Shadowbook-The Chosen

Initial comments:

Chap 1
The opening chapter definitely dives into the grief & anger being felt. Two things bothered me here: 1) The use of "heart" with its accompanying brokenness & "shards". I believe it appeared 4 times. The "shards" analogy wore thin at the 2nd iteration. This detail is obvious through the narrative, so narowing it down to only one mention would tighten the text. 2) The chapter feels too long. I wish Kady's trip to the woods would have opened up some fresh version of her feelings. As it stands, she just rehashes the same feelings without anymore depth. There is an opportunity here--in her special place...

Chap 2
- Such potential to inject real action into the fight scene. As it stands, it is barely a fight scene at all. There is more thinking than action. Amp it up for the reader! Is this just a swift sparring session, or a pivotal fight?
- I'm not sure Hunter should realize "...filled with tears and a haunted emotion I couldn't comprehend in this form." If he can't comprehend it, he shouldn't. Does this suggestion make sense?
- "bravery" & "shivering" seem at odds with one another.
- I must have missed something. The form was lying on the ground, but then moments later she was 5' tall. but then she stands. The chronology seems confused a bit.

Chap 3
- Kady expresses that she was frightened at the encounter, yet, in Chapter 2 she seemed quite brave--approaching & speaking to the wolf...
- There are those "shards" again: 1, 2, 3 more times.
- "...muscles wound over his biceps and chest..." Biceps = muscles. Perhaps "muscles wound over his arms and chest..."?


I read through Chapter 3 & believe I have a good fell for your writing style. Thx for sharing your work with the Authonomy community. Hopefully, the comments above will help you hone the piece even further. I look forward to updates!

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/

Read the prologue, loved it. It's really well written. Can't wait to read more.
I've added it to my WL to come back to.

Take care

Luciana

Burning Angel

This is very strong writing. As I read this I feel as if it is ready to be published. Your writing draws the reader right in to the the world where your story takes place. I ussually just breeze through prologues, but yours is a must-read and very much worth it. I love the different fonts and creative use of punctuation and spacing. It does NOT retract from the story, it actually adds to it. Like..... poetic art! :o)
I hope you have a fantabulous week!
Blessings,
Laura A. Diaz
"Come What May"

Hi Katie, Strong writing and that's difficult when you were handling the sensitive subject of the suicide. It was convincing, bringing out the nuances of shock and grief. I also liked the prologue; that was very poignant besides bringing me into the story. At the end of the chapter about the funeral and suicide, I thought, and what about her mother? I think that you've brought that in subtly, as an undercurrent, since Kady might blame her. And then the mother of the Alpha group, the whole departure from her family, has a powerful feeling. This is dark and intriguing. Shelved - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Hi again Katie,

As promised, I’m finally here to look at your prologue and 1st 2 chapters. Sorry it took a few days, but I've been swamped lately. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Prologue: evocative and haunting descriptions at the start. I can really feel her confusion and pain.

I've a tiny suggestion here, though. I think, occasionally, you show your hand a little. eg "trying to clear my vision" implies the effort will fail and may diminish the tension a little. "seemed to whoosh and spin" implies things aren't quite what they "seem". I'd suggest being more direct in both cases. eg I think something like "I blinked, but I couldn't shake the strange, shaky quality..." and "Everything whooshed and spun" would work better. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm I wonder where she is and what happened to her. She's obviously outdoors. What's with all this strangeness and the shadows? Eerie brrrr. Then she sees him. Her father. From the tone of the description, it seems he's no longer around. Did he die, perhaps? I really feel her pain. You describe it in a v well and v raw way. Yes, I think he must be dead.

Her desperation as she chases him really comes through. Will she catch him? Whether she does or not, I don't know what she'll do. She seems on the verge of a breakdown. Poor Kady. :(

I've 1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Pain and agitation were making hiccupping sobs escape my parted lips..." is you telling the reader she’s in pain + agitated. It's a bit like lecturing them. You've already done a great job of showing us she's in pain and agitated, so I think you can safely cut back to just "Hiccuping sobs escaped my parted lips..." I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... Seems her chase is fruitless. No matter how hard she tries to catch him, she ends up back in the clearing. Either some supernatural force is at work or she's trapped in a dream. By the end of the chapter it's clear she's grieving for her father. She's suffering so much. I want to read on and see if she manages to overcome her crippling grief.

*I like your addition of this prologue. I think it provides a dramatic and wrenching start to your book, and gets us sympathising with Kady from the very 1st page. ;)

Chapter 1: Given what we read in the prologue, the 1st line in this chapter now has real added impact. We know at once he's dead+ the effect this has on her. I like the way you've described the small details of his appearance. I think this really brings home the unreality of the situation for Kady. I get the feeling she just can't believe this has happened, and she's still thinking of him as a living, breathing person on some level.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg in “...his hands rested lightly on his stomach..." the verb describes the action perfectly. "rested" implies the action is light/relaxed, so I think the adverb's not needed at all. I'd suggest simply “...his hands rested on his stomach...". I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down to just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on... I like the way you emphasise "coffin." You give the word so much weight. I imagine it echoing in her head. I'm not surprised she's unable to put the flowers in the coffin. As devastated as she is, I think that 1 action would make all this too real for her. It might be the thing that breaks her.

1 tiny nitpick here. I think your writing's v powerful and emotional because you really get us inside Kady's head. But "...the fact that my face had paled..." implies an external viewing on Kady. It may pull the reader out of her POV a little. Could you write something like "..the fact that my hands had shook as I gave her the flowers..." instead? That would keep the story in Kady's POV and still show how affected she is by the tragedy.

Reading on... Ah interesting development. It seems he left them a long time ago. I wonder why Kady's so devastated, in that case. Maybe it's all the missed opportunities she's regretting. Shock news. He killed himself. I blinked when I read that. Suddenly, this story's even darker and sadder. No wonder Kady's so devastated at his death.

No wonder Kady takes the 1st chance to escape the room either. She seems almost disconnected from her own body at this point. Good descriptions of her brothers. I can really picture them. Eventually, Kady's sadness seems to translate into anger. Grief does strange things to our emotions, doesn't it?

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “...dusk began to settle around us...” I think “...dusk settled around us...” would work better.

Reading on... Ah Kady's about to start high school. I didn't realise she was so young. No wonder her father's death hit her so hard, especially given the manner of his passing. Ah then we get more details of the tangled family past. Divorce. remarriage and a whole new family for the father. That explains some of Kady's anger. I guess I can understand her hiding in the woods. By the end of the chapter, I really pity Kady. She seems broken in spirit. :(

Chapter 2: Interesting shift. Looks like Kady's now in a gym or some sort of training facility. And what's all this about the pack and clan? Archaic terms. I'm curious what Kady's involved in. Looks like she's gunning to be the new alpha. Ah and lupine warrior's a v interesting term. Looks like we're now in the realms of the supernatural. Is there a werewolf connection, I wonder? ;)

Great fight between her and Matt. v exciting. I wanted to cheer her on. Hmm sounds like she's a lot more than she once was now. She seems more than human ;). Pretty decisive win in her fight. I winced for Matt.

I've a tiny suggestion on dialogue. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in "Forgive me, Alpha," I said softly, falling into step..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "Forgive me, Alpha." I fell into step...” would work fine and use fewer words. ;)

Reading on... Dramatic dialogue between her and the alpha. Plenty of tension simmering away beneath the surface. I was surprised when I read she didn't want the pack to be her whole life anymore. She's plainly got a gift for this and I thought she had ambitions. The alpha's either no listening or not understanding, though.

Mother? I blinked when I read that. Is the alpha her actual mother or is that just a formal way of addressing her superior? Maybe this whole werewolfy thing runs in the family. Interesting. Looks like Kady really wants to get away, though, especially when the subject of a mate's brought up. I can't blame her. Looks like she's trapped, though. This lot will be able to hunt her anywhere. :(

I loved the transformation sequence. I could really picture that bit. V graphic and vivid. I can't even imagine how much that would hurt! Looks like the physical change brings mental changes with it too. Human concerns fall away to be replaced by wildness and freedom. I guess those things are buried deep in all of us ;).

Uh oh things don't look good for the girl she finds in the woods. Is she about to become lunch? I was amazed the girl didn't run. She must be really brave. I almost laughed when she treated the transformed Kady as if she were a dog to be petted. Lucky escape for the girl at the end of the chapter when Kady's pack call her away . Phew.

I just noticed how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I like what I’ve read here. I think you really convey the staggering emotional impact of Kady’s dad’s suicide. I did feel v sorry for her and sympathised with her suffering. I think your new prologue’s a powerful opening. I also liked the change in tone and pace upon getting to chapter 2. I think it really sped up the story. Good stuff.

I've rated your book with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work, and hope you manage to get published. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Dear Katie,
You are a gifted writer.
The prologue has a poetic and dreamy quality, and i'm glad you added it. The first chapter is so Human and the second so Twilight "ish", that when i first read the book i missed the connection until i got to chapter three. The prologue wraps everything up very nicely.
A couple of things jumped up at me, and you may or may not consider revising.
In the Prologue:
But the pain that I felt in that moment…
But the pain I felt at that moment…
Chapter one:
Again I felt the deep sadness, and the olfactory descriptions in the funeral parlor were very, very real.
“Placed the flowers beside my Dad.”
The emotion in this sentence is so profound, it’s understanding why the “D” was capitalized, however, dad is not a proper noun in this sentence, so lower case is good.
I'm going to keep "Shadowbook" on my to read list, as i'd love to know what develops.
Starred, and will gladly back when shelf allows.
Maria
"Dark of the Moon"

What a great first three chapters. It is very intriguing, capturing my attention. Such sorrow expressed with her fathers passing, you were able to lay your emotions down for others to feel.

I am interested to see what develops with Hunter in your story. The chemistry is there.

Your writing is smooth and flows well. You've got a wonderful novel here.

Backing because it deserves it.

Lisa / Cheyenne - A Timeless Series Novel, Book One

Hi Katie! I read over the first two chapters and found myself interested by the plot, but with several issues. You have a good premise on your hands, but I felt that it wasn't drawing me in the way I had hoped, and you also bogged it down with description that wasn't needed and clunky word usage. Chapter one was good as far as grammar goes, but in chapter two you need to watch out for punctuation. Stuff like - "I am." I told my mother. "She's going." She told me.

I think another issue is that I really felt like this plot has been done before. You really need to work to make it your own and differentiate it more from the multitude of YA paranormal fiction that has come out on the market in the past few years if you are going to make this your own. I think that might be your problem - being able to clearly define this as your work in a sea of novels that have very similar plots. Yeah, a lot of people (myself included) like this kind of thing, but after awhile it does get repetitive.

Being overly descriptive for YA is not really needed, so I would definitely suggest going through this with a heavy editing hand and cutting it down. The first chapter is good, a little wordy but good. The second chapter, though, is where you have a few issues. I don't have enough time at this point to read past there, but when you edit, keep grammar and that sort of thing in mind.

Good luck!!

-Megan Ayscue (Light)

You have such a poetic quality to your writing. This could almost be a prose poetry story for this entire book. I feel bad for Kady. You really do capture her thoughts in her head with such poetic manner. You have a strong hook to lead the reader deeper into what happens next. You did a good job.

Hi Katie,

I just popped over to leave my thoughts on your book. I try to be honest and offer helpful feedback, so pls don't be offended by any suggestions. At the end of the day, they'll only be the thoughts of 1 person + you can ignore them if you think I'm a moron. :)

1 Try not to tell information such as "morbidity was slowly beginning to take over." especially for a YA audeince. I think such overdescriptive phrases really jar. Instead, can you just give us the character's thoughts/feelings?

2 Actually, I think there are quite a few more instances where you tell the readers about thoughts/feelings that would be much better shown. eg "It hurt to think it" / "I hated the idea of never hearing his voice again." could be easily replaced by something from the character's POV such as "The word twisted a needle in my heart" / "I'd never hear his voice again, never see him smile...(= the character's thougths direct)"

3 Beware of disembodied body parts eg "...turned my eyes..." Such examples sounds as if the body parts have lives of their own. Here, I'd suggest just "I looked down... , and then at my father..."

4 I mean no offence, as I understand the depth of feeling the beginning of your book comes from, but I feel the understandably sad scene with the father who has passed away is drawn out for too long. As a result, the impact of the scene is diminished and the pace of your beginning is a little slow. Is there any way you could cut a bit?

5 Try not to overdescribe. eg in "Can I have a moment?" Uncle Jake asked abruptly, his voice thick with an emotion he was trying to hide." we don't need to be told he's asking abruptly since his words come out of nowhere. + we can figure out why his words are thick. Something like "Can I have a moment?" Uncle Jake said, voice hoarse." would do the same job better and in fewer words.

OK I will stop the nitpicking here. I don't want to discourage. I think you've written a heartfelt and tragic story. The feeling really comes across. My main problem is with occasional telling and overdescription, but such things are easily fixed.

I do hope you continue to work on this, and wish you the best of luck getting published. :)

Pete x

I've only read the first part and I can say I can feek how she feels. I can feel her emotions. Her sadness, pain, anger. Nicely done, and I will 6* it and back it.

Katie,
I can feel a deep undercurrent of passion in "Shadowbrook - The Chosen." The prose and dialogue reveal what simmers beneath the surface as I follow Kady around with a gritty determination to face all challenges and never back down. Driven by the pain of personal tragedy, she holds herself up like a martyr unafraid of death and any efforts to take away her self-esteem. Thank you for this glimpse into your/her soul.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean.

You need to open with your conflict, or at least a tiny little bit of conflict. Something which has a possible alternate outcome. The opening is the main character being emotional about her fathers death. It can be rather irrelevant to a reader picking this up as they're wanting to get to know the person so that they have the capacity to care about the situation. 'Someone somewhere cares a lot about something' isn't enough. There are points where you hint at the situation, and an understating here could really bring out the power of the situation, as this meditation on it only over-saturates it. Find the conflict, the character and bring them out.

(Dead. Lost. Gone.)
The purpose of this is unclear.

(It wasn’t hard to believe; his)
Reword without the semi-colon here. It reads like a speed bump.

(His chin was … they had lied.)
I like the description but think you should open with a little conflict.

(Morbidity was slowly beginning to take over, filling me in an overwhelming rush; I wanted to reach in there with him and fold down the white neck of his shirt, to see the bruising he had caused himself, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t put my hand in his coffin.)
Rephrase this without the semi-colon and without explicitly stating 'morbidity.' Imply from the conveyed idea a feeling of morbidity without telling the reader.

(Coffin. The word echoed in my mind, starkly brilliant against the pain.)
This line doesn't work.

(It hurt to think it and the tears streaked down my face as I closed my eyes against the truth.)
This line doesn't either. The 'against the' ------ emotion is problematic. Cut the explicit stating of the characters feelings, and go for the character traits that reveal said feelings.

(It couldn’t be real. He couldn’t be gone. I hated the idea of never hearing his voice again, of never seeing him smile, of us never being the family I had always dreamed, because he was dead and forever out of my reach.)
At this point this is frustrating for the reader. First because the relationship to the diseased is unknown, and second because of the reaction, the reader doesn't so much want to know. There is an elimination of the outside world until a self-involved person is relating a death to themselves and how they feel. If you want to make the character despicable, which can also be great for fiction, keep it. This is just the impression without yet knowing the intention.

(“Kady,” My mother’s cracked voice broke into my thoughts and I turned to meet her eyes.)
Broke into my thoughts doesn't work as there really weren't any 'thoughts.' The character seems fairly attuned to the situation at that point, other than the self centrism.

(the sad blue of death)
Don't use this. This is lame. I'm saying that because something like this should not pass your own critique of your work. Cut these cliches and throw them in a fire pit and never speak of them again.

(turned my eyes back to my father, lying there)
A little late for this. This may help earlier on.

(And suddenly, it didn’t matter that these would be the last things I ever gave to my dad, it didn’t matter that the thorns were burying themselves in the soft flesh of my palms, there was no way I could stick my hand in that coffin with him.)
The lack of conflict is infuriating here. You don't want to open with the masturbatory neediness of a self-centered character unless those actions accomplish something.

(She didn’t look … his hand lovingly.)
This is dishonest from the perspective of first person. How does the character know her face is paled?

(I felt the tears welling beneath my eyelids again and my heart thudded painfully, as if letting me know it was still there.)
This doesn't work. It is too much of an explicit stating mashed with a cliché.

(How could she still … good enough?)
Open close to this paragraph. This contextualizes the situation far better than the whining does.

(I had no answers and the sharp shards of my heart dug into my chest.)
The heart has committed numerous actions at this point and all of them are cliches. The heart needs to fuck off while the people speak.

(It hurt to breathe.
It hurt to live.)
Solid lines, throw them in near the beginning with the contextualizing paragraph.

(with my whole heart)
Fuck you 'heart' bother someone else.

(Because he had killed himself.)
This comes entirely too late. Open with some conflict. Here it is.

(my eyes against the pain.)
Another 'against' the said emotion.

(It hurt so much...the dad we deserved?)
This is a character whining. Find the conflict, or at least an evolving situation and use it. This scene is overstating for a character that thus far has no personality or drive.

Katie, I liked the change in perspective between characters so we could hear both Kady's and Hunter's thoughts and opinions. Kady describes the wolf as 6 feet and Hunter describes himself and 8 feet- could be just a difference in perspective between Mc's, it caught my attention but isn't a big deal . Hunter's perspective seems to have good pace, however Kady ruminating regarding her choices and grief can get repetitious, which is accurate for grieving, but also slowing things down some.Chapter 4- Umbra was not explained. It takes a while for the story to show what they are, so initially I was confused. Also the Veil is also confusing, while "the chosen" and "the book" the reader can guess at. A few minor typos: Chapter 5- "He wants to put as much space between us as he can, which is foolish, but (it?) make(s?) him feel better and so I don't acknowledge it." Chapter 15- "I swear ,y (my?) service to you." Chapter 16- "I didn't say anything, didn't try to get her to say (stay?), just watched as she left." Hope this is helpful. Desi.

chapter 1: great tone, setting the mood.
however one line doesn't sound like a 12/13 year old:
adolescence. But not it felt inconsequential.

Note:the child of a suicide is something like 10 times more like to commit suicide themselves

chapter 2:
Vase Line unclear
Isn't alpha usually male? discuss?

reminds me of a mixture between Twilight and Andre Norton's Year of the Unicorn

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

chapter 1: great tone, setting the mood.
however one line doesn't sound like a 12/13 year old:
adolescence. But not it felt inconsequential.

Note:the child of a suicide is something like 10 times more like to commit suicide themselves

chapter 2:
Vase Line unclear
Isn't alpha usually male? discuss?

reminds me of a mixture between Twilight and Andre Norton's Year of the Unicorn

Scott Rhine (Foundation for the Lost)

This sounds interesting. Adding it to my watchlist. When you get a moment, please check out Sing a New Song THANKS

Hi Katie. I read the opening chapter of Shadowbrook – The Chosen, and was very impressed with the depth of emotion you put into it. I felt the MC’s pain and her confusion, loss and hatred of what had happened. I think this book holds a lot of promise and for that reason am more than happy to back it. I’ve outlined some thoughts, which I hope prove useful.

Pitch. A good outline of the story to come, allowing the reader an insight into the MC’s circumstances.

Morbidity was slowly beginning to take over, filling me…I assume the morbidity refers to the coffin’s occupant, but this sounds as if it’s filling the narrator. Perhaps insert something like: …slowly beginning to take over, the sight of it filling me…
The word echoed in my mind, starkly brilliant against the pain. This is wonderful, so evocative. I felt the narrator’s agony of loss.
How could she still love him…who had made it clear that we weren’t good enough? The depth of emotion with which you’ve imbued your MC is haunting. I felt myself inside her head, feeling what she’s feeling: anguish, hatred, loss, they’re all beautifully illustrated.
Syntax: …and (had) held out (this) irrational hope… But he never (had) and now he never could. The bracketed words, for me, marred the flow of this otherwise excellent piece of narrative. “Had” is a tricky word, once you start using it, it seems to repeat itself. Suggest rejigging along the lines: and held this irrational hope… But he never did and now he never could.
Typo? I swallow my sob(s).
Syntax: I ached to see the pain my dad had caused… This didn’t quite work for me, perhaps: It made me ache to see the pain my dad had caused…
Repetition: Beside him stood Ryder with his hazel (eyes) turned to me and dirty blond(e) hair flopping into his (eyes.) To avoid the repetition, maybe restructure along the lines of: Beside him stood Ryder. He brushed aside his dirty blond hair, his hazel eyes turned on me. Blonde with an e is feminine, blond without is masculine.
*Dad had destroyed us… A dark part of me would always hate him for that.* (I thought about Dad and how he had hurt my brothers, my (M)um and me… ) Is the last paragraph necessary? *It seems to be repeating what’s already been said and mum in this context should have a lower case m.
Use of the word “had”. …the place I (had) hidden when Dad and Mum (had) finalized their divorce, the place I (had) went when my father (had) remarried…and the only place I (had) felt safe when Uncle Jake (had) called and Mum (had) told us the truth. It’s not always necessary to use this word to indicate past events; e.g.: …the place I hid when Dad and Mum finalized their divorce, the place I went when my father remarried… and the only place I felt safe when Uncle Jake called and Mum told us the truth.

Darkly Poetic....I like this a lot Katie. I love the way you weave in the little nuggets like "Sharp shards of my heart..." It just rattled me. I felt evry beat of heart and the tension she felt inside. Backed!!

Cheers,
Dwayne

I only got to read a little, but I really liked it! It was well written, and I think it's got a great plot. I'll make sure to read more when I can!
~Brooke

Hi Katie, Have read two chapters. The writing is very strong and holds the readers attention well. The contrast between the first and second chapters threw me a bit to start with but I soon got caught up in the story again. I will keep it on my watch list and return when I have more time. Have you had a look at When the Earth Moved yet? all the best Sandy

Katie, This is poigent and touching. Well written. I see very few issues with mechanics. It is obvious from the tenderness you've portrayed that this comes from the heart.
Beautiful.
Raechel
Echo

Katie,

Wow, the end really threw me off, but it made an absolutely wonderful piece to the story. Is there going to be a part two? I can't wait if there is! Aw, that was heartwrenching from beginning to end. I could not put it down! Good job on it and well done with switching the two voices. They worked beautifully. Best wishes.

Millicent
The Glass Serpent

Shadowbook

The alternating first person is made to work well here, it makes the text immersive and engaging whilst allowing narrative complexity.

Characterisation is handled well as the narrative progresses, much of it through the actions of the characters.

I prefer pacing which is not too frenetic, so this works well for me. It seems to have more zip than Twilight and less than Hush Hush.

I like the focus on scent; it seems particularly well suited to a book with weres. Perhaps you could describe the scents or mention cognates. Oh, and throw in a few more in passing, leaf-mould, fresh lemon, mown grass, cinnamon, fresh-baked bread, musk, cloves, fresh-cut lumber--whatever it might be, to hook the memory of the reader into the story.

Backstory is handled well.

Hmmm. If Twilight sold, I can't see any reason why this should not find a market. It isn't quite for me, but then neither was Twilight, although I read the whole of the first book.

Apparently people get confused by long sentences, so it might be a good idea to go through and eradicate a few commas, replacing them with there more punctual siblings.

Victorian was mid 19th century on to early 20th, the houses are described as Victorian, but then called 17th century.

Ethologists have called the boss wolf the 'Alpha' male or female since maybe the middle of last century, I would have thought that a clan of weres would have their own terminology that would predate this by centuries.

I don't have an awful lot of notes, but here are some points that came up as I read.

Chapter 1:

There is too large a gap after the quotation, it looked as though that was all there was and I nearly went straight to chapter 2.

A strong first chapter, I wondered if it might start more strongly with the question:

"Kady . . ."

I wasn't sure about the use of morbidity, possibly because of the medical meaning, it seemed slightly wrong in this context.

I needed solace and to do that . . . Solace is not something you do. I needed solace and for that . . .

the place I had went - perhaps - the place I had gone?

Chapter 2:

A good introduction of the 'other', not laboured, not too obvious, using a conflict situation seems a good idea. Again, backstory is handled well, mostly implicit.

. . . and this time I was able to dodge his attack (you don't need 'next'). Fight scenes should be as terse, as physically evocative and as accurate as possible, pare away any words you don't need to keep up the pace. It might be worth reading a couple of fight scenes by people who write them well, to see how they get the effect of combat into the readers head. The blows blocked are not 'devastating', or he wouldn't be able to block them, he would be devastated.

But even still I wrestled with what we were. even so / still, rather than even still?

Chapter 3:

chatting over (the) top of each other as they greeted me . . .

that warmth had been addicting (addictive?) addicting is very US specific.

Chapter 4:

Nice build of uncertainty and incipient threat.

Good reveal of Kady being a Mortis.

Chapter 5:

cowering in (?) the little stool he perches on

He was watching me (semicolon or long dash?) that much I could tell

Chapter 6:

Another good chapter, building the threat and the atmosphere nicely, broadening the interrelationships of the characters and adding some depth.

Chapter 7:

there weren't many places where people could just hangout (hang out)

Chapter 8:

to tell her that I didn't want to be an immor(t)al

Chapter 10:

mouthful of canines sounded wrong, there are a pair in each jaw.

Chapter 11.

I'm not sure about using Clan for American Nations, I personally don't think it is correct. The details in this chapter feel very anachronistic, I appreciate that this is a fantasy world, but if things differ, I personally like to feel that there is a reason. If you weren't calling these people Cree and Iroquois I wouldn't quibble, if you are, then I feel they ought to be enough like the Cree and the Iroquois that I don't feel a dislocation. A bound book would put these people culturally in a European sphere: wampum / quipu, birchbark, whatever, and you have something old and native American. You could sneak the Vikings in, with bound books, from about the 10th century (Eirik the Red, Vinland, all that). They would not be Cree or Iroquois though. Also the names of Nations has changed somewhat over time . . .

There seems to be a lack of continuity in Sandra's attitude towards Hunter. Early on it seems as though she has just noticed him, later on it seems as though she has had him in her sights forever.

Wow, I could feel Kady's pain in the first chapter. I think both of your characters are well developed and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one writing two characters in the first person. I rate this six stars.
-Charmain

I found the first chapter a bit long and somewhat repetitive. The pace picked up from the second chapter on though. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

Ok, round two. :)

I reread chapter one and then read up through twelve. I would've kept going, but its pretty late and I need to be getting to bed. That said, if I didn't have to be up for work tomorrow, I would be finishing this one tonight.

Chapter one, like I've said before, was good. The metaphor of her broken heart(the shards) is used a little too often though. Mix it up a little. Find different ways to say it, ok? Pull out that thesaurus and surprise us. :)

The mood was good. I thought it needed more punch last time, and it does. Not in the way it sounds, though. Its just that your word choice is a little awkward sometimes and your sentences are a bit long. Having someone with an english degree look over your work might help.

Chapter two was definetly interesting. I found myself wondering where Hunter's dad was right off the bat. A female alpha is unusual, and the little hints dropped are good. You roused my curiousity for sure. The alpha seems a little cold at first, although it's explained later(burden of leadership, etc.). Nice character development there.

Hunter's "voice" kind of blends into Kady's in this chapter. I'm not sure why, but it does. Kady's "voice" is nice and strong in her chapters. I could probably flip through your book and know when she's talking without too much trouble, but Hunter's "voice" doesn't begin to stand out for a few chapters at least.

In chapter three the bit of forshadowing with the stranger in white is very good, but a little too wordy. Keep it brief and chilling. He's an obvious stranger and something isn't quite right about him. He scares her, but she doesn't know why. Subtle is best. :)

The same goes for Kady meeting Hunter for the first time. Its really wordy, almost overwhelming. Also, look out for "purple prose". You don't really have it in more then a phrase here or there, but it's enough to break the flow of the story. So keep an eye out for it, ok? It has its place but too much will have people rolling they're eyes and flipping ahead. We know they've got intense chemistry, but pick choose your words carefully and show, don't tell.

The ending to this chapter was perfect! I think I got chills....:)

The rest of the chapters I read are going to be lumped together because I ran out of room for notes. :)

Good story, overall. I'll be back to read the rest either monday or tuesday for sure. The further I went, the more interesting things got and the more I wanted to read. The writting is rough, but good and the characters are developing nicely. I'd have a guy friend to read it over to check Hunter's reactions and such if I were you. My husband does the same for me and has pointed out several things that "a guy just wouldn't do" in my own book. But seriously, this is good stuff.

Rated and Backed with pleasure :)

~Sun and Moon

~Shaliken

Kady and Hunter are two charcters that I can really connect with. You described her pain and sadness so well that it actually felt real. I felt like I was there and also feeling it. This is the type of connection I look for in a book. It allows people to get involved and engrossed in the world the author has created so well done.
I wirte in the thrid person the majority of the time so writing from a boys perspective seems strange but you have done it so well.

I will say however on a criticism note that some of your sentences were too long. I had many people asking me to shorten some of my own and at first I didn't understand what was wrong with them. Now I can understand why they pointed it out. They just seem too chunky. Just take some time to shorten them. Even splitting the same sentence into two would do it.
Also although you have written everything so well which is why it is hard to criticise, I couldn't help feeling the whole "we get the point" sort of feeling. Her father is dead, yes we know, he left her, yes we know, he did something bad that hurt everyone, must you tell us again. You seem to be repeating yourself but just using different ways to phrase it. For me it works and I like it because there is so much emotion wrapped up in death. You have captured the exact feelings that come along with it and the thought process that everyone goes through. We do repeat everything over and over. but other people might get bored or annoyed with the constant repeating.
Maybe you could focus on the room, explain how the room looks, maybe some of the people that were there etc.

All in all, I think you have created an interesting storyline with brilliant characters. Just take into consideration the two points I have mentioned. I would really wish to see this go far.

Rated and backed with pleasure :)

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

I only had time to actually read chapter one and skim chapter two, but it's not bad. Chapter one did have a few awkward sentences(sorry, I forgot to write them down), and it could've used a little more punch, but it was a good start. You caught my attention and got me to keep reading, which is always a good thing.

Chapter two was a little odd for me. Maybe because I've never written from a guy's perspective and hardly ever read from that point of view. I don't know. The world you showed was interesting and just different enough to make it real.

I'll be back to give your book a second look, but for now that's my impression. I hope its not too garbled. :)

~Sun and Moon

~Shaliken

I did enjoy chapter one although you had some very long sentances and I struggled to keep up. In the end I read it out loud and it made more sence. I think you need choppier sentances to push the point. Having said that I think you handled the fear, bewilderment, sadness and hate of those left behind after suicide. The wanting to pull back his popl collar to see if it was true but the fear of putting her hand into the coffin were well written, as were her thoughts that she didnt feel any better for seeing him. It was not the closure she had been promised. Chapter two was obviously very different and almost written in a completly diffent style. I wonder if its because you are more at home writing the fantasy aspect. I read to chapter four and followed Kady on her journey. I think this will appeal to your target audience. It isnt my genre but I still enjoyed your premise.
Amelia
A Date in the Diary

you asked.
IMO, writing needs a lot of polish to get rid of superfluous words. For exmaple, you use the word 'was/were' eleven times in the first paragraph.
It's also overwritten: there are a lot more words than necessary to tell what happens.
Look out for weasel words, such as:
- almost, a little, quite, etc
- sentence constructions like 'I realised that...', 'I heard what seemed to be...' and other similar verbiage
And nix the lot.
Cut it down to lean, efficient prose.

'We'll proctect the chosen and the book and destroy any umbra that try and take it from us' Not being to rude but why protect the chosen and the book. I do feel the start of chapter four needs more background information with regard the Umbra, the chosen and the book. Hunter's desire for war for no reason seems slightly out of character for a boy who only underwent the change a few years back. I enjoyed the first four chapters, you astounded me when Sandra turned out the be an immortal, and there were more shocks to come. With character names like Hunter and Finn I can see a good story building, but my advice would be to reduce Kadys grief somewhat, and use the opening chapters for a tad more background information on the chosen the book and the Umbra. ( Getting the balance right is always tricky)

Other than the description ' the wind whistling thurough the leaves' which must have been used a thousand times, in a thousand books, your descriptions are original and accomplished. Especially the funeral parlour scenes, I was slightly concerned when you referred to it twice as only a 'room'. But then the descriptions really picked up with those sombre steps across the carpet. There is a drop off in pace when you bring in characters which I think you'd need to reallly tighten up. ( Handling dialogue and description and getting them both to gell is one of the hardest parts to writing, I sense an eagerness to bring in characters to create dialogue but it all must gell together with the surroundings. You've got good descriptions of hair and clothes, but there is no electricity, no fire, try to reproduce the character, refine it, let the descriptions reflect the person. My best advice is don't over complicate them, let the it flow naturally, that is Finn, he is Hunter. We don't need be told Sandra is Kadys best friend, or that she is radiant, gorgeous. Just let it gell naturally as they talk and flirt with each other.

I hope this helps.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility.

Hi Katie
This isn't my usual genre but I'm glad that you invited me to read. I thought that your first chapter was incredibly sad but beautifully crafted. Loved the way that you took your time to show Kady's emotions and how she felt anger as well as grief. I think that's true of most people who experience bereavement and not just through suicide. Chapter two had me sitting up and taking notice, because I say, not my usual genre and I was a little confused by this boy/creature who lived in a regular house. I 'm getting it now though and it's refreshing to read something different. Well done Katie and the very best of luck with this. starred for now.
Babs

Hi Katie. Read Chapter 1. I'm "Old" Bob, so I don't read a lot of YA material. I think you have the start of a good story. For my taste, I think if you used more dialogue early on you would be better able to define your characters by bringing us more into the story. It would make it more powerful and make it move quicker.

Right now, I think what you've done is the right thing - get your story down on paper. You can get a lot of help on this site, but it will take forever. Finding a local critique group or taking a creative writing class at a JC will help you also.

I think you've made a good start and accomplished a great deal by already completing your first novel. Good luck with your book.

If you have a chance, I'd appreciate you taking a look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and giving me your first impression.

Thanks.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

I read chapter 1 to my daughter, and she thought it was good. She found it sad, but still wanted to read onto chapter 2, which shows that she liked what you'd written. For me, I thought this was well-written, Kady's heartbreak clearly displayed through both her actions (unable to place the flowers into her father's coffin) and her thoughts. Her grief was nicely coupled with her anger over her father having committed suicide, hanging himself from a tree. I also thought the three brothers were well described, their slight differences making them distinct, some resemblances (more so with the middle one) to Kady's dad.

Well done. All the best - Marita.

Shadowbook-The Chosen.
Chapter 1 - Liked the quote at the beginning.
A good start with the opening sentence, piques curiosity.
'When I hated him for choosing this over us.' Well observed, realistic emotion that subtly lets the reader know what Kady's father has done. Perhaps cut 'because he had killed himself' - the reader already know this and the bluntness of the statement somehow, for me, lessened the earlier subtly. Emotion oscillating between hatred, love and overwhelming disappoint are nicely done but I feel the hurt Kady feels, the way her heart is shattered is mentioned too much so that it verges on repetition.
Chapter 2 - Hunter's emotions and doubts, his relationship with his mother together with responsibilities he is expected to take up and shoulder are all expressed well. Liked the description of Hunter changing from one form to another because it wasn't sensationalised but seemed matter of fact, which it would be for him. His meeting with Kady in the forest, allowing some human feeling to remain whilst heavily in the throes of lupine blood lust, was a nice touch.
The writing is fluid, some very good descriptions, pace doesn't charge but strides confidently and the personality of both characters, prominent in the two chapters read, are developing well. Very clear the author knows exactly where her story is going and has a firm grasp on it.

Nanty - Chrys!

A nice beginning, but lacking a building of the tension for me. The first sentence and paragraph are nice. He could be in hospital, but is he? Wearing a turtleneck, probably not. But, to build the tension further, those one-line inserts could be broken. Broken thoughts ending in broken hearts, with maybe the odd broken sob. These, as with the loss of mentioning that it's a funeral, leave it as the first paragraph alusion, could then come to a head with Mum's admission of what happened. That way, although I've only read the first chapter - dinner time and pressing issues, I'll get back to it in the morning - the rest of the book, with the line "'That' had been the worst kind of torture", launches from there. Just a small thing. For me, the fusion of the knowledge of the funeral with the tension evident from the rightful detachment of your characters, just makes it muddled for me.

A nice beginning, and I will gladly keep reading. It's only my opinon. Discount or do with as you will. As you are as freely encouraged to assess me.

I will keep reading, don't doubt that. A greater assessment I will give you then.

PJ Wilfred
A Trucker's Tale

Dear Katie:

I was finally able to get some free time so I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the icy cold narrative...thank good the heating works in my apt.......lol
There is a mix of moment by moment perception, proper of the YA crowd with a journalistic style proper of the Thriller crowd

A nice Cesar's salad, I must say

The descriptions have finesse:

"he was lanky but not tall...

"at the red and orange light"

this matters because it sets atmosphere. If you use finesse, as you are, it is felt rather than read

I also like the ebbs and flows of the main character's emotional map; there is iron, there is silk, there is softness, all drawn with the right mix of austerity and generosity. It is also done at the right time for you are telling the reader:

this is the car you would be driving throughout this novel....are you comfortable?

indeed, I am

some of my favorites:

"sad blue of death"

"though it was barely a whisper"

"the smell haunted me"

'their gift was taxing on their minds"

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"Cofin. Because he was dead"
I would change it to:
"He was dead" Icy cold....
same here:
"He killed himself" nothing else.....icy cold.
That way the shock of the event reverberates in the reader's mind

I would also cut a bit on the modifiers:
"tortured thoughts" "watery eyes" "wonderfully accurate" "soft flesh" "shattered heart"
Here is the reason: if you are going to narrate with a journalistic style, then the modifiers "un-flatten" the narrative. They do that by doing what modifiers do: add color. If you want to create the chill that is to witness the death of a loved one...the mental shock....then save on the modifiers.

for, death takes the color away from all of us.....lol

I would also use body language rather than explanation:
"I wish I could tell him....."
instead do it like you do it here:
"his cheeks were ruddy from crying....

or here:
"the hatred boiling inside of me"
instead:
"the mass boiling inside of me"
why?
If you don't name the emotion and just use body language, then the emotion is evoked on the reader's mind
if you name it, what rings a bell is the word and not the emotion

Hope it helps,

Overall wonderful, 6 stars, that way you can get in the weekly list and attract traffic

david

You write with such expression, almost poetic but not overdone at all. I like the way the POV changes are arranged. This gives me, the reader something to look forward to. I will update you with my thoughts after I get through a few chapters, but all in all this is a great read. If I were to comment on one thing it would be the occassional typo I came across. It wouldn't hurt to run a spell and grammar check through your work of fiction, a these tedious little errors do slow the read down a bit.

Cheers MS

Really interesting, the changing pov. First the girl, then the wolf creature, that I'm still trying to work out. Changeling wolf. I also got confused by living in an old Victorian house, if this is fantasy, but it's very unusual, even if I am having to think a bit about what is going on and whether these are real, everyday sort of people, or what. I'm getting used to the world now though, and no doubt will be more so when I read a bit more tomorrow. I've finished up to chapter four, and must go to bed now.
Cariad
STONES.

Excellent start! And I don't say that to everyone.

I didn't read beyond the first chapter yet, but I will be back.

Only thing I'd caution about is using too many cliches in your pitch. Short pitch is good, but things like 'everything has changed' tends to be called a cliche. They said the same thing here about mine too. lol

I wish you well with this, and honestly think you have real talent.

Dear Katie,
This is a very sombre and sad opening to your story. You have a strong writing style and have evoked the funeral scene and the emotions of your main character nicely. This has set the scene for the rest of your story, so that the reader feels compelled to read further and find out more about this character.
If I had any editing comment to make it would be to perhaps shorten the length of some of your sentences, to create a smoother flow to the narrative. I am no editor but I have read enough to know that most editors tend to say that 'less is more' and they generally like the prose to be shorter sentences. Just a suggestion, next time your editing. I've included an example from chapter one, if your interested. I have star rated and will add you to my watchlist. I usually only comment on material I like, and intend to read more of, and I will definitely come back to yours. Cheers Jacoba.

My sanctuary lied deep in the woods. The tiny clearing beneath the century old oak tree was the place I chose to hide when Dad and Mum had finally divorced. It was the place I went when my father remarried and adopted her children. It was the only place I felt safe, and the only place I wanted to be when Uncle Jake had called Mum, to tell us the awful truth. ( used a bit of poetic license to describe the place, I'm sure you could do much better.)

Hey...

Your narrative is a very emotional one and you deal with the subject matter or death in a very delicate way. I really like the way you open with such a hard hitting scene. I'm yet to read past the first chapter but what I have done I've really enjoyed. I will come back to it but for now I thought I'd just leave you a quick comment and rating, and wish you all the best of luck. People keep telling me that I'm young but I would've killed to have the sort confidence you have at your age.

Congratulations on some fine writing, Leigh.

I must echo Walden...you have a very strong narrative voice. Sometimes writings don't quite convey the depth of the pain that characters are experiencing and you really nail it. I'll read more when I get the chance, but this is very good!

Katie,
You have such a strong narrative voice in Shadowbook-The Chosen. The reader has a strong sense of Kady Halloway's thoughts and feelings. Your have great talent for writing compelling fiction. I love the romance and suspense woven into the narrative and rated Shadowbook-The Chosen with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This is a wonderful story, you've got two strong main characters that I instantly felt I could invest myself in as a reader. Kady has been stricken emotionally and you do a good job of being inside of her head in the first chapter, it's a nicely done first person narrative. So is Hunters. You give them two distinct voices. I honestly didn't find anything in the way of errors, grammar wise, my problem is I always get involved and forget to look. I believe this book deserves recognition. The story is modern and I believe would sell in this market. That's important. I hope you upload more chapters eventually, I'd love to see how this developed and what you have in store for Kady and Hunter!

Starred and to be shelved in the next couple days!
Missy

Hi,
I loved this and would like to see where the story goes. I found quite a few similarities to my book (perhaps that's why I liked it so much) but I bow down to your writing skills. I think you could give me a few lessons. This is the first book I've come across in weeks worthy of backing, so on my shelf you go.
Good luck.
Raquel.