The Heritage Series, Bloodline

I've read and starred your book after having it on my WL a week. It's a nicely worked plot but I think you could improve on the writing with more behavioural signs of feelings rather than telling the reader how the character felt. Good luck. Lara
Good for Him

I liked the first chapter here a lot. Great balance between detailed descriptions and his fear of what he found by the stream. The only thing I can add about the chapter is that it could use one of those mini-sequels at the end, to show the fear and dread--quite literally--that is causing him to run all the way back to town, even though he knows his friends are gone. What's he feeling, what's he thinking? What has he decided to do? Since he's running back to town, he must have some sort of plan.

MIke

A very instant and exciting start, the reader is drawn right into the action from the off set. I love Lyra's character, I could really feel her emotion, her pain, her fear and her frustration at not fully understanding what is going on. You have a beautiful style which flows very easily and this looks to be a very exciting plot. I thoroughly enjoyed what I read so far, and will read on.
Backed with pleasure
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

I just finished reading chapter 13 and my eyes are about to give out considering it's 11pm.... I will continue reading tomorrow, but I do have to say that so far I love what I am reading. It flows well and is very detailed... More comments to follow!!!

Best of luck and BACKED!!

Liza
-Keepers

(((You tend to repeat yourself in referencing to your narrative elements. The tendency was pretty consistent through the first chapter, but I only outlined the first praragraph for you. Look at your first paragraph the way you wrote it (with commentary.)

I held my (“hands”1) in front of (“me” meaning: my “face”1) to keep the (“branches”1) from scraping my (“face”2), but (“it” meaning: the effort of my “hands”2) was useless. (“They”: meaning the “branches”2 caught in my hair. My skin stung from all the tiny scratches (meaning: from the ‘branches”3). I “struggled”1 to keep up, my heart (“pounded” meaning struggled 2) from the (”exertion” meaning struggle3) and “fear1” as I followed my parents through the thick underbrush. The sun was setting and the forest shadows, which I had never “feared2” before, (“frightened: meaning fear3”) me as they chased us down the path.

This is your first paragraph and already you can see that dissecting your scenes down, and referencing similar narrative elements repeatedly in various forms has made the read choppy and more wordy that it needs to be—this adds unnecessarily to your word count. Writing more economically will make your prose more fluid, and will also save on your word count. This sort of first person narrative is best when written as though you are telling the story to a friend in the room with you: a little less formal. What you are doing is using a first person voice, but your prose is structured as if you are telling the story in third person. Below is an example of the kind of polishing I would do if it were my manuscript. Hope it is helpful or gives you something to think about when editing)))


My hands were useless to keep the branches from scraping my face. They caught in my hair, and my face stung from all the scratches. My heart pounded with exertion and fear as I struggled to keep up with my parents through the thick brush. As the sun set, the forest shadows, which I had never feared before, seemed to follow me along the path.


Try and minimize overlap in referencing narrative elements so close together. And watch your syllable count. Remember that when you are considering flow, and the meter of a line or passage, you should pay more attention to the syllable count than the word count, just as you would in a stanza. Also, remember that mechanics of body movement can be more fluidly described when tagged to dialogue, and if placed in the narrative should be made as artful and fluid as possible. Your story is interesting, and you character is compelling as well. I would just polish for flow and economy of expression before submitting to a publisher or agent. Goodluck.



blueboy

Instantly engaging. Makes me want the paperback to curl up on my sofa and devour in one go. You create an atmosphere and energy in your writing that I love. Backed with pleasure x

The heritage series, bloodline
A suspence novel, well written, and enoyable to read and not only for YA but for adults too
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

This certainly has the feel of magic. The mysterious tone in 1 is maintained and I peeped into several chapters and also the end, which is thoughtful and satisfying.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Hey, Robin. Nice steady flow of story telling. Interesting build, nice structure. Simply backed.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

I read this with my daughter and it was a hit. I was also thinking of the teenagers I know. They're suckers for this type of fantasy. Quick paced, interesting world and characters, I stopped at 15 to get on to other things. She's still reading by the way. Nicely done!

I liked this! You really know how to set a scene, I could feel everything! The action scenes play out really well too, has a natural flow to it. This is what fantasy is all about! Strong main character too, Lyra is the kind of role model a YA reader can aspire to. I read two chapters then skipped around the rest, as I do with complete books, and your voice, flow and overall feel is consistent throughout. You slowly build up a nice, almost creepy feel. It's well done.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

This is a gripping tale, full of suspense, and tension that builds nicely. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Chilling! Vibrant imagery of the oaks, the wolves and the clear, cool water of the stream. Also fabulous sensory of the wolf pack, tension builds because the protagonist doesn't know if the wolves will attack her or if they are friendly. Then when that tension eases, something mysterious happens in the village.

Your last paragraph leaves readers with a cliff hanger too because we still don't know what transpired in the village, who those men were that enslaved the protagonist's friends...so we turn to the next chapter.

Well done and shelved.

Patricia
Super-Nature Heroes

So far so good. I'm a huge fan of YA fantasies and you are doing a good job with this. The added elements of the wolves (which our one of my favorite animals) at the beginning stir curiosity and you do a good job describing the scene. The next chapter is full of action, which I love action mixed with a good plot. You characters are well thought out and function well driving the plot forward. Some things you might work if you choose is the just the flow of your prose. Sometimes it felt a little stilted, but still readable and understandable, so not huge issue just a minor. Good luck with this. Backed. - Christian Rogue (Wings of the Heart)

Thanks so much for your comments, I'm beginning to wonder if I uploaded and older version of my manuscript, because I keep getting comments on things I have already fixed. I know I change lay to lie after a grammer course I took. I'll have to check into that. Thanks for the great feedback, and backing my book.

Robin

Very intriguing beginning
A few nits
"There, near the creek, was a beautiful wolf" (Throughout the story, look for natural pauses and double-check your punctuation)
His dark fur... lay (past tense)

Backed,
Rebecca Wakefield
Too Much Love

You have a good story here which you have obviously thought and plotted through, another good entry to the fantasy genre

You have written and most intriguing book and the start is awesome and kept me on edge. Nice atmosphere you have created and the wolves do add that total feeling of something is happening but we don't know what. it is so ominous ans suspenseful.

This is great for YA and I know they will like it. As the last commnet says the genre is appealing.

So you're on a good postitve track.
I would be careful about overwriting ( we all do it) as you are ansxious to create suspense. I think editors call it over dramatizing. Just a thought of mine and it doesn't reflect on your work

Love this
Happy to put on my shelf/
The Mind setter

The genre you've chosen is always popular with the younger reader and this storyline should appeal to your target readership.
I do think your manuscript would benefit from a careful edit to clear up the changes of tense.
There are one or two instances where you've punctuated clauses as if they were sentences eg "Leaving my friends parents sobbing in the streets.", if there is no subject there is no sentence.
There are also some problems with possessive apostrophes you will find if you carry out an edit. Hope this helps.
Backed for its potential appeal to the younger reader
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

You are totally fantastic, Robin! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Robin,
The Heritage Series, Bloodline is a suspenseful story which is sure to enchant young readers of the fantasy genre. Lyra is such a compelling protagonist and the many unanswered questions in the synopsis create an intriguing account. Backed with enthusiasm.

When you describe the wolf at the beginning of this, I thought it was going to be like Shiver or Linger. But, I was pleasantly surprised as I continued reading. The story flows smoothly. You slip in and out of tenses, but it's nothing that can't be fixed with a good edit.

Best of luck with this!
Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Lyra. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to convey her thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Robin, I love your warm ending of family love at the end of chapter 33. :) Your pitch was concise in preparing me for me read about Lyra & the end made me miss my parents who have died, Daddy in '74 & Mama in '86 ;) - I still miss them so. ;( Such tender moments here, lots of recalling of happy times. :) Tight dialogue & paragraphs moved me right through your story, not to mention your storyline. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Robin,
I don’t know much about fantasy or YA, but this seems to me to appeal more to 10 to 14 year old children. The premise seems to be one that would appeal to this group.
I did notice a few things you might consider working on.

Watch for shifting tense.
The ground is veiled in mist and the air is cool. A thin fog lies just above the treetops threatening to smother the forest.[all present tense] I walked[past tense] through the silent early morning forest,[you already have forest in the previous line. Try to convey this idea without using forest again] It’s early morning and I walk through the trees quiet and subdued. [just a suggestion]

He looked at me for a long time before he went back to drinking from the cool clear water without looking away from me. [is it possible to go back to drinking and still look at the Lyra]

I get the impression that the opening scene is quite some distance up the hills and away from town and Lyra is looking down to view the lack of activity in the village. Yet even though it is foggy, she can see detail like the facial expressions of the people he sees.

Not a bad start but there might be a bit more work left.

Good luck,
MickR – The Nightcrawler