The Whispering Wind

Thank you so much for your comments I have ben doing a rewrite on the first chapters and all your comments have been a great help. Thank you for taking the time to write it is much appreciated. Kathryn

Beautiful descriptive writing is definitely your forte'. But in the prologue and in some of the chapters there is almost too much of a good thing. You have an excellent story line without the overwhelming use of adjectives and adverbs.

Not that I'm saying to get rid of all of them. The proper use of adjectives and adverbs is delightful and helps to put us into the scene; but too much becomes heavy and distracts from the plot.. You are an excellent writer and with a little editing this is definitely a book I would want to read. Happy to back it.

Betty K "The Merchant's Dilemma"

Your use of descriptive detail is excellent but perhaps a bit too heavy handed on some places. Try to see if you can say the same thing in fewer words - especially in the first few paragraphs of chapter 1 when you describe the orchard. I think it would make your writing stronger.

Otherwise I was quite captivated by the sense of place and by the characters you describe. I care about them and want to know more about them.

I could picture everything you described.

Thanks for a stunning read.

- Rena (Bunderful)

THE WHISPERING WIND.
Kathryn, how enchantingly you write. Historical romance at its best. you painted a wonderful picture with rich vivid colours which ignited all five senses.

From the minute the plane landed, I could picture the magnificent scenery and feel the blistering heat, imagine
the smells and almost taste the foods of Sardinia. It brought back some happy memories for me of the people there going about their daily life.

I liked your heroine, Elise and I did feel sorry for her fleeing England because of an abusive relationship, but was I happy for her when she fell in love with Beppe. This could be turned into a great movie. Lots of gold stars.******so deserved. Will back soon. Excellent.
Kat x Hens From Hell

Thank you so much I have been back to Sardinia recently and done quite a bit of revision on the book so hpefully, when I get time I will update it all. Thank you for your comments encouragement is always welcome. Kathryn

THE WHISPERING WIND.
Kathryn, how enchantingly you write. Historical romance at its best. you painted a wonderful picture with rich vivid colours which ignited all five senses.

From the minute the plane landed, I could picture the magnificent scenery and feel the blistering heat, imagine
the smells and almost taste the foods of Sardinia. It brought back some happy memories for me of the people there going about their daily life.

I liked your heroine, Elise and I did feel sorry for her fleeing England because of an abusive relationship, but was I happy for her when she fell in love with Beppe. This could be turned into a great movie. Lots of gold stars.******so deserved. Will back soon. Excellent.
Kat x Hens From Hell

Kathryn, I have read some sample chapters of your book, and also some of the comments on it, and I've registered its strengths and weaknesses. Your greatest talent it seems to me is much like that of the author of Revolution, I Love You (highly praised on this site, including by me): a tremendous ability to capture the heat and light and scents and atmosphere of the South - what I've read is admirably soaked in them. You've achieved this of course by (a) writing from personal experience and not research, and (b) by a sensitivity to the specific details needed to paint the picture. Nevertheless, having said that, I do find your evocation of extreme heat at the very start rather too enthusiastically done: 'the pounding midday sun'...'savage blaze of noon'...'intensify the relentless rays'...'an overwhelming stifling heat'...'the searing temperature of the day' - and all within the first six lines. This is rather laying it on with a trowel.
I think the story is charming and emotionally involving, but I agree with other reviewers that you have to do something about the POV and also make more happen in those opening chapters - it's all a bit too scene-painting leisurely. And one small editorial point - you keep capping instead of l.c.-ing speaker pronouns after bits of dialogue.
I must say I'm baffled as to why you aren't on any bookshelves yet - what you've written is far superior to much stuff that's multi-bookshelved - and I'm remedying that by backing your book (in the hope that you will address the wise comments made about it already) and four-starring it.
Xavant
X.V. Anthony
That Certain Feeling

Thank you so much for your comments. I will give it a good look as I am off to Sardinia next week. Time to sit on the beach and write, magic. Thank you for your advice and your kind words all much apreciated. Kathryn

Kathryn, I have read some sample chapters of your book, and also some of the comments on it, and I've registered its strengths and weaknesses. Your greatest talent it seems to me is much like that of the author of Revolution, I Love You (highly praised on this site, including by me): a tremendous ability to capture the heat and light and scents and atmosphere of the South - what I've read is admirably soaked in them. You've achieved this of course by (a) writing from personal experience and not research, and (b) by a sensitivity to the specific details needed to paint the picture. Nevertheless, having said that, I do find your evocation of extreme heat at the very start rather too enthusiastically done: 'the pounding midday sun'...'savage blaze of noon'...'intensify the relentless rays'...'an overwhelming stifling heat'...'the searing temperature of the day' - and all within the first six lines. This is rather laying it on with a trowel.
I think the story is charming and emotionally involving, but I agree with other reviewers that you have to do something about the POV and also make more happen in those opening chapters - it's all a bit too scene-painting leisurely. And one small editorial point - you keep capping instead of l.c.-ing speaker pronouns after bits of dialogue.
I must say I'm baffled as to why you aren't on any bookshelves yet - what you've written is far superior to much stuff that's multi-bookshelved - and I'm remedying that by backing your book (in the hope that you will address the wise comments made about it already) and four-starring it.
Xavant
X.V. Anthony
That Certain Feeling

Hi Kathryn Read the first chapter. Ironically i was drawn in as I was personally in Sardinia in 1969! I definately plan on coming back and reading more. Instead of saying Critism perhaps mention comments or feed back ; it's less negative. Good luck
Red

Thank you so much for your comment and have followed through! Hope you enjoy the book if you come back. we still go back every year.

Hi Kathryn Read the first chapter. Ironically i was drawn in as I was personally in Sardinia in 1969! I definately plan on coming back and reading more. Instead of saying Critism perhaps mention comments or feed back ; it's less negative. Good luck
Red

Hi Kathryn

The first thing I'd suggest is that you break up some of your paragraphs. It's a problem I also had. Whilst in Word or printed the paragraph size look OK, on Autho it seems to be magnified. Cutting them up will make it easier for people to read. Obviously you can't do it everywhere, but where you can, I'd advise that you do.

OK, good first paragraph, you set the scene well. Personally, it's a bit much for me, I like to open a book and be right in the thick of action, but it's working nonetheless.

'Beppe didn't reply he was undoing the rough bandaging...' you need a comma after reply to make this read right.

The prologue is OK. Not much seems to happen though, I don't know if you can add something in? Something that tells us about Beppe, what kind of man he is etc? At the moment I don't really feel that I know him :( I'm surprised that this was set in 1969, for some reason it struck me as being set much earlier.

Chapter 1
Like the POV switch.
'The words were run together with a well rehearsed...', think you're missing a word?
You use a lot of commas that I think could be cut back a little and a couple of other missing words, but a good read through will pick these up.

Chapter 2
When Elise wakes, you could drop the 'to herself' after smiles. I'm guessing she's alone so would be smiling at herself.

Chapter 3
Your dialogue works well. I think a little expansion on Elise's past when she's explaining everything to Maria would be a big help. So far, I don't really feel I know much about Elise, or have any reason to feel anything towards her, apart from the fact she's a victim of domestic violence. Some doubts about leaving William, even though he's a bad egg, or something might help.

So far, it doesn't feel like much has happened. There's lots of description which is good, you do that very well, but I do think that it'd be nice to have something happen in these first three chapters, whether it's something like glimpsing Beppe and registering that she thinks he's good looking, or something.

That being said, I'm an avid chick-lit reader, not romance in general, so it might well be that this is quite normal. I could just be ignorant to this style of writing, so big apologies if I am being lol

I think you have a good plot. A formerly abused wife escaping to beautiful Sardinia and finding love, but I think a bit of an edit will come in handy.

I hope I've not been harsh :(

Silva

Thank you so much for your critique and for taking the time to read my piece. I will certainly look into the points you have made. Much appreciated. All the best Kathryn

Hi Kathryn

The first thing I'd suggest is that you break up some of your paragraphs. It's a problem I also had. Whilst in Word or printed the paragraph size look OK, on Autho it seems to be magnified. Cutting them up will make it easier for people to read. Obviously you can't do it everywhere, but where you can, I'd advise that you do.

OK, good first paragraph, you set the scene well. Personally, it's a bit much for me, I like to open a book and be right in the thick of action, but it's working nonetheless.

'Beppe didn't reply he was undoing the rough bandaging...' you need a comma after reply to make this read right.

The prologue is OK. Not much seems to happen though, I don't know if you can add something in? Something that tells us about Beppe, what kind of man he is etc? At the moment I don't really feel that I know him :( I'm surprised that this was set in 1969, for some reason it struck me as being set much earlier.

Chapter 1
Like the POV switch.
'The words were run together with a well rehearsed...', think you're missing a word?
You use a lot of commas that I think could be cut back a little and a couple of other missing words, but a good read through will pick these up.

Chapter 2
When Elise wakes, you could drop the 'to herself' after smiles. I'm guessing she's alone so would be smiling at herself.

Chapter 3
Your dialogue works well. I think a little expansion on Elise's past when she's explaining everything to Maria would be a big help. So far, I don't really feel I know much about Elise, or have any reason to feel anything towards her, apart from the fact she's a victim of domestic violence. Some doubts about leaving William, even though he's a bad egg, or something might help.

So far, it doesn't feel like much has happened. There's lots of description which is good, you do that very well, but I do think that it'd be nice to have something happen in these first three chapters, whether it's something like glimpsing Beppe and registering that she thinks he's good looking, or something.

That being said, I'm an avid chick-lit reader, not romance in general, so it might well be that this is quite normal. I could just be ignorant to this style of writing, so big apologies if I am being lol

I think you have a good plot. A formerly abused wife escaping to beautiful Sardinia and finding love, but I think a bit of an edit will come in handy.

I hope I've not been harsh :(

Silva

You said my reviews were harsh. I tend to disagree, An editor’s “No.” is far more harsh. And at least I tell you why?

But still, it does mean you know what to expect from me ;–) It also means that other then a reminder that what I have to say is on structure and approach, not you, the story, or your potential as an author, here we go:

First, a suggestion: to maintain indentation while removing the extra line spacing, replace the paragraph marks with line feeds (shift/return rather then just return). If you’re on MS Word, do a replace-all, from ^p to ^l (lower case L not a number one).

On to the Story:

My reaction to the first paragraph was that it was good. It was from you, but set the scene and acted as the “establishing shot” we often see in a film presentation.

The second paragraph was more of the same and made me say, “Ahh… this is a literary work, where description and wording are valued as equal to the story’s pacing. Though later, that seemed not the case.

With the third I realized that you were in omniscient POV, which can be made to work, but tends to be less emotionally connected because of its external approach. My question to you, at this point, is if it was a decision, so far as POV choice, or accidental. It seems accidental.

• Beppe, the elder, was thin with deep set eyes that seemed to have a lost, faraway look.

An interesting problem. To whom does he have this look? You’re not there as a participant in the story, yet present it as a viewed opinion, which would continue the overview feel.
My problem is that we’ve seen 333 words, the full first and second manuscript pages, and nothing has happened. The picture presented is static.

At the end of the paragraph we know he’s the elder. We know he’s not a youth. We know he’s not normally a laborer, and that he has no gray in his hair. But how old is he? No idea. Why is her there? Not a clue. My point is, why tell me so much overview while providing so little of the actual story?

• His white shirt and black trousers were stained by the fine reddish earth.

You’re describing what you see in your mind when you visualize the scene. And you know what led to his being there, which helps you. But as a reader I don’t know why he’d be dumb enough to wear a white shirt when it’s going to get dusty, and that’s of far more interest then the fact that it is dusty. Since it doesn’t seem to bother him, why are you telling me this?

• His face, though stern, had its lines softened by years of happy marriage and the blessing of three fine healthy children.

Generalities. How many years? Does he have children now, or are they grown? That’s the story. The whys matter more then the picture. There is an exercise where people are given a picture and asked to describe the events leading up to the picture. That’s the story.

• He was in his early forties, but his dark straight hair was already flecked with grey.

You’ve given me the effect. Here, you present the cause. Can this approach be real and exciting to a reader?

• He leaned on his long handled shovel and surveyed his work.

He’s working in a peach orchard, as far as we know. What work does one do with a shovel in a peach orchard? And what does “surveyed his work,” mean to someone who doesn’t know why he’s there, how long he’s been there, or what he was trying to accomplish?

Basically, you’re watching a play in your mind and listing what you see, event by event. But that’s a report. It’s him and what he is and hopes to be that matters to someone seeking a story. His hands, you say, aren’t callused. Is he in pain because of that? You tell me, after this, that the last of the trees had been watered. With a shovel? How does one water with a shovel? And why watered? According to Wikipedia the area isn’t a desert, though you imply that it is and always has been. (and also assume that by the place-name only the reader will place them).

• ‘I don’t drink like you did last night.' replied his brother.

In general, tags should only be used when there’s a doubt of who’s speaking or they impart more then who’s speaking. When the reader knows, but whose turn it is to speak, or by vocabulary choice, it’s best to leave them out.

• I’ve come back Beppe. ’ whispered the young girl softly laying a hand on his bare arm. Her touch felt cool on his fevered skin.

You’ve initially placed her in the distance, far enough that he has to shield his eyes to make her out. Then, without transition, she whispers to him? Impossible. He’s there, in real time, and has had his attention attracted to her. He HAS to react to her approach, even if only to turn to his brother and ask, “Who’s that?”

He’s seen her coming closer for several hundred feet, holding out her arms like a sleepwalker, yet in that time, because the viewpoint is yours, not his, we don’t see him even wondering who it is, or seeing her as being familiar.

Here’s the point, and here’s where I get harsh:

You, as yourself, are telling me this story, and doing it as a series of events, all from your POV. We’re given what you notice and think important, not what the characters do.

But what is POV? If we both went into a room, walked around, then wrote a report on what we saw, and deduced from that, they would be totally different. An interior designer would talk about how the room looked and what did and didn’t work. An electrician might comment on needing more outlets, frayed cords, and personal tastes, while a detective would talk about the person who lived there.

If you tell the story from your POV, everyone will speak with your voice and think like you. They’ll be smart when smart is needed and inattentive when the plot requires them to be.

Worse, because you know the story, and what you want the scene to accomplish, you’ll hear your own voice, delivering the proper emotion in the proper tone, accompanied by the proper storyteller’s expression and body language. Words are the lyrics, and emotion the melody, and for a storyteller the emotional part of the story is expressed nonverbally, contained in those elements I just mentioned, and presented in parallel with the facts of the story. That’s done because the storyteller is alone on stage, and the audience can both hear and see them. The rules change if that storyteller is on the radio, and the body language part is lost.

When you read this, knowing the story, the lyrics, alone, will cause the “melody” to play as you read, and the piece is complete: Words and music, events and emotion. But what do we do when the reader doesn’t know the melody and has been given the lyrics, only? They have that, and they know how to play the instrument, but they haven’t knowledge of the melody. That cannot duplicate your performance because they can’t tell how to present a line they’ve yet to read unless they know the character and situation as well as you do.

The answer is that we give the reader what such a situation has always demanded, the equivalent of sheet music, so they can play and sing, exactly as you intended. Mark Twain put it succinctly when he said, “Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.” To that I would add that it’s our job to make her (and the reader) want to scream, not just do it.

Facts annoy a reader. Gossip, though… readers love gossip. “So what did he do when she said that? What did he think?” “Did you hear what Henry did when Sally…”

Fiction is emotion based, and readers want to know what the protagonist feels and does when presented with an “Oh shit,” situation. The facts of it? Who cares? That’s history. But the REACTION, and the sweating, and the scrabbling to pull success from the jaws of defeat—the cliff-hanger—that gets the reader’s pulse-rate climbing.

So why aren’t you doing that now? You certainly have the story and the desire. Why are you telling the story as if we’re together? Because that’s what you, and I, and everyone else has been taught to do, by people who are no more fiction writers than we are.

It’s not that they’re making a mistake in what they’re teaching, though. The mistake is in not realizing, and telling us, that what they’re teaching are the author-centric, fact-based techniques of the nonfiction writer, who needs only the lyrics. That’s perfect for everything but a career in writing because it works for letters, reports, and most things we need writing for.

And the solution to the problem turns out to be fairly simple: Learn the approach and methods that work for fiction. We already know grammar, and composition. We just need to learn how to present the same story from the character’s POV, in real time, so there will be a feeling of time passing, deadlines looming, and worry about an uncertain future.

The techniques are easy to learn. Making them automatic? A bit harder, and certainly time-consuming, but with practice it comes.

For a sample of what I mean, read these articles. They cover two of the most important differences between fiction and non-fiction writing:

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.phphttp://www.be-a-better-writer.com/scenes-and-sequels.html

It’s a bit like trying to take a drink from a fire-hose, I’m afraid, and certainly not what you were hoping to hear. Worse yet, changing over will be the hardest task in writing that you will ever do because many years of training and practice will shout, “No, that’s wrong,” each time you try to change your approach.

So first, see if it’s worth the effort. Read the articles, then look at a few modern novels to see if the writing tends to conform in approach to what I and the articles have been suggesting. And if they do, perhaps the aggravation is worth the result.

Hang in there. And keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein

Thank you so very much. It is a lot to take it, but I will look at the sites and then the work. It is what I wanted a good honest critique, it might not be what I wanted to hear, but it is what I wanted and asked for. Thank you for your time and your help, it is very much appreciated. Many thanks. Kathryn
Kathryn

Thank you so very much for backing my book. I have put yours on my watch list. I tried to leave a message yesterday, but it seems there was a problem on the site. Many thanks and much appreciated. Kthryn Brookes The Whispering Wind

Kathryn - Your writing reminds me of good literature in my younger days! But now life is more urgent. Your Prologue is very atmospheric, with great descriptions, but it doesnt grab the reader's attention. Perhaps it would be more vivid if you introduced Beppe and Claudio as they talk or act, or as they see each other, rather than with narrative description?
I hope you will take this in the spirit with which it is offered...
Try and avoid unnecessary changes in point of view within a chapter.
Chapter 1 contains vivid descriptions of the airport and the drive. I've never been to Sardinia, but you engage the senses well. I didnt know there were flamingos there - you blend them well with the setting sun.
Will keep this on my wish list, and looking forward to dipping further.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my book. I will look again at the prologue. All the best Kathryn.

Kathryn - Your writing reminds me of good literature in my younger days! But now life is more urgent. Your Prologue is very atmospheric, with great descriptions, but it doesnt grab the reader's attention. Perhaps it would be more vivid if you introduced Beppe and Claudio as they talk or act, or as they see each other, rather than with narrative description?
I hope you will take this in the spirit with which it is offered...
Try and avoid unnecessary changes in point of view within a chapter.
Chapter 1 contains vivid descriptions of the airport and the drive. I've never been to Sardinia, but you engage the senses well. I didnt know there were flamingos there - you blend them well with the setting sun.
Will keep this on my wish list, and looking forward to dipping further.
Jane (Breath of Africa)

I have been checking in on this book since it first appeared and it just gets better and better. The basic structure of the romance was appealing from the start, set against the wonderful backdrop of an island the author knows so well and loves so much. The enthusiasm is infectious and whoever is trying to market holidays in Sardinia should pay Kathryn a retainer immediately. The most wonderful thing about this site is watching how an author develops a character. Elise has always been a sympathetic MC and one that many readers will love. However over the last few months her emotional development has been very accomplished and now we empathise and identify with her and are rooting for her romance to end happily, even as we guess that the author may have arranged a more melancholy future for her.

You are kind thank you so much. When all fails, perhaps I will take up your idea and promote the island!! Let me know when you have finished your edit. Kindest regards Kathryn

I have been checking in on this book since it first appeared and it just gets better and better. The basic structure of the romance was appealing from the start, set against the wonderful backdrop of an island the author knows so well and loves so much. The enthusiasm is infectious and whoever is trying to market holidays in Sardinia should pay Kathryn a retainer immediately. The most wonderful thing about this site is watching how an author develops a character. Elise has always been a sympathetic MC and one that many readers will love. However over the last few months her emotional development has been very accomplished and now we empathise and identify with her and are rooting for her romance to end happily, even as we guess that the author may have arranged a more melancholy future for her.

Hi. Only had time to browse through, enough to like and back it. As soon as I have more
time (in a few days) I think I shall comment more. Coukd you specify which chapter(s) would you like me to comment?
Meantime, please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN.
Dan

Hi. Only had time to browse through, enough to like and back it. As soon as I have more
time (in a few days) I think I shall comment more. Coukd you specify which chapter(s) would you like me to comment?
Meantime, please check TO KILL A DEAD MAN.
Dan

I'm a fan of prologues and yours worked well. You set the scene skillfully, making the landscape leap of the paper.
Scents, colours, the heat too, all well portrayed although if I might venture a thought. In the first paragraph, I quickly got the impression you intended. That the heat was overpowering...maybe a little too much 'pounding, savage blaze, relentless rays, stifling heat, searing temperatures, shrivelled under its scorching touch, parched, arid,' in a few short lines. Just my opinion sent with respect.
Sometimes, less is more. That apart, I sense a dark, love story emerging. One which is told in confident style, pleasing to read and in capable hands.
Happy to star this and support on my shelf. Margaret.

Thank you so much for your comment and I will be looking at it. Thank you for backing my book much appreciated. I am looking forward to reading your book, but at the moment time seems to be is high speed mode, but I will get there. Thank you for the comment, as I have said before, putting ones work out to such a lot of talented people, is rather like standing naked in the street! All the best Kathryn

I'm a fan of prologues and yours worked well. You set the scene skillfully, making the landscape leap of the paper.
Scents, colours, the heat too, all well portrayed although if I might venture a thought. In the first paragraph, I quickly got the impression you intended. That the heat was overpowering...maybe a little too much 'pounding, savage blaze, relentless rays, stifling heat, searing temperatures, shrivelled under its scorching touch, parched, arid,' in a few short lines. Just my opinion sent with respect.
Sometimes, less is more. That apart, I sense a dark, love story emerging. One which is told in confident style, pleasing to read and in capable hands.
Happy to star this and support on my shelf. Margaret.

Hi Kathryn,
It looks as if you updated this since JS Watts commented about needed a bit more drive in chapter one. It certainly has that now--along with the lovingly crafted descriptions. As a humble suggestion, you might implant a "dissonant chord" from the get-go. After the opening about the midday sun, maybe: It was the kind of heat that could suck the life from you. I've seen best-selling author Martha Grimes do this kind of thing effectively. Like in a symphony, beneath a beautiful soaring melody, an ominous chord can lurk for a similar impression. The sentence before calling Elise to go for help was ambiguous to me, a bit confusing. If that is your intent, I apologize. Chapters two and three moved well and beautifully. Will try to pop in for a further read as I can. I've read enough to know this deserves a high star rating. Thus starred. Thank you.
JBCampbell

Thank you so much for your comments, much appreciated. I will look at it again. I wish you all the best for your novel. I certainly enjoyed reading part of it. Kathryn Brookes

Hi Kathryn,
It looks as if you updated this since JS Watts commented about needed a bit more drive in chapter one. It certainly has that now--along with the lovingly crafted descriptions. As a humble suggestion, you might implant a "dissonant chord" from the get-go. After the opening about the midday sun, maybe: It was the kind of heat that could suck the life from you. I've seen best-selling author Martha Grimes do this kind of thing effectively. Like in a symphony, beneath a beautiful soaring melody, an ominous chord can lurk for a similar impression. The sentence before calling Elise to go for help was ambiguous to me, a bit confusing. If that is your intent, I apologize. Chapters two and three moved well and beautifully. Will try to pop in for a further read as I can. I've read enough to know this deserves a high star rating. Thus starred. Thank you.
JBCampbell

Hi K,
Sorry for the delay.
Happily backing your work. You've a good, smooth flow of words - sentences which logically and joyfully one to another.

blessings,
jim

Thank you so much for your comment and for backing my book. What a bonus and very much appreciated.
Hope that 2011 brings you all you wish yourself. Kind regards Kathryn Brookes

Hi K,
Sorry for the delay.
Happily backing your work. You've a good, smooth flow of words - sentences which logically and joyfully one to another.

blessings,
jim

Kathryn -

The Whispering Wind - I love Italy and have visited some ot it islands, but not Sardinia. You introduce the place with its lights, colours and scents embracing Elise who just lost her father and takes a break from her unwholesome husband. Relieved to have got away for a holiday, but lonely, Elise is easily welcomed by Maria and her warm and affectionate family. I read four chapters, had to, so as not to miss Elise and Beppe's meeting. It looks like this is going to be a wonderful romance but already there is darkness foreshadowed in the form of Beppe's controlling mother. And I expect there to be a clash with the deeply religious traditions on the island. I noticed a few small nits, like commas missing, and maybe a few too many ... It was ... but your write like a painter with sensitive eye for nuances. Came here because you started a thread for Brian and his Lions :) Rated with golden stars. Best success. Pia

Thank you so very much for your very generous remarks on my book. Punctuation, never was my strong point and I only spell because of spellcheck being somewhat dyslexic! As for Brian I really don't know why his book hasn't gone up further it is quite an amazing book. I was intreged by your book and will find time to dip into it.
Again many thanks and all the best for 2011. Kathryn.

Kathryn -

The Whispering Wind - I love Italy and have visited some ot it islands, but not Sardinia. You introduce the place with its lights, colours and scents embracing Elise who just lost her father and takes a break from her unwholesome husband. Relieved to have got away for a holiday, but lonely, Elise is easily welcomed by Maria and her warm and affectionate family. I read four chapters, had to, so as not to miss Elise and Beppe's meeting. It looks like this is going to be a wonderful romance but already there is darkness foreshadowed in the form of Beppe's controlling mother. And I expect there to be a clash with the deeply religious traditions on the island. I noticed a few small nits, like commas missing, and maybe a few too many ... It was ... but your write like a painter with sensitive eye for nuances. Came here because you started a thread for Brian and his Lions :) Rated with golden stars. Best success. Pia

Dear Kathryn,
I read your first two chapters. I must tell you I went and looked up exactly where Sardina was and found mysef fascinated by its rich history. Your lovely descriptions made we want to fly there immediately. You brought the landscape to life.
I would like to suggest you use a serif font. That is something like Time Roman. If you go in Barnes and Noble and pick up the best sellers, they're all published in serif fonts (have little feet on the letters) because they're easier to read. Another structural complaint is your first tab is too deep - it detracts from reading the story, slows down the reader, which you don't want to do. Best of luck with this.
Caroline
Summer Rose

Thank you so much for your comments. The morning has been spent sorting it out! Very generous help Thank you.

Dear Kathryn,
I read your first two chapters. I must tell you I went and looked up exactly where Sardina was and found mysef fascinated by its rich history. Your lovely descriptions made we want to fly there immediately. You brought the landscape to life.
I would like to suggest you use a serif font. That is something like Time Roman. If you go in Barnes and Noble and pick up the best sellers, they're all published in serif fonts (have little feet on the letters) because they're easier to read. Another structural complaint is your first tab is too deep - it detracts from reading the story, slows down the reader, which you don't want to do. Best of luck with this.
Caroline
Summer Rose

I love this fascinating story well deserved of praise - I won't be slow to back this one!

Colette Whelan
An All Consuming Love

Thank you for your comments and support. Many thanks Kathryn

I've only read the first chapter but the story is immediately interesting and is pitched about right for the market you are aiming for. I just think you perhaps need to read it through aloud to get rid of a few repetitions that spoil your writing. (eg see below)
A couple of small grammatical points - his hands were not calloused like his brother's (add s)
This hard-baked soil drained the strength of all who had worked it...
The last sent of the first para - need to distinguish between wind and rain - mainy rainless days had transformed the land ... and the drying sirocco wind had rendered the groves....
Also beware of repeating words (groves/trees) within a para.
Good luck with it
Alison Tom's Daughters

Many thanks for your kind comments. Will sort them out and for backing my book thank you very much.

I've only read the first chapter but the story is immediately interesting and is pitched about right for the market you are aiming for. I just think you perhaps need to read it through aloud to get rid of a few repetitions that spoil your writing. (eg see below)
A couple of small grammatical points - his hands were not calloused like his brother's (add s)
This hard-baked soil drained the strength of all who had worked it...
The last sent of the first para - need to distinguish between wind and rain - mainy rainless days had transformed the land ... and the drying sirocco wind had rendered the groves....
Also beware of repeating words (groves/trees) within a para.
Good luck with it
Alison Tom's Daughters

I love this fascinating story well deserved of praise - I won't be slow to back this one!

Colette Whelan
An All Consuming Love

A beautiful, descriptive opening, but I wonder if the lovingly detailed description of the countryside has taken over from the plot and the need to hook your readers up front? For me the book came alive with chapter 2 and chapter 1 faded into the background like a hazy summer afternoon dream. This, of course may have been your intention, so apologies if that is the case.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Thank you so much for your kind comment on my book. I have looked at that again and I agree it needs a bit more info on why Beppe has seen Elise. May I wish you all the best for 2011 and thank you once again for taking the time to look at my work.

A beautiful, descriptive opening, but I wonder if the lovingly detailed description of the countryside has taken over from the plot and the need to hook your readers up front? For me the book came alive with chapter 2 and chapter 1 faded into the background like a hazy summer afternoon dream. This, of course may have been your intention, so apologies if that is the case.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Thank you so much for backing my book. Very much appreciated. I hope to find time to review one of your books over the holiday. Meanwhile Season's Greetings. regards Kathryn. The Whispering Wind

Your story is enchanting and I have no hesitation in backing it - please have a look at my books - thankyou and goodluck - !

I read bits of the beginning, middle and end.
There's lots about it that I find very good - but the reasons why it is good are also, in a way, the reasons why it is not better.
Kathryn - it's too smooth, and too polite. So much of the conversation is polished, phatic and inconsequential. It is true to life - too true to life, the kind of ordered and orderly life which we may meet throughout a well-ordered and predictable life; I felt throughout that I wanted things to be a little less predictable, a little more rough-edged and taut. A modicum of stress is good for the health, and in fiction maybe even more than a modicum of stress is essential to keep the reader's attention. I would suggest that you roughen it up a little throughout, and I believe that it will then grab the reader's attention more securely.
Very best wishes for your book.
RT

Thank you so much for taking the time to look at the whispering wind. I will take note and try to roughen it up a bit. Thank you much appreciated. Best wishes

I read bits of the beginning, middle and end.
There's lots about it that I find very good - but the reasons why it is good are also, in a way, the reasons why it is not better.
Kathryn - it's too smooth, and too polite. So much of the conversation is polished, phatic and inconsequential. It is true to life - too true to life, the kind of ordered and orderly life which we may meet throughout a well-ordered and predictable life; I felt throughout that I wanted things to be a little less predictable, a little more rough-edged and taut. A modicum of stress is good for the health, and in fiction maybe even more than a modicum of stress is essential to keep the reader's attention. I would suggest that you roughen it up a little throughout, and I believe that it will then grab the reader's attention more securely.
Very best wishes for your book.
RT

Dear Kathryn, I love the plot of Elise escaping for a bad marriage because I identify with it, after 6 abusive marriage, which I tell about in my memoirs book. :) When I read your pitch & introduction, I said, "I wish I could go with Elise, too, & live happily ever after." :) Your nice large lettering & tight paragraphs & dialogue made for a great read all of the way through chapter 27, "there 2 souls will reach out to one another" is a beautiful ending & that is what I would like, too. :) You helped me to dream big & I love your story & hope you will write a million more. :) I have read, commented on, & put your book on my watchlist to 24-hour back when space opens on my bookshelf. :) I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** & back my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :) Love, Susie :) p.s every ******-ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :)

:) comment to follow after I've read your book - read & commented on 5 hours later :)

Hi Kathryn,

It is a story of men and women who never think about consquences when they are jumping into pits of problems. You are giving some messages to the readers throuh your novel. starred.

Joy

This is a unique narrative that is careful crafted to enages us with every page that turned. Charcters are polished and the diolouge rich in tone. Tarrant

I read the into, prologue, and first chapter. The work is very well written. It's on my WL until I can back it. Chuck

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my opening chapters.
I have taken note of all you have said and will now rewrite sections of it. Thank you for help it really is very much appreciated.
As for your book the more I read it the more I love it. I read it on my computer when I have a moment and then in the evening read it on my iphone. A great story and beautifully written. Are you a Mozart or a Salliero? Does it come easily, or is it hard work, because it appears to just flow naturally. Wonderful.

Dear Kathryn

Beppe and Elise are well drawn main characters but eclipsed by the real MC of this romance, the island of Sardinia itself. When someone has a passion for a subject or a place, listening to their voice as they talk about it is always fascinating. Your wistful opening with Beppe 'seeing' Elise again after twenty five years or so is a super hook and the tantalising back story you reveal is well judged. They have unfinished business these two. He has somehow sinned and she has behaved badly. Have they had a child together? I want to know but you are going to reveal it all to me slowly and I know from the outset that I will be kept on a tender hook until the last page. There are elements of Francis Mayes 'Under the Tuscan Sun' in this and also Peter Mayles 'A Good Year.' I enjoyed both film adaptations but preferred the books. Elise in 1969 is on the run from a cad of a husband and in the chapters you have uploaded is clearly falling in love with the Island and Beppe simultaneously. Your descriptive passages come straight from the heart and are wonderful. I have been to Sicily, Corsica, Capri, Majorca, Malta, Gozo, Crete, Cyprus and many of the Aegean islands but never to Sardinia. I now want to go next year. My advice for improving this is to look at some of the dialogue. I dont know Sards but it seems unlikely to me that Maria would confide so much personal information to Elise in their early conversations. You make it clear that this solitary Italian speaking Englishwoman is somewhat different to the philistine Brit, Italian and German families who usually holiday in the villa and order the locals about. Surely the Sards - all of them - would be most engaged in enquiring why exactly Elise is there? Elise also should be more troubled than she is. Ok you mention she is thin and tired and lacks appetite but I would like to see a bit more drama here. Tears? Unburdening herself to Maria? She is soon falling into Beppe's arms and it is all going fine and so far there is no indication of what goes wrong - Most fiction romances need an element of conflict to fully engage the reader. I liked that aspect of 'A Good Year' with Russel Crowe knocking Marion Cotillard off her bicycle and she almost drowning him in the viilla swimming pool and then lots of verbal sparring before their romance blossoms. No need to follow cliche but perhaps more tension in this romance is needed. She still is married to William is she? Finally I think the scene where Beppe takes Elise to Nora by boat set up a great opportunity. He carries her out of the boat !! This first physical contact, natural and unaffected seems to me to be a key scene. You should make more of it. Sorry to carp on - I really have enjoyed it and would like to read more and find out what happens and how you resolve this delightful menage a trois. Elise, Beppe and Sardinia.
regards

Brian

You've created a beautiful setting, both in the intro and the prologue. It would be hard for people to imagine the pace of life, were it not for your explanations. Your narrative is poetic, and the dialogue adds to the feel of your story.

You've got a few typos. Intro - "Phone calls had to booked", missing "be". Most of the others relate to dialogue, and how you handle it. You're missing a few quotation marks and commas.

An enjoyable read. Many stars!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Elise. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. I have given you a high star rating. Space should open up on my shelf in the next couple of days and I will back your book then.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning