Trick Some Werewolves, Defeat a Vampire, and Steal Back Your Life

Lucy is quite the little madam - spoilt rich girl - playing nasty little tricks on her stupid boyfriend. I loved it when the FBI broke in, but then Lucy reverts to being a child and elicits our sympathy.

Gabriel and Delia know themselves to be like Romeo and Juliet, though these are not star-crossed teenage lovers, and they aren't divided by feuding families but by species.

Lucy, eighteen, broke and with no prospects - now we really do sympathise. Hm, Shirley is raising my suspicions, and is the scene after the fall a dream? Judging by the puppy, that would be a Yes. Waking up isn't much better, especially the encounter with Jeff and Tara, even if they did deserve a dig or two. Very intense moment when the grandmother finds Lucy, and again with the cake and the gifts, and in the morning with the mirror. Then she rediscovers her spirit and we know she's going to fight back.

Some very illustrative writing, Michael - 'somewhere on that birdlike frame Tara had packed on some pounds', 'a wrinkled radish for a nose', 'dripping sparklers and confetti' - it is perfectly fitted to the genre, avoiding flourishes and flights of fancy. This is supernatural romance with its feet on the ground (aside from Delia) and characters that the YA audience will immediately take to heart and/or fancy. I can see the fake fiancé plot becoming a lot of fun, if dangerous and also hot. I'm not the target audience but would have continued reading, given the time, because I really want to know what happens. I'm giving this a very high rating, and putting it on my backing shortlist - it may take a week or two to get there, but it will end up on my shelf.

Possible nits: 'she would need to duck out on second period study hall', adding a 'tomorrow' in there somewhere would clarify the timing. 'turned on her heal [heel]', 'taken a cab ... took in the blue'. 'her heart sank and shrank in her chest', omit 'sank and'. 'made her want ... made her coffee'. 'he was staying the night with one of them as she sipped her coffee', I'm not sure about the logic of that. 'a wagging tale [tail]'.

Why would hiring a fake fiancé solve the problem of confronting both sets of parents as Delia wished. Maybe make the rationale more detailed.

"Though ridiculous looking, the sight of Jeff Haas naked in her bedroom, except for the short green and blue plaid catholic-school girl's skirt she'd coerced him into wearing, was starting to turn her on."

Forget all the weight-loss chick-lit banter earlier on - THIS (IMHO) should be your first line!

Fangs for a new, wonderfully offbeat, entry to the vampire genre Michael. This is very clean, very readable stuff - I wish you all good luck with it.

Andi Rinke
Ginger the Gangster Cat

This surprised me, it is brilliantly well written. Great pace and thoroughly engaging characters. I'm going to come back and read the rest, when I get more time...I can't wait to find out what happens next.

Thanks,

Natalie.

This is excellent writing! Why not just title it Paranormal Romance - I like the way that sounds. Anyway, I believe young adults are going to love this. You have a gifted imagination and the talent for putting it to words. Backed because id buy it.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

This is definitely a story that will grab current young readers. They will eat this up! It's written perfectly for the YA genre. Backed and starred!

Marissa P

Cain,

This book is only the second on this site that I've found myself flying through. Your characters are well developed and your writing has a catchy sort of humor to it. Plus the pace you've set is perfect, its keeping me hooked. Normally I have a lot of feedback and in this book there just ain't that much constuctive critism I can give. A few odd words here and there that a line by line edit could fix instantly. I will be backing asap (when I get to a computer and not my phone). The only thing I can suggest is the name...it sorta put me off. With your style of writing I would keep it short and punchy...maybe just Trick a Werewolf, Defeat a Vampire....and let that be that.

Well best of lucked and great book!
Kay N Gee
Shadow Side Up
Phoenix Feathers

Poor Lucy. She just gets into one incident after another, doesn't she? Rated high and on my watchlist. Good luck!

-Judith B. Shields
[Twice Reborn]

Wow! This was really really good. Well written and the plot developed quickly and effortlessly. There are just one or two typos that need to be tidied up but otherwise this was absolutely one of the best stories I've read here for a while!! Please post the next chapter in Lucy's adventures soon!!!

Lucy is quite the little madam - spoilt rich girl - playing nasty little tricks on her stupid boyfriend. I loved it when the FBI broke in, but then Lucy reverts to being a child and elicits our sympathy.

Gabriel and Delia know themselves to be like Romeo and Juliet, though these are not star-crossed teenage lovers, and they aren't divided by feuding families but by species.

Lucy, eighteen, broke and with no prospects - now we really do sympathise. Hm, Shirley is raising my suspicions, and is the scene after the fall a dream? Judging by the puppy, that would be a Yes. Waking up isn't much better, especially the encounter with Jeff and Tara, even if they did deserve a dig or two. Very intense moment when the grandmother finds Lucy, and again with the cake and the gifts, and in the morning with the mirror. Then she rediscovers her spirit and we know she's going to fight back.

Some very illustrative writing, Michael - 'somewhere on that birdlike frame Tara had packed on some pounds', 'a wrinkled radish for a nose', 'dripping sparklers and confetti' - it is perfectly fitted to the genre, avoiding flourishes and flights of fancy. This is supernatural romance with its feet on the ground (aside from Delia) and characters that the YA audience will immediately take to heart and/or fancy. I can see the fake fiancé plot becoming a lot of fun, if dangerous and also hot. I'm not the target audience but would have continued reading, given the time, because I really want to know what happens. I'm giving this a very high rating, and putting it on my backing shortlist - it may take a week or two to get there, but it will end up on my shelf.

Possible nits: 'she would need to duck out on second period study hall', adding a 'tomorrow' in there somewhere would clarify the timing. 'turned on her heal [heel]', 'taken a cab ... took in the blue'. 'her heart sank and shrank in her chest', omit 'sank and'. 'made her want ... made her coffee'. 'he was staying the night with one of them as she sipped her coffee', I'm not sure about the logic of that. 'a wagging tale [tail]'.

Why would hiring a fake fiancé solve the problem of confronting both sets of parents as Delia wished. Maybe make the rationale more detailed.

"Though ridiculous looking, the sight of Jeff Haas naked in her bedroom, except for the short green and blue plaid catholic-school girl's skirt she'd coerced him into wearing, was starting to turn her on."

Forget all the weight-loss chick-lit banter earlier on - THIS (IMHO) should be your first line!

Fangs for a new, wonderfully offbeat, entry to the vampire genre Michael. This is very clean, very readable stuff - I wish you all good luck with it.

Andi Rinke
Ginger the Gangster Cat

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Lucy. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. I have given you a high star rating. Space should open up on my shelf in the next couple of days and I will back your book then.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I like your voice and how you begin this. The one thing I'm worried about is it feels slightly geared to older audiences, while having a plot mostly teens would enjoy. As a young adult, I can't identify with Lucy without effort (a red Mustang?). On the plus side, if you can find your niche, you have a very unique piece of work. I love the way you describe your characters through and around the dialogue, and I love the setting. Keep writing!
Best of luck,
Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

Werewolves and adolescent angst-ridden relationships are not my favourite reads but your writing is fairly clean and error free...apart from that I don't know how representative this is of the genre but good luck anyway!
Stewart

Dear Michael, I love all of the foods that you mentioned, "ice cream, chocolate, carmel mocha latte, .....favorite cake" & I know that nothing could taste better than these. :) Great comparison. :) Yes, you made me smile. :) Your pitch prepared me for Lucy's dilemma & I was happy to read chapter 18 ending. :) I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please take a moment to back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

This is excellent writing! Why not just title it Paranormal Romance - I like the way that sounds. Anyway, I believe young adults are going to love this. You have a gifted imagination and the talent for putting it to words. Backed because id buy it.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

This surprised me, it is brilliantly well written. Great pace and thoroughly engaging characters. I'm going to come back and read the rest, when I get more time...I can't wait to find out what happens next.

Thanks,

Natalie.

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 21 hours later :)