The Godchild

Hi,

Overall, the writing is very good. It's fluid, introduces the characters well and moves the story along at a good pace. I also liked the humorous touches you included (calling the child “Goldilocks”, and her irritation over being "attacked" by the basket, for example).

One thing I found a little strange was the mother's reaction to the child once she brought it home. It was not at all what I expected, especially since she reacted so strongly when she found the baby in the first place. I know towards the end of the chapter you say she was jealous and also senses something “off” about the baby...maybe it would help to include that information earlier, so that we understand where her callousness comes from and can then relate better to her.

I think it's the father who refers to his wife as "mama", but I found this confusing, as I kept thinking it was Sable who was speaking rather than the father. Maybe you should include tags after the dialogue in order to clarify that.

Nice beginning to your story. You ended it in a way that makes the reader want to move on with it. :)

Dyane
The Eagle's Gift
The Purple Morrow

I read your first chapter.

General comments: A captivating start. Intriguing characters. Vivid visuals. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) An equally golden-haired mother smiled indulgently, "the rocks, my dear?" Period after 'indulgently' and capitalize 'the.'
2) "Demona. How about?," Delete the comma after 'about.'
3) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helpd you to further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire" and keep it in mind when you next reshuffle your bookshelf?

Have a splendid day.

Al

PS: I notice you have John's "Walk to Paradise Garden" on your bookshelf. I've had his wonderful book on my shelf for six months. I'm so happy for him that Harper Collins will be reviewing it.

I like the voice that's established in this opening. "No, mama! The creature in the fruit basket!" I chuckled at that line. Nice last line for the opening, too. "Sable still hadn't moved." This tells me there's going to be an issue with this girl. Nice foreshadowing. It will be interesting to see if the dad continues to be enthralled by Calista and what this does with Sable.

The exchange between the mom and dad as they name the baby girl was excellent. No tags, perfect pacing, humorous. This is outstanding dialogue.

You have a natural gift of writing. Your sentences are polished and quick-moving. This made for a quick, enjoyable read.

The quick shift into the past with Victor's mom felt a bit jarring, but I quickly became connected to this storyline as Calista is instantly sympathetic and I'm curious about what happened to her. From the pitch, I see this is going to happen over and over. I'm curious to see how you tie this all together. What a unique premise! There's a ton of intrigue in here. Nicely done!

Suggestions: There's a bit of telling in these opening chapters that would be stronger if rewritten. For example, sentences such as, "It was a quiet, overcast evening..." and "It was the type of weather..." Careful with how many adverbs you use. There are some really strong ones in here, but quite a few of them don't really add any value. Your writing is better without most of them. Though you effectively move between perspectives, I wonder if this would be stronger if you stuck to one? Just a thought.

Typos: Should be: "Skeptically, Mama peered over the rocks obstructing her view of her daughter's tormentor and gasped..." Make sure you trim away those unnecessary words; it slows down your otherwise excellent narrative. You don't need a comma after the question mark in "How about it?," I see you haven't named the town. Have you since posting these chapters?

This is a solid start from a talented writer. I definitely recommend checking this one out!

This is a good chapter, starting off with a little tantrum-prone girl finding a basket floating in the water. Like in the Moses tale, the basket has a baby inside. But this time it is a little baby girl. I liked how Sable wasn't so enamoured with the baby, and was annoyed with her mother for not paying her enough attention. Victor is right, Sable will most likely succumb to jealousy, and without him even knowing she has already shown these traits. I also liked how you described Sable as a type of goldilocks character-a soggy Goldilocks at that.

Out of all the characters in chapter 1 Victor is by far the nicest, the only one with a pure heart. The way he's willing to take someone else's baby into his home is lovely. I can see his wife's concerns with the money, but she does seem a lot less likeable character. BUT she is practical, I give here that, and her reactions are perfectly understandable. Hell, the child isn't hers. And I understood her words to her husband, as I studied Italian. She said, "My husband is stupid."

Calista is definitely an interesting character, and I like your pitch. The story is original and has an interesting spin on reincarnation.

I will comment on chapter 2 when I get some more time. All the best, Marita.

Dear Jejune, I have just finished reading chapter four of your fine and well thought out novel. You have a wonderful way with descriptive dialogue and characterization, which helps carry the story along. Although your information in intricate, I think it adds to the weight of a young adult audience , rather than young children, but nevertheless, there was nothing that needed addressing immediately. Other's comments might lead you to a different path, but remember their journey is as just! as yours. So follow your heart, and from what I found in your writing. You won't have far to go. Good luck and best wishes, backed, backed, backed. Take care. Carl, [ Cicuta, Arcane ].

I'm in ch 9. Here are my notes:

Some intense imagery

the amor is interesting, it's history, it's purpose

a lot has transpired in this story--i can feel it

section break

transported now. the relief is palpable, not to be where we were

section break

interesting characters: Caleb and Calista--interesting world

section break

I'm learning the rules of the world

section break

the story progresses with the dialogue, the characters are revealed

I've never read a goat fish before, new image for me


The opening of this chapter was very tense. it introduced a host of questions. i wanted to read to find the answers. i think the imagery and tension around the amor were the strongest elements of ch 9.

The world is itself has been created by countless hours of you being lost in it, I can tell.

Very interesting picth that immediately has me wanting to know more.
I would maybe work a little on the opening paragraph- I like all your questions but they are a bit too much to consider all at once. It starts getting really interesting when you talk about the newborn girl being discovered. I know it would be REALLY hard to do this because every word will feel precious and important, but if there was a way to cut down everything before that point and minimise it to even just three or four lines, I think it would be a lot better. All the questions and philosophising about light and dark and heaven and hell are fascinating and would perhaps need to be worked in somewhere else, but for me, I am interested in meeting a character asap. I LOVE the whole bit about the baby and Sable, such a great scene and complex characters created so cleverly. There is something very entracing about the end of the first chapter. It definitely leaves the reader wanting more. Skimming the start of chapter 2 I am a bit confused as to whether this is the same Calista or a new one? But maybe I just need to read on!
Karen

The pitch is very promising, and Chapter One does not disappoint. It's a great start - pulls the reader in with mystery, jealousy, and the portent of disaster.
Will be back to read more. Best of luck with this.
Vickie (Barely a Trace)

The Godchild - a good mix of prose and dialogue that gives a good pace to your story. Congratulations on your writing which shows a maturity. Backed with pleasure.

Best wishes
Paul Barr
All In One Week
Cross My Path

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Calista. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. I have given you a high star rating. Space should open up on my shelf in the next couple of days and I will back your book then.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The Godchild - I am not sure young adults would appreciate some of the suppositions preceding the story but would very likely enjoy the description of demon physiology that follows it. The writer's prose has a lyrical quality about it. In the first chapter, the description of finding a baby, Sable's immediate jealousy, the mother being pulled to the child and yet fearing her together with Victor's fascination with her is extremely well done. I particularly liked this phrase 'a power so subtle it was an invisible dictatorship.' Any parent would agree with that. Then going back in time, Calista born with the face of a gargoyle, sold to a master metalworker to learn the trade was intriguing. Definite hooks to draw the reader on, as was her seeming isolation in the family's castle. The villages acceptance of continual huffing (bellows working?) and deftly turning this to their financial advantage by taking tourists to view it, was amusing and well observed. However, the author did not make it clear demons were not superstitions taken on board by the villagers, but actually moved among them. This only became clear when Caedo turned up at the castle with a proposition and Calista's lack of surprise. I then asked myself why she would accept the commission offered, knowing what demons are capable of and a likely outcome. The commission is for Calista to make four hundred swords in an extremely limited period of time. My thought on this is that the author would do well to consider the realism of this as no one, unless they had some kind of magic, could make such a quantity, let alone quality weapons in the timeframe mentioned. Having fixed on the number it is later mentioned Arroyo only had three. I found this rather confusing.
With some checking for holes in the story, editing and polishing this could very well be a great success.

Child - Atramentus Speaks.

Jejuna,
Well, I think you are wrong. You most definately have found your voice.

I read the first 6 chapters and would have happily read more. Sadly, I have things to attend to today, but I do intend to revisit this so I can read the rest.This is a fascinating story!

I can tell by the first sentence if I plan to read the first chapter, and then if I like the first chapter I will generally purchase the book. In all seriouseness I would purchase this book. The story is compelling. The tangled web of Calista's life is fascinating. I am deeply interested in discovering what becomes of her and her tormentor Sable.

The only minor issue I would point out would be your tense in the first paragrapah. "Imagine the sun "won't" it should be woundn't, though I would use would not as you use "wounldn't" in the next sentence.

I also noticed that you need to settle upon a name for the Italian villiage they are all from. It is funny because I have used **** to fill in a space for a name, place or translation until I can come back to it. Nice to know I am not the only one.

This is very well written. I would encourage you to submit this. The fantasy genre for young adults is in demand right now. You should not have a problem with publication.

Let me know if you have any questions about queries and such.

Best of luck to you.
Sincerely,
Sharon Van Orman

I'm rating your story 6 stars. I'm really impressed, first with the language you use. They are beyond your years--you seem to be an old soul. :) I guess that's a fitting comment considering your subject matter. I really like the premise. It give one something to think about, and drags us from the monotony of what we as a culture believe about the human soul. There are plenty of people, though definitely not the majority, that believe in this very thing. Quite interesting. I can't wait until you put more out there.

I love your pitch. Backed with enthusiasm. Good Luck with this. When you have a chance, please look at "No Do Overs... and other truths". Thanks, Carla Marie

Your pitch was great, and I was not disappointed in your story. I read the first couple of chapters and then one further in, and love your writing style - a good mix of sentence lengths and interaction between characters.

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Very intriguing! I have backed for now and will write with feedback and rank once I am done reading.
I would love if you would take a look at my book: PHEN... I appreciate reading a random chapter with feedback and then backing if you like it.

Thanks,
Lorin

You are totally fantastic, Kriti! : How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book?
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I've already ****** 'd your book :) - could you please ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

Hi Kriti. Thisis not my genre but I read and enjoyed your story. You do a good mix of narration and dialogue. A little more"showing" in place of just "telling" would help...what do I know?
Your voice is strong and I hope you'll land an agent/publisher soon.
Good luck.
Dan
PS. Please check mine. Comment/backing will be appreciated

Dear Kriti, I love that Caleb said, "I will protect you from my father." :) What a hero he is!! :) Would that all men were as daring & kind as he. :) You pitch was concise, preparing me for your most interesting read & I wasn't disappointed. :) As I finished chapter 17, I said to myself, "I'm so glad that I don't have to battle demons." Great write!! :) Tight dialogue & paragraphs made for a great read! :) Hope you'll write many more books. :) I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 8 hours later :)