Troubled Minds Saga: Grace

Bob this is great. A topic not written about much AI... you have done it creatively. I am hooked and want to discover more about Grace and how Ben and Erica know each other and come into the story.

Your pitch is great and after reading the first few chapters I would and will read on to see where their journey takes them in this great futuristic story. What is also intriguing to me is how the A-minds and Grace in particular relate with the humans and how you develop them along with the concept which will interweave regarding their compacity to feel? How Erica is being sent on the assignment to show how they are only A-minds but I have a feeling you will show how Melanie was wrong about this?

Not normally a sci-fi buff, I have been converted and would pick this up to read.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

To be honest. I have a hard time delving into Sci-Fi books. There are a ton on this site and, in all honesty, I disregard them after the first chapter.
In yours I had to move on. You set the biggest hook imaginable.
You drop the A-Mind bomb. And you promptly tell the reader that they are NOT human.
I had to read on. That was the hugest pull I have ever read in a Sci-Fi.
I like that you don't get a bunch of backstory up front. You get dialogue. And through that dialogue you learn everything you need to know.
I am delighted with this.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Bob, I was sobbing as I read the last words. You touched my heart and i can't give you greater praise than that.

This book was of my favorite genre, scifi fantasy, and it lived up to my standards.

Great story idea with the strange setting and backstory set up carefully within the dialog and activity of the characters. Too often writers stop the story to hold forth on history or philosophy they are trying to get across. This is not productive and causes the reader to skip large portions of info sometimes necessary to the plot. You deftly avoid that.

The intriguing ethical questions you raise within the characters' thoughts and actions spur the reader to some thinking on the subject, and that's all good.

I was amazed that you were able to tap into my heart so easily with the last chapter when you didn't include the rest of the book.

You're really good.

There are a few problems with typos, but nothing momentous. Some consistent difficulty between the choice of "been" and "being"; often switched.

I say, keep writing--you have a real talent! I'm shelving it!

Phew, Bob. What can I say? This is written with a really light touch. It's not really sci-fi; it's a story about people and relationships, about how humankind will seek to manipulate all and everything for its profit, not for the profit of the world/universe around humankind.

You need to do a manual edit on the chapters up to the synopsis (as requested, I'm disregarding the last chapter from the point of view of editorial changes needed). There are quite a few typos and punctuation (specially speech) glitches. One of the recurring ones is the use of "been" instead of "being".

I was really impressed with this. Still waters do run deep, and this applies to the author and to Grace and to the storyline. I'm shelving this. Good luck with it. It's really good.

This is great Sci-Fi, Bob. The story really grabbed my attention and kept me reading. I'm adding it to my watchlist to come back and read more about these three rather flawed characters and their strange but believable situation. The scientific and world-building side works well for me - you explore some interesting ideas, both physical and psychological - though Erica strikes me as slightly overemotional and Ben the opposite (at least as bad as Grace if less dangerous) but then perfect people make for poor stories. The only other thing I would suggest is that a polish of the wording and punctuation would put an even brighter shine on the novel.

A few of my favourite moments: 'from zero to supernova rage in less tha 2 seconds' (BTW make that 'two'), 'the edge in her voice should have warned Erica', 'you've managed to piss off the most powerful entity in this sector of the galaxy', 'How can I possibly lie about something that hasn't even occurred yet?', 'the biggest disaster this sector is ever likely to face', 'Those weren't his thoughts', 'trapped in this ship with such a cold-hearted bastard'.

Possible tweaks: 'nothing seen or heard off (of) her', 'couldn't help but notice the sinister ...couldn't help but feel ... couldn't help but notice a slight odour' (you also use this several times later), 'found himself looking ... found himself smiling', 'Erica has being (been) surrounded', 'Oh Ben, what a joy you are' (omit the 'she laughed' after this). 'Then her face ... she turned to face', 'and 1 (one) of the kindest people', 'pace (place) and date of birth',

Dialogue punctuation needs checking: "I know." She replied. - should be - "I know," she replied. Etc. Confine ellipses to only 3 dots - though some people prefer 4 at the end of a sentence.

SF42

Hi Bob,

I really enjoyed this - it had me hooked from the beginning and it was a nice touch to include the synopsis and final chapter (so sad) so we know how it pans out.

Minor criticisms about things such as punctuation have been mentioned before - I also agree with an earlier comment about the need for more naturalistic dialogue. I would also have liked to read a description of the EG3 ship and thought there was a missed opportunity in that respect when Ben first came onboard.

The text could be tightened considerably, for sometimes you remind the reader of things again when you don't need to. I spotted a minor continuity error - in chapter three, Grace says, "...she would have eventually come up with the 'ruin my career' line..."; Erica had actually already said those words.

On the whole, I love the concept of an AI having a psychiatric trauma and while I saw similarities with HAL's breakdown in '2001: A Space Odyssey' you took it much further and made Grace so human! Having the AI appear as a hologram is a lovely touch, as is the idea of a sentient spaceship.

I do hope you have got around to finishing it. All the best!

Steph (Hollow Moon).

SF42 review

I enjoyed what I read of this. Good old-fashioned SF. I was happy to just sit back and enjoy the ride. I found it started to get really interesting towards the end of Ch.3. And I liked Ch.4, too. That chapter was very intriguing and compelling, sad, and then back to intriguing again. I still don’t know what to make of Grace. Or Ben, for that matter. I found myself rooting for both of them, not sure whose side to be on!

I was a little puzzled why so much was made of how long they were without lights in Ch.4. Will this become significant later, I wondered?

Nice hook at the end of Ch.5, though I didn’t quite get who Jon had taken Ben to see. Was it Melanie, or was it Adam? If Melanie, then they hardly exchanged two words before Jon whisked her away.

There were a few typos, which I wlll send you separately in a message.

I wish you well with this.

SF42

Hi Bob

First of all - that is a brilliant cover. It could do with having the title stuck in there, but still very very good. On with my notes, as there are few:

'(") Coming back to you...'

Might I suggest that you refer to the AI beings only as A-Minds, and leave 'artificial intelligence' for reference to their 'minds'.

'"Trust me(,)" said Ron.'

I won't keep specifiying, as it would take up too much space, but the punctuation within dialogue needs looking at.

Nothing else really stood out to me. I think some of the dialogue could be polished to make it a little more natural, but overall I think it is good. I like the premise, and I think if it's done right, when Grace starts to behave oddly could be very chilling and tense. I think it will do well. Good luck.

It's interesting reading this almost a year on. A lot has changed in that time, possibly most of all my reading tastes. A week or so back I read a really terrible blog post lazily having a go at William Gibson's Neuromancer - it was attacking the information dumps, and I read the quoted texts and though, actually that's brilliant. And that made me think of you, because I know that's the main criticism I had of this in the past.

What Gibson does so perfectly is make the tech side of his SF feel hip, rather like Raymond Chandler's voiceovers. I still think the long explanation passages (especially chapter 2)) need working on, need to feel part of the voice of the book rather than additions to it, but I started to feel exactly that, especially in chapter one - the info was fully integrated and added to the story rather.

Your pitch and plotting are fabulous, and what I noticed this time was just how snappy the dialogue is. Chandler would be a good analogy. Definitely keep going with it :)

Hi Bob,

Really impressed with this. I usually hate sci-fi books, and usually a pitch hinting at A.I would make me look elsewhere because I simply can't grasp the details. I have to say that you've done the opposite. The opening chapter was nice and easy to read. Setting it the way you did enabled you to provide information about the A-minds without seeming overwhelming. I read up to chapter three and I liked all three characters. They were all realistic and well drawn, and the history between Ben and Erica provides an interesting spin. So far I've managed to keep up with the sci fi aspect because you've written it so well and interspersed it with very human emotions and good dialogue.

The only thing that stood out for me was Ben's use of the word 'hun'. I know this is a word that you yourself use, but personally I didn't think it matched Ben's character.

Otherwise I'm pleasantly surprised by this. Highly starred and it will eventually make it's way to my shelf, once I've cleared the backlog.

Silva

Powerful, powerful ending. Thanks for sharing this, Bob. I really enjoyed this story, and I hope to see it published one day.

A re-backing and six stars for your work, Bob - it's funny how I remembered this after having it read it a couple of years back! Very Iain M Banksian

Good ending, too.

Troubled Minds.

I liked this.

What can I say? Good stuff Bob, it needs a little copy edit to sort out the typos, but you have the makings of a fine tale here. The story was somewhat reminiscent of Iain M Banks' culture novels, while also harking back to the writers who mixed psychology and technology in the space operas of the golden age, but it feels quite timeless, not trying too hard to be modern, nor indulging in wacky anachronism--a nicely judged voice. The writing style put me in mind of James Blish, I'm not sure why, and it made me realise I ought to re-read some of his work.

You held my attention without any explosions, daring escapes, or menacing aliens, so you did the right thing by me.

Pacing was bang on, characterisation a little broad (that'll be Erica, she's a little broad . . .) but effective and I assume they acquire depth as the tale progresses, the dialogue is better than most and I was not brought up short going "Eh?" or "WTF?" at any point, quite unusual on Authonomy (and, indeed, in general). The premise works for me, is established early and shows me enough to know I would read the whole book if it were here. The coincidence of Erica being aboard did not offend, there has to be something to get the story going, and I have come across far stranger coincidences in my life (not many, but enough). You did enough to establish the society and the milieu without getting carried away and insisting we all know just how much work you put in and how grand the scope of your imagination is. I often feel less is more in this regard, because, let's face it, stories are about people.

I wouldn't expect flickery lines in the holograms of a culture that can put something like Grace into space, perhaps just the fact that it looked so real and solid would do? Also, I thought the box, as written, sounded somewhat bulky. Picky, picky, picky, I know.

I also wanted the 'psychology' of the AI fleshed out with a little convincing theory--just a dab or two, possibly drop the name of a fictitious theoretician, to give it some heft.

There's just no pleasing some people, is there?

Thank you.

This is a fascinating story and as well-written as can be. I'm not usually a Sci-fi reader, but your story is presented in a way even I can understand. I love the concept of psyche investigators for artificial intelligence. I read the four chapters straight through- something I don't usually do. Nice work.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Ben. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your science fiction thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Bob,
Troubled Minds Saga: Grace has a compelling synopsis describing the intricate and enthralling plot. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed.

Not my genre at all so it's definitely a testament to your skill that I was drawn in from the beginning. Your opening chapter reminded me of the beginning of a movie, just starts right in the action with character and dialogue, leaving the reader to fill in the blanks about place/time and other concerns. Intriguing premise, well executed. Enjoyed this.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

great cover, a cross between Blade runner, old Cary Grant movies and a wry sense of humour, very good

Wow, bob, this is exciting.

Great read and what a literary treat!


Best

Wow, bob, this is exciting.

Great read and waht a literary treat!


Best

I don't know what I was expecting from this but you pleasantly surprised me! I haven't read many stories about AI but it was fascinating! Grace is one of those rare characters that come along. You can never full tell what her intentions are, if she's good or bad, that makes her so interesting! I like her reaction to Bob and Erica, that was a nice little scene when she finds out they were ex-lovers. I'm interested how her character evolves. The setting is great, I could really feel the size of the ship and it made this feel more real! Thanks for surprising me with this, it's a great book and has awesome potential!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This gets better and better. Now I know that Erica and Ben have a connection and that Grace is dropping hints of mystery all over the place, this is turning into a real page turner. I would be happy to back this.
All the best, Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

The sentance beginning, "But my transfer has now been approved..." stumped me for a bit until I read on. Maybe you could put at the end of that "What made you change your mind?" For consistency. Then it might flow better.
You have obviously put a lot of thought into this story. I am reading on to chapter 2 now.

Very effective ending--strong, gripping & intense. Well done.

Awesome story-telling with a good voice. Your ability to depict human interaction and emotions is good. The story is good. Everything is good about this. The only thing I thought was a little cliche was the fact that the A-Minds had three laws they could not break. I am curious if you came to these by yourself, or if you borrowed them from Isaac Asimov? Why can't anyone ever come up with the idea that other sentient lifeforms are created with freewill as well, as it appears that they always seem to get it when they're built with restrictions against it anyway? Besides those nagging questions I always have about restrictions built in AI, I enjoyed the story.

Good story and good beginning. Backed.

Dear Bob


I loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha! I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Dear Bob, I love Grace. :) She is like totally mysterious :) - she's an A-Mind :) - I should have thought of that (haha). :) I really loved Erica's comeback about females at the end of chapter 4. :) Your pitch prepared me for an exciting read & I wasn't disappointed. :) Your tight dialogue & paragraphs moved me right through your story, like lightning. :) I'm backing your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

WELL CRAFTED AND BLOODY WELL WRITTEN

BACKED INDEED.

Hope you get the chance to peek inside The Russian Hat.

warm wishes

Brendan

Very apt given recent events, this is a good concept that has the reader by the balls and drags them along. The writing is sharp and concise and you get caught up very quickly in the world you have created. Feels very gritty like the recent Battlestar Galactica. I wouod be curious to see this visualised on screen.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi Bob, enjoyed my read of this. I like Iain M Banks and his Culture universe with the Minds in that, and this has a similar feel. Your future worlds are believable and the technology within grasp of our minds. The psychology seems appropriate too. Good luck with this, Jim D Serpent's Blood

Bob,
I've looked at your first three chapters. Your book's a smooth read which kept my interest. The only reason I didn't turn to Chapter 4 was because there are just so many books to read here on Au. I look forward to seeing your story return to its climb back towards the top. Hope my vote helps.
Steve Tee
(Hell's Angel)

Backed January 14.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

I've had this on my WL for awhile, and decided to simply be random and read your chapter 7 tonight. What I liked was that I was easily able to follow the story even reading out of context. You have a nice sense of place in the opening paragraph and the characters recap the scenario like a good country song.

Although I liked the dialogue, it really struck me that many of the lines included the character names. When someone is standing right next to me and I am talking to them in real life, I rarely refer to them by name. For emphasis, yes (so the 'stop it'/shouting section - I would have it there). but when I see (Erica wait a moment/I'm sorry Erica) right after each other I found it a bit much. Might just be personal preference, but I wanted to let you know it felt repetitive to me.

Overall the plot hung together, and all was well described throughout the chapter. Good luck with this. On my shelf for a bit.

hi bob, the title page reflects the feeling of the book, - mysterious, dark and attractive. Your writing style is polished and you make the scenery and setting believable, while creating a steadily rising sense of tension along the way. I was interested to find out more about the triangle of observer/observed characters and can forsee rich opportunities for conflict and tragedy. On my shelf.

Classic Sci-Fi. I love it. Artifical Intelligence. Space travel. Interesting personalities. The only constructive criticism I might offer is that folks tend not to include enough detail in conversations for the reader to follow along. If you do include too much it becomes top-heavy dialog and loses some of its believability. In those cases, you can have a narration that explains it. Most people in the TV movie culture (I'm the most guilty of this) forget about that option. You have a light, believable touch and a fascinating subject that becomes more important with every year we move into the future. Very nice! Good luck.

This is an excellent piece of science fiction. Your characters are lively and enjoyable, your settings are detailed and believable, and your plot is gripping and well developed. The idea of Artificial Intelligence is obviously not new, but you have given it a twist which makes it full of interest. Erica is presented to us as about to spend six months with an 'A-mind.' This is a great hook, we want to know what an A-mind is like, and we are already interested in the feisty Erica. Ben's first meeting with Grace, in the form of a hologram, is particularly fascinating. You write in a clear, easy to read style, and can carry your reader forward without difficulty. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Dear Bob,

Intrigued by your pitch and liking the easy flow of your writing, I backed Troubled Minds Saga: Grace, some days ago.
I read more and enjoyed your take on AI. You've set up a novel kind of mystery and I became enthralled with the characters as the narrative moved along.
Best success.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Just read the first 2 chapters.
I couldn't help feeling the introduction and background overview of Grace was strikingly reminiscent of 'Helva' (The Ship who Sang, from Anne McCaffrey's 'Brain Ship' series). Will have to read more later to see where you go with this one.
R.

Hi, Bob.
Nice, easygoing voice. I get the feeling as I'm reading this that you were steeped in more than a good helping of classic sci-fi, ala Asimov and Bradbury. I can't say I've read all you have up, but I can say I've read enough to believe that this warrants a backing, and I'd encourage you to see this thing through to the end.
Best of luck.
--Daniel
Every Atom Belonging

I imagine a an ai would simply learn to mimic human emotions, actions, manerisms, to elicit requried responses, much as a psychopath would. This story is brilliant, well... the bit i read. It promises so much that after teh first chapter i'm quickly turning the page.

Wow.

BACKED

Nosing around the site for a read and thought your pitch looked interesting. Talking of pitches – I think it would be better if Erica is introduced earlier in the pitch, especially as we meet her first?

The writing is solid and the characters are rounded. Just a little too much exposition at times perhaps, e.g, chp 1 – “...apart from the three limitations protecting us in case an A-mind ‘goes mental’” - we need to know this information I’m sure but it stands out here as information for the reader and not naturalistic of what the Dr would have said/needed to say, here. Chp 4: “Lizzie was an accomplished climber. She’d got certificates and won awards for climbing difficult peaks..” I think all we need to know is that she was an accomplished climber, we will believe the narrator, we don’t need any ‘proof’. I did find the chapter headings a little off-putting, being too literal and hence perhaps better suited for a younger audience?

Good luck with this very promising story, Carolyn.

Bob this is great. A topic not written about much AI... you have done it creatively. I am hooked and want to discover more about Grace and how Ben and Erica know each other and come into the story.

Your pitch is great and after reading the first few chapters I would and will read on to see where their journey takes them in this great futuristic story. What is also intriguing to me is how the A-minds and Grace in particular relate with the humans and how you develop them along with the concept which will interweave regarding their compacity to feel? How Erica is being sent on the assignment to show how they are only A-minds but I have a feeling you will show how Melanie was wrong about this?

Not normally a sci-fi buff, I have been converted and would pick this up to read.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Troubled Minds Saga: Grace

Hi Bob, Picked your recommendation from the thread. I enjoyed the chapters I read of this, particularly your clean and accessible style. I notice that you like Iain M Banks, your sci-fi is more accessible than his I think, with half a nod within it to Isaac Asimov's three rules of robotics. The AI dimension is nicely done, the characters are basically YA, well, Erica seems to be so there might be some potential for you picking up these readers as well. In some areas the dialogue seemed to be in place to help flag up or telegraph issues, like for example when Ben gives a recap of his girlfriend problems when he discovers that Erica will be on the ship with him and in Chapter One when the teacher tells Erica why she initially didn't agree with her assignment on the ship.

Generally I liked this a lot and it deserves more support, I will plug it in the forums when I am in there next. Well done Bob, a great read.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

Bob

I found myself skimming....Will put in brackets the words I thought you didn't need

I heard (that) you disapproved
reasons (and) I'm not obliged
(and) I've been told
told (that) all of the board
It's true (that) all board members

When Erica and Melanie are speaking...Melanie says ........' you insisted'....Melanie is not finished her conversation, but you re-open with punctuation for....'You're an extremely bright girl'

Also Melanie holds up her hand to continue, and says 'Bear with me'.....But Erica had not interupted her, I read that twice I thought I'd missed it.....You need Erica to actually , give an indignant sigh, or open her mouth to speak.......

Ben Meets Grace.
Make some (that) only she...........

The word (that) not needed......There were more, but it ocurred to me you may not agree, so I stopped noting them.......Fabulous premise, great character development.....An easy read which I enjoyed...
Shelved.....

.

Bob I read to the end of chapter 4 which in a way was a complete story in itself. Very well told and great use of a psychological approach to resolve an issue! This is the kind of sci fi I love to read.

A few spelling and grammar issues need fixing so as not to upset the flow, and then you’ll have a winner!

I’m putting it on my shelf immediately!

Best wishes
Jen (Play or Die)

To be honest. I have a hard time delving into Sci-Fi books. There are a ton on this site and, in all honesty, I disregard them after the first chapter.
In yours I had to move on. You set the biggest hook imaginable.
You drop the A-Mind bomb. And you promptly tell the reader that they are NOT human.
I had to read on. That was the hugest pull I have ever read in a Sci-Fi.
I like that you don't get a bunch of backstory up front. You get dialogue. And through that dialogue you learn everything you need to know.
I am delighted with this.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Bob,

One of the problems I have always had with science fiction is the poor characterization. This is rich in it, which adds a lot to the story. Good on ya. I expect it will do well here.

TSC
Moonbeam Highway

Bob, you know, I don't really *get* SF normally but I really love this. Maybe because it's more about personality (and what actually constitutes personality) than about warp factors and fancy nano-guns. I really really enjoyed the chapters I read, not least because I can totally relate to someone wanting to redecorate a bedroom with someone else's brains (courtesy of a lamp) - that happened to me too so it struck a chord.

You launch straight in, which I love - set up several potential areas of conflict - and then just blast away (no warp factor).... I'll forgive you the odd null-G cannon and core-cube because this is really just rather wonderful.
I'd read it straight through if it were not on screen (and never thought I'd say that about SF).
Backed, of course
Jane
WALKER

Bob I'm not here to nit pick on grammar and spelling, I'll let others do that if they must. I'm here to tip my hat at you for producing a superb piece of fiction. Strong 'life-like' dialogue and believeable characters set into a fantastic plotline.

Shelved with pleasure my friend, one of the best reads I've come across on here.

Bob (Auctoratus)

This is a really good idea fro a story and i read through the first few chapters realy quickly as i found the dialogue flow and kept my interest although there were times i nearly got confused, once actually at the beginning when she is asking why the lecturer didn't support her transfer. It could have been a bit easier to understand. It made me pause when there was no reason to have to... otherwise i think this is a really well spun out story and the characters are really well defined.
Good luck with it, i don't usually read scifi but i really enjoyed this one and will continue reading it
regards
Chris (inside out)

You broke into the story with such ease. Nothing was forced. Nothing overdone. You trust the reader. And therefore it is so easy, as a reader, to snuggle down and enjoy the read. An book I easily put on my shelf. Good luck. Connie

Believable scifi. Really enjoyed this and was very bold and read your synopsis and final chapter too. It was so sad, but fitting. Great charactors, well written and some excellent dialogue. Backed and enjoyed.
The very best of luck with this.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark