NightShadow - The Hero Of Dynasty

I really liked this piece of work. There is something magical and interesting about the way you wrote this. I enjoyed the sword play and the symbolism. The way you presented the plot and the character development. This was a joy for me to experience. Good job!

In places this resonates of Milton or even Spencer, apart from the fact that it's laced with errors. This high, poetic Reformation-style prose is hardly suitable for your tale...unless that was your intention which seems unlikely. It's really tempting to try and recreate larger-than-life scenes from Lord of the Rings etc but unless you're Tolkien reincarnated, I'd suggest you try and avoid it by developing a style and voice that is uniquely yours. A good effort nevertheless and one which deserves backing in due course!
Stay well
Stewart

Luke,
Short pitch could use a bit of polish.
Consider something like:
Tale of defiance, admiration [and] valour. Battles will rage night and day as swords clash in this battle for justice.
Long pitch copy into word and do a spelling check.
Warriors, emerge, their, land
Also your short pitch is in your long pitch, word for word.
Think of these as a query letter to an agent of editor. Would they read on after reading these? In you long pitch use a few short paragraphs to try to convince anyone who reads them that they must read your book.
Yours did not do this for me.
For example, The fantasy battle emerges [what is a fantasy battle? Could you not just say a battle?]
William, a fifteen year old Dynastian leads an ill prepared army of farmers…
Your pitches are your first impression to readers. Make a better first impression.
As Roger said, keep trying and clean things up.
MickR – The Nightcrawler

You might well have a good story here to tell, but at present it is struggling to show itself.
Luke, this is very much in need of editing ... ALL of it needs editing, there's scarcely a paragraph that doesn't require attention of some sort.
Don't give up - there have been plenty of good books which have required a lot of editing. Maybe this is one of them.
RT

interesting premise. you have a typo at the end of your paragraph. should it be land instead of landd?
j

Thanks to everyone for your support :)

In treating your audience with a sophisticated write and giving them a sophisticated read you have cornered the YA audience market.

BACKED

Dear Luke, I love your concise pitch which prepared me for the hearafter, ending with chapter 11, forcasting to year 3300 :) - WOW!! Will there be more books to follow or will there be more chapters since it says "incomplete" under your book cover? :) May it never come to all of this devastation. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take just a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Enjoyed what I read so far but you do need some editing eg, confusion there / their; no man's land with apostrophe etc. Don't worry, you will get plenty of advice here. :)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in William. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the youth audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 4 hours later :)