Shattered Demons

Just read the first two chapters, after spotting a fairly recent update to the book. You have some great elements here, a troubled past, a dangerous man trying to get out of prison, a powerful and wealthy family full of troubles, jealousy and rivalry amongst siblings. They all work well as hooks creating interest and intrigue.

The first chapter, in particular, provides a lot of information on the tangled history and complexity of the family relationships. I started to understand them a little better by the end of chapter two. Zoe is very in love with Robbie in these first two chapters and looking forward to the wedding so can't wait to find out why she leaves him.

Gabriella is a difficult character to get your head round. Initially she seems cold, distant perhaps even manipulative but then you come to realise how much she loved and misses her husband, how hard it has been for her to continue to build the business and be a mother. Now I want to know what happened in Ohio to drive her and Zoe so far apart and why those events look likely to encroach on Zoe's life again.

The only other point I have to add is regarding the short pitch, it tells you Zoe has been unhappy in the past but doesn't really give a sense of why nor does it hint at the trouble to come. Your long pitch builds more of the drama and tension and would be nice to see some of that in the short pitch as well.

Lots of description on ol boy "waiting till november to see the girl" I think that line really sunk in his obsession for her. Over all the writing is great, it's a little to mushy for me, but i'm gonna read on as I want to hit another chap with steve harden in it. He is what draws me into this story. If the next few chaps are as good as this one count on a backin from me.

You are totally fantastic, Elaine!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

I've read the first chapter of this and want to know more about these people. There are a few minor glitches, with run on sentences, but they're easily fixed. As Sly observed, there's a complex plot here and the characters are interesting. The dialogue sounded very natural. My ownly suggestion would be that maybe this first chapter could have been broken into two or three shorter ones. But I have every intention of reading more of this and wish you all the best with it.

'How could she need a person this much and not fall apart because of it?' Though it has some elements of a thriller, this is clearly more of a romance, and I'm not a good judge of that genre. I do, however, really like the complex plot that’s simmering away here, with the criminal (sadist?) about to be released - clearly Zoella is not going to like that. There is also an equally complex network of relationships and emotions that are guaranteed to keep the reader wondering who will end up with who, and whether they would like that or not. Of course, if Harden gets out, all bets are off...

This has a great plot and some strong, talented writing. It doesn't yet feel like a finished draft, however, as there is still room for improvement (some suggestions below). I will give it a high rating, but would like to see it again after another edit. Not my genre, but I can recognise a darn good story when I see one.

Possible nits: Pitch: 'the love of her life ... The woman he loves ... the love of his life'. 'would do that to ... she would do that to'. The last line of the pitch would be better left off. Story: 'her screams had been to him', omit last 2 words. 'sighing at the arousal ... Julia sighed at the sound ... Julia nodded and sighed ... Julia nodded' (BTW you don't need to say who is speaking with every line, especially when it's just two people). 'Shrugging of [off] the threatening melancholy'. The word 'heart' seems to appear quite a lot. 'front row seat[s]'. Not sure about the line, 'Without you, this tour would not have been so successful' - without an audience, it wouldn't be a success at all. After the concert, there's a bit of an info dump about Athena's, Thaddeus' and Kenny's jobs. You could probably cut back quite a lot on this and let any necessary details emerge later. 'She started rummaging in it' -> 'She rummaged in it'. 'Danny studied her ... studied her instead'.

Your novel is giving a message to the world that there is nothing eternal. Everything on this earth is subjecting to changes. Today’s fortune may turn to be tomorrow’s sorrows. You have placed a lady in the centre point of this dogma. Your flexibility to handle such kind of thing is laudable. In a mean this novel is a philosophy too.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

I'm in ch 6. Here are my notes:

Great image of the room.

The first section establish tension around Zoe's dilemma.

Franco is a bit of a mystery

The tension escalates with Alain's dialogue

Rock star--nice touch. The chapter has the feeling of an American soap

The section breaks keep things moving--high drama, fast paced

The dialogue is compitent

This must be a high paced story --moving from drama to drama. In in the fight with Franco and Robbie

Pace picks up

this story moves at lightning speed through the emotional pain and physical consequence of love gone wrong.

Now that I get what you're doing, I do have a suggestion I'll leave in your imessages.

I read through to the end of chapter 5 so that I could understand all the many characters; and now need to know what is going to happen, so will have to come back and read some more. I like your use of dialogue to drive the story, best line so far is when Danny advises his sister to "be nice to each other" good simple advice. Have rated and added to my watchlist...Good luck
Babs

Shattered demons
Inreresting pitch, so is the story
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Shattered Demons is an evocative story with strong, believable dialogue and a premise that will win the hearts of readers. I found the flow of the first chapter to be impeccable. Using dialogue to advance the story is effective in a story that focuses on such human issues, and the author has gotten inside her character and then invited us to join her. This stands above much chick-lit types books I've read and I would certainly pick up this book in a bookstore and begin reading. I also love the setting, and the promise of visiting Athens in the story. My suggestion is in the pitch, where "love of his/her life" is used twice - this could be considered cliche, so finding slightly different wording for at least one mention would enhance your pitch. My only other suggestion -- and this is only if you plan to market the book in America - is Sandra O'Connor's name. Sandra O'Connor is a high profile supreme court justice in the United States, and Americans will automatically think of her when they see the name. You don't want them popping out of the story, for even a second. When I looked at your tags, I saw Young Adult, but this is definitely a book for adults, even though older teens can enjoy it. The YA tag usually means the story has main characters that are teens, and is written specifically for them.
This is a nice story and I believe you'll find wide readership.

You are totally fantastic, Elaine! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I ****** 'd your book the other day :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

I read your prologue and first chapter.

General comments: An engaging romance with a fascinating cast of well-rounded complex characters. You have a talent for description. For example, your description of Jessica (from Danny's point of view). Your dialogue is interesting and informative. You use exposition well to get deep into your characters.

Specific comments on Prologue:
1) The first three pragraphs of your prologue failed to hook me. Consider starting your story with your fourth paragraph. '... until his obsession walked into his life' hooked me.
2) The similie 'like a fine aged wine' is cliche. Consider conveying the same idea but in a fresh way.
3) '... and how beautiful her screams had been to him' also hooked me.
4) "He can't come out." Julia Girgorio stated. Comma after 'out.' When a dialogue tag (ie: Julia Girgorio stated) follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question). There are many more cases of this type of problem. This is big. It's important you correct this wherever it occurs. If you do nothing else from my comments, fix this.

Specific comments on Chapter One:
1) The first two sentences of the opening paragraph are 'telling.' Consider starting with the third sentence.
2) 'Shrugging of' should be 'shrugging off.'
3) The 'shiny white scar' on Zoe's wrist intrigues me.
4) "In you dreams sugar, you ready?" Comma after 'dreams.' When you address some one in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases of this type of problem.
5) Good dialogue between Kenny, Thaddeus and Athena. It's interesting and informative.
6) "No more concerts for a while." She said. Comma after 'while' and 'She' should be lowercase. When a dialogue tage follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma and the first word of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's someone's name).
7) Your narrative of Robbie's thoughts about Zoe is well done.

I hope this critique helps. These are just my opinions. Take what you find useful and discard the rest.

I like this! It's got a brilliant quality to it. It's gripping and dramatic. It's what a book should be.
I'd back it, but this stupid website won't let me! What's up with that?!
When I can, I most definitely will!

Amy
x

I found the manner of the introduction of characters in Shattered Demons to be vivid and remarkably potent; sharply defined cameos that swiftly created real and credible beings in each scenario using eloquent and graphic prose without undue embellishment. Edgy, attention holding and eminently readable. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run.

great and exciting read. well constructed.
best

Thanks so much for your comment, I will write more, so that you can read more..hehe.

Hi Elaine

I have just had to force myself to stop reading as I have so much to do today.
This is very good.
Your characters are all very well defined and you have given them all thorough backgrounds,
You describe the places and feelings excellently drawing any reader in to the book with ease.
I will be back later to read more as I am desperate to know what is going to happen to Zoe.
Sarah. T-cup and the Dream Team Fairies

Your short pitch has an element of mystery & I would personally finish it after mentioning the letter - this would really intrigue the reader & make them keen to find out what the letter was about. They would be asking the questions such as - Who was it from? Was it good news? etc. etc. Your book is dramatic & you develop your characters well, perhaps more descriptions would add to the depth of your writing? This is original & different & should stand out from other books of the same genre. Wishing you every success - Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my valley?)

Edging and tantillizing, the opener sets a dramatic stage for future events, especially taking time to introduce us to your characters, their aspirations and anticipations for marriage. Nicely written. Good luck.

To Elaine Kamari (Shattered Demons)

I'm not usually drawn to this genre, but I was drawn in this time and I'm pleased I was. Your writing is great and your characters must have taken quite a time to create. I'm BACKING your book and it goes on my shelf now.

Frank James (The Contractor)

This reads like a good romance/ edgy novel. Other than some minor typos (who doesn't have them?) it is well-written and engaging and I just want to read on! I love Zoe's character and I'm wondering if her and Robbie's relationship seems too good to be true.

Happily backed
Denise

Would you mind taking a peek at my book "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon?"

Beautifully descriptive writing. A dramatic story with realistic characters. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Dear Elaine, I love the way Zoe is trying & she seeks out her aunt & uncle for advice. :) Your pitch prepared me for something dramatic & it sure was!!! :) Tight paragraphs & dialouge moved me right through your story & I kept thinking, "poor Zoe" "poor Robbie" "poor Kenny" - since I'm left up in the air at the end of chapter 6, I'll write in my heart, "Zoe & Robbie got it all worked out & got married & lived happily ever after." I've backed your book :) - could you please take just a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Elaine,
You have such a strong narrative style in Shattered Demons which brings the reader into the moment. Your descriptions and sharp dialogue along with your compelling plot make supporting your work a pleasure. Backed.

I’m going to back this based solely on the strength of the voice. You have one of the more polished I’ve read this week. Narrative flows well also, but could use a bit of smoothing out on the rough edges. But your voice is very active, not passive which is the tendency for writers on this site. So good job there. I have not read enough to comment on plot structure, but based on what I have read you have my support and will be on my shelf today. Please read some f my book when you have time and let me know what you think. And goodluck with your manuscript.


cheers

blueboy

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Zoe. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

:) comment to follow :)

First of all I was intrigued by your pitch and then as I started to read the prologue, I was indeed hooked that is until I finished the first chapter, which I am afraid is my limit at this moment as I do have lost of books to get through. The story line is interesting, it almost seemed like I was reading one of Sidney Sheldon's novels, which I am glad to say is one of my favourite authors.Anyway coming back to your book, the narratives and dialogues are well written and consise. If I have one fault it would be your over use of the name Steve Harden. I believe you could cut out some of its repeatitiveness by either using, HE or just STEVE as you ahd already used his full names at the start of the prologue. Besides that the pace of your story flows quite well. You are certainly prolific.And yes I will back this nook for its merit.
Cheers and good luck with the publication of this interesting book.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

good story; flowing narrative, effective descriptions- good book allround- and this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Stunning read, Good clear pitch that appeals.


backed
the mind setter

I agree with Clare that you should separate the pitch into two paragraphs. It's a little too abrupt jumping from her to him. Apart from that, you have a very intriguing story that I'm willing to come back to when I can. Simply, I love stories in which chaos is milling around in the background waiting to pouch on the mundane: "I love you pixie." Uh-huh . . . "For the first time in my life, I'm really happy." Then the whip comes down. "Why would anyone let that monster out?" Why, indeed! Backed for now.

Some nice descriptive detail but a bit wordy in places...could use tightening up.
Cheers
Stewart

This is great - very well written, I think that it will do well on this site. My only suggestion is for your pitch - maybe just have a space between the section about 'her' and the section about 'him. So before the line 'The woman he loves...' - just my opinion you don't have to listen.

Best of luck on this site.

Clare
Kettle. Tap. Door.

SHATTERED DREAMS.
A nice idea and a pleasant introduction. Watch your grammar as i noticed quite a few mistakes - a checker will help. After a full edit you could have a promising book here for chick lit.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Thanks, I love Greece, it's really beautiful....

A nice read. I like your connection with Greek things, originally coming from Greece myself
N