Book Jacket

 

rank 5157
word count 44945
date submitted 18.10.2010
date updated 17.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Children's, Young...
classification: universal
complete

NightShadow - The Hero Of Dynasty

Luke Thompson

TALE OF DEFIANCE, ADMIRATION, VALOUR!
Night and day will be encountered and sword and shield will no doubt clash in this ultimate battle for justice!

 

TALE OF DEFIANCE, ADMIRATION, VALOUR!

The fantasy battle emerges between the Golyonto wariors and the farmers of Dynasty. William a teenager with a different perspective and attitude to life leads his fellow Dynastylians into an unthinkable war of good verses evil. Night and day will be encountered and sword and shield will no doubt clash in this ultimate battle for justice! The Dynastylian (barely farmers) must now undertake vigourous training sessions and quickly adapt to the skills and mastery that they now require, only then will thier master lead them upon the battlefield in hope to replenish the freedom upon their land.

 
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tags

belief!, fantasy, justice, war

on 3 watchlists

11 comments

 

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Amanda Travis wrote 9 days ago

I really liked this piece of work. There is something magical and interesting about the way you wrote this. I enjoyed the sword play and the symbolism. The way you presented the plot and the character development. This was a joy for me to experience. Good job!

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 572 days ago

In places this resonates of Milton or even Spencer, apart from the fact that it's laced with errors. This high, poetic Reformation-style prose is hardly suitable for your tale...unless that was your intention which seems unlikely. It's really tempting to try and recreate larger-than-life scenes from Lord of the Rings etc but unless you're Tolkien reincarnated, I'd suggest you try and avoid it by developing a style and voice that is uniquely yours. A good effort nevertheless and one which deserves backing in due course!
Stay well
Stewart

MickR wrote 578 days ago

Luke,
Short pitch could use a bit of polish.
Consider something like:
Tale of defiance, admiration [and] valour. Battles will rage night and day as swords clash in this battle for justice.
Long pitch copy into word and do a spelling check.
Warriors, emerge, their, land
Also your short pitch is in your long pitch, word for word.
Think of these as a query letter to an agent of editor. Would they read on after reading these? In you long pitch use a few short paragraphs to try to convince anyone who reads them that they must read your book.
Yours did not do this for me.
For example, The fantasy battle emerges [what is a fantasy battle? Could you not just say a battle?]
William, a fifteen year old Dynastian leads an ill prepared army of farmers…
Your pitches are your first impression to readers. Make a better first impression.
As Roger said, keep trying and clean things up.
MickR – The Nightcrawler

Roger Thurling wrote 580 days ago

You might well have a good story here to tell, but at present it is struggling to show itself.
Luke, this is very much in need of editing ... ALL of it needs editing, there's scarcely a paragraph that doesn't require attention of some sort.
Don't give up - there have been plenty of good books which have required a lot of editing. Maybe this is one of them.
RT

scargirl wrote 580 days ago

interesting premise. you have a typo at the end of your paragraph. should it be land instead of landd?
j

thomo wrote 580 days ago

Thanks to everyone for your support :)

andrew skaife wrote 582 days ago

In treating your audience with a sophisticated write and giving them a sophisticated read you have cornered the YA audience market.

BACKED

SusieGulick wrote 584 days ago

Dear Luke, I love your concise pitch which prepared me for the hearafter, ending with chapter 11, forcasting to year 3300 :) - WOW!! Will there be more books to follow or will there be more chapters since it says "incomplete" under your book cover? :) May it never come to all of this devastation. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take just a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Jim Darcy wrote 584 days ago

Enjoyed what I read so far but you do need some editing eg, confusion there / their; no man's land with apostrophe etc. Don't worry, you will get plenty of advice here. :)

Andrew Burans wrote 584 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in William. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the youth audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

SusieGulick wrote 584 days ago

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 4 hours later :)

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