The Merchant's New Brand

I always appreciate YA fiction that is written intelligently, with a broad use of vocabulary and an intricate and multi-level plot. You have all of this in your wonderful story. The first chapter has all the elements you need to entice and hook a reader. Really, this is just very well written. One small gripe. You use the longer dash too much (--). In my opinion, it's a weak grammatical construct. Normally, you can almost always find a stronger way to show emphasis or a pause. I think it clutters up the prose and seems lazy in a way. My opinion, of course :-). I'd take those out. Aside from that, nothing to complain of here. Good characterization, great dialogue and I feel that I'm in the hands of a talented storyteller. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

The Merchant's New Brand

Ross Heard

Chapter one "Pursuit" set the scene well and I think was a very good opening. The language seemed authentic for the times. "Please kind sirs. Can you spare a wretch like myself a copper to feed me starving, lame daughter?" If only beggars and vagrants were as polite as they were in the old days! I am enjoying this. The brothers are engaging, and you paint the mage in a very colourful way, cobalt flames flickering around his hand and all.This has an air of adventure about it and seems engrossing - your target audience should find it very appealing. I did and it's been quite a few years since I was YA! Good luck to you.

THE MERCHANTS NEW BRAND
Nice opening chapter with masses of adventure and action. A good snappy pace speedes it all along. You've drawn good characters in Laran and Kelric the brothers. An interesting YA tale and will appeal to its audience. Backed
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Very good pitch... nice opening.. best wishes

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

The Merchant's New Brand

Ross Heard

Chapter one "Pursuit" set the scene well and I think was a very good opening. The language seemed authentic for the times. "Please kind sirs. Can you spare a wretch like myself a copper to feed me starving, lame daughter?" If only beggars and vagrants were as polite as they were in the old days! I am enjoying this. The brothers are engaging, and you paint the mage in a very colourful way, cobalt flames flickering around his hand and all.This has an air of adventure about it and seems engrossing - your target audience should find it very appealing. I did and it's been quite a few years since I was YA! Good luck to you.

Well a great start, and we all want to know what's on the other side of the orb. Then off to foreign fields and to a mage called Talos. The two brothers are well drawn and the settings convincing. The dialogue is good but needs to be given a bit more of an air of real speech, which usually involves using more of the shortened forms ( for example. 'you are' becomes 'you're'). I realise you are striving for a slightly old-fashioned ring to the language but this can be overdone. The pace and structure work well. Backed Jaye

Your pitch was capitvating, and the story didn't disappoint. A very original idea which you have brought to life in a unique way. Backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

I think you've got a great beginning here! It grabbed me right away and with me, fantasy is hit or miss. This one was a hit. I think you use the dash too much, I noticed that pretty quickly. You just don't see it much in writing these days. Otherwise, I like how you use a very visual style of writing, I could picture this in my head. The action is well placed and doesn't feel choreographed. The fantasy elements all work for me too, I found myself really believing this as I went along. So mostly I saw good in this book! It's got a lot going for it and you will learn a lot from this site.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

I always appreciate YA fiction that is written intelligently, with a broad use of vocabulary and an intricate and multi-level plot. You have all of this in your wonderful story. The first chapter has all the elements you need to entice and hook a reader. Really, this is just very well written. One small gripe. You use the longer dash too much (--). In my opinion, it's a weak grammatical construct. Normally, you can almost always find a stronger way to show emphasis or a pause. I think it clutters up the prose and seems lazy in a way. My opinion, of course :-). I'd take those out. Aside from that, nothing to complain of here. Good characterization, great dialogue and I feel that I'm in the hands of a talented storyteller. Well done.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, this is a keenly written fantasy adventure. Very believable characters and vivid scenes. Good friction, tension and drama. Cinematic descriptions. Convincing dialogue. Robust plot. Awesome world building. Confident writing. A first rate read. Backed.

Dear Ross Heard,

I cringe when I come across stories of wizards and magic and all that. They are usually so convoluted and ridiculous, but The Merchant’s New Brand is a joy that reads as a classic fable, expertly and finely done, intelligent, a treat.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Ross,
The Merchant's New Brand has a captivating premise and is certain to delight readers of the fantasy genre. Backed with pleasure.

Strong pitch and well drawn characters makes this a must read.


Baked
THE MIND SETTER
Hope you will consider looking at mine

this is a fascinating tale. i kinda wish that the other hadn't died yet, but all in all a very entertaining read.

me

I like the relationship between Karic and Laran and their names. This is an interesting tale that has a good pace and some good hooks to keep the reader engaged. It should do well as it has popular content such as fantasy and magic alongside the way it is written.

Backed,

Lisa

The boys in the den of thieves. This is very intriguing. I like the interplay between the brothers and how they get robbed: "I will not let that villain think he can rob a son of Tarsis and not be punished." Ah, let the adventure begin. So, do you really lack courage and would it have been better if you admitted that you lacked courage? Ah, but then, from where would adventures spring. I'm enjoying this and will come back when I have a little time on my hands. At present, things are just too hectic. Backed for now.

I love the dialogue and the closeness between the brothers. This moves exceptionally well and your period writing is very convincing. Just a suggestion: I would tighten the first graph and eliminate the sameness of the sentences. You are repeating the essence of thew rich and the poor descriptions and lessening its impact. I would not separate the italicized sentence: "how ... did a day trip." I really think this has a great deal of promise.

Brilliant.....
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

This certainly develops well and the tale gains pace quickly and you should do very well with it. I was confused as the brothers chased the thief because "In the centre sat a glowing orb. The three strangers approached it." What strangers? this is the first we have heard of them. This can be simply rectified and it will stop the break in the flow. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

I like the story so far even though I find the dialogue reminiscent of 1930-50's Hollywood...perhaps that's deliberate? Anyway there's a lot of promise in your writing and I wish you luck!
Stewart

Ross,

A good piece of fantasy, well set up and delivered. There's little info-dump, but the setting comes alive nicely.

The main characters develop nicely through the action and there's plenty of action to keep things moving.

A few observations you might like to consider:

--In the first paragraph you have 'bond' where I think it should be 'bound' (unless that's a regional thing);

--the brothers' conversation before chasing the thief seems a little long, surely the rascal would have vanished into the crowd before they got moving; and

--your first referece to the figures in the field is to 'the three strangers', which made me think perhaps they'd been referred to before and thus broke my concentration going back to try and find the reference.

However, the ending to the chapter is great, a strong hook.

Backed.

Hi Ross. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter jumping into the novel pond for the first time, however I can appreciate a good visual, and yours is terrific. I think you're on the right path to make a good, well structured journey.

blessings!
jim
jack & charmian london

Dear Ross
Good action and original storyline...love the pace and well crafted. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha!
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Excellent read. Backed.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Dear Ross, I love most of all that at the end of chapter 4, there is possible romance in the air. :) Your pitch enticed me to read & your tight dialogue & paragraphs kept me reading. :) What a journey. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
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A little info about who the Chaotic Prince and Celestrial Brands are would be nice, as would some background about how the twins got involved.

JMC

Your initial paragraphs brought me into the story. I would do more with your pitch, although what you do have seems to express it well. Lots of action and it moves along well.

THE MERCHANTS NEW BRAND
Nice opening chapter with masses of adventure and action. A good snappy pace speedes it all along. You've drawn good characters in Laran and Kelric the brothers. An interesting YA tale and will appeal to its audience. Backed
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Hi. I'm a YA writer too, and like to check out other YA writers. I enjoyed this story, though it needs a check through for minor errors - eg: You need '... feet were accustomed TO.... ' near the start there. It's hard to write fantasy and not fall foul of the cliches of the genre, but you've done a good job and the first chapter is intriguing enough for me to intend to read on.
Cariad
STONES.

Hi Ross,
I read your opening chapter and thought you've made a very good job of it. There's loads of action and dialogue and the pace rattles along from one scene to the next.

In the opening sentence I though 'bond together' should read 'bound together' or else 'bonded together'.

It's interesting, the feudal heirarchical system benefited the rich and the poor in different ways.Still the same here in Nepal, in many parts.

Kelric and Laran are great characters and we learn how kind and trusting Kelric is by his reaction to the beggar, much to the scorn of his brother.

The robbery and chase are well described as is the fight and the appearance of the mage.

A very good hook to chapter two.

Sorry, I hadn't time to read more, but backed with pleasure.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created most memorable main characters in Kelric and Laran. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Well written and a compelling storyline. Backed.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 2 hours later :)