Melaney and the Mirror

YARG!! It's a pirates review.

Brittany, I got so into this that I couldn't put it down until I had read the whole thing. Melany and the Mirror is quite possibly one of the greatest stories I've ever read. It was brilliant from start to finish. I haven't got any criticism for you, because this story doesn't need any. It's amazing the way it is. I loved every part of it, you gave me a heroine to chreer for and a villan to boo at. I was actually in tears by the end of it.

I can't really say anything else, other than it's brilliant.
Highly starred.

Karen.

PS: I can't wait to read that sequel you're writng.

Melaney. What a likeable character. The second she said she didn’t like to miss school because she would have to spend time catching up with homework and quizzes, I was like that’s me. Instant connection and a need to read more about her. . . . Just maybe we would be more alike.

“ .. . like Santa threw up in her school.” LOL! what a line. dang, that was funny and genius.

just a thought: maybe expand the Japanese name, ‘Hidoriko’. It will come off as very funny.

I think you should put the fun facts and info after the end of the book as an appendices. It might distract the reader just a bit. The majority of them will not want to be spoiled and not read it and want to go straight into the story.

I absolutely love your dialogue. I didn’t notice how strong it was until Nolan and Melaney were talking about Hidoriko. Wow! It really took me by surprise right then. Melaney suddenly started sounding like my sister. Good stuff!

Nice ending with the mirror. Now I’m debating about telling you something, but I’m going to anyway. I think you have to split the chap in two because it’s just too long. You don’t want to turn away readers. Your writing is way too good to be where you are in the ranking. You need to be in the top 100 . . . easily. I’ve noticed a few books like yours where they are superbly written but they are not in the top 100. The two things they have in common, one being they are fantastic, is that they have very long first chapters. I’m probably wrong about the reason but it’s worth a try and you to think about. Definitely 6 stars. Jeeze, Brittany, you made me laugh so hard at some parts. Oh and I'm putting your Santa throw up metaphor on my bio page for line of the week.

When I first read the title "Melaney and The Mirror" the story which came to my mind was "Snow White" where the witch asks the mirror who is the most beautiful women in the world. But both the story have got nothing in common. In fact your one is amazing. I loved your imagination and the way you have wrote it is perfect. I like your style of writing. Infact, I must say a movie can be made out of your story. The idea of the mirror and another world is perfect. I will give it all six stars. You deserve it.

Brilliant finish. I won't say too much here, because I don't want to spoil the ending, but the fact that I read all 31 chapters speaks volumes about this book. How many readers make it past the first 3 chapters of any book on this site? Exactly. Backed.

What an intense ending to volume 5. This is probably one of the fastest paced books on the site. Melaney is a true heroine and It Tsuke totally redeemed himself, but when will they have their love connection? After everything they've been through-- saving both worlds, freeing the souls, near-death experiences, they deserve to be together. I have a feeling that when they finally end up as a couple, it will be beautiful. I can't wait to see how you end the story, but then again, I might not want it to end.

Very nice work! There is a lot in here that will draw in young adults, mainly Melaney's upcoming adventure in the alternity, but also her family and friends in the "real" world, the interesting tidbits about Japanese culture, romance, and her grandma's history with the alternity. I look forward to reading more and seeing how she manages to overcome the odds against her. Highly starred!

YARG review:
I've read the first three chapters, and I'm hooked! Melanie is a great protagonist, and I like the way you portray her relationship with her brother. You write really well, with just the right amount of descriptive detail, and the dialogue is realistic. From what I've read so far, the storyline is gripping and the other world is intriguing. WIth plenty of action and mystery I can see this being a hit with teenagers. This is a fascinating, absorbing read, and I'll be sure to read the rest soon!
Emma

YARG.
I expected this story to be a little like Alice in Wonderland but it certainly was not. Instead a crisp storyline that drags the reader a little like It-Tsuke dragged Melany from the forest. Lovely characters and descriptions across the board. It has the feeling of an Old Japanese folk story and I do love them. Voted Roku (6) and will be set aside on my B/S until I can return to complete my read. I have so many at the moment that I had to drag myself away from this beautiful story to complete them. Domo Arigato for a lovely tale.
Christian

YARG & reading swap
Hi Brittany,
you've got some wonderful ideas here. I love the mirror, drawing as it does from both 'Alice in the Looking Glass' and 'Snow White'. I also absolutely loved the romance between Melaney's younger brother and the Japanese girl. The use of Japanese and the uniqueness and charm of this sub-plot really leapt off the page for me.
The niggles are a slight over use of backstory (particularly early in Chp1) and a slightly shallow POV in places.

Here are the notes I made as I was reading. They are verbatim, so I haven't put them in diplomatic language, it's just what I thought as I thought it!! Feel free to ignore.

Not completely convinced by the opening poetry/verse. Not sure about the opening line of prose, you need something that is more intriguing or that packs a bigger punch.

There’s quite a lot of backstory here. The action only really gets going with the dialogue with Christa. You could quite easily cut up to here and start with that. Or perhaps boil down the first few paragraphs of backstory into just the bare essentials, 1-2 paragraphs at most. You’d be amazed at how much we don’t need to know!

Even after the short conversation with Christa, there’s a bit more backstory. You could perhaps put some of it into the dialogue, or break it up with a bit more dialogue. It gets a bit repetitive at times:
“she wasn’t convinced that love was anything bigger than what they had, so she stayed with him” is very similar to “she stayed with him because she thought what they had was all love could be” a couple paragraphs earlier.

Love the bit about the younger brother and the Japanese exchange student. Delightful and makes me want to read more.

Chp2:
‘obnoxious’ is that a word she would use? Sounds quite judgemental for her. Stands out a little for not being fully in her POV. I know it's not dialogue but it's from her POV so it needs to be in her language.

She sounds a bit too prim in the conversation with Levi about school. It’s putting me off her a little. I’m all for working hard but sounds a little odd coming from a teenager! As does “Somehow I think your mind is far from math or science” Can’t she say ‘no’ in a more playful way? It would make his reaction seem more unkind and make us identify with her more.

‘Melaney explained sincerely’ and ‘Melaney asked a bit annoyed’ are spoon-feeding your reader too much. Let us work out whether she is sincere/annoyed or not, don’t tell us. You could say something which intimates her annoyance, e.g. ‘Melaney frowned’.

“tiresome” doesn’t sound like the sort of word a teenage boy would use.

Again the Japanese girl and little brother storyline is wonderfully unusual and charming.
The descriptions of what is happening in the mirror are well done. Intriguing and a great idea. Fantastic.

All the best with this. Five stars for now!
Sharda.
Please take a look at mine when you get the chance.
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Now not only have I read your first three chapters but also a lot of your comments, and doing so has put me in a slightly awkward position, which I will explain.
This is clearly a YA novel, and your readers are full of praise as far as your comments go, which is great. I also wouldn't wish to disagree too much with your target audience, as it's them that you need to impress. Plus, I do see where they are coming from, there is some quality writing there, some good characters, and the start of a promising novel.
The flip side, or should that be mirror image, is that as an adult reader I have a few issues with it. First, there's a good hook with the necklace being found, but then we drop into a school setting and it seems a little bit formulaic (she doesn't fit in, a detached parent, relationship issues). There were also a few places where your writing isn't as sharp as others, but that's more a compliment on your strength in some places than a criticism of not hitting those heights all of the time.
In summary I think it's a case of wishing you well, and complimenting you on the good points I can see, and the fact that you have hit the right buttons with your target audience. Personally I just wish you had mixed things up a bit, maybe start off in the mirror world, then give us the backstory, and the real world elements. Having said that please don't take any of this as criticism, it's more a case of the book not suiting me than any problem with your writing. I'd be interested to see how you would write something targeted at an older audience as I have a feeling you would be able to pull it off quite well.
Best wishes,
James

It starts off a bit reptitive. I think you could cut some small things out to make it flow more smoothly. In the second paragraph, for example, you could cut "Things were simpler for her then," because you've done a good job of portraying that already with the first paragraph alone. Then in the next sentence you once again state how simple everything was. Perhaps consider cutting that out as well.

Oh, a character named Christa! Sorry, I always get excited when i see that, even if my name is spelled with a K.

Anyway, you do a nice job with the dialogue--it seems genuine and not forced. I also like the little details you add in about the characters, like Christa not getting caught for chewing gum. I knew girls like that when I was in high school - never liked them, either. I'm a mean person.

"They had a great relationship for siblings." - I think you should avoid saying things like this, because they tell instead of show. We readers can deduce as much through your writing. I think you underestimate your own writing here, because we do understand these things without you coming out and saying them.

Anyway, your pitch is very good. One of the best I've seen. I always find pitching to be the hardest part.

-Krista
Wrong

YARG review: Hello Brittany! Genius plot, the background is fantastic, love the history and sibling relationship before you jump into the mirror world. I only noticed a few things while reading and they were all in chapter one. Of course, just suggestions, so feel free to discard if you don’t like them. (: Ch. 1: “This was (the) first Monday she’d gone to school in a week...” When Melaney is talking about Levi and how the girls hated her, I would break it up into two shorter sentences. Example: “The other girls in school hated her even more when they started dating. Before that they just pitied her for being one of the new ‘less fortunate’ students.” Makes it a little easier to read that way. So I’ve read several chapters so far and I just love where this story is going! Love the sassy side of Melaney, love It Tsuke (best name ever, by the way). This is exceptionally well written and the ideas are fantastic and original. Six stars for a great read!!! And can’t wait to finish reading it!! (:

Bre Memoria

Hiya, here for the read I promised!

I like the idea for your story, and your characters are believable and relatable. Your writing is polished and flows well.

Here are a few constructive comments:

I thought this sentence would read better like this - ‘and although her passing was difficult for her mother, it made life easier.’

I don’t think a 16 year old would refer to older people as adults, 16 isn’t exactly a child.

The first Monday – there was a typo, you missed out the.

You can be very descriptive, they did this, then they did that, gets a bit repetitive and some things can be left unsaid, for example the school bell rang telling them that they should be in class – this explanation is redundant, everyone knows what a school bell is for, and if not, the fact that she then walks to class explains it.

The plot is reminiscent of many stories – Lion, Witch and Wardrobe etc. But I think that can be a good thing because as they say, if something isn’t broke, don’t fix it, and this genre is obviously lapped up by readers.

Hope this helps,

Good luck :)

Sharing my inner sunbeam and book Be The Human Sunshine, I return all reads and comments.

Blessings Clare :)

An amusing, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

YARG Review: This reminds me of Alice in Wonderland. I had high hopes for it after reading your pitch. I was excited to start reading, but it's a slow beginning. My interest didn't pick up again until the end of chapter two. Just my opinion here, but if I was you I would try something else at the beginning. Even if you want to show her having a normal life before getting sucked into the mirror, you could give us a taste of the danger to come. I do love it that she finds a note from her grandmother when she wakes up. Your dialogue is good. I didn't see any glaring mistakes. Like I said, love the idea, but the first chapter didn't grip me. Just my opinion. Take it or leave it. :)

YARG Review

Hey Brittany, I read the first three chapters of the book and it's an interesting mix of genres. The characters are convincing and the supernatural element works well though I think you should hint at it through the references to the grandmother from the very first chapter.

There are a couple of regular problems that you have with your writing though. They're quite noticeable at the moment but would be easy to address. The biggest one is that you don't use the past perfect tense enough (I had been/eaten/seen etc.) You should use it when referring to one event in the past which occurred before another - e.g. before her birthday she had been very nervous.. / They had eaten already when they arrived at the cinema. Sorry if this is patronising. Half of the corrections I have are due to this. At the moment, most of the time you are using the past simple e.g. - Before her birthday she was very nervous. In common speech this is sometimes possible but is rather hollow sounding and confusing in text.

Also you have to be careful not to repeat the same words or expressions too close together. This especially occurs with adjectives for some reason - small, perfect, etc. It is very jarring to read the same word repeated several times in a row unless used for a specific effect.

I really think your novel picks itself up in the 3rd chapter. The description of the gold on the meadow was particularly beautiful. I loved this idea and in general the other world is nicely drawn. I didn't like Melaney taking exception to here guide as he didn't really seem to do anything that should have got so angry. Still some really nice bits in there.

Here are all my close observations
CH1
If she had just been left for dead, everything would HAVE BEEN better
ago in 1997, when Melaney HAD just turned sixteen,
She had no idea that she would one day wish SHE’d never found it.
She remembered THE necklace – delete then
She WALKED up the steps - delete then
school work she’D kept up with all week in Florida.- past perfect
All the while, she couldn’t help but feel THE heavy dreadful feeling THAT everything
even though she’D BEEN gone a whole week,
stroke a check – doesn’t make sense
She’D always liked him because there was nothing
When the last school bell of the day finally buzzed, red and white flooded the halls once – I assume the red and white are the school uniform colours but it’s not very clear.
“Isn’t he OLD ENOUGH? He can’t walk himself?” – you use grown a lot but it doesn’t make sense if you mean grown up / mature it simply means to physically grow
It wasn’t that she didn’t like Levi, if his beautiful green eyes weren’t enough, surely the way only he could make the uniform look so good would be enough to make anyone stay. – Obviously they are not going to end up together by the end of the book but this is not a very good message to send out to young people. The world is full of women dating idiot men for all the wrong reasons and this reinforces it.
worked late hours at A FACTORY – most factories are industrial
He was a good kid who, like Melaney, WORKED HARD in his studies.
she said yes he acted like he’D died and GONE to heaven.
Respectful – not respected
He was running late, but it seemed he’D made it just
“I cannot believe my little brother is so grown UP!”
CH2
street melodically screeching (you use screeching too often) in the wind as IT held the memory of kids playing on IT in...
sarcastically as she plopped ONTO the tan couch.
“Fine,” he stated SIMPLY.
like that if he loved you BACK.” Nolan
Part of this could have been because their father wasn’t around and their mother was always working and never really saw them. – the reasoning in this paragraph is not clear
acted like a mother to Nolan as most siblings do in SUCH cases. She really thought the reason behind it was because Nolan acted so grown UP.
GLANCED at the clock on
concentrate after his big day. – delete today.
“Konbanwa.” He said good... = full stop as it isn’t actually a speech attribution
believe how charming he had BECOME.
hat and she wore a SWEET LITTLE dress with – to avoid the repetition of cute
Melaney knew Nolan didn’t want her to go home by herself, but she couldn’t let him take her home and ride back by himself when their mother would be home soon, so he let her go after she reassured him that she did that all of the time in Japan. – Very confusing –too many pronouns
dishes and left a plate with A note telling her what HER DAY HAD BEEN like.
she kept waking up realizing she HAD drifted off.
Maybe even a RAT. – delete possible
from a scary movie sleepover she’D had with Christa
Stepping carefully closer towards it to admire the CRAFTMANSHIP and design, she realized it still looked smooth and new, yet had a handcrafted, ANTIQUE design.
CH3
already know. Instead, you have been summoned TO THE Forest of the Unknown. (3 knowns in a very short space!)
“What are you doing with that?” he asked almost AGGRESSIVELY.
Melaney was appalled BY his forcefulness,
wondered if the forest was somehow alive. – all forests are alive – you mean sentient?
“It looks just like a small plum,” she said, staring at the BERRY – 2 smalls
the trip to ‘Mizu’, however long that WOULD take.
I wouldn’t have COME with you,”
“Speaking of WHICH, where exactly are you from?”
there’s no such place,” he SNAPPED. =-his comment isn’t a criticism
let her hands graze THE top of the
perfect view of the sunset in the distance immediately. She couldn’t help but be completely awestruck at the sight. She dropped to her knees in the green grass to take it in for a moment. It looked like a perfect picture – 2 perfects!
had once collided thousands of years ago and BROKEN apart; making
known that he WOULD LAND not

Let me know if anything isn't clear or you need any more help.
Best wishes,

Benedict.

Been really enjoying this one!
I like the background you give us at the beginning and how the story moves on at pace.
Your writing flows beautifully and grabs and holds on to your attention.
Great one - high stars!
Mike
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Melaney and the Mirror has a great fairy tale feel. Well paced and polished. Thank You for posting the entire story. Really enjoyable MC's I really do appreciate getting to read the ending. However, It does seem that there is almost too many attacks during their journey- almost one every chapter- sometimes two. I almost feel battle weary reading it.

concerns- Chapter 8- you reported this as young adult- but then use word- "fucking"- may want to reconsider this. Chapter- 11 When Ishi states she needs an herb, how does Senki knows to get tarragon?
Chapter 19 "It's true," It Tuske said as he stayed a bit ahead of us." (no quotation mark at end.)

Hope this was helpful. Good Luck. Desi.

good writing and style...dialogue is very good in telling your tale...
backed...
read SEASONS...

Hello,
Great title! Good idea for a story. I love the line "My grandmother left us an entire world." I'd make that your short pitch; it's catchy and original. I've read the first five chapters and like a lot of your other reviewers, I warmed to Melaney through her relationship with Nolan and her diligent attitude to her schoolwork.
You have some editing to do, I think. I noticed "Melaney's named was inscribed..." in Chapter One, and there are a few other typos.
Sometimes I found it hard to work out who is speaking, especially where you describe someone else doing something immediately afterwards. You have a lot of adverbs, especially around dialogue; lots of places where what is said is delivered "sarcastically" or "quickly". I think your dialogue doesn't always need it and I found it a bit distracting.
But it's a fun idea for a book and you have some nice characters. I enjoyed what I read.
Lucy Middlemass
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

Brittany-chan! Kimi no hanashi wa SUBURASHII!

Ok, I’m totally biased here, and this review will be unfairly good towards you. Not only do you write in my favorite type of writing style –clean, simple, and easy to read – but your main character Melaney is awesome :D

Now, I think that in writing there are two spectrums –and this is just my opinion – I think that if you were to label them “left” or “right,” perhaps even 1 or 10, you’d end up with these two things. Keep in mind, I don’t feel either is superior or inferior to the other. Suppose a “1” Is the most barebones, simple, straight-forward writing imaginable, and a ten is the most florid, descriptive, and descriptive prose one can write in.

My personal preference – there is no wrong choice – and what I feel your story is around, is a “4.” You have details, but you keep them very relevant, on point, and you never let them run on long enough to allow us for even a moment to lose focus of what’s happening. It’s for this reason; it’s difficult for me to write this
review, because I have an unfair bias towards your writing style. I want to make it abundantly clear, that I do NOT think that your writing is any “better” or “worse” than the other author’s on here, and I’m not trying to insult other people’s styles because of my preference toward yours. I am merely stating that in a world with a variety of prose, I find yours to be the most comfortable to read. I am further biased by your obvious love of the Japanese language, which I share as well. Ore wa nihongo daisuki yo!

In the interest of fairness, I didn’t read past chapter two, because I want to give everyone a chance to be reviewed, so I will definitely back this one for now, and make sure I take the time later to finish it. I am really excited for where this story will go, and although I didn’t get into any of the “fantasy” elements yet, the upbeat and youthful feeling here already has me hooked.

I do have a few criticisms, but they’re mostly nitpicking. I think you had a small typo in the beginning, but I’m not sure. You wrote:

"This was first Monday she'd gone to school in a week" <- did you want a “the” there?

"She honestly hated missing school because..." <- No need for the word honestly there (in my opinion), because it's in her head, so we know that whatever she feels is genuine. It’s not that I thought you used too many adverbs, I thought you used just enough of them. I just think that adverbs should be kept to the
descriptive ones. Like, for instance where you said "loudly chomping on a piece of spearmint gum." It works, because it's a descriptive adverb, but the honestly one really wasn't needed. I mean no offense, and hope you aren’t upset by me saying so.

I hope to read more of this soon ^_^
Also, you don’t need to return the read. My story is complete crap, and there’s really no need for you to comment on it. You’re not going to like it. Ah well, on to the next person!

strong character description really lead you to dislike the villain and identify with the heroine. After seeing your making a sequel I'm stoked to finish this one so i can go on to the next!

I love the part where Melany hides the necklace. It makes the reader want to know why? Welldone Best of luck with this book. I have a feeling it will climb high!
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

This is an ideal MG story. (middle grade– I learned that from Claire Poulsen, who has The Gingrich Curse here.) In the vein of Dorothy and Alice, Melaney finds herself in another land which her grandmother (elle!) calls Alternity.

Melaney is a hard-working, hard-studying girl, who perhaps shoulders more responsibility than the average teen. But then a gift from her grandmothers gives her an opportunity to step outside her world. She meets creatures, finds strange plumberries, encounters challenges, and has adventures, but in Alternity world defined on its terms.

My favorite character is Melaney's little brother Nolan. He's lovable, quick, and sensitive. I love how the author has drawn characters, especially him.

I heartily back this book.

YARG!! It's a pirates review.

Brittany, I got so into this that I couldn't put it down until I had read the whole thing. Melany and the Mirror is quite possibly one of the greatest stories I've ever read. It was brilliant from start to finish. I haven't got any criticism for you, because this story doesn't need any. It's amazing the way it is. I loved every part of it, you gave me a heroine to chreer for and a villan to boo at. I was actually in tears by the end of it.

I can't really say anything else, other than it's brilliant.
Highly starred.

Karen.

PS: I can't wait to read that sequel you're writng.

Brittany, I've read the first five chapters of Melaney and the Mirror and I think it's a fascinating story. The characters are believable and lovable, and the unique setting is fun and well-described. For me, the story really began with chapter three, but I understand you were trying to show us what Melaney's life was like before she found the mirror. Kinda like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. If we hadn't seen Dorothy's life on her aunt and uncle's farm before the tornado, her arrival in Munchkinland, wouldn't have the same effect). Is Christa important in the book? If not, you might not need her in the opening chapters. I wondered too about Hidoriko but I now suspect that she will be important. Anyway, I think this book has great potential and I will be back to read more.
Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Yarg review.
xxxx
A sweet and delightful story, with an almost a dream like quality.
You have a great grasp at storytelling, and use a varied vocabulary. You use every word and phrase effectively.
You set your scenes well and have well rounded and strong characters.
Original and fresh, a very good read, which I would recommend to others.

There is a good root of a story here.

Initial thoughts:
- I believe that your novel is at the "editing" stage. The bones are in place.
- It's time to trim some extra words that break up the flow & pace. [i.e. The descriptions inserted in mid-dialogue. By condensing/removing most of these elements, the reader can stay in the conversation instead of getting pulled out to see "the tan couch". Keep the dialogue flowing without these interruptions. All we really want to see are the characters engaged in the conversation.]
- The back-story at the beginning feels out of place. I would suggest starting with the action or dialogue. Reveal those pieces to us later--once we have come attached to Melaney. Then, we will want to know how these things work into her life.
- Overall: Try to switch the voice so that you are "showing", not "telling". This is a difficult task, but will greatly improve the readability & suck the reader into the environment. It can be done! I promise!

Hope these thoughts are helpful.

~Lucas
CAPRITARE: The Cycles Begin

Very mysterious opening plot. You do a very good job of pulling the reader in and wanting to read more.
Thanks,
Scott

MELANEY & THE MIRROR
The idea that one can be drawn into a mirror is a good idea on which to base a story, especially for young adults who spend a lot of time looking into mirrors. You have a good main character in Melaney. I liked her immediately because of her concern for Nolan; I sympathized with her because she thought her relationship with Levi was the best that love could be. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

backed on the pitch, I'm going away for a few days and now I've got to grips with this site - someone should benefit.

This works well as a piece of work for young adults. But I felt at times you were writing within yourself and you should aim for more flair. 'Stroke a check' is a brilliant stylish little descriptive detail and you should aim to bring this flair to more of your description.

When you described Melaney finding the box with the necklace I felt frustrated that you summarised the message within the note. By allowing the reader to read the note verbatim I think it would add to the intrigue and give your audience something to interpret.

For my taste the balance between showing and telling is not quite perfect.

You have a solid premise and I can see this getting an audience but works remain to tighten things up and to ramp up the style.

Once chapter two kicks off you seem to be getting into your stride and there are some really effective descriptive touches. 'scary thoughts from scary movies' - that might need a wee edit.

Now that your novel is complete it is time for an edit. A tiresome and daunting task but it'll take what you have - a good book - and turn it into a great book.

Best of luck,
Douglas Cairns
Leverage

This is a fantastic YA novel! You start off strong and engage the reader without being too fussy in your words. The story line and the sentences flow giving just enough background information without killing the pace.

Melaney is a great MC and your writing does her justice.

Backed with pleasure!

Jaen Wirefly
The Royst 3DX

Brittany

Before I start, none of what I will put is in any way written in order to get feedback or a reciprocal read from you. I don’t comment to get comments and I always put what I really think – it’s important for me that you know that.
I will also would qualify my review by saying that I am not so widely versed in the fantasy world as many of your reviewers, I have read Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and J K Rowling but not a great deal else in your genre so if any of my comments seem at odds with the conventions of what is a very stylised genre then please forgive my naivety.

Short Pitch – Ok, this works if someone is familiar with your work and I am assuming this is part of a series? But to a newcomer it’s a bit flat. You have 20 words and you have used 7, use the other 13 so that it forms a hook for anyone who has not read your work before. Something like – “Melaney is trapped in a mirror realm of mysterious evil – will she ever escape the demon of the shadows”

I’m not saying that is perfect either, but an idea of what I mean – a way of drawing the new reader in with a hook.

Long Pitch – This is much better and feeds in the story arc nicely, giving a hint of the adventures that lie beyond – one minor observance and please don’t take offence – I found It Tsuke a really troublesome name, simply because of the It part and the fact that its contextual usage makes the name look like a typo. Could you drop the It? Just leave it as Tsuke?

Chapter One – Nice chapter name, the Japanese style runes work well and belong, the poem at the start is ok but for me it needs to either rhyme on the couplet or not. I’d also shorten it, make it a four line stanza so as to capture the essence of what you are trying to say in a nice punchy verse. IMHO of course, this is not a criticism you understand, just an opinion.

This starts well; I like Melaney saying that the only way to cope was to write it all down, this gives a good sense of looking back and draws me in nicely. The next few paragraphs fill in back-story well enough but I’d bring Christa in at the top and give the back-story through action, dialogue and internal thoughts, rather than too much of an info-dump. I say this because a lot of agents etc don’t like the story to start with back-story, I don’t mind actually, in fact I do it myself – lol.

Your dialogue is good and well crafted, most of all it suits the characters and breathes life into them which is what good dialogue should do.

Chapter Two – You are into your stride now, the story is building nicely and I found myself reading along without any hiccups at all, the dialogue is still excellent and the characters are all well formed. Your dialogue is also mostly tag free which is also good to see.

It is obvious that Japanese culture is a big part of your influence and it feels at home in your work, you have incorporated it nicely without going over the top – like manga meets Narnia but with your own voice.
All in all, an excellent start and 5 stars from me. I only stopped reading because I ran out of time, I was really enjoying this and I will be back for more. In the future I will shelve this and that’s a promise. I have a few more promises to see out first but you will sit on my shelf and once on, there you will stay.

As a general tip, try to keep your descriptive as lively and fresh as your excellent dialogue. Well done and don’t worry about your ranking, my book went up and down and all over the place before it started staying up. When I have time next week, I will start a thread for you in the recommend a manuscript section as this deserves to be far higher than its current position.

Hey Brittany, as promised I've had a read up to the end of Chapter 5.

I honestly don't know why you've dropped so many places, this reads better than a lot of the stuff I've read on here (and as a fast reader, I've read a lot!)

The first few paragraphs read a little clunky to me, "Melaney" is repeated several times, I don't know if you're able to have a play around and see if it flows a little better.
But seriously Brittany, this is the only place I found that the flow was missing. I think Melaney is a lovely character, lovable, strong, doesn't bend to peer pressure. She's a role model to young girls and for that reason I think this would fit into the YA genre nicely.
Already I want the curse on It Tsuke to be lifted, he's a strong addition to the story and immediately likable. I wanted to continue reading after the plum berry incident.
The dialogue is great, in the "real world" it's believable and in Alternity the prose takes on an ethereal and magical quality yet it's so subtle that unless the reader actively looks for it, they don't find it.

I think this is something different and special, there's a touch of Narnia, a smattering of Manga and a hint of Coraline in this story, but you've made it your own.

I don't give "pure gushing" reviews as I don't think they help the writer in any way shape or form. I would suggest having a good re-read through, and reading aloud as you do to help identify a few missed words - but seriously, this is great. I'm not a YA fan (generally speaking) but I can see myself reading this, I don't view it as a light read either, it's the sort of book I'd like to take time out to read.

6 stars, added to W/L for backing.

Kia Ora Brittany - A YARG review,

Hmm I think I've found a fellow Hayao Miyazaki fan...?:) Your plot has all the markings of a classic Miyazaki tale -and that's a real compliment! For me, this book really takes off when Melaney enters into the Alternity -your writing takes on a real rhythm and the images and characterisation are very impressive. I think the earlier chapters need a bit of polishing. Some of your sentences are a bit long and unwieldy and there is a bit too much explaining and telling in the characterisation of Melaney eg. instead of telling us she is an overachiever show her proudly protecting her report which contained an unbroken vertical line of straight A's. The old adage of showing Melaney's character through dialogue and action rather than explanation I think would draw us in more as readers. Melaney emerges as quite a headstrong girl when she ignores It Tsuke and eats the plums - show us some of that character in the earlier chapters:)

I think due to your natural storytelling gifts and wonderful imagination,and after sweating over sentences a little, this book will eventually become a real plum! Happy to read on and/or reread any edits.

Highly rated
Kaal Kaczmarek

A YARG review-
Hey Brittany,
REALLY liked this. It was funny and interesting, and I loved it! Your dialogue and characters are well-written and believeable, making the characters easy to relate to.
Six starred! I hope you get to the ED soon!
Noelle J. Alabaster

Read the intro, it was a very nice start, good characters, good descriptions, good typical teenage speech. If I had time, I'd read on. Typos and stuff...“...every girl in Chicage whether or not your two...” - you two. And at the end of the into - “I cannot believe my little brother is so grown.” It's a bit formal, better I think with 'can’t' and 'grown up'.

The first paragraph opens very nicely; well developed voice, which is important.

Paragraph two though... why should we like Melaney? What's interesting about her? This passage isn't presented with the same hint of mystery that the first paragraph possesses.

The whole first chapter has something of this; the evident quality shines through in many places, but elsewhere you're somehow losing that quality of voice that, for me at least, would be the key interest story at the start.

You also use variations on the expression "made her best irritated face" a couple of times. It's a cute turn of phrase, but over-use will kill it. I'd limit it to a mannerism of one character, and work at making it a theme or a running-gag rather than simply a habit of expression.

Where is this going though? By the close of chapter one, I'm curious if the real-world plot-lines and characters will be continued in the mirror world. Will it be a one-way trip, with only the beginning and the end in our world, or will we be hopping back and forth? How will the mirrorworld interact with our own?

This story has a very interesting theme and I'm quite impressed by your use of the Japanese language.
Your MS has the makings of a very good story. Your imagination is impressive. Your story telling is good, but it could be even better if you used the 'show don't tell' technique. I'm only saying this as you've said you want honest critique. While the book is a brilliant story, I found that too much telling in some places slows the pace.
Foe example; ( As she moved from the desk to sit on her bed to remove her shoes, not yet bothering to turn of the light, she caught a glimpse of a flash reflected in her small mirror that hung on the wall beside her window and desk. ) There's a hell of a lot crammed into that one sentence and it's telling. While there's nothing wrong in telling, it makes a story more exciting when you add as much showing as possible. I would rephrase the sentence as follows; ( She moved from her desk to her bed and bent down to remove her shoes. As she hadn't yet turned off the light a flash reflected from the small mirror, that hung beside the window, caught her attention. )
We already know it's near the bed as she's sitting on it. This tightens up the writing and adds movement, which is showing.
I hope you don't mind me suggesting this Brittanney. I get this sort of critique from the 'Brutal Honest Critique Group' and I've found it useful for polishing my writing skills.
Over all though, this seems to be developing into a very exciting story.
I wish you the best and good luck with your book, Orma

Very nice. I like your descriptive writing and prose. I also loved the fight scenes with the Jutsu, very action-packed.

I hope it gets published someday :)

YARG review - Well, that's me finished Volume 1 and I am hooked on the story. The characters are very believable and their interactions, both as friends and potentially more, are portrayed very accurately. Poor Melaney goes from one awkward relationship to another! Will def. be back for more :)

Hi Brittany. I found your book via another's bookshelf and was drawn by the cover and the pitch. Being a big fantasy fan I've read three chapters straight off and plan to see it through. I've popped it on my bookshelf (I'm a newbie to the site- seems the right thing to do for a book I enjoy).
The narrative reads very well and it's evident you've refined it to get it to flow so smoothly. I especially like it's punchiness and crispness - you have careful use of adjectives and adverbs (you mention Stephen King as a fave author- he was famous for adjective culls). Your dialogue is also strong and well written - especially the banter between Melaney and Tsuke.
The feel to the book is suitably dark: comparisons are never totally justified but I am reminded of Neil Gaiman in the vibe already (and a little of John Connoly's Book of Lost Things). Hope you don't mind comparisons.
So am looking forward to the rest of the book and you deserve to do well,
Cheers, Ross
(dreams of darkness rising)

First three chapters… I’m enjoying the inquisitive nature of Melaney, in particular her interest in understanding what love is and the way her love life is juxtaposed with her younger brother’s. It’s a clever way of showing how “unconventional” a character she is… (the unpopular, poor girl at school) instead of using those exact words.

How you laid off on describing Melaney physically was a pleasure, and you didn’t overdue the description once you got there… no multiple adjectives to describe her features, just simple brown hair and brown eyes. Simple and subtle in key places without getting elaborate is important.

You have good pacing. I did feel that there was an abruptness to her entering the mirror, too quick for me. When I watch the events in my head the use of time seems disproportionate… it would be a great special effects scene... her looking into the mirror and being sucked by the blackness. Maybe give us more of that, her feelings, descriptions.

Otherwise, you seem to have hit on all the key points for a high school girl. No doubt this will be popular to young readers.

Read through chapter 4. Highly imaginative!

You, my sweet, are extremely imaginative! It seems like Narnia, except, (forgive me, Mr Lewis), more imaginative!Loved the part where the gold came off the grass and she had to put it back on. Loved the end of this chapter, with the dark skinned people. Seems like It Tsuke is a stranger in this land.
I wonder what the purpose of the story is. Is Melaney here to rescue her grandmother? What's going on?
You got another star out of me,after reading chapter 3! I want to read on...and on and on!
Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Wow. I loved the ending. I really didn't know what to think of it until I read the author notes; still I don't know how to feel about it. Before I read the notes, I almost thought Melaney had died and her version of Heaven was the mirror world. I like the touch of her being able to talk to Nolan through the journal...maybe a sequel there :)? I was also expecting her grandma to show up in the final battle for some reason. I don't think I have any reason for this other than it was an idea that kept going through my mind. This was such a fun story without much breathing room. You packed so much action into it and still kept the story going on. I loved it. I really can't say much more than I have in my previous two posts; you kept me hooked until the end and the payoff was well worth it.

I've read through chapter 3. It is a really quick read. It has a definite Narnia feel to it. You hooked with girl character that loves science and math :-) Some comments:

In the first chapter it seems like it jumps pretty quickly from her being in Florida at her grandma's funeral then she is back at home. It seems like this needs a little smoother transition.

You don't give a clear description of what Melanie looks like until later in the book. This is just my preference, but you might want to give us a hint of what she looks like a little earlier in the book.

There are some instances of missed words. You said you are proof reading so just make sure you get them. I am the Queen of missed words and screwing up tenses.

When Melanie goes on the other side of the mirror and she reads her grandma's diary it says something along the lines of "I thought you were the troublemaker..." that didn't totally make sense to me. I am probably dense though.

I am going to read more, but I thought you might want some comments. I am going to give you lots 'o stars. I like where the books is going. Adventure with a strong female lead.

I just finished chapter 20 and thought this would be a good time to chime in again. I am still loving the book. With all of the attacks that happened in this middle section I felt that there was a little less room for characterization, but you brought it back around when It Tsuke starts to become more inhuman. I am really liking his character and the way he plays off of Melaney. Melaney, by the way, is still awesome. The scene with her getting grossed out by the roach shows just how human and vulnerable she really is. She goes up against demons, ninjas, killer plants, and killer birds but a roach still skeeves her out. I liked that little touch.
Back to the characterization, I guess my biggest gripe so far would be the first time It Tsuke "died". It was a big moment but I really didn't feel for Melaney all that much. I don't know if it wasn't given enough time to sink in before she left the house to continue the journey or what my problem is. I was glad to see him come back, though. I'm 20 chapters in and you have me at the edge of my seat to see what happens next :) see you at the end of the story.

Sentences and images I liked:

"Like santa threw up in her school." Made me laugh out loud, I could just picture it!
"..She wasn't convinced that love was anything bigger....so she stayed with him."
"rusted swing set, melodically screeching in the wind,....held the memory of kids playing..."
This sentence is conflicted. Maybe you meant it to be conflicted.
The love between Nolan and Melaney is touching and rare for siblings. I enjoyed this part of the story. I grew up with a working mother, and a sick father, so I know what it's like to be oh so close to your siblings. I wrote it in my story as well.
The endiing of chapter 1, the reader realizes Levi and Melaney should not be together. Levi brings her down, does not lift her up and encourage her to be the person she's meant to be.
Chapter 2...the ending is a page turner. Again, the relationship between Nolan and Melaney is touching.
I enjoyed reading your story!

I just ended Volume One (chapter 6) and thought that this would be a good time to chime in. I'm really liking the story so far. I find Melaney a difficult character: I like her but I find it hard to believe her as someone who won't break up with Levi but is willing to jump into a quest to save a land she just met and fight an evil entity with no hesitation. It's such a small complaint though; besides Levi, who is kind of a jerk, I am loving all of the characters. It Tsuke and Melaney steal the show; I feel like you know this already. I am kind of biased, though; I am a huge fan of buddy quests and watching the couple grow closer as companions and friends. I really look forward to learning more about It Tsuke and watching Melaney learn more about her grandmother.
On that note; I am kind of worried about the notebook aspect. You don't overplay it right now but I am scared of seeing too much of it as I read on. It's something that gets used a lot in stories and movies and I feel that a lot of people rely too heavily on it to move the story forward. But, like I said, you've used it sparingly in the first 6 chapters and both times it moved the story forward without feeling forced. I have faith that it will be the same throughout the rest of the story.
Final thought of the first 6 chapters: there were a lot of quotes that I loved but this one really stuck out to me- "I'm afraid I'll wake up at any moment and this will be a dream. I'm afraid that my life will go back to what it was and everything will disappear- this world, these people...and you." I feel like a lot of people can relate to this. Growing up and moving on is a scary aspect of life and leaving people and places that you know and love sucks. This quote really captures that feeling for me. I'm loving this so far!

I like the simplistic, yet very descriptive way you write. The world of the mirror draws me in. But I am confused as to how It Tsuke knows English. More or less even knows how to respond to Melaney so well after barely being introduced to her.

I like how the plants seem to rub off on her, and I am still reading more barely getting along. But as you see I have backed it. So I wish you luck with this and of course will read on to see how she gets back to Earth I should say..heehee.

I also have noticed at the beginning of the chapters you have used I think Japanese portraying the title tothe chpater. It is pretty interesting.

Having read a lot of manga, and watched anime and listened to various music from Japanese culture myself I can connect with this. Seeing the names of some characters such as Mizu, It Tsuke..and Hidoriko are oriented all towards it. But I do not know how this fairs with other readers who arent really into the japanese culture.

I like it though.

-Elora

This has potential to be an interesting story -- the story develops well, the characters work well together and you have given them some depth. However, the first chapter starts when they are in school -- the rest of it is all tell, too much backstory. All that information could be brought in in pieces within dialogue sections as the chapter develops. All this information you feel we need to have is slowing the story down, causing me to stop reading and skim until I find more action and dialogue. The end of chapter 1 works a bit better than the beginning.

Skipped to ch. 15, hoping for more depth, found a bit more tell mixed in with the story. You have a tendency to use long complex sentences that don't flow well, and you need to eliminate the use of 'just' in narrative sections. Not needed and it slows it down.

Overall, a good storyline but there's too much tell that slows down the story, especially at the beginning of ch. 1

Mary
Heartstrings Legacy--Choices Made

Hi Brittany!
I just read your first chapter and I loved it! Melaney is no doubt a very relateble character and you make her extremely likable too. The whole setting and atmosphere of your book is so easy to visualize as well. You use a lot of vivid descriptions but you never bore the reader. There are times where I go "I remember going through that" and I love that about your book. Christa and Nolan are two of my favorite characters, they're really funny and have vibrant personalities. I'm not sure about Melaney's boyfriend though, he seems to give off a bad vibe with Melaney towards the end of the chapter. I can't stop talking about this! I really liked it and will continue reading. But for now...six stars!