Wapoteka

The concept is really fantastic, and I think you have a great story on your hands. My only suggestion would be to make the writing a bit more engaging. Perhaps you can turn some of your summaries into scenes. also, numbers should be spelled out "seven" instead of "7" Also try to give some fresher descriptions of people. Height can be so throwaway, like baseball card stats. Give us something unique to mark that person. I really like this on the whole and I'm giving you a favorable star rating. Please invite me back to take another look after your next round of revisions :)

I read your introduction and first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start to what appears to be an original story. A convincing main character. Good descriptions. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'I knew at age 7 that I was different.' Spell out all number 1 to 99.
2) Your first paragraph hooked me.
3) Capitalize 'internet.'
4) "Daniel has turned five and I think he is old enough to start exploring nature with me" he said. Comma after 'me.' There are many more cases of punctuation missing from the last sentence of dialogue.
5) "How did you see that coming Dad?" Comma after 'coming.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
6) ' ... without my parents knowledge.' Parents (plural) should be parents' (plural possessive).

I hope this critique helps you to polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Should "Savannah Passion" make it into the top five next month, I hope you will put it on your shelf for as long as possible.

Meanwhile, have a spectacular day.

Al

Dear Daniel, I really became immersed in your, enchanting story. My Father an I, both have a great interest in the Indian culture of America. And I was so glad to be able to grasp the meaning of your story. Such descriptive dialogue and real characters, that hold a certain recherche. I am not much of a critic, but I am an avid reader. Yet as I yielded to your captivating script, I couldn't stop until chapter 14, [ I've kept 15, for when I need a good read ]. I love to leave everything on the edge. Your book can't escape the emotion you expressed, when trying to envelop the reader. Good luck for the future. Take care, Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Pamela,
I am playing a bit with "double meanings/combinations". We usually talk about a nature reserve and an Indian Reservation. I have tried to combine the two and play with a double meaning by using Indian Reserve. With this, I am trying to imply the closeness to nature that exists within the Wapoteka tribe.
I don't know if everyone picks up on that and if it is even effective!
Flying Tortoise.

Pamela,
I am playing a bit with "double meanings/combinations". We usually talk about a nature reserve and an Indian Reservation. I have tried to combine the two and play with a double meaning by using Indian Reserve. With this, I am trying to imply the closeness to nature that exists within the Wapoteka tribe.
I don't know if everyone picks up on that and if it is even effective!
Flying Tortoise.

This in in fact a very good read indeed. I loved the way you wrote about the Wapotekas and their traditions, which is character rich. It is a fascinating and unique story line and it flows well. The narrative well written and concise. The dialogue believable. You have created a complex character with your MC. I love this story very much. I will back your book soon as I can rotate the books on my bookshelf.
Please ignore this last suggestion if you want to but I thought the Indians lived in Reservations, not Reserves. Any way that's my view, but apart from that I cannot see anything at all wrong with this manuscript. Gook luck with the publication.
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

When describing you father, try to change the structure. Starting every sentence with ‘He had…’ sounds a bit like ‘a list of ingredients for a cake’.
You use ‘turned five’ twice close together- suggest changing first one to ‘Just after my fifth birthday, I overheard…’
Watching an eagle take a fish is a great sight.
‘My Dad…’ - s/b ‘My dad…’ ‘My Mom’ – ‘My Mom.’ - you have ‘my father’ which is correct. instead of ‘my dad’ you could use ‘Dad’.

Okay so I like his name- Tony’. The ‘spirit’ wolves and eagle protecting him was good ad the mention of a curse.

This is an engaging story, has good descriptions and a good pace. Minor nits do not detract from the interesting plot. I will back with pleasure.

Tony
Life Bringer

Tyler,

I have reconsidered. I have gone through all the books on my bookshelf and compared them with Almost Straight and your book deserve a place on my bookshelf. So I have it on my bookshelf. Best of luck, and thanks again for your advice.
Flying Tortoise.

Daniel,

Glad to see your work here. I'm really impressed with the changes you've made from the manuscript you sent to me earlier. I really like the flow of the opening chapter. It sets up the rest of the story well, drawing the reader forward.

Best wishes fro your success.

tyler (almost straight)
PS: If you get a chance, please rate Almost Straight, and back it if you think it worthy.

Good, solid voice. Realistic dialogue and the narration has the right flow...though, I would like some more "showing."
I'm backing it and give you all stars.
Good luck in landing an agent.
Dan
PS. Could you please check mine?

A very interesting and intriguing start, I was pulled right into the plot which got more exciting the more I read. I love the way the reader is taken initially through the everyday life of this young boy. Growing up and enjoying nature, and the beautiful relationship he develops with his father,. and then you are slowly drawn into the mysterious experiences he has. I love the Wapoteka Tribe and their ancestral, spiritual customs and could really relate to the dual heritage aspect and the yearning for connection with both cultures. Really enjoyed what I read. Great stuff.
Rachael
Dreamscape

Enjoyed the read and happy to support. Caught by your pitch being similar to my profile. :)

Thanks, JupiterGirl,
I think I will take you up on getting rid of the introduction.
I am placing Twins on my list to read.
Flying Turtle

A thought-provoking read! I've been trying to place your book on my shelf but the system is not cooperating. Rest assured I'll place it there when the site lets me. I've rated you well though! Now back to the book. Great opening and it would certainly temp the reader to turn the page. You've written in a matter-of-fact tone/tense which lures and persuades us to believe. I'd shorten the 'disclaimer' up front. Or maybe even do away with it in my opinion. Other than I'm eager to see what occurs next. Shelved. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Wapoteka
It's very interesting, the writing is good
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character. I also like your use of the first person narrative voice as this allows you to convey his thoughts and feelings. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

So, you mean that "contrary to popular belief (not 'believe') in other countries, there were no lions roaming the street" in South Africa? I love the start of this: "It started innocently enough. I would see these halos around the children at school." Obviously, they'd take on the shape of animals. Then wild animals in the streets. I even like the way you layer this that the father would get extremely upset about it (of course, he looked like a Native American and was connected with nature - and the CIA to boot). No doubt, Dad is a member of the Wapoteka tribe and that heritage coming into the fore in Daniel's life (with his wolves and eagles).

I'm enjoying this so far. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text. I'm going to read more once I get a little time. I like the way you have blended together some intriguing elements. Backed for now.

A thought provoking short pitch which captured my interest instantly. Should the word be feeling instead of feel in the second sentence of the short pitch? Would your introduction be better combined with the short pitch? Your book was enjoyable & sensitvely written. The adoration of father/son was apparent & the relationships between the characters was believable & worked well. Your book should do well & I fell with stand out from the crowd. Wishing you every success - Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my valley?)

Nice pitch that appeals. Excellent theme and plot.

On my shelf

the mind setter

Daniel,
Wapoteka has a very believable storyline. Many times it seemed like I was reading a true account. I was drawn to the prose because it seemed like a true story. Daniel DeWitt-Wateka reminded me of Rose DeWitt Bukater in Titanic, the protagonist of my novelization. She certainly was not from the Wapoteka tribe. Daniel's experiences at Christschool are intriguing and I felt compelled to read about them. Backed with pleasure.

This book deals with a wide range of issues from a father/son relationship to a boy's early homosexual experiences and his increasing spritual awakening. It will find a wide audience from those who believe that we would be more developed if we would relate more to the natural world.
There are a few glitches which need correcting "popular believe/belief", "keen six/sixth sense", "It was suppose/d to be"
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Hello Daniel,

An inspiring and interesting read - I love the way the first chapter leads me gently in and I love your Dad's calm words to just observe and be alert. Backed with pleasure.

Best Wishes to you
Paul Barr
All In One Week
Cross My Path

Dear Daniel, I love that your have related accepting Jesus in a way that the American Indian can relate & understand. :) My twin brother is married to a woman who was raised on an Indian reservation in the State of Washington & you are correct :) It's hard to convery the gospel message & they've been married over 50 years. :) Thank you for taking the time to take the gospel to them. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take just a moment to back my memoires book? Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - copy to follow shortly thereafter :)