The Lorestone

Dear Carol,
In your short pitch, you’ve described this as a sword and sorcery fantasy. What came to my mind was Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Cimmerian. Couldn’t help it, I’m a fan.
I started reading and was instantly grabbed by the fantastic opening paragraph. Impending loneliness crouching like some dark beast. Brilliant use of language !
And then, the horse started talking and stopped me dead in my tracks.
I don’t like fairy tales, period.
But then again, the dialogue felt right, quite unlike the juvenile stuff you find in stories of fairies and elves. So, I kept reading. And soon, my mind came up with its own coping mechanism and began to treat every talking creature as a distinct character, be it a horse or an ancient oak tree. After that, I had no problems whatsoever.
In fact, I quite enjoyed the trip.
‘The Lorestone’ is an extremely well-written piece. The storyline is very interesting and often reminded me of Frodo and his adventures (though I’ve never read Tolkien, I did see the movies). I’ve read the first two chapters of your story and loved two sequences in particular, viz. in the beginning where Allison leaves Elgiva to her fate and later (end of 1 to end of 2) when the latter discovers her magical transformation into a Saxon. The exchange between Elgiva, Elric, Godwin and Deor was highly enjoyable.
This story will certainly appeal to fans of this genre, regardless of age. My virtual BS is full at the moment, but I don't think you're looking for backing because your book seems to be already on real bookshelves in real bookstores. :-) So, 6 big bright stars from me !
Keep up the great work and best of luck with the sequels.
Regards,
AGC

Wow! Thrilling stuff! The setting is absolutely right for your story, including the respect for vows kept and honour respected above all within a wild tribal situation. If more had been posted I would still be reading at dawn. Your battle scenes are particularly impressive, very fast and full of action and counteraction.

Oddly, I found the first chapter slightly weaker than the rest, or parts of it, for the talk with the oak tree was effective and the banter among the young hunters great. Does Elgiva bemoan her fate just a little too much? Or too often? Or could it be that you have included too much introspection very near the beginning in order to give background elements which might be better woven in another way? Or maybe Elgiva should be more angry as well as afraid and bewildered, which would give a sting to the opening. It isn't much, just... something slightly wan.

This shows every sign of being a great book and I would love to see it when it is finished. Will star and shelve with delight.

Margaret Woodward : The Devil's Bairn

Wonderful worldbuilding, a must in a fantasy world, and you have done it cleverly through dialogue. The pace flows quite well, and I'm enjoying the character development of Elgiva. I like the mix of reality and fantasy, a novel approach (no pun intended)

Great read! Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dear Carole,
I opened this with trepedation. I'm not a fantasy reader. You, however, drew me right in with your absolute lovely use of language. The way you put words together is a gift, your words create pictures and feelings. I loved too the tree, his voice like dark waters under the earth. I think I must have been a Druid because I wanted to hug that tree, protect it. You have the makings of a lovely story, a timeless one, I think. Best of luck. I'll back soon and shower it with stars.
Caroline
Summer Rose
PS Your prose is some of the loveliest I've read here.

Carol,
My first impression of the Lorestone is that it reads very smoothly, with a nice feel to it, well suited to YA in its content but using language that doesn’t talk down. It has a good opening, a gentle setting down of the reader in an imaginary world, but with lots of hints of a great story to come. Elves, banishment, murder, talking horses, Saxon invaders, magic amulets all in the first chapter.

There were a couple of aspects of the plot that I wondered at, mainly to do with Saxon society, which I admit I don’t know much about. (They’re only questions I asked myself and aren’t necessarily important for the story). First that it is taken for granted that Elric would take in a servant girl, banished from another Saxon settlement. They call Elgiva a guest, but war booty might have been more in keeping with Elric’s attitude.
At eighteen Elgiva seems rather old to be referred to as a child – I’d have thought at that age she’d have been a married woman with children of her own.
It seemed strange that Othere wasn’t aware of the tribes in his area, though he accepts that a ‘child’ has reached his territory without any problems so she can’t have come from such a great distance.

Final impression is that I am enjoying Lorestone, I love the Saxon/Elf/Briton triangle which is original and compelling. The relationship between Elgiva and Godwin is well-developed and they both come over as well-drawn characters. The other characters are not so solid, Rowena, for example is a bit of a shadowy figure. I feel that the section you have uploaded has a tendency to be unbalanced in the sense that some scenes are very long (when Elgiva meets Godwin and they talk about how he came to be a serf), while whole periods of the year go by with only a sketchy description (the winter Elgiva spends as Othere’s servant).
To even things up it might be an idea to fill in some of the blanks. It’s a criticism I have often had levelled at my books, that there’s too much telling. The solution is to write a scene that shows what happened rather than have a narrator telling, or Elgiva wondering about it. It makes the book longer, but the story is (in theory) more lively, less passive, and more interesting especially for a YA readership.
The bottom line is that I believe you have a good story here that will have wide appeal. It perhaps needs fleshing out on places, though that is only my impression.
Good luck with this and high stars for Lorestone.
Jane

very little wrong with this- well written with complimentary narrative and dialogue.
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hello Carol, I have read your first two chapters and have nothing to critique about them. I found it an absorbing tale with beautiful descriptions and fast paced action. A wonderful book, highly stared and W/L Karen. Faking it in France.

I love this! Refreshing to read of a female fantasy heroine. I'll be back to read more. Lots of stars!

Liz

Carol, I like the classic fantasy nature of your story; elves, sentient trees and animals. Your writing is really polished & well-written that my untrained eyes saw nothing to correct in the few chapters I read.
You mainly focus on the narrative and dialogue, which you do excellently, a vivid portrayal of the protagonist and all around her.
The lords were an engaging addition, though I was surprised Godwin was so raggedly dressed. He's a lord's servant, not a homeless man. I don't expect him to be dressed in finery, but not patchwork either, especially if he's as close to the lord as he's portrayed. But then, you named him a slave somewhere in there, it may just reflect the way things are among the Saxon. :)
All has been said below, and I'll read more to see how Elgiva fairs among men. I'm also curious to know if your races; elves and such, are in anyway unique from the Tolkien portrayal. The oak and the talking horse were certainly new.

Highly rated and will keep on my w/l

Edwin - The First Oath

Hi, Carole. I'm just checking out your book. I read the first chapter and will read a couple of more. Your story is well-written, the descriptions bring the reader right into the story. I love the talking horse, especially because it makes clear that the world Elgiva is from is a magical world, very different from the world we live in. jbywe gave you some excellent crit on mechanics. I'll try to do the same for you in Chapter 4. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Dear Carol

I have read the first two chapters of your elvish tale, "The Lorestone", a lively and well presented tale. I was not sure what to expect, but I find your writing colourful and expressive, your plot flowing naturally and easily. Your characters are very well drawn. And there are flashes of colour everywhere, like the kingfisher....darting here and there, flitting about and lighting up the scene. Your portraits are sensitive and beguiling.

Which, in a tale of this sort, is ideal. Great stuff.

All the best.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :)

A wonderful and fantastic read with nicely drawn pitch, vivid charachters and sound dialogues. The immaculate story shows your grip on your words and makes you a good writer. I will be reading more of it. Highly starred.

Not my usual read Carol, but I'm glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and into the enchanting world you have created. You write beautifully and compellingly and had me hooked with the wise old oak tree, a reverence I share! I can easily see this appealing to a wide range of readers. I've still got a few chapters to go, but just wanted to let you know I'm giving it six stars right now.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

The Lorestone. At last I've got to you! Your pitches are duly enticing, and I love the bluebell woods on your cover.

Ch.1. I believe it might be better to word your opening sentence something like 'Elgiva reached the brow of the hillock, acknowledging in her heart...' It's not really a good idea to start with a preposition.
Love that idea of theprospect of loneliness crouching in ambush, though.
To tighten up your story, it's admissable to search out the unnecessary words which impede the flow: still, just, soon, of course, (Ch.2) nearby, almost.
And watch out for duplicated meanings: 'she hesitated' and 'fearing to sound impertinent' send the same message to a reader.
You are muddling the two points of view - Elgiva's and Alison's - which clouds the scene for the reader. Perhaps it would be better if you stayed with Elgiva? You can convey what the horse thinks through behaviour.
Trees, deep and dark within themselves, spending most of the time asleep - great words.
Your style flows better as the dialogue with the tree progresses, and, with Elgiva, I am relaxing against the tree, waiting...

Ch.2. A gripping scene between Elgiva and the men, full of tension, and I'm forgetting the nits. But you do drift away from her Point of View from time to time.

Ch.3. The back story unfolds through their dialogue, which in places seems a bit stilted, but I guess that's how they spoke in those days.

An enchanting tale. And Elgiva is a courageous woman/elf, whose story is engaging and increasingly well-told.

Multi-starred, and thankyou for your support of mine!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

LORESTONE
This is a good young adult story. You have a good character in Elgiva. She’s very sympathetic because she’s been wrongfully accused and finds herself so alone. I liked the tree: gives the story a nice magical touch. If I had a suggestion it would be to make it clear in the beginning that Elgiva is an elf (because she was talking to a horse, I thought at first she was another horse; only when I reread and learned she wore servant’s rags, did I realize she was an elf). Probably just poor reading on my part, but it was confusing. Either way, I like this a lot. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi carol,

first off, thanks so much for backing my book "Above us the stars" :) I really enjoyed your book, it's fluid and the characters are interesting. I will definitely continue reading :)

Dear Carol,
In your short pitch, you’ve described this as a sword and sorcery fantasy. What came to my mind was Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Cimmerian. Couldn’t help it, I’m a fan.
I started reading and was instantly grabbed by the fantastic opening paragraph. Impending loneliness crouching like some dark beast. Brilliant use of language !
And then, the horse started talking and stopped me dead in my tracks.
I don’t like fairy tales, period.
But then again, the dialogue felt right, quite unlike the juvenile stuff you find in stories of fairies and elves. So, I kept reading. And soon, my mind came up with its own coping mechanism and began to treat every talking creature as a distinct character, be it a horse or an ancient oak tree. After that, I had no problems whatsoever.
In fact, I quite enjoyed the trip.
‘The Lorestone’ is an extremely well-written piece. The storyline is very interesting and often reminded me of Frodo and his adventures (though I’ve never read Tolkien, I did see the movies). I’ve read the first two chapters of your story and loved two sequences in particular, viz. in the beginning where Allison leaves Elgiva to her fate and later (end of 1 to end of 2) when the latter discovers her magical transformation into a Saxon. The exchange between Elgiva, Elric, Godwin and Deor was highly enjoyable.
This story will certainly appeal to fans of this genre, regardless of age. My virtual BS is full at the moment, but I don't think you're looking for backing because your book seems to be already on real bookshelves in real bookstores. :-) So, 6 big bright stars from me !
Keep up the great work and best of luck with the sequels.
Regards,
AGC

Hi Carol,

I think readers of fantasy will be delighted with the world we glimpse in this first chapter of your book THE LORESTONE. There's a lot of beautiful descriptive language here, and you've clearly done the hard work of creating a rich world history and interesting character backstories.

The biggest suggestion I would make to improve your opening chapter is to consider carefully how to balance the world-building you need to do up front with the action that's required to hook readers. Different readers like different things--a lot of fantasy readers love to have a new world built up very quickly, and I think those readers will be happy here. However, since you introduce a number of characters and a great deal of backstory up front, you might want to consider whether you can intersperse the introduction of character names (especially characters that don't appear in scene) and backstory between bursts of action and plot progression. This could help readers that may be a little slower to catch on or have a harder time keeping track of new names/places/histories. In particular, you might want to make the treason backstory a little less mysterious--any hint you can give about why Elgiva was exiled will help hook the reader into the story. Perhaps prioritize which one or two backstory threads get introduced in this opening chapter and weave in the rest progressively over later chapters.

(I am very sympathetic to how difficult it is to find the balance between keeping the plot moving and fleshing out the world backstory, since I've been writing a sci-fi/fantasy crossover myself. I don't know the "right" answer here--you, as the master of world-building, will obviously be the ultimately judge.)

Best,

Audrey Auden, REALMS UNREEL

Hi Carol,

Just catching up on some reads. Very sorry it's taken me so long to get to yours but I hope you find my comments useful.

Overall I think this is well written. Your spelling and punctuation are flawless, which makes it easy to focus on the story, and you have some lovely descriptive turns of phrase. Since you clearly know what you're doing, the nitpicks below are based on my own opinion rather than on any objective criticism – so you can use or ignore as you choose.

Chapter 1 is mainly from Elgiva's POV but slips into Alison's from time to time. Fine, if you're going to be doing this headhopping consistently throughout – it's your choice. I did note, though, that the first time it happened I was a bit confused. I didn't know whether the paragraph starting 'Harder still to conceal the truth …' was Elgiva or Alison's POV. Reading on, I now realise it's Alison, but at the time I wasn't sure whether the para before was a genuine POV switch or Elgiva speculating on Alison's feelings. Maybe I'm just conditioned by the types of books I enjoy reading most to expect a single POV throughout a scene. Other people might not find it confusing, because it might be obvious to them straight away that the POV had switched to Alison.

On a related point, character descriptions from within that character's own POV are one of my pet hates. You have quite a lot of these here – 'her pale lips parted', 'toyed with a strand of her black hair', 'tears to her dark eyes', 'her pointed ears' and so forth. No-one thinks of themselves in those terms (if in doubt, try reframing in first person – you would never say 'the realisation brought the smart of tears to my dark eyes', for instance). Again, maybe this is deliberate and you want to write in a more distant third person rather than close third person. But it always seems to me to be a lazy way for a writer to slip in descriptions of their characters.

Having read one chapter, I will just add that I find this hard to believe as an alternate history of the real world – elves and talking trees – but that's probably just my own limitations talking.

In Chapter 2 I couldn't quite get a grip on what Elgiva knew or didn't know. 'Where had she come from? Where was she going? She felt that she had forgotten something; something most important' suggests that the magic has made her forget, but she still seems to remember who she really is, so what has she forgotten?

When Elgiva shouts 'behind you' to Elric, it isn't immediately obvious it was she who spoke. I'd like to know straight away, otherwise it could be one of the men.

This chapter seems to stick pretty closely to Elgiva's POV, so I found 'she gave him a look that rightly belonged on the face of a startled fawn' rather jarring.

'The spell must have worked. How did I forget?' – ah, so that's what she'd forgotten. It doesn't seem at all logical to me that she would forget that and nothing else. After all, it's an important part of her plan for survival. Why would she forget it? And if (as it later turns out) her skin and hair have changed so noticeably, wouldn't she notice this immediately? I think I'd realise it if my hands had changed, for instance. The hands are the most visible part of a person's own body.

'The first fine threads of a bond began to form between them' – this seems to me to be a degree of intrusion on the part of the author, or at least it's certainly not from either Elgiva or Godwin's POV. Likewise 'neither of them could have known that with this simple joining of hands they had joined their separate destinies'. I'm really not keen on the 'little did they know' approach (I just find it annoying) but again, it's your story.

I enjoyed the conversation between Elgiva and Godwin in Chapter 3 but I did think she wasn't cautious enough. She says a lot of things that hint at her difference, and I'm not sure that she would trust so blindly to the disguise of her appearance as that.

Incidentally, I found it hard to believe that the warriors would have killed Godwin's sister. If they were taking prisoners then surely a young girl would be as valuable as a young boy? And I also find it hard to believe that Godwin would ever have become friends with the people who did that to his family. Accept the situation, yes, but not so far as thinking of them as his own people. And certainly not be sure that Othere will look after Elgiva. That suggests Godwin thinks Othere has a sense of justice that (in my opinion) isn't consistent with the idea that he ordered the killing of children during a raid.

Anyway, three chapters is all I have time for at the moment. I'm not sure that these notes will be of much use to you, but hopefully at least some of what I've said might be worth considering. Having read this far, personally I would be inclined to stick to Elgiva's POV except where you want to switch to someone else's for an extended period of time, but that really is just personal preference – it's up to you how you do things. But as I said, I think the story is well written, if not entirely to my own taste.

- The Lorestone -

(Chapters 1-3)

Fantasy and young adult are both genres for which I often struggle to give effective constructive criticism. Forutnately, it doesn't seem that I will be called to give it here as everything appears to be put together extraordinarily well and is edited to an excellent degree.

I was taken into the story from the off and enjoyed the sense of intrigue in not knowing why Elgiva was banished. The line 'I feel your innocence but there is blood on your head,' ratcheted my curiosity up several notches so I thought this element very well pitched.

Chapter two was also good with some nice tension in Elgiva hiding from the hunters. I smiled all the while as the men were talking to each other. I really have to work out how I can start using 'By Grimm, you saucy rogue,' in casual conversation ;-)

Some nice characterisation in the tender scene between Godwin and Elgiva in chapter three. The line, 'Godwin wore his maleness like an ill-fitting hat,' was both very telling and funny.

Only two nits:

- 'She shrugged resignedly' (chapter three). The adverb seems superfluous as shrugging is generally a gesture of resignation anyway.

- 'The hunters will be home long since.' Should it be 'will have been'?

A high stardard all round though and very enjoyable.

All the best with it,

Ross

I realize that "The Lorestone" is published but I went ahead and critiqued the first two chapters.

General comments: A touching start. An intriguing main character. Good descriptions. Good world-building. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) Your opening line hooked me.
2) What is Elgiva's emotional reaction when Derryth says he knows of Lord Bellic? I would guess that information would make Elgiva happy. However, as written, Elgiva has no emotional reaction. That makes her seems cold.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) ' ... Elgiva felt panic race through her veins.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' How does Elgiva's panic manifest itself? Consider describing the onset of the panic so the reader can experience it along with Elgiva. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'Elgiva felt' will be implied. You mentioned in your profile that you are writing the third book in this series. Consider doing a search in that manuscript for the word 'felt.'

I hope his critique is of some value to you. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you reshuffle your bookshelf at the end of the month.

Have a splendid day.

Al

Hi Carol,

This is a fine piece of writing. I have to confess that I never, ever read fantasy, just not my thing. But if anything could change my mind, this might be it! Kudos. Five stars.
Best,
Andi

I just read the first chapter of The Lorestone. The writing itself is polished to perfection.

I have not read much fantasy, but this was a breeze to read. The word "exile" in the first sentence is immediately compelling and builds intrigue, just as the phrase "servant's rags" in the next paragraph is vivid and paints a vibrant scene. Also, I appreciated Derryth and the importance of the trees. I don't know if wise, old trees are common elements in fantasy books, but I very much enjoyed this element of your opening. And it has roots (pun intended) all the way back to classic works of literature. You also do a great job of setting up what appears to be the major conflict of your book (i.e., Elgiva's struggle to survive by fitting in with a different race towards which she has preconceived notions). This is fine work. Based on this first chapter alone I've given you lots of stars and I look forward to reading more soon.

P.S. I don't think that the feel of slabs of cold stone would whisk me off to sleep, as I think they would jolt me awake. Now slabs of sun-drenched stone, on the other hand, sounds like a warm, dozy feeling that I could nod off to. Like a cat napping in the sun on a stone bench. Just a thought.

Carol.

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however comes from several fronts:

The poetic descriptions that keep poring in like a wonderful gangrene....lol

.....for there is a difference between describing...

......and creating atmosphere....

.......the later requires feeling....

.......and that you deliver in buckets

Then you have the detailed character descriptions.....

......that use language with surgical precision.....

.....creating that idiosyncratic feeling that all fantasies require

Finally, the parable like dialogue....

......providing that otherworldly feeling all fantasies need

And that's what makes you writing wonderful

Some of my favorites:

"The mist that lingered...."

"like the breath of winter"

"the black mane...."


Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"said brusquely"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

for ex: "a rush of panic quickened her pulse"
why not let the body language alone do the trick?
so that the word "panic" will be evoked on the reader's mind
without you having to label it

again here: "she felt the need for reverence....
then "she threw her arms around it"
why not let the gesture shine on it's own?
you work so hard at creating the poetic imagery,
why the need to preface it?

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

I like your story a great deal. I like the feeling between Elgiva and the horse, Alison, in the first chapter, and I very much like the tempo of that first chapter. The second chapter is more lively, but that does not make it better. It is well written, and polished sufficiently that I found no typos to point out.
The only suggestion I would make is that the horse's name is too mundane. 'Alison' is a name that belongs to eighty-year-old ladies, not magical horses that can speak. I think it needs to be a little more exotic, such as Alsion. Just a change in two letters, and it more suits the mood.
This is a very promising read, and I think it deserves to do well. To be backed and recommended. Marj.

The Lorestone has a plot that will have wide appeal and the story begins with a good hook.

This is written in 3rd person / multiple. Good characterization and exellent "feel". Action is a bit slow, but your voice doesn't overwhelm the story line.

However, IMO, the shifting POVs within the first Chapter are problematic. Shifting back and forth between the characters pulls me out of the story and from what I understand, editors look harshly on that technique. Once you are in one POV (one character's mindset) it is recommended to stay there until the character leaves the scene or you manage to pull away from the interior of the character's thoughts and then zoom into a different one. Usually POV shifts are best left to chapter breaks or new chapters.

Your mechanics are fine.

I think your pacing would improve with adjustments to POVs.

The imagery is lovely... truely! Nice work there!

This book shows a lot of promise and I'll keep it on my WL.
Raechel
Echo

Carol -

The Lorestone - I can see Elgiva standing on top of the hillock and turning to her friend, Alison, the Elf- horse. There are some lovely phrases. I wondered if Elgiva’s first action to toy with a strand of her hair had more significance than introducing its darkness, but at the end of chapter 2 I saw you linked it with the discovery of her blondness after the change. The terms ‘lone’ and ‘lost’ would have stronger impact if used only once. Re: sequencing, first Elgiva is on a hillock, then trudges on and suddenly she is among trees – a little sudden. In other places you could aim for more directness …She knew it was hard to talk to trees … consider … She found it hard to talk to trees … You use ‘she knew’ in other places, which distances the reader unnecessarily from Elgiva. And a note re: time … the food I brought with me is all gone … she only just walked down the hill. Then she shows the tree her amulet … but Derryth had senses beyond mere vision … a sudden change of p.o.v. in one paragraph. But the dialogue with the tree is great … ‘you must change’ … and … 'you must become a Saxon' … has impact.
Love the banter between Elric, Deor and Godwin in the second chapter and Elgiva making contact … she took his hand … and neither of them could have known that this simple joining of hands had joined their separate destinies. Lovely. In full swing now, the story got my attention. Well rated and I'll watch out for it, Pia

Hi, read two chapters.

Chapter one contains a lot of tell and less show which creates the feeling that you are discoursing to the reader.
Don't start the book with the word 'As'. I say this because an editor who critiqued some of my work told me it is the mark of an amateur. Editors and agents aparently, and wrongly in my opinion feel they can judge a book from the first few lines so I would change it.,

You are right though, in a way, because you do start with a story question and the reader wants to know who and where.

Take 'that' out of most sentences - another piece of advice from the same editor.

I would have started with chapter 2 which reads much better than chapter 1. You can 'drip-feed' the contents of chapter 1 into the story gradually over the first few chapters. I say this because chapter 2 is much better written than chapter 1!
I enjoyed reading this and will come back for more.
It has potential so I'm backing it.
Best to you.

Hi Carol,

Meant to say... lovely title. Although I thought at first this would be good as a older children's book - which it would judging from what is here - I also think it could be a very successful 'crossover' in the way that J K Rowling's books became. Good, healthy, acceptable material within a well-structured, focussed plot-line with thoroughly believable characters (elvish or otherwise) that is a great read for all.

Margaret

Wow! Thrilling stuff! The setting is absolutely right for your story, including the respect for vows kept and honour respected above all within a wild tribal situation. If more had been posted I would still be reading at dawn. Your battle scenes are particularly impressive, very fast and full of action and counteraction.

Oddly, I found the first chapter slightly weaker than the rest, or parts of it, for the talk with the oak tree was effective and the banter among the young hunters great. Does Elgiva bemoan her fate just a little too much? Or too often? Or could it be that you have included too much introspection very near the beginning in order to give background elements which might be better woven in another way? Or maybe Elgiva should be more angry as well as afraid and bewildered, which would give a sting to the opening. It isn't much, just... something slightly wan.

This shows every sign of being a great book and I would love to see it when it is finished. Will star and shelve with delight.

Margaret Woodward : The Devil's Bairn

An interesting read. The opening was particularly engaging but as the plot has not been defined in these early chapters, I've put this book on my watchlist to rate when I get a better feel for it. I thoroughly enjoyed the first six chapters but feel that Elgiva's personality needs to be stronger; perhaps this will be developed in the following chapters.

Cracking beginning with all the elements of a cracking story set up. And immaculately told. Your writing skills are all they should be and more! Will read more when I have stopped travelling. Margaret

Going on my watchlist to finish reading later. I have a feeling it will end up on my backed list as well. I love how you didn't start this with description of the world and the state it's in, (which seems to be the mark of a very new writer.) Instead you draw the reader into the world with the character and her dilemma. Good job, I'll be back for more.

The Lorestone - Elgiva, journeying for a short while in the company of a talking horse, has been cast out of Elvendom for treason. I wasn't sure if the mare actually spoke or if this was telepathic communication as is had with her next helper, Derryth, a fabulous and ancient oak tree. Derryth, hard not to draw a comparison to Ents, gives her advice and though it is not something she wants to do Elgiva sees the wisdom in it and employs an amulet to change her appearance to that of hated Saxons. Elgiva's transformation is handled very well, mainly shown through her compelling desire to seek out Wilthkin hunting nearby, despite her fear of them. And there is a big surprise in store when the reader learns Elgiva is guilty of murder. The description of a churl, Godwin, is very good and in chapter three he and Elgiva bond, giving each another a little of their backstories, which is a vehicle for readers who have little knowledge of the period the story is set in, an understanding of Saxon subjugation of indigenous tribes. We learn here, Godwin, when he was taken into slavery as a child had a sword he has been allowed to keep. Doubtless this is an indication the sword will be used later in the story.
In summary of the three chapters read - The writing is not only fluid there are some wonderful uses of language. For example: 'surely she is elf-shot' - 'watched him from the tail of her eye'. The story doesn't meander but slowly unfolds keeping the reader's interest with ease as revelations are made and the biggest hooks remain hidden, whom did Elgiva murder and why? What treason has she committed? This is a story young adults and possibly even younger children will enjoy.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Dear Carole,
I opened this with trepedation. I'm not a fantasy reader. You, however, drew me right in with your absolute lovely use of language. The way you put words together is a gift, your words create pictures and feelings. I loved too the tree, his voice like dark waters under the earth. I think I must have been a Druid because I wanted to hug that tree, protect it. You have the makings of a lovely story, a timeless one, I think. Best of luck. I'll back soon and shower it with stars.
Caroline
Summer Rose
PS Your prose is some of the loveliest I've read here.

A vivid imagination and an easy writing style brings the world you've created to life in a delightful way. Elgiva is an engaging heroine who captures our heart from the first. Her friends are equally delightful and the story progresses well through good dialogue and strong imagery. If the rest is as good as the chapters you have posted here, it should be in the bookshops very soon.
My shelf is full at present and I am committed to the books already on it. But I have put this on my WL and sprinkled many stars its way.
Lots of luck with it.

Anglo-Saxon period in the British History is a significant chapter. Life during that period would be feeling as myth, because of the life style of people. Your novel has led me to that period. I forgot myself when reading your novel. **** rated.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

LORESTONE

Dear Carol,
I throughly enjoyed being completely transported to another world.I was right with Elgiva, she is a real person. The rhythm of your sentences work well because you vary their length.
I am pleased to back this book.
A Zoomer

I love that your able to transport the reader into the world you have created, the dialogue is imaginative and the imagery conveyed both descriptive and believable:) This is truly excellent!

I very much enjoyed reading the first two chapters of this book. It is not a genre I am familiar with but I think you write well and the characters seem very real. I hope you have success with this. I note you are already selfpublished so will not offer any edits. I thnk your first sentence is fine. Best wishes.

Your descriptive and imaginative writing and well written dialogue should ensure that your fantasy appeals to the young adult audience, I like your character development of Elgiva and the pace of your story flows nicely. What you have decided to post so far is well done. I have given you a high star rating. Space should open up on my shelf in the next couple of weeks or so and I will back your book then.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The Lorestone

The Imagery and dialogue are partiularly good. The writer has a great imagination and is able to put it into words and entertain the reader.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark '

Wonderful worldbuilding, a must in a fantasy world, and you have done it cleverly through dialogue. The pace flows quite well, and I'm enjoying the character development of Elgiva. I like the mix of reality and fantasy, a novel approach (no pun intended)

Great read! Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Carol,

I can't imagine what voices of 500AD would sound like...and after 2 chapters, I'm not sure you indicate that. But your dialogue works, in that it progresses the plot. It is a lovely story, somewhat fairytale-like. And suited to something that is magical. I wonder if this is aimed at the Young Adult reader? Your sentences are short and easy to read. Your prose has rhythm, and sounds pretty polished so far.

I realise that you have already self-published, but I wonder if character could be better developed. At the moment, our little elf friend, Elgiva seems a tad two dimentional.

Backed and starred.

Thanks for backing God of the Cocoa, and for you lovely comments.

By the way, if you click "reply", the message remains in your comments box. If you click "send message" it goes to the person you are sending it to.

Best wishes, and keep writing.

Marilyn

Many thanks for your helpful comments, Blueboy. I can't do any editing to the manuscript, though, as it is already a printed book. However, only self-published, so can perhaps be polished in the future. It suffers from the fact that I wrote it 22 years ago and I hope I have developed a better writing style over the years.

I use 'memorise' because I am English!

I'm quite happy with the first line: it establishes from the outset that the main character is an exile. I hope the reader might like to find out why.

Thanks again.

You have a wonderful imagination, and interesting premise. Great job there. However, this could use a good polishing. You make the common mistake of dissecting your scenes down. It seems to be something of a habit with you, so just be careful. The tendency can make the read wordy and choppy if left to run amok.

Dialogue is another issue for you. Try to make it as conversational as possible. Yours tends to get a bit too formal and elongated at times. I think you are trying too hard. Don’t think too much into it. Let the dialogue flow in a natural speech pattern and it will be more believable.


tried to “memorize” her appearance…


I was looking through you first chapter trying to find a better first line for you. Your first line is very important and needs to rally grab the reader and hold on. I found nothing verbatim that stood out, but drawing from the material on hand I think something along the lines of

“Elgiva surveyed the landscape and sighed in resignation.”

might work to draw the reader in and make them more curious about what is going on. It makes the reader wonder a bit more what is going on. Then you can weave in the back material as you go along. Start your narrative more actively. Avoid over writing, and/or giving too much away. It makes the read more interesting when you leave some of the motivation out, and work to balance revealed cause and affect. Connecting more of your narrative elements together and changing up your sentence structures a bit more will for a insure a more fluid read and natural story telling voice. All and all a very promising read and I enjoyed it. I hiope this feedback is helpful when you edit. goodluck with your manuscript.

Please read some of my book when you have time and let me know what you think.



blueboy

Dear Carol, I love that you took me back to 500AD & you put me right there with Eliva in your story to feel what she was feeling. :) Your pitch beckoned me to keep reading all of the way through chapter 4. :) I love the little elf & the pony :) - it's always great to have friends on quests, that's for sure. :) I was also glad the the spell would be broken. :) Nice crisp dialogue & paragraphs made for a nice read. :) I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 12 hours later :)