Publish Me, I Print Money

Hi,

I'm here to read and crit. Since you don't seem interested in the whole stars/backing malarky, I'll do my best to pick out any problems that jump out at me. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. They will just be my thoughts, after all. + you can easily ignore me if you think I'm an idiot. :)

Chapter 1 : Ooh I didn't expect a script. It reads well. Plenty of tension. I like the constant "John's". It's like a ticking clock in the background, ratchetting up the tension.

1 small thing: in regular writing, ellipses are for pauses, while em dashes are for interruption. So if you want a section drawn out it should be "I can't ... you ... it just can't fucking happen." (Please ignore this point if the conventions are different for scripts)

small nitpick here. I think "... as he bites loosely onto the tip of his tongue" would be clearer and more vivid as something like "... as he bites the tip of his tongue."

Fun ending. Abrupt and unexpected words. I liked this. :)

Chapter 2: I like the flavour and tone at the start, but I'd rather get into the action a bit quicker. Is there any way you could trim your early paragraphs? I wouldn't use brackets either, as I feel they can pull the reader out of the story. I don't think it's be a problem to include the bracketed bits "naked", as it were.

I'd normally suggest showing more and telling less with regards to writing technique, but I think you know how all that works and have written this story in the way you have deliberately. It is interesting, but I felt it didn't really go anywhere. I thought the ending to the 1st chapter was better.

Chapter 3: Again, lots of character to the writing. Good description.

1 minor thing I'd suggest is to go for stronger verbs rather than weaker verb-adverb pairs eg I think "dangled" would work better than "hung gracefully" and "stared" better than "intently watched."

The disturbing aspect grows gradually as I read through this chapter. Again, ordinarily I'd suggest this would be better written in a more direct, less wordy fashion, but I suspect it's your very writing style that contributes to the effectiveness of the story. It's intriguing.

Hmmm I think it's clear you have talent and versatility as a writer. You're good at evoking v different feels. I'll rate your work highly, even though I know you're not interested in that. Have you ever submitted any of your shorts to magazines/competitions? I think it might be worth trying.

Let me know if you get anywhere submitting any of your stories. I'd love to hear of your success. :)

Pete

Did you grow up reading Edgar Allen Poe? :) Perhaps I've read too many murder mysteries. I rather liked Man with a Hand Gun. And I chuckled at your comment about 'Movin on down.' Thank you for uploading your work for us.
Cheers!
John B Campbell

hmmm, very interesting, i wasn't sure to wince or laugh at the first story. uncomfortable reading!

Jillian
Running out of Road

ID,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

First my deep apologies for the delay, somehow this got lost on my WL.

I read 1 and 3 and the frame that comes to mind is Beckett's short plays. For in "a man with a hand gun" you have three similarities.

First a situation in extremis, a man holding a shot gun. Second, a dialogue that borrows from both, metaphysics (i.e. "Nowadays cats are practically....") and slapstick (i.e. "are you here with me, do you see two people") and third, the absurdist ending (i.e. "my pen is out of ink') whose aim is to inform the readers that this is.....

......writing.

"Some crazy shit writes a letter", has also an interesting mix. Like in Beckett's endgame, there is man talking to himself; in Beckett, it was through a tape, in your case, through a letter.

There is a bit of O'Hara and the "painting poets" in the questioning of 'how we see" rather than what we see:

"images of life that are not as literal...."

There is a bit of Punk poetry in there...in the sense of ......make it gross.....write it poetically

"Smear her blood across the brick wall hiding in seclusion...."

and beat poetry too, in the stretching the metaphor until the words are re-framed:
:
"between his thumb and forefinger twists a plastic wrapped candy-cane with twisted colors of rose and jade"

very post modern, very interesting

david

Dear Fellow Authonomite- Firstly let me say this is not one of those crass and frankly vulgar round robins sent to secure mass backing on a scale hitherto unseen on this or any other site. No on the contrary! My good friends let us remember why we came here. I like you have suffered for my art. I am forever your obedient servant and I would like to think you are mine and so dear friend should you give me a six star rating and place me on your beautiful shelf for a dozen or so days I will truly not forget your kindness. In fact I will personally ensure a glass of Moet will be reserved for you at the launch of my best seller The Men of Dunwich, yes you dear friend, imagine leaving that glittering launch with a personally signed copy of my masterpiece. What more could anyone want?

God bless you for your kindness.

Richard Thurston

Movin' on down,
To the west side.

this is very unusual. but l like it. this type of book shows the wide spectrum that is literature...6 stars******= on my watchlist for now...
read SEASONS...

Not sure what's going on here. I need to read more and switch off my surroundings. You're book is now on my watchlist, but I'm thinking bookshelf?
1st chapter (story) is like a bad dream I may of already had, or maybe, will have. Guns really make you think, I think?
Please scan through TUNNEL VISION. We all need a gun to our heads! Nigel.

Your profile is fun, so is your pitch and the book jacket. Therefore you are already on the winning side.
Writing is wacky and if you upload more, we'd probably learn what to expect of this book.
Cheers, M
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

This is a window on another world.

There has been a spate of 'Parody' writing on here to try and make someone look stupid when commenting. This may be one of them for all I know but I detect a thread running through these chapters which if connected would make a good story. To me, they are not separate stories, they are one and the same plot and if re-written and consolidated they would be very effective. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Tagged with the letter 'e'

I feel cheap.

I got a rating three and a half stars more than what was to be expected.

Quit breaking the system.

(You know I love you)

Your pitch suggests to me that you deserve a backing. You've got it. Good luck!

Gabriel(It Goes On Forever.)

Well this makes a change, why not a cover like this, why not a story that don't make any sense to me or anyone else for that matter. To hell with the conventional and bring in the weird.
I will back this book for being wacky. You got me, hurry up and get it in print.
Backed,
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

I guessed from the pitch that this was going to be pretty offbeat and I was not disappointed. Anyone with this wacky kind of imagination deserves to succeed , so I hope that it does not all end in tears. Not yours, anyway!

Good luck! Philip John

Alright, I'm in the processes of editing my current stories, perhaps organize them a more appropriate format -- I'm sorry if there's people out there with some stories I promised to read.

It's going to be a busy week with midterms and all.

This was awesome! I didn't really know what to expect going from story to story! But that's not a bad thing. Some Crazy was my favorite, it stood out to me among the rest. These are very refreshing and unique and for me, that is exactly what I look for. Nice job on this.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Interesting opener, actually very interesting,
A Dollar is one heck of a story. The thing that grabbed me was the voice. Wish I could write like that.
Some Crazy is one nice piece of wordsmithing.
Sunscreen is okay, but something’s missing. Don’t ask what for I don’t know…just a feel of something else needed.
Madness is nice, too, but too much “telling.” The voice is there but (personal feel) I feel no tension.
For my money, Dollar is the one I liked the most.
Good luck
Dan
PS. Could you pls check mine? Comment/backing will be appreciated.

I just added a new short story in the latest chapter:

A Story that Really Doesn't Go Anywhere (I think is the title, I'm too lazy to remember).

Enjoy.

I'll back you...why not? After all, nobody else seems to know either!
Stewart

Different, quirky, unique, utterly mad at times. What's not to like? Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

I like the short stories and find you cover catchy. Good luck and Backed Beth Anne

I agree with your long pitch but in some ways I do find your short stories appealing. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I read (2) A dollar for every policy and an old person for every grave. Beautifully written and strangely compelling.

I'll back your book and wish you well with it.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

You are totally fantastic, Inherently! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Inherently, I loved all your poems most of all in chapter 5. :) Your pitch prepared me for your short stories with chapter 1 being the fastest ever that I've read :) - I love short stories. :) Hope you'll write many more :) - particularly happy ones & ones with poems. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take just a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

I didn't even bother reading it, but the very idea of this...thing, amuses me. So there is that.

:) comment to follow - read & commented shortly thereafter :)