The Coven

Chapters 8 onwards –

I think now you have hit your stride, this gets better and better, and I really feel like I am involved in the actual plot, and right there with the characters. I didn’t have to go back and read much to remember where I was, which is testament to the strength of the writing up to that point. It’s nicely paced, very imaginative, and a lot of fun to read. Once you aren’t having to set the scene as it were, your writing is very fluid, you tell the story with just the right amount of momentum and description.

I am particularly liking the way the relationships are developing, especially between Kriz, and Guy and Adele. I am still not quite sure what Guy thinks about Kriz, he seems almost affectionate (if a bit patronising) sometimes in the base, but goes back to being full-on arsy when they go on the mission, then kind of nice again after they kill the demon. Kriz being constantly chased after by Adelle is highly amusing, his reactions to her advances are absolutely perfect, he seems so indignant all the time! (I am kind of rooting for her though, lol).

The way that you build the tension and create ‘hooks’ with what Mandy says about candle hands and angels is also very good and very effective. It’s clear enough to know that something quite different is coming up without being too mysterious or vague. I like the way this isn’t resolved immediately, a nice slow burn to the tension simmering under the surface (with reminders as we go along), and his weapons are awesome. Very manga, very cool idea.

Fight scene – brilliant as usual. Love the way that Kriz’s character and his reactions to the whole demon/coven business really affects the way he acts, and the imagery of the possession and the victims are very graphic and nicely done.

Final training! OMG, 100th cut ends him? Nice nice nice! This scene was just plain awesome, it builds up perfectly, the switching POV between the fight itself and the people watching I liked a lot too. The middle was pacy and exciting, and the resolution of the scene – spot on. As a reader I was expecting him to get to 99 then win, but it’s not always about being unpredictable, it’s about meeting expectations, and you do it here with extraordinary finesse. Again, it’s things like this that stop the story being at all Disney or cute too.

I’m not 100% sold on the baby blue and barley straw for eyes and hair, but hey ho.

Oooh, Candy Eyes… Bit of a cliffhanger, lol. Let me know when you update!

Dear Dan, reminds of one of the best books that I read about five years ago. Called the Black Alchemist. A sense of barrenness across a baroque description of beauty. This really is a well written book. I was more than drawn by your mystifying story, that seemed sad but written strong with a sense of passion that really portrays your characters well. It was a pleasure to turn every page. Good luck and best wishes with your book. Backed with pleasure. Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

I loved this! It has a very `gothic` feel: dark places, supernatural themes, but is still sassy & modern enough to appeal to young adult readers.
Backed with pleasure.
Ruth
x

Hey, Dan

Oh, I'm loving the revised version of the Coven. Gripping plot and spot on characterisation. Only a matter of time before you get that book deal and join me on the signing circuit, I reckon! (Just don't start outselling me, alright?)

Happy days

THE COVEN

Now I know what modern gothic supernatural looks like! (Watch your use of !.)
Love the characters and dialogue. Maybe a little more setting.
Fully starred and backed.
A Zoomer

Right DA, here’s my long-ago promised crit. Do take everything I say with a pinch of salt, it’s all just one guy’s impressions. Don’t hesitate to bite back on my own scribbles. I’m no specialist of teen urban fantasy, so I’m not at all sure whether these comments will be useful, but here goes.

Overall, I like your writing. It’s fluid and clear and very lyrical in places. It’s high-end writing but, I think, without going so far as to alienate teen readers. I think that’s very, very promising. I’m sure a full edit may help, but I have no nitpicks at all.

1. The prologue is very short and very atmospheric, but I felt it was too short. I’m sure you can “see” your characters, but I didn’t quite get to do so. That was a little frustrating, because it is clear from that little bit of banter that the members of the Coven have a multitude of views about what they do. I’d like a little more information there.

2. Kriztian comes across as an interesting and very likeable lad. I have a few points for clarity and consistency in your opening portrait of him. Why the usual spelling, by the way? Will we find out later? OK, he’s sleepy with the heat but he seems far too sensible and mature later (cooking for his family) to be the type of kid that would be so befuddled in class. If indeed he is so befuddled, the descriptive sharpness of the narrative does not suit. The narration seems very detached from K’s POV. In my view, especially for teen novels, the reader will want to be right inside K’s head. On the other hand, if K was very aware of his surroundings, that would suit with the mature lad described later. I don’t know if that comment makes much sense, but those are my impressions.

3. Having read chapter 2, I come back to this point. Yes, the heat is important. Therefore it needs flagging up a little more that K’s sensation of heat is internal rather than external, that his dozing away was not right in some unknown way. Other things around him are not as summery as they seem to him. That would help bring on a sense of something being wrong. Perhaps he should already be a little feverish when Anne catches up with him, or a little surprised that he feels the weather to be so hot.

4. I think K’s relationship with Anne is slightly strange. I like the fact that they are friends of many years and have more of a siblings relationship than a dating one. Their warm dialogue suits. However, both are described as rather tall, hence well developed, and I can’t help but think that K would be quite embarrassed by Anne’s hug and her general demonstrativeness. Their relationship is being overtaken by their development, and he in particular at that age will be struggling with that. This becomes more apparent in Chapter 2, but I think it could be flagged a little earlier – perhaps tied in with the sensation of being ... hot under the collar?

5. Again, this is just an impression, but for a recently bereaved family, these guys are holding out very well and K in particular is very impressive in stepping up to be the new man of the house and looking after his family. He has a lovely relationship with his younger sister and his mum. He is being very mature, and that much contradicts the Coven’s dismissive suggestion he’d be whiny. Perhaps a little more angst, however? Don’t change the fact that he is holding the family together, on the contrary that’s great and should be emphasised as it is so refreshingly different from usual teen MCs, but I think there would be a lot more tension in the interaction with the rest of family, even if held under. K’s quiet moment of grief on the other hand was very real and very well done, but a bit startling in its suddenness. Although that is, I suppose, precisely the point.

6. A quick interlude with Guy and Michiru. Too quick, I want to know more! However, shouldn’t they be a little worried? Later on, we learn they are concerned by the development and nature of K’s powers. Even though nothing happens whilst K and A watch movies, the Coven guys should perhaps give the impression they are watching a timebomb tick, rather than just being bored.

7. Ooo, I love that swipe at Twilight. Big grin!

8. Ah! We’re in Chester. You know, it’s taken a while to find a feeling of place, teens being such international creatures ... I had assumed that we were in the UK from the school uniform references (blazer and tie) and also from Anne being described as being from down South, but perhaps a sense of place was lacking. Nice gothic setting BTW, a decrepit house. Mansions in Chester ... hmm ... is this one well isolated out of town or in one of the posh streets? Might help to place the setting a bit more as this place is clearly important to the pair. Barbed wire? Bit clichéd. How about those big metal fencing panels used on building and demolition sites? They always have a mixture of forbiddingness and dreariness about them. Does this locale have much relevance to them in the end? Having got there, they just leave ...

9. Good fight scene (what no reveal of powers?) but one thing jars: if indeed there’s a broken arm and if indeed K & A waited for the authorities, I have my doubts as to whether they’d be able to carry on shopping that day. Don’t know about you, but the coppers might not be so understanding. We’re talking GBH here. This episode jars a little. As does the way K and A just seem to take it all in their stride afterwards. Is K usually that good in a fight? Does he often get in fights? The aftermath of a serious fight (coppers or no coppers) tends also to be a serious adrenaline high and an ensuing big downer. Shopping somehow doesn’t seem to fit.

10. Aha, that relationship is changing somewhat ... funny what a fight can lead to, eh? However, I’d expect that sort of reaction to be soon after the fight, in the adrenaline high, not so much later. Emphasise the contrast with the previous sibling-type relationship, as this is a momentous change. Does K welcome it or does he fear the change? How does that reflect back to earlier episodes?

11. Darn monsters always interrupt when things are about to get interesting. There’s no need to mention realising consequences of staying put. There a monster in Chester. Of course you run! No need to discuss it!

12. K’s being very heroic there too, but more about this sudden feeling he could fight the beast please! This is a pivotal moment, of powers bubbling to the fore (as explained in the next chapter) but then he just waits for death? No! Let him deflect at least one attack, then be bewildered by his success – that’s when the Coven should drop in, when the monster becomes irrelevant to K who is utterly shocked by what’s happening to him.

This is getting really good now, but I think I should come back for more later. This is a great read, I’ve much enjoyed it. One thing I’d say for the purposes of editing: keep it brief and to the point. There’s a little slack that can be trimmed here and there. There are places where a little more info is needed to have a coherent thread from scene to scene. But this is really, really good. Best of luck with it.

Cheers, TRM

Teens will love this.

Backed Coven. We thought we had shelved your book before. could not find a record of it so decided to read, comment and shelve. We really enjoyed your modern gothic tale. We love anything supernatural or paranormal.
CC Brown

Great stuff-love the whole supernatural element of others watching the boy. Makes me want to turn the page. Only criticism is the swear words-I personally don't care, but if you are marketing this to young adults, I'm assuming you want a place like scholastic to pick up your manuscript and sell it at the school book fairs. They probably will be turned off by the language from the onset of the story. Would recommend to my teenage daugher-great job.

I like your short and direct description. Also love horror and witchcraft. Backed! If time, would appreciate your insight on my 33 or Halo of the Damned, Dina

Chapters 8 onwards –

I think now you have hit your stride, this gets better and better, and I really feel like I am involved in the actual plot, and right there with the characters. I didn’t have to go back and read much to remember where I was, which is testament to the strength of the writing up to that point. It’s nicely paced, very imaginative, and a lot of fun to read. Once you aren’t having to set the scene as it were, your writing is very fluid, you tell the story with just the right amount of momentum and description.

I am particularly liking the way the relationships are developing, especially between Kriz, and Guy and Adele. I am still not quite sure what Guy thinks about Kriz, he seems almost affectionate (if a bit patronising) sometimes in the base, but goes back to being full-on arsy when they go on the mission, then kind of nice again after they kill the demon. Kriz being constantly chased after by Adelle is highly amusing, his reactions to her advances are absolutely perfect, he seems so indignant all the time! (I am kind of rooting for her though, lol).

The way that you build the tension and create ‘hooks’ with what Mandy says about candle hands and angels is also very good and very effective. It’s clear enough to know that something quite different is coming up without being too mysterious or vague. I like the way this isn’t resolved immediately, a nice slow burn to the tension simmering under the surface (with reminders as we go along), and his weapons are awesome. Very manga, very cool idea.

Fight scene – brilliant as usual. Love the way that Kriz’s character and his reactions to the whole demon/coven business really affects the way he acts, and the imagery of the possession and the victims are very graphic and nicely done.

Final training! OMG, 100th cut ends him? Nice nice nice! This scene was just plain awesome, it builds up perfectly, the switching POV between the fight itself and the people watching I liked a lot too. The middle was pacy and exciting, and the resolution of the scene – spot on. As a reader I was expecting him to get to 99 then win, but it’s not always about being unpredictable, it’s about meeting expectations, and you do it here with extraordinary finesse. Again, it’s things like this that stop the story being at all Disney or cute too.

I’m not 100% sold on the baby blue and barley straw for eyes and hair, but hey ho.

Oooh, Candy Eyes… Bit of a cliffhanger, lol. Let me know when you update!

Dear Dan, reminds of one of the best books that I read about five years ago. Called the Black Alchemist. A sense of barrenness across a baroque description of beauty. This really is a well written book. I was more than drawn by your mystifying story, that seemed sad but written strong with a sense of passion that really portrays your characters well. It was a pleasure to turn every page. Good luck and best wishes with your book. Backed with pleasure. Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

The Coven Notes.

I liked the premise, I warmed to Kriztian, and thought there was a nice dynamic between hm and his sister, and a slightly puzzling one between him and Anne (and none the worse for it not being the usual). The writing is clear and seems to know where it is going. The first chapter has a strong finish, with the mystery of the watchers tying in to the prologue and something that Kriztian does not yet know about himself. The relationships develop nicely in chapter two, with a little more depth given to the male and female leads and their slowly burgeoning relationship. Again, the watchers are developed nicely, and I liked the way that their backstory was implicit rather than explicit. Another strong finish to a chapter, with a good hook to keep the reader reading on.

One big slew of opinionated ramble follows; please feel free to ignore anything that doesn't fit with your own opinions. Please note, when I recognise things, it is often because I do it too.

Much of my notes are based on the assumption that you are intending to write commercial fiction rather than literary fiction. In literary fiction, everyone seems to be striving for a unique voice; commercial fiction has different criteria, and though an author of commercial fiction may have a distinctive voice, this is not necessarily the be-all and end-all, in some cases it seems more of a hindrance than anything.

Most adjectives should be used because you need an adjective in that place, not because you have a head full of them and have to put them somewhere. This may be very different from the way literary fiction is constructed, but you can write just as well, and with 20% less effort than the people who need to demonstrate their word-savvy-ness all the time.

I have an aversion to prologues, fortunately yours is short enough that I didn't have time to start shuddering before I got to the end. I will ask my standard question though: is it really necessary? Balance the discovery element in the text against preparing the reader for what is to come, and I usually feel that it is more fun to have the surprises in the text than to feel prepared for them . . .

Chapter 1.

This seems a tad over-written in places, for example:
In an explosion of frustration at the weather, Kriztian shrugged his blazer off and tore his tie away.
My memory is not what it was (but then it never has been), as I recall boys at that age get lethargic at the least excuse, hot weather sending them into a torpor, this seems overly dramatised.

It seems to take Kriztian an implausibly long time to recognise his best friend, even if his bangs are obscuring one eye. I would have thought recognition would be near instantaneous. By the by, do boys think of their hair as hanging in 'bangs'? I guess my generation were far less fashion conscious, shucks, our TV was steam-powered.

"Hey Anne," he said when Anne--one of these Annes seems superfluous.

. . . a union of maturity and childishness . . . The whole of this passage did not ring true; we are in a close third person relationship to Kriztian, and the words should reflect Kriztian's thoughts and vocabulary, and the way he would structure his observations. This seemed out of kilter, somehow.

Most fifteen year old boys I've known would be inclined to treat behaviour like Anne's as sending mixed messages, if she is a friend, and would be disinclined to hug her back, unless they thought it was a different sort of relationship. They would at least be likely to be uncomfortable.

. . . a serious expression beset her complexion. Hmm . . .

even her eyes were a strange trait (displayed a strange trait / were odd / unusual / unique / individual)

the heat had subsequently (to what?--I don't think you need subsequently at all) melted his brain

I was unsure about an apologetic frown, hung his head apologetically?

wobble stiffly was close to oxymoronic, can you think of an alternative to wobble that you are happy with? Vibrate?

silence presided, a third companion to them both--again this paragraph felt a little overwritten.

The estate was relatively young (new?)

I wasn't sure how Kriztian could bump her chin up childishly whilst embracing her . . .

earned as a coping mechanism--I wasn't overly fond of earned in this context. Also, maybe make a point of the fact that the childishness is restricted rather than a generalised regression??? Assuming that's the case.

If I referred to a thirteen year old as a little girl I would be ducking, then running . . .

"You okay, Kriz?" whispered Emma. It is obvious who is asking from context. I'd be tempted to introduce her name earlier, but this is fine, just no need to belabour the point.

sharp yet undefined nose may be just a reach too far, though I appreciate the idea behind it, I have a problem visualising it.

Whose face is the smile illuminating?

a head lined by pain and worry, again, I had a problem trying to visualise what was meant here.

for a little bit--in a little bit. I wasn't sure if Mr James was mocking Kriztian here. Using the repetition would work better, for me, anyway, if you made the second iteration obviously conscious, punctuating it so as to show a pause before --in a little bit would point that up.

you don't need the so-called before Ashborne Bolognese, especially if you put it in quotes.

and was presently pouring spaghetti . . . I don't think you need presently here. It seemed like a superfluity and an Americanism, unless you really want to preserve it for the alliteration.

the former first, 'the former' seemed a little stiff and formal as I was reading.

warm red sauce and mince? Has he heated up ketchup and mixed it with mince?

I think of spaghetti as strands rather than rods, no biggie, but it gave me pause--perhaps if you qualify the rods as rigid or stiff, or whatever? and the rigid rods of pale spaghetti as they softened and fell limp. Sounds a bit, well, yes, hmm. But it may reflect Kriztian's ambiguous feelings towards Anne (if they are ambiguous). Pasta metaphors, I'm sure there's a lot of that in Italy.

depressing thought trains--train(s) of thought?

A woman marred by premature greys . . Marred seems a trifle strong here.

Rare was the occasion where (when?) any of the . . . this turn of phrase has an archaic feel and seemed out of place.

"Ahh, the technicalities." His mother shook her head in mock-rebuke???

Rebellious dust seemed a bit of a stretch.

like they were naught more than the pennies . . . If this is northern, then nowt would not feel out of place, I wasn't sure about naught.

Anne's probing, motherly eyes--motherly?

peering partially through hair . . . qualifiers like partially will eviscerate a sentence, best avoided unless absolutely necessary (unless used for comic effect).

Considering it and Anne--is Christian giving way to self-pity here? if so, could it be pointed up more, that he is reluctant to be consoled?

stretching curled up?

. . . where (a) blond-haired giant of a man . . .

Chapter 2.

. . . an atmosphere that all but promised . . . the 'all but' qualifies the sentence into a bit of a null--I'd cut it.

. . . and the poor hapless wanderer(s?) of the streets . . .

. . . for the purpose of a nightshirt. Purpose doesn't quite seem the right word here.

. . . whilst (as?) he brushed past her.

bangs refers to the fringe, but the water is dripping down his neck, this puzzled me.

I would have thought the pink umbrella is more likely to hurt Kriztian's pride than his eyes?

. . . it was highly unlikely to move at all. I guess you're talking about the wetness here, but it seems awkwardly phrased.

"I'unno . . ." This seemed a little bit of an unusual contraction, though the sense is obvious.

He got up in the early afternoon, now there is the blink of headlights to contend with, but nothing has indicated the passing of time, is it dark now? I'm assuming this is in summer as yesterday was very hot, if it is dark, it must be much later, has he seen his family during the course of his birthday? Questions questions questions . . . What am I like?

Tucked beneath his arm, they walked in their usual silence. Are they walking tucked beneath his arm?

. . . the blockade of water that shielded their eyes. Hmm.

The shadow grew into focus . . . This doesn't seem to depict the way that things appear in the rain.

more integral to the structure than (the?) original adhesive. Hmm.

Kids find a way into places like that--well, we always did. That mansion would surely be tempting enough for the two of them to have gone exploring? No?

Eight Celsius is bloomin' cold, even for a British Summer, that's a cold night . . .

. . . but you had a track record to (too), when we found you.

. . . the bullies(,) from personal experience.

. . . she gestured angrily to (the) most injured of the three.

I thought Kriztian was a little too cocky and cold-blooded in his attitude to breaking someone's arm, even if it was a bullying thug. Be careful that you don't alienate readers by breaking the bonds of sympathy.

. . . for a princess you sure are flippant . . . It didn't seem to me that she was being flippant at all, though he is. Was this irony?

They would almost certainly have spent some time helping the police with their inquiries after an incident like this.

If you live on an estate, especially all your life, you are unlikely to be aware of the need to navigate, you just know where things are and seldom if ever question it.

have you been slipping vodka behind my back? ???

"What's gotten into TO you then?"

The next few bits of dialogue seem a little confused, I wasn't quite sure who was supposed to be saying what, it seemed like an editing artefact.

I would call an alleyway narrow rather than thin.

Gleaming red (eyes?) noticed them, tracked their movements.

Sudden spinning and pounding . . . Hmm. And I thought milliseconds was a little too clinical in tone here--moments?

Panicked instincts are unlikely to surmise, a word that tends to indicate reflective thought, also, their common sense would most likely not have kicked in to tell them it would have more stamina, that is more likely to be their fear.

. . . into something of a little lost girl face with death. ???

I was unsure of high-pitched footsteps, it sort of works, but is an unusual coinage and it gave me pause, taking me out of the narrative.

Mercifully, it didn't seem interested in losing a victim. That means it would be interested in NOT losing a victim, which is the opposite of what you are saying here.

A great start to what seems to like a very intriguing story. You have a great writing style, the first couple of chapters are very engaging with vivid descriptions. You introduce and develop your characters and their relationships very well and the dialogue is very natural and witty. There is a real sense of mystery from the start and I thoroughly enjoyed what I read.
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Okay, i read the first two chapters... though I can hardly consider the first part a chapter, so ill just say the first two parts. Your detail is pretty insane! I especially loved the ones around the very beginning, when he's heading out of the school. Very inventive. I also love how you introduce your characters, as well as conflicts and personalities. I love Anne, mostly because she reminds me of... well, me, in a lot of ways.

On the last part, my instant thought was "Eep! Stalkers!", but the very last line made me wonder what they were talking about, so it made me want to turn the page... well, click the next page. I don't have time for it (yet) but i will get back and read some more of it.

Great so far, keep up the good work!

-Rachelle
Secrets--Book One: To Save Ella

I loved this! It has a very `gothic` feel: dark places, supernatural themes, but is still sassy & modern enough to appeal to young adult readers.
Backed with pleasure.
Ruth
x

Hi Dan,

This has lots of appeal. I could see this as a TV series/film too and I think you'd have quite a following. I have read the first chapter and will add to my WL.

Best wishes and good luck, Claire

This is very exuberant. I can tell you love writing and this story is clearly well thought out. The prologue is short and punchy and I really liked it was all dialogue and the reader had to infer the context. Contrast that with the opening two chapters, which are bogged down with too much description and back story - making the read a bit slow. My suggestion would be to cut a lot of the long paragraphs and convey more of the back story through dialogue. I would also cut a lot of the character description - lots of eye colour and hair mentioned. Chocolate eyes is a well used description and a bit of a cliche, so would avoid using it. In terms of the premise, it did remind me a little of heroes and I found the monster appearing a little over the top. I like the body temperature hints they are more subtle. I noticed a use of hospital/clinical metaphors, so maybe cut them back a bit. Also look at POV, it is written in close third, I think, so would he describe his own eye colour? It is a fun read, but needs refining. Hope my comments of some use. Jake

Hey, Dan

Oh, I'm loving the revised version of the Coven. Gripping plot and spot on characterisation. Only a matter of time before you get that book deal and join me on the signing circuit, I reckon! (Just don't start outselling me, alright?)

Happy days

THE COVEN

Now I know what modern gothic supernatural looks like! (Watch your use of !.)
Love the characters and dialogue. Maybe a little more setting.
Fully starred and backed.
A Zoomer

I just love this book. Brilliant. Loads of ****'s coming your way.

Alex
x

You really capture the feel of high school in the opening paragraphs.

Kriztian is easy to identify with

The dialogue is fun. We get to know Kriztian and Anne. Like them both

I still remember the prologue--the tension is creates carries through ch 1, as we wait for something to happen

Emma's another likable character

When mom comes home, their past, their relationships start to open up

Then the ominous men after the section break--reintroducing that tension

Solid chapter. This is really well written. You've made a lot of good choices.

Your horror fantasy for young adults is well written and I do like it. The dialogue is tight and realistic, the pace of your story flows well and your character development is excellent. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning