Manna From Hell

Paul--
I'm watchlisting this on spec and am eager to read it, as my first try ever at a crime novel was set in Liverpool. I'm a bit apprehensive of throwing my Merseyside stories into the fray, knowing you're in here to call my bluff (on my knowledge of the area, as I'm a Yank, and on the policework fronts).

If you wouldn't mind having a look at Trouble at Hazard House, which is set in Greater Manchester, I'd certainly appreciate any comments.
--Jason

This is strangely readable and enjoyable and it probably shouldn't be. You do like to paint pictures with your words and to describe things in a no nonsense way. It seems to have got the lot in terms of a crime thriller. I am enjoying reading it. I say it shouldn't be enjoyable because the writing is a bit clunky and unpolished, but the story and the setting is good enough to merit some more work on it. I'm going to bookshelf it for a bit because it deserves a boost.

Hi Paul, finally got the chance to read the first chapter. Your strengths are obviously in your knowledge of police procedure, and in your descriptions of locations - I could imagine the homes and other buildings pretty well from your writing.

With dialogue, I think you need to work more to differentiate the characters' voices, they all sound fairly similar. There are also a couple of small typos: it's instead of its, liase instead of liaise. And it'd probably be good to use exclamation marks less frequently, definitely a case of less is more.

Hope this is useful feedback! If you have a moment, I'd appreciate some comments on my novel Mind the Gap.

Hello Paul. First - thanks for your kind remarks about Cornucopia - just the lift I needed at this stage! Second, have looked briefly at 'Manna from Hell' Chap 1. and have placed it carefully on my book shelf. Your past experience with the police adds that sense of authenticity from the outset and I look forward to reading on!

Hi Paul,
Thanks for the comments on The Three Bears, Manna seems to be doing well, good luck with it, well-deserved

Hi Liz, You are spot on with your critique. That same idea was suggested at my writing group and I was going to change it but found this site and uploaded straight away. I am going to do some work on the MS as it has not even been read properly by me with regard to tidying it. (Long involved building work at home).
Your comments are very pertinent and valued, I will get around to my bookshelf as soon as possible. Thanks again. Paul

Hi Jason,
Thanks for the interest, Manna is written from the perspective of baddies and goodies and the police procedure is mainly relating to the Regional Crime Squad. I have had a quick scan of your book and put it on my watchlist, 'luckily' is duplicated quite closely in the first paragraph I notice but I will have a read and let you know. You are doing well to write about another country, especially concerning the nitty-gritty of police work. When in Last Vegas earlier this year I bought and read a book called The Welsh Girl by an American author, Peter Ho Davies, it was about prisoner of war camps and Rudolph Hess in the last war. He had the scene set perfectly, not I would think an easy task. Then you have to get round the different words and spellings Harbour-Harbor, Boot-Trunk, Toilet-Bathroom etc. Keep up the good work and I will get back after a perusal. Paul

Paul--
I'm watchlisting this on spec and am eager to read it, as my first try ever at a crime novel was set in Liverpool. I'm a bit apprehensive of throwing my Merseyside stories into the fray, knowing you're in here to call my bluff (on my knowledge of the area, as I'm a Yank, and on the policework fronts).

If you wouldn't mind having a look at Trouble at Hazard House, which is set in Greater Manchester, I'd certainly appreciate any comments.
--Jason

Greetings Paul - and again thanks for your positive comments over Cornucopia - the issue of dialogue - why there isn't much in the first chapter -is for two reasons: I only discovered what those funny little inverted commas were for later! Secondly, perhaps too much going on in the first chapter for a great deal of chatting. Very pleased however that you have enjoyed it so far and hope you will continue commenting when appropriate.

Thanks Derec, I agree with your critique and am grateful for it, it is unpolished, particularly the first chapter, as I menioned earlier I write from the hip and go back and polish later. The MS is the straight from the hip version. If you go onto my site you will see examples of my published novel 'Liverpool Soldier' see how that compares. Thanks for the interest, I will get back asap on your book. Best wishes Paul

This is strangely readable and enjoyable and it probably shouldn't be. You do like to paint pictures with your words and to describe things in a no nonsense way. It seems to have got the lot in terms of a crime thriller. I am enjoying reading it. I say it shouldn't be enjoyable because the writing is a bit clunky and unpolished, but the story and the setting is good enough to merit some more work on it. I'm going to bookshelf it for a bit because it deserves a boost.

Hi Hurls

Thank you for supporting The Three Bears, very much appreciated. And apologies for not getting round to reading more of Manna from Hell, I'm going to do it now.

Just sent you an email via your website! Deb

Ooh - a writers group locally? Sounds interesting - will go and look. I tried one in Bostock a few years ago that was so bad I couldn't stop giggling - more like sitcom material! Actually, you're making me think now re the A556 - it might be the A54 anyway - can never place all the landmarks on that bit of road!

Hi Debbie, Fancy finding you so close to home, or you finding me rather. I agree with your critique, When I found the site I put Manna form Hell straight on. I tend to write from the hip and then correct later. I will use your comments at that time. Glad you like the bits you have read. Very similar in genre to your Hamelin's Child which I have placed on my bookshelf for future perusal. That building is very close to where the A54 takes over from the A556 and I think that it will be knocked down soon. I think the last police action it saw was when the Met Anti Terrorist surveillance hid behind it when the guns were being secreted in Delamere Forest. Take a look at my site and perhaps have a look at the Vale Royal Writers Group who meet on the first Monday of the month at the Blue Cap, about 7.15pm. You would be made very welcome. I've taken my autobiography off for the time being but may list it seperately later. Details of it are on my site (Which i in the process of being updated) Thanks again. Paul

Hi Parallax, Thanks for your very useful critique, I ill make use of it in my re-write. I still have your book on my shelf and will get round to reading and commenting as soon as posible. At the moment I am in the process of remodelling the kitchen etc with a joiner and have not got much time. I will do it shortly though. Thanks again Paul

Gosh - you must be ex-Cheshire with that depth of knowledge! I live in Northwich and work for Cheshire police. Bit too much tell for my liking - show us their characters through what they do - or better still what they say (the voices are very similar at present). But the dialogue itself is great and as I said - your knowledge of what you're writing about will carry you through with this. But it's the A556 oustide the old the Oakmere building, btw (sorry!) And I really wish somebody would do the thing up before it falls down - it's a lovely old building.

Hi Paul, finally got the chance to read the first chapter. Your strengths are obviously in your knowledge of police procedure, and in your descriptions of locations - I could imagine the homes and other buildings pretty well from your writing.

With dialogue, I think you need to work more to differentiate the characters' voices, they all sound fairly similar. There are also a couple of small typos: it's instead of its, liase instead of liaise. And it'd probably be good to use exclamation marks less frequently, definitely a case of less is more.

Hope this is useful feedback! If you have a moment, I'd appreciate some comments on my novel Mind the Gap.

(Still getting my head around the site!!!)
Hi Robes Pierre, I'm really looking forward to enjoying your manuscript(s) and hope you like mine. Autobiography wise, mine is downloaded and is complete, less fine tuning! 'Can I come in now Sarge? is a bit of a rollercoaster from laughs to extreme sadness. This site is a boost for all of us I think.

(Still getting used to the site!!
Oh I don't know Mackenzie, too much knowledge can be a hindrance in writing, I hope mine isn't? An initial read of your first chapter shows great promise, I will add it to my watchlist and read more deeply. Paul

Hi Derec, Sorry for the delay in answering, I have just found out how to do it! My other book 'Can I come in now Sarge?' is police descriptive with lots of the Ways and Means Act included. If the police did the job as per the book nothing would ever get done - and that is what they have to do nowadays!!!
Your police detectives, apart from the ones in 'The Bill' would all be in prison for infringing the Human Rights Act and other such anti-law and order diktats. Best wishes Paul

Hi Jo, Thanks for your comments, I must admit that when I found this excellent site I uploaded the MS without first fine tuning. Your critique will be valuable when this is undertaken, The side of the police that I spent 6 years in was covert surveillance with plenty of 'head for thinking, feet for dancing stuff.' I have also uploaded my autobiography 'Can I come in now Sarge?' this does the same thing, but is all true. No one seems to be looking at that and I can't understand why. Is it just your main book that gets the interest? I will have a look at your work over the next week. Once again, thanks again for the interest and the valued response. Paul

Hi Ronaldo, Glad you are enjoying it, more Yorkshire than Scouse? I'm pure Scouse me having been brought up off Scotland Road - well, until I was five anyway!
'Ay girl, go an get yer ole fella ten woodies form Amy on corner, then get back an do de parlour!' See I told you!!! Seriously, Thanks for your interest, we have just got back from a weekend away. I'll have a look at your offering and hope that you will continue with the critique, good or bad, it's all welcome. Paul

A really great great read, though the accent did seem more Yorkshire than Scouser at times.

Hi Robes Pierre, I'm really looking forward to enjoying your manuscript(s) and hope you like mine. Autobiography wise, mine is downloaded and is complete, less fine tuning! 'Can I come in now Sarge? is a bit of a rollercoaster from laughs to extreme sadness. This site is a boost for all of us I think.

Hello Paul. First - thanks for your kind remarks about Cornucopia - just the lift I needed at this stage! Second, have looked briefly at 'Manna from Hell' Chap 1. and have placed it carefully on my book shelf. Your past experience with the police adds that sense of authenticity from the outset and I look forward to reading on!

Oh I don't know Mackenzie, too much knowledge can be a hindrance in writing, I hope mine isn't? An initial read of your first chapter shows great promise, I will add it to my watchlist and read more deeply. Paul

Hello Paul

This looks very promising so I'm putting it on my watch list until work subsides. I have another novel on the go and one of the main characters is a police officer, so I'm fascinated by this

I believe a record advance (around 800k) was awarded to a retired police officer turned author recently so the world could be your mollusc as it were. I'm not an expert on police procedurals so I'll leave the constructive criticism to those who are.