Illuminate the Sky

Charles,
Illuminate the Sky is a charming romance novel which is sure to appeal to young adults. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with pleasure.

You have a best seller in the making if you could get down to a wee bit of editing. I say that because you have that rare talent that connects a reader to a story. The dialogue comes alive and the setting descriptions are marvellous. The intensity if the Wesley is appealing.

Great read. (By edit, i mean tidy up and tighten up)

Best

HI Charles. I, for one, enjoyed the consistency in your story telling. Pace builds, holds, grabs, doesn't let go. Nice journey. Backed.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

You have a knack of making the mundane seem quite interesting...that's worth backing in itself!
Cheers
Stewart

The first chapter is long but cetainly enjoyed the read. Have it on my WL and rated will get back to it for further reading.

Great little book this one I hope you get to post more soon I love watching a romace unravel.
I stumbled abit on this sentance in chapter 4 -As the sky begins to dark brighter in the star filled sky, the wind rushes through etc etc. Can you dark brighter? its a new one on me. Anyway loved it loved the mush and faltering and getting to know .. just fab

Amelia Gail
a Date In The Diary

Charles, I am just sucker for romance. Illuminate the Sky is a wonderful read filled with real-feel dialogue, fast pace which makes the story moving along quickly - I kept wanting to turn the page to find out what happen in the end. Hope it does well and I hope to buy it on the shelves some day. Love, Hanyxxx

Great, Great, voice--great character personality, and vivid imagery. You might want to cut to the story a little faster to get the readers attention and incorporate the rest in throughout, but I did enjoy what I read. I also adore the cover and title :)

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

This is a deceptively simple but effective piece of writing. In some ways it reminds me of an Indie film in the way it steers clear of unecessary drama. I also like the way it's not too concerned about pace, letting the reader take their time, trusting them to have the intelligence to follow and the attention span to stick with the story.
Good luck with it.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Hello, Charles, hello.

It's fall again, gray and dreary, but you seem to be shining your light on authonomy, so thought I'd check out Illuminate the Sky, a sweet, sad romantic little piece. No, Mama didn't raise a fool.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Illuminate the sky - Hi Charles. Not sure what to say about this. First chapter was a good introduction although it needs some work as someone has already pointed out. I though the second sentence should belong to the second paragraph as it seemed to interrupt the flow of the seasons passing. The second chapter threw me completely. You start with 1st person, then start to mix 1st and 3rd. One sentence you are saying 'I did this' then the next you say 'Wesley did this.' Sort this out, write the story in one form or the other, it doesn't matter which, but it must be consistent.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man
Shattered Deams

Your characters are believable, interesting and well developed. Your descriptions are vivid. Your conversations flow naturally and propel your story. Your pacing kept me riveted. This is a well-conceived, engaging romance. Backed.

Hi Charles, apologies for taking so long to get back to you. I’ve read some of your opening chapter and whilst it has a nice feeling of melancholy to it, it does need editing. I’ve outlined my thoughts below. I would say watch the repetitions, adverbs and typos. In order to attract the attention of a publisher/agent your manuscript must be as pristine as possible. I suggest reading it aloud; it helps to spot the above. I also suggest at the end of each chapter doing a search for words ending in “ly.” This will highlight the adverbs and make it easier to spot them. If you have to, use a dictionary to find alternatives where possible. Good luck and take care.

Nitpicks:
It’s fall outside…I’ve watched the (fall) leaves float to the ground. The opening sentence establishes the time of year as does the deliberate repetition near the end of the paragraph. ‘Fall leaves’ is one ‘fall’ too many. Suggest: I’ve watched the leaves float to the ground…
Adverbs: The sky is (dimly) grey… as other cars pass (slowly) on the street… The crisp air blows some (brightly) coloured leaves… 3 adverbs in one paragraph, 3 too many. Never use adverbs unless there’s no viable alternative. Suggest rejigging as: The sky is grey… as other cars pass on the street. The crisp air blows some bright coloured leaves…
Clunkiness: …but they never seem to do anymore… suggest: but they never seem to anymore.
Wordiness: …and begin to walk (on the sidewalk)… the bracketed words are unnecessary, what else would he walk on? There’s no need to fill the reader in on every single detail. …and begin to walk towards the centre of town.
Repetition: …splatter onto my favourite (jacket) It’s a (jacket) my mother… as I put my hands back into the (jacket) pockets… Suggest: splatter onto my favourite jacket. My mother gave it to me for my birthday…as I put my hands back into the pockets…
Typos: It means more to me (then) she will ever know. Bracketed word should be “than.” I clutch tight (of) my memories… Bracketed word should be “at.” Not too much of a (hall) back to the apartment. Bracketed word should be “haul.” Of course the (phones) ringing. “Phones” is the plural of phone. The abbreviation of: The phone is ringing, is: Of course the phone’s ringing.

64 bookshelves and 55 watch lists that is great for you. I wish you luck with your book. Seems like a very easy not complicated story that I only had time to read 2 chapters so far and backed you Beth Anne.
PS Now if this was a girl she would know how to fix that walpaper! Good kind parents that care makes it feel good too.

Hi Charles, Saw your novel on the Book Chart and liked the title. So far I've read only the first chapter, but find it exceptional. Wesley is a strong character in the literary sense: vague, shy, lonely, slipshod, antisocial-- Like Merseault in Camus' "The Stranger," his nowhere-ness creates tension. And Chapter 1 ends with his potential to do anything, maybe fall in love or commit murder. I like the sense of not knowing where this will lead, and I admire the writing itself, so I'll back "Illuminate the Sky" and plan to read on soon. Could I persuade you to take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," a love story (not a "romance") about a country doctor who risks everything for the sake of a young abused girl. --Best of luck, Bill

Very atmospheric beginning. The style of writing brings the reader right into Wesley's mind. A lovely romantic tale perfect for YAs. Smidge of editing needed, but nothing too difficult.

Best of luck!

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth' / 'Thicker than Water'

The witty description in "Illuminate the Sky" got my attention. I was interested to see what would happen when these two clever, jocular characters got together.

The fall atmosphere seems almost magical to me, leaves falling ... fall outdoors in the city? Brings to mind my college days. Ah, the feeling is youthful!

The telling details: "I do have a coffee table!" Again, the enthusiasm of youth that poverty cannot quench, for at that age there is always hope, anticipation. Expectations even.

The author has a gift for informing the reader without informing him. That is, stuff comes up naturally in conversations, not overdone, but iti is background information. Like the comment, "Mom was good to us." I can almost see the young adult rolling his eyes, though the author never says that. "Yes, Dad, she was." No percentage in arguing over something like that? Perhaps that's it. Perhaps not. But I love this writer's style, the magical feeling of fall, the concrete details, the telling remarks that don't belabor the point and so-on.

This is a gifted writer. Will be backed ASAP of course. I might have to remove something to make room for it, let me go check.

FEL

I think this book has great potential - the description at the beginning is a real hook. We know the writer is unhappy, but not way, and the gradual revelation is very sensitive.

You get a bit bogged down after that. There's some repetition and the poignant phone call with Dad gets a little lost. It seems a long time to wait before he bumps into the girl. All the same, it has great promise and I wish you all the best with it. Backed with pleasure.

Ali (The Fireghost)

They story has so much potential to it. It nicely reads like a journal. Is this your first time writing? I get that impression of writing one of my classmate's story in my creative writing prose class. Just go back and clean this up and you'll have a winner.

I enjoyed this, and the switching between 1st and 3rd person didn't confuse me. Of course it helps that I do the same thing, just not as often as you do. It's interesting and worth backing.

Love a good romance!
Sharon Van Orman

Charles -

Illuminate the Sky - I like the voice, the dialogue, the style of writing. Warm sentiment s shine through the relationships, which endears me to the characters and makes me read on.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Charming with lovely comedic touches, Wes is an instantly likeable character and I like how we get into his head to understand how he sees the world.. Backed with pleasure
Diane
Good Blood

Chapter 3
I felt quite hungry after reading the first paragraph. This is well written with good interesting dialogue, I like the incident with the woman and her dog. I am happy to back it.

I notice you start many sentence with ‘as’. I do this too but I’ve been told to avoid it if possible.

Tony
Life Bringer

Hi Charles,
I really enjoy your first-person approach. Fun story and I look forward to seeing how you finish it. Backed!
Sincerely, Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

Charles,

I like this! Truth be told, it almost had a theatrical quality to it, I could definitely see this on stage! You've got a great main character that I want to see overcome his circumstances here, and I'm curious to see where you take this!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

Dear Charles
I am curious about thisclever story. There seems to be something about Wesley and the first person narrator in the first chapter that you are not telling us. Is the 5th chapter a new story? The overall effect is quite unsettling. You have skilfully developed several interesting characters and relationships here. Good descriptive prose throughout but it needs to be tightened up and less meandering or the reader is going to lose interest. The romance with Jane seems to be the centrepiece and I am sure you will return to this and some of the hidden secrets will be revealed but too mysterious at present and connections between the plotlines and characters need to be developed.This is one to watch for me.

regards

Brian

The conversation is especially engaging in this. Nice way to introduce a bit of a mystery at the start- it's been a year, but a year since what? We find out as we read on. The only comment I have is, a lot of your sentences start with "I". This can be a bit repetitive- try mixing it up, beginning with another word, to make it more dynamic. (For eg instead of "I come across a park bench. ... I guess I'll have a seat". "A park bench stands before me" or "A park bench at the edge of the path invites me to sit down." "I guess I'll have a seat". Something like that ... backed.

Charles.
The story unfolds slowly and places the reader in an atmosphere created by the thoughts of the narrator smoothly. I had no problem with the change in POV from 1st to 3rd. A bit of editing would strenghten the read.

Backed
Scorselo - the Communicator

Very smooth, easy, (apparently), and entertaining - mainly through dialogue and internal monologue.
Only around ten thousand words of it here so far ... can it be sustained for another fifty or sixty thousand words? Maybe.
It's good - keep it going.
RT

Hello Charles
I liked this story very much. The voice is great - unique and contemporary and I smiled at some of the dialogue. I agree with the other reviewers on the areas that need further work. 1) Try to "show" rather than "tell" and 2) the manuscript needs editing (you may want to change some of your sentences beginning with "I"). Also, some of your paragraphs are still in 3rd person. In the UK, this would be an adult novel rather than Young Adult (teen fiction), but i guess this maybe different where you live. Good luck with it. You are talented!
With best wishes
Kim

I liked your story thus far. And, the way that you close ch. 1 is marvelous, make the want to read more. What does he mean by she's reading that book too? ---Loved it. You do need to do some light editing, for punctuation and grammar errors. I saw a few instances where you had a word inadvertently placed.

Tip...try not reading or looking at the story for a few weeks, come back to it later to edit. Your eyes will be fresher and you will catch more errors that way.

Angie S.

Much improved with it all in first person POV now. I think you have a nice story to tell.

Anne
Closeted Courage

Charles,

I love the scene where Wesley meets Jane. You have a very unique writing style, which made me keep reading.

You have a great idea here. But I do think it needs a little polishing. It's good that you changed it all to first person. That is one thing that definitely needs to be uniform.

The biggest thing I can point out... is that I would add much more dialogue. You have a lot of introspective narrative-- it goes on inside Wes' head. Readers tend to get bored with too much of that. You should show them what happens not tell them... such as the great scene where Wes meets Jane.

You have writing talent. This book just needs polished up a bit. If you can polish it- it will be awesome!

Best,
Cori
"Princess"

PS
I'm going to back this-- because I see a great deal of potential here. You are new to writing, but have a great deal of raw talent. I'm sure that as you work out the kinks, this will become great!

I have recently updated my first chapter by removing the confusion of moving from 1st and 3rd person. I am new to writing and am trying to work on it as I go along; I'm sticking with the 1st person.

Thanks everyone,

Charlie

I wonder if this is the sort of literature they might set as an exercise in a Creative Writing Class. Introspective, sad and reminiscent in the first chapter, and that so irritating alternating between 1st and 3rd person, and present tense. It doesn't work, and I think most readers are likely to lose interest quite soon. On the other hand, your word choices are excellent, and you convey a sense of feeling with considerable skill. You have an obvious talent as a writer, but this particular story is not a winner. As always, that is only one person's opinion. Take as much or as little notice of it as you please. I picked up a few tiny errors which I'll note in a separate message. Good luck with your writing. Marj.

I was really confused reading this. I thought there was an "I" telling the story and somebody else named Wesley. Then I realized you were alternating between 1st person and 3rd person point of view. I can't say I've ever read a book where somebody could pull that off. It just doesn't work.

Which is too bad, because I can tell you're a gifted writer. Perhaps you'd have the opportunity to put this into one or the other POV. It will make it far easier for people to follow your story.

Best wishes!

Anne
Closeted Courage

Charles, I like the premise and the story from what you have presented inyour pitch.I also enjoy your MC he draws you into his world and circumstances easily.I also enjoy some of your descriptives, they have a poetic feel, however, I found the alternating 1st to 3rd person narrative distracting. Unless somewhere down the line he has a dual personality or a mental disorder, this takes away from the pace and flow for me. I had to reread certain lines a few times to comprehend what was going on.

I think this has strong merit and with editing, can be easily cleaned up. Because of the switching back and forth there were some problems with sentence structure.When I first joined the site the best advice I was given was to read what I had typed outloud and it helped on so many levels.

I hope this helps because I really think this work is worth it. Backed with high expectations Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Hi Charles,

a well written intelligent piece here, I like the way you develop your characters - not sure about the term 'inhaling' a big breakfast in Chpt 3, that term would probably work well in a piece of dialogue or internal thought process which would work as a comic device.

Backed gladly

Rob

GET LENIN

Hi Charles- I love your title. Your down to earth tone is similar to my book if you get a chance to check it out. Anyway, this is a cute start so I'd like to help you a little. The person below mentioned editing, here are two specific things you need to work on. I had a lot of trouble with them in my memoir buy my grammar teaching aunt helped me out. Anyway, mostly tenses. At times you are in the present, other times you are in the past. You need to stay consistent, especially in the last paragraph. Another example is where you write, "I CAN really act cant I?" I COULD never show how emotional I WAS. Also, I am guessing you are switching from 1st person to 3rd person for a reason but I dont think you need to. Its just confusing. In the paragraph at the beginning where you write "WESLEY takes his hands from his pockets..." I would just keep it "I". Hope this helps. Its the little annoying editing stuff that is time consuming and no fun at all, but important to the finished piece...anyway, hope this helped. Naya (Aquarian Moon)

We liked your characters and the dialogue. However, we feel the picth could be tweeked a bit. Also, you may want to have someone look at your editing. We found no fault with your story though; it will make a great young-adult read. "BACKED"
CC Brown
Dark Side

I like the style of this piece. It’s strong and distinctive.

I was a bit concerned at first by the switch between first and third person, but it’s clear enough once the reader acclimatizes. I assume there is a purpose behind this switching, but it’s not clear from the first chapter or the others I very briefly dipped into, what it is. If you don’t have a reason for doing it, you might want to consider why it’s there. If there is an ultimate game plan, then fine.

The first chapter is a slow burner. I liked it that way, because I like the style of the writing and the atmosphere your gradual reveal builds up, but I bet you will get a lot of comments about the start being too slow and rambling.

From what I read I wasn’t clear why you had labelled it YA material. It didn’t come across as within the usual parameters of the genre, but of course, it may be further on.

Some nits to consider: “The winter air blow through in empty trees” reads a little oddly. Would ‘The winter air blow through empty trees” sound better? “My Mom taught me better than that.” would benefit from being a sentence in its own right. “You’re Mom was good to us” should be “Your Mom”. A bit of a trawl through and edit for typos would clean up these issues and one or two others like them.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Striking imagery, grey, autumnal. Wesley is an intriguing character. In fact the whole first chapter is mysterious and slightly claustrophobic, like the cubicle where he works. Did you change from first to third person intentionally?
I assume you did. Interesting.
The first chapter has definitely made me curious.
Karien - A Bird in a Pram

Hi Charles...follow up comment...more I read, the more I disappear into your story telling, and loving the journey.

jim

K...you asked for an opinion (and since I liked the way you asked hahah...here I am)

I tend to give harsh critiques...but don't mean them to be harsh, only helpful. Take what I say with a grain of salt...not like I know everything anyway :)

The sky is dimly grey; (take out semi colon...because the next sentence does not directly relate to it in any way...plus I've heard you always want to limit your semi colons to one per page...as publishers frown on them.)

Not sure why you switched from first to third person in the "wesley" paragraph. I didn't know who wesley was...you should pick one or the other...but I much prefer first person :)

He's soaked but at least he's home; better get out of these wet clothes. (This reads awkwardly and also switches from third to first. Is this a thought? Perhaps he could say it out loud as dialogue?)

Did I just use the word plush? (I liked this line...humorous..adds character :) Also liking your description...the glow of the television, the pealing wallpaper, it's really setting up the character as well as the scene.I like the way his thought process jumps around like thoughts have a way of doing. IE: from the wallpaper to the lamp to poker...)

Question mark after: Why am I still walking around my house like an idiot?

I'm not sure why you say his dad doesn't say anything...and then the next few lines is his dad talking...lots. (sorry to pick...Just something I noticed as I read :)

I think you could take out the line: I could never show my dad how emotional I was. (Because all the other lines around this SHOW that he is hiding his emotions. So you don't need to tell it too :) Plus it leaves him more mysterious to the reader.)

You're mom was good to us...(should be 'your')

Yeah she was, Dad. (comma after was. Dad should be capitalized if it's used as a name) (same with: Send Mom my love and: Good night, Dad.)

Take out semi colon after: On the anniversary of my mother's death nonetheless.

Another Wesley paragraph. I would DEFINITELY change these back to first person.

I like how it goes back to him talking about how he can't sleep through the night...it ties the story back to when he originally said it :)

Love the line: Could I die if what I'm running from catches up to me :)

Oh ...lunch. You sound so good to me. (Made me smile)


Yup...gotta change those wesley paragraphs and make them first person...screws me up every time and I know publishers will toss your story as soon as they see it.

I'm finding myself getting a little bored here for this office part...just starting to wonder what the story is actually about and if anything is going to happen.... (sorry...don't mean to be harsh...just truthful and trying to help :) I might even take out the whole work scene and just say something about hating his job and cut to the part where he walks home from work...

Love the meeting with the girl...love his awkwardness when telling her his name :)

HAHAHA....love when he says it again. Wesley but my friends... and she interupts him. Funny stuff :)

Hope my comments help! Good work and keep writing!
C

This is an interesting concept, and you've carried it off well. It deserves a spell on myshelf, so backed with pleasure. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Dear Charles

I have not read it all but will carry on. I loved your short pitch it grabbed me and your long pitch truly enticed me to read on. Original storyline so far and very well crafted. I am not an expert in grammar nor punctuation etc, but I love the flow and I am really getting a true appreciation of Science fiction. this is especially with regard to writers such as yourself. I am aspiring to write, you have honed a natural talent CONGRATS
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is
important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
Denise
The Letter

Hello fellow writer of YA. I like this. There's a sort of removed quality to it, like hearing a story at a distance. Two voices telling it. Bitter sweet. I like the voice used and the imagery, which sets a background tone almost like music. I like the characters - they are believable, and the dialogue too, is natural.

Is there any more yet? Are you in the middle of it, or just not uploaded it? I'd certainly like to read more, if and when you post it.
Cariad
STONES.

Wesley is an interesting dude. So far, I find this a compelling read. You certainly have a gift for drawing the reader right into the story proper - full of hooks. Backed!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Backed with pleasure.

RB

Good for you Charles. Dare to be different. There's a lot of formulaic stuff on here, like there's only the one way to write (by the book) and all else is false. Stick to your guns, you have an interesting slant on it...well done and backed.

Angus Shoor Caan.

You have a best seller in the making if you could get down to a wee bit of editing. I say that because you have that rare talent that connects a reader to a story. The dialogue comes alive and the setting descriptions are marvellous. The intensity if the Wesley is appealing.

Great read. (By edit, i mean tidy up and tighten up)

Best

Charles,
Illuminate the Sky is a charming romance novel which is sure to appeal to young adults. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with pleasure.

Brilliant work Charles
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream