave it a long blast. Several passing mothers tutted and shook their heads. Grace didn’t give a damn; if they had her life, they’d do the same.

‘SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, oh no, now I’m well and truly stuffed.’ She groaned. ----- you need a comma after stuffed and a small ‘s’ on the she before groaned.

Everything she did was organised around everyone else and she suddenly felt very hard done by. ----- you need that first ‘she’ to be Grace to it is clear

When Channel Four rang asking for Tom, she should have said he was away or retired, anything, but no, not her, always the dutiful one, -----full stop instead of that comma

Left to her own devices and driving at a speed she -----Grace instead of ‘she’

I think Grace comes across well and one can’t help feeling her frustration. I like the second chapter and think it contrasts a greatly with the first chapter where we are introduced to Cassie who is divorced and now meet Grace who is clearly unhappy with her lot.

Ch3

After getting half way through chapter three I thought Mia comes across as a little unlikable compared to the other two. A snob. Nothing wrong with that, and actually I like that she is different than the other two women, although I wasn’t sure if that was your intention. She comes across very vein and self absorbed and rude. For example when she talking to the shop assistant.

Ch4

I was glad to see by chapter 4 we are starting to see how these for women are going to come together. I think this fits the chick lit genre nicely and a like some of the simmering humour in some lines, especially in the first two chapters. I love the character of Cassie best, and felt for Grace and all the demands with those kids and suck of a husband.

Good luck with this.

Just wanted to let you know, thank you for the comment and backing, and I just had a quick look at your blurb and will be back in the next few days to have a bit of a read.

The clever construction of your pitches suggests a great deal of advance planning and this is born out in the book itself. You write very well, particularly strong in the difficult area of characterisation, and the story zips along at all times.
Chick Lit can take many forms. When it works as well as it does here, the genre gains many new fans. Consider me one of them.
Jake

This is my kind of book! It is witty, clever, cruel and very believable. I thoroughly enjoyed it and would definitely buy the completed version. Backed, starred and highly recommended.
Yours Bea

Hi Amelia,
Your profile says that this is the first draft and if that's still the case I take my hat off to you! It reads easily and the backstory is cleverly woven in so that it doesn't feel like backstory - it feels like (and is) - Cassie's emotions right now. I really liked the reference to Bridget Jones and Hugh Grant popping up all over the place, too.
I glanced at the second chapter too and I think lots of women will be able to recongise themselves in this kind of character - the rushed, overly busy, middle class mum.
There's definitely a market for this kind of book - your characters feel real, and I'm sure plenty of women will be able to identify with at least one of them.

Hi Amelia,
Your profile says that this is the first draft and if that's still the case I take my hat off to you! It reads easily and the backstory is cleverly woven in so that it doesn't feel like backstory - it feels like (and is) - Cassie's emotions right now. I really liked the reference to Bridget Jones and Hugh Grant popping up all over the place, too.
I glanced at the second chapter too and I think lots of women will be able to recongise themselves in this kind of character - the rushed, overly busy, middle class mum.
There's definitely a market for this kind of book - your characters feel real, and I'm sure plenty of women will be able to identify with at least one of them.

Hi Amelia :-) I really enjoyed this, you can tell you've put a lot of time and effort into the writing, although obviously as you yourself mention it still needs editing for finer details like punctuation etc, but that's easily fixed. The characters felt like 'real' characters from the start, and you took a cliche (man leaving wife for other woman) and still made it sound unique. You have some great snappy one liners (like the one about pride, courage and her mothers cheekbones). To me this could easily be published and marketed as something similar to Jane Green and the like. The ONLY thing I don't like (sorry), is the cover. I really don't think it does your book justice (seems a bit dated) and I'm worried it may turn off potential readers. Hope you don't mind me saying so. Otherwise, really great writing and I can't wait to read more :-) Tammy. I've rated you highly and will give you some shelf time soon.

Hi Amelia,

Your novel is very engaging and you have a relaxed writing style that makes the reader feel at home immediately. You introduce your main characters quickly and are able to give us a huge amount of information about them without it sounding forced - that is a good skill to have.

The only suggestion that I would make is to look at the structure of your text objectively - there are a few areas where you have been writing in a 'stream of consciousness' and the words have flowed out of you (which we all do when inspiration hits) but the punctuation is amiss. When this happens it's harder for the reader to understand the text as you intended it.

That said, I appreciate that this isn't your final draft and I'm sure you will pick up on these points later - the important thing is that you have a strong, engaging storyline and I'm sure that you will be very successful with it.

All the best,
MK

I read your first chapter. Thank you for reading uyour comments drew my attention to the fact that I had still an earlier version posted. Thank you again
Regards Amelia

General comments: A fun, engaging start. A fiesty, likable main character. Clever wit. Good descriptions. Good tension. Excellent pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The wind howled like a banshee' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) 'Like dogs in heat' is cliche. Consider coming up with a more unique similie.
3) Hyphenate 'six month old.'
4) 'Yes; the cheek of her walking into her domain would kidnap her dream.' Too many 'hers.' Consider substituting 'Cassie' for the second 'her.'
5) 'She looked like the contestants on Worlds Strongest Man, ... ' Worlds (plural) should be World's (possessive).
6) " ...and you won't be the last to be shit on sweetie." Comma after 'on.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
7) ' ... the face of the alarm clock glared 6.48 am.' '6.48 am' should be '6.48 a.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
8) 'Yeah right.' grunted Cassie. You can't 'grunt' dialogue. If you want to show Cassie grunting, you should write 'Cassie grunted.' If you want to indicate who said 'Yeah right,' put a comma after 'right' and change 'grunted to 'said.'
9) "Well don't or do it more slowly.' Polly whispered in warning. Comma after 'slowly.' 'Polly whispered' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or explaination).

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Seven months ago, you backed and commented on "Savannah Fire." Thank you again for that. "Savannah Fire" recently slipped from #8 to #9 and is in need of more shelves to stay in the top ten. I revised "Savannah Fire" a couple of weeks ago. Would you please take another look at it and, if you like it, keep it in mind the next time you reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A fun, engaging start. A fiesty, likable main character. Clever wit. Good descriptions. Good tension. Excellent pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The wind howled like a banshee' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
2) 'Like dogs in heat' is cliche. Consider coming up with a more unique similie.
3) Hyphenate 'six month old.'
4) 'Yes; the cheek of her walking into her domain would kidnap her dream.' Too many 'hers.' Consider substituting 'Cassie' for the second 'her.'
5) 'She looked like the contestants on Worlds Strongest Man, ... ' Worlds (plural) should be World's (possessive).
6) " ...and you won't be the last to be shit on sweetie." Comma after 'on.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with a comma.
7) ' ... the face of the alarm clock glared 6.48 am.' '6.48 am' should be '6.48 a.m.' There are more cases of this type of problem.
8) 'Yeah right.' grunted Cassie. You can't 'grunt' dialogue. If you want to show Cassie grunting, you should write 'Cassie grunted.' If you want to indicate who said 'Yeah right,' put a comma after 'right' and change 'grunted to 'said.'
9) "Well don't or do it more slowly.' Polly whispered in warning. Comma after 'slowly.' 'Polly whispered' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or explaination).

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Seven months ago, you backed and commented on "Savannah Fire." Thank you again for that. "Savannah Fire" recently slipped from #8 to #9 and is in need of more shelves to stay in the top ten. I revised "Savannah Fire" a couple of weeks ago. Would you please take another look at it and, if you like it, keep it in mind the next time you reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Amelia:

Although this is a first draft, it is well written, and your stortytelling ability draws the reader in. Although this isn't the type of book I'd normally pick up, your characterization is strong enough to reach beyond a particular genre. You wondered (in your bio) whether you have talent; I'd say you do. Keep writing, even though your allotted time is minimal.

Rob

the characters are so real. I thoroughly enjoyed reading the first 2 chapters. I have rated and placed on my Wl for further reading. Best of luck with your book
Red

Greetings Amelia,
I think it's the word 'players' in your short pitch that caught my eye. Heck, why not? Yes, there must be play. I like the verb play. I normally don't read chic lit, but why not? If the writing is good that is more important. And it will do me good to shed my lit fic tuxedo for something different. OK I might not like it, but then again I might. So, I will read you if you will read me. I normally comment in detail when a story grabs me.
Ron
WATCHING SWIFTS

A great read, very strong characters. I have a similar 'for and against' list like Cassie wrote in my book, must be a chick lit essential!
Will come back and read the rest soon, am now going to have to make a space on my shelf for it too!
Jo

Hi Amelia.

This isn't my kind of reading but I think it is well written and has a place for those who do enjoy this kind of story. I've only had time to look at the first chapter, but I found no errors in that sample.

Ron

This is good stuff, though not the sort of thing i would usually read. believable characters, well paced . not sure if your opening is a bit slow. Maybe rejig it to start with the paragraph 'ryan had a lot to answer for.. having trouble with chapters 3 onwards being blocked due to obscenity, so can't comment further, but what i can see is worth the 5 stars i've given. cheers

Obscenity I havent got anything like that in it so have no idea why its blocked but thank you for the comment anyway.
Amelia

This is good stuff, though not the sort of thing i would usually read. believable characters, well paced . not sure if your opening is a bit slow. Maybe rejig it to start with the paragraph 'ryan had a lot to answer for.. having trouble with chapters 3 onwards being blocked due to obscenity, so can't comment further, but what i can see is worth the 5 stars i've given. cheers

This book just gets better, thanks for loading more
Sue Xx

Backed :0) x x x

Im looking forward to reading your book and I have watched list it and will back it asap, Amanda (Praying for a Miracle)

She's got her knickers in a right twist, literally, over Ryan and the Bisley bitch with the Nell Gwyn tits. OMG. Cassie comes across a right nymphomaniac -open air sex, bathroom sex, kitchen sex, bedroom sex - any sex, any time, any place, anywhere.
How did Ryan find the time, as well as the energy to have an affair? He must have been crawling on all fours, begging for mercy. with sex mad Cassie.
But I must say I did enjoy the story - it made me smile through the three chapters I read and I look forward to reading a little bit more soon.
Cheers and best of luck with your writing, Kat

Your pitch should be: “Four women: winners, losers, and players.” It’s a list, therefore it needs commas, and unless they women belong to “winners,” you don’t need the apostrophe. But otherwise it’s good; very concise.

Nitpicks (feel free to ignore!):

“sounded in a repetitive piercing wail, before petering to silence.” Flip the commas around in this sentence: “sounded in a repetitive, COMMA piercing wail NO COMMA before petering INTO silence.”

“Today, replacing the usual hum of passing cars outside, interspersed with birdsong, the wind howled like a banshee.” This sentence is awkward. Simply use something like, “The wind howled like banshee, replacing the usual hum of passing cars and interspersed with birdsong.”

“Wandering around in her head were thoughts of moving house, soon quickly dismissed, when she remembered she was already under pressure to pay the mortgage as it was.” Another awkward sentence. Try something like, “Thoughts of moving house wandered around her head, but she quickly dismissed them. She was already under pressure to the mortgage as it was.”

Watch run-on sentences. A paragraph of short, concise sentences with a lot of punch is better than a long, rambling sentence stapled together with a series of commas and “ands.”

“she spat out loud!” Take out the explanation point. It’s unnecessary, and would look/sound better if it is the MC speaking, not the narration.

I empathized with her mood on the depressing, “wet autumn day.” Some days are just like that . . . ugh. Otherwise, great writing, and I completely sympathize with Cassie but thinks he should get over Ryan! :) -EZ

A DATE IN THE DIARY
Amelia Gail
Not my usual reading matter but I thoroughly enjoyed the characters and story laid out before me here. I agree with other comments that observation and attention to detail set this apart and a great deal of time and work has been put into the writing.
Well done Amelia you deserve to go far with this style, and I wish you every success.
Backed and star rated,
Regards,
Bruce
Lockerbie's Deception

Your well crafted characters and eye for detail make this story.
Not a genre I read a lot of but I can see from the start this is well written and immensely readable.
It should prove a popular read.
Worthy of stars and shelf space. Margaret.

I think your greatest gift is for charcterisation. Each of your women come alive in your words. Well done, and I'm happy to back - just as soon as I can empty a space on my shelf. Marj.

I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

You establish good tension by showing the stress between her and Ryan. You show us her depression: hard to get out of bed, job, etc. And have us sympathizing with the betrayal.

The reoccurring dream--nice touch

A lot of good element to play with her. You've presented a story with terrific psychological tension. I think the dream was the most shocking/interesting/painful aspect of the drama

This is well constructed with a good eye for detail. The characters come alive with your excellent use of dialogue.

Smoothly written and thoroughly enjoyable


Jane

'Breath in the Dark '

Hi Amelia - you have a great story here - I love your characters and you have a great talent for observation. While the story is excellent, you do need to edit to tidy up spelling, punctuation, etc. That will make a big difference to how your story is received by other site members and, when the time comes, agents and publishers. It is a brilliant read, though, so I'm giving it a lot of lovely stars. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn)

I have just uploaded 4 edited chapters and hope to load another 4 tomorrow, so glad you enjoyed.

Hi Amelia - you have a great story here - I love your characters and you have a great talent for observation. While the story is excellent, you do need to edit to tidy up spelling, punctuation, etc. That will make a big difference to how your story is received by other site members and, when the time comes, agents and publishers. It is a brilliant read, though, so I'm giving it a lot of lovely stars. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn)

There are some brilliant lines in this, especially the one about being in the oil industry. I used to work in Camberley and definitely filled up with petrol there, though maybe not at Tesco.
There is a scathing scorn of materialistic people which is good. It does need some typo-tidying though. Going on to my WL till I have room under the new regime.

Amelia Gail,
I would never buy a chick lit book--I was such a snob. I think you've converted me. At least you pulled the rug out from under me. A Date in the Diary is ADORABLE. You are wonderful at developing characters--after just a few chapters, I not only knew these C & Ds. I knew their husbands, their maids, their parents. You've also fitted the plot so well around these chicks. I may just buy the book so I can read it all. I've given you 5 stars and I'll shelve you as soon as I figure out how this works.
One suggestion: someone here pointed out that if you go in a bookstore and check out published books, just about ALL are done in a serif font, such as Times Roman, mainly because it is much easier to read. You may want to consider changing your font. I saw a couple nits, but I was so engrossed I raced right by them. Best of luck with this--you may start a series--a new Janet Evanovich. You are a natural writer.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

This is a fantastic book it brings together the lives and loves of four women who either find their life is changing for the good or going down hill. Either way this is an engaging and amusing read . Each character is well devoped and totally believable . I know the commas are not in the right place etc but the content more than makes up for it This is one to publish HC
Sue Mackender

Knowing Liam Riley

Good character development with a compelling story. Each has a well developed scenario that pulls you in and takes you right there with them. Great read, looking forward to this one!

backed
sue
Fate's Chastening

You have a great, in-your-face, take-no-prisoners style. Everything's immediate. It's like watching a particularly brutal sit-com at times. Great stuff. Good luck with it.

Gefordson
Nothing you can do

I really like this, it has a very conversational style which makes it flow and I will definitely read it all. Backed. Take a look at mine please if you have time? Carole.

Backed.

This is so easy to read, we can more or less decide who to like and dislike from the start. I read it in order but the idea that I will be able to follow just a single character at a time before the gathering of the principles at the end is novel and I think it’s going to work.

I hope this does well. Joy Taylor

Ohh there's a lot of sex mentioned in this first chapter - not a bad thing! I enjoyed what I read. She is a likeable main character. Your writing really makes me feel her frustration. No major advice as it is very well written. Just one thing I noticed - you should get rid of the commar between 'the kitchen, sex...' I am certainly backing this though - and will be buying it when it is published! Clare

You wrote the right amount of detail about Sophie, Cassie, Grace and Mia.
I read all that you uploaded and I enjoyed it.
You set up the reunion very well and it would be interesting to find out the characters end up.

Cassie may have had her heart broken, but she also got her revenge, and then some. Pity she can't just focus on Fred Niven. Still, Cassie is an angel when compared to Mia. Apparently Rufus has finally seen the light and is about to become (if he hasn't already) another cheating husband. Even her father doesn't like her, 'a bit of the tar brush', not that he can talk either (that turns out to be a bad pun - sorry). My sympathies lie with Matilda...

Hilarious, whirlwind of a chick-lit with a large cast of colourful characters. It's not my genre, but I can see this amusing the target audience with its international travel, high fashion, celebrities and romantic encounters.

Possible nits: I noticed quite a few stray commas. Sometimes it's not too clear what's happening now and what's in the past, e.g. 'she [had] wriggled into the little black dress'. 'managed actually to ... the actual meeting'. 'there [they're] no bloody thinner'. 'visiting a college [colleague]'.

Great potential here - an amusing, entertaining story with witty observations that many women (and men) will identify with - delivered in a chatty, listening-in-on-thoughts style. Great pictures of London etc., combined with the season and weather without labouring the descriptions.

Some careful editing is required but that doesn't detract from a genuinely enjoyable read.

Bill Booker, Trippers.

A good rollicking read and I am happy to back it. But think about dropping the first paragraph. It contributes nothing and it tries to prevent the reader from going further. Better, in my view, to start with – ‘Since her divorce…’ This is a stronger opening.

Added Date in the Diary to our watchlist. Interesting title. Will read and comment on later.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Chapter 6
Mia has quite a strong abrasive personality, I don’t think I would like her. This is an interesting story that still needs some tiding up however I did like what I read and I’m happy to back it.
A few nits I noticed.
‘The fight was full – flight. – should ‘forth glass’ be ‘fourth glass’
‘Where to luv’ he enquired - …luv?” he. There we go then daddy.. – it is his name- Daddy.

Tony
Life Bringer

This is a pretty unique concept but one that you make ur own and it works. I like the idea that they all come together maybe in the end !

This is funny, dark and cassis is just every divorcees reaction to everything .

Really enjoyed this

Really interesting concept - look forward to reading this -

PMT

Enjoyable read. Happy to back this. I did come across a handful of miscellaneous grammatical errors in the first two chapters that need to be cleaned up, but nothing serious. Cheers and good luck with your writing, Jennifer -A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE-

Amelia -

A Date in the Diary - Set up as a play, I get the sense it will end with a crescendo. I'd be tempted to cheat and look up later chapters. I wondered about chapter 1, do you need the first two paragraphs? I'd start with ... Since her divorce from Ryan ... the voice is snappy. You're good at that, and with that skill you could pull anything to get the reader to go along. Best Success.

Backed, Pia, (Course of Mirrors)

The term 'Chick Lit' has a derisive light-weight connotation, in my view unwarranted, because much of it, that I have experienced on this site, is eminently readable. This is not a sexist observation of surprise but is to say the genre is the domain of some skilful authors. Plots are well organised, prose is extremely competent, vibrant and much of the mental imagery is satisfyingly graphic. Characters are 'real' and believable and the stories provide the full gamut of human emotions. A Date in the Diary ticks all of the boxes. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Loved the start to the book. There is deep pain the narration, but elements of humour and hostility that didn't let the reader get dragged down. I would have liked to see more dialogue near the end of the chapter to carry it through, but it was still an enjoyable read. Poor Ryan...snicker, snicker.

Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber