The Hunt for Taylor Mason

spine-tingling intro. well written at the start. fades along the way, but shows promise.
j
what every woman should know

I found your prologue to be very effective and chapter 1 also read well although it wasn't quite as gripping but considering the hook had already been planted by your pitch and prague this doesn't really matter. Chapter 2 also works well but, I'm afraid, only to a point, the point where the body is found. After that I'm afraid the story seemed to lose its way.
There's just been a murder but Uncle Will is winking as though it's a bit of a laugh? And then they just let a witness watch the CCTV footage? The vanishing trick was a nice touch and helped redeem the chapter but there was a chunk of this that for me just didn't work as it was too flippant in my opinion.
Although I can't fault your writing and found no typos I do feel that there is an issue with the tone in certain places but to be fair this only stands out so much because in other areas you have written things very well.
With a bit of work I expect this will do well so keep at it and obviously these are only my personal opinions so keep that in mind and only look to change things if it turns out I'm in the majority.
Best wishes,
James

I've only read the first two chapters but feel compelled to comment.

I'm really enjoying this story. The prologue is excellent! The first chapter was getting kind of boring but I'm so glad I read to the end. That's when it really gets interesting. Scary. Exciting.

This is very well written. At first I thought it wasn't very original at all, then it got nice and twisty. Can't wait to read more.

Sylvia Talo
Deadly Dot Com Revenge

Hey Tayla, you should just describe my "come right" face and people would instantly get it no matter where they're from ;) Haha, miss yo lil ass my Littol Waterbaby xxx Just finished reading the rest of your new material and I love the twist, 'tis too cool!

[SPOILERS for other reviewers]

Hi,

I've now read all seven chapters. Please put more up soon, this is brilliant. The story is compelling and so incredibly original. I am completely drawn into this world. You craft the story beautifully in that questions get answered, but these answers only provoke more questions and encourage me to read on. The pace is brilliant and the twist in that Taylor is innocent and someone else is doing the murdering is one I didn't see coming and I'm sure there are still more twists to come.

There's a magnificent feeling of the surreal or ethereal about this. Denise will become a major figure, I think, and I hope it brings in a romantic element - maybe even an effort to save her at some point. But the bit with Penelope where she was killed added intrigue and to learn of his autn and how all of this fits together. It really is something else to read.

Dominic himself is an intriguing character. I disliked him at first with his treatment of women, but as its gone on he becomes increasingly likeable. Taylor too, I hated for the murders and his arrogance, but has grown on me for his wit and humour. They are a very entertaining duo.

What is the real charm of this story, after the crafting of the plot, is the language you use. There are some excellent expressions in it, the robin in a blizzard one really stood out. You tell it in a very mature and sophisticated way and I really can see this becoming a big deal when it gets published - because it will get published. There is nothing else like it and its so well done.

However, with all this very genuine praise (do check my other comments on books to see I'm not speaking bullshit) there is one point in the story that needs addressing. That is in the second chapter between Will and Dominic. It really felt very flat there - the reactions to the murders and one didn't get the impression that Dominic had much to do with Will before (I mean there is no indication that he had known his aunt had been murdered). Again it fell flat at the police station, as Will's response to him being arrested and his encouragement to chase Taylor was a little unauthentic. And during that time I was wondering about Will's parents - you should give a mention to them.

I think out of Will's reactions I also guessed your big twist in the story - and it occurred to me near the end of chapter seven - that Will is the ones doing the murdering. I think, if its true, that Dominics phonecall gave it away. It wouldn't stop me reading, but I think the twist is expected but it doesn't lose the intrigue and doesn't stop me from reading. But if you made things more subtle and a realistic relationship to the aunt earlier, as well as longer conversation on the phone in seven that made Will's reaction to Daniel seem more natural, it would give the name away.

But don't worry about that for now, but please sort out the partof chapter two as I've described above to greatly improve the story, as it really let you down earlier on.

And please upload some new chapters I am dying to find out what happens next. Feel free to email me anything as well...would love to read.

Yours,
Joe

This is quite astounding. I mean the prologue was beautifully written and gripped me straight away and this continued all of the way through your first chapter. I have to go to bed, but this is compulsive reading. And what could I possible say that could improve it? The dialogue is entertaining - humorous at times; the characters feel like real people; and the plot, from your pitch sounds enthralling and original. It has a fast pace, and while I am a fan of slow book, this suits the story. There's a certain amount of wit to it as well, and I can see the plot twisting and turning in the future.

I very much enjoyed what I read.

Joe

Hey :) here for the return read.

So, I read up to the end of the 4th chapter and here it goes:

You have a clean manuscript that reads easily. A good pace and a clear plotline early on are bonuses. I discerned a knack for describing suspense scenes and for natural dialogue. Although when Dominique is around Mouse and the rest of his friends it all reads like the cliche it is, you made their interactions interesting enough for me to keep reading to the more interesting stuff.

Another praise is in order for the poem. Brilliant. Yours? (probably) If not, excellent choice.

Your murderer is mysterious and charismatic enough AND he can disappear! That is what -in my humble opinion- sets your story apart from the rest of the thrillers. He does a party trick. Not only on camera, but in front of Dom as well in the middle of the street. Amazing. Great idea.

Enough with the good stuff. I want to mention two negative points that, even if they are my opinion only, you might want to give them a second thought. (of course, you might not, and if that's the case, please keep in mind that I'm just noting them down to help you.)

1) The fact that you put Aunt Annie as one of the victims.
a) It got boring and a bit annoying to have to read long discussions of Uncle Will and Dom over whether one should get involved or not, or whether one should remember/talk/mention/think/etc anything concerning the death of the aunt. Men don't do that. Maybe -you 'll say- your target audience is going to be females and they like their male characters more sensitive. Again, do they need to be that sensitive? Your call, just mentioning I was put off.
b) A strong argument against the involvement of Uncle Will in Mason's investigation : Police officers whose relatives or loved ones are the offenders or the victims of a crime, do not take part in the investigation. That's what I've heard. If you've done your research on the subject and know otherwise, I don't have anything to add.

2) The very exciting moment in the 3rd chapter -if I recall correctly- where Mason meets Dom on the street. If as an author you decide to do something like this so early, you should be inventive and gutsy, 'cause there you are playing your whole manuscript. What you did is have them meet and your MC act like it never happened. I mean, any other reaction would have been viable in my eyes. But, to meet the suspect and just deny to do everything he asks while staying there talking was absurd. This is a scene that offers no middle ground.
a) If he is scared he should run. No discussion.
b) If he's not scared he should take the offer. A very interesting discussion. Much more than the one I read. (that would be my choice. I would want to hit the reader hard with something solid. I would put it there and blow their mind. There is so much you can do in this scene!)

See what I mean? after the scene, it was as if nothing had happened. I wasn't even hoping for a scene like that at such an early point, but you showed guts. Either reconsider your guts or rewrite the scene and make it more interesting.

I realize that if you decide to rewrite and throw new info in the scene, you'll probably have to change parts from here and there and that sounds boring and tough and all these great things. But -again, in my humble opinion- this way, your well-written, good paced manuscript might have a chance to be mind-blowing.

That's all from me. 6 stars for an entertaining read.

Yannis

Compliments

Short pitch – loved it. Short, snappy, compelling. Cover – liked it, works well with the book. These are the two areas that most Authonomites get wrong. Here you get a nanosecond to convince a reader to read. You got it right

Prologue - I LOVE the opening. It's strong and descriptive. I really like that the beginning begins with the end. It adds a circularity, that you have a glimpse of the end and know the journey there is going to be good.

The description of darkness pressing against the juxtaposition of the soft warn light of the apartment is very compelling. You have done exceptionally well to combine light and sound filling the opening scene, yet capturing the sense of being apart from it all.

I later read your profile about Synesthesia which was something I was completely unfamiliar with. You have obviously found the right place to utilise your gift.

Chapter 1 - nice opening, most readers will instantly identify with this, stubble or not. I liked the way you worked in a description of the main character, what he was feeling and what he had been doing in one para - very clever.

The way you capture Dominic's thoughts in the midst of dialogue workd very well for me.

It's quite a long chapter (see below), but the end of the chapter ends on a massive cliff-hanger.

Chapter two has a much faster pace, starts with a bang and ends with one too. It genuinely had the hairs standing up on the back of my next. Brilliant stuff.

Overall, you have captured the male mind very well. You have good pace (see below). More importantly your chapters start and end with a bang which leads the reader on to the next surprise.

I commend you for not having anywhere in your pitch the words 'teen' 'slasher' 'horror'. By categorising it, I would not have read it. By keeping the description open, you appeal to a wider audience.

You have also edited this very well, I struggled to find nits.

Constructive Comments

Long pitch: There almost two pitches here. I do REALLY like the quotation, but then I read it again very early on in the prologue. Do you need it in your long pitch?

Prologue: 'They had never met him' I've tried reading this several ways. Consider dropping 'had' in this sentence as it conveys that he has gone in a more meaningful way than using the past tense which I automatically corrected to 'have' before I read to the next sentence.

Could you consider using a different word than 'brute'? Maybe it's just me, but I find the word slightly comical (not all your readers may see it this way!). It's your book and your choice, but would '....eternity as a monster who killed....' convey his memory better? If not ignore me!

'Come Pam, come back to bed' 'Come on Pam....'?

'Who came right last night?' not a phrase I'm familiar with. Someone else picked up on this 183 days ago and you haven't changed it or explained it?! What have you been doing?!

'the vegetables limp with overcooking' 'limp and overcooked'?

'unappealing' 'unappetising'?

'While they ate more of the boys...' 'While they ate, more of the boys'

'boos' 'boo's'

'No one' 'No-one'

'In true sportsman fashion the players etired' '...the player's retired...'

'I"m not' I'm not'

Chapter 'murderous killer' repetition/tortology

Pace. Cracking opening. Great start and then Chapter One slowed down. Dom's a player, I get that quite early on. I quickly found myself starting to skim read to get past the heaps and heaps of 'player' stuff to get to the good bit which I knew was luking later on and probably missed some good stuff. It also make me like Dom less as a character - which may have been intentional.

As I say, very few nits and very well written. 9/10

Annabelle
x

Thanks very much for the constructive criticism :) I'm swamped with varsity work at the moment so I don't have time to edit Taylor Mason, but I plan on doing so during the December vac. It's also taken me a while to figure out how to reply to comments (which is embarassing, considering I did three years of programming in highschool) so I didn't get back to people on their comments.

Originally I thought that "to come right" was general South African slang, but having asked around I've discovered that it's only used at my university. It means to successfully hook up with someone or sometimes to successfully sleep with someone. A lot of male students that I know use it, and it's become such a part of my vocabulary that I tend to forget that not many people know it. I'll put something more generic in its place. Thanks for pointing that out!

Compliments

Short pitch – loved it. Short, snappy, compelling. Cover – liked it, works well with the book. These are the two areas that most Authonomites get wrong. Here you get a nanosecond to convince a reader to read. You got it right

Prologue - I LOVE the opening. It's strong and descriptive. I really like that the beginning begins with the end. It adds a circularity, that you have a glimpse of the end and know the journey there is going to be good.

The description of darkness pressing against the juxtaposition of the soft warn light of the apartment is very compelling. You have done exceptionally well to combine light and sound filling the opening scene, yet capturing the sense of being apart from it all.

I later read your profile about Synesthesia which was something I was completely unfamiliar with. You have obviously found the right place to utilise your gift.

Chapter 1 - nice opening, most readers will instantly identify with this, stubble or not. I liked the way you worked in a description of the main character, what he was feeling and what he had been doing in one para - very clever.

The way you capture Dominic's thoughts in the midst of dialogue workd very well for me.

It's quite a long chapter (see below), but the end of the chapter ends on a massive cliff-hanger.

Chapter two has a much faster pace, starts with a bang and ends with one too. It genuinely had the hairs standing up on the back of my next. Brilliant stuff.

Overall, you have captured the male mind very well. You have good pace (see below). More importantly your chapters start and end with a bang which leads the reader on to the next surprise.

I commend you for not having anywhere in your pitch the words 'teen' 'slasher' 'horror'. By categorising it, I would not have read it. By keeping the description open, you appeal to a wider audience.

You have also edited this very well, I struggled to find nits.

Constructive Comments

Long pitch: There almost two pitches here. I do REALLY like the quotation, but then I read it again very early on in the prologue. Do you need it in your long pitch?

Prologue: 'They had never met him' I've tried reading this several ways. Consider dropping 'had' in this sentence as it conveys that he has gone in a more meaningful way than using the past tense which I automatically corrected to 'have' before I read to the next sentence.

Could you consider using a different word than 'brute'? Maybe it's just me, but I find the word slightly comical (not all your readers may see it this way!). It's your book and your choice, but would '....eternity as a monster who killed....' convey his memory better? If not ignore me!

'Come Pam, come back to bed' 'Come on Pam....'?

'Who came right last night?' not a phrase I'm familiar with. Someone else picked up on this 183 days ago and you haven't changed it or explained it?! What have you been doing?!

'the vegetables limp with overcooking' 'limp and overcooked'?

'unappealing' 'unappetising'?

'While they ate more of the boys...' 'While they ate, more of the boys'

'boos' 'boo's'

'No one' 'No-one'

'In true sportsman fashion the players etired' '...the player's retired...'

'I"m not' I'm not'

Chapter 'murderous killer' repetition/tortology

Pace. Cracking opening. Great start and then Chapter One slowed down. Dom's a player, I get that quite early on. I quickly found myself starting to skim read to get past the heaps and heaps of 'player' stuff to get to the good bit which I knew was luking later on and probably missed some good stuff. It also make me like Dom less as a character - which may have been intentional.

As I say, very few nits and very well written. 9/10

Annabelle
x

- The Hunt for Talyor Mason -

(the prologue and chapters one to three)

I've enjoyed reading this. The story has something of the classic teen slasher movie to it, yet at the same time there appears to be deeper there, as evidences by the philosophical bent to the prologue.

The characters came across as real and well rounded, I particularly liked the banter between the guy in the dorm room, and Dominic seems to develop due to the circumstances he's thrown into from an immature womaniser to something more mature.

The intrigue is good throughout. From the prologue on, you wonder at who, or what, exactly Taylor Mason is. The poem in the third chapter and his turning up at the end suggest something abnormal, perhaps paranormal. The reader is kept Guessing but given enough clues to keep things intereting and to prevent them from becoming frustrating. The chapter endings tend to be of the classic page-turner style too, with a dramatic twist that stops the heart and keeps you pushing on. Great fun, that.

Some notes and nitpicks....

- '....they never lived long enough to tell the tale. It was up to him to spread the legends he had gathered.' (prologue)
..........The second part here was confusing for me. Does he spread legends about himself or something else?

Chapter one

- Typo: 'Penelop yanked herself'.

-'Who came right last night?'
........The meaning of that is lost on me, unless it's something dirty........

- Should 'first years' be hyphenated into one word?

- 'His bright eyes seemed to burn a hole in Dominic's very soul.'
........I'd suggest going for a rewording here as it seems a little cliched.

-'Seriously,' he said in a strange voice.'Don't go anywhere.'
........The 'he said in a strange voice' seems a bit superfluous, given the strangeness of the whole situation and his demenour. That part could be omitted.

Chapter two

-'suddenly realised with gut-wrenching terror....'
........I hate to trot out the old 'show don't tell' chestnut but I think it applicable here and thngs would be more effective if Dominic's terror were shown to manifest in some way, perhaps physically.

- 'shot out like a bat out of hell....'
........Again, a bit of a cliche and would be more effective if rephrased into something original.

-'sausage-like fingers'
........A bit of a strange image to conjure up and one that I found jarring, given the earnestness of the scene.


Chapter three

-'I don't know what she was studying. I didn't really get a good look at her.'
........The first sentence doesn't seem to have anything to do with the second.


The above are all small nitpicks and, as I'm a complete novice as an author, I make no claim to being right in any of the points I've made.

Overall, the story is an enjoyable one and the writing accomplished. Some very impressive stuff in there.

All the best with it,

Ross

The Hunt for Taylor Mason has quite an unusual perspective of someone who has known a serial killer. It's chilling to the bone and written in a very mysterious and believable style. While this isn't my genre of choice, I was pleased to give it the full six stars for the quality of the prose and the strong narrative voice.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This really is an impressive concept. It's dark and dramatic without being too heavy. Although this is predominately thriller your writing style has the potential to appeal to a much broader audience. Taylor Mason is a great character name. Fits perfectly.

I'm not a big fan of a prologue, I always wonder if they are necessary, we should be able to find out all we need to from the story without the writer having to hand us a synopsis at the start. However, in this particular instance I quite enjoy the prologue. It set the tone for the book and it was a gripping introduction to Taylor Mason.

I found the personality of Dominic’s character very trying. He's not the easiest fellow to relate to yet he's intriguing and I am hooked enough to want to continue reading despite this not being my usual genre.

I think your strength lies in your delivery. Great imagery. Fitting pacing, although it takes a little while for the suspense to build, it does get there and once it does it is very gripping.

All the best with this, I really enjoyed it.

Janny

-----)THE HUNT FOR TAYLOR MASON
So this is my review so far of the story. Feel free to discard or take in anything I say.
Well honestly I can't say much more than what the other dudes below me already said, but I'll try anyhow.

Pitch
First, the pitch and the prologue were well done. The hint it gives on the philosophical layout of this story makes it more interesting. However the quotation from the first part is a tad distracting, I really feel you could cut it out and start at ''As the only witness...'' I say that because we read roughly the same thing in the prologue, right off the bat.


Chapter 1
-It is clear how you've set Dominic Walter's charismatic/seducing personality as the cool guy of the university, especially in the part where the other guys talk in the corridor about his conquests. However... I get a feeling of ''unnaturalness'', as if it was slightly comedical (if this was intended?). In the other hand, It also feels like you've cut a bit of Dominic's mystery as a character and wholly as an overall perk by telling how much girls he's done in a week, feels like his charisma as a protagonist was too fastened early.

SUGGESTION : If you could find a way to put Dominic in the light not so quickly, say by leading the reader in showing more tedious, steady and realistic development for Dominic over the story rather than just splurting out his conquests like that which again makes me feel it's a bit unrealistic and not solid enough.

-The part where you mention Dusty having gone elsewhere during the night gives an interesting suspense, I've immediately connected with the serial killer thing. Also when we read that Dominic doesn't remember where he went and where he found the chick gives a hunch of mystery and foreshadows how the story could unfold. Thumbs up for that.

-The soccer match was described too much shortly. I really felt at this point that you could have given more details of the match by storytelling what happened during, for exemple, Dominic's turn with the ball (which would show a bit more of his character too, making it more realistic) rather than just telling who won directly. It felt like it was a bit too fast of a pace in time. Right after you put in a dialogue which can be confusing to the reader, trying to mentally reconnect the events in time.

-I found the idea of introducing Taylor Mason after Dominic gets told by the sexy librarian assistant that he can go to the lab at night a great idea. That part was much more realistic and smooth than the parts before, and only with that I feel like the reader could understand what kind of guy Dominic is (hinting you to cut useless parts perhaps, at the opening.)

Immediately I knew that something would happen that night, linked to the part in the pitch where you mention as he's the only witness to a murder. I also imagined that the girl would be the victim that night, having tried I don't know to get Dominic alone to rape him on a computer terminal or whatever. So well done on that (by the way are you impersonating yourself in Mouse's character? :P You perverted girl ! )

-I liked Taylor's initial potential threat to Dominic as in sexiness. I didn't like Dominic (seriously what guy would love reading about an extremely successful guy like that, lol) I wanted him to beat the crap out of his head, honestly. But I was disappointed he didn't kill Dominic yet. Must be patient, Akemitsu. So yep Taylor is well defined as a potential stand-against Dominic.

On a final note, I only got really hooked when Dominic was with the library girl episode. Right at that part I felt like something was going to happen. I suggest you keep on defining and reworking Dominic's personality at the beggining a bit more realistically. As a student in psychology myself, I really felt something was missing to his core. Another thing; your imagery is pretty original, it is easy to see that you tried to find other ways to make your characters say stuff and the way how the stuff are described in the settings (e.g. at the cafeteria about the food and overcooked veggies, nicely done). It is good to appeal to the reader's five senses, you've done that well with the smell and all. In conclusion, The Hunt for Taylor Mason is the kind of novel I get appealed/compelled to read further on when a certain clique/event of suspense gets me, either by imagination or straight explicit fact. It's obviously well thought off--your idea of blending a philosophical background with a serial killer makes the story very mysterious and somewhat intelligent and compelling by itself. Interesting, original. It is clear that many characters and stuff are directly influenced with your own background, tails ;). I laughed many times thinking how fun and awkward it must have been for you to write that down.

Thumbs up, starred and eventually backed when the dude on my bookshelf (Harpist of Madrid) succesfully stays in the top 5 ! :) Will read further on. I have plenty of time for that, 3 months in fact ;).

Best of success and continuation,
Akemitsu K. Honda

TL - the return read. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with these comments as you wish.

Prologues are intriguing leads into a read and work in different ways. Your's is well written with some nice phrases and you've pushed the deeper meaning side to this with the backdrop of society. Then the suggestion that there is more to Taylor Mason than tomorrows headlines but on balance I felt it didn't hit the right note. He either is or isn't and without knowing more I couldn't choose.

Chapter 1 - mild correction on the student mantra of 'never again'. My daughter has just completed her exams and will be 18 next month and may even agree. I've a few more years and have said those same words at least twice this last month - they do work and you very simply set a scene with them. Also you cannot freeze mid-retch; I've had several years practise on that one! Oh dear and more memory recall - forgotten names - you do hit some hard points with this opening - I wish I'd forgotten that one!

More seriously now.

Who came right last night? - correct?

Then the commotion as Pam/Pen leaves with the mixed views of those living alongside and into dinner. Smooth read here and certainly one relatively familiar - perhaps not everyone would open their doors? - just a thought. Then the conversation over the dining table - very impressed. This really works, dipping into thoughts, and back to dialogue, and captures the general approach to women for young men of that era - we're more shy than we pretend so go for the macho approach.

The quick flirtation in the library also works well. I've seen no typos so you've been editing. But I am looking here for story. Then the meeting with Taylor Mason - very smooth. From the synopsis we know he is key to the read.This works very well and I'm now asking what the library scene contributed to the flow, other than the suggestion to go there.. The ending is good - simple works and this confirms it.

Chapter 2 and I like the opening. It works but once the crime scene develops you take us into some long dialogue. Perhaps break that down - certainly peoples emotions need explaining and what is happening/whose there?

Assumably?

I like the dissapearance of Taylor. Suggest build on that without being too specific. Serial killers are people who tweak fears deep within us and adding a certain unknown factor to that image really ramps up the adrenalin. Nice touch.

Chapter 3 - 4th para too many Dominic's. But the story pace is building well here, with background to the victim. You do take us into Dom's emotions also and that's good but in reality he would not be given information on other murders - Police keep those details closed to ensure mentally insane do not start to claim they did it. They may however get a little more background on who Taylor Mason is, but you again need to be careful there. I do like the poem, very, very nice touch as he leaves his calling cards. Excellent. And then the meeting, just as we sense Dom may try looking for Taylor - Taylor finds him - gripping stuff indeed!

I read through to the end of Chapter 4 and the same impressions stayed with me. The serial killer angle has been done many times, but your angle works for me. The personal link again has been dealt with, Silence of the Lambs immidiately springing to mind, but I do like this student approach. I'd reconsider some edits ondialogue once you've had comments in from others but the pace of the story in just 4 Chapters is very good. Dom works well, perhaps a little more support around him - may wish to slightly change Uncle Will. Behind all that the backdrop of student life read very well and a thumbs up for your writing on testosterone filled young men. Best. Steve.

This is an awesome beginning. The prologue did a great job of setting up the story, especially once we met Taylor Mason. I usually don't like prologues, but this one was necessary and served as a compelling hook. Though Dominic isn't the most likeable character, he's one I enjoyed reading about. The writing is solid with very little need for improvement. The only real suggestion I have is to fix the dialogue tags that contain action. For example: instead of "My name is Taylor. Taylor Mason," the man glanced... It should be "My name is Taylor. Taylor Mason." The man glanced... The way you have it is correct if the action is said, whispered, asked, etc. But since it's an action not related to speaking, it needs to be a new sentence.

Otherwise, this is great, and I will definitely be reading more!

The hunt for Taylor Mason

T.K. Waterworth

This is a good YA mystery. Believable characters, solid pacing, intriguing premis. Sprinkled with stars.

I have read all you have,and whenever you add more i will definatly be back.5 stars :)

I enjoyed the first chapter a lot ... some great imagery, good characterization and the dialogue is natural and flows well. I particularly enjoyed the scene with PENELOPE very well done.

Will read more of this today.

Richard

I read the first couple of chapters and thought this was a really well-written piece of work. The prologue is excellent, and the storyline develops nicely. Good characterization and description. Well starred and will be on my shelf asap. Good luck with this.

Wow. This is the best book I've come across on Authonomy in quite a while. It shifts effortlessly from student debauchery to murder mystery to something much weirder and - perhaps - back to murder mystery. I'll back it once a slot frees up on my shelf.

A few suggestions... it's a major cliché to have a character look in the mirror so you can describe him. The first chapter, though it's very well-written, perhaps takes a bit too long in getting to Taylor. Before he showed up, I wondered for a while if I was somehow reading a different book (!).

Would Uncle Will still be in the police force, never mind working on catching Taylor, six months after his wife had been murdered? I could understand that his grief and anger would make him all the more determined to catch the killer, but at the same time they would cloud his judgement and compromise his objectivity.

Quoting lyrics from songs is usually more trouble than it's worth. Getting permission to use them involves lots of red tape and disproportionate amounts of money. It's simpler to say something like, "they caterwauled to Love Me Do by The Beatles", which doesn't need permission, or avoid mentioning the song altogether.

I can't accept that the police wouldn't have found Taylor's watch when they arrested Dominic, especially since they think it's how he does his vanishing act. If there's a reason why they don't find it, you either need to say what it is or, if Dominic doesn't know why, say he doesn't know.

Just a few thoughts... use, adapt or discard as you see fit.

Wonderful. I read the first two chapters and plan on going back. I have rated it well and added to my WL for now. Welldone!
Red

The Hunt for Taylor Manson
Fiction
Masterful! This is very likely one of the best written novels on this site! I'm impressed!
Raechel
Echo

Got to be any writers dream to have their characters come to life, can't the programme be extended to full blown novels, rather than notebooks and other miscellaneous word collections. Under Taylor's guidance Dominic is able to move between the seconds of a watch in the space where there is no time, and learn about the pre-destiny of a few selected humans. Unfortunately some of them are becoming murder victims, was this their future, or is something or someone else playing the time travelling game.

James Dean and Marilyn Monroe get a mention and I assume they were living out the pre determined life as explained in a next chapter, but I'd have liked to have seen their roles made a bit clearer, beause initially I was surprised when their names entered the story, and for a few moments I was confused. When I read the next chapter I realised their involvment in the plot, I'm assuming they may well have been murdered as well.

I felt there was a tendency to lose the flow of the story when more characters came into the plot. For example at the first murder scene Dominic is interviewed, then his uncle arrives, and other policemen, so much dialogue, friendly exchanges even. But there's a murdered girl nearby with her throat cut, I just lost the flow,didn't feel the intensity. The same in the first chapter when the girl storms out of Dominics room, the corridor outside becomes flooded with people, first year students, again a lot of dialogue, but the flow of the story becomes slightly lost. Overall there is a good balance between plot and character without the tendency to confuse at times I think 'The hunt For Taylor Mason' can become a great story.

The plot is really good so a full metal jacket of stars.

Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

TK,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central character's. The ebbs and flows of as he goes about reconciling the attraction with the concern, the wishes with the pauses....

......and she does his character shows.

The dialogue is also one of jewels: not too punchy, action oriented, with the right mix of lingo, resonating with a beat


Some of my favorites:

"Thick black make up...."
from there the paragraph works marvelous...
why?
because from there you get down to the nifty gritty business of describing

"his short, stocky body...."
good, for the same reason

"Inside the library....
that whole paragraph is your personal best so far, for the same reason

"As he walked inside, he found that he wasn't thinking...
a very good ending for a chapter.

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"there comes a time....."
Is this necessary?
Must you define the character at the beginning of your novel?
why not let the narrative define him?

"this honest confession..."
why not let body language express all this?

"warm glow" "radiating righteous indignation" (3 in a row!)
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels

"dusty bookshelf" "tinny spiky" "pale cream" "yawn widely"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, very promising

david

You have a very good book here! It lingers in my mind when I turn away to do other things, which is always a good sign! I picked up on things you might want to change, since you asked for constructive criticism, but by no means does that mean this isn’t good – it is, and I loved reading it!

I loved your prologue – you have a beautiful grasp of language and it gave the book the feeling of an epic tale about to be told. Your line about ‘A true story cannot be altered…’ etc was wonderful. The only thing that jarred a little (a very, very little – I’m nitpicking because you asked for constructive comments!) was the phrase ‘produced magical revelations’ – the word ‘produced’ just seems wrong – perhaps too down to earth beside the other two words, or perhaps too close to the meaning of ‘revelation’.

Ch 1
‘haggard’ in paragraph 4 – I’m not sure you need this. You do a great job of describing a face that comes across as haggard in the later sentences. Also I’d put ‘stubble’ instead of ‘tiny spiky hairs’ since you’ve just used the word hair.

‘Half dressed, wearing only…’ – I’m not sure that underwear is enough for the phrase half dressed. I’d expect a t-shirt or something.

You do a great job of describing life in university halls (the kind of place you describe is exactly why I moved out of halls after two weeks and into a flat!) I’m guessing that this will appeal to young readers who are experiencing, or have experienced, the same kind of thing. I thought perhaps you could cut down on some of the description in this chapter, though. I got a good sense of Dominic’s character, and it seemed a long time before the scream at the end of the chapter. I wonder if it would be possible to shorten and conflate Ch 1 and the start of Ch 2 so that the body is found at the end of Ch 1. It might make for a better hook.

I felt like the paragraph beginning ‘Dominic’s choice to study at Kenton University had not been an easy one’ was a bit out of place – it cuts in to a chapter that is largely told as it happens and from Dominic’s POV. I wonder if you could get this information in more subtly in other ways?

In Ch 2 you say ‘The figure wore a white hoodie…obscuring Dominic’s view of *its* face’ – but through the rest of the paragraph you refer to the figure as ‘he’.

Sometimes (such as ‘“…scream come from?” the police officer…’) you could do making the bit straight after the speech a new sentence, and perhaps even putting it on a new line.

Also, once or twice at first the police officer is Van Zyl, but later you drop the capitals in ‘van’.

On the whole I enjoyed this – I liked the character of Dominic, and can’t help but agree with the thought that Mouse is rather attractive. The mystery that unfolds around Taylor Mason is great, and if I had time I would definitely read more.

I hope this helps,

Anna

Hi T K

Here are my comments.

General comments : -
1. An interesting story.
2. I could not stop reading it.
3. 5 stars and backed.
4. You have a natural and rare talent.
5. I like your ability as a wordsmith, and your use of similes.
6. Strong characterisation, intriguing storyline with suspense and romance – it’s got the lot!!
7. Good dialogue interspersed with adequate description.
8. It flows and flows and flows – with excellent English, spelling and grammar – one of the best I have read in Authonomy.

Some detailed comments : -
Prologue
A tantalising start - a good hook.
Ch 1
1. There is a funny opening with plenty of action.
2. Dom is an interesting and funny character. He reminds me of a close friend when I was younger.
3. The introduction of Taylor at the end promises a dark tunnel of fear and evil.
Ch 2
Good pacing, except I felt the initial dialogue between Dom and the detective was a bit stretched out.

Hope this helps.
I have just uploaded a newly edited version of Gold Demon, and would greatly appreciate any further comments.
Best regards
George

I like. I can see this a movie. I love a good thriller and mystery. Good luck.

The Hunt for Taylor Mason - The author's long pitch, in briefest terms sets out the plot. Expecting something much darker in the opening chapter I was intrigued to discover Dominic, who is obsessed with having a good time and leaving important work that must be handed in to the very last minute. This has more than a ring of reality about it and contrasts very well with the introduction of a murder and serial killer, enigmatic Taylor Mason. The author has left little clues why Taylor hasn't been, and is more than likely, never going to be caught. Tension is slowly built up to a chilling hook in chapter three that draws a reader on. This has the makings of a suspense packed thriller.
The writing, for the most part, is fluid and the dialogue realistic. Dominic and Uncle Will's characters are quickly established and the little cameo's surrounding them are well observed and the author has been clever enough not to reveal too much about Taylor Mason, who he is and why he does what he does will keep readers guessing.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Good, smooth narrative and intriguing beginning. Look out for repetition: a lot of sentences in your longer paragraphs begin with 'The'. Throw out a descriptive word and follow with what it modifies to keep the reader's interest. This is much better done than your 'Olympus High' and shows your quick development as a writer. I don't have much to add on your style than what I've already said.

Dominic is a good character, and the introduction of Taylor Mason is well done. A touch of mystery; makes me want to read more. I can easily visualize them with your sensuous descriptions. I can feel the darkness. I do, however, agree with Craig. The plot should be identified sooner, and the characters filled in on the way. Nothing reveals a personality faster than a life and death situation.

Best wishes,
Joel Juedes- Purple Eyes

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Dominic. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. I have given you a high star rating. Space should open up on my shelf in the next couple of days and I will back your book then.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Engaging story, with great dialogue and narrative. You've built up your MC Dom quite well, a college playboy who goes through partners like Kleenex.

I thought the build-up to the scream took too long. I would have liked to get to the meat of the matter a bit sooner. You have already created a wonderful setting by about halfway through the chapter. Perhaps get rid of some of the less pertinent dialogue. Just my reader's opinion :-).

Great read otherwise! Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dear Tayla, I love that your pitch prepared me for my read & that your tight paragraphs & dialogue brought me right through chapter 3. :) I laughed when I read, "If you'd arrived any earlier, you could've witnessed the murder!" The absurdity of wanting to witness a murder really tickled me. :) Sorry. :( Maybe it wasn't supposed to be funny. :) Your poems were pretty radical :) - well done!! :) I've read, commented on, backed, & ****** 'd your book :) - could you please back & ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 7 hours later :)