What Happened On Toad Ridge

Great writing voice. I liked your opening and it keeps a nice even pace.

Highly starred and backed.

Good Luck with the ed.

This was an exciting read.

It started off with the eerie shelter. Loved the words 'windows blinking....with tired eyes.' Great metaphor. You have a knack with the similes as well giving an extraordinary beauty and drama to the story.

The tension accelerates with the cries of the young pregnant woman and the appearance of Laslow and Blake. The sense of mystery deepens with each line. The fusion of light absorbing the reader.

Then the birth, opening up more questions as Laslow and Blake realize there are twins 'which often happens'.

The second chapter is captivating with the fire, the Mayor, the vivid light, the two men in black coats, the two women sobbing, a baby crying, Bastion's hands on fire yet he does not feel anything.

You have a tight style which flows faultlessly. The characters are well rounded and highly visual. The descriptions are strong grounding the characters and story.

An exhilarating read.

Great first chapter.

Backed with pleasure.

Best wishes,
Katy.xx
Phobic Dawn

You have a good story here with a very atmospheric opening. Nice dialogue and a healthy pace move thins along well. One minor point - does your book cover match the title ("at Toad Ridge" or "on Toad Ridge")? Backed with pleasure. Colin

Just read your first 2 chapters. What can I say that hasn't already been said. Great characters, you provide enough bait to draw a reader in but don't give the story away and good flow. I will back.

Would appreciate if you took a look at my book, "The Feydom of Sencal".

Best of luck.

Hi Just read your first 2 chapters. What can I say that hasn't been said before in the comments below. Great characters, first chapters provide enough bait to draw you end and excellent flow. I will back.

Would appreciate if you took a look at my book, "The Feydom of Sencal".

Hi Just read your first 2 chapters. What can I say that hasn't been said before in the comments below. Great characters, first chapters provide enough bait to draw you end and excellent flow. I will back.

Would appreciate if you took a look at my book, "The Feydom of Sencal".

Hi Just read your first 2 chapters. What can I say that hasn't been said before in the comments below. Great characters, first chapters provide enough bait to draw you end and excellent flow. I will back.

Would appreciate if you took a look at my book, "The Feydom of Sencal".

Hi Just read your first 2 chapters. What can I say that hasn't been said before in the comments below. Great characters, first chapters provide enough bait to draw you end and excellent flow. I will back.

Would appreciate if you took a look at my book, "The Feydom of Sencal".

My apologies for the delay in my comment but here it is.

I am completely enthralled by this book.
Your opening chapter is excellent and if I were reading this in a book shop I would HAVE to buy it to take home and read the rest.
The mystery and sense of foreboding you create oozes off the pages and makes the reader shiver with the atmosphere you have created.
You clearly are a talented writer.
I have only read three chapters so far but will be keeping this on my watch list so I can read the rest you have uploaded on Authonomy.
This is a definite book to watch and as I have already said this is a book I would definitely and absolutely buy.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Fascinating book you have started here! You weren't kidding when you said a mysterious world. I love the dark, moody feel to the story and your writing has a certain cadence to it that reminds me of fairy tales of old. You have rich descriptions and colorful characters, both have stayed with me. Sometimes fantasy can become very 'cookie cutter', they all follow the same blueprint, but I think yours really stood out to me as original. It's a nice piece of work so far!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

DF,

Again, a nice show of the literariness which seems gone, as it reminded me of similarly declaratively written pieces one saw collected in playboy when i was a kid, of that Ed McBain quality, not to mix genres, but a similar no nonsense writing.

It again understands that first rule of Calvino and of fanstsy, that winking to the camera or the reader is unallowed, and ruins the feel of it. The rule of fantasy is it must seem to actually take place or even a child shall wave it off. But again, what do i know, in that we live now in the twilight zone, where vampires a species of formalistic certainty which can be found going back to Pliny in its hostile glory has been as all else, sanitized for woman's readings delusions,and now Nosferatu has become David Cassidy. It seemed to understand as have other books here, that what has become fantasy is best described by what someone said of 'Lord of the rings' in film, that its was hardy boys adventure mixed with Australian tourism bureau travel porn, and becomes so as Calvino would say, all Jelly and no hard bread to spread it on. But then, that was a hit, and Calvino is still detested by this crowd a generation after he died, so again, what do i know...? A nice carefully put togthetre example of fantasy and it is nice someone in the hobbit world cared enough to recall a more dantean side of our empire where the Draculas even use Nair. Also, I like the author's use of initials, as it makes him seem like a British fabulist long before Tolkien, or a bandit who parachutes out of a hijacked Boeing airplane with a satchel of cash.

My best to you,
Tony

Dear DF Edward,

I like the sunlight and try to keep out of the dark, but I just had to take a look to discover What Happened on Toad Ridge. Great Thor's hammer, what a well-written piece.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

An original and taut fantasy written with style. Vivid characters. Skillful use of imagery. Convincing dialogue. An impressive story arc. Thorough world building. Clever wit. A very enjoyable read. Backed.

What part of Europe does this take place in? England? You have an interesting intuition for writing. It flows well enough, and you have a great imagination. Please read some of my book and let me know what you think. Goodluck with your manuscript.


blueboy

A surreal Twilight world that successfully distinguishes itself as new and fresh with an array of 3d characters in an atmospheric world that draws you in. very good, keep going

Dear DF,
I read your opening chapter with great enjoyment. You set the scene extraordinarily well! It made me think of the Young Frankenstein movie. Your description is intensely detailed but not so much as to slow the reader down.

The dialog between the 2 observers is sharp and funny. Perhaps the banter goes on a little too long, maybe cut a few of the 'are we sure we're in the right place' comments and a little of the 'birthday party, party pooper' lines. But that is a tiny objection. The dialog mostly moves the story forward, and surprises us at the end of the chapter when perhaps, they aren't real, maybe they are angels or something non human? Excellent spell binding ending to the first chapter.

I found one little typo right at the beginning of the shift to Blake and Laslow: 'these men were a very many things', not sure what you mean.

Also, I don't think you need the quote from Anonymous at the beginning. It doesn't add anything, and for a literal minded person like me, nothing comes from nowhere. So right away I'm thinking this is all fantasy where anything can happen, and that's not my cup of tea. I'm glad I read some of your story anyway because, so far, it's a mystery as to whether any of it is supernatural. It's obviously a Jesus/Mary story, but with the twins, you've created a great twist. You do have 3 men (as in 3 wise men) visit - the doctor and the two men, so I think you're covered there as far as paralleling the Bible story.

Your opening writing is compelling - I think you have something real here! I can see it as a movie too - can't wait to see it in the theater!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

DF, I'm really enjoying the story. At first I had read a couple of sentences where I thought I had a critique for you, but when I finished the chapter and then went back to the beginning to find them I couldn't. So I've got nothin'! I thought the writing was great, very descriptive but not over descriptive, and the story moved fast enough to get me engaged in the plot. Good work! I'll keep reading, if I find anything that really sticks out I'll shoot you another comment.

Nikki B
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO DRAGON FIRE
and
THE WORMS ARE COMING!

Hello DF,

Read the first two chapters of your MS. The writing is good and the characters authentic. It's a pleasure to back your book.

N.Lalit ( Siren )

Hi DF,
Have read 7 out of 8 as you are editing chapter 7!
Like the story very much. Dark goings on and wykans and magic a bit too much like Harry Potter, BUT really like it . Don't care if it has an echo of HP this is good story telling. And those Pickle people! Ugh they are horrible i hope you have something up your sleeve for them! A nice little tale for October that is how i prefer to look at it.
Well crafted with a dash of menace just the thing for a fall day...thanks for inviting me to read this and I hope this gets picked up.
:)
Diane

I thought this was going to be a "Wind in the Willows, type book from the title. Boy - was I wrong. This is a well thought out plot, with believable characters, who flesh out the bones of the story. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Hi DF ...

Sorry for taking so long but am having difficulties with this site. I have read most of what you have up and feel the story has great potential. You have two strong main characters in Bastion and Bella. You have a good plot developing but the flow in the first few chapters is a little over your target audience. The sentences are too long for YA and appear more suited to adults. The problem I had when I came on here was overwriting and I think you have the same. The flow is lost under all the explanation. Ask yourself does the reader need to know? Does it push the story along? And, is it relevant? Also read dialogue aloud, what looks good on paper sometimes does not work when spoken.

With that in mind I have re-written a few sentances from chapter 1 as I would write: 'Why Toad ridge was so called, no one could really say'.

'Once a medieval watchtower stood at its peak, but now it was nothing more than a crumbling ruin. On sunny days people would wander round its tumbledown dungeons and collapsed stairways. That all stopped a few years ago when two children were hurt after part of it fell down. No one ventured there now'. Please be aware these are only suggestions.

The ellipsis (Plural: ellipses) It is: 'word ... word' with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it should be: 'word ...' with a space before only. At the beginning of dialogue: ''... word' with a space after and should never be used with other punctuation: 'word ...,' In 'MS Word', holding down 'Alt Gr' and keying 'full stop' (period) gives a perfect ellipsis.

'Had and that' read a sentence containing these two, first with the word then without. In most cases these two can be omitted. Had is unnecesary before a word ending 'ed' as the word is past tense anyway. I have also noticed, in a few places, you use : 'he'd had' Contractions should not be used in 'third person' although it is becoming more common But if you remove the contraction, you have: 'he had had' so the 'apostrophe d' is unnecessary. Try and cut down on 'similes': 'It swirled and spun like an optical illusion'.

I apologise for my pickiness and hope this has been helpful. The latter chapters do have a better flow. 'Backed'. Regards ... Duncan.

The story of Bastian and Bella-brother and sister-who just want to be 'kids'. But other things are in store for them ... things out of their control. A new yarn, spun of fine silk ,that is sure to please.

WHAT HAPPENED ON TOAD RIDGE:

Well, what can I say? Expertly written.
Not my usual genre, but thought that I'd take a look, and read through four chapters. I love the choice of words, and the construction is superb.
Backed with pleasure
Sye
Losing The Hate

Suggest you have three men come to the shelter, to parallel the 'wise men'. Ancient scripture says a baby will save the world, you need three wise men, right?

Great suggestion. Thanks.

DF

Hey there DF. Looking at the below comments, I have to say that I like your pitch, or as we say in scriptwriting world, your synopsis. Don't need to give up all your secrets (aka conflicts) all in the first page. Foreshadowing is cool, but the world likes surprises. Particularly when you take your audience (or reader) into entirely different directions. Hitchcock comes to mind. Think you're doing well. Just be you.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

In regards to your pitch, I would have liked to know a little bit more of what the actual conflict will be in the book.

I like your style, and think you've got a good story. I'll be reading more, so far have only gotten into the first chapter.

In the first chapter, one thing I wondered about with Laslow and Blake is, could you introduce them without taking the reader out of the story. Rather than saying 'Laslow was the shorter of the two' you could say 'the shorter man moved to the foot of the staircase....' etc, and then when Blake answers his question include Laslow's name in the reply.

So - "Stop asking that, Laslow," replied the other.

Then when Laslow replies he uses Blake's name. So they introduce each other to the reader through dialogue rather than the narration introducing them. This brings the reader into the story more - makes them feel like they're experiencing the moment.

Another thing I wondered about was would these men really stop to take off and hang up their coats if they did not want to be seen? There was just a little disconnect in that moment. Unless the two are sort of outside people's perceptions - but then your narration says they had to take measures to not be seen.

These were not things that would stop me from reading on - I think you've done a good job and I will be returning to read more. :)

Sherry

There are a few times when you say that something they are doing is confusing or mysterious, but I don't know that you need those tags. Just the description of what they're doing alone is mysterious.

Only have time for the first chapter and found it interesting. I will try and return at a later date to continue with your story. Well done. The only thing I wasn't certain about was: span wildly . . . should it be spun?
Best of luck.

Suz

This is a good childrens' story. I particularly enjoyed the mayor's speech and thought the scene was very funny.This book is written in an elegant English and keeps up its standard.

Ok. Well, I really enjoyed this. Some notes I made when reading:

Good start - intrigued me from the outset and introduced the setting without being obvious. The ancient tower, the billowing clouds, the physical description was very evocative. One tiny thing - you could just say 'seen for miles around,' rather than 'miles and miles.' as it somehow weakens the image. I love the description of the doctor - you bring in a very normal, ordinary man to this setting - with that fabulous moustache - a minor detail that really brings him to life. Tiny point again: the car bit is a tiny bit clumsy. You could just say 'he parked his Mercedes.... narrowly avoiding scratching the paintwork....'

Another great detail is the old woman's teeth (close enough to see they weren't her own.) You are so good at these small details that are funny and very real. Then the two men - mysterious and obviously out of place, but then that lovely normal (and funny) dialgogue - 'Can you be quiet?'
'Can you be pleasant?'
altogether a wonderful first chapter.

I read another from the middle then chapter 8 - and I LOVE that clock and the moving map - and as for the sea chest - how I would have adored the idea of that as a young reader. (still do.)
Please let me know when you upload more. So far, this is a favourite. Backed.
Cariad.
STONES.

I have read the first two chapters and find no nitpicks to speakof! I find myself compelled to keep reading. I have especially enjoyed the dialogue between Blake and Laslow - im still not quite sure what they are looking for or why they are in this building but I promise to keep reading. Talented writing so far and I am anticipating you have a very gifted imagination! Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech room
A Fine Pickle

A grim and chilling tale for older children, and an intriguing vision of a Parallel universe, very reminiscent of Harry Potter. Also good insights into life as an orphan.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

This is an intriguing story, right up my alley. I enjoyed the mayor's reaction to Bastian's hands being on fire. Your descriptions paint a picture of this word and have me yearning for more. Best of luck with this!

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

Dear DF Edmund,
Thanks for the the invite to read What Happened on Toad Ridge..... These days I have so little time it is often very difficult to keep up with the demands on this site. I have however read your synopsis, and since I base my decision on a novel's synopsis I can tell you without doubt, I'd have no hesitation on buying your novel had I read it in a bookstore.
I commend you on your fine work, and with you much success.... Best of luck,
Backed of course
Helen
The Last Dream

I found Toad Ridge to be as engrossing as it was evocative with a silhouette of dark trees, tumble down ruined castle, dungeons and a dark night with a storm in the opening. What better introduction to capture the interest of the young reader? The work is captivating and does not patronise, a common failing among adults writing for children or young adults, with the graphic and dark hues of descriptive prose. The plot develops with the optimum pace and is populated with storybook characters who paradoxically appear three dimensional. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

The support I have had during my illness has meant so much to me and has kept my book afloat whilst I was unable to attend to reviewing and backing. I would very much appreciate you taking a look at it to see if it is worthy of your backing, thank you. I am now feeling a lot better and will be visiting the site and playing my part once more, though for a while I cannot fully participate by writing out my comments for each one, so, I am backing without comment, other than this note, which I have cut and pasted to all. However, if you require a comment, let me know and I will try to oblige as soon as I can. Otherwise, you can take it that, by backing your book, I enjoyed your work. Love, Mary – Oh, by the way. I am making it my mission to help prevent breast cancer in the older lady by asking everyone to ensure you remind every woman in your family over the age of fifty to not miss her mammogram appointments. I had no outward sign of the malignant cancer inside my breast. My mammogram showed it up before it had time to migrate to my lymph nodes and so, saved my life. A little reminder could save the lives of the women you love. Thank you.

All the hallmarks of the genuine writer are apparent here: confident, unpretentious, intelligent, fluid...It's so nice to encounter a diamond in the rough and this is one!
Backed with pleasure
Stewart

DF,

Your descriptions are so vivid that it is very easy for the reader to imagine the scene. With the exception of some minor punctuation and spelling errors, which I'm sure you'll catch during the revision stage, your writing skills are nothing short of excellent.
I applaud you for creating such a wonderful piece of fiction.
You have my support and backing.

Tom
[Humanoids]

Dear DF
well i would buy this book, well done, your characters have been painted with a reality brush so that they have become part of my family in my head. love them. totally original and hope you keep writing ( also post the rest of the story)
BACKED FOR SURE BY ME
Denise
The Letter
please take time to comment and back my book if you feel so, if not that is OK also thank you and the VERY best of luck

A very entertaining read and something that gives the impression of good writing that could be filmed.

BACKED

This was a joy to read. I loved your opening, which is so important and yours starts on a stormy night, excellent. Lots of tension and things happening. I couldn't help smiling the mentioning of the rugby highlights. Your writing is excellent and your descriptions brilliant. This is so atmospheric I could imagine myself actually in the shelter. Brilliant, backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

You've described a dark and mysterious world very well in your opening chapter. The narrative and dialogue are good, but I thought the exchange between Laslow and Blake rambled a bit. Great hook, with the birth of the special child. Your story oozes supernatural, but just enough to keep up the suspense. Fabulous read. Backed with pleasure.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Edmund,
You are a prolific writer and this is surely the best childrens' fantasy book ever. Nice dark tones with Toad Ridge and the setting is awesome and imaginative to keep young readers glued. Good drama with the doctor and the intrigue of the homelesss shelter awaits. You have all the facets of a solid, comprehensive plot and theme. Good narrative voice.

Backed happily.
(You may wish to check a few points)
had used (used)
In any case, tonight was no night for sightseeing (this is a kill sentence. Try- As many night before, tonight was..

Edmund your wonderful book is backed with pleasure. We need good books and lots of them for our children . This one is well written and will keep the kids interested. Beth Anne, WOW, I must be a kid too! (:)

I can see from the writing this is intended for children and I think is written in a style that is perfect for young readers to grasp. It has a good pace and plenty is going on to keep their attention. Happy to back it.

Only a couple of thoughts.
Try to avoid using ‘that’ too much’. “…leaning so close that he couldn’t help but notice that her teeth…” you don’t need either ‘that’ in this sentence.
“Is he dead?” Yes…she won’t survive. – I’m not sure this makes sense since if the answer is Yes, why ask the next question.

Tony
Life Bringer

This book is well written and stokes up the fires of our imagination.There are enough unanswered questions for us to want to read on.

dialogue and narrative make a good book= l shall put it on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

This story has it. The magical instant hallmark of quality that immediately identifies a work as something a little special, that has published work written across every page. The characters and the bleak forboding atmosphere are superbly rendered, the descriptions are refined and detail the setting perfectly, the plot is gripping and very original. I cannot recommend this story highly enough and have every confidence that it will become a successful debut novel.

Backed without hesitation.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Bastian. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the youth audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I read this to my kids to put them to bed last night. The littlest fell asleep in ch 2. My eldest read the rest while I put the young ones in bed. I got through ch 4. It was a hit with the kids--I think that's about the best feedback I can give you.

I would add, though, that I'm glad my 3 year old fell asleep--it's a bit intense for her. Scary. My eldest, 10, was thrilled with it.

". . . where no one is who they seem to be." That sounds familiar. Have we not been living through that since Hell from the Sky in Kosovo, Revenge in Afghanistan, and then Shock and Awe? The strange world of stains on blue dresses leading to cruise missiles aimed at aspirin factories in the Sudan, followed by attacking modern Hitlers Serbia and Iraq. Who are the Vykans: Bushies or Vegans? Thrust "into the dark, decaying world of Vykan society." Beware of a "medieval watchtower" on a peak and old homeless shelters with pregnant girls inside and prophecies in the air. Poor Dr. Terrence he just wants to help, but the mother dies after birthing twins who are then swifted away by two with magical power. The next chapter has the twins in an orphanage, now two young boys who are ready to be whisked away again by magic. This is intriguing. I'll be back to read more when I get a little time. Your writing is quite accomplished and rather fascinating with a nice balance of dialogue and description. Backed for now.