Chrys!

This is really wonderful! I can imagine kids absolutely loving it... the cheekiness of Chrys himself, what a troublesome little faerie he is! And poor Ruby, having to put up with him.
I'm very impressed with the way you've created these characters, not only them, but Miss Garrett and Ruby's parents just jump off the page. Some of the descriptive passages are beautifully written - the way the colour can be found in petrol, for instance.
I could see this as a brilliant movie too.
Well worth buying.
Highly recommended!!
Best wishes
Suzy
Raven / Forever Fredless

This is the first time I have ever read a whole upload to my daughter in one sitting. Just saying this is huge compliment, because as an adult I bore very easily reading children's books, but I wanted to read on. I've got to say this is very original, and I really didn't expect this: the grumpy fairy following Ruby around, causing her all sorts of grief with his mischief and need for revenge, and not able to leave her until he sucks all the magic he inadvertently put into her when he bit just above her wrist. Basing it around the psychiatrist's sessions, and using Ruby's dialogue to descibe what happened in the past worked really well, with a couple of scenes at home thrown in. (Narise thought Ruby's brother was evil, and emphathised with Ruby when he snuck up on her and tattled-telled to their parents. By the way, she has a younger brother that she also thinks is evil).

Narise would love it if you could upload more, and I would be happy to continue reading it to her. You had her giggling away, but there was one thing that had her laughing in hysterics (I was laughing too) and I had to stop reading until she calmed herself down. It was in regards to when Ruby gave Ms. Garret the reason why she knew Chrys was a boy - that fairies don't wear any clothes. Narise said, "It was freaking hilarious."

Narise thinks Chrys is a real jerk, and says it's his fault about the predicament he's in, because he was the one who bit Ruby. But, even with this, she told me she absolutely loved his character and thinks he's hilarious. She laughed at the mention of Chrys following Ruby around everywhere, such as in the toilet and shower, and thought his practical jokes were great, eg. the skirt stuck into her knickers, the beard incident, and the dust pushed onto Ms. Garrett's papers. She also likes that he has made the bookcase his special place to sit on during the sessions. The description of the teacher also had her laughing with the big woman trying to squeeze through the desks, and getting more and more worked up because Ruby didn't take off the beard. Narise also liked Ms. Garrett's description.

The whole story was really well done. Yes, there were some grammatical errors, but this was minor, because they can be fixed, and what counts is you had a very happy audience with my daughter. I will be recommending your story on the Forum, and be rating you a 6, which I do very rarely. Push this story as I think you have something special here.

Kind regards, Marita.

Children will love the delightful voice and the crisp pace. The collaboration between Ruby, an assertive girl, and Chrys, the ‘thing’ in the jar, is well crafted. Chrys is a ranting fairy that is a tad spiteful. I wanted to swat him off the bookshelf on more than occasion. Ruby’s opinions are spot on! You can’t help but love her because she is in all of us. For instance the comment about her Mum’s bottom is comical – backed up with her opinion of Ms Garrett’s response - ‘She nodded as though I’d said something terribly clever.’ I laughed out loud when she asked Ms. Garrett if she was doodling. Children frequently see and interpret things unpretentiously and without discretion. It’s these interpretations you have managed so cleverly. You have targeted your audience well by giving clear descriptions and striking images. Heavily starred. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs

Your intriguing pitch made me want to start reading immediately!

What a great idea - an imaginary "friend" who isn't imaginary!

I empathised with your MC from the get go and your opening gambit is wonderfully filmic. I do hope Disney snap this up!

Best of luck with this. Starred and backed.

Oh this is great!! It is a really fun read. The dynamics between Ruby and Chrys are brilliant and the pictures in my head are really vivid. Loads of stars and I will back it very soon.

I couldn't put this down and read everything you have uploaded. It is a great original take on fairies and Chrys is a brilliant character - what a bad-tempered fairy.
The structure of the psychologist session work well to tell the back story and you do it in a lively dramatic way. Little touches like 'that's nice dear show your mother' and the tale telling younger brother bring the characters to life.
The only line I wasn't sure about was the one starting 'And hate-buds,' I found this a little confusing and had to read it twice because at first I thought it might be Chrys speaking and that hate-buds were some kind of magic. This took me out of the story for a moment as I reread.
Apart from that I though this was a brilliant, original story very well told.
Best wishes with it.
Kirstie

Looking at this again, I remembered immediately I read and starred this albeit sometime ago. 455 days ago to be precise after I trawled back! I enjoyed it then and having read the first chapter, have done so again.
I'm pleased you have published this and hope it does well for you. Bright, intelligent children's books are not always easy to find. Margaret.

Hello Nanty--
book - Chry's -

A winner in it's genre. enjoyed reading the first four chapters.
Have no doubt that children will love every line of this delightful read.
As will the parents as i did, when i read out a chapter to my grand-son.
I could see by his expressions that he was very interested.

good luck with it
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
i give it my six stars

Hello Nanty--
book - Chry's -

A winner in it's genre. enjoyed reading the first four chapters.
Have no doubt that children will love every line of this delightful read.
As will the parents as i did, when i read out a chapter to my grand-son.
I could see by his expressions that he was very interested.

good luck with it
tom bye
from hugs to kisses'
i give it my six stars

i just saw this is published now so I came back for another peek...

Great stuff. I forgot just how much fun Chrys was. My fingers are crossed that you sell loads of copies. ;)

Pete

May I just say that whoever inspired Chrys....should be shot! lol


Will get a better comment up for you soon and back asap =)

This is really wonderful! I can imagine kids absolutely loving it... the cheekiness of Chrys himself, what a troublesome little faerie he is! And poor Ruby, having to put up with him.
I'm very impressed with the way you've created these characters, not only them, but Miss Garrett and Ruby's parents just jump off the page. Some of the descriptive passages are beautifully written - the way the colour can be found in petrol, for instance.
I could see this as a brilliant movie too.
Well worth buying.
Highly recommended!!
Best wishes
Suzy
Raven / Forever Fredless

Wow! What a great read. Very well written.I just love Ruby and chrys.
Starred and has been backed with great pleaure .

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

I love the story and intend to share it with my granddaughters - captivating, funny, outrageous and insightful. I hope you've sold lots and lots of copies and are going to keep writing! HL

Hi Nanty, I think this is brilliant. Your writing style flows and the characters are easy to imagine. The story is original, and written with humour. The only (very minor) comment I would make is to maybe reduce the number of exclamation marks, I don't think you need them. I really enjoyed this. Starred and backed, Val (Midwyf)

Wow, this is certainly original, a unique twist on the 'imaginary friend' theme, though Chrys is most definitely not Ruby's friend. I read the first three chapters and found this to be very funny. Ruby's reactions to Chrys are very believable...I know I'd worry I was going mad if I had an insulting little fairy following me around all the time.
I'll be back to read more!
Emily

Just read your six chapters, thought they were brilliant. The ideas great, humours great, would definately read more.

hi there Nanty, I've just read Ruby's story and enjoyed it all, in fact it's brilliant.
One great aspect is the attention to intimate detail and feelings, all thought out
and delivered in a sassy one liner..
You do well to keep returning to the format..Ruby, the psychiatrist and Chrys.
My advice would be to let her convince the shrink, and get her helping control
Chrys who's cracking up and getting stronger and.....
Maybe little by little she and Chyrs do become friends..?
Now you have a great beginning all is possible.
I would keep it simple snappy and without explanations..it works! In Ch 6 I thought
you started with longer paragraphs and less based on that marvelous detail,
but that could be just me.
must go..stacks of fun with it!...........mikegilli The Free

I love kids' books that adults can enjoy, and Chrys! is especially delightful -- a refreshing concept told with an infectious, great sense of fun. I'm so sorry I didn't see it sooner. (Haha, I'm still smiling over the scene with Chris hoovering up the vapour that comes off Ruby's head.) Shelved.

The best of luck to you with this, Nanty!

very interesting first chapter. i do make it my own personal rule to not read beyond the first chapter so that i dont get any of my own ideas from your story. but, i do like the idea from the first chapter that i read. you might want to check some of your spelling and grammer. very interesting!
I hope you enjoy mine!
Kelsey

Hi,
I have just finished reading to chapter 6 of Chrys and am really desperate to read the rest, please upload it as soon as possible! i haven't got a child young enough to read it too, but that didn't matter because the story line is original and intriguing and the descriptions really bring the whole thing to life, it had me captivated.
I am happy to give loads of stars and it's on my watch list. Will be backing this very soon.
Lindsey
'Vortex'

This is a really magical and well written story. When I read the blurb it reminded me of a Cecilia Ahern story. I really enjoyed reading it and am happy to back. Very best wishes,

Emily (Traps and Topaz)

Oh man, I love this story! I feel so bad for Ruby, but Chrys is hilarious! In a not so sweet way hahaha
I can't wait for you to add more and see how it ends =D I hope Chrys gets nicer!!
Best best best of luck =D

Nanty,

This is original and entertaining. The therapist is an excellent vehicle for the backstory, and Chrys is well depicted as a real problem for Ruby! I also like the suggestion that Ms Garrett has some idea that Ruby might be telling the truth, although that doesn't seem to develop in the last couple of chapters.

This will be going on my shelf when I've a space.

Rachel
Guardian of the Pegasus

Nanty - Chrys is everything the previous writers have applauded - and I applaud you too, backed with stars. Best wishes and keep writing - Balepy (Freckles the Fawn)

Hello Nanty.
i have just read the start of Chrys! which you have downloaded. I thought it was a clever and original idea. After reading many many books on this site, this becomes harder to say. Hope this encourages you to complete it. .... keep the plot twists original and fast moving. your light hearted style is very appealing.
I am always interested in feedback from other children's book writers.
Jerry Evans [Adventures of the Paperbats] a story for children 5 - 8 yo.

Chrys! is one of the most original children’s books I’ve ever read. When the story begins and little Ruby Daniels is lead into the scary psychiatrist's office I didn’t quite know what to make of it just yet. Was the girl actually seeing things and making up her too-real imaginary acquaintance (I won’t say friend because of his actions)? But it was those actions of Chrys the fairy that convinced me that he was real. He’s obnoxious and vulgar (within reason) in a way that I doubt little girls could come up with on their own. And he’s naked, which is really funny.

Apparently Chrys has to hang around because he accidentally put magic into Ruby when he bit her, and now has to remove it all before he can leave. He’s quite the character and I think Ruby handles him messing with her like a real adult.

I wish more chapters were posted because I want to know how things turn out. I guess it’s still possible that Ruby made Chrys up, which would be sort of a surprise ending, though I doubt the story is moving that way. I can almost see them becoming friends at some point though, which would say a lot about humanity and the ability to forgive and overlook offensive behavior. And I would like to see Chrys’ motivations explored as the book moves on to find out if he’s more than a one dimensional annoyance for Ruby. Perhaps he wants to be close to her for his own reasons or something. The possibilities are endless for this amusing story that is dripping with charm. It should have no problem finding success with parents and children once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I think you might enjoy my TO CATCH A SPECKLED TROUT featuring people who try to deal with their lives as they are. There's something of Ruby in all of us. Barbara

What fun! I like this story. You've done a great job of showing what it's like to be ten and a half and not be understood by the adults around you--which we've all struggled through. Keep writing; I want to see what Ruby says and does next. By the way, here in America "girlie" has a different meaning. My dictionary says: adj (1942) featuring scantily clothed women (~ magazines) (~ show). I'm giving you a bunch of stars. Barbara

why have you taken the trouble to put this on this website? why is this book not published already? [or is it?] this is a great book- brilliant writing, excellent idea, narrative perfect, dialogue effective...l shall put this on my watchlist, but l will back...7 stars! ; l wish l could!...
read SEASONS...

I love the idea of an imaginary friend who isn't imaginary! I immediately love Chrys. I've read 3 chapters and stopped as I want to read it with my 8 year old son (the best critic!) later so you'll be staying on my WL for quite some time! And I've backed you and given you 6 stars for original idea and great writing. You deserve to get to Ed desk and be published! x Rosemarie (When Paintings Come to Life and Heroscope).

I believe it ironic that "children's fiction" is considered in the intellectual basement by many. They assume it to be dumbed down to a kids level. Yet in his autobiographical "Travels" Michael Crichton tells a very similar story of an "enitity" he carried around even as an adult who looked like the cartoon devil from Fantasia. Arthur Conan Doyle believed in fairies and spent a great part of his life trying to document them. I was reminded of both these men while reading this wonderful little story. Either would have appreciated it.
Backed and Best Wishes
Jim Coplin
Bite Mark

Nanty - I wish I had more time to read one. I love your beginning, and the intriguing theme of your story, with its flashes of refreshing humour.
Might it help the reader, do you think, if you put Chrys's dialogue in italics?
Ch.2. I know exactly what it's like picking rhubarb (even though I havent done so for at least thirty years), and you've got it to a T.
You give the plot a little twist with the problem of the chrysalis, and leave a tantalising hook at the endof the chapter.
This is not just a child's story - it is a story for all ages of childhood, and I'm going to follow it through. You're on my watch list, to bring out when I feel like some light entertainment, and back in rotation with other specials on my shelf.
Well done, and good luck. Jane.

ooohh yes I am definately reading this - sounds similar in tone to my 'When Paintings Come to Life' = bad little beings interfering who shouldn't be real at all! You are on my WL girl and will back and comment soon.

I read all 6 chapters of Chrys and will patiently wait for you to upload more, I am anxious to find out how Chrys plans to get his magic back, and how all of this effects Ruby. The beard was hilarious, and I love how you portray Ms Garrets reaction to Ruby’s question about doodling. This is very funny stuff, but I still feel Ruby’s frustration. I found your first six chapters very entertaining, I’m backing Chrysler and giving it a high star rating.
Thanks for bringing Chrys my way Nanty,
Dana P.
FINDING XANADU and THE JOURNEY HOME

Read the first few paragraphs. Keep working, do well.

Had a chance to read 2 chapters tonight. Nice stuff. Not much to comment on, which is a positive. The writing was crisp. The first chapter made me want to read on. I'm interested to see where it goes and will read more.

Hi Nanty,
I've just read the first chapter and this is very original and funny, both as a story and stylistically. Already Ruby and Chrys are well formed characters and I am drawn in. I plan to read some more and will leave another comment when I have done so.
There are a few punctuation issues: for example I'm not sure about the use of semicolons in the first para. If you can sort this boring stuff out, or get an editor to, then there would be nothing to distract from the terrific characters and story.
Best of luck with this - it fully deserves to be doing very well.
Philip

I really enjoyed this. You make it plain without making it unsubtle that Chrys is real and not in Ruby's imagination, and there's a good partnership between comedy and menace. I get a great image of this thing moving about the room in a kind of spiky, creeping, mischevious way. I loved the dialogue when Ruby starts talking to the doctor - particularly the bit about the vegetable garden and how Ruby liked it when it was wild. Excellent work :-)

First. I read all that you have posted and would love to continue reading this.
It didn't even come off as just a children's book to me. hey, I'd buy this for myself and enjoy it thoroughly! yay!
There's of course some grammar issues that need some tightening up but boy. ... i just loved the way you portrayed Ruby and Chrys. I could always see Chrys moving around, getting angry and generally being such a nuisance. I also got this sense of fatigue from Ruby from having dealt with all his antiques. I mean she's worn out now given that he's with her all the time for the last six months. And so we await the vapour sprout ... i wonder whether Chrys will have given her some time out on the day the vapour releases ... lol.
N'ways ... really enjoyed this. max star stuff and on my shelf. oh ... what a wonderful imagination you have. wonderful.

some small observations:

Chapter 3 when Chrys asks Ruby is she saw Ms. Garretts body language ... maybe use different words to describe this query. more descriptive words. like ... did you see how Ms. Garrett stiffened (or something).
At the beginning of Chapter 4 after Ms. Garrett asks
"Have you given any thought to what you really saw in your jar, as I suggested?"
Ruby then says "I don't think I saw anything"
later Ruby says "That's because ... I know exactly what I saw. It was definitely ..."
I think you should stress on the "think" of the earlier sentence and the "know" of the later sentence. Italics maybe? Thats only coz i had to re-read this to understand that Ruby was not contradicting herself.
When Ruby shouts in chapter 6 ... have you considered capitalizing rather than using a bold font? i think it feels more like a shout that way.

Nanty,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

Well, this is delightful. The quirky picture of Ruby is as marvelous as it gets....

....punchy..... throwing opinions confetti like.....filled with attitude....

.....in sum....adorably endearing.

Your writing captures a wonderfully idiosyncratic picture of a character that enter's the reader's heart

...through the front door.

Some of my favorites:

"Scraped back.....
that is a wonderful description...detailed, quirky...

"a desk that must be as big....'
you capture here a child's perspective

"brief but smug"

"i roll the fluff"

"Raspberry canes....."
deliciously written

"Curiosity killed..."

"old biddy sit up"

"sucking every last scrap in"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

I would have liked a bit more of a sense of place at the beginning

How about placing Chrys's dialogue in italics?

A reference to Ruby's age would also help

"sit down nervously..." "show how angry"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels
This is specially true for young readers that do not yet have a handle on abstract language and
use body language for behavioral modeling

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

David

Excellent pitch. Very good opening chapter - although cull the exclamation marks. I haven't read on because I don't want to spoil it, looking forward to seeing this in Waterstones in due course. I hope you are actively submitting to agents.
Backed.

- NaomiM

Chap 4

-Odd that Ruby refers to Chrys as 'he' in her thoughts, then 'It' when describing him to Ms. Garrett.
-Ok, makes sense why Chrys is hanging around, being a nuisance.

I've read enough to know I'd keep going to the end if this were in print. I like it a lot.

This reader would like to see a bit more dimension to Ms. Garrett. I'm not sure that Ruby's actions would inspire such shock in a psychiatrist, even with the unusual coincidence. Small gripe.

Ruby's thoughts and descriptions are worded so well, she comes across as much older than ten and a half. It's an odd thought I had while reading, that her parts were really mature, very well-written. The writing of a practiced adult. Not a ten year old.
Do I think you should dumb it down? No way. But maybe give a bit at the beginning how Ruby was always considered clever for her age, gifted.

Just my two bits.

Thank you for sharing! Happily ranked and backed!

-Geek
The Exhausted Dead

Chap 3

Another quick one. Pacy, and easy.
That was a good hook to show Mrs. Garrett's reaction first, then reveal the reason for it (doodling the fairy). Gave it impact.
I think I'm ready to know a bit more about Chrys at this point, as he seems merely a benign nuisance (even if his presence is interpreted by professionals as a mental deviance on Ruby's part). He must want something from Ruby, more presumably than the vapors coming off her head...

I'll just have to find out...

Chap 2-

-The dialogue's natural. Well-paced.
-Just now noticed the story is in present tense. Lotsa folks don't like that. Doesn't bother me a bit, though. It works.

Overall impressions of this are very good: nice reveal about Chrys's origins, how he came to be in Ruby's life, family dynamics. I appreciate how I'm front and center watching it all unfold, rather than being blindly told what's happening.
This was a short chapter, so on to the next...

Well-written begining. You have talent. Keep it up. You are able to tell us about the chartchers without giving too much away.

Regards,
Chipper Newman

Thanks Nanty for putting my book on your bookshelf. Really appreciate the support. Hope things continue to go well for Chrys. It deserves to do well.
Colleen

Hi. Finished the read, sorry for the delay, as I said.
Ok. Pitch - long pitch is excellent, really hooked me in to what was coming, but short pitch wasn't so good for me - a 'big' one -? bit of a blank word.

I'd read half of it before, as I said, and coming back to it was a pleasure. I found my notes, which had stars on them, which meant I'd been impressed, and it continued that way. The opening paragraphs - v. important as these are what an agent reads first, of course, as well as us, were exactly right. No flannel, just straight in to the point. Very intriguing. The hook of wanting to know what exactly it is that she has got that he wants back is also well placed - guaranteed to keep us reading.

I had to re-read 'flaming futons' as I missed it as a kind of curse and thought she was commenting on something that had happened. Silly me. Chapter 2 great start and an excellent end - just as we think we're going to find out what it is she has, we - like Mrs. Garrett, have to wait.

Dialogue I found realistic, not too many tags or unnecessary add ons. You use it to show what people are like, as you do with what people are wearing - very effective and creates immediate visual images. The story of how she found Chrys in the rhubarb patch and what happened was rivetting and again, very visual with the sounds and smells you conjoured up. I wanted to know what the thing was and had all sorts of ideas about it. A sinister, creepy, large and unpleasant fairy was not what I was expecting. His 'hoovering up' of the vapour - especially before we know what it is, is creepy in the extreme.

It reminded me a bit of 'Chocky' by John Wyndham - also an imaginarery friend, if you've not read it, but that turns out to be an alien. Both offer that dilemma of a child not being believed.

I did wonder a little about the Psychiatrists questioning style. I may be wrong in asking if you've been to one, but my daughter had to when she was younger, and the descriptions of Mrs Garretts' questioning, especially for eg when she said 'very good, you're making progress.' was not believable, as that is def. not what one would say. however, she is such a great character that it probably won't matter to anyone who hasn't experienced one. My other little quibble was that at chapter 6 it seemed to lose a little impetus. The start of that chapter seems a little offhand, and I began to want a change from her just visiting the Psychiatrist and talking. I'd have liked perhaps alternating, or other views of her life with Chrys - the school scenes for eg - the beard was hilarious - or outside school, in the house, with her brother - could get nasty - other places where she goes with Chrys in tow would have made a contrast and fleshed out the story here.

Small typos - 'cart wheeling' is one word.
the psychiatrists hair is 'scrapped back from her face..' - scraped?
the psychiatrists beads 'and the sound they make knocking dully.... seem very loud..' - seems? or seemed?

Altogether a really enjoyable read that I'd have happily read more of if you'd had more up. I am really interested to see where this going and what is going to happen. Is the vapour sucking going to hurt her? Is Chrys going to get revenge? What's he going to do.... all sorts of questions are raised. A really great and unusual idea for a story.
Shall shelve this next time I change my shelf.
Cariad
STONES.

I have to say I am riveted;. This is one of the best reads I've had on this site. You do need to do some major editing because your grammar and punctuation is distracting but you've got a wonderful story here. I am very curious as to where you are going with it. The few things I will mention, and keep in mind this is just my opinion, have to do with writing in first person and the tense you are using. Writing in first person can be quite limiting and you must remember that you can only view the story from the character's eyes. So try to keep that in mind as you edit. I do think you've done a good job, but you do tend to pop from present to past tense. This is confusing for your reader so you want to pick one and stick to it.

the other thing I will say is i believe your character should be a little older than 10. Her personality seems very mature for a 10 year old. I'd make her 12 or 13. I think this would be more believable.

Keep up the great work. You've got a great story going here.
Kelly Abell
The Haunted Mirror
www.kellyabellbooks.com

Well! I hadn't guessed when reading the last chapter that Ruby's better performance in school was connected with Chrys - but it all fits in. Now we know what the link between them is - and part of the reason for his tormenting her. And after the two pranks he's played on her that we know about, no wonder she wants to be rid of him.

I look forward to future uploads.

Another good chapter. Your portraits of Ruby's parents are great. I liked the image of Chrys jumping about as if on a berserk pogo-stick. And a great ending - can't wait to see what will happen now that Ruby's eavesdropping (or "ear wigging" - I like that new term for it) has been discovered. (Looks like Chrys isn't the only one good at getting her in trouble.)

I'm continuing to enjoy this story. I hope that Ms. Garrett doesn't end up in therapy - though the way things are going.... And I hope we can find out soon what Chrys wants back from Ruby.

Ms. Garrett's response is intriguing; could something like this have happened to her before? Or is she even more convinced that Ruby's out of her head?

The line at the end about Chrys' atrocious table manners was great.

A good second chapter, explaining how Chrys entered Ruby's life.

The story continues strongly; Ruby, Chrys, and Ms. Garrett are all vivid characters (as are Ruby's family). Though it may need a few technical edits, such as "We've come the end of our first session" (there's a missing "to" between "come" and "end").

A great beginning. Your protagonist-narrator has a strong voice, and although we don't know yet everything going on, we know the important things: Chrys is trouble - so much trouble that Ruby's been taken to see a psychiatrist.