The Dirty Shepherdess
Dramatis Personae:
Narrator
King Bob
Princess Jessica
Princess Natalie
Farmer Giles’ Wife
Prince Matthew
King Fred
Various servants, courtiers and sheep
The Plot
A King once asked his two daughters to tell him how much they loved him. The elder daughter told him that he was the apple of her eye and the younger daughter said she loved him like the salt on her food. He was not happy with the answer of his younger daughter and ordered her out of the kingdom. She went, taking her fine clothes and jewels with her. She made herself dirty so that a farmer’s wife would hire her to work as a shepherdess. On her days off she dressed herself in her finery and paraded in front of her mirror. The prince of that kingdom saw her like this and fell in love with her. He asked who the beautiful woman was and was laughed at because everyone thought the shepherdess was ugly and dirty. The prince grew lovesick and said that only a loaf of bread baked by his true love would cure him. The princess made the bread and accidentally dropped one of her rings into it. The prince found the ring and declared he would marry the woman whose finger it fitted. When every other woman in the land had tried it, he insisted that the dirty shepherdess be allowed to try it. To everyone’s surprise, it fitted. She changed into her finery and the king of that land allowed them to marry. She insisted that her father be invited to the ceremony and ordered that his food be cooked without salt, to show him that he had misinterpreted her words.
The Play
Scene 1: King Bob’s Castle
Narrator: Once upon a time in a land far away from here, there lived a king.
King Bob: Hello! I am King Bob.
Narrator: King Bob had two daughters. The eldest was called Jessica.
Princess Jessica: Hello!
Narrator: And the youngest was called Natalie.
Princess Natalie: Hi!
Narrator: King Bob wanted to know how much his daughter’s loved him.
King Bob: Jessica! Natalie! Come here! I want you to tell me how much you love me.
Princess Jessica: Oh, Daddykins! I love you as the apple of my eye.
King Bob: Wow! That’s a lot. How much do you love me, Natalie?
Princess Natalie: You are like the seasoning on my food, Daddy.
King Bob: Seasoning on food? What, like salt and pepper? How boring. Clearly you don’t love me very much.
Narrator: King Bob decided to send Princess Natalie away from the kingdom to punish her for not loving him enough.
King Bob: Clear off you ungrateful child!
Narrator: Princess Natalie was very sad to be sent away.
Princess Natalie: Boo hoo. I’m very sad.
Narrator: But she did as her father told her and packed her bags and left the castle that day.
Princess Natalie: [struggling with heavy suitcases] I wish I could take some servants with me to carry this lot!
Scene 2: Farmer Giles’ Farm
Narrator: Poor Princess Natalie walked for hours and hours. As she walked, she realised that she was going to have to get a job.
Princess Natalie: Why should I do that? I’m a princess! Princesses don’t have jobs!
Narrator: Uh, you’re not a princess any more, Natalie. Your Dad kicked you out, remember?
Princess Natalie: Oh yeah! Boo hoo. I’m very sad.
Narrator: As I was saying, our heroine realised she was going to have to get a job.
Princess Natalie: Ok, ok, you win… I’m going to have to get a job but what can I do? Let’s see [starts looking through the paper] what jobs are there on here? …. P, p, p, p, painter, plumber, postman … No. No adverts for a princess.
Narrator: Well duh! You’ll have to do something else.
Princess Natalie: [getting upset] But what else can I do? Being a princess is all I know!
Narrator: Well normal people manage! [Takes pity on her]. Look, I’ll tell you what you can do. Ask at that farm over there if they need any help.
Princess Natalie: Right!
Narrator: Natalie realised that people would think it odd if a well dressed lady came knocking at the door asking for work.
Princess Natalie: I did? I mean, of course I did! I was just about to mention it when you beat me to it.
Narrator: So she changed into her oldest and shabbiest dress
Princess Natalie: [aside] It’s the one I wear when I have to tidy my bedroom.
Narrator: And took all the jewels out of her hair and took off her rings and bracelets and necklace and earrings and put them all carefully into her jewellery box.
Princess Natalie: Safe and sound.
Narrator: Then she took off her ruby slippers…
Princess Natalie: That’s The Wizard of Oz, you idiot! Keep to the right story!
Narrator: Well what shoes are you wearing then? [Natalie shows them]. Oh, they’ll do.
Princess Natalie: Right, off to the farm then!
Narrator: [shouts] Hold it! [in a normal voice] Natalie realised that she still looked far too clean so she rolled about on the ground to get grass stains on he skirt.
Princess Natalie: [laughs] Nurse would have a fit if she saw me doing this!
Narrator: Then she scuffed her shoes in the dirt and rubbed mud onto her clothes, face and hands.
Princess Natalie: Eugh! Not so sure about this bit!
Narrator: [enjoying this far too much] And then she went and rolled in a cow pat!
Princess Natalie: Uh, uh! I draw the line at cow pats! That’s just gross! I thought you were supposed to be helping!
Narrator: Sorry. As I was saying, having scruffed herself up a bit, Princess Natalie went and knocked on the farm house door.
[Natalie knocks on the door, which is opened by Farmer Giles’ Wife]
Farmer Giles’ Wife: Ar?
Princess Natalie: Hello. My name’s Natalie and I’m looking for a job.
Farmer Giles’ Wife: Ar.
Princess Natalie: Um, can you give me a job?
Farmer Giles’ Wife: [looking Natalie up and down] Ar, p’raps.
Princess Natalie: [aside] She does talk! I was beginning to wonder! [To Farmer Giles’ Wife] Thank you. What is it?
Farmer Giles’s Wife: ‘Ow be ye with sheep?
Princess Natalie: [excited] Oh I love sheep. They’re so cute and white and fluffy!
Farmer Giles’ Wife: [not impressed] Ar. Well, I need someone t’ watch Farmer Giles’ sheep t’ make sure they doesn’t get et. I be Farmer Giles’ wife and I got no time to spare on ‘em. Can ‘e do it?
Princess Natalie: Oh yes! That would be perfect! [Aside] After all, how hard can it be to watch sheep?
Narrator: Farmer Giles’ wife told Natalie where she could find the sheep and agreed that Natalie could live in a spare room at the farm. However, Natalie soon found that sheep were not very interesting.
Princess Natalie: [to a sheep] Here, did you watch Eastenders last night? Honestly, what was she thinking?!
Sheep: Baa.
Narrator: Her only consolation was at the weekend when she could clean herself up, put on her beautiful clothes and jewels, and pretend she was back at her father’s castle.
One day, while she was imagining herself at home, the prince of the kingdom was hunting nearby.
Prince Matthew: Talley ho! View Halloo! Marvellous day for a hunt, what?
Narrator: As he was passing the farm house, he saw Princess Natalie through the window. She was wearing a beautiful satin dress the colour of the summer sky and Prince Matthew thought he had never seen anyone more beautiful.
Prince Matthew: I have never seen anyone more beautiful in my life! I must find out who she is.
Narrator: So he went and knocked on the farmhouse door.
Farmer Giles’ Wife: Ar?
Prince Matthew: Who is that beautiful woman in the other room? I think I’m in love with her.
Farmer Giles’ Wife: [laughs] Bootiful? Our dirty little shepherdess bootiful? I think ‘e be touched in t’ head, young man!
Scene 3: King Fred’s Castle
Narrator: Prince Matthew went home, very sad that he did not know who the beautiful woman was.
[Prince Matthew sighs.]
Narrator: He couldn’t stop thinking about her and soon became ill.
Prince Matthew: I’m dying of man-flu!
Narrator: You’re love-sick, you idiot!
Prince Matthew: [sarcastically] Well soooorry!
Narrator: His loving parents called in everyone they could think of to help him and they all had different suggestions of what should be done to help the prince.
Courtier 1: Get him to drink a glass of water upside down…
Courtier 2: That’s hiccoughs, you fool! Try rubbing the affected area with a doc leaf…
Courtier 3: What good will that do? He hasn’t been stung. How about running under cold water until the throbbing goes down?
Prince Matthew: Um, none of you actually has a clue, do you?
Narrator: But Matthew knew that the only thing that would cure him was a loaf of bread baked by his beloved.
Prince Matthew: You’re as bad as they are! Where on Earth did you get such a crackpot idea?
Narrator: [Defensively] Um – it’s in the script… I don’t know, I don’t write this rubbish!
Prince Matthew: [sighs] ok, the only thing that will cure me is a loaf of bread baked by the beautiful shepherdess I have fallen in love with.
Courtier 1: And he thought our ideas were stupid!
Courtier 2: Ungrateful, that’s what I call it!
Courtier 3: Oh stop whining you two! Let’s go down the pub. [They leave].
Scene 4: Farmer Giles’ Farm
Narrator: So orders went out from the palace that Natalie was to bake a loaf of bread for the poorly prince.
Princess Natalie: Medicinal bread, eh? I’ve never heard such rubbish! But orders are orders. Lucky I took that correspondence cookery course last summer!
Narrator: Before she started baking, Natalie cleaned herself up and put on one of her beautiful dresses and…
Princess Natalie: [interrupts] Here, hold on a minute! You expect me to bake bread wearing one of my posh frocks? Do you have any idea what a pain they are to clean?
Narrator: [ignores her] Ahem! She put on one of her beautiful dresses, let her hair down and put on her jewellery.
Princess Natalie: [grumbling] Clearly you’ve never cooked anything in your life. Dough and diamonds do not mix!
Narrator: Shut up! As she kneaded the dough, one of her rings slipped off her finger and into the bread mixture.
Princess Natalie: See? See? I told you so!
Narrator: [still trying to ignore her] But Natalie didn’t notice and carried on making the bread. Once it was baked, she sent it up to the palace for the prince.
Princess Natalie: [quietly] Won’t do him much good if he chokes on my ring!
Scene 5: King Fred’s Castle
Narrator: The loaf was taken to Prince Matthew, who set to eating it with gusto.
Prince Matthew: I’d prefer a bit of butter.
Narrator: Don’t you start! He was enjoying it so much that he almost swallowed the ring!
Prince Matthew: Yum yum! Hang about! – what’s this crunchy bit?... A ring!
Narrator: He declared he would only marry the girl whose finger fitted the ring.
Prince Matthew: No wonder people think I’m mad if you keep making me do daft things like that!
Narrator: [whines] Oh come on! It’s not me! It’s in the script.
Prince Matthew: Oh alright then. [Sighs]. I will only marry the girl whose finger fits this ring. [Aside] You do realise there could be hundreds of girls fitting that description!
Narrator: The word went out that the prince was going to marry whoever fitted the ring. All the ladies in the kingdom were very excited and rushed to try it on.
Lady 1: Me first! Me first!
Lady 2: Oi! I was here before you!
Courtier 1: Ladies! Ladies! One at a time please.
Narrator: Every eligible lady in the castle tried on the ring, but none of them could make it fit.
Prince Matthew: Phew! Could have been in trouble there!
Narrator: So the word went out throughout the kingdom that every eligible lady was to come to the palace and try on the ring.
Prince Matthew: [shocked] Are you crazy?!!!
Narrator: Natalie was among the women who came to try on the ring, still disguised as a shepherdess. Much to everyone’s surprise, the ring fitted perfectly.
King Fred: What am I going to do? I can’t let my son marry this scruffy little shepherdess.
Princess Natalie: Wait just a minute, your majesty!
Narrator: Natalie nipped off to the ladies to get changed into one of her beautiful dresses. She put on her jewellery and did her hair.
King Fred, Prince Matthew and courtiers: [singing] Why are we waiting?
Princess Natalie: Here I am! You see, Your Majesty? I’m not really a shepherdess, I’m Princess Natalie from the kingdom next door
King Fred and courtiers: Wow! She’s beautiful.
Prince Matthew: See? I told you so!
King Fred: Of course you can marry my son. We’ll have the ceremony right away!
Princess Natalie: Hang on a minute! I want to invite my family.
Narrator: Messengers were sent to Natalie’s father, inviting him to the wedding.
King Bob: I suppose I’d better go. Natalie is my daughter, even if she doesn’t love me as much as Jessica.
Narrator: It was a beautiful wedding and everyone had a wonderful time. At the feast afterwards, Natalie gave some special instructions to the cooks:
Princess Natalie: Don’t put any seasoning on my father’s food.
King Bob: Yuck, this food is really bland. Pass the salt and pepper someone!
Princess Natalie: Now do you see what I meant when I said I loved you like the seasoning on food?
King Bob: Oh. Now I feel a fool.
The End