The Jaded Throne

It's been a while since I read a fantasy story and I enjoyed this. The world-building and cultural backstory that is necessary for a book of this type is always difficult to portray without a lot of info-dumping but you have managed this very well. Showing the landscape through the eyes of the dragon at the beginning worked well as a scene setter. I also like the tension between Shirhon and Goswyn. Very well written.

This is every bit as good as Earth Reaver. Well done. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The language is the highlight of this story.

The world is compelling and the action appeals to your audience. I work with your market and I can vouch that they love this stuff--dragons and fantasy.

You make the world come alive. Such deliberate thought went into the language of every scene.

By the end of ch 2, the world really takes shape, the characters are alive and real and the plot has established tension. The action will really sell this to your audience.

There's more I'll leave in your messages.

The following is a critique of your first chapter. Please remember these are my opinions, but I've found feedback is the only way to make our writings better. I really like your story so far and want to read more. What I've written below are (again my opinions) ways that you can improve!

Things I love:

The connection the dragon has with something/someone else…great beginning
The description of the town (don’t know the name so far from the reading) with the concentric circles
You do a great job of describing…love your word choice! Example: A single customer sat there facing the door closeted in the shadows of the dim lantern light! Love it! You could use a comma to break up the thoughts between door and closeted, but I love your use of descriptive words!

Some critiques to go back and look at:

The stunning beauty of the white powder draped on the mountain faces like clean, freshly washed linens completely escaped him, as did the occasional dark rock face poking through the snow curtain to give texture to the otherwise pristine tapestry stretching as far as a man could see.
There are two thoughts here...separate them into two sentences


As he tried to fathom the nuisance [add comma here] it ballooned without warning to an irritating pinch. He had never felt pain before, even this small amount. If he had never felt it, then he obviously wouldn’t have felt a small amount.

Fire and smoke belched forth searing the debris in his teeth and melting the snow within a range (a distance of nearly six hundred strides. –My thoughts: take out the parenthesis and say “his range which is a distance of nearly six hundred strides).

Then as quickly the pinch…doesn’t read smoothly. Perhaps take “as” out and although the second “into” is probably there for emphasis, it is repetitive.

There was no one else there on the mountain with him-he would have instantly detected a visitor- take out the hyphens and add commas.

In his bewilderment he stopped trashing about…do you mean thrashing…and if so you might choose a different word because thrash has been used a few times already.

Thrashing is again used in that same paragraph.

“Blue sky began to replace the lethal storm clouds that raged during the battle and the sun’s rays drew bright lines across the once fertile plain that was now both brown and red."

Do you mean “once upon a time this area was fertile?” Unless that’s pertinent to the storyline (which you know and I don’t) then this seems to be useless information.

Also, you then describe the plain as “brown and red.” Perhaps the using “barren” might be more succinct. If red, you mean bloody, then you might depict why it’s “red.”

One of the toughest things in this chapter are you have five different plots within the same chapter...

This provides too many characters to keep track of…by the fourth plot I’m thinking Goswyn is the protagonist but I’m not quite sure…and I probably should have an idea by now. With these five plots, the reader will probably become confused as to who they’ve read about…Now I’m not sure who the main protagonist is again…

“While [Goswyn] she surveyed the scene before her [need comma], [add the word she] reflected on how the current circumstances at hand.

One of the things I’m guilty of is too much telling and not enough showing. I see this in your writing as well.

For example, you end one paragraph saying “Her uncle and her mother had taken responsibility for raising her which was good and bad.”

Then you start the next paragraph, “The good part was her mother.”

Give the reader credit that he can decide this is the good part without telling him. There is a lot of telling in here, background information that may or may not be significant to the telling of the story. Ask yourself, “is this important?” If the answer is “YES” then find a way to tell the reader without large paragraphs of 3rd Person description. I’ve gone through many drafts in the first few chapters of my book and still “tell” too much…but I’m working on it too!

The story of the innkeeper seems to be the way you “tell” the readers that Goswyn is beautiful…if the character of the innkeeper is important then find a way to let him tell us rather than the 3rd person narrator. Otherwise let the reader decide how beautiful she is by describing the features that would make her beautiful…don’t just say “she’s pretty” and move on.

One of the things I’m noticing are the descriptions of things/places that do not have a bearing on the story as of yet. It would seem more important to thoroughly describe what the reader needs to know when it’s significant for them to know, rather than everything thrown at them all at once.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the story needs to be tightened…take out what’s impactful to the story and/or rework it to where they become relevant at the time the reader needs to know the information.

I really think this story has huge promise and look forward to reading more!

Great hook, looking forward to reading!

I was immediately entranced by your description of the dragon, and the essence of him. Very clever, combining magic and physics in your description, and you do it so well! The aftermath of the battle scene was also well described. Good narrative throughout.

I wonder if you haven't introduced too many characters in the first chapter. As we move from scene to scene, each exceptionally well done, I found myself wondering how this new lot fit into the scheme of things. Just my opinion. All in all, a fabulous read!

Craig

Herschel,

Your Hook/Synopsis is intriguing and appears to have great potential. Would you care to swap critiques?

There is magic in your writing with phrases such as, 'something tickled the edge of his existance', and in addition to your writing skills, you have the ability to invoke the desired atmosphere. This book should do very well and I wish you good luck with it.
Katy Christie
No Man No Cry

Hi Herschel, as this isn't my normal genre I don't have a lot to offer, but I will say that I love the how human the dragon seems. How he stretches and yawns and seems just so ho-hum about his life. As someone who doesn't know much about these types of fantasy characters I would offer the advice that you explain what the creatures are. Like the mage? I have no idea what that is and so can't picture wha they look like, just a brief description is enough.

Thanks for comments on my book and I hope mine end up useful to you,

Mandy Martyn
(Love on Fire)

THE JADED THRONE
I love the title, it should appeal to younger readers. Years ago I read all the Anne Maccaffrey books about dragons and their riders and thoroughly enjoyed them This book of yours will have the same appeal with great imagination as you show here and written with a fine strong hand. Happy to back this
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Magic & dragons seem to be very popular. so after reading some of your book I found I liked it even if there no dragons in Hawaii. Well done and backed with pleasure Beth Anne

Dear Herschel
not the first time I have backed you and yes true to form your writing is so full of everything I love in a book. I would buy your books for sure
BACKED FOR SURE BY ME

I do hope you take the time to look at my book, comment and if you feel back it.
BEST of luck
Denise
The Letter

As always a sure hand whose writing does not disappoint in this well executed and engaging YA story. You show the reader an imaginative work, set off with a strong voice and excellent narration.


Jane

I love great fantasy, and this has the hallmark of being a great work waiting to be discovered. You write with passion,and have a natural writing style which flows easily. I am happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Herschel,

This is a fantastc first chapter. First of all, I loved the description. You really bring us into the world you've created with the way you describe things. Your use of and description from the mind of the dragon to start off the book works perfectly and I really felt as if I was a part of its mind and there with it. I like the idea of the elves and the battle between people with the mages too. Your main character was a perfect choice.

I will be reading the second chapter soon and look foreward to reading more. Both of your books on here are excellent works and I hope that one day I will have the opportunity to purchase them in book form. Thanks for letting me know that this is posted. It is a great read.

Have a great day! Best of writing to you!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

Hi Herschel,

I'll never tire of dragon stories, and you've certainly given this one a unique and interesting twist. I loved the opening - I think it takes a lot of skill to write pure narrative without it turning into that dreaded enemy of debut writers - exposition - but I think you've managed it with skill and flair.
The characters are excellent; again you've taken common fantasy fixtures, as elves are (all hail Tolkien *grin*), and given them a fresh face. An elf chick selling her body and living a life of crime - who'd've thought it? And I like the castes you've given them too, always good for conflict.
The names you've used are awesome, not just of the characters (the elves' names are reminiscent of Anglo-Saxon British spliced with LotR which always works for me), but also the places. A city called Spinebreak is bordering on genius!
Last thing and then my gushing will officially be over; I think you've expertly introduced the main threads of the story in this first chapter. You've illustrated that there will be a lot to keep the mind busy and entertained without causing confusion.
Love it! Backed.

Maria.

Dear Herschel, Well, here I am reading & commenting on your 2nd book. :) Your pitch reminds me of the "Puff the Magic Dragon" song, as does your story. :) Great write with crisp dialogue & paragraphs. :) Am I to expect a 3rd book, now! :) Love, Susie :) p.s. we've backed each other's book :) - thanks :)

Herschel,

I'm backing now, because I really like this, and commenting later when I have more time.

Have a great day!

- Scott

I like it. May I recommend that you offer it as a YA (young adult) book? There is a lot you have laid out in this opening chapter that the reader will expect you to elaborate in following chapters. For instance, what are the Holy Prophesies and where did they come from? Never keep the reader waiting for important details, such as who the other race of beings are that inhabit this world. You gave us an excellent description of the Elfin, but who are the others? Hope this helps! The story looks very promising.

this a good idea, written with care and skill...effective narrative make this work even better- on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 6 hours later :)