Underground

A fascinating premise that entertains and is very creative. I am no expert on editing etc so will leave it to the experts.

Backed because it is unusual and I liked it.

Lisa

it unusual to judge a screen play here; this original and stylish. the premice is interesting. you write with obvious skill...on my watchlist...
SEASONS...

Hello Pedro,
Welcome to the site!
I think the comments below by JMC are really good advice and worth noting.
You have a very good concept with some nice touches. I love the idea of the writer having been driven to a mental institute by the pressure of his success. Most people on Authonomy would be quite happy to relinquish their sanity if it meant success! I also enjoyed the colloquial, 'The driver with chauffeur cap and all'.
Beware of your tenses. You mix them and it confuses. Eg: First para - 'Frank 'had' the roof down' PAST and 'He admires' PRESENT
I think this would work really well as a novel. At the moment I'm not quite sure what it is - it's half way between a script and a book.
Hope I have been helpful.
I would appreciate your comments on Lovesick
Best wishes

Jenny

'"Underground" is based on a book written about a creature, half man, half monster, living in the London Underground.'

Grammar needs work. The short pitch does not need to be restated as the first sentence in the long pitch above. It's redundant and unnecessary. The long pitch is a bit convoluted and difficult to understand because it sounds like ad copy with far too much hyperbole. Break it down into smaller bites. Keep it simple. Be direct. Much of this is redundant ('nervous breakdown and flips, going totally mad'). Read this aloud and listen for breaks and where to place commas. Just tell the story as if telling an agent or publisher in a lift with only 30 seconds to catch their interest. Leave out everything else.

JMC
Among Women

Thanks for the advice JM, I've changed it.

'"Underground" is based on a book written about a creature, half man, half monster, living in the London Underground.'

Grammar needs work. The short pitch does not need to be restated as the first sentence in the long pitch above. It's redundant and unnecessary. The long pitch is a bit convoluted and difficult to understand because it sounds like ad copy with far too much hyperbole. Break it down into smaller bites. Keep it simple. Be direct. Much of this is redundant ('nervous breakdown and flips, going totally mad'). Read this aloud and listen for breaks and where to place commas. Just tell the story as if telling an agent or publisher in a lift with only 30 seconds to catch their interest. Leave out everything else.

JMC
Among Women

I came back to rate you under the new star-system, good luck. Patrick Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Hi Pedro

this first chapter has taken my interest, a very unusual way to portray a book - will be back soon to read more

happy to back

Sian Banks

What do I know...?
I know I liked this and the diferent flow it has.


GHOSTWOMAN
odeb

Pedro -

Underground - Great story, Pedro. I worked in the filmindustry for many years and remember very well how at times the making of a film can outdo the actual film as a story. The drama behind the stage brings to live the ghosts of the characters. Seek some support from the experts here for further polishin editing rounds, the plot is well worth every effort.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Your pitch is intriguing. I've added 'Underground' to my watchlist and will read soon. Good luck.

Underground

Pedro Macosta

Pedro,
I am very impressed by your plot. A great inane plotline fit for Hollywood no doubt - half monster/half man living in the London Underground. The monster was initially brought to the UK from India as a pet for a child when the monster was small, but somehow this monster gets lost in the London Underground, then later the child/now man writes a story about the monster to reveal the the truth about him as the monster has killed some people on the underground and was big in the news. Naturally due to sensationalism, the book becomes a bestseller, but the author/monster owner somehow ends up ill in hospital and a film company now wants to make a movie of the book. The MC, who gives up his privileged Oxford position, now spends his time in the London underground which is the set for the movie et cetera, et cetera as we get deeper down the hole! Supposedly black comedy - with stereotypical American and British characters, for even heartier laughs.

First impression of your storyline? It sounds exciting, original, creative and the comic elements are obvious - black comedy or not, it sounds like a lot of fun - perhaps a little silly/inane, I suppose targeting the general public which feeds on silliness for entertainment, thus obvious commercial value. It certainly has a Hollywood flavour already because of the perceived antics involved, the stepping on the rake sort of antics, and I think the location in the Underground is very appealing, as the potential for complete public chaos on account of your half man/half monster character scaring/killing people there adds generously to the general morass.

The hospital scenario/half-man-half monster elements with the dressing up like the monster antics, also make for some very good visuals/and of course are superb re plot development and maintaining interest in characters and story.

Creative, fascinating, expertly plotted for a general audience. However, the writing needs work. I opened all three HC chapter uploads - I would recommend deleting those parts which are not part of your story - such as your explanations regarding product placement etc. Also, you need a good edit - for punctuation, insertion of capital letters where they are needed, and sometimes grammar and spelling - for instance, you spell "breathe" as "breath" et cetera. Quite a bit of work needed here Perdo but editing issues are of course a problem for all of us and this is something which as writers we are constantly engaged in so no big deal. I think having an original, creative story is the most important thing as the other mechanical things can easily be resolved.

All the best with this. It has great potential and promise and I enjoyed the story immensely. Felt like a juvenile regression - which we all need to experience for a good laugh - and to help us maintain a sense of humour. Well done!

This is different and sometimes it's hard to judge different because you don't have anything to compare it to. I think you've got a unique idea here, book based on a film based on a book, kind of gives it a different feel. Your writing is good, the dialogue is clever and I did get a few chuckles from it. Sometimes you don't have to stick to a mold to write something interesting!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

You have a great idea but organise your pitch, which you do not have to repeat in the introduction of your book. Clean up punctuation and sentence construction.
Anyway, I back you.

Pedro,
Your book is quite entertaining and clever. A topical theme this book will attract readers in many places. Your presentation and writing are both fascinating and professional.

para 2 he's is his (check)

Happy to back you

The mind setter

Hi, I didn't know when I first got here either, but replying to comments does not send them to the person who left the comment. Most people here don't revisit a book they commented on, so if you want to make a reply to something they said send them a message. Otherwise it makes it look like you're trying to bump up the amount of comments your book has. Just a minor thing. :)

I understand you say you aren't a writer - but none of us were born writers. So far you have this written as a script, and it might have some good potential as one. If you want it as a book I think you'll need to do a fair bit of rewriting. It needs a good edit.

One other thing, from your descriptions I'm guessing you're not from California? If you are writing a book or script about American things you should probably use the terms that we use here - 'parking lot' rather than 'car park' for instance. I definitely got the impression that you have never been near a Hollywood studio in real life. You also might want to do a bit of research into how much it actually costs to rent a studio apartment in Hollywood. Realistically speaking a young man from a normal midwest family could not afford a top of the line sports car, an expensive suit, and still have three months of rent left in the bank. It just didn't ring true to me.
Might seem like a little thing, but it affects believability right away.

:)
I wish you all the best in whatever way you decide to go with this.

Hi SChamblee,

Thank you for your views.

Its true that I’m not from California and the 'parking lot' rather than 'car park' is meant to be that way since this is a book aimed at an English audience. Also if you read carefully Frank rents in a run down area, the cheapest he could find in order to have his prized possessions, his sports car and his expensive suit. Its all about looks and image for him.

I’m here to have my work scrutinized by the community! I have no problem with that, but If people are going to criticize my work, constructively or otherwise I want to at least explain myself not only to him or her but to everyone here. That’s why I reply to the person who left the comment.

Hi, I didn't know when I first got here either, but replying to comments does not send them to the person who left the comment. Most people here don't revisit a book they commented on, so if you want to make a reply to something they said send them a message. Otherwise it makes it look like you're trying to bump up the amount of comments your book has. Just a minor thing. :)

I understand you say you aren't a writer - but none of us were born writers. So far you have this written as a script, and it might have some good potential as one. If you want it as a book I think you'll need to do a fair bit of rewriting. It needs a good edit.

One other thing, from your descriptions I'm guessing you're not from California? If you are writing a book or script about American things you should probably use the terms that we use here - 'parking lot' rather than 'car park' for instance. I definitely got the impression that you have never been near a Hollywood studio in real life. You also might want to do a bit of research into how much it actually costs to rent a studio apartment in Hollywood. Realistically speaking a young man from a normal midwest family could not afford a top of the line sports car, an expensive suit, and still have three months of rent left in the bank. It just didn't ring true to me.
Might seem like a little thing, but it affects believability right away.

:)
I wish you all the best in whatever way you decide to go with this.

Not sure what to say about this apart from the fact that it's virtually unreadable!
Stewart

you are the only one who doesn't like it, everyone does. You are alone, a single voice.

For a while there I was so sure I was reading a script for a movie and not a novel, but even then it is well written though it will need a lot of work to get it up to the standard required, I think. It has the potential to be a hell of a book.
Therefor I back it just for being different.
Cheers and good luck with your writing career.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

it's not really a film script, its a book, but because the book is about a film being made about a book, it feels like a script

For a while there I was so sure I was reading a script for a movie and not a novel, but even then it is well written though it will need a lot of work to get it up to the standard required, I think. It has the potential to be a hell of a book.
Therefor I back it just for being different.
Cheers and good luck with your writing career.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

Not sure what to say about this apart from the fact that it's virtually unreadable!
Stewart

When you use wikipedia do Paste Special / Unformatted Text, it'll strip out all the font changes and make your novel much better.

Thanks Robert, I keep that in mind. I'm new to all this.

When you use wikipedia do Paste Special / Unformatted Text, it'll strip out all the font changes and make your novel much better.

This is a joke, right? Pg. 2 the Product Placement page copied straight out of Wikipedia.
Well have your bit of fun. The joke's on anyone who backs it.

Yes its from Wiki, so what? I only used a bit from wiki, it's like an introduction, I whant people to get a feel for what the story is about. Relax, keep cool.

This is a joke, right? Pg. 2 the Product Placement page copied straight out of Wikipedia.
Well have your bit of fun. The joke's on anyone who backs it.

Not my kind of a read but well written. Good dialogue.
Backed.
Dan
PS. Could you pls look at mine?

I know very little about screen plays and the formatting but this reads well and the dialogue is genuine so far. An excellent premise and I agree - a good idea for a major movie. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Fascinating premise well carried through. Plenty to intrigue and entertain.

clever pache on the recent spew of movies like Blair Witch and Paranormal activity and the pressure to come up with the next big thing, reminds of the section in Bruno where mothers are willing to give their children liposuction just to get fame and fortune, Would like to see this as a movie, the execution is excellent

Dear Pedro, I love the end of chapter 3 :) - I laughed out loud when I read it & am still laughing :) - your pitch prepared my for my read, but what a surprising twist!! :) Tight paragraphs & dialogue moved me right through your amazing Frank & his go-get-um attitude of succeeding. :) Would that everyone was determined as he :) - what a wonderful world we would have! :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Wish you would make it a movie. :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Pedro,
Underground has an enthralling and terrifying plot I never could have imagined and that's why I don't write in this genre. Backed with enthusiasm.

Your book seems very interesting and later when I have the time I will surely return to read more of it. Backed for monsters ha ha, and for a new angle :) well writen Beth Anne

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 5 hours later :)

Hello Macosta,

Ive read the opening of your story and like its screen writers tone and feel. I think it has potential and you should carry on with it. If you have time can you check out my story 'Marion' and give me a comment or back it if you think it merits it. Best wishes, Madeleine

I saw your post on the forum and came to have a look. Unfortunately I couldn't find a book to read.

I made a mistake, I think I got it now. Tell me what you think about it.

I saw your post on the forum and came to have a look. Unfortunately I couldn't find a book to read.