Affinities

Ch. 4 Para starting, "...she was draped herself ..." Either: " she was draped across..." or "she had draped herself ..."
Para starting, "...No, don't start doing that ..." You write, "I'll try his best but he can't promise" (which makes no sense.)
Para starting "...Out of the headlight glare..." You write, "...he caught the glint of reflective strips on HIS jacket ..." Whose jacket?
Para starting, "...He heard the click of handcuffs..." You write: "...his head span..." Past tense of spin is spun. Span is a noun of measurement.
Para starting "...Andrew sat up ..." You write "...had woken up ..." past perfect of wake is awakened ... "...had awakened ..."

It will take a lot of work but the premise is sound, the pacing is good, and the story keeps you reading. You can do it if you remain acutely aware of every word your write. You've worked hard so far ... keep it up and you will be published.

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 3 Para starting, "Of course I did, but ..." You've gotten your pronouns confused here. She is talking about coming to the beach as a child and she says, "Of course I did, but HIS parents ..." it continues into the next couple of paras, too. "...need HE say more?"
"Anna sat on ground" (missing an article -- Anna sat on THE ground)
Para starting, "Things began to fall into place ..." you write: "...harbouring a bitter resentment for OUR failed marriage ..." need to change to third person.
Para near end starting, "The feeling of death..." you say: "...conscience faded." Conscience is the knowledge of wrongdoing. You want Consciousness.

While I pick apart the little things that can keep a book from being published, let me assure you I am, at the same time, very interested in the book itself. You have a very distinctive voice to your writing that makes you unique. Bear with my "pickiness" and keep working toward publication ... you deserve it.

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 2 Para beginning, "It was bizarre..." you have, "He would find himself alone at a restaurant, SAT alone..." you're changing tenses within the sentence. You need to change one or the other of your vebs. You could say: "He WAS at a restaurant, SITTING ..." or "He FOUND himself at a restaurant, SITTING ..." I can't seem to think of a good way to keep the word SAT in this passage.
Para starting, "Just as suddenly as it started ..." you have: "...shaking on the floor in a state of disbelief, a cold shudder as he ..." need to change "cold shudder as he.." to explain the shudder. Something like; "...a cold shudder rumbled through his muscles as he..." (in other words, what did the cold shudder do?)
You seem to have a bit of a problem with sentence fragments. To help you with this, always assure yourself that you can identify your subject and your predicate (noun and verb) since all sentences need those two items. Fragments can definitely be put to use as a way to highten tension, but you don't want to overuse them because they lose their "punch" and then become simply "bad grammar."

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 2: "He walked over the lounge to the kitchen counter." Don't know whether you are American or not but in American usage a "lounge" is more likely either a piece of furniture (somewhat like a sofa/couch/davenport) or else it's a commercial place where you go to drink and meet the opposite sex.
In my mind's eye, "walked over the lounge" brings a mental picture of someone literally stepping up onto a lounge and then down again onto the floor on the other side. American's call a home's living area a living room. Just something to consider.

Joyce ~ Slave to Grace

Ch. 1 Very nice ... polished.

AFFINITIES: CHRIS HOLLIS

Much tension reverberates through the chapter indeed!; there is a great emphasis on the pain that Andrew bears although sometimes I think it is too melodramatically described. Still the idea of conveying that pain and terror is obvious. Well written although I would suggest cutting down that description and increasing reader interest with other details that play out the main character, Andrew. Just a thought but yes, this is an intriguing piece!

Shelved. Just commenting now.

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

AFFINITIES
This is a scary book. And a real puzzle as to what is real and what is all in the narrator’s head. I just kept reading and reading, sure it would all be clear any minute – but it got more complex and more puzzling – and more interesting. Your writing style is just right for this. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Hi Chris,
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Wow! Excellent tension and pace. I like the way you build us up and then drop us with a sentence. Backed

Backed January 16.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Great hooks to a great thriller.

Happily backed

Melxx
UNICORN

SHELVED with pleasure, my friend. BACKED with pleasure!

A start which grabs the reader, great hooks at the ends of chapters 1 and 2. You perfectly capture your MC's sense of confusion and fear at discovering blocks of missing time in his life. I would buy this. Backed.

Affinities - Chris, a marvelous gripping story. The eerie sombre tone is well-crafted. The dread is riveting. Very well-done.. evan (oaklane woods)

I loved this. Great stuff. You have the knack of being a great storyteller. Your writing is superb. Considering the subject matter and living up to your pitch, this was no easy task. It made me feel like I was there in the reality of the world of your book. Your mastery of the elements of psychology I think had much to do with this. Shelved for now.

I've read your partial and will be shelving this because it's generally well-written. No glaring "newbie" errors.

However, I think you can increase the narrative drive in your story by weaving in bits of backstory, starting in C.2. Small bits, and the stuff that foreshadows the car accident and whether he feels any guilt over it, etc. The 'supernatural' tension can be increased if the reader cares more about your MC, I think. For example, by the end of c.3, I still don't know much about your MC and if I don't know much about him, how can I care about him enough to follow him on his journey?

Just my two cents' worth, of course.

I do like your pitch and your premise...keep up the good work!

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? backing optional)

Dark content slickly written. I too was drawn in by the excellent pitch. Have to recommend this read.

This is heavy stuff and mightily intriguing. I wonder what the significance of 3:14 is. Many will find this hard to read, because you are continuously in your MC's head. For my part, I like this (I dream a lot!).

Shelved.

Elaina
Gathering of Rain (a fair few of my night time wanderings have ended up in here!)

Very dramatic. I was drawn in by the pitch and the synopsis and wanted to read more. Your prose is emotion filled and intense. I did notice a few elements that I thought could be improved. 'faster than I could raise my arms, it spread across my face.' Would it be better to say 'It spread across my face, faster than I could raise my arms'. This may sound a little picky, and unnecessary, but it would put the malevolent force in the driving seat. You could then write 'I forced my eyes shut...' which would also be clearer.
After that, it keeps its dramatic air well. I did wonder if it would improve the suspense if you had more mundane descriptions of your daily events, rather than a constant intensity, which can wear on readers after a while.
Hope that helps! - Adrian Ellis (Copper Book)

Good morning, Chris,

As someone who grudgingly tolerates frequent nightmares, I wasn't sure I wanted to get into this manuscript. Enough is enough, right? However, I did enter your dreams, and was pleased to discover that, if nothing else, you provide an easy, fluid read. One of the hardest things to do is to adequately DESCRIBE a dream, and you have accomplished this-- and more. Two chapters was enough, though!!

Wishing you the best with your writing career.

Karen

hello Chris,
This is very strange. It's very well written, scary and suspenseful and I've read to the end of ch 3. But it really isn't my thing, so I'm just going to wish you all the best with it.
Regards

Whew! Kafka updated. Read the first two chapters. My compliments. It's a remarkable achievement to get this far into a story where, although the only action takes place in someone's head, the author manages to hold the reader's attention.

Look forward to reading the rest and have backed it in the meantime.

Marko
(Brief Encounters)

Hi Chris,
Very well written and what page turner. I just found everything else vanished except your book! Definitely on the bookshelf and wish you the best with this. Eric

Chris, Searching Thrillers I found Affinities. This is a great read. You've put a tremendous amount of work into it. I'll back it for sure. One thing. "They've really crossed the line tonight." You switch tense. I think you can go into the present tense for sustained periods of time with this. It would help to really put us in his head. When he/the narrator moves the action back along, switch back to the past tense. Not sure caked in sweat is the best desscription. I don't think sweat really cakes up. Nice work!

Hi Chris. Hilghly suspenseful. A true page turner. Excellent choice to have short, electrifying chapters. You do well with physical descriptions and shocking feelings of the protagonist. A mystery to solve. Fantastic. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

It's not my thing at all, but it's good and I'm backing it, retreating to the safety of daylight (failing that, jumping under the covers and pulling it tight over my head).

Hi Chris, I've read five long chapters of your novel, and while it's not my type of book I keep reading to learn what the hell is happening here...you have a canny way of keeping the reader's interest. Well done, I can understand your high ranking, but I must make a suggestion. Take a knife to the first two chapters and prune severely before you get to the editor's desk, if you want to make a good impression.
JR

Hello Chris,

What a book! It's intense, dramatic, but also most unnerving to read. The story is strong enough to keep the reader turning the pages, and your prose is excellent. Faultless, in fact. This is going on my shelf.

Backed for publishing!

Best regards,
Brian

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=5203

Affinities

Hi Chris, This has been on my watchlist for far too long and I have now had a chance to read it. Wow, a real thriller, very gripping, very unnerving, plays on your mind after you have finished it... You have done an excellent job of creating a lot of pscyhological tension and lots of intrigue the propels us powerfully through the narrative. An excellent job, one of the most intense, sustained and surreal pieces of writing I have read on the site, loved the circular return to 3:14am, x-certificate Groundhog dad, you have managed to have a reading experience as disorientating for the reader as it is for the MC.

Well done, consider it shelved, this needs to be going up the charts now - Andrew W.

Dramatic start. Well written. I definitely want to read on. You create a very visual and very emotive scenario. I really like this.
Chapter 2 gives us more of the same. Ok, we are getting to how he is feeling, but is something going to happen or not?
Start of chapter 3 gives us break at the start, then more of the same.
Chapter 4 continues at full speed, dramatic, not knowing what is going on. I want to know what is going on. I need a break from the tension, the drama.
Chris, you write beautifully and dramatically. I can’t fault your writing. I just don’t think I could read a whole book with this poor guys confusion and headache. I need some story (not just the mystery and tension) to get me wanting to read on. You have a great talent. I love your writing. I just need the story to read as well as the emotion.

This is powerful and unnerving stuff! After the first few lines you can't help but read on... Consider yourself shelved, this books deserves to see the light of day. Good luck! Straussy

Hi Chris,

This is quite intriguing. I'm wondering right along with your MC what's happening to him. You have something different and well-written here. I haven't found anything to pick with. I'll pop you on the shelf for a while.

Dear 'Creepy Chris'
This is good stuff, reminds of the movie Momento. Your writing is sparce and effective. I'm one for expressing inner thoughts of the characters, which you do plenty of. It really gets you involved.

I love it! I have read chapters 1 and 2. I am not going to read anymore because I will buy it when it is published. T. x

Chris,

I have read all that you have posted and I am fascinated. You no doubt will have gleaned all I could say about style, typos etc from your many previous comments so I will be brief.

It is gripping but for me it took just a little too much time to get going. The opening chapters read to me like a man with a chardonnay and tecquila hangover which was not particulary attractive. I very nearly gave up but thankfully read on to his first escape from the flat.
After the knife-carrying, cop fighting foot race across a darkened housing estate only to fall asleep in a flowerbed, I was hooked.

I like the way each chapter ends with a tag line to drag the reader on. Overall it reads like an episode of 'Sapphire & Steel' though I may be giving away my age there. Maybe I should have said 'Heroes' or 'Lost'

'Affinities' is excellent and I have shelved it. If you could maybe have a look at the sequence of passages in the early chapters to make the main character more attractive and instill some empathy it would avoid the dip in interest I suffered before the real action took over.

But then, I am but one reader.

All the best of luck with this.
Stephen

I've been back for seconds. This book creeps up on you in the night and comes back to haunt you. Kafka for the 21st Century or what? You are a wizard!

Sheer tension going on here. It's a real reading living nightmare. Relentless and scary. You're goin' on my shelf.

Hi Chris, I just read a handful of chapters and I'm hooked. I can't say I liked the first chapter as much as the rest. Apart from that one killer line about the feeling a balloon has before it bursts (that kept me reading), the rest of that first chapter seemed to be trying a little too hard to describe the agony of a character I didn't yet know well enough to care about. Chapter Two and Three soon put that right and the pace seemed less forced. I shall certainly read the rest. Excellent!

Hi Chris, just read the first two chapters. Excellent writing and nicely mysterious. Your descriptions are great, but sometimes I missed stronger emotion on your I-narrator's part. The horror after the pain gripped him when he tried to leave the apartment, described very much like his dying sensation in chap 1. Otherwise, great job! I'll put it on my wl and come back later. Edith

interesting idea and well writen-defiantly something i would but on my book shelf. Only on chapter 3 but i am intrigued to find out what is happening to him and wheather while he sleeps something else is controlling him. Good work.

I like this very much, prose like this keeps me reading!
Patrick Barrett (Shakespeare's Cuthbert)

Chris - thought the pain was crisply captured in your opening chapter while its intensity was justified by the last line, "The reason I died every night". This last line is ideally placed to carry the reader to the notion of 'dying in one's sleep' - one remove from death, one from waking consciousness.
This premise held me and made me want to read on.
It's always a fine balance to dwell with internalisation while maintaining pace but this is your strength. The sentences are so economical, every word working for you, that the pace is maintained while the novelty of this semi-conscious world can be explored. By the time I'd reached the end of chapter 2, I felt assured that this was a book I could read until I'd forgotten my bacon was burning. I'll give this a spin on my shelf. Raymond

Hi Chris,

This is a tightly written, tense drama and I found myself racing through it. You have created a tremendous feeling of clautrophobia in this flat of yours. You feel there's no escape.

Perhaps because of the way you did this so successfully, I found myself wondering what life lay outside for the main character. You say in chapter 2 "I wanted to get out of the flat. Back to a normal life." What is that normal life, though? MAybe by letting the reader know that, it would heighten the sense of frustration and tension. Also, I didn't see much evidence in the first two chapters of the character's efforts to escape. I realise this is not a wakeful reality, but I wanted to see him striving for an escape, even if he remains physically restricted.

One very minor point. I think it was in chapter 1: "I was walking over the lounge." Did you mean to say 'over'?

I've already shelved this. Great stuff!

cheers

robin

Chris,

This is similar in premise to Kafka's "Metamorphoses," in which the main character wakes up one morning only to discover that he has turned into a giant insect and must now live with the rammifications of such a daunting change. At the same time, it also has a Poe-like feeling. Consider "A Tell-tale Heart, or the Cask of Amontillado." The narrator is insane in both works, and the reader literally feels his insanity. The reader lives his insanity.

In these first few chapters of Affinity, I live the insanity of your main character. I can hear the scratching, the noises like gunshots. I feel the overwhelming exhaustion, his desperate need for sleep but the fear of sleep at the same time. "I died every night" is almost literal. It is a great concept and it keeps the reader wanting to know why he is experiencing this terror, this torture. He knows something he shouldn't. But what? And who or what is making this happen? Suspense is building. And it is good.

If I have any criticism, it is that you could probably cut some of the wordiness and come up with an even better piece of writing. Maybe even keep the insanity to one chapter, and then introduce Anna and maybe even another character because too much of anything, regardless of how good it is, gets old. We need to have something actually happen soon.

If you read Poe, you will see that he makes every word count. He only states what is absolutely necessary to keep the reader involved. This is part of pacing and it is a very important part.

Good luck with this. I'm backing it. I hope you are reviewed by HC. Susie Parker, author of "Foul Player."

1st thoughts...have you read 'Others' by James Herbert? I think you'll like it... The pitch is good, tense and effective.

Ch1 -

'My life had taken a turn...' how about: 'I didn't know it but my life had just taken an irreversible turn. And none of it would make any sense, until the very end. But of one thing I was certain - this pressure, this pain...it was a sign, a stark warning. I'd stumbled across truths I wasn't meant to discover...Which was why I died every night.'

I did like this chapter though...you attempt to grab the reader by the jugular and largely succeed.

ch2 -

A dark night of the soul... I like this. The solitude of a man fighting demons, struggling to maintain his grip on reality. The looping of the dreams, the repetition of time (3.14), the headaches... I got a visceral feel of what this man was going through, however I felt you went around the block one too many times. If you could somehow manage to condense the ch by a quarter, without losing the great 'feel' and sense of this man being ringfenced by dread and spooks, I feel this would raise this to another level. Also just every other paragraph could have been tightened up.

'At first I thought of rats...' how about: 'At first I thought of rats but the noise they made - the sheer weight it implied - whatever they were...they were much bigger.'

'So large that they ...' - I'd drop this whole sentence.
'making sure it was the right thing to do.' I'd drop this too. (the bit before it was good though).

'...feeling the cool kiss of tiling underfoot.' - v.nice!

Hi Chris,

I hope you find these comments helpful. They are, but one reader’s humble opinion. Feel free to ignore them, or print them out and burn them. But I only write them in the hope of improving your manuscript-- with the ultimate goal of publication.

It's all very mysterious.

I have had those headaches, days on end, nothing to quiet them. Turns out mind were related to taking too much ibuprophen -- rebound headaches the doctor said. After quitting the pills the headaches disappeared. But then that's not much of a story. Your protagonist's agony is far more interesting.

The italicized side comments, I'm not certain you need to italicize them, as everything we're reading is an aside comment in the First Person.

This reminds me a bit of Alex Garland's COMA, though AFFINITIES is far more wordy. I think you might take a look at COMA and see how sparse the prose is, yet how powerfully it gets it's point across. It's about the distortions in time and space and the protagonist's perception. COMA is a great, literary and psychological thriller, in my opinion. And he wrote it after writing the screenplay for 28 DAYS LATER, and realizing he could learn a lot from screenwriting. Garland found that he could leave out much of the stage direction, letting the reader infer much of it.

I think you could trim a good deal of chapter two. There is a good deal of repetition. You don't need to include every painful headache. It could be whittled down to something like: the thoughts of people in the house *flash* pain *flash* it's now two days later. Going about it in this manner will make your readers wonder just what is going on -- leave some of the details out. Let your reader infer that the same things have been happening to the protagonist during the two days when he lost time. Play up the distortions, rather than focusing on the mundane details. Accentuate what is really positive about your manuscript -- I think your concept is good. It's something I'd like to read about. The pacing does pick up after the first half of chapter two, though the beginning really seemed to bog the narrative down.

Really, though, I think the narrative recovers during the second half of chapter two. I guess it's just that first part that I'm not fond of. (Though I'm glad his wife, Anna, makes an appearance to start chapter 3. Any trimming to get another character on the scene quicker will do the manuscript a world of good.)

Maybe this is authonomy's fault, and your paper manuscript solves this next issue, but in the first half of chapter two I think a visual cue to your reader would be helpful . . . say a few carriage returns each time 3:14 shows on the clock. (Of course a little trimming might also do the trick). While I know your protagonist is confused as to the time (and this may be intentional on your part -- to allow a shared experience for the reader), your reader is confused as well -- though not in a particularly good way. A few carriage return to indicate that time has passed (or * * * as you use later on, if you prefer), letting the reader know that this is a separate episode from the one before would be helpful .

Cheers,
Jason

Intriguing, feels a bit like Lost but in written form...have absolutely no idea what is happening yet which certainly helps with the need to turn the page, but am wondering if by the end of the second chapter we should know more about what is going on. The tension builds well, the pov is intense and effective, will watchlist for a while and come back to discover more soon - Andrew

Chris, man, the problem I have with your first chapter is borne of taste. It tells me nothing; sure, it is a barrage of sensation, pain, frustration; but that is all there is. Not enough to warrant a gripping read. I say, begin with the hook, a few sentences of this, and then get into your story, rather than dragging this out.

I've at last had time to read a few more chapters, Chris. I didn' feel sure about it at first but it's beginning to grip me. I just feel you could slightly condense the first couple of chapters as they go on for too long about the same idea but we do get the idea of your MC's struggle with sanity. Or is it in the mind? It certainly begs the question up to this point. You write very well, though and get the feeling of claustrophobia and unravelling very well. Lorri

Hi Chris,

This book is amazing. I've read all the chapters you've posted - I couldn't stop reading after just a couple.

It is in need of some polishing. There are grammatical errors, typos, etc (I would have made lots of notes on these but seeing as I'm American and you're British, I thought it best if I leave that to someone who's more familiar with British spelling and grammar rules). There's definitely more need of polishing in the later chapters than earlier ones; I'm guessing that's because you've gotten more comments on the earlier chapters. That's all I could come up with for negatives.

I like that what's going on isn't necessarily what you think at first. I kept coming up with theories and then I'd get another piece of information that would completely change my thoughts on what was happening. I love that it's not predictable and not easy to figure out. So many thrillers nowadays can be pegged in the first couple chapters.

I can honestly say that I would buy this book if given the opportunity and would recommend it to others. I've gone ahead and backed it. Good luck!