The Circling Song

Hi Russell,
I picked up your profile scanning through the forum, not noticed you before but I am so pleased that i have finally found this work. Firstly, an interesting cover, can you let me know who did your artwork.
You have captured the theme very well and the dialogue is just right for the era within which it is set. I am not entirely convinced by the first sentence- would you really refer to a (knight?) of the realm as 'Sir Maxwell', would this not have been 'Professor Cavendish', 'Lord Cavendish or just 'Cavendish'. The term may well be correct but it kind of dulls the blade of that opening sentence, if you know what I mean. the only time I have ever met a knighted person, I was instructed to call them 'My Lord'. however i accept that I may be entirely off piste and in any case it does not detract from the story.
This is a really evocative piece of writing and I will put it straight onto my watch list and give you a bucket load of stars. The dialogue and the letter text is immediately authentic and i presume that you have researched this subject and era in depth.
Only read to chapter 4 so far and I have not a clue where this leading me but I sure want to find out.
Will catch up soon.

Perhaps you will be tempted by my WW2 offering in Hellion 2- I would very much welcome your comments on this piece as a fellow war story writer.

regards

Cyrus

What a fascinating slant on the Great War. And why should mathematical prescience have been any less potent than the strategies of generals? I'm no mathematician, but the musings of Pte Lawrence strike me as understated, authentic and poignantly crazy. Enjoyed the epistolatory style, the language, the setting. Six stars and a future shelving from a devotee of Great War literature. Frances K

THE CIRCLING SONG
This is an interesting read. I like the way the story is told from such a combination of perspectives: the soldier himself, the official report of his wounds, a letter from his former work site . . . gives the story a special depth it wouldn’t otherwise have. Changing the type font used by different speakers makes it easy to follow. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

the fourth managed raise the alarm… managed TO raise

part was, in many ways mitigated… either omit the comma or give it a partner

find cover and the barrage being poorly aimed, only… a comma between ‘and’ and ‘the’

as you will do doubt have heard… ‘do’ should be ‘no’

Mr. Lloyd-Jones who became… comma before who

There are a few little slips here and there, but with typos corrected this feels like a very professional piece. I wonder if the prologue is necessary, as I often do. In your work, I think cutting it would get rid of nothing of real import, nothing that I feel would not come out anyway later, and it would allow us to get to the heart of the matter sooner. As you start with a casualty account after the prologue, and then a medical account of an injury, I feel it important not to dally too long. Cutting the prologue might help, even though it was well done.

This is an intriguing piece. It is hard to sustain interest, I think, with this sort of format, but I think you do a good job.

SF42 review

This is a very curious novella indeed. I really liked it and read the whole lot. The unusual WW1 story of Henry Lawrence is told by way of correspondence, diaries and other papers. I think it is very, very cleverly done and there is enough of a hook to link all the disparate accounts and keep one reading. I found the letters, chronicles, etc all convincing as the characters all have their own voices, and I am full of admiration at the way they all meshed together in the end.

I must confess that I didn’t understand the references to Kirchov and how Lawrence was able to ‘see’ things mathematically, but that didn’t matter.

In Ch.7, Major Dr James Pennyworth addresses Dr Caroline Charteris as ‘Mrs Charteris’. Is this deliberate? These days one would use her professional title (although it is amusing when people don’t, so I did laugh when I saw this). In Ch.8, after he’s met her, he addresses her as ‘Dr Charteris’.

Having read of the book, I finally understand your contribution to my ‘Plug your book using its T.I.T.L.E.’ thread. Very good. :-)

There were a few typos (ie not annotated by ‘sic’), which I will send you in a message. I wish you luck with this and am happy to back it.

Hi Russell

I'm afraid I can't really offer much in the way of comments. This is very well written, with the only mistake I noticed being at the start of chapter 2 - 'managed (to) raise the alarm'. I did have a bit of trouble when Lawrence suddenly went from normal 1st person to writing in the 3rd person - I didn't know him well enough to remember his name was Lawrence, and so when it dawned on me as a little odd, I had to go back to the start to check the name. I don't know if perhaps chapter 1 and 2 could be swapped, and still retain the effect?

The only other thing I can think to mention is that although I quite like this style of telling us the story through letters and documents and his journal, it might get a bit tiresome throughout an entire book. Personally, I would interject some 'normal' narrative and dialogue, etc, every now and then in between some of these chapters. Not from Lawrence's POV, as that would weaken the effect of the documents - perhaps even a minor character, like an assistant of the doctor or mathematician. But I don't know - I'll stop rambling before I start suggesting adding in an alien invasion or something.

All-in-all very well written; I just have a small concern a lot of readers will tire of this kind of format before they get to the end. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have time to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

SF42 Feedback

I've read the first five chapters.

Firstly let me share a coincidence. My mother-in-law's maiden name was Lawrence and three of her uncles were killed as very young men in that terrible war. Henry Lawrence survived the war and was my wife's grandfather; he was 28yrs old in 1914. No relevance at all to my feedback, just a strand of quantum weirdness that seems to have leaked from your story.

It's the format of this short novel that I've spent most of my time thinking about. You've used an armoury of formats to deliver the story and that makes this very interesting. By the time I left the story at the end of chapter 5 I was conscious that I'd not really met Private Lawrence properly. Everything about him is reported through letters/journals/memoirs/newspapers etc . His own letters tended to be a bit too brief to establish a solid connection for me. But maybe that disconnection/remoteness adds to the whole mystery of his ability. Five chapters is not enough for me to reach a firm conclusion....I'd better read more. It's a very intriguing tale.

I scribbled some notes as I was reading that you might find mildly interesting, or not -

1. The first chapter is very powerful. I did struggle a bit with the fractured writing but I can see what you're doing. There's quite a lot of different punctuation which made it stutter in my head. That's probably the effect you're trying to create but it did stop me on my first attempt to read your book. I thought it was going to be one of those high brow literary books that I wouldn't have a chance of understanding. I was wrong.
2. All these sentences beginning with 'And'.....I keep hearing my old English teacher banging on and on about that sort of thing. It probably doesn't matter these days.
3. Chapter 2 - the casualty form doesn't seem to give the name of the soldier.
4. I keep wondering if all these letters are a device to make the writing easier for you. Letters mean you don't have worry so much about dialogue and the scene setting because a letter generally gets straight to the point. If this is a cunning writing device it's a brilliant one. Am I just being cynical?
5. When dialogue is introduced into a letter you're asking us to accept that the doctor is carefully writing the conversation down. That would be a bit odd.
6. Chapter 5 gives 3 different accounts of the same event. I'm just wondering if the newspaper report is necessary.

I will return to this later. I'm now going to have a look at what others have said about the format of your novel.

Gareth

Your work is outstanding, Russell. You deserve all of the stars.

Elina
CLASH - A Novel of Extremes

Russell,
Your pitch is enticing and i found myself reading to the end of chapter three. Circling Song is an unusual read for me, as it involves journals kept during a war of which i know nothing of, but i found the overall story very compelling. These journals painfully express the atrocities of war and the effect of it on exceptional soldiers such as Private Henry Lawrence. I must say i'm curious to see where the story leads, so i will come back and read some more and rate at that time.
The font on the three chapters i read was inconsistent, perhaps to retain the journals authenticity, however,
i would humbly suggest that if this is to become a novel, the font be made equal throughout. And then again perhaps not.:)
A very engaging read that brings to mind how thankful we should all be, for our freedom.
Best,
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Russell, you have an intriguing story here which you tell in an unusual and engaging way. You write well. Your opening line entices the reader into the narrative. The mystery is very appealing. You do, however, make several historical and factual errors very early on (I have only read a few chapters).

The trench in which Lawrence finds himself lying could not have had rotting leaves in it, especially not in the Ypres sector. The ground was very wet due, as much as anything, to the high water table. And I have never read of leaves in a trench anywhere on the Western Front. What you describe is more like a ditch than a trench.

No one mounted any sort of raid in October 1914. Minor actions along the front line occurred all through the autumn of 1914 but the first raids did not take place until 9/10 November, firstly by the 2nd Black Watch on the morning of the 9th, then by the 39th Garhwal Rifles of the Indian Corps on the night of the 9th/10th. The Germans did not mount a raid until the early summer of 1915.

The First Battle of Ypres was an offensive operation mounted by the Germans on 20 October 1914. The date you give for Lawrence’s wounding preceded First Ypres by two days. It is very unlikely the Germans would have mounted a mortar barrage of significance (if at all) at this date as they had very few mortars (the BEF had practically none until well into 1915). Similarly with loophole plates; very very unlikely in autumn 1914. The British began to use them by the end of the year.

The reason I know about these things is because, as a military historian, I write about them. I urge you to look again at the historical accuracy throughout, which isn’t yet quite on the mark, what is otherwise a good story.

Still reading, but have read enough to back ...


Eddie Crockett
THE SALLEE ROVERS

Informative and entertaining The Circling Song by Russell Cruse is an intriguing read. Told through many modes of correspondence (including journals, letters, and various types of reports, sections of memoirs) the story moves along at a rapid place. The main character, a WWI soldier recovering from an excessive head wound, is a fascinating study, as readers observe him, they are also asked to observe the laws of the universe with new eyes and new ears. Satellite characters come alive around this man with his unusual abilities. Tensions build as the other men do not now what to make of him and the doctors interact with him. All the stars – Would love to get this in my personal lib. once published! ~ a

I just wrote a long comment and it seemed to have disappeared. Oh well, here's the gist. I read the first three chapters and found a remarkable novel, not the usual one that is seen of the First World War. Through the opening with Lawrence's journal on to correspondence, medical reports, army records and excerpts fromhistory books the reader slowly learns of Lawrence's unusual situation and view on life. The use of these tools to tell the story gives the novel a certain distance from Lawrence, as if the reader is trying like the doctors to understand Lawrence who seems to be viewing the world from a different perception than anyone else. It's as though he as opened another "door of perception." How is someone with this new vew able to see the horror of war, the underlying premise of the novel. The three chapters are extremely well written and clevely reveal Lawrence's condition and the doctors' struggle to understand it while creating a solid sense of the setting and time period. The underlying research of the time period and the medical practices then shines through in the confident style. I think it's unusual enough to attract some attention and I see that it's more a novella than a novel which would help in sustaining the general reader through the various letters, reports and other storytelling tools (well that's what a publisher might think) I myself find this very very good and had no problem with it. Kristin

Russell,
"The Circling Song" takes shape from assorted correspondence pieced together like quiltwork into an amazing whole displaying wonderful imagery, drawing on emotions, making social commentary. The person you create of what's left of Private Henry Lawrence salvaged from the trenches is sympathetic albeit strange and a subject of scientific study. His human frailities shine through and make us cheer him on. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Cruse, this is a really interesting way to tell a story and you do it very well. Normally, I'd give some detail to my analysis, but your style is so amazing, I think I'm going to leave it be. It's really wonderfully written. And, I am uncharacteristically at a loss for words because it really is that good.

Good luck with this!

Lauri
The Willow Branch

May I add one slight worry. At 27,000 it is really short for a publisher to accept it as a full novel - but it is perfect as it is. It is far, far more than a long short story, much too much depth and layering, beautifully handled within the wordage. In a way it is also too layered to be a novella, which is really what its length makes it. You may have to hunt for a market - unless you have something similar which could be bundled with it.

Margaret

Dear Russell, - You clever, clever man! This is the first book I have read in which the format, the presentation of a series of documents produced on clumsy manual typewriters, actively encourages errors - and so justifies your own. I am not talking of Lawrence's stumblings but of the occasional repetitions and omissions which would indeed exist in typed sheets and which help to authenticate them. It is easy to correct such mistakes on screen, but then you would have to recreate the entire page, which all too often would introduce other errors... Normally I am very picky about typographical errors, but your documentation technique, oddly, made me fully accepting of them because that is what you do find in documents. As I said, very clever indeed, especially as you still manage to show how thoroughly all your writers, including the privates, had been drilled in sound basic English grammar and spelling. (With one exception below)

You also manage to convey different styles of writing of the time - and the repetition of 'that' is one of the quirks - and of the vivid characters producing the letters and diaries, while interleaving charming personal stories and relationships as a sane background for the horrifically insane trenches. I am no scientist or mathematician, but I just about kept abreast of the allusions having a physicist husband. It is no bar to any reader, though. Once I began I simply could not stop reading. Thank you for a wonderful read.

The only error I would suggest you check up on is one that became obvious to me because it exists not in just one character's writing but in all of them, a cavalier use of commas. They would have used far more commas than we do today, but repeatedly you missed out a comma either before or after an insertion. If you go through the text looking for an insertion, or extra, (this is an e.g.) and use a pencil to ring it, you will see where you omit the comma. Two (the old way) or none (more often used today) is okay, one leaves it lop-sided. There were also places were a comma was inserted where it created a false hesitation in the flow of the sentence. - It seems such a small quibble in such a great book, but with that sorted I cannot imagine that it will remain unpublished.

Starred highly, and I will shelve this very soon.

Margaret

The Circling Song 1-4.
Reading this was such a pleasant surprise. In fact, It has been on my watch list for some time, but I was initally put off by the font. (You open with a font generally used by scriptwriters.) And my feeling is still that you need a font more in keeping with the period, and the hand-written character of the texts.
The first chapter is masterful, and very moving, especially the way you show the personality change in Pte Lawrence. Masterful too, is the way you succeed in maintaining suspense, throughout a narrative consisting entirely of texts. My only whinge would be, and it's just me, that I'd like Pte Lawrence's personal voice to return between the texts, perhaps through a continuation of his journal. My worry being that, through the doctors, he could turn into a case study rather than a character. I yearn to know of his personal life aside from the savantism. Am intrigued enough to read on though, and I will. Highly starred and watchlisted. It'll climb onto my shelf at some point, after i take down the current 5 novellas.

Julia
REVOLUTION, I LOVE YOU

Russell, I am not into war, but I just had to keep reading. The Circling Song reads like a History Channel documentary. I am backing it.
Marjorie Wilhelmsen
Exact Places

The Circling Song

Hello Russell,

You've been on my watchlist for quite a while and I am consuming your prose in bite-sized chunks as I let my creative circuits recharge between re-writing my own book. I have been around on authonomy for a while, a bit of a dinosaur I suppose and I don't do pointless, smiley blather, but always try to offer something as a point of development, hopefully supportively phrased. I have so far read the prologue and will come back to read some more. These are my thoughts on what I've experienced of this world you are weaving for us, so far.

I like the first person stuff, it is strong and you develop your character well in the sparse segment of his experience you have chosen to share with us. You give us just enough in your descriptions for our imaginations to hang off, snatched glimpses of such visceral experiences are much more effective than dwelling for sentences on what is going on. You do four words sentences well but your prologue suffers enormously from a blight of thats. In the first paragraph alone I counted at least four I wanted to expunge and I think you could make this paragraph even tighter.

For example:

Sir Maxwell told me I should keep a journal. He says it may help. I don't think so. Although he is an approachable gentleman and not so stuffy as one might think, he is a doctor and, although I'm sure he wants to help, I believe his true motive is to try and understand what is wrong with me.

What is wrong with me? Wrong?

To be alive, to be whole, to have regained consciousness; what could possibly be wrong? Only later did I realize I might not be the same man I'd been only hours before and then, as darkness swooped in to offer me some blessed relief from myself, that that man was indeed gone forever. Just as shocking was soon I would not care.

It may seem impertinent to make these suggestions, but I was caught up nicely in the strength of your characters voice and I thought I'd play around with it, zapping those thats, apart from that (oops) second to last line of course.

I will continue to read on and will support your book soon, a great dollop of British luck to you Sir.

Best wishes
Andrew W
Benevolence

On Marita's socialising thread, I saw you say you were hesitant to tell your publishing friends about your book. I couldn't resist, so I had a peek.

I'll be contrary to some of your other reviews and say that I actually like the format. However, I probably am not the average reader. The format gives a distance that makes it easier for me to read about war stuff. I usually run from that topic, but the letter and medical report format gives just enough distance that I kept reading. Autho chapter 5 brought tears, though, so it's not like I am not connecting with Lawrence. It's one of those books I couldn't stop reading, and I read all the way through in one sitting. I think it's different and very well done.

I know nothing about markets, never read the pitches, so can't be of much help in that way, but I would never be ashamed to tell people I wrote it if I were you. I found it deeply touching, interesting, and very different from the norm. And I *love* different.

Best of luck,

J

BHG Review:

I didn't know what to make of the short pitch. It wasn't bad, it just didn't draw me in. The long pitch on the other hand, I thought did a wonderful job of informing the reader of the plot. Still not something I would seek out to read but it did sound to me as interesting enough for a certain readership. Okay, now on to the chapters.

Also, I’d like to note I generally have a hard time enjoying books that are told in form of letters -- I was reading Brick Lane a while back and really loved the book until it got to the section where the protagonist's sister’s story is told in the form of letters -- I gave up after about 5 letters … but it will be interesting to see here if I have a different reaction.

I CERTAINLY do have a different reaction --- The introduction was really, really wonderful and now as I read on and have fallen into the story I fear that my comments will be wanting. I in fact, feel non-qualified to say that this work is BRILLIANT even though it at once appears to me to be so.

Characterization: Private Lawrence is such an interesting character one that I envy you for having created. You have developed him very well, slowly peeling away the reader’s curiosity as to his condition without it seeming obvious. Starting with his physical condition, his little skips and his savant behavior, I feel that I have a sense of what the outsiders see of him and how they are struggling to make sense of his behavior/condition. But because I have the privilege of the long pitch I know slightly more which peeks my curiosity even more.

I thought your descriptions of Private Lawrence were so wonderfully told in different viewpoints. The smile caught my attention and even its misunderstood relevance by Cavendish when he describes Pte Lawrence's mood.

Pacing: The pacing works. You are moving the story line along at a very captivating pace. Not to quickly nor slowly.

I read five chapters and I must say this is definitely a book I'd buy and enjoy reading. You've done it justice by taking the time to lay it out in such a wonderfully interesting way for the reader. It’s one of those books that you read and buy into the author's love of his craft. It is not writing for writings sake, rather than for a profound love in the telling.

-----
Some Nits:
Chapter One: Item: 23/11/14 Letter. George Griffin to Pte. Lawrence ---
First paragraph, third sentence: you write -- As you will do doubt have heard.
Should be: As you will NO doubt have heard ...
(unless the typo is intentional in the letter ... though i figured it would be unnecessary)

Ch 4: Spring 1915/ Pennyworth's Medical Journal
First para: you write -- acquired a several months ago. Omit "a"

Again, this was such a delightful read. Starred and will back in time.
Best, Kari

Hi Russell. Your chosen style of storing telling will be a limiting factor straight away with a possible readership. I believe it should be converted to a standard narrative style. The pitch is great for a solid science fiction audience, but it didn't prepare me for the story, which felt like a history lesson. Between the two above factors I gave up after three Chapters :(

i finished the first couple entries of you piece "The Circling Song", you capture that magnificent british formality and eloquence i have often admired in the correspondences, and i think the epistological approach is very effective to a point, but i am not sure it will hold the average reader's attention fully enough, at a couple points too I ask myself as I read would so much early attention be placed on this private in a war where so many are being wounded and killed, but perhaps, this is one place where i think your summary of the story plays a role in enticing readers, the subject of quantam realities is a hot subject and so many want insight into this world, i would rather have some real time scenes or perhaps even subject matter related to but not focused on the characters introduced between the letters, all in all though it is good writing and interesting subject matter, i am putting it on my watch list becuase i realize i need to read more of it to make any judgement on it, if you get a chance look at one of my pieces "ghost dance" or "crow diary"

Hi Russell

New member to the BHG so forgive me if I get this wrong. This is purely my opinion and you may use what I say anyway you wish.

Pitch: I like it, it's intriging but not compelling. It seems clunky and dull in the sense that it is bogged down in too much information. It tells me nothing about the actual story and would put off a lot of people who have no interest in science. For a lot of people the mere mention of that subject sends them running for the hills in horror. Tell me more about the characters journey since you'll be telling me about the physics throughout hte book.

Prologue: I like the poem. It sets up the scene beautifully. I like the idea of the journal and how you have used the medium. Most people put too much backstory in to a diary piece but this is just right. The language is beautiful and poetic in its simplicity of use. I like the first part of the entry, the way it introduces the dr and our MC opinion of him. The second part gave me difficultly. You start off by saying 'Although it is not visible, I can clearly remember everything from before; home, parents, friends, comrades.' How is remembering visible or how would it be shown visually? This is followed by: 'The thoughts make pictures in my mind, yet before, of course, there was no “seeing” as I see now.'. To me this means he is seeing what he remembers, so this doesn't quite flow. The bit about "seeing" and "knowing" needs to be expanded on slightly. I know what you mean because I have a similar gift to your character in my ability to sense things around and suddenly know things without any way of having been giving that information. Others haven't. How is his seeing different? What is it that he sees differently? People's aura's, spectres with people? I also think he is too accepting of this new ability. It's scary because you have no idea what it means. It wold be very confusing for him at first because he has to redefine himself now. This information would give me a better understanding of why he can't see some of the injured men in CH3. I love the way you bring in the "old" Lawrence to reinforce the change in him. I think the ending is a bit defeatest considering he was so grateful to be alive at the beginning. For someone who is so determined, he appears to give up too easily. Maybe have him say that he is finding it hard but that he will persevere.

CH2: I love it. The start is so true to form and realistic. The only issue I have is with the letter. The character mentions this firm but what firm and what does this have to do with the MC? Is this the place he worked at before? Maybe end the letter with George Griffin's job title and company name. A part from that I have no critique to give.

CH3: wonderful. I love the way you hint at the MC's ability here. Although I do think maybe you could add in more about why he wanted to have the ability removed. To have this kind of gift at first is terrifying. You keep seeing or knowing things and you don't know how or why so you fight it. It is over time that you learn to control and therefore accept the gift that it becomes 'normal'. He appears to accepting here.

Plot – fantastic. Flows beautifully and draws the reader along nicely. The pages just turn themselves. It is also lively and sets the tone beautifully for the age. And the language itself is a master piece. This should be the level all new books aspire to.

Pacing – Fabulous, a part from one or two areas where a little bit more information would be useful.

Characters/Characterization - I think the voice of Lawrence has yet to be established and more is needed to endear me to him. As for the Dr's, well spoken, well thought out and fits perfectly with the time.

Point of View/Voice - POV is perfect and unique. The voice is exactly right.

Style – Refreshing take on the subject. I love how you have used the manner of communication used in those days to tell us the story. It makes it real.

Sentence level – I am willing to bet from the level of your English that you are an English teacher in some form. Or at the very least have taken it upon yourself to know the langauge as any true master should.

Dialogue - Although there is no dialogue in the traditional sense, I like the way the letters themselves are dialogue. They are clear and easy to follow and provide the right amount of information to keep us intriged and the story flowing.

Originality - Completely original. Nothing more can be said really.

Publishability - You may have difficulty getting this published due to the sheer uniqueness of the story as well as the manner in which it's presented. It does not conform to any of the current genres. That said, if this is published, it will create a new genre much the same way Dan Brown has done. I, for one, would love to own this book.

Well done. this is a remarkable book and makes me very envious.

regards
JD

Russell, this has to be one of the most unusual books I've ever read. Certainly, I've not seen anything like it on this site! I read the entire book.
Only just over 27,000 words, making it difficult to categorise, but the depth of your research and the manner in which you present the material are remarkable. I was almost overwhelmed by the disparate points of view - that's not a criticism, it's admiration at your skill as a writer. As for the content: well, obviously it's cleverly thought out, but there'll inevitably be areas which will overwhelm those of your readers without a fascination with Mathematics and quantum physics.
I'm slightly concerned by your pitches. Yes, they tell me you're a clever fellow and give an idea of the complex nature of the book, but did they compel me to read more? No, not really. There's scope here for simplification; focus on the story and the sheer 'difference' of the book. I'd never presume to suggest specific changes - you're such a talented writer you can do it yourself, but it's a concern of mine, as a reader.
I'm hugely impressed by your ability as a writer. Your story is, necessarily, disjointed, but rewards the dedicated reader. As a single piece of writing, it succeeds, massively. As for ever becoming a commercial prospect on a large scale; I doubt it. That doesn't make it any less of an achievement, but I'd class it as a niche project. Brilliant, beautifully conceived and prodigiously researched, but unlikely to attain mass appeal.
I loved this. Consider me a fan. I'll return, re-read, with great pleasure. A book like 'The Circling Song' is one of the joys of Authonomy - where else could I read an unpublished work of this quality. Respect, sir, respect!
Jake

A BHG crit.
Your pitches have me intrigued. I once waded my way through Schrodingers Cat in an effort to sort-of understand the business of quantum mechanics and relativity, but my old arty brain found it too much, although it must have absorbed something of the mystery.

Ch.1. Compelling, poetic words. A vivid fragment of the battlefield, and a hook to lure us on.

Ch.2 A clinical report of what happened, and an ordinary letter from Lawrence's firm. An unusual format to advance your plot, but it works for me.

Ch.3. Ah-ha... my prior readings tell me this is something to do with disappearing and physics, not poor sight. I had to google savantism. A prodigy with numbers, naturally aware of mathematical certainties, and shapes and distances as well as sounds. I am totally intrigued, and have to read on.

Ch.4. Who are you, Russell Cruse? You give away nothing, yet seem to understand what is going on in Lawrence's mind.

Back to the crit. I've nothing to say, except you know how to catch this reader's attention. I've never read anything like Circling Song in my life. You have me totally absorbed.
I'm putting you on my w/list to read to the end, with multi stars. I might even find space to back you when I've fulfilled all my other obligations. But I doubt you will attract any mainstream publishers with your story.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

Brutal Honesty Crit.
I very much liked the premise and have thoroughly enjoyed the 6 chapters I have read. I congratulate you on getting the personalities and the historic tone throughout all the exchange of letters and reports. You must have researched well and it has paid off.
Your MC is an ideal vehicle to develop special powers. he was considered an oddball before the injury. At first I wanted the letters to end and the narrative to begin, but after Ch2 I was happy to extract the developments from this disparate information.
the idea of constructing a novel, delineating the plot via the multiple perspectives is ambitious. I quake at the thought as I had enough difficulty ensuring I had the historic tone and personality of my main character. YOu have achieved it, and I will certainly back your novel on this basis. I am sure you continue as well.
On the negative side, you haven't shown such care in your pitch. It is as if you don't value your own voice nearly as much as the voices of you 1914 characters! You could put all this information so much more succinctly and artfully. You could phrase it so that it does not put off potential readers as I fear it may as it stands.
the above paragraph does have a bearing on publishability. Your pitch may not get your book to a reader for an agent or publisher, and that would be a shame.
Is it finished? I didn't go to 14 to check.
Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

I very much like the sound of this book from your pitch and will be putting it on my watchlist. I came across it via a forum thread about book covers. You did the same thing as me to avoid any copyright issues by designing your own cover using your own photograph. It looks great.

Clive
The Pyramid Legacy

This is so clever and feels so authentic. Two very minor points - would the 'th' in 13th be a smaller font. And rather is spelt rater at one point, though of course you might be leaving in spelling mistakes to add to the authenticity.

I want to add this to my shelf but there's no space. I'll star it and put it on, when there's room.

New member of the Brutal Honesty Crit Group :) Nice to meet you!

What an intelligent read! This is going on my shelf for sure!
Opening--The narrative flow was all there for me as was your character's voice which intrigued me and kept me reading.
Characterization--I like my characters to make me feel things. So far I feel intrigued. I'm still getting to know them. I'm enjoying figuring out their dynamics.
Suggestion--Hmmm... It takes off at a leisurely pace which added a certain elegance to it, but after a while I felt like it dragged down the story. Characterization was what kept me reading. Would you consider streamlining it more? Here's a small example of where I thought some cutting down would pick up the pace: The paragraph that starts although it is not visible... I felt like it could be cut down and made more concise and thus more powerful. Some of the repetition could be cut down too maybe?
Originality-- You scored lots of points with me on this one. Your concept feels very fresh to me.

I hope all of that is helpful!

BH Critique

The same thing that makes this story interesting, makes it difficult to read. It is also difficult to use the BH Critique format but I will do my best.


Plot – An intriguing and engaging plot told in a unique format.

Pacing - It was not until the third chapter that I understood the point of the story and started to enjoy the narrative. Many readers will give up before that point.

Characters/Characterization: WHile the reader can understand the personality of the characters, it is in a detached sort of way that makes it difficult to feel empathy.

Point of View/Voice The rotating points of view are a beautiful device although they lend easily to confusion. I have reluctantly used a rotating first point of view in some of my own stories but many readers find that offputting.

Style – I really enjoy this style, but it requires a lot of work to read.

Sentence level: The use of formal language lends to the authenticity of the characters but reduces its accessibility

Dialogue: The use of dialogue within the letters is brilliant.

Originality: I have yet to read a story like this, though there are a few classic authors who used correspondence to relate stories.

Publishability :I believe this story would be well received by literati but would do poorly in the mass market.

I know this will probably sound ridiculous, but I can't think of a better way to phrase it. I believe this story is too good to sell in the market. However the well educated and literary lovers will adore it.

Hi, I was drawn by the pitch having studied quantum physics, astrophysics and maths at university. I have only just begun reading but I enjoy the polished way in which it is written and the vehicle of the reports/journal. I will definitely back it when I have space on my shelf in a few days. In the meantime it's on my WL - even though it's not seafaring historical fiction!
LFK
Mannin Boy

Hello Russell, This is an extremely well written unusual but enjoyable read; a unique concept in journal form. I read several chapters and will read more when time permits. I will definitely be putting it on my shelf when there is room. It is a harsh reminder of WWII sacrifices. Please remind me if I forget.
Good luck with this.
Would you mind taking a look at either of my stories, please? PAPER DREAMS or A PASSING STORM.
Best wishes to you.

Phyllis

Notes as I go:

the poem/prologue -- doesn't do much for me. I'm not involved.
Chapter 1 -- Henry Lawrence's journal, but Lawrence referred to in the third AND first person. I may be too dumb for this!
Chapter 2 -- Griffin is telling the reader about several people I don't know and don't care about. I also don't know what their relationship was to Lawrence.
Chapter 3 I'm finding the correspondence between Cavendish and Pennyworth a bit more intriguing. It may be the voice. The previous part of the chapter with the recorded speech didn't do it for me. You'd be better off offering direct dialogue.
Chapter 4 This is where it begins to get interesting to me. I'm wondering whether this should be your starting point?
Chapter 5 -- I'll admit, I barely skimmed here. I'm getting frustrated trying to figure out where this is going.

Overall impression:
I realize I'm probably not doing my duty as a member of the Brutal Honesty Brigade, but all I can offer is my opinion.
I liked your pitch, but found something a little challenging about it. This was borne out when I tried the first few chapters. I think the multiple pov up front distances us from the characters -- or at any rate the protagonist. I thought fairly quickly of Slaughterhouse-5. I read it many years ago but still remember Vonnegut's narrative voice taking me through it and my sympathy for poor Billy Pilgrim. There's something distancing in your first few chapters, off putting to this reader, in any case. I began to see your soldier more clearly in Chapter 4. Might I suggest you start off with a chapter that brings the reader closest to him? I think if we can buy the character, and like him, we can buy the story. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of pomo touches including letters, journals, etc. But as a reader, the typewriting font is hard on the old eyes and too many pov's introduced too soon becomes confusing. Talent you have, and there's a book here for sure, but there's work to do.

BH Critique

I read the whole thing. Mainly because i wanted to and also because I found little to fault, so the only unknown was the plot.

Plot – This I think is the weakest part. The idea is interesting and the story is told well, but there seems not enough conflict (even though there is a war!) for the characters. SPOILER ALERT I think the overall idea that Lawrence eventually tires of trying to tell people what is obvious to him and eventually takes matters into his own hands is good. My biggest issue is that it's all a bit easy. The trouble with supermen is that you have to invent kryptonite, and I think this may be the problem. He seems infallible, his only wrong step being the destruction of a book that is rapidly replaced. I don't want to make suggestions, but if you were looking to make the book longer then this might be one area you could work on.

Pacing – Perfect for me. Though an urgent flurry of letters to get Lawrence off a death sentence would add a bit of extra drama (there, I said I wasn't going to suggest ideas...)

Characters/Characterization -- Very good. I'm impressed with how the characters came through in their writing. The only issue for me is the doctors all sound quite similar. I understand they all have the same training and the same education, and they're all writing formal letters, but I do think it is something worth thinking about. The others are all great.

Point of View/Voice -- The actual point of view in this book is of someone reading a collected series of papers. We get individual POVs in each of the letters, but overall we are some unknown person (ie the reader) who has just collected a series of writings and has to try to understand them. It works for me. Each character in their writing is genuine.

Style – Unusual, but not unheard of. One of this type that springs to mind is Dracula. It also reminds me of the old computer game Myst. If you put all the scraps of information gathered together in Myst in one book I think it would look a lot like this. I am not sure whether it's worth mucking about with the order of the letters. What would happens if the memoirs came at the end as an extended epilogue. You have to try it and see.

Sentence level – Never had to read a single sentence twice. The mark of excellence.

Dialogue -- Not applicable really. Mostly reported speech, and a few 'remembered' conversations.

Originality -- The idea of a person who can solve all the world's troubles but is doomed to death is probably not all that original (The first four books of the New Testament are rather repetitive about one such individual). But it is an interesting take on the theme and a wonderful way of telling it. I like the idea that the reader has to almost do a bit of detective work to follow the story.

Publishability --For me this means the quality of the manuscript: at the moment there are a few typos and small errors in it. Your comma usage might be worth looking at as well. We can, for the sake of verisimilitude, expect none of the letters to be perfect, but as with real people, they should all be prone to their own errors. I would just remove the (sics) altogether the reader has already been given enough info about Lawrence's deficiencies to read his letters straight. You should also check the usage of the reflexive myself vs the objective me, in general you find less educated people using 'myself' in place of 'me' in an attempt to seem more educated, but it was a common usage during the 19th century. I have a feeling Fowler might be responsible for prescriptivism here, but you characters may have preferences. One typo I noticed that I was surprised to see was 'regred': it should have been picked up by your spell checker, check you haven't added it to your user dictionary by mistake.

Marketability -- What I think they mean here by 'publishability'. I think this book is beautifully written. As it is I would buy it. But it does disappoint in the overall plot. If you could add to it by presenting the protagonists with a few more hurdles then it would be a terrific catch for any publisher.

Overall. Top notch. the best writing I've read here. I think a stronger plot would get it six stars, but I give it five, and it's on the shelf until I find five better books... Could be a while...

I read your first four Authonony chapters.

General comments: An engaging start to what appears to be a compelling story. An intriguing main character. Excellent attention to detail. Thought-provoking narrative. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) There are two exclamation marks in the first paragraph of the journal. Do people normally use exclamation marks in journals?

Specific comments on Autumn 1914:
1) The first sentence of Griffin's 23/11/14 letter to Lawrence is punctuated with an exclamation mark. That's now two different characters with a fondness for exclamation marks ... or is the author fond of them?

Specific comments on Winter 1914-1915:
1) ' ... I turned and saw Lawrence standing at the door of Ward 7 He turned and ... ' Period after '7.'
2) Cavendish also uses exclamation marks.
3) ' ... (although, I confess, he is possessed of a somewhat refreshing simplicity) Nevertheless, he is otherwise ... ' Period after 'simplicity).'
4) Pennyworth also uses exclamation marks.
5) 'More and more things are revealed and in subtly different ways, now' ratcheted up my interest in Lawrence.

Specific comments on Spring 1915:
1) 'I have seen him essaying sketching and using watercolours ... ' Comma after 'essaying.'

I hope this critique helps you polish these all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" in shape for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you read a chapter or two and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a great day.

Al

BH Crit, feel free to reciprocate.

The first chapter was very engaging. I was pulled right in and wanted to know what happens next. It was fluid and the narrative was strong and haunting.

Chapter 2 didn't load for some reason. I tried 4 times, not sure what's going on there.

Chapter 3, again, well written. But the letters were slowing me down with so much information not vital to the story. Cavendish, Maxwell, and Pennyworth all the had the same voice. It was hard to understand their purpose (aside from the doctor's of course) in the story. But curiosity kept me going. The first chapter (Lawrence's POV) was interesting enough to keep me going.
Bit here's where you lost me: The girl is 19. And the doctor immediately assumes Lawrence did some fantastic mathematical calculation. Why didn't the Dr. think Lawrence might have guessed? It's easy enough to guess a 19 year old's age. Why would Dr. immediately accept the fantastical?

I gave you 6****** cuz that's how the site works.

Interesting way of setting up a story. Very slow to get going. I found myself skipping paragraphs. Still an interesting story though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

Brutal Honesty Group

I hope I can give some perspective that you can use. The story is written in a unique way, which breaks from the norm and can be something good or people just might resist it. I read up to chapter 3, and I am probably not the target audience, but hope my comments help.

Plot/Pacing: Commenting by my likes and dislikes when it comes to reading, I think the story opened slow for me and I did skim ahead constantly through other chapters to see if the pacing changed. With the style and way you have created the story, it was hard for me to keep on reading, I would love dramatic scenes mixed in if possible. I think the first three chapters, the first one most importantly, have to give that roller coaster feel of pacing and hook that interest for readers.

Character/Characterization: You gave me plenty of characterization, however, It was hard for me to grasp true character. The way the story is created with letters, It is missing the scenes where a characters is placed in conflicts or crisis where he/she must make choices that define true character, not the characterizations.

Point of View/Voice: As for voice, it is something I myself have to rewrite constantly to really have each character find their individual voice compared to my authoritative voice. This just maybe my view, but all the characters seemed to fall into the one voice. You have a formal way of writing, and it may be the time period that defines the voices of characters, but if there could be more distinction between them, I believe it would help out a bit more. You are consistent with mood and style of speaking, yet you don't want to clone this for every character.

Sentence Level: Fantastic writing, wish I could be as good.

Dialogue: This one was a hard one for me, with the time and period. Again it may also be with voice, your writing is formal and they (for this reader at least) had no distinction. With the style you have, you also have large blocks and paragraphs with dialog nudged in every now and then. I did have to backtrack to make sure I knew who the dialog belonged to.

Originality: I think style is the big help here and the way you bring the reader into the story and interesting powers.

Publishability: I have to read more, but I think where I left of at chapter three will be the driving force of increasing your chances by building the intrigue.

Hope the feedback helps, great writing and best of luck!
- William

Hi. I only had time to read short passages, enough to like and back it. I’ll try to come back for more and in depth commentary. Tell me which chapter you would like me to pay close attention to?
Meantime, could you please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN?
Thanks.
Dan

A Brutally Honest Review

Russell,
This is amazing - a really publishable masterpiece which is a delight to read. It has a brilliant, original and intriguing story and is very cleverly written.

The one glaring weakness in the six chapters I have read is your pitch; you are a wonderful story teller but obviously not as commercially minded as you need to be to achieve the backings/recognition within the industry that this novel deserves. The mention of quantum physics in the short pitch IS off putting and the first paragraph of the long pitch tells me nothing about the book and, quite frankly, confuses me. Can I suggest that you seek help/advice with this? Or read how literary war writers like Pat Barker pitch their books? (I will try to help you more when I get the chance....)

Your Prologue is excellent and provides a memorable start with a harrowing image. Interestingly, hubby's grandfather - who also was a machine gunner at the battle of Loos - told us similar grisly stories about headless corpses. Lawrence's experiences echo the reality. The only word I found disappointing was the 'running from that PLACE' which I found rather tame.

The shift from first person to third was interesting but works well and the more I read of the novel the more I understood why you did it. Pte Lawrence is no longer himself; he has become an enigma whose character, abilities and mind are to be explored by others. Using the letters, memoirs and dispatches of the people who knew him is a brilliant idea and masterly executed. These different voices also allow the readers to gain insight and into a myriad different aspects of the war; the contrast between the jingoistic pride of Griffin and the harrowing image of the deaths of Armitage and Streeter in the Prologue really hit me strongly. I also enjoyed the contrast between the voices of the medical professionals and the voices of the ordinary tommys.

However, the first two letters between Dr. John Garland & Sir Maxwell seemed a little over done; they were overly polite and contained too many extraneous pleasantries. (I was already 'hooked' by Lawrence's story and wanted to get back to it.) I also was a bit concerned at this point about the excessive religiosity of Maxwell - perhaps not totally conducive with his role as a man of science? And certainly not a feature of his later letters. Coming so quickly after all the 'praising' of the Lord by Griffin, I did wonder at this point, if I you had sneaked a 'God book' onto my watch list.

But I stuck with it was was quickly rewarded - the ending of Chapter 3 was amazing.

From then on I cruised (excuse the pun ;) seamlessy on to the end of Chap 6- even calling my husband down to read your description of the battle of Loos. I stopped paying attention to the names of the various Doctors who were writing the letters because I found that it didn't matter, I could follow the storyline and the character development of Lawrence without knowing the author of the epistles. I thoroughly enjoyed this transformation of an ordinary British tommy into the Rain man and I just wish I had more time to read more.

Highly starred and backed.

Best wishes,
Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

Mr. Cruse, I had to read the book twice...not that I'm that 'thick' but because I wan't to get a better sense of the story. I've read and grown up with 'proper' english all my life and it wasn't the problem....the problem for me was maintaining the connection between the characters. I completely understand professor/ student/ patient relationships, but I just couldn't hold it through the reports..I had to keep scrolling up to see who was writing the letter, etc. I would have liked to have heard more from Lawrence about what he was seeing, the analogy of a train passenger was excellent and really helped understand what the 'doctors' were struggling with. One really confusing moment came when the Biography entry of Booth-Carrack from 1936 was dated 05/04/16.

Overall impression: Excellent
Style: Good but a bit slow for anyone not used to the language or not interested in war stories.
Originality: Excellent because who would have thought a bunch of old letters and memos could make a story?
Publishability: Very definitely.
Just one other note: If it was me that had Lawrences' problem I might be extremely frustrated with not being able to make others understand my situation. I could hold in that frustration or let it out...maybe he did by just taking actions that saved the men around him, but it might have shown itself in other ways. Just a thought!
Rick Carter-Squire
Jack, I Am

An absolutely magnificent piece of work. The talk of quantum mechanics in your pitch may be off-putting to some; this is maybe the only thing I would change; it nearly put me off until I started it!
The style is fine. It reads like a late Victorian Gothic ala Bram Stoker but then throws in Dr Rivers and
"Regeneration." There is not a word wasted. I, and all other people who try to write can learn from this Work. You become involved with the characters. However I did wish that Lawrence survived somehow. The inevitable "sad" ending to most WW1 stories can sometimes make you feel you have been there before. But despite that which is just my feelings, I think you have worked a wonder here, sir. I have starred it highly and it will be on my WL until there is available space on my shelf. Regards, Mark.

This is fantastic. I am going to have to make a space on my shelf forthwith. I have no constructive criticism to make. Enjoyed immensely what I read and was left wanting more. There are not many books on this site one can say that about.

Paul House
PIGS

This is fantastic. I am going to have to make a space on my shelf forthwith. I have no constructive criticism to make. Enjoyed immensely what I read and was left wanting more. There are not many books on this site one can say that about.

Paul House
PIGS

What an easy read. Delightful and elegiac are two words that come to mind; delicate, yet touching on profundity with an assurance seldom achieved. This deserves a paying public.

Dear Mr Cruse,

You have, in my opinion created an effortless and idiosyncratic epistolary tome, where the mode of expression suits the material with preternatural accuracy. Richly imagined and sufficiently well researched that I don't want to find any anachronisms, I found it all to easy to pass from chapter to chapter. I wondered if this would be susceptible to a mixed media treatment, with suitable images; or even as a form of graphic novel? I have only one small misgiving, which were the numerous sics (sic). I think it might work if they were handwritten, but in that typeface they looked out of place and were, as noted below, a distraction. The very few 'typographical errors' which I noticed I can handily attribute to the purported authors of the letters, rather than to the author of the work, so I do not find them to be faults; rather the natural result of the pressing concerns of medical necessity on the correspondents.

btw, I like the carillon reference because the first grand carillion in England becomes a war memorial.

In your letters in chapter 4, your use of ' vs " is inconsistent. You sometimes even use double quotes inside double quotes. The "sic" every line got distracting.

Entertaining so far, though a short novella isn't likely to be easy to publish in traditional form.