Distortion For My Love

chapter 1: very good comraderie and hints of a normal life
grammar nits:
away[.] Because when ... catch[,] I was
... deflated[,] dumbfounded.
small numbers should text 12 -> twelve
heals -> heels

opinion:
I would break up the meeting of eyes into a separate paragraph.
helps to suspend the moment.

awk: yet I could do nothing to stop my antic
cut rather , this is usually ; rather, - or is fine
the looking like an idiot sentence needs breaking up.
This is the tuning fork true-tone for your whole book.
Take your time with this moment, underline and circle it.

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

Dear J.S.

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

There are 3 things that jump out in your narrative:

First this is a moment by moment perception style which for the YA crowd in about right. For what it does is create an "in the moment" perspective which is exactly the time frame in which the YA crowd lives

Second, there is a confetti of opinions throw like billiard ball in the table:

here...take them all. Like that

That is in line with two converging lines: the new post modern writers (i.e. Eggers/Foster Wallce/Safran) and rap.

That is, a style marked by the....I do this....I do that....I think this....I think that

That also works.

Third, the dialogue is idiosyncratic. Most of the jewels in you narrative are in the dialogue, specifically the "on your face" quality and the use of colloquialisms
why?
because the "on your face style" accelerates the dialogue and the colloquialisms provide original language, both precious goods for any writer

Some of my favorites:

"mental happy dance......"

"hooded recluse"....that one frame it......lol

"that subject ended when I said no"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

you have to edit out the cliches:
'puppy dog" "seeing her squirm"
why?
Because you have chosen the opinions of your main character to be a central part of the plot. For that to be successful the opinions and thus the language through which they are spilled has to be original. Otherwise you are asking the reader to buy a used pair of snickers....lol

some fine editing can be done with the opinions, specifically to compress them for, you have the good, the bad and the ugly mixed in
for ex: "fancy, frilly inessential events"
instead: "fancy-frilly events" let the sound poetry do its magic
for ex: "her look of pure innocence was a lot to take in"
instead: "her look of pure innocence was a lot" if you include the 'take in" it starts to sound like a cliche
for ex: "I tried to hide without success"
instead: "I tried to hide" then stop. That you didn't succeed is implied
for ex: "deep depression"
just "depression" would do. What is the difference between "deep depression" and "depression"?
and, in a teenager?

Overall this has verb, this has attitude, this is wonderful, 6 stars so that you can attract traffic

Let me know if that helps

david

This story starts out as a light and fluffy romance, very much of today. But that is a misleading impression, as by the fifth chapter, it has become more than that. Your writing is clear, and flows well. There are a lot of typos, too many to list, so you do need to do some editing, and to get a friend to do some more.
I think you have a good story here, and the work that remains to be done on it is mainly cosmetic - ensuring that the errors do not mar the work. To be backed. Marj.

I really liked the last sentence, a great way to end the chapter, making the reader want to read on and find out who's arms she had fallen into. This has the makings of an interesting story. I will add to my watchlist and read more. Thanks Jacoba Dorothy

After reading this novel I felt 'irony' has a key role in our life, because this element is playing crucial role in your novel as a silent player. Novel tells the reader that female mind is on a different path apart from male mind.

Best wishes

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

I'm not into the teen/frat/collegey type thing so this one is really not for me...I think you write quite well though so I'm happy to give you a whirl for now!
Cheers
Stewart

Hi Jasmine! Just leaving a short and sweet comment ;) I like your characters so far; their close friendship is definitely shown well here, with a relatable situation and familiar dialogue. One thing, though--some of the phrases used, such as "irremediably", "hooded recluse", "found...solace", etc., sound too old for a high schooler. I'd suggest rewording those :)

Good luck with this!
Cheesecake

Jasmine,
Distortion For My Love has great appeal for young readers and even some older ones. I love your exquisite description of the wedding at the beginning of Chapter Thirty-Three and laughed at the end when Evelyn received the sinister message. It somehow made me think of Joan Crawford. Backed with pleasure.

This is a lovely YA story. Spunky and well written. Well drawn young characters with a lot of appeal. Nice twistes and turns weaved in to make the reader logged on.

Great job

The Mind setter

This would be a wonderful attraction for the YA audience. I have taught English for a very long time and they would love this in my ipinion.

BACKED

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Evelyn. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to convey her thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Jasmine, I just love love-stories & got tears in my eyes at chapter 33 :) - the wedding was very touching :) - the big hug with Lilly & also Adam's tenderness really made me feel happy. :) Great write!! :) Your pitch prepared me for a great romance & your crisp dialogue & paragraphs took me right through. :) Hope you'll write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 6 hours later :)