Empire of Dirt

I read your first two chaptres. Overall, there are parts of this novel that shine and fly off the page (or computer screen) as brilliantly insightful. The plot is a winner, there is no question about that. However, the wonderful parts are bogged down by some negative aspects that I will list here:

The prologue should be all dialogue. When you add the bit about what the operator is thinking, it slows us down. We should be reading the fast-paced back and forth without being told what either party is thinking. The conversation in that part is perfect - don't hide it. Also, don't tell us the paramedic's names. The pace is quicker when all we see is nameless people rushing to save a life. Keep us in the action.

Secondly, you have too many adjectives. It (again) slows us down. There are also a few punctuation and grammer mistakes which should be polished. One example is the overuse of "have/had." Once we know you're in this tense, you don't need to keep using these words. It makes for a cumbersome read. Also your use of the word "whilst" is distracting. Nobody talks like that any more and it takes away from the writing.

The prologue has the majority of the mistakes I list here, once we get to chapter one the writing seems to improve. But, since the prologue is the hook, it should theoretically be the most thought-out and polished piece of writing in the book. I'd give it a second look.

I absolutely loved the resuscitation scene. The blinding white light is perfect. I love that we don't understand it at first and then we slowly realize he's getting the paddles. I can't say enough good things about how you played that off.

All in all, I know it doesn't sound like it, but I like the book. I think it would be somehting I would buy if it didn't have some of the issues I've mentioned here. Basically, if I didn't think it had any merit I wouldn't take the time to put all this constructive criticism on paper (or screen). :)

I think you've done a good job here, just need to revise a little.
Hope this helps.

-Katy
The Promenade

I really enjoyed reading this - an interesting psychological piece.

Empire of dirt
Backed with pleasure
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Hi. Just read chapter one. The main thing is I'll continue reading. The beginning is gripping, but the investigation becomes a little dull as it goes on. I know it's the procedure, but some of the procedure is boring to read. A couple of points - you labelled both the Female and Male coppers as 'policemen' in one sentence. Also, I don't know when this was written, or how accurate you intend to be, but I find it very unlikely that an emergency operator nowadays would ask an untrained informant to check for a pulse. If this is a cunning piece of plot, then fine, but I've done first aid no so long ago, and was told to check for the fall and rise of the chest and to listen for breathing, as finding a pulse is too unreliable.
I like the fact that the cause of injury is still undetermined. Flows well too, and punctuation is good. On my watchlist so I can read more.

Your character development of Tim is excellent and the dialogue is well written and realistic. The pace of your story flows well and your descriptive writing will appeal to the YA audience. I have given you a high star rating.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

From the first page I was caught, wanted to know what had happened and what was going to happen. We are kept in suspense all the way through even as we begin to learn about Tim, the story is revealed bit by bit, and we start to understand a little why he is as he is. Well written,well researched psychologically, this is a really good read! A first novel to be proud of!

Dear Tom, I love the suspense as I read your pitch of what Tim had done & why? :) I could hardly wait, but at the end of chapter 4, the answers are far from coming & I'm hoping for a happy outcome. :) Tight dialogue & paragraphs made for a really quick read & I love the intrigue. :) I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 7 hours later :)

Hi Tom

this is really brilliant, fast paced and very enjoyable, i'm loving it, i'll be back to read more - backed with pleasure

Sian Banks

Fascinating read that really gets inside Tim's head.