The Enchantless Tale of Lizzy Cropwell

great premise. unique subject. enjoyable read.
j
what every woman should know

First off, the premise is wonderful. It sounds interesting and original. The first chapter was also good, it pulled me right into the type of story you're trying to tell. The parts about paperwork and references and surveys are hilarious to anyone who has ever worked in a corporate environment. I'm also a huge fan of Pratchett, so I like what you're doing with the footnotes.

You lost me at the beginning of the second chapter. Compared to the first chapter, the writing is flat and, to be honest, kind of hard to get through. I understand that it's a style, and everyone has a different style, but I'm not sure what happened between the first chapter and the second, the difference is that huge. I would definitely go through the whole chapter with a big red pen and start trimming words.

One other big thing that I would like to point out is this:

- 'ELIZABETH CROPWELL!!!!' One exclamation point is always enough, especially when the dialogue is in all caps as well, four is overkill.

Hi James. This is an inspired take on the traditional fairy tale and I loved the PC slant. Clever and funny. On my WL to read more and in the meantime I have starred you and will put you on my bookshelf as soon as I can magic a space.
Kat x Hens from Hell

Hi James,

This is a post-modern fairy tale and it sure serves to bring back the reading hordes to the desk.
Lizzy's tale is definitely enchanting and I fail to write something critical about it. The narrative is tight and the imagery which is so very necessary in such genre is spot on.
I have showered stars over it and placed it on my WL, but that's just for now. Soon it shall be on my shelf once I sort out the queue outside my door.

All the best and hope to see it on real bookshelves.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

James,

Clearing out my watch list, I discovered that The Enchantless Tale of Lizzy Cropwell had been waiting far too long for a read. I was very pleased to find it a comic tale out at the Terry Pratchett/Jasper Fforde end of fantasy. The idea of a fairy-tale world that has gone all bureaucratic and regulated is pretty hilarious, and we already know there's a market for school-of-magic tales. And it says something that the girl who aspires to a real happily-ever-after is flunking out of artificial happily-ever-after school. I'm really hoping that in her quest to complete her "senior project" and graduate, she becomes the true hero of her own story -- maybe she doesn't need a rescuer!

The dragon-rescue as spectator sport is a funny idea, even before it goes horribly off the rails, and then it's just darkly hilarious. I'm a little uncomfortable that the female in the scenario has to be a helpless victim, but maybe that's the point. Lizzy, I hope, will be much more than that.

In the five chapters I read, I noted only a handful of edits for correction, so good job on the proofreading! Here's what I saw:

Ch 5 (your chapter 4)

The crowed should be "The crowd"

. . . it turned its attention back to the already prepared feast in front of him. Keep the dragon's pronouns consistent: either "it" or "him" but not both.

aluminium. No. Regardless of how you Brits pronounce the word, it is spelled aluminum. (And, I maintain, pronounced "aluminum.")

A fresh and funny take on some of our oldest stories -- nice work! Good luck with this.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

I am not capacitated to comment non-fiction materials, but chapter 3 (actually, chpter2) brings out well what goes around in the word with some unfortunate members of our societies being victimized, as is the case of Lizzy by her school/teachers.

The world has presented enough cases about the all-times-in-lime-light people, the likes of Barack Obama, J F Kennedy, Nelson Mandela, Bill Chilton, Margaret Thatcher, name them. So, your presentation, “Lizzy was not the brightest student in the world; nor was the most committed. After three years she has shown no signs of progressing to the qualification of Fair Median (the lowest level of respectable graduation) …” – makes me as reader curious to want to know more of how, the seemingly the failure becomes Hero/Heroine. So, I find that your story grips the interest of the reader right away at the beginning.

“As it turned out, the task set for the girls was to correctly kiss a specially selected bread of magical frog, … Whilst some were keen on the idea of confidently turning one of these slimy amphibians into a tall, dark, and handsome human (preferably with lots of money), others were not so sure. …” - your story has reminded me of the late Luck Dube’s song, “Kiss No Frog”, which is still chatting.

Your story’s fog transformation into prince or whatever is bewildering, puzzling, incomprehensible, perplexing, baffling and mystifying.

Excellent.

From the Pitch:

“In this world, the classic tales of daring deeds and romantic bliss are exploited by the 'Academy of Happy Ever After' – a parentally funded institution in which students work and train to become the next generation of dashing heroes and fair maidens, complete with certificates and credentials for a readymade happy ever after.” - Fantastic! Sure, wonderful if for real, such school exists? It is always thought that Kings are born kings. Good if everyone can also be taught to become a king.

The story telling style of your tale really works. I read through some chapters and was bemused by the humorous understatements. I believe girls will desire to be Lizzy although she might be painted in your story as someone unable to acomplish a school grade she is still a very smart girl. I like your story as well as the way you chose to write it. Fully rated.

Good luck
Thanks
Daniela (please read Water Goblin)

That is all I can say. One feels like they"re on a roller-coaster, not wanting to stop. I see in it comedy at it's best. PLEEEZ write another book SOON. Be sure that if it is anything like or better than this book, I'll be sure to back it!
It has a universal appeal to anyone, in whatever country or culture. Maandishi yako yavutia. Nakutakia kila la heri!

Colu

This is a really clever book! I honestly think that girls of all ages will be interested in reading it since it touches that very primal feeling most of us have: find a handsome prince, get saved, and live happily ever after. Plus, you have a lot of adult references throughout which is quite amusing.

The frog transformation scene was brilliant. Overall, you have great comic timing and a refreshing way of storytelling.

Backed with pleasure.

Jaen Wirefly,
Glimmers

Fantasy is not something I usually get into but your pitch drew me in.
I read the opening and first chapter, and liked it enough to back it.
Good job and good luck with placing it.
Dan

James, I have placed your book on my watch list with interest and will give you a fuller comment when I've looked at it properly. Would you do the same for me: Heavens Children - really interested in the voice of the character and that it connects.

Many Thanks
Deborah

James
I can see you've written this story for your sister with love and attention. It's great fun and i liked the twist on the usual princess school stories. The humour reminded me of the Disney film "Enchanted". There was so much i loved: the frog kissing assignment and your attention to detail, for example the Fair Maiden qualification. I think your challenge is to make the story more child focused for the readership. I would say that publishers would look to market this book at 9 - 12 year olds not YA. Either way, you need to think about the reader's stage of life. For example, I'd leave out references to mortgages (ch1), tax evasion (ch 2) and "successful men" - girls fancy boys not men. Just a couple of other little things - would a teacher at this school have a pulsating wart on their nose? Also, In your opening, when the prince kisses the princess passionately i thought he would he might have given her "true loves first kiss".
I've said a lot but only because i like your story so much. BACKED.
Wishing you a happy ever after.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

James
I can see you've written this story for your sister with love and attention. It's great fun and i liked the twist on the usual princess school stories. The humour reminded me of the Disney film "Enchanted". There was so much i loved: the frog kissing assignment and your attention to detail, for example the Fair Maiden qualification. I think your challenge is to make the story more child focused for the readership. I would say that publishers would look to market this book at 9 - 12 year olds not YA. Either way, you need to think about the reader's stage of life. For example, I'd leave out references to mortgages (ch1), tax evasion (ch 2) and "successful men" - girls fancy boys not men. Just a couple of other little things - would a teacher at this school have a pulsating wart on their nose? Also, In your opening, when the prince kisses the princess passionately i thought he would he might have given her "true loves first kiss".
I've said a lot but only because i like your story so much. BACKED.
Wishing you a happy ever after.
Kim
St Viper's School for Super Villains

The Enchantless Tale of Lizzy Cropwell: Original and entertaining read and one which comes highly recommended to others on this site. The idea of an application form made me laugh as well as a two references and proof of status. As for the albino hippies, I had to be scraped up off the floor. The policies and procedures of the Kingdom or Roc are overwhelming and I sincerely hope there is a loop-hole our heroine can find. Elizabeth Marianne Cropwell, a student at the Academy of Happy Ever After, is a daydreaming beauty we all want to root for. Because you see, I think she’s got a point. There is more to life than paperwork. This is a brilliant book. The teachers’ names, the dialogue and the prose are beyond compare. I am dying to know what Lizzy’s future brings. It’s riveting! High stars and on w/l. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Hi James

I have read 4 chapters so far and I am loving it. Love the tone, style and pace of the book. You end up feeling sorry for Lizzy but at the same time can't wait to find out what she does next. There is one problem, however, I find the notations and footnotes to be very annoying. It detracts me from the story as I keep having to break my concentration to get the relative info. It would be far better to include this info within the story. Apart from that I love this story.

regards

JD

Here's a bump for backing Dark Dreams in the past, James. Good luck.

The strongest element of this I think is the voice you have employed. As others have noted, it's the tone, part tongue-in-cheek, part story-teller, that draws the reader in straightaway. Another strength is your concept, which is original and piqued my interest from the pitch. An entertaining and easy read, in that it flowed right along and I was into chapter 5 with ease. Strong characterization with Lizzie--she was sympathetic and believable from the start. And I always love a YA entry that gives credit to youth, that assumes perhaps they have broad vocabularies and interests that range beyond high school dating and pop stars. Really enjoyed this.

---Mary

Loved the tone of this from the very start - terrific to tie in magical quests and fantasy tales with the tedium of health and safety legislation! How very British. Excellent scope for satire and laughs, hearty enjoyment.

P

James,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

First I apologize the the swap read took so long. Sometimes life gets in the way.

This is a hugely original concept.

Using the post modern device of treating a fairly tale as a container.....

....which then the writer uses......to muck... the fairly tail

....does transpiercing the devices that are typical of the genre

....all followed by characters that use another post modern device...

....that being throwing opinions confetti like....

....the I do this...I do that....I think this...I think that...

.....we associate with writers like F Wallace/Eggers/Safran

The result...

......a delightful and hugely original piece

David

What a wonderful, wonderful thing to do as a wedding present! That's a beautiful thing to do. And this is very well written, amusing and enjoyable. I could see it in a bookshop, competing with the other humorous YA novels that are usually less imaginative and well-written than this. Your sister is very lucky!

(Read 3 chapters)
The Enchantless Tale of Lizzy Cropwell is a very imaginative YA novel. I love Lizzy--faults, quirks, and all. This story is fantastic and is sure to be a hit among its targeted audience.

Read the first few chapters- really made me laugh! You've got a quirky narrative style and a wacky plot, playing on all the fairytale stereotypes. Love it!

All the best

Sam241

I found this easy to read, and full of personality. So much fun.
Six stars.

Bec (Find Mark).

What a fun story! It reminds me of Ella Enchanted. The twisted fairy tale fun! I am not sure who your target audience would be. Upon first look, one might think 9-12 but I would say 12-15 in view of the language.
I love your idea for footnotes at the bottom of each chapter, but I would caution against excess use. Some of them are a little too casual, I feel. Funny is good but obvious ceases to mean anything.
Backed for now!
J.
"The Champion"

Loved this!!

How can you go wrong when we have fairytales with policitcal correctness, albino Hippies were a great idea.

I assume your target audience is age 9-12 which i think fits nicely with the dialogue you use. It flows well and keeps you interested throughout.

In chpt 2 you use ' ' for Nowhereland and Mrs Sneark, not needed.

I loved the rent-a-wolf.ogre - the ogre is a nice touch.

Near the end chp 23 I think there are a few spelling mistakes such as 'the council wanted use all resources should that be 'the council wanted TO use and a little further on you say to get HER in time, should that be get to get here in time.

I think that it is a great story, full of humour, backed!!!

Red

Interesting concept. A bit of a slow start but the build up is nice.

Jewels Diva

Life and Death Adventures in London

PS- Love the book cover too- where did you get that from? Or are you just a good artist as well as writer?
Janet

Hi there
I love this- it was my favourite read since returning to Authonomy a few weeks ago. Your writing is well paced and chatty which I am sure will appeal to teenage girls (I have one of my own). Many of the scenes seem to be screaming out 'make me into a film' like the one where the knight falls out of the tower after waking 'sleeping beauty' Lizzy.
Lizzy is a likeable charater and you quickly find yourself rooting for her. It is a brilliant take on the misfit makes good tale. Did I say I love it?
I think I might hate you!
I want to write like this.
Six stars and a backing heading your way.
Very best wishes
Janet

This made me laugh out loud. It is just such a marvelous take on life...what a fairytale.
Sue

Chapter 1 - you've got me hooked, buddy. As a former human resources executive (now retired) I've had political correctness up my ___. This can't be a more perfect subject for those of us who had to live the lie every day. I look forward to reading your story.

For the record, if you have a chance to look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, please take the time to let me know your first impression.

Thanks and good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

I got a real kick out of this. Nothing like a fairytale comedy to liven your day. I'm sure there's a lot of people who agree. All the best on this tale.

I've just come back to read more of this and simply had to mention (again) how much I love this book.

The Enchantless Tale of Lizzy Cropwell - A fun read, which I think will appeal to a wider audience than younger readers. Any side-swipes at the lunacy of maniacal regulations that seem to be increasingly puncturing society are most welcome. Apart from that there is a lot to like here. Lovely Lizzy, who can't see the point in manufactured situations and spends her time day-dreaming about something, she is sure, is much better. Her mishap with the frog, which brings her into conflict with the board of the academy is very amusing as is the passage about Tina, the fair maiden waiting to be rescued by her 'prince charming', who ends up as the dragon's lunch. (Someone will be in serious trouble with Health and Safety).

Nanty- Chrys!

Love this. It's so much fun! I am 6 starring, keeping it on my WL, and will back it in a few days. I have three slots I rotate and like to keep people on my shelf for at least three days. Love: The voice. Okay. So I take notes on the first two chapters while I read. If I have issues, they tend to be the same ones cropping up throughout. Choose to ignore my suggestions/nitpicks(nits). Or use them. Grain of salt. Or a shot of tequila. Whatever you prefer. Over the head and down the hatch...

Here it goes:

Love: The twist, becoming an official 'damsel in distress' with documents to prove it.

Nit: Tense shift: Even now she is lost in lost. I'd just stick with the past through out. Sorry, but thems are the rules. I didn't make 'em; I just enforce 'em. Note: Even though you say now, you can still use was!

Nit: Instead of saying Lizzy looked puzzled, try: Lizzy's face twisted in confusion. She turned her (etc) I always try and avoid using words like looked, felt, saw, appeared, heard, began...

LOVE: The Princess and her Frog Prince. Check out my blog and you'll know why. http://thefrogandaprincess.blogspot.com I wasn't kidding when I said I was a self-proclaimed princess. Bet you thought I was making that up! : )

HAHAHA. Making girls kiss frogs.

Nit: change to>> He had long blond hair and perfectly symmetrical features.

Nit: Well done (comma needed) Emily.

HAHAHA: Lizzy's frog liked it. HAHAHAHA

chap 2

nit: At the center sat the dean himself (instead of was).

nit: Comb your MS for how many times you use "as he" "as the" "as she" etc. Rephrase where you can.

nit: According to these reports (comma needed) he said, "you are failing (you have falling)

All in all, great job!

A delightful story, which I imagine the target readership (as well as one or two unintended targets) will love. The modernist slant is a joyand the characters engaging. I also like the fairy internet - how nice to see that Nigerian scammers are alive and well in fairy tale land. And I did feel sorry for the toad/frog and will be glad to see Emily get her come-uppance. The footnotes were entertaining and despite the preposterous premise you really want Lizzie to beat the system and end up happy ever after on her own terms. I did wonder if you needed the opening preamble about Health and Safety and so on and could have instead left us to work out what has happened to the traditional story line as we went along. But in view of the many pleasures within this tale I am more than happy to back once a spot on the shelf becomes available. All the best Jaye

A very original and entertaining children's fantasy. Contains some amusing ideas.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

If I had kids, I'd definitely buy this book for them, or read it to them when they are little. :)
It's simple English, which is better than some language some fairytales are written in. I like your story teller voice. Would probably sounds amazin as an audio book too,

I believe Lizzy is destined not to be a princess, just because she wants to be called Lizzy. Princesses have names like Elizabeth. But then again there's been a Princess Sissi, so I'll shut up. :)

I like her character a lot though, and I'm curious about who her prince will be and if she manages to find one in time. (have only read up to chapter 5 so far.)

I'm backing this book as it is great fun to read, good luck with it!
Take care and a happy new year to you! :)
Bianca

Interesting opening, different, made me read on. Need to read more, not what I expected and enjoyed so far, nice writing. Plain simple english which some writers forget about in their earnest chase of higher reward. A good yarn is the best book and this one starts and promises that. On bookshelf and 6 star rated

Elegant writing, humorous, brilliant, modern. I have read three chapters and I will happily back this anon.
Six stars for you, M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Fantastic writing,sublime humor, I loved it!!!

Very entertaining. Wish I had more time to sit at the computer and finish this. Backed and rated


Adina

I like the concept - training for a fairy-tell ending, with the accompanying beaurocracy - and the accident with the frog (I do hope he gets turned back). I think this definitely has a chance, with some tightening of the narrative, and perhaps some more use of dialogue. Backed.

So I just read the first chapter and truth be told, this story is gonna make my day. Your writng style is unique and quirky and I love anything having to do with fairy tales. I can't wait to read more!!!

I have been reading a lot of heavy historical fiction lately. Your book and injected some fun and humor amongst all the seriousness.
Nicely done,
Sharon Van Orman

Hilarious and very enjoyable! Well done!

I'll shelve asap!

Please check out Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls when you have the time.

Best of luck to you, Claire

Hilarious and very enjoyable! Well done!

I'll shelve asap!

Please check out Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls when you have the time.

Best of luck to you, Claire

This is a humourous, a fun novel suited to somewhat sophisticated 11 years. I thought it unusual and good enough for one of the nowadays rare shelf places. Well done Lara
GOOD FOR HIM

Okay, (bows gallantly) I have to acknowledge a master at work. The irony is exquisite and I found it hard to interrupt my voracious reading of it, to tell you my thoughts. How you entered the head of a teenage girl, I won't ask, although having been one once I say it is very well done. Perhaps more giggling? I can't believe you killed a damsel off in chapter 5! Distress, with limbs and blood flying, I think she was a damsel dismembered! LOL

This is very good, I will continue to read it- can't not; and I will comment again when I have finished.

I did notice an error in chapter four, very minor just a missing word, when you got carried away with the dialogue between the queen Bee Emily (I noticed that!!! LOL) and Lizzie. But hey, what would an editor do without the little things. I like the notation to add to the humour and wit.

Very, very well done, and soon to be on my shelf, forever. I will buy this, definitely and give it as a present, a lesson (I am a teacher) to all my girl relatives and students.
I am sprinkling stardust now and will shelve later.

Millie C

Hilarious! Pure enjoyment and entertainment. Natural, humorous voice draws readers in. What a refreshing twist from typical fairyland!
There were so many funny instances, I cannot write them all down.
Mrs. Sneark...the name itself cracks me up.
"...gazing at the glistening greenish water..." great use of alliteration.
The Enchanteless is one of a kind!