One Night in Tunisia

Clive,
I only read the first chapter.
I must really recommend that you do not start like this. It is largely a vehement discussion. Although it expresses a particular political view (and squashes the other) it comes across as very preachy in the first chapter. It will drive many readers away. You can do this later, when the reader is hooked. But if you do it now, you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead, I recommend that you focus on ambiance and hook. You have good characters, intreaguing, well described ambiance, and a compelling hook. Plus you write well. The police looking for the man, whose involvement with an extremist group is suspected, is fine. It is the dialogue that really makes it hard to swallow. Again, if you bring this in 20 or 50 pages later, then the reader will be more lenient. But I suggest you hook good and hard first.
That, at least, is my opinion.
Best of luck with it,
Maeve

Hi Clive,. Thanks for uploading this. It’s an interesting idea, with well developed characters, and the writing shines out. After so much is thrown into chapter one and the contentious character Saleh, chapter two could only be an anti-climax. However, it certainly isn’t.

Good luck with this - Ian

Hello Ian,

Many thanks for your review.

Regards,

Clive

Clive,

There's a lot to be said for the first chapter, and you paint what appears to be an authentic picture of Tunisia. Some nice descriptive touches, especially in the opening few paragraphs. One thing that made the read a little tough were the excessive use of commas, which for me broke the flow and rhythm. A couple of examples are "My seven comrades(,)glance at the cloudless night sky" and "we follow his eyes(,) as he glances back at the terrace steps."

From my perspective, I found the staccato feel of the read a little disconcerting, which in turn made it hard for me follow the story. I think if you ironed out some of these commas (and a few semi-colons), you'd help the read to flow a lot more.

I'm sorry if this sounds a little critical - I'm hardly an expert, but from my point of view, I'd like to see the writing flow a little more.

Best wishes,
Pete

Hi Clive,. Thanks for uploading this. It’s an interesting idea, with well developed characters, and the writing shines out. After so much is thrown into chapter one and the contentious character Saleh, chapter two could only be an anti-climax. However, it certainly isn’t.

Good luck with this - Ian

This is an interesting premise and subject matter. I liked the opening set up of the group being approached by Saleh and trying to work out his angle. You set up an atmospheric description of Tunis.

Some thoughts.
The pitch is a bit repetitive for me, saying 'set against the Blair/Brown years' twice, seems unnecessary. I want to be drawn in more by the drama.
The opening description has great tone and word choices but for me the grammar was a little testing. There are lots of commas and I didn't think they were all necessary.
Also, your narrator is inclined to tell us about, rather than show us, his friends: 'Steve, open as ever, never prone to pre-judgement...' is an example.
For me, this might be more effective if there were less of the Poseidon team being introduced at once. Perhaps Saleh could meet with just one or two so the reader doesn't have so many names and personalities to try and grasp all at once. Just a thought.

Best,
Kate
The Licenser

two chapters read. This is not the typpe of thing i would normally read. Initially, this had the fee of a big, globe-trotting thriller, in the Fleming/Ludlum idium. The setting and contect is an interesting one that will draw in fans of the genre. The cvharacters are well drawn, and it quickly had the feel of one of those franchise type novels, the beginning of a series rather than just a stand alone novel. However, i felt the first paragraph was a bit over-long, and perhaps could have got into the meat of the stoy a little quicker. Also, i felt you over punctuate at times, adding commas in the middle of sentences where they felt superfluous to me.
The mention of the Blair/brown years is intriguing and it would be interesting to see how you worrk these themes into the story. Highly starred.

You have chosen a delicate topic as the baseline for your story. Good for you.
You talk about Africa as though you know it personally, and the ship's crew as though they are old friends. You are obviously well versed in the political situations discussed in the book, and the ease with which you put the information into dialogue form proves that this is subject matter you know inside and out.
There are two voices here.
The first voice is narrative. You are telling the reader what is happening the whole time as though you are relating a memory that happened a while ago. This can work in flashbacks, but I've never read an entire novel written in the past tense unless it was in flashback form.
The second voice is of the characters in dialogue which feels much more natural.
I never say this, but I think it will make a huge difference in the first chapter...go back and take out most of your commas and semi colons. It will keep actions from being separated from the subjects.
For instance you wouldn't say
"The African, jumped into the water, splashing the small children, with his cannonball"
because the comma between African and jumped puts an unnatural break between the subject and the adjective. Let him complete his action. Nor would you put a comma between the words children and with.
"The African jumped into the water, splashing the small children with his cannonball"
This comes from me, the worlds run-on sentence queen and lover of commas. Shorter descriptive sentences are more effective when reading than seeing six commas in the wrong place.

Otherwise, very interesting. Initially in the story you are taking on a topic that is bound to offend the kind of people who don't want to think about the reality of our world's current situation, or acknowledge potentially combative differences in cultures and religions, but you back yourself up with history rather than emotion.
I'd like to hear more about the Poseidon and her crew and why she's in Africa early on in the story. I love the way you describe the city and it's lazy warm feelings and exotic scents.
You have a good way with words and I look forward to reading more.

I read up through chapter two and so far I think you have a great story. Your dialogue is natural, and you have some fantastic imagery woven in just the right places. You have a smooth flowing style that makes it an easy read. This is a well written book and I’m surprised it’s not sitting on more shelves. Thanks for the read. I will give this one high stars for sure.

Hello CGHarris,

Many thanks for your kind words and positive assessment. It is alwasy gratifying to hear that someone has found pleasure in my work.

All the best,

Clive

I read up through chapter two and so far I think you have a great story. Your dialogue is natural, and you have some fantastic imagery woven in just the right places. You have a smooth flowing style that makes it an easy read. This is a well written book and I’m surprised it’s not sitting on more shelves. Thanks for the read. I will give this one high stars for sure.

Anything that starts "set against the Blair/Brown years" is going ot draw me right in, though I wouldn't naturally be drawn to a North African themed novel usually.
You do a good job of setting the scene in those first few paragraphs, but I wonder if action should come sooner. A lot of readers skim this stuff to get to the story so I think it's better to keep description to a minimum at the start. In fact, you could start with the appearance of the man -draw us right into their world rather than introducing us to it gradually, pick up details of names etc on the fly.
You have a few punctuation issues and some stray apostrophes but nothing that can't be easily fixed.
Would be interested to see the link between Blair/Brown and the story... That could be a really interesting point to explore.

A great read, with a strong and interesting story.
I think the story is the most important part of the book.
This shows you are a natural storyteller.
Your language is good and the story flows.
Enjoyed what I read and will recommend to others.
Well done

Read and rated.

fascinating piece, original and interesting setting, and cultures...you write it well with a brilliant combination of narrative and dialogue...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Dear Su,

Many thanks for backing and commenting on One Night in Tunisia. Glad the read gave you some pleasure.

All the best,

Clive

fascinating piece, original and interesting setting, and cultures...you write it well with a brilliant combination of narrative and dialogue...
on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

"The days commerce" should be the day's commerce, shouldn't it?

Hi
Your story is well researched; its a great premise as well. Its characters and storyline is portrayed well. I like your sentence:
"Religion is fine if it's set in context and used to add richness to life without consuming everything around it." You may change everything to anything.

I've read the first chapter which is a mix of clever and mediocre. Too many pseudo phrases, such as, "Vino veritas, orange juice veritas"-- what is that supposed to mean?. Little or no capitalisation at the commencement of dialogue. "Brownie black eyes" is strange terminology. Repetitive phrases, such as "Lips trying to find moisture" This is what I mean by a mix of clever and mediocre.

The story is interesting but laboured. It needs some serious editing if the first chapter is representative of the whole. David

My favorite aspect of this was the setting. It's one of the most unique I've read, even outside of authonomy, and I was fascinated by the various cultural references. It added a nice element of intrigue.

Your writing style is outstanding. It flows smoothly with active sentences that drag your reader along. You have almost a conversationalist style that works well here. You're definitely talented.

I love how the tension gradually increased the longer Saleh stands before them. Sentence by sentence, the rising conflict took hold of my interest. And when it culminated in the end, I was officially hooked.

Along with the setting, I find the premise intriguing. In my opinion, this is a very creative story.

Suggestions: There were a few instances of telling in your opening that I felt would have been stronger had you shown this information instead. Watch out for "was" and "were" as these tend to be the most obvious signs of telling. You have a tendency to overwrite at times. For example, I'd cut "seeking moisture" from "he licked his lips..." It's unnecessary. The characters are a bit difficult to keep straight early on. I'd consider providing a bit more characterization or cutting those who aren't entirely necessary.

Typos: Should be: "day's commerce." Make sure you capitalize the first letter in dialogue. The use of the semi-colon in "He was in his early..." is incorrect. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. Should be: "granite-like" since it's two words serving as one adjective. Same with "broad-mindedness." Also "non-Muslims." Should be: Jeff leaned forward. "We are not interested..." since his action has nothing to do with his speech. Should be "leaning over Saleh." There were a few other minor mistakes, but noting that kept me from enjoying the story. A careful edit will resolve most of your issues.

This is an excellent start. The writing is solid and the premise is one of the most unique I've come across on authonomy. Well done!

Dear Joshua,

Many thanks for your positive assessment of One Night in Tunisia. It is very gratifying when a reader truly finds something that excites and hooks. I really appreciate your enthusiasm.

Kind regards,

Clive

My favorite aspect of this was the setting. It's one of the most unique I've read, even outside of authonomy, and I was fascinated by the various cultural references. It added a nice element of intrigue.

Your writing style is outstanding. It flows smoothly with active sentences that drag your reader along. You have almost a conversationalist style that works well here. You're definitely talented.

I love how the tension gradually increased the longer Saleh stands before them. Sentence by sentence, the rising conflict took hold of my interest. And when it culminated in the end, I was officially hooked.

Along with the setting, I find the premise intriguing. In my opinion, this is a very creative story.

Suggestions: There were a few instances of telling in your opening that I felt would have been stronger had you shown this information instead. Watch out for "was" and "were" as these tend to be the most obvious signs of telling. You have a tendency to overwrite at times. For example, I'd cut "seeking moisture" from "he licked his lips..." It's unnecessary. The characters are a bit difficult to keep straight early on. I'd consider providing a bit more characterization or cutting those who aren't entirely necessary.

Typos: Should be: "day's commerce." Make sure you capitalize the first letter in dialogue. The use of the semi-colon in "He was in his early..." is incorrect. An independent clause should follow a semi-colon. Should be: "granite-like" since it's two words serving as one adjective. Same with "broad-mindedness." Also "non-Muslims." Should be: Jeff leaned forward. "We are not interested..." since his action has nothing to do with his speech. Should be "leaning over Saleh." There were a few other minor mistakes, but noting that kept me from enjoying the story. A careful edit will resolve most of your issues.

This is an excellent start. The writing is solid and the premise is one of the most unique I've come across on authonomy. Well done!

Clive,
Good writing and great characters. I find it hard to comment on this sort of story, but i've got to give you credit for the obvious research you did to accomplish One Night in Tunisia. I do like the idea of Key West and agree that the lifestyle there is relaxed and happy, and at least for part of the year, the idyllic place to live. :).
My favourite phrase:
"Religion is fine if it's set in context and used to add richness to life without consuming everything around it." Love it!
High rated and placed in line for the desk.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Hey Clive, as requested, I read the first chapter (that's all I have time for right now, but I will come back to it).

I liked that you immediately drop us down in the midsts of action and keep us there all through the first chapter. I liked that you ended the chapter with good tension and a suspense hook. The names standout and are refreshing and I really like Saleh as a character. You know what you're doing when it comes to narrating a story...I really enjoyed what I've read so far.

Cheers,
Dwayne

From the pitch, this strikes me as a commercial premise. I agree with other reviewers that you do a great job with setting the scene, which I think is an important element to having a story with international intrique. I also think that your pacing is good in terms of narrative and dialogue and your dialogue is well done. I had a hard time overlooking the many punctuation errors and at times, grammatical problems. I know some don't like to discuss that "stuff," but to me...a book cannot be taken seriously unless these elements are in order. My advice to you would be to pull back and undertake a serious edit. Employ a line editor if need be and get it in tip top shape, because you do have the makings of a good story and many talents on display here.

---Mary

This tackles some very controversial topics head-on; this requires courage. Saleh's grievances and the westerner's rebuttals did not sit 100% easily with me, but this was a fine way to draw the reader into your tale. It's a little too talky to begin with, but we are quickly into the action at the end, as dumbfounded as your western characters. Where this will go, and the philosophical journey your characters will make as they confront Saleh's life - for good or illl - fascinates me.

P

Hello Pat,

Glad you found the first chapter fascinating. Please read on to find out what happens next to both Poseidon's crew and Saleh.

Best regards,

Clive

This tackles some very controversial topics head-on; this requires courage. Saleh's grievances and the westerner's rebuttals did not sit 100% easily with me, but this was a fine way to draw the reader into your tale. It's a little too talky to begin with, but we are quickly into the action at the end, as dumbfounded as your western characters. Where this will go, and the philosophical journey your characters will make as they confront Saleh's life - for good or illl - fascinates me.

P

Hi Clive

Here are my comments.

General comments : -
1. An interesting story.
2. I like you’re your ability as a wordsmith, and your use of similes.
3. There is too much use of the verb “to be”. “I was, we were, etc.” should be minimised, as they introduce passive text. (Do a search and you’ll see what I mean.)
4. You need to physically describe the main characters initially, then feed in more description of them as the story progresses.
5. There are some commas missing.
6. When there is text prior to dialogue, the start of the dialogue should be capitalised.
7. It sounds like the real story starts at chapter 3. I would seriously consider deleting chapters 1 and 2, and feeding some of their details in later. (See point 8 in Ch 1 below also.)

Some detailed critical comments : -
Ch 1
1. Instead of using “…was feeling relaxed…” try using “…felt relaxed…”
2. There is too much initial description of the Muslim in his twenties. Suggest feeding some of it in later.
3. The paragraph starting “When Carolyn and I…” and the next 4 paragraphs are a major distraction from the story. The first chapter should only be about the main story. Although a much shortened version of this (a couple of sentences) might be OK.
4. Further on, we are getting too much of a history lesson on the Crusades, and there is not enough dialogue. I suggest that you reduce the history and intersperse it with dialogue. That way you are then “showing” and not “telling”. Perhaps more of the history, if it is really needed, can be fed in later.
5. Your point about the Muslims being defeated in all 5 Crusades is not correct. The 3rd and 5th crusades in particular, as they were won by the Muslims.
6. Further on, you tell us too much about immigration problems – cut most of it, and feed in later if necessary.
7. Even further on you tell us about life in the Western world – cut most of it, and feed in later if necessary.
8. There is far too much “telling”. You really need to concentrate on the story, particularly in the first few chapters. I believe that if you cut out most of the telling and intersperse it with dialogue, the story will stand out. Just now the story is hidden in the depths of “telling” us lots of other things that are only indirectly connected to the story.
Ch 2
1. This is “telling” us another history lesson – don’t see any story.

Hope this helps.
Best regards
George

I got so excited, Clive, when I saw that you had backed my "Bible Verse Songs." :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

One Night in Tunisia
This is a great read. The characters have heart and soul, the story sings and the writing flows.
Check this book out.
A Zoomer

Me again. Just one last comment. The book title. Now I have to admit that I have not read the entire book so perhaps I am incorrect. Surely the story occuirs in more than just one night.

I refer you to the previous comment in response.

Firstly let me say that I do not do technical critigues. Number one, I do not feel qualified; and 2 I'm not too bothered about teh grammar being 100% correct. Having said taht I can't make my mind up about this story. Someone else has said that by trimming it it copuld make a good short story. That could be true. But I also think that by putting in more background, more description, more intrique, more tension, whatever, it could be a good full length novel. For example a bit more information about teh eight men would be useful. why are they in the area. How does Saleh know of them. Did he see them in a cafe perhaps. Has he been following them, maybe.
Conversely there are sections where there is too much detail, the story slows down. I think a balance needs to be struck. It has all of the ingredients of a good story. It just needs a bit of work, I think. These comments are just my opinion, and you should just ignore them if necessary.

Hello Tom/John,

There is only so much an opening chapter can contain without bursting out into the entire novel. Answers to the questions you have raised are in the following chapters. It's all there. Everything is revealed including where Saleh picked up the Poseidon crew. Ask Colonel Nassar, he know's.

All the best,

Clive

Me again. Just one last comment. The book title. Now I have to admit that I have not read the entire book so perhaps I am incorrect. Surely the story occuirs in more than just one night.

Firstly let me say that I do not do technical critigues. Number one, I do not feel qualified; and 2 I'm not too bothered about teh grammar being 100% correct. Having said taht I can't make my mind up about this story. Someone else has said that by trimming it it copuld make a good short story. That could be true. But I also think that by putting in more background, more description, more intrique, more tension, whatever, it could be a good full length novel. For example a bit more information about teh eight men would be useful. why are they in the area. How does Saleh know of them. Did he see them in a cafe perhaps. Has he been following them, maybe.
Conversely there are sections where there is too much detail, the story slows down. I think a balance needs to be struck. It has all of the ingredients of a good story. It just needs a bit of work, I think. These comments are just my opinion, and you should just ignore them if necessary.

Hi, What a great story, and what a good time to be telling it! Refugees, North Africa!! You couldn't be more relevant! I wish all the best with it.
Star rated
Ruthx

Hello Ruth,

Many thanks for your kind remarks. Glad you enjoyed what you read. Yes you are quite right regarding its relevance to what is happening currently in North Africa. I bit the bullet and made some unsolicited approaches to literary agents with the below email. Got some bites!

Best regards,

Clive

Current North African crisis foretold in new novel - will sell like hot cakes!
From:
Clive Radford
Add to Contacts
To:

One Night in Tunisia 28th Feb 2011(Word 97-2003 doc) V.1.doc (525KB)

FAO: < >


Dear < >,

Re: One Night in Tunisia

Forgive this unsolicited approach but in view of events happening in North Africa right now, this novel will sell like hot cakes.

It foretells events which we are now seeing 'live' on our TV screens.

< > could steal a march on competitors and have a book out on the market which will be scooped up by people curious to understand the North African crisis in the context of a novel.

Over twenty novels were resultant from 9/11. All were successful. Most went on to be best sellers. The current North African affair is building up into a similar watershed event. Publishers must be wetting their appetites in anticipation.

I don't usually get this forward but I beg, beseech and implore you to take a look at this work. It's a golden opportunity, just too good to miss.

I look forward to your reply.

Yours sincerely,

Clive Radford

Synopsis

Eight Englishmen on sojourn, voyage around the Med on Poseidon, a fast schooner. Set against the impact of the Blair/Brown years, the crew find solace and experience seminal life in North African ports.

Tunis brings an unexpected encounter with Saleh, an Ethiopian asylum seeker and Colonel Nassar, Chief of Police. It sharpens the focus of what’s happening back in Blighty.

Off Sicily, Poseidon witnesses an asylum seeker sea rescue by the coast guard. Some have drowned. Poseidon’s crew wonder if Saleh is on board or whether he is shaking hands with Neptune. They also ponder if they are also crossing over to the dark side with Priest’s dystopia vision just around the corner.

cv

I first began writing poetry and short stories at school, then university but mainly through subsequent life experience. My poetry has been published in poetry magazines and more recently in six book compilations by United Press. My ambition is have a volume of poetry, short stories and novels published.

One Night in Tunisia will appeal to those fascinated by intrigue but I want to get its broader message out into a wider audience. This ambition will only be achieved through the support of an agent looking for a work which has unique selling points and sets itself apart. One Night in Tunisia satisfies both these key differentiators giving me a distinctive voice.

Hi, What a great story, and what a good time to be telling it! Refugees, North Africa!! You couldn't be more relevant! I wish all the best with it.
Star rated
Ruthx

ONE NIGHT IN TUNISIA
I remember commenting on this book when it was under a different title, I wonder if you've changed the content much as well?
Your pitch is intriguing and the start in chapter 1 gets off well with much to think about. The tension begins to build as Saleh explains more about what he is after. Your pacing is pretty good so far.
Chapter 1
A few grammar mistakes -, 'ok' Should be a capital before the mark and OK should be in caps.
age - should be aged
I would have liked to see more use of commas. Some of your sentences are quite long. Try reading them out loud - you need a breath sometimes!
'Well'. I think this should be a question 'Well?'
Numbers written 23 - should be twenty three years old. Spell numbers before one hundred. More examples of this later on in the MS

These grammar mistakes are all simple ones to overcome - I too make lots of mistakes, and it is a devil sometimes finding them when you've been over the text dozens of times. I think you need to spend some more time in doing this.
One thing bothered me; you reminiscences. I often felt that I wanted to get on with the story proper eg the family from New York who sold up and went to live in Key West - interesting but not valid at this point.
I also felt that your political parts were a bit like a lecture.

This has improved since I last commented on your work however. Again I love the exotic setting and the story theme and plot is well thought out. I have given you a good handful of stars and good luck with it.
Faith
THE CROSSING

ONE NIGHT IN TUNISIA
I remember commenting on this book when it was under a different title, I wonder if you've changed the content much as well?
Your pitch is intriguing and the start in chapter 1 gets off well with much to think about. The tension begins to build as Saleh explains more about what he is after. Your pacing is pretty good so far.
Chapter 1
A few grammar mistakes -, 'ok' Should be a capital before the mark and OK should be in caps.
age - should be aged
I would have liked to see more use of commas. Some of your sentences are quite long. Try reading them out loud - you need a breath sometimes!
'Well'. I think this should be a question 'Well?'
Numbers written 23 - should be twenty three years old. Spell numbers before one hundred. More examples of this later on in the MS

These grammar mistakes are all simple ones to overcome - I too make lots of mistakes, and it is a devil sometimes finding them when you've been over the text dozens of times. I think you need to spend some more time in doing this.
One thing bothered me; you reminiscences. I often felt that I wanted to get on with the story proper eg the family from New York who sold up and went to live in Key West - interesting but not valid at this point.
I also felt that your political parts were a bit like a lecture.

This has improved since I last commented on your work however. Again I love the exotic setting and the story theme and plot is well thought out. I have given you a good handful of stars and good luck with it.
Faith
THE CROSSING

I read your first chapter.

General comments: Thought-provoking start. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Steve who was nearest to him looked around us and answered, 'Yes'. Period goes inside the closing quote mark.
2) 'I want to ask you if ......... When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with nine dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of using too many dots for ellipses.
3) 'You were saying', said Jeff. Punctuation goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases of dialogue punctuation being outside the quote marks.
4) He showed us a thick roll of Tunisian dinar, 'You have a boat, yes?' Period after 'dinar.' The sentence is ordinary narrative and should be punctuated like any narrative sentence. There are more cases of narrative sentences being punctuated with a comma when a period is appropriate.
5) 'Sir, is this man bothering you? Put a closing quote mark at the end of this dialogue.
6) 'Yes, what would you like' asked David. Comma after 'like.'
7) 'When he was 23 years old ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should be spelling out numbers.
8) Capitalize 'internet.'
9) ' ... for a new life in Key West was the smarted decision he had ever made.' 'Smarted' should be 'smartest.'
10) 'WHY?' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words.
11) ' ... his head tilted down naval gazing.' 'Naval' should be 'navel.'
12) ' ... and yet your intension is to claim you are a persecuted asylum seeker.' said Jeff. Comma after 'seeker.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" ready for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you please read a chapter or two and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a fine day.

Al

Many thanks Al for your fine scrutiny. Much appreciated.

Best regards,

Clive

I read your first chapter.

General comments: Thought-provoking start. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) Steve who was nearest to him looked around us and answered, 'Yes'. Period goes inside the closing quote mark.
2) 'I want to ask you if ......... When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more than three dots pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean with nine dots. You don't want that. There are more cases of using too many dots for ellipses.
3) 'You were saying', said Jeff. Punctuation goes inside the closing quote mark. There are more cases of dialogue punctuation being outside the quote marks.
4) He showed us a thick roll of Tunisian dinar, 'You have a boat, yes?' Period after 'dinar.' The sentence is ordinary narrative and should be punctuated like any narrative sentence. There are more cases of narrative sentences being punctuated with a comma when a period is appropriate.
5) 'Sir, is this man bothering you? Put a closing quote mark at the end of this dialogue.
6) 'Yes, what would you like' asked David. Comma after 'like.'
7) 'When he was 23 years old ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should be spelling out numbers.
8) Capitalize 'internet.'
9) ' ... for a new life in Key West was the smarted decision he had ever made.' 'Smarted' should be 'smartest.'
10) 'WHY?' No need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics to emphasize words.
11) ' ... his head tilted down naval gazing.' 'Naval' should be 'navel.'
12) ' ... and yet your intension is to claim you are a persecuted asylum seeker.' said Jeff. Comma after 'seeker.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I'm trying to get "Savannah Fire" ready for a run at the editor's desk in April or May. Would you please read a chapter or two and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a fine day.

Al

Hi Clive,
I've read the first chapter of your book and I think you have a good insight to the underlying facts that surround your story. You have interesting characters and great dialogue - although dialogue is normally enclosed with double quotes, not single. Best of success in your book.
...ronnie dauber (author of Web Secrets)

Thought-provoking, to be sure, and entertaining as well.

Clive, you want to convey your insights of current politics to us, but at this stage, you seem to waver between the use of a story to tell us, or a lecture. I tend to think a straight fiction story is a more effective device, as many of us tend to rebel against lectures. Within a story, the lessons are conveyed with more subtlety.
Your use of words: Sometimes it is like you're trying too hard, and then getting it slightly wrong. You tend to use a longer, not-quite-right word, when a simple one would do. eg, 'holistic' used in a context where 'whole' would be better, a 'lexicon' of social activities instead of a variety, 'like an anachronism of whatever true character...' and 'rapacious outpouring.' 'rapacious' means greedy. It is better to use a common word that says exactly what it means than try to impress with 'long words.'
You have your story, you have an exotic location, together there is promise of something good. Good luck with your writing.
A few typos to come in a separate message. Marj.

gee Clive I just finished ch 10. What an experience y'all have had. As I said before I wouldn't last 5 minutes other than the fact that I can both sail and swim. great story! LLL

Hello Linda Lou,

Glad you liked it.

Many thanks,

Clive

gee Clive I just finished ch 10. What an experience y'all have had. As I said before I wouldn't last 5 minutes other than the fact that I can both sail and swim. great story! LLL

Clive -

One Night in Tunesia - Saleh bin Tariq ... quite an opening speech, indeed. It is a fascinating encounter between the young Ethopian and the crew, and I was getting fully into it until the paragraph starting ... Though the method was scurillious ... the diversion of reminiscences became too long and I wanted to get back to the story. The politcal contemplations deepen the issue but required me to switch my expectations, which I did for a while. I know it's childish, but you start with story and my expectation was set. I skipped forward :) to where the story continues and I'm with you. Just one reader, but I wonder if the format works and if there is a way to weave the politics more into the story, which would widen your readership. The writing is good and the subject certainly fascinating and in dire need of deeper exploration, so I star-rate this well for now.Best sucess, Pia

Hello Pia,

Thank very much for your well thought out review of One Night in Tunisia. You make some very valid points,some of which I will build into the next release of the novel. If you want to know what happens next may I suggest you take a look at chapters 9 and 10 which chronologically follow on from chapter 1.

Best regards,

Clive

Clive -

One Night in Tunesia - Saleh bin Tariq ... quite an opening speech, indeed. It is a fascinating encounter between the young Ethopian and the crew, and I was getting fully into it until the paragraph starting ... Though the method was scurillious ... the diversion of reminiscences became too long and I wanted to get back to the story. The politcal contemplations deepen the issue but required me to switch my expectations, which I did for a while. I know it's childish, but you start with story and my expectation was set. I skipped forward :) to where the story continues and I'm with you. Just one reader, but I wonder if the format works and if there is a way to weave the politics more into the story, which would widen your readership. The writing is good and the subject certainly fascinating and in dire need of deeper exploration, so I star-rate this well for now.Best sucess, Pia

Hi Clive,
Great premise with an appealing setting. Your writing is elegant. However, in hopes of being helpful, here are two nits: When describing Saleh's dress at the outset, you mention the "latter," but gave three variables. Technically, latter is the second of two things. Not a big deal, but if a reader is retentive, as I am, it pulls from the flow of things. "The last" would work, I'd think. But I love that they feel his stare before noticing him.
I've heard some say in comments here that Europeans tell while Americans show. I don't know about this. However, I am wondering if it might not be preferable to replace: 'Saleh looked sullen and lost' with something like: His shoulders sagged and his age regressed before our eyes as if he were a dispirited boy. Of course, you show well many many things in your work. And sometimes, we rightly become more concerned with pace, and in those times, tell. Again, just trying to be helpful. You are very talented and have a work that looks poised to succeed. Starred highly.
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Hello John,

Many thanks for your most constructive comments and the high star rating. I appreciate any feedback which helps refine the story. If you want to know what happens next may I suggest you take a look at chapters 9 and 10 which chronologically follow on from chapter 1.

Best regards,

Clive

Hi Clive,
Great premise with an appealing setting. Your writing is elegant. However, in hopes of being helpful, here are two nits: When describing Saleh's dress at the outset, you mention the "latter," but gave three variables. Technically, latter is the second of two things. Not a big deal, but if a reader is retentive, as I am, it pulls from the flow of things. "The last" would work, I'd think. But I love that they feel his stare before noticing him.
I've heard some say in comments here that Europeans tell while Americans show. I don't know about this. However, I am wondering if it might not be preferable to replace: 'Saleh looked sullen and lost' with something like: His shoulders sagged and his age regressed before our eyes as if he were a dispirited boy. Of course, you show well many many things in your work. And sometimes, we rightly become more concerned with pace, and in those times, tell. Again, just trying to be helpful. You are very talented and have a work that looks poised to succeed. Starred highly.
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Contemporary lives have been conveyed into mind of writers for the process of fictionalization, though it has contained voyage through sea and analysis of thinking etc. We can define your work so.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Seagulls
The Wildfire

ONE NIGHT IN TUNISIA
Hullo Clive. Thank you so much for your kind review of my book. Your books first chapter strikes fear in the hearts of those who may have had little concern about the Muslim's and the negative and angry emotions generated by the same. We as part of the general population of the world tend to be out of touch with this reality. your historical notations are great since they address events often forgotten but yet clearly related to this current religious strife. I found a couple of small possible edits but that sort of critique will be up to your future publisher. This is a starring work to be sure! LLL

Dear Linda Lu,

Many thanks for your intuitive appraisal of One Night in Tunisia. You certainly got the main thrust of the theme. If you want to fast forward to what happens next, perhaps you would care to take a look at chapters 9 and 10.

Best regards,

Clive

ONE NIGHT .....
Dear Mr.Clive,
As suggested, I revisited and this time read ch.9. Very well written. Elegant prose. Your Knowledge and writing skill are highly impressive.
A few typos I happen to come across:
" it could be reasonable deduced..." Reasonably?
"and you to will be powerless..." you too?
"I have wrestled with my conscious..." Conscience?
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Dear TMN

Very glad that chapter 9 fulfilled your expectations and many thanks for highlighting the typo's. Modern Word Processors seem to have a mind of their own and sneakily update words unbeknown to the writer. Will certainly make corrections as part of the next update.

You might care to try chapter 10 now to find out what happens next and the conclusion to the story.

Very best regards,

Clive

"One Night in Tunisia" - Clive Radford. I read the 1st chapter scanned some of the 2nd chapter and several comments. You have an interesting story to tell concerning refugees and fundamentalism. Some thoughts: somehow by the end of the chapter the reader should have some good feelings about Saleb - is he worth saving - if so from himself or what? - the reader needs a reason to keep reading; I kept getting distracted by your switching back and forth from 3rd party observer/historian to the bar scene - why not let Saleb and the other characters tell the history in dialog?; why distract the reader with Scientology?; your conclusion about Charles and Saleb seem premature since Saleb has been only talking with the group for a few minutes; in some respects your 1st chapter reminds me at times of an editorial/op ed piece. You have a story to tell, but your writing form seems to be getting in the way of the story; I noted you suggested several times to others who commented that they read Chapters 9-10 - perhaps consider putting them 1st? Hope this helps.

Gideon McLane
"Thrill Writer's Remorse"

I would refer my learned colleague to the reply given to Mr Joel Juedes below.