As if by chance

Trade reads? My book is called Under the Veil of Darkness.

Chapter 7. Poor old Suzie! In a few paragraphs you manage to fill out Suzie as a real character so that when she gets it the reader really cares. This is very well done and the mark of a good writer. Noticed that you are not consistent with 'heroin', using upper and lower case 'h', might just want to tidy this up. Other than that nothing much to crit but plenty to admire. Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood

Grant,

I actually like this a lot, but I am holding my shelf for now. You repeat adjetives a lot...in just the first several paragraphs they were multiple variations of "desperate" used. This is mildly overwritten, but the good news is that the story trumps those issues. I think if this were cleaned up a bit you could see yourself making the desk.

Lockjaw

Hey Grant!

I've only just started on this, but I love it so far. Very compelling, you build tension well and the action really works. I'm intrigued! And Metallica really are one of the greatest bands of all time :-)

I like that the title mirrors the opening line too, have not seen that before. I will back you now on the basis of a strong start, will be back for more! Love a good crime thriller, wish I could write one! Ha.

Melanie x

You write like a natural. You will get plenty of advice on here and it can be priceless because everyone wants to help but you already have the basis and skills for what you are doing. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

I like your pitch, I want to check this out.

Looks interesting: watchlisted.

Indeed there is a reason for that :) if I manage it all will be revealed one day! Thankyou for taking the time to read even just a little...Sharpie.

Hi Grant,
I came to this novel through the forum and I have to say you have created an exciting and atmospheric opening. I was hooked but disappointed by the lack of other vehicles in a town and De Wilde leaving the scene once he'd reported the accident. I've only got to chapter 2 so there may be a reason for that -- if so apologies.

Hi Grant,
I came to this novel through the forum and I have to say you have created an exciting and atmospheric opening. I was hooked but disappointed by the lack of other vehicles in a town and De Wilde leaving the scene once he'd reported the accident. I've only got to chapter 2 so there may be a reason for that -- if so apologies.

Hi Grant,

"As if by chance" has been sitting on my watchlist for ages and I've only just found time to comment on it - sorry!

I have to say this drew me in straight away, despite a couple of editorial points (and I am the queen of dodgy editing myself so don't be discouraged by my comments! You're a better writer than me!)
1) The female victim sees her partner lying on the floor - shouldn't this be ground?
2) De Wilde grew closer to the woman after he hit her - got closer?
There's a couple of punctuation points that interrupt the flow a bit, too. Nothiing a bit of editing wouldn't fix.

I LOVE the "threatening leer of the night". Very nice.

You set the scene really well. As I say, I was really drawn into this and read three chapters before deciding I'd better spread my time over some other books.

I don't know if you're still working the site at all, but I think you should keep working on this - from the first three chapters I've read it's got the makings of a great story!

Good luck!

Dear Grant,

Thanks for being so positive about my comments. Good luck with the edited version.

R

I really enjoyed reading this & am now chafing at the bit for some more...

Some of the comments you've received are very helpful & you'd do well to heed them.

Chapter 11 please!!!!

Dear Grant,

This is really good, and you know how to create an atmosphere, a hook. However, there's abig but. It needs a lot of editing and spellchecking (and don't use a spellchecker, do it manually or you might miss things like "roads were quite" rather than "roads were quiet".

In the second para, try this "The darkness surrounded the lone figure, enveloped its body, incarcerated it with the threatening leer of the night" instead of what you have. Try to eliminate -ing verbs. There are three successive paragraphs in the first chapter that all begin with -ing verbs. You will give your narrative even more power if you use the past tense to push the action on.

Please don't see these comments as negative. I can tell from what's here that you're well on the way to being an excellent writer. Keep plugging away. Good luck.

R

Keep at it, and good luck.

Hi Grant

This is possibly the best opening chapter I have read here, and I love the bookending of it with the rain, by chance, stopping and starting. There are some typos, but I'm sure you can sort them with a brief read through again. I will be reading much more of this as soon as I can, and will reserve any further comments/criticisms until then. I'm putting this straight onto my bookshelf. This should, already, be much higher than it currently is. Excellent.

James

Hello Grant. Thank you for your response to my remarks. If i may presume to advise you on interpreting feedback, and I base the advise on learning from my own errors as a newcomer, it is sensible to see the feedback in the conrext of the person giving it. So, I' m a writer of short stories in which economy with words is important. That is why I am sensitive to superfluous use. In writing novels however, that may be less important. At the end of the day, only you can judge. Best of luck.

Hi Grant

As you've asked for constructive criticism, here goes.

There is a lot more work needed on this book as you already know, don't resist it, you have the urge to write and to tell a story and you know how to put the words together. I suspect you are falling into the trap of wanting your writing to be appreciated by others while not valuing it enough yourself to work hard at it.

I won't go into specific examples, - just carry on writing and write for yourself.

hi Grant, thanks for taking time to read my book and for leaving me a comment, I appreciate it so much. I am glad you like my book. Thank you again.

Hello Grant. The story you are weaving is interesting, but I shall take you at your word, and try to make constructive criticism. I feel that you need to pay more attention to detail in your choice of words and sentence structure. In your 2nd paragraph you mention a figure (singular) and then use 'their'.
I blieve too that you tend to over emphasise some points and use words that are superflous. I suggest you look again at, for instance, ' the pain from the wound she had sustained earlier had numbed and the graze on her knee from the fall became insignificant'.
Then again 'She hastily made her way to the gate'. You have already told us she is running.
Detail: 'the roads were 'quite', no traffic' I assume that you mean 'quiet'.

Use of De Wilde's name three times in quick succession is lazy; Find alternative references, eg; 'the driver'
you have a figure watching, 'shadowed by the darkness' , people are not shadowed by darkness, but hidden by it., or concealed.
Finally, in replying to one comment you placed your response on this thread, which the person you address will see it only if they return here. It is better to rspond on their pages. Click on their name, then their book, then on 'read the book.' You will find space there for your response.
Sorry if i appear to be nit picking, but i sincerely wish to help someone who is writing for the first time; I hope that these remarks help. Good luck.

To reiterate the editor trick to make a change of locale evident and make it easier to read.
An example from your first chapter.
Winded and in agony ....................... she dashed forwards.

THE FORD MONDEO moved quickly ............................. play button.

THE SUDDEN IMPACT forced all, etc.

You shall find this makes it easier to read.


Good Luck.

To reiterate the editor trick to make a change of locale evident and make it easier to read.
An example from your first chapter.
Winded and in agony ....................... she dashed forwards.

THE FORD MONDEO moved quickly ............................. play button.

THE SUDDEN IMPACT forced all, etc.

You shall find this makes it easier to read.


Good Luck.

To reiterate the editor trick to make a change of locale evident and make it easier to read.
An example from your first chapter.
Winded and in agony ....................... she dashed forwards.

THE FORD MONDEO moved quickly ............................. play button.

THE SUDDEN IMPACT forced all, etc.

You shall find this makes it easier to read.


Good Luck.

A Tip, you said you were looking for assistance.
When you move fro scene to scene make a distinctive indication

Double carriage returns is not enough. ALL CAPS FOR FOUR OR five words at the beginning is a common trick.

The story is good, moves at a good pace you have a hook already, What is the woman looking for in the cemetary

Hi Grant

Just stumbled accross you on moron boy's thread and thought I'd check out your pitch, I'm impressed. Have added you to my watchlist and will get back to you with comments as soon as I've had a little read.

Good luck

James

Hey Grant not bad. It took me weeks to get 3 bookshelves. We all have our own style.

thanks Grant. I also back books that I consider are good even if I wouldn't want to read them. It isn't just would I enjoy this? it's would anyone I know? you will find that people on this site have different agendas. it is also quite male-dominated in that it doesn't reflect the high number of books aimed at women readers that you find in the UK market. I also feel that some of the forums get a bit like boys' clubs. apart from a few forceful women (who mostly aren't writing the gentler stuff) the men are shouting loudest. it's taken me a while to find the more feminine work and the literary fiction category has helped a lot - that only appeared a few days ago. warning - you can spend far too much time logged on!

Thanks Ali, that means a lot to me as its my first comment and its a positve :)

Any constructive criticism as I still have a long way to go?

I like this - I'm off to make room for it on my shelf!