The Shattered Mirror

Hi Nick,
hoping for a return read if possible. No pressure.

I love anything even slightly Dickensian in feel, so I was looking forward to this.
A brilliant title and I like the short pitch even though it is more descriptive than intriguing.
The long pitch doesn't quite do it for me, it's a lovely extract but you need something more enticing. You need to flirt a little more with your readers, make it impossible for them not to hit the "read this book" button! We want to be whisked off our feet!

I read chps 1-3 and felt that there was a lovely gritty atmosphere with some fabulous writing e.g. "A spyhole at the level of the man’s throat" is fantastically visceral. The dialogue between Outiz and the porter behind the door is beautiful. It feels authentic and the character of each comes through wonderfully in the exchange. Truly excellent.

But a few things snagged a little (feel free to ignore, I'm not an expert).

1) Your first two sentences feel a bit too "di dum di dum di dum" in rhythm, which felt repetitive. And you have a half-rhyme in "walls" and "orbs" at the end of each sentence which leapt out and was a little distracting. Not sure whether you did this on purpose.

2) In dialogue you often spell out you as "yer" which doesn't quite portray the cockney sound correctly and slows down the pace. Might be better with e.g. "Oh y’do do ya?" and "Put y'face..." rather than "Oh yer do, d' yer" and "Put yer face..." a small point, but again I found it distracting and it slowed the speech down whereas I felt it was meant to be more throwaway in style.
Also when the same woman is speaking just a few lines later you spell out all her yous. It felt a little inconsistent. I know not all her 'you' words would be "yer" or "y" but you need to mix it up both at the beginning and at the end. It felt like someone else had started speaking. Again a tiny point.

3) Too many fogs/smogs in chp 1, count them and see! We get the idea that it's foggy pretty early on, you don't need to keep telling us. It's like you don't trust us!

4) Chp 3 – too many pointers that she is a prostitute, it feels a little heavy-handed. You have her perfume, her red lips, her asking for a drink and her heavily rouged cheeks all in one paragraph! Again, trust us! Also I thought her speech might be better represented as “No need f’you t’drink alone, if y’don’t wanna, is there?"

Loved, “Damn well leave me alone while you drink it”

Hope that's helpful and not overly critical. There's some wonderful stuff here.
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hi Nick,
I'm up to Chapter 4 and really enjoying this read. There's so much I don't know but I want to find out. You even have two pet hates of mine - dialect and lots of rhetorical questions - yet I don't seem to care! This comes across as very stylish and lots of fun. Something new for my shelf I think!
Best,
Kate
The Licenser

Hi Nick, just had a spin through your chapters here [apart from the one that is out for editing] and here are my thoughts. Your setting is excellently dark and atmospheric, the characters of Bliss and Outiz intrigiungly ambiguous, and there is a present day thread of which you only give us a tantalising glimpse but which I needed more doses of, in order to keep it fresh in my brain. There is a smack of Joyce here, things not quite said, or said twice in different ways, that I found refreshingly different. But [and this may be just me], the most interesting character, Phoebe, hardly gets a look in after her introductory moment. I found myself irritated at the chaps taking up all the space when her story has so much I wanted to know more of. And I fail to understand why Bliss, having struck the bargain with Katie, and owning Phoebe for some purpose other than sex, presumably for a few years? then gives her away twice in whimsical fashion.
I noticed a few odd things that distracted me from total immersion:
This is going wrong - the rest of the scene is past tense so, this was going wrong?
An old racehorse decorated the wall [in the pub] for me aroused two images, neither, I suspect, what you intended - a clapped out racehorse in overalls painting emulsion on the wall, or the stuffed head of a startled- looking horse looming over them like a hunting trophy
The penultimate sentence in the same chapter doesn't have the punch it should - Leather Apron's eyes and John Pizer's eyes - too many eyes and too many directions looks are coming from, if you get my drift.
'It's a deal' sounds too modern to me.
Apart from that, and the chapters being so short one can hardly get a bite at them, no quibbles. Hope this is helpful - Frances, of the adverb thread.

Super Harsh Critique Service - Remember, this review is more unforgiving than a Spanish Inquisitor at a Pagan festival.

..........!!?? Yes, that's right. Speechless.

I am so embarrassed right now. What just happened? I'm already on the 4th page of your book and actually want to keep reading. The voice is terrific, the humour sharp, descriptions evocative. I have no idea what just happened. I'm equally interested in the snippets from the flashbacks as well as the present. I have a mystery unfolding and want to know more about it.

'Damn well leave me alone while you drink it'. Hahaha. God. I think that's what all the women who buy me drinks say. I feel the whore's pain.

The only error I found is on page 1. It wasn't enough to stop me or diminish my appreciation of this work. 'Just as it a certain', I believe you mean 'Just as it IS a certain...' I can let this one slide due to the overall quality. It's not even Christmas.

Anyhow, enough of the review damn it. I want to read more. This may actually be the first book on here where I read the entire submission. Thank God it's only 15,000 words. I'm busy for pete's sake.

Anyhow. 6 stars. However, please note these are HARSH stars. I hope you get no satisfaction out of them. In addition, I will shelve this book as it must be in the top 5, if not the top 1 of what I have read so far.

I must be in a really good mood today, I can't explain it...

Paul.

There is certainly much intrigue in 2 and the scene and time we well set up. I did not discover th reason for the device of 1 but, given the quality of your writing, I am sure I would find it as I read on. I was reminded of 1984, despite this book being in another age. I would certainly read on if I had the book in my hands. Lara
A RELATIVE LOSS

I remember reading and enjoying this about three years ago, Nick, and it certainly doesn't disappoint second time around. On my shelf.

The prose is clean and unflashy but full of wonderfully evocative phrasing. There's an immediate, almost filmic quality to the writing which works really well to engage the reader and involve them in the narrative. The dialogue rings true and helps flesh out the various characters as well as adding energy to the scenes. Effective sense of a dark and mysterious, multi-layered story taking shape. The structure of the chapters works well, drip feeding information and character detail as well as ratcheting up the sense of menace and intrigue. Fantastic stuff.


Observations:

Prologue:

'in point of fact' - having this at the end of sentence made me stumble slightly

'Just as it [is] a certain...'

'adjust' followed by 'just' jars a little

I like the idea and structure of the prologue but it does feel a little 'undercooked'. I think there may be room to expand it a little so the reader gets a fuller picture of Bliss, his role in life/the novel, the price he may demand for granting wishes etc??


Chapter 1:

Simple but evocative phrasing (eg 'blackened brick walls, 'blurry yellow orbs') really paints a picture for reader of the capital

'damn the smog burning HIS throat...' - why not 'MY"?? isn't this Outiz's internal monologue??

I love the directness of the phrasing (eg 'Hog's path. Straight to the end... An oak door') There's a filmic quality to the prose which really involves the reader.

'An old woman's voice' - I think this needs to be incorporated into the para where she first speaks. This is something that would have struck Outiz instantly (or, alternatively, make it clear to reader that he couldn't initially discern age/sex??)

I have no idea if 'cowboys' were called 'cowboys' in C19th London but it does feel like a very modern phrase? Maybe 'Texas stockmen' or something similarly oblique??

Love the woman's voice!

'This is going wrong' - feels modern??

'{G]entleman Jack??

I really like the exchange with the porter (and think the lack of dialogue tags works well} but I do think it needs one or two more 'action' inserts. At the moment it reads slightly like a 'script'??

Liked his Peacemaker calling cards. Fantastic last line.


Chapter 2:

'let her In everything..' - typo?

'stuff' - Whether or not this is of the period, it does feel quite modern

I'm halfway thru the scene and still unsure of the sex of the narrator. Even the ref to Wina (male? female?) hasn't helped.

Now I get it! Maybe suggest narrator's gender earlier on??

'more impregnable...etc' - these 'colourful' little inserts really help to flesh out the various characters/make them distinct. Cleverly done.

Some of the phrasing at the end of the chapter (eg. 'should have walked away', 'went along with it', 'took it seriously', 'depressing thought') feels a bit weak/modern?? Because most of the prose feels so original and of-the-period, these occasional lapses tend to jar??

Again, really good end to chapter. Dark and intriguing.

Terror has a reflection all its own, even when the mirror is shattered.

Hi Nick,

After having an invitation to post some work on the forum, for the group which you take part in, I read some of your comments and sneaked in to have a look at your work. Apart from the nit-picks which I've outlined below, the first chapter was an enjoyable read. I like period pieces and this seems to have enough twists and turns outlined in the synopsis to keep my over active mind enthralled.

Comments. Please use or disregard as you see fit
The first paragraph in chapter one could do with a tweak. It's not a word I'm particularly fond of, but one which everyone seems to understand. The content was excellent and enough to transport me back to the indicated time, but just by saying “he had seen” or “he heard” didn't make me feel more inside the character's pov. In fact it had the opposite effect and I was left outside watching him from a distance.

Rather than – He had seen rats, running along the blackened brick walls. - why not let me into his head and tell me, - Rats ran along the blackened brick walls and gas lamps hissed in blurry orbs. An accordion played somewhere, the sound dampened by the fog. Raucous voices sang along. (I quibble the use of unevenly, one because its an adjective and two raucous said it all by telling me they were probably drunk and bawdy.)

Just in case you're starting to go red around the gills, believe me at the moment it's the only part I'm going to critic. The rest reads really well. Well apart from the urgently clattering coach – (clattering was quite enough) and but nothing but the fog stirred within sight. Still haven't made up my mind if it would have been better as – Black and red brick loomed out of the fog, but nothing within sight stirred. Or a full stop after clattered and then just another sentence with – Nothing but fog stirred within sight. But still, it's your stress not mine.

Ooops nearly missed it! The are in the final sentence. Because of the tense you used, maybe were would have made for smoother reading.

Outiz really came into his own in the final part especially when he was thinking about his guns. I could sense his anger and frustration coming off the page and yes, wanted to read on, but it's getting past my bedtime so I've filed you on my bookshelf for further reading during the week.

Feel free to have a return pick at my work. Your comments would be very welcome.

Nick,

I'vce read your first 5 chapters (as authonomy counts them). I very much enjoyed two and three. I thought you were writing at your best there. The beginning of the prologue is slightly awkward with the repetition of wild sop close together and I thought the sentence speaking of Outiz' brow protruding was particularly awkward and I did have to stop and re-read it - and am still not entirely clear what it means to me.

However, I found the idea and use of the prologue had perhaps greatly improved the story. You certainly added a lot of genuine intrigue in me, as your reader, towards the plot and character of Outiz. This is then extended into the next two chapters and I did think that the references to Outiz' face and how ugly he was really grabbed me. It was then that I felt this novel was above a lot of other stuff on here. It reinforced both my interest in the plot and Outiz.

One nitpick to make in that chapter si that I suggest you tell us it is a woman's voice before you describe its qualities. I did have to re-read and alter the scene again when it was presented with the qualities first, i.e. hoarse. And your reference to the Hellfire Club - I'm not very knowledgeable on Gothic literature and its associated haunts in London, but for your knowledge there is a Hellfire Club in Dublin dating from that era on Killiney Hill.

So we've moved on from chapter three and I am very interested in everything that ios going on, but all of a sudden the pace seems to go double time. So much faster than before and I am genuinely lost as to what is going on and what has happened. I can't tell you what happened in chapters 4 and 5. All I know is there was something to do with a prostitute - some conversation about something I couldn't grasp, because I was trying to keep up. I hate re-reading so I generally just go on until I pick up on it all, but I just couldn't. The pace seemed to get faster and faster and I was lost. I really do think you need to spend a little more time in each location and make it a little clearer why Outiz has gone from there to here. I certainly had expected, due to the prologue, that there would be more references to location due to the strong mention of Whitechapel - yet you left little space for mentioning the surroundings.

I would have read on if I hadn't fallen behind so soon. It started excellently and seemed to run away from me.

I hope this has been of some use to you, Nick.

Joe

Nick
I read to chapter 6. I'm not sure if you need the first chapter, to me it seemed redundant. Good build up of tension in the first chapter. It captures the dark and moody Victorian London setting perfectly. I struggled to read the font in autho chap 3, probably just my poor eyesight or dodgy screen. Good luck with this, it feels like a good period romp.
Charlie

Hi Nick, I enjoyed these Dickensian characters in the magical and lurid atmosphere. Also, this story moves at a fascinating pace and kept turning through the first chapters at one sitting. Excellent dialogue and texture with the setting. It all made me want to read on to Phoebe and find out more about the girl mentioned in the letter. I can see that this will probably be suspensefully crafted. Shelved and starred - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Nick,
In The Shattered Mirror, you have a very mysterious style of writing. The spooky scenes with the shady characters you describe make me shudder. I love the historical setting in Victorian London and this has a colorful cast of characters I could never have imagined on my own. Let us begin then...leaves many unanswered questions to draw the reader into the narrative and creates a feeling of suspense from page one.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

a good yarn gov'ner, excuse my clumsy american attempt at saying i like this story, setting is nice, predictable that you would use the london fog i think, but you use it well, i read the first ten or so chapters, Outiz is a good character, obviously something is going to be revealed, something for Phoebe I think, this is the kind of thing though that brings readers along, mystery, i think this is strong enough to be backed and i eventually will, right now i will throw it on my watch list and star it, i just put a couple books on, i will give them some time up there, not too long though, i suspect you might wonder if you should keep the first chapter, the let us begin part, i am not sure, it gives it definitely the feel of a story teller telling a tale, and if you want that then keep it, if not go another way, it does let you introduce Outiz, the look of him, nicely though, i wish you well and wonder if you might give one of my pieces a look, i have a couple up, a commented on any of them would be helpful

I don't know where the random "Obviously I don't know" at the end came from, unless it was just the universe rendering its verdict on my review! :)

J

Hi Nick -

I've read up to chapter 6, not because I planned to, really, but just because I was enjoying it. I don't have any specific line change suggestions, as, mostly, I think it's very well written and flows nicely.

I do have one big criticism, though. I hate the fourth wall breaking where your narrator is directly addressing the audience, in chapter 1 and again in chapter 3. I may be biased, in that I began a book along similar lines once and then went off it so much that I abandonded the whole thing. I just don't think it works, and there is so much else to like here: characters, setting - it's all very much my cup of tea, so to speak - except for that one element, which I found grating and detracting from the story.

The other literary tricks you've played - different fonts, the line breaks for creating urgency during the bar 'fight' - I like. I'm all for a bit of rule breaking when it works and can make a book stand out.

I'm going to back this on the basis that I think I actually would buy this in hard copy - however I beg you to reconsider the fourth wall breaking aspects, as I think it does the rest a disservice.

Oh and I spotted some typos here and there, about three or four, I think. So it obviously needs an edit, but I assume you'll pick those up in the normal course of proofreading.

Well done.

J

Obviously, I don't know

I have read through the first four chapters so far and am entranced by your characterisation. The scene is very fitting for your story and the characters names more than suitable. Well done, only one error for now, in paragraph 5 ch 4 there is a double use of the word 'his'.
Not sure if you've ever read stories by G.W Dahlquist, 'Glass books of the Dream Eaters' and 'The Dark Volume', but his setting of scenes is quite similar to yours and may help you as you re-edit. Also I would recommend Scott Lynch 'Lies of Locke Lamora' and 'Red Sea's under Red Skies' all types of book similar to your genre and will help with your writing.
Hope that helps?!
Mae
'Ignited'

I just finished reading the first three chapters and overall it's pretty good. It's evident that this is a work in progress, but I like what I see. I can't really explain it, but I felt that you did a good job setting the atmosphere of the story. It kind of reminded me of The Mysterious Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde... the atmosphere at least. One error I did discover is that in chapter one you mention "Gentleman Jack" and forgot to capitalize gentleman.
I also learned something from this story, I never realized that Hellfire Clubs were real. I always thought it was solely something that Marvel Comics cooked up because it sounds cool. So thanks for that. I'm a little wiser for reading your story. Keep at it, I look forward to reading more.

Brad Group

HI NIck, Just having another read through for you now. I will comment in this message as I read through!! I hope my suggestions and comments are thought-provoking.

1st chapte, 2nd line. i would change to: A man of fierce aspect, wild eyes and hair beneath his hat.
Haha, fantastic description. I would leave out the bit: "observers would forget"
I like his name.
Very gripping ending to the first chapter!! Makes me want to read on....

2nd chapter, 3rd line: He stroce quicker, ...
What sort of gentleman are you??? This is FANTASTIC. Great dialog in this bit. Well done. :)
Haha, my characters always need a drink.... Reading on....

3rd chapter: Oh, I like it!! I used to go to a club called the Hellfire Club in Sydney, Australia!! Sounds the same..... :)

Um, I really like your work, and will rate you highly. I read through to the middle of the fourth chapter, but I have a friend arrived, and I must go to the gym. ergh. I wish you the best with your work!!!

Monicque. :)

Ok, I'm up to Chapter 9 - I don't think I enjoyed it as much as the previous one.

No, no, I didn't.

I think it may have something to do with the disjointed sentence structure, if I may call it that.

I found it distancing.

But at the same time I am getting a better sense of that old bugger,

Outiz.

Not exactly endearing is he!

But a good grim atmospheric feel; the menace in the air is palpable.

What a nasty old bunch of nasty old villains.

And what is poor Phoebe up to, eh?

(My daughter's dog is called Phoebe. See, with me you get biog too.)

I'll be back to find out what happens next.

(Is ch 10 still under revision?)

Oh, I almost forgot - there's a thing in para 9 (I think) "...fell of" instead of "... fell off".

The bed.

Might be a comma or too, I'll have to relook for it/them.

See, Nick, no capitals, LOL except for those.

Now I await retaliation with bated breath (what *is* that?).

Quaking in my boots.

Tonia
x

Oh Chapter 8 I loved it - so sad, so ... I don't know. It touched me.

Again, the change of font is irritating but I'm trying to live with it.

Ok I'm up to chapter six. Quite Dickensian in atmosphere. (That's a compliment.) I don't want to comment until I read quite a bit more, but see, the book has got me thus far. That's a lot more than I usually read here.

But, but, but, Nick, the change of font face is ANNOYING. I see why you are doing it but it's still annoying. And would be in a printed book too. I'll come back later for another rummage if I may.
xx
Tonia

Hi Nick
On my WL for now & will back as soon as I have fulfilled other obligations. I adore Victorian settings, though not too keen on vampires. But for you .... how can I resist!

Tonia
xx

Another story based in the Autumn of Queen Victoria's1888. Obviously you have based your character Outiz on Joseph Merrick sporting cowboy boots.

But I like this kind of caper and will def read on. Well done!

Hi Nick,
Very compelling piece. Very fast paced to keep the reader's attention and some nice details. I was a bit thrown off by the change in POV and time. A header or chapter title may make it easier for the reader to keep up with where you're taking them and prepare them for the shift.
Best of luck!
Emily

I crit the story, grammar and sentences. Everything else I leave to cruel editors. I like this indeed, its like being swarmed with all sorts of strangeness at once :)

This is a compelling piece! It reads fast and is clearly written.
This isn't the genre I usually read, but you held my attention with it anyway. Good job!
The only problem I saw was in the 3rd to last paragraph of chapter two when the POV seems to shift from 3rd to 1st. "The man kicked the door once more, as hard as he could... ... Would I like to leave a card?" This might be the way intended, but it seems abrupt and out of place IMO.
Other than that, crisp, clean and very well written. I've star rated and will maintain in my WL until a spot opens on my shelf.
Raechel
Echo

Hi Nick,
I read up to chapter 6 and need to run to work. Fortunately, I'm able to read there when things are slow. I am truly enjoying your work (my profile would indicate that this is right up my alley). I very much liked the porter. And this is the honesty you asked for. I love it so far. Nothing at all to crit. Well, there was the line when Outiz was thinking to him self and it changed from third to first person, which was written correctly, but it jarred me. So, that isn't even a crit. I look forward to getting back into this.
Sincerely,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Hi,Really very impressive work. i am very much impressed the way you narrated the story.
All the best.
backed with wishes,
S.Vinay kumar,
"10 roses for love"

Hello Nick, Have read the first two chapters. Very interesting writing and your description of London Town and its taverns draws the reader on. I am placing this on my Watchlist as I need to read further. Good luck with this.
I remember your previous story (which I backed many moons ago). Would you consider taking a look at my second story on this site - PAPER DREAMS?

Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

The Shattered Mirror, backed Feb. 1, 2011 at 10:20 PM

Nice writing. The author keeps leading us on, little by little, one paragraph to the next. Even one sentence to the next. How's Nick do that? But he does.

A nit: In Ch 4 your font size changes.

The Shattered Mirror ... on my WL now, based upon the first Ch.

Hello Nick.

I think you're a very good writer, you have a knack for creating natural hooks in your chapters that keep the reader interested, and you don't have a tendency to dawdle on unnecessary description, which is often a problem for me in both historical and fantasy. Sometimes you let go in what feel like literary flights of fancy and I can really feel you stretching out and enjoying playing with the language. Other times you are very gritty. I like both voices, but you may want to consider a little more consistency in style; it can be disorienting when it changes from chapter to chapter.

I think this is a story about a quest? Well, two quests, really. Outiz wants to free his fairy. I don't know why, yet, and I'm okay with that, though I think the revelation should come in the next couple chapters. I'm only willing to be strung along on a particular hook for so long. Phoebe wants to find her dad. I can understand that motivation clearly, she's got a shit mum and she hopes for something better.

Phoebe and Outiz are both great characters. I find myself rooting for them, and I'm afraid for them when they're in bad situations. I really want them to succeed. Bliss is more of a mystery to me, I'm not sure if he's a "good guy" or a "bad guy." He's definitely an enigma, though I'm a little afraid he's being cast as an all-powerful manipulator of mortals, here. Which is okay, as long as the mortals ultimately make their own destinies.

I love the short chapters. It's a style I'm fond of, the length suits the sort of reader I am.

Now the not so good. I'm having trouble with the cause and effect of the story. I'm pretty smart, I don't need every last thing spelled out for me, but I'm having a real hard time following the whys and wherefores here. Things seem to happen without any reason. Outiz shows up because he gets a letter, but then he has a pointless argument at the door and never shows the letter or tells them he's invited, goes away, comes back again, is hit on the head for no apparent reason and left to wander tied up around an opium den. Then he escapes with the help of Phoebe who is hanging around in this opium den for no apparent reason (and completely contrary to her character as it's shown earlier). Then there's a big underground maze that ultimately leads to Ebenezer, where Outiz and Ebenezer finally have the conversation they could have had a dozen chapters earlier. Why didn't they just have this conversation? (Is there some big complicated metaphor about rats and mazes going on here? That's my suspicion. If so, it's undermining the story.)

I've made more detailed notes, chapter by chapter:

1: The prologue does not sustain my interest and, if I had come across Shattered Mirror on my own rather than as a result of a conversation, I'd have closed it and moved on. Why didn't it sustain my interest? Don't know. Voice, maybe. Or style, or a preference by this reader to get to the story and, more importantly, characters.

"swagger like a cowboy's" -- don't picture boots swaggering, picture a man swaggering.

2: I would rather begin here. It immediately captures my interest, and I think the prior description of Outiz just weakens this chapter. I also like, in view of the later chapters, the rats in the opening paragraph. I see the motif forming.

3: This chapter I did not care for at all, and I would not miss it at all if it vanished entirely. It doesn't give me any relevant information and losing it would not impact my enjoyment of chapters 4-17, which makes me feel it's unnecessary.

The jump between third and first person voice puts me off, but more importantly, the narrator doesn't seem to have anything interesting to say. Going along with occult magic to get laid. Surprise, the magic works.

4: I liked this chapter, but I'm left with the nagging question: If Outiz had the letter all along, why not just present it at the door in the first place? I don't understand the motivation for not doing so.

stepped in out of the fog into... awkward to read. Maybe "stepped from the fog into a different kind of cloud."

5: I don't understand why they send him a letter, and then when he shows up, hit him for no apparent reason.

6: Drunken dialect is distracting, some places inconsistent. Also, I believe jigaboo may be anachronistic here. Might want to verify when (also where) it came into use.

7: This chapter is beautiful, I love the way you've captured the liquidity of the scene in the voice.

"how can be anything" -- missing "I" or deliberately alien?

8: Creepy. "The words resonated like the promise of Christmas" is a great line. I would suggest unitalicizing it, though, just leaving "Your heart's desire" emphasized. I'm a little afraid for Phoebe and what she's going to have to do. It feels like a deal with the devil.

9: I find this confusing. Outiz is in a dungeon, and tied, but not left secured by so much as a locked door. Then the dungeon turns into an opium den. And I don't know what Phoebe is doing here. The last time I had a physical place for her, it was leaving the bar in Whitechapel.

I thought 8 was a sort of flashback. If it wasn't, I'd like to see her mother actually approach Ebenezer and sell her. I feel like I need a little more continuity in the events. And I feel like I need to understand what Phoebe is doing in the opium den. I feel like you may be deliberately withholding to try to hook me, but what's happening is it's confusing and disorienting me.

You have, up until this point, been very effective with ending on a hook that leaves me with clear questions that I want answered and motivates me to keep reading. This is a point where, if I were reading solely for pleasure, I would put it down and forget about it.

10: Question: Why does Phoebe assume this particular stranger in the opium den might be her father? Why not any of the others? I feel like something has been left out, here. I think I need to see more of what transpires between Bliss and Phoebe to understand why she thinks this; Outiz hasn't given her any reason to believe it.

"untie him..." -- I don't see any reason for ... here. (I find, as a reader, it's an overused bit of punctuation that does nothing but weaken the writing. Kind of like overuse of adverbs and phrases like "kind of.")

"Shit and damnation, boy" -- Outiz already knows Phoebe is a girl, from chapter 9. He's already asked her name there, too. Weird repetition, it almost feels like two different writers covering the same ground. Definitely unnecessary repetition.

11: under revision when I was reading

12: I love the reappearance of the Skulduggery man. I like that he wasn't just there by accident, though I didn't recognize his importance as a character at the time.

But... even taking into account the missing chapter, I don't understand why Outiz and Phoebe were down in the basement just to find their way to Bliss. It's nonsensical to me, since they were both there to talk to him already and the set up feels contrived. They didn't stumble into his sitting room accidentally, it seems like a set up. A pointless one.

"Let's see what the bastards have left to throw at us," -- I'm guessing stuff happened in 11 that makes Outiz say this.

13: "Outiz did not recognize the pistol but it looked like a British service revolver of some kind." -- Maybe cut either the first half or the second. He says he doesn't recognize it, then that it's a kind of British service revolver.

Mad as an adjective. Earlier it's used heavily in chapter 10, where Phoebe is describing Outiz. It's used again here describing the Skulduggery man.

This chapter needs a good proofread, I think; I noticed several grammatical errors.

Bliss's monologue made my eyes glaze. There are some good lines in there, and I like the gist of it, but it went on and on. If you cut between a third and half of it, it would probably be able to sustain my interest. Just keeping the choice bits.

I'm confused about Outiz being Bliss's pupil. Shouldn't he have known him in the beginning, then, when he got the letter? If he's unaware that he was Bliss's pupil, he was in some sort of disguise as Outiz's instructor, why does he talk about it like Outiz knows? Is it relevant to even mention it? What's Bliss's motivation to phrase it that way, versus the motivation of the author attempting to manufacture a hook?

There's enough of a hook anyway, without trying: What does this fairy mean to Outiz? Why does he want her so bad? I feel like the strength of that hook got lost in the blather when Bliss was monologuing.

14: I thought this chapter was a return to succinct elegance. The hook is natural, what does Skulduggery have to do with Outiz's quest for the green fairy? I love the double meaning, the liquid green fairy Outiz is searching for juxtaposed with absinthe.

"Awful sort of mix up, coshing a fellow and then pointing a gun at him," -- I thought it was the porter that coshed Outiz?

15: "There was a gathering around them now, Sir Francis called Marmaduke..." -- Maybe consider a colon before the list. At first I read "Sir Francis called Marmaduke," as Sir Francis calling to Marmaduke, which confused me since he is Marmaduke, and "an Oriental creature with drooping mustache" as a description of the Marmaduke called by Sir Francis.

Rather too many ellipses for my taste. I felt like they were being used as a crutch to create an absinthean flow in the narrative, capture the liquidity in Outiz's mind as he consumes the absinthe and is swept up by the enthusiasms of his companions (including Skulduggery).

I find it strange that Outiz immediately becomes so chummy with Skulduggery. Also, I'm wondering where Phoebe is. She was supposed to reappear, along with Outiz's coat and boots. He has his boots, but there's no Phoebe.

16: Not sure how I feel about this chapter. It's interesting and it flows, but I'm uncomfortable with the revelation of the deep misogyny in Outiz's character. I am fairly secure in the idea that Outiz is not actually Phoebe's father, since he'd have to have been 12 or 13 at the time. Not impossible, but unlikely. So the incest aspect doesn't really bother me. But he's still the hero of the story, the one I'm identifying with, and making him a would-be rapist makes that much more difficult for me. It's important for the hero to have flaws, but this scene feels like it goes too far for me to respect Outiz, and the loss of respect for the protagonist hero is a story killer for me. I like the struggle in his head. It's when he goes in and actually assaults Phoebe that I feel it surpasses what I'm willing to forgive, the whining and begging followed by vengeful brutality. (And I'll also lose respect for Phoebe, if she sticks around after this.)

I think this scene may be necessary to the story down the line, the dream in the following chapter where he feels the loss of Phoebe, for instance. So I understand that you probably can't do away with it entirely. I'm just saying that, for myself, if you moderated it a little, I would find it more palatable.

Outiz already has his boots in chapter 14. He shifts his foot and feels the weight of it.

"The night air cut through Outiz's shirt and looked at his coat enviously." Either that is very poetic, or you are missing a word.

17: I enjoyed parts of this chapter, again, there is some beautiful imagery. I also found it inconsistent in voice. A few technical things: if you're doing the flow without full stops, the capitalization is inconsistent. Most places you continue without capitalization, despite paragraph breaks, until the next full stop. In a few places you begin new paragraphs with capitals, despite no full stop at the conclusion of the previous paragraph. I also dislike the use of ALL CAPS for emphasis. It makes it feel overdone in this chapter. I do like the way you punctuate with the emphasis and repetition of "fairy food."

This is, of course, just my opinion. I hope you found it nice and nurturing.

-Frankie

Not my usual sort of thing, and I found the bold italics in chapter 3 a little offputting to read. And yet your descriptions are exquisite, and I want to continue, (I will when I have time, - maybe in Feb) I have a feeling you have an Extremely good book here. Marj.

Straight off, I know you’re going for a style here that I’m not too familiar with, so if I say anything contrary to the intended style, disregard.

The long pitch seems strong in pieces, but altogether it kind of bogged me down and left me confused more than intrigued. The last paragraph isn’t the kind I usually go for, but in this case, it caught my interest the most.

Ch1 sets the tone, and that’s what told me this would be a particular style. I think it works well as a sort of brief prologue, pulling the reader into the story. Ch2 continues to build the atmosphere and gets things going, sets some questions about Outiz. Early enough that it’s just on the right edge of piquing my curiosity without annoying me by being intentionally coy with information.

Ch3 gave me whiplash, though. I’m all for adventurous POV shifting, going from third to first person, but I couldn’t figure out who was talking, what was going on, whether it happened before, after, or during the events of Ch2, etc. The end of the chapter felt oddly chopped, and Ch4 has us back with Outiz.

Peeked ahead at some other chapters. Are you using different fonts to differentiate between different storylines/POVs? When it shifts to Phoebe, I had no problem. A little more help, maybe in a header or some other kind of transition, might help the speed bump in Ch3. I wonder if your intention is for Ch3 to be ambiguous, dropping a little mystery that’ll be woven in as we go. That could work, but for me, at least, it needs some way of doing it without killing momentum and making me scratch my head quite so much.

Just my thoughts as a cold, out-of-genre reader.

great start a great premise, told well---l shall put this on my watchlist...
read SEASONS..

This is quite different and a bit dark but it's working for me. I think you've captured the time period perfectly. Not something I'd normally read but it held my attention through the first couple of chapters. Something reminds me of the dark atmostphere of the Tim Burton Batman movies. I hope that makes sense, I can't pinpoint what it was exactly that made me think of that but it popped in as I read. The cast of characters are great too, the kind I haven't read about too often, which makes sense cuz I don't read stuff like this. You've got a load of potential here and I enjoyed it. I know I'm not being very helpful here! I like your narrative voice too, very unique.

It's on my WL and when I have space I'll pop it up (might not be til after the new year).
Missy

The Shattered Mirror
COVER: Looks like you grabbed this off of google images. Corner store at night tells me very little on its own.
I'd be happy to lend a hand if you'd like.

TITLE: It's Okay...feels a little "Haven't I read this somewhere before" You might hit Amazon to see how popular it is already.

SHORT PITCH: Needs work. Has a pretentious feel to it that will put some off. Quotes often do that and especially quoting certain people. If youre looking to grab the attention of Litfic folks...it might work...if commercial fiction...I'm hearing the no go buzzer...and after reviewing the rest of this...I'd say it stands at no go.

LONG PITCH: to be fair...I read v little fantasy...and definitely would put down anything that has a fairy in it. However, the pitch has a quirk to it that is attractive. (But mostly I want to know the people who fall into this target audience.) Who is this written for? Its not clear to me and if not to me, I wonder how many editors/agents will see it.
Certainly one should write whatever one likes...but you might rewrite this with a more specific market appeal...I could be wrong...again...I'm crap at this. But honestly I'm losing interest quickly as I read this. I was interested in Outiz but the rest reads like too much is jammed in here. Maybe I'll be wrong. I hope I am! I was a big comicbook reader years ago...lots of Vertigo titles, etc. and this has an appeal along those lines, but more like when DC/Marvel tried to join two big groups to do a Special issue.

TEXT: Opening reads a bit like an old Twilight Zone episode...and probably if someone likes that, they will like this.
First chapter reads a lot like comic books. Have you ever pitched this to them or written for comics? Second chapter...wow, these are short. Action packed though and straight to it. Good and streamlined here. Feels polished but its not for me I'm afraid...and I still can't peg the audience. Feels a bit 90s to me, or was that in the early 00s? hm. You know "From Hell", "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"...but I suppose I always loved Alan Moore and you might be onto something with his audience.

Best of luck with this and let me know if I can help you out with a cover.
-=Bradley

After more than a year on this site, it seems I've become impatient and reviewing books has become a difficult process as I find myself struggling to get past the opening paragraphs. The Shattered Mirror is the first thing I've read in two weeks that held my attention. This is good-I'm shelving it now and will return with comments after I've read more.

G.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would very much like to see your take on Einstein, another hard to classify tale I've decided is magical realism/lit fiction, if your time allows. Thanks.]

Know what? This is fabulous! I'm going to read all of this. I'd buy it if I'd read this much in a bookshop. Love the economic prose that says so much, love the grime and mystery - and I know about Abaddon. I'm off work, and I know what I'll be doing tomorrow. :) Oh, and I'll be shelving it, too, when I change over.
Cariad.

Came to read after seeing your spat on the forum! Really like the first chapter. The sort of outside voice - narrator? author? isn't used much but it works really well. I galloped through this beginning, sucked in by the voice of the speaker. You set up Whitechapel evocatively and you give us those questions and hooks to go on with. Great tone, huge readibility. Now to read on....
Cariad
STONES.

You beautifully portrayed an atmosphere, in which the story is developing, more than 100 years ago in the perceptions of contemporary life. We can find out same characters in your novel from this society, but convey them to a novel is a difficult process. As a trained writer you have successfully done it. **** rated and backed.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Look, I'm a sucker for this sort of thing. It's got all the elements i require in an author I don't know: intriguing subject matter, well drawn fascinating characters, naturalistic/realistic dialogue used to ground us in an otherwise very fanciful yarn, adventure, sex, magic, intrigue, threats and lies.

I love how you flit between the more "old-fashioned" narrative style and the more modern. I love the mystery of the storyteller. I LOVE Outiz! This is just a cracking good time.

Yeah. well done. Backed with prejudice.

If it turns to crap in chapter eight I'm coming after you.

Hi Nick,

Okay, you did an in-depth on mine, so I will return the favour.

Let’s begin with the pitch.

A long pitch should be like a mini-query letter, meaning, each and every word should be at a premium, and immediately zero in on the conflict of the MAIN character. You have introduced too many characters to make me want to read further.

Next, you need to hone in immediately on the main struggle of your character.

> Fifteen years ago Thomas Grimes fled England leaving behind his inheritance.

And?? If you had merely said that Thomas left England, that would’ve been fine, but if you’re going to introduce the inheritance bit, then at least let us see why that is germane to your plot.

> Now a stranger has arrived. A stranger called Outiz with no face. He seeks a trapped fairy who has promised to reveal his true name. Is he Thomas Grimes?

Okay, this is all over the map. We don’t need to know his name unless you intend to go into more detail about who he is, and WTH is up with a fairy?? And one that’s trapped? Where? And what could this possibly have to do with Grimes?

Re-write your long pitch. Include the following things:

Protagonist
Protagonist’s quest (what he thinks he needs)
Protagonist’s main struggle (what he really needs) and what is keeping him from getting it
REMOVE ANY AND ALL QUESTIONS, re-writing them as statements. It weakens the pitch strength.
Remove ANY reference to the other vampires
And unless your book is about Richard Burton and his quote, re-write the short pitch as well.

Something like:

In 1888 London, the return of a deformed stranger spells trouble for an old man with his own agenda.

Or, something to that effect. It’s difficult since I haven’t read all of the book, yet. But mine is intriguing, gives the period up front and isolates the possible conflict to come. And THAT is what a long pitch should do as well.

And now on to chapter one:

> Let us begin then with the arrival of a stranger.

How about we begin WITH the story? This is no hook. Your story’s energy is low from the get, and does nothing to make me care, and that should be your main concern.

> A man of fierce aspect....

Again, we don’t need a run-down of description at the beginning. This is like a grocery list, and again, who cares?

Readers today have short-attention spans. Since conflict/tension is what drives every day life for most people, then you need to also begin your story there. Locate the point at which your character is now facing a life change. Instead of giving us this mini-prologue, why not begin at the point where this person lost his face? THAT is the crux upon which your story is built, since it clearly dictates this person’s present and future actions, and the exact point where this person finds himself at a cross-roads.

> This is Whitechapel in Autumn 1988.

I think you meant 1888?

Also, I think it will be more effective if you remove all instances of the intrusive authorial voice. Just trust your own writing and story, especially with historical fiction, without having to resort to cutesy and tired devices. Plus, it reads partially as if you’re talking down to your reader.

> Damn the cold, damn the smog burning his throat and g*ddamn also the stink of shit.

This reads wonky. First, you have the sentence in italics, which means you’re indicating that this is HIS thought. But yet, you have him saying “damn the smog burning HIS throat.” And the wording at the end of this is weird. Suggest:

Damn the cold, damn the smog that burns my throat, damn the stink of shit. This is how we talk and think. I suggest always reading your work out loud, especially passes of dialogue, since when you read it over in your mind you’re naturally going to be reading with YOUR own voice; but because you are familiar with the way you think and talk, you won’t necessarily catch any little foibles like I’ve spotted, because I am reading with MY voice and it isn’t going to read to me the way you think you’ve written it.

> I have no card. The man kicked the door

Can all be one sentence since it’s still from his POV.

Okay. You take us from the porter leaving the man to fume at the door at the end of chapter one, with no promise that he’s going to retrieve the proprietor, directly to the man pushing open the door in chapter two. ??? There’s a disconnect there that I didn’t follow. Perhaps having the porter give Outiz an insult like “Piss off, now” might be the prescribed remedy.

> Still he thought, if anybody wants trouble

His actual thought needs to be italicised like you did before. Remain consistent.

> But when his his eyes fell

Repeated word.

> he saw her blink as her eyes fell on his face.

I think, “as her eyes fell TO his face might be less wonky. Because it reads like she lost an eye and it bounced off his cheek.

> One of her front teeth was half missing.

Half-missing is hyphenated. And this sounds like she had a half-tooth. Is that what you meant?

> fer just onedrink, Mister?

Space needed.

> He heard her her cackling

Repeated word.

> The porter was a fighter from the Ring

Why is ring capitalised?

> but probably kept dishing it out too.

Comma before ‘too.’ Comma ALWAYS before too.

> The Porter was holding open a door

Word order. The porter was holding a door open.

> But no further voices reached him, just the happy piano.

This is passive voice and disjointed from the rest of your narrative. And you can use a semi-colon instead of a comma since the two sentences are related.

> The voice was deep, very deep, as though it echoed from tunnels deep below.

This metaphor doesn’t work, because voices that resonate from tunnels are not usually thought of as being “deep.” Hollow, yes, but not deep.

> The speaker was black skinned.

Hyphenated. Black is the modifier for skinned.

> Then something exploded on the back of Outiz’s head...

This makes it sound as if an actual explosion was lit on the back of his scalp. I’m assuming someone hit him? Perhaps a different verb other than exploded may work better.

I’m up to chapter 5 and out of time for now.

For the most part, your writing is very clean, few adjectives/adverbs and your descriptions, while tending toward the over-done, are at least effective in relaying the bleakness of 1888 London. I’ve no particular problems with your dialogue--sounds pretty authentic.

The only REAL and large problem I have, is, as I said: you haven’t begun your story AT the beginning. That first paragraph and sentence should immediately highlight this person’s conflict, and then take us from there.

And I honestly think that re-writing your pitches will help in getting your book on more bookshelves, thus getting it out of the 3,000s and into the top 1,000s. Because the pitch just reads like it was thrown together; not a valid representation at all of what the actual writing in your story is like. From what I can glean, while this is a sort of ensemble piece like The Lost Boys (one of my favourite movies, btw), that story STILL centred mainly around one person’s conflict: Jason Patric’s character. So, too, must your pitch. The problem young writers face in attempting an ensemble piece (not saying you’re young, but you seem to be making this mistake in your pitch, at least) is that they think equal attention must be paid to ALL participants, and you simply can’t do that. It overloads the reader with too much going on, and ends up alienating them altogether. Give them too many people to care about, rather than including them as secondary characters, and your readers gets so overwhelmed they end up caring about none of them.

Keep both your story as well as your pitch centred around Outiz’s struggle, and then if you must mention the other characters, do it in passing, without identifying them by name. If you force too much attention on what turns out to be minor characters, then none of them will gain your readers’ interest or sympathy.

I hope this has helped.

That Richard Burton quote is almost out of context as a curtain raiser to this. The addition of the first line 'All Faith is false, all Faith is true', might be a distraction here though as although good and evil may be a subtext, there is little religion in this, let alone faith. The plot is broken up rather like that shattered mirror and there is absinthe drinking (green fairy) and lots of brandy and cigars but I have to say nothing much Dickensian otherwise about the story. Outiz and Phoebe meet up with the rest of the cast, including the enigmatic Ebeneezer Bliss, in chapter 11 but the author seems to be playing his plot cards close to his chest ( perhaps I missed key plot developments in the chapter labelled under review) and I hope and suspect saucy Jacks telegram might arrive soon to clarify matters.

I have read 11 chapters so far and will read the remainder when time permits. The story is engaging, although perhaps a little slow-moving at times. Your style is well-suited to the period in which this story is set and you have captured the "Dickensian" feel. The scene with the fog-filled Old London still strikes me as a a bit of a cliche, but that could just be me.
There are a couple of typos dotted about - but that's to be expected in a WIP and I'm sure you'll edit them out later. The story has me hooked, but the characters are a little flat and I can't bring myself to be terribly bothered about them at the moment. Can you do something that will make me care? Bring them to life in some way? I shall rate this with 4 stars at the moment (for its potential) and return to see how it progresses. All the best.
Lilian.

you passing this off as new, Mr Poole. It's fantastic, as you know. You tell a stroy like very few others on here - we disagree over the range of applicability of Swain's rules, I know, but anyone who slags him off for his usefulness in constructing a cracking romp needs to read this before they do so.

Nick,

Since being a member here, you've played more games than Milton Bradley and the Parker Brothers. Why should we continue to support you, your sub-standard work, and your multiple accounts?

RB