Fardel's Bear

This is wonderfully inventive. The only thing missing are the physical voices -- in the sense that it would work even better as a radio play, with a sparse narrative. On the page, the story feels somehow constrained by the medium. Spoken, it would be a rampant and mordant comedy. Those sound effects are yet another symptom of this.

If there is anything I could take exception with, it's the self-conscious voice (with mentions of stream of consciousness, for instance). But that's inevitable when the subject revolves around a literary character. Self-referentiality (is that even a word?) is so hard to pull off in any field -- quite possibly impossible in some, like maths. Most systems seem to work nicely when they describe something else and fall apart when they try to describe themselves. (I will not get even more pompous and bring in meta-stuff, I promise!)
So, I'm not sure what could be done to deal with that without getting rid of the lg, hence the whole story.
Portrait of an artist as a tin of baked beans, anyone?

The voice changes do throw the reader off. You could argue that we've all got a bit too lazy and you would be right. Still, it wouldn't hurt to get earlier hints that, for instance, it's Wendy sitting on the loo. (Oh, it's Heidi. She is the girl friend, not Wendy. See what I mean?)
I know. I know. Joyce did get away with it. Some of us get away with blue murder. For the rest, there is always the line to toe.
(Of course, a radio play would make those voice switches exciting, instead of challenging.)

I'm afraid when you followed chapter 2 with even more dense self-reflection from Dai, my initial reaction was, 'Oh, no!'
Chapter 4 restored the humorous outlook, thankfully.

Have you tried the conventional speech marks? Do you feel they don't work for you?
(Neither here nor there for me. The convention on the continent is to use the m-dash for speech. I grew up with it. It didn't somehow corrupt my reading experience. Still, the convention here is to use the inverted commas and the editors will expect a reason other than personal preference before they let that one through.)
However, if you are going to stick with m-dashes, you need to be even more disciplined with your paragraphs. For instance, the paragraphs starting with '- That's him, he overheard people saying...' or '- You're supposed to be drying it...' carry on with narration that belongs to needs a separate paragraph.

Do they actually eat anything other than beans? Where did they manage to find a kevlar reinforced toilet?

Hmmm... The more I read, the more that reference to Point Counter Point appears to be more than simple name dropping. It might of course be worth asking why there haven't been more of those since the 20s.
I would place this at the quite literary end of the spectrum. Not a comfortable place to be for a writer unless they have an Oxbridge degree and inside connections -- and not all that comfortable even then. (Oh dear. I am doing my spectre at the feast act again.)

Best of luck.
Huseyin
All Things Noble

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an original and comedic tale written with flair. Your characters have spark. Skillful use of imagery. Convincing narrative. Hysterical wit. A very enjoyable read. Backed.

Dear JD


I would buy it for myself for sure. well crafted, and soooo real to me...that is due to your writing skills. such talent and ability with words to create quite the animated movie in my head
CONGRATS I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Dear J D, I backed your 1st book 164 days ago & you haven't backed my memoir book. I backed 4 of your books yesterday & am now reading & commenting on them. :) I love your humor & you make me laugh. :) Your pitch is great, enticing me to read & your dialogue with the lines in front are unique & wonderful. :) Your paragraphs are tight, providing a smooth read. :) I love the way you have the appraisal at the end in chapter 22. :) Great write! :) Now to go to your 3rd book. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Please take a moment to back my memoirs book. :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

You have written a very interesting, funny and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character. I also like how you use the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

:) comment to follow - read & comment on 18 hours later :)

Delicously original, intriguing and inspiring. Something to keep on your WL and dip into occasionally, for insight and encouragement. This is what it means to create art from writing. I can't speak to how the whole thing works out or how this succeeds as a complete work, but the sections I read promise greatness.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

I'm actually going to have to back 2 of your books just because you're original and you can write.

Hi JD
This is funny and quirky. You have a great command of language. OK, so I didn't get all of it, but I could see what you were trying to do. Reading a few chapters was entertaining and absorbing. Whether I could read a whole book, I'm not sure. But congratulations for being brave enough to try to make this work.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Well, it certainly is literary fiction - pulling from Ulysses et al, and not badly, either.

That might be the reason why I found it hard to follow, but I've never been one for stream of consciousness reading. Little dim, I guess. But what you have here is a wonderful piece of work - I got to chapter 3 and found my head swimming with wonderful writing. It is actually like thoughts.

Congrats. Backing it happily.

Esme C

A very entertaining subtle stream of conciousness, that makes sense even when the words don't make sense. I thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter and back the book more than happily.
BADD saves the Queen

It does all look different when a real crisis comes along. But not for long. Gravity gets the best of most everything and it all tumbles back where it wants to be. Sadly, I have no dialectic reasoning to bring anything out in the way of a decent comment - you are light years beyond my brain, but this is one of the most lucidly bizarre items I've had the privilege of reading. I wish you much success. Or whatever it is you think best.

Sincerely,
- Horse Badorties' Delinquent Protégés Simple Cousin

Post Script: (Nearly fell out when I saw Maggie up there with Pot, Stalin, Hitler. I don't see George W. and his overlord Dick C.- they deserve a spot on the bloody wall)
(typo: "...when sitting down to edit this one last time, did my chip pan burst into flames, when I was unaware of turning on the heat on beneath it?" You'll need to choose here, either "turning the heat on beneath it" or "turning on the heat beneath it" You can't have both. Or can you? Don't be disheartened. Please.)

Okay I see the Joyce echo.

I’m not bothered by it.

Many people aren’t going to understand your novel. It’s beyond them. So what? There has to be a thicker sheet than toilet tissue.

Now, in the 73 days (I just looked) that I’ve been on this site and the 100s of books (2 of yours) I’ve perused (at least two chapters) I can honestly state with authority and veracity that you have the greatest command of vocabulary on the site. No one makes more delightful word choices.

This work reminds me of what I do when I rant. If I’m arguing with a woman I start making my case and then I surf my mental and emotional velocity waves (and expect her to gidget along) until I finally arrive at my points.

You’ve written a lot of secrets of men. You’ve written a light into a man’s soul. Unfortunately, you’ve heaped bullshit around them. Yet the truths gleam. Well, because you’ve chosen the perfect words and you’ve described them well.

Okay, now. Print your novel and get out a red pen and cross out all the unnecessary words. And then go back and excise all the words that aren’t exactly true.

And when your finished sit back and pour a pint and congratulate yourself. Because what’s left will be seriously brilliant.

No. Seriously brilliant.

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”

I didn't understand your pitch, or much of the first chapter, then I read your comments and started to feel a bit thick cos most people seemed to get this and I was still lost! But, the way you handle words is quite lovely at times and oddly pleasing, good luck with it, Maggie P.

Dear L.G. Lots of great comments about your lovely way with words, all true, and your clever play with literary styles, also true, so I won't add to them. I'll just complain about your profile picture. Your breeches are definitely supposed to be lavender.

Ooh, thank you, Cully!

Yes, I have always had a problem with books in which authors are the main protagonists; though I do believe writers should write largely about the milieu they know, they should bear in mind their readers mainly don't ~ so I sort of compromised by writing about a not-very-good wannabe writer (cos I knows all about that!) and aiming it mainly at people who think real writers are pretentious prats. Whether it works for them, who can say, Lobothomy is not a good place to find out.

The 'chapters' are only for the authonomy site. In fact the chunks, ie bits in any one style or set of styles, get longer and longer on a fibonaccian basis, delineated from one another only by a couple of blank lines, until chunk 12 takes up three authonomy chapters (12-14) and Part II, though subdivided to mirror the chunks of Part I, is one whole chunk, over a third of the whole book.

As mentioned on the book's 'pitch', the whole thing can be downloaded as 2 rtf files from my site, and prunt or stuck in e-readers, in the format I want.

I make no apologies for expecting the reader to work a bit. My favourite reads are Joyce,Tolstoy and Proust and they expect ~ and reward tenthousandfold ~ a bit of effort.

I'm being completely blown away at the moment by Bernhard's Korrektur, in two parts of 120pp, each a single paragraph and the average sentence length well over 100 words. I used to say the novel is a dead form, hopelessly tied down by the Lilliputians of 'story', but now I realise that only applies in English.

In the never-to-be-written sequel, Current's Turn (a Restoration Comedy), all the chapters will be exactly the same length, using a vignetting approach which will mean each ends (and possibly starts), not only mid-action, but even mid-sentence, to enforce the x-word limitation. Not that I want be thought of as an Oulipo guy, any more than I like being accused of stream-of-consciousness. ;o) It just suits what I have to say. Or rather, don't.


I only recently read the Sound and the Fury ~ I couldn't make much sense of it but I doubt William would lose much sleep over that.


Anyway, thanks for those wonderful and critical comments. Food for thought, definitely. I may be back with more comments or to run past you ideas for improvement based on your astute perceptions.

OK, obviously I like your writing. But here, while well-written and good images and descriptions, it gets a little long to read and I wanted the whole literary genius thing to be minimized somehow. Maybe because I'm a writer as well it gets a tiny bit distracting (I almost wrote annoying and pretentious, but that's too strong).

Second chapter with Cicero I get back to the enjoyment of your writing. It's smart and it is interesting and well-written and enjoyable--because I feel i'm either learning something or re-learning something from a new perspective--both of which work.

Your skill with words, alliteration, etc. are brilliant. I am reminded, for some reason, of Tristram Shandy, The Sound and the Fury (obviously the stream of consciousness), etc., even though they're clearly different than your work.

Then on into Chapter 3 the good writing continues. I'd recommend shortening each chapter--the long ones are a bit much to read, and on the web it'll just be more pleasant to read shorter chapters. Overall obviously I admire your writing, but it is definitely going to be a bit much for most.

Cully

The stream of conscious writing is absolutely great, really funny. Recently started a thread about ‘Books that dare to be different’ this needs to be added to it – Good luck

Famlavan – Museum of Old Beliefs

Well, JD, you're either a genius or an idiot who got lucky.

I see this as performance art. First, the stream of consciousness within the writers mind. Shit, i know how often the smallest thing can set me off and break my concentration. That was very nicely done, though jarring. I did get used to it, as your style slid over me.

How could anyone mistake who was on the toilet?

Here's what I took away from THAT marvelously crafted scene. Dai, through a crack, sees Heidi as she ascends the stairs. She thinks of him (presumably--that's what I took away from it) and how he thinks she looks naked. Wendy, through a crack in the door, as she sits on the toilet, sees Heidi, and harbours feelings she didn't think herself capable of feeling.

The end of this scene was very cinematic. This would be a wide-lens shot of the rain, the shells, the dung-smeared cow, and finally, the bucket, filling with water.

I had no other way to report back to you on this scene, having no experience with this type of writing in a manu format, but wanted to let you know that I think I get it, and I really enjoyed it. I actually found it reminescent of Tyler Durden's character (his thoughts, anyway) from 'The Fight Club' by Chuck P, but only in how the scene made me feel. As for punctuation, I wouldn't even want to try. This (aside from the stream of C in the beginning; something that can't be punctuated because it is str. of C), was punctuated perfectly.

Okay, idiot or genius? Well, you're not an idiot.

Gerry
Dropcloth Angels

Well in the end I just went for the next one down Fardels Bear.

What a wonderful rambling, ranting, read.

The undressing scene was so well done, the race to beat the landlady really did have me laughing out loud. I am enjoying the construction of this one.

There is so much here, the silliness, the eroticism, the surrealism well of course you know because you wrote it. I am putting this in my favourites so that, when some of the other stuff gets me down I can come back and see what everyone is up to.

How very funny and utterly silly. I saw a very amusing comment of yours in the forum regarding nude posing and an increase in pay to keep your clothes on. So I thought I'd have a little read and am delighted that I did. The stream of consciousness is hilarious and very beguiling. You have saturated me in nonsense and whimsy, and at no point did it disguise the fact that you are evidently a very good writer.

There should be more bean can hurling literary geniuses in my opinion.

'The destruction of art by the machine age' - you minx. :0)

Alethea

Hi Dai: Fardel's Bear is one of the more unusual reads I've seen on Authonomy; it's by turns confusing, erotic and ever-so-slightly surreal. We get different perspectives and signs of a kind of Bohemian lifestyle in this "so-called genius", what seems to be his woman and Heidi. I liked the fact that it was difficult to get into - though still engaging - and I found myself wondering how much of it was the work of the characters, in their own world, and how much of it was Dai's, as he writes his work in the attic. It is among the closest I've seen of all the books on Authonomy to approach high-concept literary fiction, and it's clear you have a great talent at your disposal.

Pat Black

I very much enjoy your quirky style of writing, however difficult it is as a subject for intelligent critique.

I took a look, seeing that it starts in Latin (which I'm trying to learn) and set in York (where I grew up). What an original voice. I'm not big on 'Stream of Conciousness' stuff - I found On the Road difficult - but you do it with style. Ben

This is one of those reads that I look at and think ' I'm just too thick to enjoy, let alone understand this.' but, then I start reading it and think 'maybe I as wrong'. I really enjoyed what I've read of this. I'm always looking for something a little bit different and you have certainly have come up with a different combo here. i won't say anything on your use of language etc etc as I'd just make a complete twat of myself, as your very obviously a very accomplished writer.
Enjoyed and backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

I never in a million years would have expected to get swallowed up by this piece. Strange, dry, random ... then not quite so dry ... omg. I am absolutely amazed at this, and at myself! Somehow I feel not only naughtier, but more intelligent.
SO enjoyed the experience.
:)
backed
- Genevieve
Under The Same Sky

Ah right. Well, yes, I am one of the people who sees the 'Wake' for the hilariously funny, evocative and moving work of genius that it is. The intellectual 'trickery' is always at the service of the underlying effects. I guess I was fortunate in that I read Joyce before anyone told me he was supposed to be difficult or smartarse, so I was able to read it simply for enjoyment. I've read it a few times since, though I don't think it's as good as 'Ulysses' ~ but then little is.

There is of course a confusion in that I don't have chapters but chunks ~ very mathematically structured (in tribute to Austen's meticulous layouts) but not easily fit into authonomy. Not that I'd have anything more than a row of * to separate them in book form. The speed of change of the voice, the author's search for identity, if you like, gets slower as the chunks get longer. Only the fifth chunk is Woolfish. Or meant to be.

Well, others have downloaded and read the lot (twice in one case!) and found it moving and meaningful (which latter I find far harder to understand than your reaction),so it can't be a total failure. Cleverness was not supposed to be part of the impression. If I were clever I could use it to disguise the cleverness of the book, if any.

But as it is a novel about itself, I would have said it was all surface, all skin ~ at least at first. I think something gradually coalesces as the form settles. For some readers anyway ~ for me the beauty of the 'Wake' is the way globs of sense loom out of the impressionistic dreamscape and then fade back into a mist, just as in a dream. I know I can' compare my shit with that in terms of achievement but the ideas are there ~ somewhere.

I love the idea of a novel as a joke but this isn't one. And some of it (particularly the Huxley bit) parodies novels of ideas ~ valid though they are ~ better than boring 'story-based' shit anyway. Most of my faves are very low on plot; though I'm still far from sure about M Perec or Mr Faulkner, I feel I should persevere with them. Unlike my writing, I do have a suspicion they have something to offer if I work at it (and something you don't have to work at is far less rewarding ~ this does not apply to FB, so don't think I'm encouraging you to read on).

So I think I can conclude you aren't one of the 25 people who will like Fardel's Bear. ;o) This makes me all the more grateful for the trouble taken and the comments.

Dai, I only read the first two chapters. The whole of the first chapter, with the exception of a jarring longish passage in the middle, seemed to me a parody of The Waves. I wasn’t sure why the WHOLE chapter didn’t replicate the rhythms of VW’s book. In fact, I was rather hoping the whole book would. It seemed a bizarre decision to shunt in a new voice and then shunt it out again. And the effect it had was to make one feel there was a dodgy structure to this book.
By the time I had finished chapter two I felt I was reading something that had no surface to it, no skin. It was too private, too esoteric, too inside out somehow. It was like witnessing all the labour that goes into writing a novel rather than reading any kind of novel itself. Maybe that’s clever. I know you are very clever, as you invariably display on the forum. Perhaps you’re one of the twenty five people in the world who sees more in Finnegan’s Wake than an elaborate but ultimately rather tiresome practical joke. To be honest I’m not a fan of the novel as elaboration of an intellectual theory. Or as a practical joke.
I greatly admired what I read of your other book. That seemed to me far more successful in its illusionist trickery, its authorial inversions and practical jokes. I suspect this to a great extent was due to the simple fact that it told a story. Pale Fire, for me the cleverest novel of multiple-layered literary mimicry, also tells a very entertaining story.

Oooh, thank you.

That's why the Waves parody is only one small chunk of the book (850 words). It is parodying both the style and that character-building function. Also a sneaky way to tell you Heidi's mother is a tea-lady from Berlin, Wendy is curious but suppressed and prudish etc.

The early chunks, which get longer and longer, parody authors I have been influenced by (not always authors I like) ~ as the book is about a search for an identity and a voice as well as a no-doubt-symbolic bean tin, this seems an appropriate excuse ~ sorry, device. Huxley and Proust f'rinstance, being less stylised, can cope with longer passages (as can Wilde and Orton but that's another story). Even Thw Waves is too long in that style, I ain't writing an equally long pisstake!

The corresponding passages in Part II are of course mirrors of these, deriving elements of what I hope is my own voice from a synthesis and adoption. But as the end shows it's all self-deluding ~ postmodernism tells us, everything is a rearranged quote from stuff we've heard or read. The book asks what's the point of originality, reality says it don't exist.

But mainly I did it cos it made me laff. Thanks very much for the comments ~ always good to know someone's struggled through some of it too.

The Waves is about how identity is achieved. Each sentence is as such a building block of identity. It’s made up of what Virginia Woolf called moments of being – or those instances in life in which we make memories. We become to a large extent what those around us make of us and yet at the same remain unknowable. We create each other and then vanish to each other. We are washed up on the shore for a moment and then carried back out to sea. The pattern is repeated over and over again.
One can dislike the alliteration and lyrical cadence of her prose style but few would deny that architecturally it’s a stunning piece of work.

Of course, what you’ve done is very funny – FOR A BIT. Then I found I was becoming more and more bewildered. Where on earth, I wondered, did he get the energy to persevere with a pastiche that would be hilarious as a party piece but would test anyone’s patience as a full length novel? It began to feel like a joke that had already lasted an hour and still showed no sign of reaching its punch line. I’m in awe of how much creative energy you put into this. If only, I kept thinking, he had put it to better use.

Yes but Best (who to my mind was better than Pele but I was in Manchester at the time) said, wisely, that most of his money went on women and booze ~ but that he just wasted the rest. Sounds about right.

But the parody and the comedy. Well, I am a comic writer. Pain and all that shit are best presented in a comic setting, partly because it can hit harder that way and mainly because the pain of life is a cosmic joke anyway. And a book about the futility of originality and the search for a personal voice could hardly do without parodies of the influence on that voice.

But it is a first novel. The never-to-be-written sequel ('Current's Turn' ~ which is all about the restoration of Love, my one true subject) was obviously going to contain intertextual references but far less parody, if any. Where FB is an attic comedy, this was to be a Restoration Comedy, restoring a house and a love, while mirroring many of the conventions of the model (as does FB).

There is no parody in Poonlop or Spayne after all, not as such. But I don't really like books that aren't comedy (I nearly said except Hardy, but he makes me laugh) so I sure won't write any.

If a publisher had ever agreed with your kind comments or my books ever crawled into the top authonomy hundred, I might start to believe that I have some of this skill, this potential. Then my pen would become a blur, my output prodigious and varied. Maybe some would have the power to move men's souls.

As it is I am flattered but far from convinced. Thank you.

We owe the grave many a day. I feel a bit like a Sunday league footballer commenting on George Best - note I didn't say Pele. But here we go...

It's brilliant. The book should be read and studied for many reasons, but I'm not going to 'witter' on about them. Instead, I want to talk about the obvious gift ( granted, the craft and technique and intelligence must stem from years of study) and what you're going to do with it. For me, you've completed your apprenticeship, and that may sound harsh but it's my honest opinion. I think if you look at Kirstin's comment below, she alludes to this too. So what now?

The quotidian shite we endure is eased by rare and transient moments of beauty, which have the potential to inspire and engender in us the belief that art's puissance can be permanent and pulchritudinous, and the truth is, that in your parody, your quest for a voice - without having Latin - you have hinted, or rather, evinced that you have the ability to manifest in us an overwhelming sense of 'something' that transends the everyday; like Best. But I fear, like Best, you will not reach your potential, and thus you will deprive the world of your tue gift. This saddens me.

Bin the comedy. Bin the Parody! Parody! The Bear, the tin, and the train have it in for me. Yes, it's clear by the 'the

End'

Your writing is at its best when you remove the mask and write about the hurt, the confusion, and the universality of love. You do it as well as the dead greats; better than the living fakes. Your observations on the human condition are compelling, insightful, and delivered with acuity like I've rarely witnessed. For me, you should write about love.

Pint please, barman.

Why will you waste it? Because you'll spend too much time arsing about on here. When Best was asked where it all went wrong, obviously he wasn't on Authonomy Fora, he was drinking champagne, perhaps in the 'Dorchester', with Miss World, and a ruck of cash on the bed. He had good reason to joke about his 'death' as a footballer. And not a tin of beans or a pork chop (in sight).

It's up to you. Could've been great, or, was great?

So there you go Mr Lowe. My shitty thoughts. T.S. said something about ignoring the comments of those who weren't great.

You should give yourself more credit -- this, to me, was like a narrative poem -- specific images illustrated with the least, but most perfect words.

oh, and I found an old back of shrooms at the botto of my freezer that must have been there for, like, a milleniums :-)

made them better, I think.

Jim

The Beholder.

Right, I am shelving this immediately.
I have only just come to the end of chapter 1, but I am already certain.
It is very funny (bottling the landlady), strangely depressing (the mental image of that wretched can of baked beans near the trains), and beautifully crafted (the unmindful, dung-smeared cow).
But, do you want to know what really did it for me?
I shall tell you anyway.
It was the amount of time that you spent dwelling on the banal fact that Heidi was going up the stairs.
I fucking loved that.

Magnificent.

This very original and very clever. I really love the rhythm in your prose. It is so nice to see something like this on here. there is a lot of fine writing on the site, commercial and genre fic mostly...but still really fine writing..I haven't read anything else like this though.

I'm not going to critique it, I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed it and that it's going on my shelf :)

Rachael
'Falling Through'

This is a find, a jewel among the genre gravel. So nice to see that someone else is doing adult fiction. I've already given it more than my usual cursory glance at the lead, and will shelve it for further enjoyment. Regards.

Didn't expect to like this. I looked out of curiosity. I write for children but your intelligence and talent shone through. You remind me of DH Lawrence- the obsessive details of life around you, the descriptions, the jerkiness- have you ever written poetry? You have the makings of a new age poet. Perhaps you should try it.
Best of luck anyway. This kind of work should be published. It represents for literature what surrealism did for art.
I shall continue to read...

Fardel's Bear...

Very literary and very risky, but it works for me, whether despite the obviously experimental nature or whether because of it.

Your MC strikes a chord which resonates, plus he's funny. I LOL frequently during your partial. I never got lost during the dialogue (reminds me of James Frey's dialogue in A Million Little Pieces.)

Most of all, I'd want to buy it. Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

Aha! I find in the synopsis that you have beat me to my request for the full text, just as you beat me to asking if you could write the exact book I feel like reading right now. Well played, for a corpse.

Love. It. Will you send it to me for my kindle? I want to read this in style.

Dai

I love your work and agree with Des that it should indeed be higher in the rankings. I'm shelving on the basis that I think you need encouragement. Though there are faults [obviously - as there are with all works] it's refreshing that an author puts so much effort and work into creating an original piece of work. I fear that the market for such a book is limited and that this is a hard sell - but is well worth pursuing. The problem is we do live in an age of dumbing down and literature isn't what it used to be. So the following suggestion may be something you want to reject outright or it might be something you welcome. I had to go back and reread certain sections to re: voice the paragraphs. That might be something you want, but I suspect flow is more important Therefore it might be worth working with different fonts for the different voices. - Or simply formatting the voices as if they were monologues in a play. Therefore differentiating the book within the book.

My only other quibble is that the characters are all too aware of themselves. I think it's fine for your alter-ego, after all it's what you do. But Wendy?

For I am demure and well brought up. - I know this is her "Motif" but it feels too aware. I think you can get the same effect by turning it into something that means she was well brought up. This is a shit example and you probably have it covered elsewhere but kind of: My father was a magistrate and my mother secretary of the local WI. [I told you it would be shit but hopefully you get what I mean]

Keep working my friend you are a talent.

Why is this book ranked 398? There seems no justice on this site.

How pleasurable it was to read something with such rhythm and syncopation, intelligence and colour. Time prevents me from reading more right now (but I'd like to return).

It would be much easier to read this on hard copy. I think I could probably sit and read it all day in that event.

Bravo! I'll put the can on the shelf.

DES

Why is this book ranked 398? There seems no justice on this site.

How pleasurable it was to read something with such rhythm and syncopation, intelligence and colour. Time prevents me from reading more right now (but I'd like to return).

It would be much easier to read this on hard copy. I think I could probably sit and read it all day in that event.

Bravo! I'll put the can on the shelf.

DES

Thank you for the very interesting but worrying crit. "In chapter one, when Wendy has the internal dialogue about the kitchen being cold, and trying a threesome" this rather concerns me. Heidi has an internal monologue on the toilet about the room being cold and having a threesome. As the author, and thus too close to the book, perhaps, I can't see how it can be read any other way but obviously it can. I shall have to give it some thought.

Be that as it may, both Heidi's toilet (stream of consciousness) passage (chunk 4) and the three voices in chunk 5 are parodies, of Joyce and Woolf respectively. So the style is bound to theirs. And I happen to like them that way ~ the style to parody is not a random choice. I feel the choppy consciousness, a little like Leopold Bloom's (where Joyce uses the stops to contrast with Stephen's more flowing and reasoned flow) does actually suit Heidi's. And the fact that there is a very similar voice to all six of Woolf's characters in The Waves suits here to show a certain sameness of worldview in my three main actors ~ in direct contrast to their rapidly diverging attitudes to the life into which Dai has dragged them. I hope the differing personalities develop in the mind of the reader as the book progresses, but to start from some apparent similarity, some remnant of a fellow-feeling, is important to me.

But I have to satisfy myself that Heidi is at least discernible enough on the loo, as Wendy would never admit to thinking any of those things. It should at least show from Wendy exclaiming Heidi's name 'in exasperation' who it is that is the naked wife and whom the demure flat-owner ~ and this is underlined by Wendy's thoughts in the last chunk of what authonomy labels as 'chapter one'. I shall have to think about it a bit more.

I've read through some of Fardel's Bear and think what you are doing here is quit amazing, but I fear what publishers are going to think. While reading I did find myself becoming confused with who was speaking, or the reason behind the writing style. A few suggestions.

In chapter one, when Wendy has the internal dialogue about the kitchen being cold, and trying a threesome you may want to add "..." after each period to show a continuation of thoughts rather than an abrupt ending to each individual idea since our brain is always going. At least mine is.

I was also thinking that to show the different personalities of Wendy, the L.G. and Heidi would be to have Heidi use traditional punctuation when she speaks. Just an idea.

Overall very new and inspirational. Kudos for trying something new. I did the same thing in my first book Writing in the Margins and it got me published so good luck.

Later days and shelved,
Kenny

Dai
The Joyce section is 'blindingly' brilliant. Have you tried the Mollyesque bit without punctuation? And what about, wine for the wild party, beans for the eating, bottles for the throwing.? And, it fell onto the sea which(that) lashed at the cliffs - The alliterative 't's' lash? Love the body parts, the Fluuusssccchhh, 'the tower' and so much more. Oh, and the tea lady, and the moo cow.
Shelved forever, on the first section alone.

Dai,
The beginning is creative, pulls you in with plap, plap, plap. The rhythm in your writing is great. Unique, fun, and interesting to read. What is Heidi's problem? She stands at the bottom of the stairs forever! Must say I like my nipples when they are hard too. Good call.
See you in print,
Charity

Hey Dai, I love Fardel's Bear! A work of pure genius! Shelved!
Cheers,
Heather, Friends & Pho

Man, I'm guessing you've read that book by Beckett where the old man sits in the train station and does nothing for the first 50 odd pages...he might've continued to do nothing for another 50 pages, I don't know, I stopped reading there...to me, it was a piece of shit. I think it was called Watt, but I'm not sure...

In this, you do a similar thing, but it's far from a piece of shit. I don't know why...Beckett's sentences were stretched out and had rhythm, but they were dull. Some of yours were the same, but you had some cracking lines that Beckett never managed...the apollo one...coupled with wooly romanticism....man, exactly how to make an Apollo line work....Apollo, woolly, romanticism....why do those words work for me? If you sub'd hopeless for woolly then the line wouldn't work...these are instincts, I guess...from somewhere inside it comes and you just know it's right.....ha, maybe it came to you from Beckett!

Also, I have no idea who heidi or wendy are.....who is dating the literary genius? I don't know, but i liked the listed change of perspective near the end....why is everyone naked though? Not that I mind....sex or the potential of sex makes me read on....

there were a couple of other lines I liked...Y'know, if i had come straight to this when i joined this place I would've been surprised at how it's written, but having seen your forum posts I knew that you could mix the gutter with the art. This is hard for a lot of writers, I think.

Btw, your plot of the first chapter seems to be guy throws can of beans, gf comes home, they talk a little, don't have sex, and another woman stands naked at the bottom of the stairs. Lovely. That's all I need, really. What I don't need is specious shit without any kind of plot, so....try not to do that in the next few chapters. Or try not to have done that, I suppose...

If this is autobio then - You love being this way, don't you? Just a guess...

I LOVE THIS!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! LOL. It's so classic! And to follow the rain. LOL. The scope is magnimous. Water, the stuff of life. Literary genius, the stuff of torment, the anguish to birth out life. Weather, water, the life of the planet. Humanity. And the water taps. Tap tapping. I salute you. Rachael (American Clique).