Elements of Nature

Hi Bruna,
I hope you can get a chance to read parts of my college caper crime story that takes place at the Oktoberfest.
Thanks
Kirk
"How to Steal a Lion"

thanks you are so kind

richardx

cioa

richard

Thanks for the invite, Bruna. Can't message you, so this is just to say your book is on my WL :) Pia

adorable, is kind of difficult to reply, if you only accept emails from your friends....lol

happy to swap readings

david

you will with great effect, using narrative and dialogue to the full; fascinating story too; l shall put this on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Bruna,
Elements of Nature is so imaginative. I love your description of the Amazon forest Alicia and Kieran find themselves in. This fantasy genre has great appeal to young adults. I love the environmental messages embedded in this story and agree that humankind can be its own worst enemy when it comes to the environment. Your writing is luscious and richly detailed. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

I've watchlisted your book. If you get a chance to look at mine I'd welcome any response.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do

this is a very interesting and exciting read. i just couldnt pry my eyes away. loved it. shelved.

Hi Bruna,

This is an interesting read so I'm backing it.

Your style of writing reminds me of Joseph Conrad in that you phrase things a little differently from the normal in English. This gave me a slightly otherworldly feeling while reading your story, which I found quite enjoyable.

As has been pointed out below, you don't need to use the children's names so often (Keiran said). Where it is obvious, remove them, nor do children use each other's names quite so often in my experience. Their use slows your story down.

John

Hi Bruna,
Elements of Nature, is a book for all ages and will find a strong audience. The way you have presented the novel, as a delightful adventure with strong meanings is the perfect way to teach. I'm backing the book as it deserves a wider audience. All the best,Eric

Hello Bruna,
What a well timed and good story this is. I feel very sad when I hear about the Amazon rain forest and what we are doing to it. We are all responsible even if it's only buying soap that contains Palm oil! As for your target audience, I'm sure they would enjoy this. The children innocent and real and your description of flora and fauna is lovely, nothing imagined but all as it really is. I don't comment about editing, don't feel competent enough to do so, you will know what needs to be done but as a reader, you have the makings of a great story driven by the love and respect you have for the Amazon. I would like to see it published because under the nice story is an important message. On my shelf for both reasons. Margaret (Candles in the Garden)

Hi Bruna lotti,

I noticed your bio wherein you state your relatives live in the Amazon and inspired your work. You deliver a much needed message. A contemporary Narnia in the Amazon. Very good portrayal of the children arriving in an unfamiliar setting. Clear suggestions and lessons to be learned in your profound piece. Cohesive emotions of children as they explore their way to the fire flies and then also in the flashback scenes. Your descriptions invoke respect for trees and creatures.

On my shelf. Warmest regards. Janet Marie

Bruna:

I actually read through much of chapter six because I was eager to see whether Alicia would heal Kieran. There are shifts between present and past tense throughout, and you do need to decide which one you want to go with. But that can be caught in an edit that I'm not too concerned about. I think it was a good idea to have the story start with them in the rainforest. It allows you to establish the mystery early on in the book and then work in gradually to the more mundane parts of their life. Once the imagination is captured, kids will read on to get to the bottom of it, and they'll sympathize with the children who have a busy, working mom. I think it's a timely characterization that many kids can relate to, and it's always great when a kid who is disadvantaged and bullied has a chance to become a hero. So, these are all high points for the story that impressed me right away. I think you're off to a wonderful start.

Jeanne

This is a good old fashioned romp for kids. it's like a cross between Ray Bradbury and Enid Blyton and there's something curiously innocent about it. It's rare in kids fiction these days to have characters so open and well nice I guess, without any angst and in a way it's kind of refreshing too. You're going on my shelf because you whisked me back to my childhood. They don't do 'em like this any more.

Your opening struck me as a little bit patronising and cliché for a young adult genre - "their hearts beating ever so fast", and the dialogue, which didn't work for me - it sounded fake, and I have to say I suspect any teenager would giggle at the innuendo in "fiddling and rubbing my pendant, and thinking happy thoughts", which might lose your book some credibility, which isn't good so early on.

However, your description of the characters' exploration is very good - it paints a vivid picture of the environment, but there's enough action and movement to prevent it being boring. "some like mildew and others like so many kinds of perfume wafting on a breeze that wasn't there" - a beautiful simile, but it needs tightening - change the word 'kinds', it's too vague, and get rid of 'so many' - it weakens the writing.

"worryiedly" - not a word?

I think you're using their names too often. With there only being one boy and one girl, I think you could cope with just referring to them as 'he' and 'she' most of the time - it might contribute a little bit to the atmosphere of this scene.

"said a deep, mysterious, yet calming voice coming from somewhere hidden up amongst the seemingly endless sky-bound trees" - adjective overload here. Less is often more when it comes to descriptions.

ch2 - "classed a slightly obese"; typo, and 'slightly obese'? doesn't sound very professional. You're either overweight or obese, right?

"one month away to completing eleven years old" - that sentence just doesn't make sense

I think I've read enough to confirm my first thoughts at the moment - this isn't a young adult book. Young adults tend to be 12+, and they won't want to read about ten-eleven year old characters. You need to take another look at your dialogue too - even for characters this young, the dialogue is unnatural.

This is a very good children's book, though. The pacing is right, the plot is fun, the characters are ones that children will find interesting. I'm backing it on those grounds, so good luck with it.
Hattie
xx

Fast paced and adventurous opening. No tiresome explaination from the writer, just a simple line about rubbing a pendant, tells the reader everything. You've described their bewilderment well. The prose is visual - I am in the jungle with them. This has a beautiful magical element.

On my Watch List.

Joanna

Brunna,
I got this off the YA list. Here to have a look…

Very abrupt opening. No wondering when the adventure begins. I like the simplicity in your writing. You are direct and well thought out. This is a good target for younger readers.

I found this a wonderful place to be :) I guess I will have to clear a shelf space for a time.

Gina
(Feeling Perfection)

Comment on Chapter 1...

Well, you certainly drop your characters straight into the action. I'd kind of liked to have got to know them a little bit before they turn up in the rainforest, perhaps a scene showing how they get transported.

I'd suggest changing the bit about the trees being about 130 metres tall. I'm not sure they grow that tall, even in the Amazon. Also, I can't imagine young kids estimating to that degree of accuracy, even if they do grow tall. Perhaps just say "more than 100 metres".

Other than that, the environmental message seems like a worthy one to give to kids, especially before they become cynical teenagers.

Chapter 2...

OK, now we go back to find out how they got there. Well, that works, too. Suggested rewording: "They were one month away from turning eleven". The bit about the woman smoking could be played up a little, just to discourage kids from taking it up.

Chapter 3...

Hmm, aren't kids cruel? These scenes read quite well.

OK, I've seen enough. You have a nice story with a nice message. It needs a polish at sentence level to get it up to a publishable level. I'll keep it on my watchlist to see how you develop it.

Regards,

TomW

This is a very good book. Congratulations. This is not my genre by any means, but even I found it interesting. The strengths are your descriptions. Very visual. The movie rights will be offered any day. :)

I was taken back by how quickly your book started. That's a good thing. I like how the next chapter you go back to explain. Very effective. The only thing I found a tad jarring was the start of Chapter 4 when you tell us that they are back in their bedroom. I found that more of a stage direction than anything else. It would be more effective if you just showed us they were back there and we figured it out for our selves.

Besides that, well written! This should go far!

Michael
(The Last Coming Out Story)

Bruna: This is a very timely story. The lesson you want to impart is clear.. the work, however does not yet match the story you want to tell. 1) Describe as much of what is going on -- rather than telling us the kids were afraid and sweating, paint a picture of where they are and how they are feeling. 2)This feels like potentially a beautifully illustrated story -- one suited for young readers. That said, the character who tell them where they are sounds extremely mature based on language and word usage. 3)I'll bet your kids would have some excellent ideas for the story if you share with them and put their imaginations to work. 4) Renaming the kids is excellent was to transform them for their journey...I like the tone and the use of our spiritual power to "face our problems."

I've only read Ch1,,,Good luck...

Bruna,

What a delightful story. As others have said, it could stand a good edit, but the heart of the story is well-crafted and engaging. My only suggestion is that, in the very beginning when they first appear, I would give the description of where they are before they start shedding clothes. I think they’d be so amazed by their new environment, it would take a moment to realize how hot they were.

Good luck!

~Steve

This is lovely writing and I really enjoyed it. I would buy this in a bookstore - plenty going on to keep me interested. I'm not going to nit-pick, we all need to edit our stuff! I'm glad to have it on my shelf ;-) Good luck!
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide if you can ;-))

Having read something else by you, I was really impressed on how your writing has improved. It needs a bit of editing but after some time has passed you will be able to see where the writing needs polishing. It is a good story for children and well observed, so I'm backing it for its potential.

if your writing is a reflection of your ideals-then you are a caring and loving person-and the world is a richer place for having you.

good luck with all your projects-TJ

This is a book concerning the most important subject on the planet and should, therefore, be read by children.

It addresses the most pressing physical and spiritual problems of our time in an almost mystical way while showing a good psychological understanding of human nature.

Unfortunately, it is rather badly written but, if the many grammatical errors and spelling mistakes were to be corrected, this would be a good book which could hopefully encourage children to be concerned about saving the world through firing their imagination in a way reminiscent of Arthur Conan Doyle's "The Lost World".

On the other hand, it ends hanging in mid-air, leaving the reader to wonder what happens next - but, then, perhaps this is an analogy for what is happening in the world - as the story keeps changing from the rainforest to England and back in a dreamlike fashion.

Elements of Nature

Hi Bruna, What an interesting read, the author's life journey is as intriguing as what is happening to Kieran and Alicia. The premise is good, I see this book targeted at the younger older child, if that is not a tautology. Children around 8, 9, 10...it could equally well be read to them by an adult. The themes you have picked up here are important and strong. While the action was good and the pace quick, I found the floating narrator hanging above the scene, describing the children's responses using the "they" pronoun took me out of the story. Later you start to define the children's characteristics, Alicia is braver than Kieran, often the way that the girl is more courageous than the boy. I wonder if you focused on each child's point of view or just stuck with one of their points of view it would help place us more inside this first scene in the rainforest.

I am intrigued and will read on, watchlisting prior to backing in a few days time when I cycle round my shelf - best wishes - Andrew W.

I have only read a bit of this tale, but so far so good. Thrust into the adventure from the get go. I look forward to completing it!

Hi Bruna,

I have re-read the first few chapters of Elements of Nature, and can see lots of changes. The read is smoother and it still holds all the initial charm I loved the first time round. The 'green' issue is not going away, so this is going to be a topical book for some time to come - which is of course both good and bad!

I continue to wish you luck with this project and the many others you are working on.

Kat x

Hi! You've created a magical, child-like world here which is interesting to read and has the potential to keep readers wanting more. The first chapter needs some tightening, but that isn't unusual with most books here on Authonomy. As writers we often forget how the first chapter, the first page, the first paragraph and sentence are what our potential readers will judge our books by. A very daunting thing. A good editor could help you there. Once your story really gets going in the second chapter, it's a delightful read. I admire how you jumped right into the story in the first chapter--that was an excellent way to begin this work. Your love for what you're writing shows through, so keep at it!

Bruna, I think your use of language is magical, and fits in very well with the magical nature of the story. I loved the "positive breeze", for example.

I felt that the beginning of the story was too abrupt--that I was missing something. Later I read some of the reviews below, and it seems that the two children are running away from bullies. I would suggest that you put the bullies back into the beginning of the story. This explains the childrens' desire to leave where they were, and also may be an early exposure to the type of negative force that they will now have to face.

On my shelf for magical writing.
Jim

I have read your first chapter and I think that you have a lot of wonderful things going on with it. I also think that it needs some spit n' polish to really make the gems of your writing sparkle. Below are my comments on your first chapter. I've read 4. If they make sense, use them. If they don't, ditch them. Toss them. Or burn them. They are only meant to help. I am shelving this book because I believe that with some polish it will take off like a rocket. It's a lovely tale. I wish you the best of luck and am sending you positive energy.

Rachel May


Chapter 1
Once I got into your story, past the dialogue part I was very impressed with the way that you write. I think in the beginning when you say, "they held themselves close" I know what you're trying to say, but it reads a bit clunky. I also wonder if there's another way to open rather then them opening their eyes to a place they've never seen before. What if you instead describe the place they have never seen before. Then say that they have never seen it before. Does that make sense?

"A cacophony of animals (,) birds(,) and insects was deafening." I would reword this sentence this way.

"....and Humans his most powerful tool of destruction." I would take out the word "are". I think it reads better. But that's a small change. But I adore the thought of the powerful tool of destruction.

Every wonderful story has a moral. One way or the other it has something to teach you. Good or bad. This book has a moral. And I can see it. Your imagery is very visual and that's great. I challenge you to add more sounds and get more descriptive with the things that the children are seeing. I think that by invoking all the senses you'll really pull the reader in more.

Your book and your heart are the amongst the most honest and wonderful I've come across - that's refreshing, heartening and encouraging to me personally. You write purely for the joy and entertainment of others - that's the difference between you and most of the people here who are writing purely out of self-interest. We need more love like yours round here, not less. x

Bruna, I backed this ages ago because I loved the premise. Sure, it needed some work. So does everybody else's. Make sure you finish it, eh?

Dear Greta,

Thank you so much for your support. I want to finish. I want to do a good work. I hope I can do so this year. Have a great week. Bruna

I'm reading your book and it feels like I'm in the jungle. Tough trick to pull off well done. You give it atmosphere - I'm staying.

Bruna,
Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this. I love stories about the tropics. I can tell that your intention here is to grab the reader immediately, but I think it's just a bit abrupt. I would have a paragraph or two to set the scene, starting out with something interesting to set up this jarring move to the Amazon rain forest. Maybe have them in their regular environment and have them talking about the rainforest and then rub the pendant?
You have very vivid descriptions of the jungle and I really liked that. I noticed a few punctuation problems and some past tense/ present tense changes that are distracting. It sounds like from some of the comments that you've been working this story over to get it right. It sounds like it's getting there, but still needs just a bit more work. I think the premise of the story is great and with some more polishing will rise on the charts. Good luck with this!
Jeff

Hi, i've finally managed to have a look at this! The premise is great, and very educational. I was wondering as i read if English is your first language? Some of the sentences just seemed to be phrased somewhat unusually.

I took some notes as i read, anyway, all just my opinion:

Good chapter title!
'Their eyes were looking...' - i wasn't quite clear what you were saying, here.
'looking everywhere a little bit scared' – 'looking everywhere, a little bit scared'
'They were sitting on the floor' – this is a bit jarring after you've just explained how they don't sit on the floor because it's dirty.
'asthma' – ah, that's why she was worried about him sneezing.
'there again' – 'then again'?
'when got spotted' – 'when they were spotted'?
'Alicia and Kieran's eyes...' - there's too much in this sentence, it's hard to read.
Um, i've always pictured faeries and fireflies as looking not entirely dissimilar...
Good ending, nice hook!

Going straight into the action is great, the number of times i write, 'i think perhaps you could cut the first chapter a little' is legion, and i don't have to say it here! I assume there is going to be some clarification later as to how she ended up with the magic pendant, the invisible voice's doing, or destiny, i assume?

Your descriptions of the two frightened children beginning to relax and enjoy the rainforest are lovely, though you have a slight tendency to pack your sentences full of phrases. A little trimming of unnecessary repetitions and the addition of a few commas would probably do wonders.

Overall i think it's not quite there yet, but brimming with the same potential as the Amazon rainforest! (Loads!)

Hi,

This is a pretty nice piece of writing. You do need a good edit to tighten up some of the text. I've seen the same things that some of the others have said so I won't repeat them, however I did see one thing that I'm not sure was mentioned. This sentence:

...he said, once his nasal passages were clear.

Seems too technical and dry for the rest of the style you have here.

Please let me know if you update the text and I will take another look.

If you haven't done so already please stop by and take a look at my manuscript:
http://authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4441

Best wishes,
Chris

Sorry it took me so long to get over here. I didn't have time to read much, but I jotted some notes:

Alicia waited a few more minutes before undressing and keeping her shirt on. -- Is she undressing or not? Is she removing a coat? This doesn't make sense to me.

...Alicia looking at him worryingly. -- Is he worried about the way she is looking at him? If not it should be worriedly, as in she is worried about him, not worryingly.

The forest blazed with terror... -- The forest was scared? Maybe try 'The forest blazed with terrifying possibilities' or something like that, to show the kids are scared of the forest, not the other way around.

They continued exploring... -- When did they start? I thought they just got there.

..scared as if a snake would constrict their body or a poisonous spider... -- Show, don't tell. Maybe something like 'Every rustle of leaves made them more panicked, imagining giant snakes and poisonous spiders creeping toward them'

The exchange between the kids is good, but I think it needs a little more transition. I mean, one minute they are running in panic and barely able to breathe, the next they are cracking jokes? Maybe Alicia sees how scared Kieran is and is trying to calm him down? Maybe she is trying to distract them both?

...they felt a friendly atmosphere. -- Show, don't tell. What did it feel like? Was it a sense of calm? Was it gentle music in the distance? Was it a peaceful light under the trees?

...that quickly hid when got spotted. -- Akward.

I think the story has potential but it needs work. I'll try to come back and read some more later.

Hi Bruna,

The story is catchy and interesting, and I can see the jungle from your descriptions easily.

There are some problems though with switching tense, and I think some pieces need looking at. 'eyes wandering off' make me think the eyes are popping out of their heads and taking off somewhere by themselves, and at the beginning, it seems strange that they would both blink twice.

I do get all the visuals though, and this paints a picture in my head of the surroundings and what the children look like. I'm not sure of their age, but they seem pretty young from their language.

I would keep working at it, and use all the feedback from the site to hone this story. The feedback from JayG is great, so I won't repeat what's already been said too much.

You can rely on people here to come back and take a second, third, however many looks that are needed, so keep working on it!

Cheers,

Lorrii

Hi Bruna, I promised you I would return to read your new version. My first impression is that you have made the story a lot more accessible than it previously was and there are many positives about the opening. The relationship between the brother and sister is very believable and the fact that their mother is absent from doing her parental duties helps to make a reader sympathise with the children. The part where Kieran gets knocked down is well written, apart from a few shifts between present and past tense that need to be altered.

The down side to the new version is that it is not as original as the previous opening was. I liked the fact it was so different. I can see why you have made changes to try and appeal to more readers but I think that in the process you are in danger of losing what was making your book great. Perhaps the answer would be to condense the first three or four chapters into one longer opening one and have the accident occur at the start of a second chapter. There are parts at the school that could be cut down because they don't really add anything important to the story. You should also include the age of the children and the part about the kiki punch at a much earlier stage to allow it to flow better and for readers to be able to engage with your characters more.

I hope this helps. I know from my own experience that it is difficult changing your book radically. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and you have to know when to draw a line under acting on every comment you get. Your book is still promising and I wish you well.

Stephen

I've added this book to my watch list. I'm interested in seeing where it goes, though I've only read the first chapter so far. A few brief comments...when you mention that Alicia was chewing her hair, you suddenly switch to present tense and that's awkward...while I think it's natural for kids to notice stuff on the way to school, the info about vegetables conflicts with the fact the kids are already running late and wouldn't be having time to gawk at stuff in the market...there's no apparent transition between the "He he, Little Turtle" dialogue and the material about the play...is this something happening later or is one of the kids thinking about this while in the classroom. Then there's the dialog--from the play, I assume--at the end of the chapter, but it's unclear whether school is suddenly out and we're somewhere else or if this is going on in side Alicia's head. Not sure about spelling in the U.K., but in the States the "alright" usage is still incorrect. It's two words, not one.

I like the overall mood, but it's too soon to tell just what the focus of the book is going to be.

Malcolm

Hi Bruna, I read your new Chapter 1, as requested. First, a few things that need fixing:
You change to present tense in 'something she does when she feels nervous'. Keep to past tense is better.
typo: 'now classed a lightly obese' (as slightly?)
'Oh Mum, why can't you be here?" This seems melodramatic as speech, but could be effective as italicised thought (Mum, why are you never here when I need you?) or even as 'Alicia wished for the nth time that her mother was there'.
The sentence with 'looked down at the blue carpet with the little light that came in through the closed blind' is ambiguous. As is, the little light apparently belongs in the blue carpet (hey, it's a fantasy!) or, I'm guessing, you intended to say, 'looked down at the blue carpet. The light from the closed blinds made funny stripes across it." sort of thing. Just work out a different way to put it, I think.
The larger issue of whether you start with a domestic scene and then cut to the jungle later is probably your call. I'd say that anything with tension works, so I personally would have liked the chapter to start with the interesting Pilgrimage play, but I don't know if the conflict between these kids is essential to the story. Do you have to start in England? Because having the kids suddenly materialise in the Amazon is a real attention-grabber and you can dop in backstory (the home scene) as you go. I hope my comments make sense. All the best. It's tough, working out how to frame a scene & pitch it for maximum reader entertainment, while also delivering characterisation & action!! I'm sure the trick is to keep working away at it, see what works best. All the best for your writing.

Your first chapter is critical, so it pays to get it 100% right. I noted the following:
Vague opening sentence. 'Alicia & Kieran opened their eyes, only to find themselves in a place they had never seen before'. Try this: 'Alicia & Kieran blinked. A second before, they'd been /insert place/. Now they were standing in what looked like a tropical jungle. And what a jungle! Trees towered above them...smells..vegetation etc.' Try to capture the shock of the switch. I've only given you an example.
I think the last thing today's kids would think about is whether they're dressed appropriately.

The environmental message. Uh, I have to say, messages, thinly veiled or not ... I'd normally stop reading. Something organic to the story, though, not 'added in', can still grip our imaginations, so I'm not saying eco-fables are wrong, just that they shouldn't be sermons.

Disconnect. The owner of the deep, mysterious voice gives an order, 'Listen carefully to what I'm going to tell you'. This is followed by Alicia responding to an apparent question, 'I can tell you why we're here'. (Was the question deleted? Or assumed?) As is, it feels as if something's missing.
'to forget all our problems' - see, this doesn't sound like the way real children speak. 'to get away', maybe.

A & K: 'You should learn to face your problems'. Frankly, this sounds Victorian and very odd, at that.
I'm sure you can turn this chapter round, make it grip our imagination. The Amazon rainforest! So many possibilities! But you have to create tension via realistic action & speech. Maybe a bird could dive bomb the kids. Or something creep up on them. The voice could follow them as they're running...
I hope the above is useful. All the best for your writing.

Hi Bruna,

I’ve just read through the first three chapters of Elements of Nature. A couple of suggestions came to mind while I was reading. One is to place dialogue tags close to beginning of a speech, so speaker is identified sooner. Another would be to include more details, particularly about the forest - like what did the bark on the trees or the plants look like, how does the light filter through from above, etc. Rain forests are so beautiful, yet I found myself wanting to know more of what it looked like (although perhaps you do get to that later).

Also, this opens after Kieran and Alicia land in the forest. This scene might have more impact if their reactions were intensified somehow. Although intrigued by the forest, they seem to accept being there too easily, neither frightened nor missing home. Ch. 3 is much more intense and provides a lot of momentum. I’m wondering if this may be a better jumping off point for the story? At this point I began to understand the children and their relationship a lot better - and why they weren't so upset about leaving home.

I think you have a very original basis for a story here and strong characters in Kieran and Alicia.

Best,
Gemi

I've read the first few chapters of this, and I have a few comments to make. Please take everything as constructive.

Firstly, I'm curious about what age group you are aiming at. Young Adult seems to be to be between 13 and 18, and this seems a little too young for that age range.

Secondly, the opening chapter completely threw me. I know that there is a need to have a gripping opening, but this was too confusing. I think you need to have something else to start it.

Thirdly, there a few points where your turn of phrase is not quite right.

Having said all that, I do think that this is an interesting idea, and I'd love to have another look at it after another edit.

You do have a charming story here, but I think that for YA, it may be a good idea to add a bit more excitement at the start. I know that the messages the tale carries, are vital ones, but as someone who's job it is to work with young people, I know that they switch off as soon as they realise they're being preached to.

These messages could still be conveyed as a secondary issue, without making it so clear. If the book was written for adults, this would of course, be different.

Also, I think that it's not enough to introduce a mysterious voice just out of the blue. There should be some plausible reason behind it. A long time ago, YA stories were written this way. I've read a lot of them. Nowadays, I think young people expect something different. With the event of mp3s and game boys etc., an unexpected mysterious voice wouldn't make them read on, I'm afraid.

I'm really not trying to put your story down. You write very well. I'm just giving you the feedback you've asked for, the most honest way I know how.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity to read your work. I suppose that now I've blown my chances of you reading my work, like you said when you asked me to read yours. ;-)

best
anne

Hi Bruna - I really love the idea of this story. The first chapter put me off a little. It was a little confusing to me. As i moved on, the story became a story. You might want to tell how old the kids are early on, it was bugging me while I read. I think your story has much to recommend it and with an edit (I'm no help at all with that) I see this shaping up pretty easily. The nagging edits - my constant battle. I'm putting this on my shelf because I like the story idea and your characters. Good Luck, Sue.

Hi Bruna. I have just read the first four chapters of E of N and here are my thoughts.
I think this is a charming story which has great potential. But I also think it needs quite a bit more work. I don't normally read other people's comments before I post my own but this time, for some reason, I did. And I'm glad, because it's now obvious that you have changed the position of some of the chapters. I hope I'm not going to confuse or depress you, but I don't think the story works very well this way round. I thought that the opening in the Amazon jungle was way too confusing and I found the children's reactions a bit improbable. Neither seemed alarmed or worried about finding themselves somewhere so strange. Also, because they have not been 'introduced', I found it hard to empathise with them. If I had not read the pitch, I wouldn't have had a clue as to what was happening. My opinion is that the end of your current ch 3 is the right place to transport them to the Amazon, but I don't think you should give readers a hint of what is to come. Let Alicia touch her pendant and begin wishing, let her perhaps feel a bit dizzy or strange, which she might do after the bullies' attack, then go straight to the Amazon in the beginning of the next chapter.
I also found the 'mysterious voice' a bit of a cliche, and some of what it said was a bit deep too soon. The style of the whole Amazon scene felt to me like you were trying too hard, whereas your everyday scenes felt much more normal and the writing flowed much better. There were some other points that needed clarification, such as the children's ages. At one point you say "they had the same age". This should be, "they were the same age" and then you could add what that age is. Their references to "white sloth" and "little turtle" need explaining. Rupert needs an introduction. When he appears at the play rehearsal, you could say "Kieran's tormentor, Rupert" or something like that. Otherwise it sounds as if the reader should already know who he is.
Be careful of sentences which sound unintentionally amusing, such as "spoke Victor with a sarcastic tone of voice chewing his gum." If you read this as it is written, you have said that the voice is chewing gum. Also, "spoke" is a bit odd, "said Victor" is perfectly acceptable.
You have a few punctuation marks missing or out of place, but these can be easily fixed. I also found some of the childrens' dialogue a bit stilted, especially Alicia's. Sometimes she sounds like a professor rather than a child! You also have her referring to her mother as "Isabelle" which doesn't sound right.
But apart from that, you have a great story here. With some work, I think it would be very readable. I hope these comments help and I would be grateful to hear what you think of my fantasy novel, King's Envoy.
Happy new year,
Cas.

I must say that when I first read the book, I could not help at think what it was like to be young again and to do what kids do in our early years: imagine and create a world full of wonders where we could be anyone or do anything our minds would allow us to do. It completely captured me and my imagination and I was fed with a beautiful, wonderful story and I surely was missing something as nice and adventurous as that. I started to write a book quite some time ago, focused in a much more 'realistic' genre; perhaps trying to mix something about reality and express my own ideas and feelings as to what I would like the world to be or what I would expect people to see. So, when my sister handed me the manuscript and I flicked through the pages it filled me with something which I probably should have paid more attention to to start with: a beautiful and fun story.

Parabéns, Ca'Froxa!