The Dark Chronicles

Hello Anthoulis,

Your book was on my WL, so I'm assuming that this is a return read. Sorry for the delay.
There is promise in your story, but like all work on here, mine included. It could still use a bit of polish. Hope you don't mind I pointed out a couple of things that may help you in your future edits. If thay don't ring true to you feel free to ignore them.

Best
Bill
HAKTAW HEART


"in this late hour of the night were standing" - The tenses for me are slightly off when you use 'this late hour' it seems like it should be are standing. If it's past tense then perhaps "in 'the' late hour of the night were standing'

typo — misplaced periods and commas - innocence. [.]
[.]"Oh my lord
too. [.]I could
them back then."[.]
face of earth."[.]
have seen it coming," [,] -multiple commas outside quotation marks

The paragraph that starts "Yes, you are absolutely right." The first part "Yes, you are absolutely right." Is the the only part that really reads like dialogue. The rest of the paragraph is fine, but in my opinion it seems more like narrator prose that shouldn't be in quotation marks. It works where it is and how it's written. It just doesn't read as realistic dialogue to me.

"As the wizard was speaking . . .as to see it as the wizard was speaking." -- You might reread this sentence. It is a bit clunky. You might lose the second 'as the wizard was speaking' or re word it.

As others have said, Anthoulias, this reads like a very long prologue rather than a first chapter. It has too much dialogue and back story and not enough action or description. I went to read chapter two but you haven't downloaded it yet. Originally with my novel I was advised by a literary consultancy to dump the prologue completely and start from Chapter One. I wonder if you started this novel from Chapter Two if it would improve the initial impact on the reader? You could selectively feed in small sections of the back story just to help your reader understand. Try it and see. Anyway, all the best whatever you decide to do. If you do a rewrite, let me know and I will have another look.

Susanna
'Catching the Eagle'

The Dark Chronicles - To me this reads as a very long prologue or a backstory for one that is either yet to be written or not posted on the site. The language used appears to alternate between old and modern, which is rather distracting and the construction of sentences, haphazard at times, detracts from the impetus. I would view this as a work in progress but having said that there is a sense of desperation in the city that tighter dialogue and narration would expand. Also the fall of the city should be shown and not told. In the final passages of the work posted, the wizard Rondan appearing with his lighted staff, could be compared with Gandolf arriving with the Rohirim at Helm's Deep in the second film of the Lord of the Rings. As these films still resonate in many minds it would perhaps be better to create another way to save the surviving people after the heroic death of their king.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Hmmm... I like the plot and the pitch was quite good. I'm a little concerned some of thegrammar shifts tenses, and your point of view isn't solid- you're with a character but know more than that character, but not everything. But I'll just be repeating what's already been said if I say anything further. I hope you make this shine. It has awesome potential

Shakat
Stand

I have been accused of using too much narrative at times in my writing. My sense of this very, very, very long first chapter is that you may be using a touch too much dialogue. You seem to want to impart a powerful lot of info in the first chapter. Some is good but save some for later. You do have a spot or two where you switch from third person to first person without helping the reader understand why you did that ( I think you were relating a personal history of the general who was telling it in first person but that got lost in the mix), and you switch from past tense to present tense in the same paragraph early on. Also, I think you used the name Maltar and then called the same character Mantar but I could be wrong. Best of luck with your work.

Herschel Shirley
Earth Reaver & The Jaded Throne

long, long first chapter. I'd advise firstly splitting this into a couple, at least. Good bit of editing yet to be done. Careful of mixing past and present tenses. Otherwise, an interesting, fantastical plot.

Best of luck with the editing

Selena Hallahan - 'With Teeth'

Hi Anthoulis. Took a look at your 1st chapter. I’m afraid I had difficulty reading it, as it’s full of syntax errors, repetitions and overuse of adverbs. The story is sound, but it needs editing and I suggest you do this, before you ask for anymore feedback, as you’re either going to get mindless praise from those seeking your backing, or the same comments about the grammar and layout over and over. Good luck.

Nitpicks:
Syntax: Memories bring smiles (on) their faces and they burst into (laughs)…The guards… (turned) their heads (strangely) towards… “They act (strangely) these last two days,” a guard (thought)… The structure of the sentences and the tenses are a little skewed. The first sentence should read: Memories brought smiles to their faces and they burst into laughter. The guards turned their heads towards… You also have the guard’s “thoughts” outlined with inverted commas. If he’s speaking aloud, fine, if he’s not you don’t need them. If he is speaking aloud, then replace “the guard’s thoughts” with: The guard said. You’ve also used the word “strangely” twice in close proximity; suggest deleting the first, because exactly how does one turn one’s head “strangely?”
Syntax & repetition: Oh my lord I wish our (laughs) will turn out…It’s been a long time since I last (laughed)
Adverbs: Yes, you are (absolutely) right…and we never harmed no one, living (peacefully) Always try to find alternatives to adverbs, for example: Yes, you are quite right…and we never harmed no one, living in peace…

Great plot idea and perhaps the comments below should be looked at with care because I believe our fellow authonomers (is that the right word?) went to great lengths to give you good advice. Indeed, the very fact that they went into such detailed suggestions means only one thing: they really liked your book and would love to see you turn it into a smashing hit! And so would I!
Please check my Strings of Madness, I'd love to have your comments, particularly on its fantasy aspect as you seem to be quite an expert in the fantastical...

Sorry to say, I had real problems with this chapter. There are many grammatical and format issues in this chapter. Point of view is also an issue. You begin in third person, presumably omniscient since we see the enemy guard's thoughts, and later switch to first person.

1st graf: If the figures are well hidden, "discretely" is redundant. The first sentence also has a dangling participle: the walls aren't "observing," and the last phrase seems just to dangle. Is the "enemy's camp" "stretching ahead the valley?" And, if it's "beyond the horizon," "further" is redundant.

You probably want the characters to speak in a somewhat mythic tone, but don't overdo it or the dialogue will come across as stiff and unrealistic.

There's an error one of my writing teachers calls "As you know Bob," in which dialogue is designed to inform the reader but the characters would already know what's being said; so why would they say it? "Yes, you are . . . kindgom's borders." is an example.

" . . . most of which she would form and crate at that same moment . . ." How would a child know that?

I suggest a bird other than pigeon for the story. This paragraph contains lines of dialogue that should be broken into new paragraphs.

If everyone in the palace was asleep, how was his absence noticed?

Characters make the story real for the reader. I think you need to pick the principal character and tell the story as he or she sees it unfolding. Keep at it.

Dear George

Your pitch suggests what we get. A futuristic fantasy chronicle of the desperate struggle endured by the inhabitants of the last human city against wizards and other dark forces. There is good material here and I am sure you will fill in the back story as to how mankind has reached this low point in its fortunes. However there are inconsistencies in content (Lelathin or Laillathin?) and tense(past or present?) which are distracting. Some needless repetition in sentences such as 'It was many years ago when I was a child' need to be reviewed as do the in/to and for /of usage. However you have an exciting story to tell and in the white heat of your creative process don't be concerned over points of grammar. Will need an edit hoever if its going to get near the ED

regards

Brian

Plenty here to please the fantasy fan but, please, you need to divide your extremely long chapter into bitesize chunks for ease of reading. Also, your paragraphs too are very compact and need splitting up for the reader to enjoy an easier read. Your use of tense if also quite unusual and took me a while to get used to. A good read in the making, however, and I shall follow this with interest. :)

filaraki kalo, me entupwsiases , tha ta poume apo konta...

that's an excellent start.. Gongratulations George..

nice work i hope for more to come

Dear Anthoulis, Your concise, to say the least, pitch prepared me for your intriguing story. :) Only in one chapter made for an extremely quick read because I didn't have to keep waiting for chapters to come up (thank you for that :)). :) "The dark chronicles have just begun." WOW!! More to come? :) What an amazing end - unbelievable & surprising!! :) "WOW," is all that I can say? Great write!! I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 7 hours later :)