Mega Byte

Thanks to all those of you who have commented and/or shelved MB--particularly JohnnyVee.

I'm still (and forever) editing the first few chapters taking into account many of your recommendations--so please keep the latter coming (and I'll reciprocate).

Oh, and by the way, this is NOT a book about computer games (but computer nerds are still welcome).

Hi Lucie, Very upbeat and eccentric at the same time. The outset portends of something fantastic with the computer or robot. The dialogue delights while the Fanchon’s issues with Ostraka fuel the action. The prologue might intimidate a bit but once into the story, I think this would fascinate the young reader. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Backed January 11.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

I really liked this. The opening was intriguing and the end of chapter 1 was a page turner. I went on and read chapter 4 out of context and was able to follow the plot and characters even reading out of context. The only thing I wished would be that you used the word said more. The character mutters, murmurs, announces, asks, answers, repeats, adds -- while the variety was nice I started to really notice it. Said (or in your case says) is basically invisible to the reader. Nice consistent use of tense by the way -- kudos to you. On my shelf for a bit.

Hi Lucie, this is a really interesting premise and an original piece. I like your use of Leet its a different slant on things, stupid of me maybe but I didn't know it existed. The story is flowing nicely I like the insight into the computer world and the links between this and the real world. Its on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Sort of a cross between Tron and Mommie Dearest. The opening scenes inside the computer world are quite good, and I believe I detect an analogy between the dragon in the game and Fanchon's mother (or is she her step-mother?) in the real world, who certainly comes across like a dragon. You build characters well -- Fanchon, her mother, her father, even the robot, all have personalities, and your dialogue at the breakfast table is true to each. I am not crazy about the slight stutter you have given Fanchon, but I can see why it is necessary -- insecure in the real world, the game world is where she can excel. This book will have tremendous appeal to young adults. I can also see it becoming a film. Shelved.

Original and interesting, it should engage the target market with ease. If you can get them away from their computers, that is!

Andrew

I read the first chapter and I thought it was great fun. The idea of disappearing into a screen is not new but it is not common either. I liked the tilt towards dragons in everything.
Chapter 2 is completely crazy – children will love it. I think it has a weirdness that will really appeal and the narrative is very good. I didn’t notice any errors and I enjoyed what I read. Well done. I will back it with pleasure.

Adrian
Jack and Boots.

This is sure to apeal to children. They will adore it. Backed, Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Kids are sure to love this book! Backing!

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly
The Hobble Knobble Gobble Tree

Interesting...not only do I gain better insight to special net vernacular, I get to experience a game as novel.
wondering why she calls her robot a noob as an insult in this instance? He woke her up, didn't make a newbie mistake?
yes...v much like the idea of little pixels flicking away/disintegrating...v nice.
you have me wondering if these are actual terms/universally known by gamers or if they're created by you=good.
I love the modern youth voice in this.
Just went to check your profile again...wondering how old you are...not that it matters really.
-=Bradley

My boys will love this.
KC
The Mysterious Legend of Vladimir

Lucie, this is original, entertaining and sure to do well in it's target market. I'd only suggest you cut down the opening about Leet somewhat - a much shorter para is really all that's needed, otherwise eds and agents won't bother to read any further, they're notoriously turned off by anything that reeks of being told what they should know (as they know best!) Shelved with pleasure.

Loved this, I'm sorry, I've only read the beginning but it's very good, excellent, tight writing, great characterisation and more to the point great fun. Would definitely read the whole thing if I found it in a library or a book shop so shelved without demur.

Cheers

Mary Mc
(Few are Chosen: comic fantasy)

Lucie,

Found you via your comment on 'In it for the Holidays', great work that one.

Starting with your pitch, as is my habbit, the short version is droll and seems likely to me to grab kids attention.

Long pitch covers the essentials and again seem well pitched for a YA audience. The only observation I had on this was to wonder whether you'd considered breaking the first--long--paragraph in two (I'd do it after, 'no on tells her what to do either' so there's a short paragraph on the inciting event before the excellent tag talk hook at the end.

Into the work proper and my habbit here is to read the opening fourteen lines--being approximately a page--and then ask myself, would I turn the page?

This give me two and a half paragraphs and takes me into the foreword and an explanation of l33t. This is a nice mix of amusing and informative--though I worry a little that the target audience will not need the introduction (and may find fault with it, kids being kids).

Into the chapter, starting with a dream is often noted as one of the cliched openings for a novel. However, for me you've pulled it off and done so well. You fooled me in that I thought Fanchon was playing a game . . . simply on the basis of the pitch, thus I was surprised by it being dream and, therefore, it was okay.

The actual dream scene is very good too, it took me back to my teenage days of Dungeons and Dragons, and I held my breath with Fanchon.

Then the simple mechanism of a robot shows me, very effectively, that Fanchon's real world is not like ours.

Dragons, robots and computer games: Seems to me you have everything necessary to appeal to kids of a certain age (9-12, perhaps, maybe a shade older, my 13 year old might like it). A female MC is a nice touch, and having a father who owns a games company may strike many kids as the coolest thing ever. Seems to me a lot of thought has gone into this.

You have a fragment of French over breakfast, that is not translated (my little sugar) and I wonder whether perhaps it should be in a YA work.

There's a line of dialogue beginning "I'm sure the toast was filling enough," where you might want to look at the punctuation, I think--but I'm no expert--that the second comma should be a full-stop.

"I'll go and oil my armpits", love this line.

In the paragraph about the pressents that 'suq' you say the abacus was interesting because she didn't know what it was, but because we're in her viewpoint, that's a problem. I'd suggest you consider saying something like:

The only vaguely interesting one were something called an ababcus . . .

Great ending to the chapter, including a delayed explanation of petit sucre.

This is great, I've had very few nit picks on my way through and I'm happy to give this a spin on my shelf.

Mega Byte is going to be a bit of a struggle if uber noobs like me have to learn a whole new language to read it properly. However, this will probably appeal to the target audience, so I'll give it a backing if that's not too uncool for words.

Hi Lucie!

I've breezed through three chapters effortlessly and am completely captivated...

First thing's first. I love the cover! It's eye-catching with the brilliant pink and shocking green. Looks just like it's jumping out of a video game. It's sure to catch the eyes of the kids!

Your pitch and story are also very well done. I love how, in the last paragraph of your pitch, you introduce the new language. Then you continue that trend by adding definitions at the beginning of each chapter - great way to keep the continuity! Your imagination shows through in the character names, and your descriptions kept my mind fresh with images, detailing each scene the player was seeing as they trolled through the game. This is very, very good! Totally shelved.

Kim
Invisible Justice

This is cool, very original and great fun to read. Even though it's a very different story it had me thinking of A Clockwork Orange in terms of the use of langauge. Nothing to fault, happy to back, and looking forward to reading more.

Lucie,
This is great writing. I love girls with grit (see my book) and Fanchon is my kind of girl. The dragon scene sounds so real then she wakes up to a foam fanged pillow, made me chuckle. Your book is very clever and so well written. As an editor I couldn't find anything to suggest. Well done. I wanna play Fyrekrake IV. Fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

I loved Mega Byte. It's clever and it made me smile. I particularly liked your characters, Fanchon and Ostraka. I think in our computer geek age this is an excellent antidote to mega-speak and bytes and all of the other terms I've always had difficulty getting my head around! Backed with pleasure - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

My goodness, I think this is completely outside my experience and knowledge, so I don't know how useful I can be here. I thought at first that the abbreviated talk at the end of the pitch was text-talk, except that it is nothing like the text talk used by UK kids - last year I compiled a lexicon of that (which I may use in a future book, simply because it seems to be a new language in its own right). But I soon came to realise that this wasn't text-talk, but game talk - am I right? In which case, I think the success of the whole book depends upon whether you've got the language and the culture right, and only your target audience can tell you that, so I suggest you float it around your local game-playing kids. For sheer bravery, it has my backing. Good luck! Tony.

When I say this book is different, I mean it is different. I don't even no how to comment on it. I never played a computer game so this futuristic world you have created was totally foreign to me. Liked the pace and the humor. Got a place on my shelf. C.P

Hi Lucie.
This is one seriously brilliant book. I *want* a bed like Fanchon's!

I could devour this story in one sitting, but unfortunately I have others to read. Suffice to say that I found it engrossing. I really like your style and also you have some great lines. 'Muzzle the size of dad's Range Rover'! Brilliant.
The only nit I saw was 'The large packed had contained...' packet? parcel?

I could easily see this being made into a film, I think it's already half-way there. I also think it'd be a smash hit!
On my shelf with pleasure.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY.

Lucie

I hope you've gone somewhere really nice......

I found the opening on Leetspeak seriously heavy going.....Like reading the handbook for the new iphone.....Although, in fairness, I recognise good writing when I see it, and commend you for that....

Once I got into the story, I breathed out! and enjoyed it.....

I wouldn't listen to me, I'm sure every Leetpeak word in necessary, its just makes for a hum drum opening....(in my view only).....

Chapter one has a dramatic ending , you have an amazing imagination. Shelv ed

This is truely brilliant. So inventive and sureal but based firmly in reality. I could believe every sentence. This is how young children people their fantasy world. I loved it and I think a child would too. Backed with great enthusiasm.
BADD

Lucie
I was very pleased to discover that you the heroine doesn’t like Leetspeak. I don’t think I could read a book that was full of it. Thank you for going easy on us older folks, because a lot of us like YA too.
This is very original premise. I really like your natural sounding dialogue. You paint scenes very well and make it easy for the reader to enter the story. I like the characters and can see you are setting up a compelling story for your target reader.
Watch for words ending in ‘–ly’, apparent-ly they aren’t popular in novels today.
Shelved with my best wishes.
David
Green Ore

Hi Lucie, here are some notes as promised! The Foreward: I like this. I noticed someone commented that oldies will switch off at this point. Well, I’m old compared to your target readership and I didn’t. I think kids will find it cool.

The dragon bed is great, as is the fact that she’s from a wealthy family. It brought to mind the Artemis Fowl books – and is something else I think kids will like. Being rich and having endless access to computer games!? As I mentioned before, the way you convey the conservatory is very clever: subtle mentions of glass, and the hard floor – then Ostraka appears, all cold and glasslike herself.

“The sharp clunk of porcelain on glass was followed by the clickety-click of Ostraka’s receding heels”. Very good. It seems effortless but I know it’s not!

I was slightly confused by the gift of the car. It can’t be big enough if it fits under her desk, can it?? There was also a typo “The large packed had”. One last thing – I couldn’t clearly picture how she could pick the box up by the sword handle if it’s carved?

I’ll get back to you when I read more! It’s a great start though!

Hi Lucie, I finally read your first chapter and really enjoyed it. I love the dragon bed, and her jagged relationship with her mother is great. You subtly managed to invoke the atmosphere in the conservatory too - sounds in particular. NOT easy. This is funny and witty, a really good read. Best wishes Katherine. P.S. I did make some notes - nothing at all major. I'm asking if you'd like them because time is unbearably short at the moment so I'm asking first if people want suggestions!

Hello Lucy. When I read the forward to your book, I though, oh, oh, probably not for me. All that getting my head around new words and crazy sounding names. But how wrong was I? Completely wrong. I loved the story and managed the new words just like you said any reader would. The pictures you conjour up are priceless: the dragon bed, Fanchon's father surrounded by orchids, and so on. Lovely, original story. Backed. Nicky. (Nuns and Pregnant Girls.) Smashing title & cover, by the way.

Hi Lucy. Very cool beginning. I really like it. A few nits... '...sooty nostrils she could have stuck her head inside.' - not too fond of 'inside.' Maybe just 'in?'
I'm getting hollered at for using so many words ending in 'ly.' As a result, I'm becoming aware of them in other people's work. You have some that seem unnecessary. Maybe you could re-think them.
This is extremely well written. Descriptions are excellent and dialog flows well.
Good ending for chapter one.
'The floor is cold too, and damp and she's sitting on it.' - A hair clunky there, or maybe it's just me.
Good colorful terminology in this chapter (3)... funny. A fun chapter. Great for younger readers I'd think.
Another good ending hook there for this chapter.
Got through chapter 3. I'm sold. This is good. Deserves a boost. On my shelf. Best of luck with it.

This is so unusual and unique and my boys would actually really enjoy this. Especially with all the gamer geek talk and such. This is written very well for your audience and they'll appreciate how much care you've taken in not only highlighting their interests, but showing them a great new world with the robots and stuff. It's like a red-headed step-child version of Richie Rich but made in today's world. Shelved

Amanda
Rescuing Liberty

Mega Byte—
Lucie,

I happened upon your book and was intrigued so I thought I would check it out. Wow what a fascinating read. It’s not like anything I’ve read before. I think it’s great. I am emotionally connected to Fanchon and feel so badly for her. You’ve done a great job of showing us who she is, who her family is and how she feels. I love the voice in her head (and that you call it that).
I just had a few things pop in my head as I read:

How old is she? Which birthday is it? No one mentions that.

When did she put her glasses on- I don’t sleep with mine. Wondering how they appeared on her face? :-)

The website went down of course when I clicked Chapter two, so I will have to end this here. I really enjoyed it, I think you have a great premise and I wish you the best with it.
On my shelf.
~Krista Darrach
--Riley’s Gift

Hello Lucie,

Your story deserves to be treated with respect. It has all it takes to make it big with its target. It triggers the imagination,especially for the young and it is a story I will recommend to the young minds I hold dearly. I see you haven't been giving it enough push. It is ab accomplished piece of writing. I too I am guilty of spotting it late. Deserves a spin on my shelf.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hey Lucie,

Okay, so I'm cheating. I didn't wait for you to say if you wanted to go ahead and swap first - I just jumped right in. I'm so glad I did! I have a few things that jumped out at me -

~ We "hear" Fanchon's name a great deal. There are plenty of places that "she" would work just as well (if not better), and would (IMHO) improve the flow.

~ In Chapter Two, you have a short description of Leet again, which seems redundant after the most excellent explanation you gave in the Foreword.

~ Also in Two - "...sapping Health Points faster than anyone can say noob." - I think you're bordering on overkill with the noob, and the perfect term (given the intro to the chapter) would be, "faster than anyone can say pwned". YMMV.

~ Tiny formatting note in Chapter Three - extra space in, "It's blatantly obvious what they're doing. They' re falling..."

Otherwise, SO MUCH AWSUM!!!!!111!!!!!!1!

Oh, and shelved!

~Traci

Great story. Shelved.
First I thought I wouldnt be able to follow it
But it turned out fine and fascinating.
Suggestions
I could be wrong but it might be good idea not to explain LEET right at the start.
Oldies might get brain freeze and not go further.

This is one of the few times where I really have to say 'this is not my thing.' I have no clue about gamers or anything of the like... But, you explained it well without me feeling like I was being taught. I was drawn into the story and your writing is clear and flows well. Your characters are great and you've created an interesting world here.
The fact that your hooked a reader who normally wouldn't even pick this up says something. I'm a fan! This is on my shelf.
-Eden*
(The Abandoned Edge of Avalon)

I read your very first chapter and was informed by your prologue. Interesting stuff I was not aware of. I do like the breezy way you tell this tale. This is a quick paced story and that appeals to me.

I think you could cut back on starting many sentences/paragraphs with the name Fanchon.

Your short pitch is terrific. Think you can redo the long pitch.

SHELVED! My book could use a bit of work in the latter chapters so I do look forward to your comments on them if you get time. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Fanchon was about to ask him wether he’d improved…” just for info. ‘wether- means castrated ram’ I guess you mean whether.

This is a well written book that will appeal to children. The plot moves a long a good pace and quickly introduces the main character and her environment. Good imagination and an original idea will ensure its success. I am sure my 12 year old son would enjoy this and I am happy to back it. Well done.

Tony

Oh this is very very clever indeed. I don't begin to understand half of it which is excellent as I'm not the target audience. Just love the way you introduce the language at the beginning of each chapter. Fabulous dysfunctional family too, to earth it all.
You have a lovely turn of phrase and your descriptions are fabulous - not a lazy one there (that I could find).
I can't crit it - just wouldn't know where to begin - but I do think you've got something really different here and so hope you do well with it.
Shelved, of course.
Jane (Walker)

Lucie,

This is the sort of book I would love to read, even though it is meant for children. I was so absorbed in your world that I forgot I was supposed to be critiquing you. Sorry for that, but you had me captivated. I love the main character and her quirky family. I could see the dragon head bed. What great imagery!

It was a pure escape to read.

On my shelf,
ML

Lucie,

This is exactly the kind of book missing from the children/young adult section in bookstores! I loved Alan Gibbons books growing up(Shadow of the Minotaur etc...) and I had a similar feeling reading this! It is so much fun, really clever and perfectly aimed at the target audience. I am a crazy gamer myself so you have combined my two greatest loves! Hehe. Fanchon is an awesome character, she jumps off the page. The pace is spot on for youngsters, moves fast. This is just really imaginative and I can see it doing so well, its contemporary storytelling done right. The first few chapters seem very polished, its obvious you have been working hard on them! The grammar is fine & the punctuation etc - cant offer much in the way of edits. Some would argue that you use italics too much, but I love them...they break up the prose and I use them all the time for my protagonists thoughts!

I loved it - I hope you upload more. How I wish I could fall into world of warcraft...I most certainly am NOT a n00b!

Giving this a spin on my shelf, well deserved :)
Melanie.

Hi Lucie,
I didn't quite know what to expect, but I have to say what extraordinary fun this is. I love your style, it is unique, and teh whole story looks like it will appeal to your target audience without question. I have not read it all yet, but I will be back for more. Teh book is most definitely going on my shelf, it is roxxor!!!!!!!!!!!!
Regards,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

hey,
I read your first chapter, and am loving this.
"A head shot would be safer." Well, not for the person you're head shoting.
I like your writing and how you break it up with italics; i do the same thing. I find your voice very entertaining.
Popping this on my shelf, and hoping to return for more, but my schedule who knows.

Regards,

Mark H

Completely roxor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like such a noob.

:)

now up to chapter four and loving it! Wasn't sure about Leet's transformation to Pandora to begin with, but getting to like it. You do know that in Leet you have created one of those characters that everyone is going to love (he's roxxor, is that right?), despite his smelly fur and bad attitude!

great first chapter - i absolutely love your characters and there is something slightly off kilter about this whole thing, reminds me a little of 'pushing up the daisies' in its almost dark fairytale tone (does that make sense). Reading more, you bet! Will comment further later.

Ooh, the joy of Authonomy - you never know what you're going to find!

I've not read anything like this before, but why should that matter. In fact, if anything, it means I come without preconceptions. I've read three chapters and will now try to avoid too many superlatives.

The writing: slick. The dialogue is especially strong - Leet has just become one of my favourite characters (a rat who's a mouse - brilliant! And I'm assuming that Pandora is somehow related to the stone box). But while the characters all have distinctive voices - even the robot - the remainder of the prose is similarly sharp and polished. Edits and rewrites have given it that sheen. Just two typo glitches I spotted: in chapter 1, there's a 'wether' where it should be a 'whether' ('whether he'd improved Sir Tytude's ...') and in chapter 2, a stray apostrophe ('There' isn't a rat ...')

As I said, the dialogue is excellent. Leet's 'word of mouse' had me grinning, and his insults are superb ('cratter-headed munchlump' and 'limp-limbed pastrylicker' were two particular favourites). You've also got something really clever going on with your repetitions (a trick that Homer used), such as 'the voice in her head'. It's all of a whole and, for me, it all works.

As your use of 'Leet' words increases, I began to get flashbacks to 'A Clockwork Orange'. I'm sure the kind of reader more likely than me to pick this up in a bookshop would love all those words, like rozzor or pwn (which seems rather Welsh-sounding to me!).

This book needn't appeal only to gamers. I'n no real fan of fantasy or sci-fi, so I go by the writing and the ideas. The plot keeps moving, with a great deal of imagination, and the writing (sorry, but I'm going to say this) is excellent. You've also done something with this book that I think is pretty smart, having read a lot of fantasy on here - and that's making the 'ordinary world' of Fanchon's home life very nearly as surreal as the fantasy world of the game. This meant that my interest did not wane when we shifted from fantasy to normality, but rather, I feel, you keep the reader primed imaginatively and ready for anything.

Lucie, I've been trying to think of something more critical to say. But I can't. I really enjoyed it. And so, mildly pissed off, I'm going to back this out of spite.

Simon

Mega Byte...

I think your target market will go wild!!!!!

Only one nit really. I think you repeat Fanchon's name too often...this can distance your reader from the character and from the scene.

Oh, and those nasty adverbs. Noah Lukeman, an agent, says that agents will reject based on your first five pages if they find too many of the suckers, and sometimes even one is too many (unless it's an unusual one.) His book, coincidentally, is called The First Five Pages.

Great story and really interesting, even for the non-gamers.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions...and backing, if possible...because I'm trying to hang onto my place on the Editor's Desk AND revise at the same time.)

Mega Byte...

Saw your insightful comments on My House Eats People, so had to take a look at your work.

Love your pitch.

I think I must be a noob, or maybe I'm not. What's a noob???

Reading on....

This is a nice topical fantasy story. I prsumed from reading one chapter that it is intended for young adult audiences. As such there is a great deal of competition I'm told the world has to be original and panoramic. I suppose that is meant to signify that the HC editor's world is is small and limited but maybe not.
This is well written and you don't come out of it without wanting to read the next chapter.
Dialogue is also good, furthering the plot and building the characters.
I like this story and it has left me wondering where it is going, which is what you want for a first chapter.
Shelved for that reason.
Best,
Fred

Maybe I'm stupid, but I didn't understand this. If the first couple paragraphs confuse me I don't read on. I'm sorry. But my opinion doesn't matter much on this site, so it's all good.