The Therions

An engaging story that kept me on the edge of my seat. It's too bad the manuscript is incomplete I really want to know what happens next. I love the tension in each chapter and the way you keep the reader guessing how the story will come to play. The clock idea is intriguing and having the Egyptians gods faces on it made the clock more special. I wouldn't mind a better description of what the town Jake lives in looks like. I rate this six stars.
-Charmain

hello Asma, As promised, I have read the first four chapters of your story. This is really rather good, well written and there are several hooks - like the clock - which ensure that the reader reads on. Your characters are well rounded and, with the unique fantasy concept, is a good example of the genre. I would like to read more as I would like to know what happens, so it is going on my Watchlist. I have starred it highly and will put it on my shelf in two days' time when there will be some room. Good luck with this.
Best wishes to you.

Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Hi Asma, really good storyline you have here, its a good start to your book with chapter one, excellent descriptive scenes that keep the reader wanting to read on.
Your characters are well thought out, Kyle and Jake come over quite strongly playing their parts well.
I've read six chapters and enjoyed them all so far, brilliant , vivid writing and so captivating.
I can see 'The Therions' doing quite well, publisher around the corner so to speak...I hope so...it's very good.
Had to stop at ch. six, you started editing the book and it was locked.
Never mind I shall get back to it for sure.
Pleased to star rate it high on what i've seen so far.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - SERIES

Extremely well written and polished book that goes well. The narrative is at great pace and description is enchanting. The scenes are rich with well constructed pitch and vivid charachterization. Highly rated.

I really enjoyed the 2 chapters I have read so far. you capture the reader from the begining and your writing continues to flow. In chapter 2 the last paragraph I love how you describe the sun on Jakes face its very descriptive, and the way you break off instantly into "Damn! Kyle! Bus!"
It leads very smoothly onto chapter 3.
I am really enjoying this, on my watchlist highly starred!

Dear Asma,

The long pitch is very good. It offers ample glimpse into the story but doesn’t give away much of the plot, just enough to pique the reader’s curiosity. The story promises to be a scary and hair-raising experience.

The short pitch is rather vague. My alternative suggestion:

‘Reef Hill. A quiet wooded town in the middle of nowhere. Life is simple but uneventful. But the dark forests harbour a darker secret.’

The opening verses are excellent, once again vague, but rightfully so this time.

The story itself lives up to the promise quite well and chapter 1 literally thrusts the reader into the narrative, without offering any breathing time. That may be good or bad, depending on the reader’s preference and also their mood at that particular time.

The writing doesn’t leave much room for corrections either. I’ve read the first 4 chapters and could find no typos or grammatical errors (not that I’m an expert!).

There is a certain heaviness that makes reading a bit tiresome, but for me it just contributed to the brooding and menacing tone of the story.

My rating: 6 stars

Best regards,
AGC

I read the first two chapters and found them quite interesting. That said, a few things stood out to me:

Ch. 2 – The paragraph that starts out, “He was too young to remember what happened, of course, and had no way of finding out.” should be split into two paragraphs, I think. It begins by talking about what happened to Jared and then jumps suddenly to what happened to Alexa. I think the information about Alexa would be better placed somewhere else, but I’m not really sure that it belongs with the information about Alexa that comes earlier in the chapter. Hmm. Either way, the paragraph doesn’t flow well as it is.

“He dreamed of living in London, the capital – party central, which also had plenty of people!” I think this might read a bit better like this: “He dreamed of living in London, the capital – party central, plenty of people.” At first I thought you could just dismiss everything after the words “party central,” but then the next sentence doesn’t really work.

“…as silently and as hardly as he could…” should maybe be “…as silently and as hard as he could…”

“He doubted it very much.” Perhaps it could be, “He very much doubted they had been.”?

These are just my thoughts, of course, so take or leave them as you wish. I usually read with an eye for grammatical errors and I noticed a few, but not many. Good luck with this!

I love the clock in the story as it keeps the readers attention and waiting for something to happen. The description of the book is what first caught me as it is a fight for survival, and the chasing in the story is marvelous.

Hmm, the Therions are interesting. Not too sure on the obsession with the sister though. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find out later. Best wishes with it!

Penny
The Glass Serpent

The Therions was an interesting book. It was hard to tell whether the book would be drawn more toward teenager relationships than the horror/fantasy at first. It starts off with such loneliness and a creepiness about the clock. Information on his past is filled in as the reader navigates a short way through his life, before they are suddenly thrown into chapter two. Chapter two seems to be what really sets the mood, as each chapter afterwards seems to lead into each other with no hesitation. In fact, you seem to know how to end each chapter so that the reader automatically wants to pursue on.

There are a few snafu's here and there, you should look toward your synonyms at the later chapters for fill and feel. This writing feels nicely toned though, and you lead the reader from one situation to another with ease. Although entertaining, I would say it sucks the reader in after Kyle's situation the most, where we want to see what is really going on. Jake's life is being filled with mysteries one by one. What is going on between his mother and his father, and what about his father and Kyle's Aunt? Are all of the situations the surface material and has he guessed right at their conclusions? Or is something more sinister going on, as 'beneath the carpet', something seems to be emerging.

What is the significance about starting with the clock though? It feels like the start of the story is really chapter two (underneath chapter three on Authonomy) since all of these situations seem to make themselves known throughout the story. About the only thing that doesn't repeat, and isn't mentioned again is the clocks. It makes the reader wonder. What happens after these displayed chapters?

DG Publishing

Hello AB Kadir,

Sorry for getting back to this so late, the last few weeks have been very hectic. Anyways, I've read the first few chapters of this and here's my cents.

The writing style is clear and distinctive - I particularly liked the bit "reeked of sophistication" - it clearly showed the reader that Jake had a negative view of all things elegant, which is normally a good thing to most people. I also loved the Megan Fox bit!

I think you show character and emotion brilliantly. Jake came alive as soon as I read the first paragraph. I could feel Jake's pain and frustration when he looked at the clock that reminded him of his sister. I could relate to him wanting to move to London - I was exactly like that when I was his age. I also think you showed the friendsip between Jake and Kyle vividly - it felt very real. The fact pace of the story is great - you get right into the story and you never stall.

Only a tiny bit of crit in chapter 2. The waitress asks "Do you have a problem, kid?" I'm not sure if waitresses are going to be this rude to the customers. Also, I feel 'kid' is more of an Amercian expression, unless the waitress is from Ameria, in which case, you need to let the reader know of this.

I also feel you can do with a bit of minor describing when Jake thinks he sees his sister. Nothing too elaborate, just one feature that he would instantly realise as being hers. This is because at the moment, the scene comes off as being a little confusing without describing the sister and was hard to imagine in my head.

Other than that, this was a good read. I will be backing when there is more room on my shelf :)

Hemisha
THE PEARL BONES

Although this is not the type of book I would normally read, I must say so far I am interested. You have made the characters real enough that you feel a connection to them and I would definitly read more if you posted.
A few things that I want to point out though
I would change the name of the football team Reefer Rovers makes me think of pot smoking dogs
You drop alot of brand names (converse, sponge bob , x-box even the water was named)
the whole financial burden comment of having to shut the restaurant down for 3 days, i think is not appropriate
because 3 days is not a long time , and I don't think it is something the average teenage boy would even consider, if they were shut down for a month maybe, but not a few days.
You did a great job, bes of luck to you

The clock and the missing sister intrigued me.I like how fast the pace is,and the plot seems to have absolutely no issues.
Backed with pleasure

Harry here, I decided to back your book though I haven't finished reading it yet. I agree with Charmin and would like a little more of a comprehensive description of the town so that I could visualise it better.

Hi Harry here. I am reading your book. This my type of book. I have enjoyed what I have read so far, namely the first chapter. I am reading two other books at the same time, but don't worry, I won't get the stories mixed up. So far it is interesting though I can't understand why there are so many short paragraphs. I have come across this before and in my estimation it stops the flow of the story. Mybe you should format it differently. Never the less I will read on. I have added it to my watch list. Its hard to get time to read as I am writing my own book which is on line at the moment. It is also incomplete.though I have written 22 chapters. My book is called Jonny Dark. It is finished but I am in the middle of editing. I hope you take on board my cricism of yours. It is meant construcyively. I will read more when I can.

Hi Asma,

Good storyline kept me reading on and on. Jake and Kyle will be etched in my memory for a long time.
I'm sure it will be published in the near future, but in order to help you scale up the charts, I have starred it and backed it too.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

I love this chase we have going on here! :D a unseen being is hunting down people, one by one.. it makes me shiver with excitement! Please, please, PLEASE upload more?

Wow, I'm really enjoying it so far! Hope you're planning to upload more or I won't know what to do with myself!

Kadir,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The jewel of the narrative however is the wonderful descriptions of place you introduce throughout, using original language to paint a rich world that takes off with the imagination....

....add to that a plot that flies ....

....and a dialogue that is not to punchy or naturalistic, but somewhat in the middle; fresh and expressive,

and you get a narrative that is a delight to read

Some of my favorites:

"Another year.....
this entire paragraph is you personal best so far...wonderfully descriptive

"he grabbed his art project....."
I would skip the editorializing ("a depiction of his emotions") and say simply: "He felt revolting"

"causing faint creases"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"his emotions, bit of self loathing" "hatred for leaving" :feeling his whole life, confused" "stare him in amazement"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he uses body language to describe...the reader feels

"lacked tremendously" "Nothing unusual" "his smooth face" "pale blue bus" "smiling apologetically"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

Hi A B, The clock and the sister missing, especially after the clock is described, fascinate. You've handled your scenes well, giving background about Jake at places matching the action so that the pieces about him surface. I also liked your descriptions of the characters. This is haunting, the missing people, the Physics teacher disappearing, without their bodies found. There's strong movement in it too so that the attention doesn't lapse. Shelved - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Asma,

I've just finished chapters 1 and 2. While I don't normally read YA, I can definitely apprecaite your well-written and intriguing novel! I am definitely curious to know more about what happened to Jake's brothers and sisters, why his parents are so odd,and what's is the mystery surrounding the clock? Alot of questions planted in chapter number 2 which is sure to draw readers into chapter 3 and onward. Overall, an easy, relaxing, enjoyable read! WELL DONE!

It's an interesting premise with people disappearing and things not as normal as they seem. Kyle is a good underdog character. I would like to learn more about how he dresses and how he gets along with people in school.

The opening of chapter 3 is a bit confusion. At first, I wasn't sure if the part where he saw his sister was a dream or whether the dream was referring to something else.

I think there's a place for this in the YA paranormal market. Well done and backed.

Brian
Mute

hello Asma, As promised, I have read the first four chapters of your story. This is really rather good, well written and there are several hooks - like the clock - which ensure that the reader reads on. Your characters are well rounded and, with the unique fantasy concept, is a good example of the genre. I would like to read more as I would like to know what happens, so it is going on my Watchlist. I have starred it highly and will put it on my shelf in two days' time when there will be some room. Good luck with this.
Best wishes to you.

Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

It was going well until the last paragraph (ch 1) You mentioned more than once how cold it is and this works as it's set in Yorkshire but then you start the last paragraph- With the heat of the sun and strong rays etc. Would the sun be that strong at that time of day in Spring? This bit may need re-wording so you don't go from one extreme to another.

You have an interesting storyline and characters that make me care so reading on is not a problem. I like the use of a clock, it made me constantly wonder why it was so creepy, as well as wondering if it was time or the object itself that would end up being the focus. There are, however, places where the details distract a bit from the read (although, if they become important later then chalk it up to my impatience, they caught my eye) like 'the soft blue carpet of his small room' - almost too much detail, I'm picturing the room now and have lost the train of though a bit.

really enjoyed the first 3 chapters have placed it onmy watchlist for further reading

Really enjoyed the start of your story. Will finish asap!

Rubi x

I really enjoyed your storyline so far; including the loss of Jake's siblings and the paranoia created by the clock that he is somehow connected to. The description is well done and allows an easy understanding of the character's surroundings. I enjoyed this very much, well done

I hadn't intended reading beyond chapter 2 but the ending of it kept me reading and you write well! It's not my genre but I am sure an ed with experience would deflinately be interested. So consider yourself backed and star rated!

Rosemarie
Herocope

I have read the first four chapters of you book so far and I´m impressed both with your writing style and content. I have backed it, starred it and put it on my shelf. I´ll definately be back to read some more when I have time! I think you should do very well with this!
Dee x

I have read the first four chapters of you book so far and I´m impressed both with your writing style and content. I have backed it, starred it and put it on my shelf. I´ll definately be back to read some more when I have time! I think you should do very well with this!
Dee x

This is well written and I like sci-fi type mysteries, but to my taste, the pace is too slow. That's just me; perhaps your target audience will like it better. I am sorry, only four stars.

Wow, this is great storytelling! I want to know more about Jake's parents, his missing sister, what happened to his brother. A real winner, can't wait to keep reading.

An engaging story that kept me on the edge of my seat. It's too bad the manuscript is incomplete I really want to know what happens next. I love the tension in each chapter and the way you keep the reader guessing how the story will come to play. The clock idea is intriguing and having the Egyptians gods faces on it made the clock more special. I wouldn't mind a better description of what the town Jake lives in looks like. I rate this six stars.
-Charmain

Hi,
Our protagonists could be twins!
Both want to escape, live to paint and have recurring nightmares...spooky!
Need to read more to see how this pans out.
Best wishes.
Raquel
Foxblood

So far I have read the first three chapters so I don't want to comment too much without reading the rest. But I want to show that I am good to my word. I think that you have a wonderful idea and concept and I love the Beginning "poem" or proplogue. Very good, to draw the reader in. I like the clock concept and your development of Jake is working thus far. Before you wrote his age, I was able to guess it. Very Good. I like when Jake observes Kyle eating and wonders where he puts all the food. I chuckeled a bit, because I wonder about that with the guys I work with at the fire station. Looks to me that if I move on I will have a thrilling adventure on my hands. This is not my normal reading, I must say, but it is good so far and I will read on. There were some minor punctuation issues and sentences that didn't quite flow well but I recognize that this is still a work in progress and those kinks will come out in time. But the important thing is, the story and characters are very much there. I love that Kyle and Jake talk like two real little boys..."Porters blood!" Oh dear...here we go... :)

Hi Asma, really good storyline you have here, its a good start to your book with chapter one, excellent descriptive scenes that keep the reader wanting to read on.
Your characters are well thought out, Kyle and Jake come over quite strongly playing their parts well.
I've read six chapters and enjoyed them all so far, brilliant , vivid writing and so captivating.
I can see 'The Therions' doing quite well, publisher around the corner so to speak...I hope so...it's very good.
Had to stop at ch. six, you started editing the book and it was locked.
Never mind I shall get back to it for sure.
Pleased to star rate it high on what i've seen so far.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST - SERIES

Hi Asma
I've read 3 chapters - and enjoyed them. Your writing is punchy and the story intriguing. Some nits eg ch 2 ("ushering ... to stop" - not sure I understand this), and re pov, in Ch 1 you mention Jake's green eyes. But these really are minor points to be picked up in editing, and I am looking forward to reading some more. Best wishes, Vall Midwyf

I have read and immensely enjoyed Chapters 1 and 2. Thrilling, full of suspense, promising a great read.
Backed with best wishes and lots of stars. Look forward to reading more,
Marija
- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

The first chapter just went through some light editing - please let me know what you think so I can polish it!!
Many thanks in advance.
Asma
(",)

The Therions.
Prologue? Portentous opening containing both threat and promise of a supposedly inevitable outcome.
Chapter 1 - I like the concept of the clock - an every day object we all have and seemingly innocuous, but not this one, which has a spooky aspect to it. A nice description of black paint, 'it glimmered like oil in the dim light of the table lamp.' Self loathness - self-loathing (not sure if this is what you mean taking into account Jake's feelings regarding his siblings leaving.) Nice touch bringing into the story two people have recently gone missing, it's not laboured, which I think, gives it more punch and a very good hook.
Chapter 2 - Sounds like Jake and Kyle are the only young people of their age in the village. Kyle ushering (maybe remonstrating with the driver or trying to persuade him to wait. Jake's relationship with Kyle comes acrosswell. Another nice hook at the end of the chapter, which will keeper your target readers reading.
Chapter 3 - It might be an idea to put the passage about Jake's nightmare before 'Jake jolted' then you'd have continuity as the way it is at the moment jarred me out of the read. Ms. Glaxon come across well. I see her having a larger part in your story than just stepping in on the disppearance of Patrick Porter. I liked Jake thinking missing people have escaped the dreary confines of the village. Once again, another good hook at the end.
I see from the author's profile this is a first draft. I would encourage the author to edit, smooth out awkward sentences, quite a few of these and easily corrected with a litle effort, cut out anything that doesn't drive the story forward and tighten up prose. On the positive side, the author displays considerable confidence in the unhurried way tension is slowly being cranked up throughout the chapters read. Characterisation is very good, dialogue between Jake and Kyle realistic and the pitch promises a lot of excitement.

Nanty - Chrys!

Dear Asma,

I enjoyed the bravery which you exibit in your novel. It is a kind work to me I say. It keeps me in suspence even though I feel that it doesn't matter if plots get spoiled, good writing is good no matter if the plot is spoiled. I like the characters and their endless answers. Thank you for providing me with your novel.

Have a nice Day,

Billy McBride

Nice manuscript Asma. I really enjoyed it. I blasted through in one session but it was worth it as i ended up calling my co-author to talk about elements of it! Good job!! Backed and starred!!!

Stuart & Victor

backed you!!!!!!!!!

How totally wonderful you are, Asma!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book :) - hope you've ****** 'd mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Hi Asma. First, my apologies for taking so long to reading your book. I have scanned the first chapters and think you have an enticing plot which would hold my interest. Jake's character is well formulated and my, how well you created his miserable, rather frightening home life. No wonder he wanted out, no matter how bad the alternative became.

I guess, from a couple of phrases, that English is not your first language although you have been soundly schooled in it, but I have also found several errors which would be easy enough to correct and would bring up the quality of your work to reviewing standard. You have to remember that an editor will begin to judge a work almost immediately. Is the title arresting? Does the first paragraph grab him/her? And are there any errors? The last is vital, because publisher have no money to hire people to correct these and rely on authors to hand in immaculate texts. In the second line you use a semi-colon incorrectly - which is odd since you use it repeatedly to great and correct effect later on. Here, either replace it with a comma or turn 'making' into 'made'. It is just the kind of nitpick that gives an editor the excuse to move on to the next ms in the pile! Page one is vital.

I note that some points have been already been made - I tripped on slightly broad shoulders as well - but in a way I think some of your errors result from your simply trying too hard! Often the best way to say something is the simplest. I try to keep a couple of rules in mind.

a) If a word, phrase, sentence or idea - or indeed character - does not push the story forward, cut it. When you talk about Jaret and Alexa having gone you use the phrase 'that instance' (which should have been those instances anyway, surely?), is the phrase needed at all? Without it you have a clean, neat sentence.

b) Never use the same word twice in a paragraph, except for emphasis. In one the cardboard screen comes in twice and window three times!

c) Watch adverbs. Publishers today hate them, especially if used awkwardly. - the slightly broad shoulders again; Reef Hill's life which it 'lacks tremendously'. Almost always it is better, and often more striking, to find another way to express your meaning.

Near the end of Ch 1 use 'more secure' or 'better secured', not more secured.
In Ch 2 Kyle is urging the driver to wait, not ushering him. (Check the meaining and don't rely on the spell checker.)

Please don't let these comments put you off. That is the last thing I intend. If you have not yet finished the first draft, I encourage to do to - in the white heat of creation. You get a tremendous boost when you write the last word. Just bear in mind that for all of us that is when the real work begins! I wish you well with what promises to be a great book, and yes, I think it is well pitched at young adults. I would aim at something like 50 to 70,000 word count. And check in the library for which publishers are producing similar books then look up the details of how they want ms presented to them.

Good luck, Margaret Woodward : The Devil's Bairn

I read 1-4. I think you have a good strong storyline here and one that will appeal to your target audience. I also think you have the skill to pull it off. BUT (you knew that was coming didn't you hehe) I think you have a ways to go to get there. You load down information rather than creating a story when you want to give backstory. Either bring the backstory into the main body--if it is that important---or it should just inform and come out in small signals and thougths..not as info dumps.

I think that some sense of the mysterious adventure that is hinted at needs to come to the fore earlier.
Sue

Dear A,
I really think you have something good going for you! Only a couple things: there is a lot of telling and not showing. Jake did this, then he did this, said this etc. Use of the passive voice can be really powerful, but using it too much slows down the story and makes the reader disinterested. It would really help the flow of your story more if you Showed your audience what Jake is doing, seeing, experiencing etc. Try to avoid too much cursing. It is a young adult book after all.
I really enjoyed the story though. Original. :)
J.
"The Champion"

Hi Asma,
Same disclaimer as below, please understand I comment in order to help you grow, not to stunt your dreams or make you feel bad. If I thought your work was terrible, I wouldn't comment.

Plot – The opening is interesting and your pitch got your book on my shelf, but your grammar (especially in the beginning of the second paragraph, first chapter) could use some looking over.
Pacing – I see what you're trying to do, just be careful to avoid the information dump.
Characters/Characterization: Your character is complex, and the pitch leads me to want to know him past chapter one. But in chapter one, everything he thinks or says is a curse. While this is perfectly accessible sometimes, try to beef it up a little. You're using the passive voice a lot, and in turn thinking and feeling your character. He needs to react to his environment - you shouldn't fall into the trap of conveying his reaction to the reader.

Seems like an original story. It's nice how you convey your feelings for the main character through your own narrator's voice - as in, we know you find him attractive for every time that you throw in something nice about his appearance. But, the perfect character is flawed in many ways, and unfortunately, your glowing, rich words were a little distracting in helping me to connect.

Again, only meant to help. I really recommend working with a pro editor.

HI A.B.
Some feedback on your book. As always my comments are meant only to let you know what worked and didn't work for me.
Great opening, pulled me in right away. At end of second paragraph, show me how it looked supernatural, I always tell fellow writers, show me don't tell me. Paragraphs five and six were longer and backstory, feed this in later, once you've pulled in a reader keep the action going, fill in the background later. Too many sentences started with "He" mix it up. One of my pet peeves is double had's, improper english. In paragraph 12, change "if his parents had had their dinner, had eaten their dinner.
The paragraph that starts with "He peered into the living room." the ending about the lamb lasagne is passive writing and is this really needed, does it move the story forward? You're losing me in the lamb dinner, don't know if this is needed to add impact to the story later?
Next paragraph that start "The living room felt warm" again passive voice and the second line states "It was the News." I thought it was the TV he turned on.
For example
Jake turned on the TV as he sat down, the news was on.
The ending was good and obviously the missing people are teasers for later in the story, good work.
Thanks
Frank

Greetings Asma,

I've read chapter one and chapter three. I like what you've got going and think some light editing could greatly benefit your story. Since it's nothing major, I've refrained from offering anything mundane. I'll gladly back this.

Warmly,
Nash Davis

Dear Asma,
I have taken a look at the beginning chapter. You write very well and have the makings of a good story here. My editing is just suggestive, and meant to be helpful. Best wishes with your writing. Jacoba
I will place on my Watch List and get back to it, if you want any more comments.

Proglogue
Calling and begging, to be returned to what was ours.
Return to what we will take back ( Not sure about this, do you mean Return to take back what is ours or Return to take it all back.)

....but one he felt strongly about. ( put in about at the end)
...they stared back at him-watching. (take out him)


..as (his) repressed thoughts returned to torture him. ( instead of 'the')
His older brother-Jared.The accident that Jake never witnessed. The accident that killed him when he was five. (Restructured the sentence)

He wondered if his parents had eaten their dinner. (instead of had, had) knowing they wouldn't inform him anyway. (shortened.)

... washing the container and placed it back in the fridge. ( placed instead of placing)

He instinctively covered his eyes, squinting in the glare, all he could focus on was the red blinding light. ( restructured and shortened the sentence)

Good Job! Teenage boys seem to always come up with really bad ideas (sneaking into the teacher's house to investigate). This book for me is a cross between the movies Joy Ride and The Faculty. Enjoyable

Marie