SpinTrap

Another message from me, the Author of this work-in-progress.

If you're looking to do some crit, please consider starting your read from Ch51, as the first 3 chapters have been critted to death and are now pretty settled. Ch51 is the start of the MCs adventures in a completely different world, where he remembers nothing of what has gone before, so (hopefully) you won't need to know what's been going on in the previous 50 chapters.

A message from me, the Author of this Tome.

Please do not shelve this book unless you truly feel that it is one of the best books currently on Authonomy, and is already of publishable standard.

Book Cover Critique

I must agree with your comment. The photo is odd and disturbing for some readers, though this is not always a negative thing. There have been many covers I have seen with scary and disturbing images such as Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk (great book by the way). Sometimes the disturbing covers provide a good way to catch the reader's curious eyes. Unfortunately these techniques are mostly seen on horror books or graphic comics.

Here are some idea suggestions for a possible cover: a black and white photo or drawing of an abandoned city with the silhouette of an old man walking along the street (theme of abandonment); a drawing of a skull or head (or MRI scan) with a person inside where the brain should be (to go along with your theme of being in another's mind)--- usually it is best to not use a photo of one's self; eyes are always make a good cover, you could play with that.

As for the title, I am liking the color of a pale yellow if used with a black and white image. The off-center title is always a nice design element. Careful with the author's name. Its placement is mostly seen at the bottom of the cover unless you are a well known author. The font applies a feeling that one is stretching reality and truth which I like (others may see this differently). Not sure what the title means since I have not read the book, but it is unique and has a mysterious element about it.

I hope this helps and best of luck

Another message from me, the Author of this work-in-progress.

If you're looking to do some crit, please consider starting your read from Ch51, as the first 3 chapters have been critted to death and are now pretty settled. Ch51 is the start of the MCs adventures in a completely different world, where he remembers nothing of what has gone before, so (hopefully) you won't need to know what's been going on in the previous 50 chapters.

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

I like the idea of many inhabitants of a body. I touch on that, although from a totally different angle in my book where it is not possession as such, more that consciousness exists moment to moment and an infinite amount of threads can pass through an instance of a body, but I digress and you will have to read it
I have read up to Chap 26 and have found it a very clean MS with a flowing and engaging plot. There were times when a sense of frustration at not getting a glimpse of what is going on rises but so far there always seemed to be a hook that dragged you on. I have noted the times I felt this below as I felt them even if that feeling was overcome by plot movements shortly after. I will read till the end because I am enjoying it so much and see how it pans out 

- Perhaps put a bit of background/backstory explanation at end of C3 or C4 – people like mystery but can get bored or frustrated if nothing comes together for too long – maybe around “Already I miss Mescwars’s amber skies”
- C2 “You want me (to) become…
- .. as if chewing a wasp sat (sitting) on a lemon…
- first sentence of C4 not easy to understand
- end of C12 is great and propels the reader. I am glad it came then as it was getting a bit “stretched” and needed a push.
- By C16 I was getting a little frustrated at the lack of direction again and the reader may benefit from some crumbs being tossed their way at this point 
- (forgot to note Chap for this) We need (to) be away from this place

Will get more to you later.

A Fatal Misuse of Time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.

SF42

Hi Rik

I've read 5 chapters, and find this to be one of the best written books I've come across on Authonomy. I came across one single technical error in all of those chapters. I'll get straight to the notes (bear in mind I didn't read that the chapters were meant to be confusing before I wrote these - but I still stand by what I've said):

"You want me to become the Guardian for the Band, yes?" Something about this doesn't work for me. Firstly, he doesn't sound surprised - I think taking out the 'yes' would see to that. But moreover, if he is so surprised, and it is as unheard of as you make it sound in the next line, then how does he guess that's what it is?

I know technically, there's no problem, but 'Spar render Bull' doesn't read right to me.

I like letting story and explanations, etc, seep through on their own, as you appear to do. However, I think in order to hold the reader's attention, you might think about adding in a little bit of explanation. Even if it's only about one of the things you mention. Like 'heat' or 'rendering' or the 'stones'. From what I've already read, I know you would be perfectly capable of adding it in a realistic and natural manner. Kal just musing about what happens when someone is rendered, for example. I just don't think there's enough of a hook to keep the reader doing the work to find out what's what - but just one small explanation would cover it.

'Tasking me with his news'?

Now I can't get 'these boots are made for walking' out of my head. Thanks.

'...icy river wind start(s) chiselling...'

Kal is clearly very patient, because Falc is pissing me off. I can't stand people who won't damnwell spit it out. Just giving away tiny bits at a time. If I was Kal, I'd have thrown him up against the wall by now and demanded he stop pissing around!

The way Kal adds 'yes' to the end of his questions is rather odd.

Muscle does not turn to fat. 'Replaced by' perhaps.

If Spar took a rebar, or whatever it was, to Bull's head, how is the host still alive? This is where the brief explanation of rendering would come in handy.

Telling us the back yard is small already suggests the lawn must be, too, without needing to repeat 'small'.

I didn't read any more, for two reasons. Firstly, there is very little pull for me to read on. I still, by the end of chapter 5, only have the faintest of ideas what is going on. Secondly, I'm standing up at my computer and my feet hurt now.

You say only to back this if we think it is publishable. I don't know. On the one hand, I think it is good enough to go into print tomorrow. On the other, because of the things I've mentioned - a touch of background/explanation chiefly - I think it needs one last going over. Because the latter is just my personal preference, I will back it. At the very least, it deserves to be seen by someone with inside knowledge of whether it is likely to work or not.

Good luck, and I look forward to when you reach my book in the list!

I note you wanted later chapters commenting on so I started out to read 41, 42 and 43

There is no point me trying to discuss the story as it is virtually impossible to pick up the threads so late in the book, so I concentrated on the British punctuation, line by line. In chapters 41 and 42. I honestly could not find any errors. There was only one place I could find where I would have put a comma, but really it is only a question of preference, so I haven't noted it.

There are 2 instances of your use of : where I would have used ; but to be honest, I am not sure which is correct without consulting a style guide.

My only concern, which is a minor point, is your use of names - eg Kal and Falc in sentences when they are talking directly to each other. I know it can save a tag, but I could follow who was talking without you mentioning the name. Having said that it was a delight to see the names correctly punctuated between quotes.

Chapter 41 seems to be a draft chapter in that it is made up entirely of dialogue. I assume you will address this by adding movement at the edit stage. As it stands, it is not very inspiring, other than the dialogue is realistic and outlines the situation at hand.

Chapter 42 and the meeting in the London bar is excellent. The dialogue, the movement, the descriptive narrative, it was impossible to fault it. The chapter was a delight to read, even though I didn't fully understand what happening with talk of rendering and taking over bodies.

Chapter 43. Maybe I should have started on Chapter 40 as this was only an outline of the chapters and as you say -'It is subject to change.'

My overall opinion is that providing your writing in all the chapters is of the quality of Chapter 42, then I would say that it would be the type of read I would enjoy.

Good luck completing this.

I have just finished the first six chapters and am hooked. I like to read a bit at a time in order to become really familiar with the characters. So far, the dialogue is informative and believable. I am impressed with the images you have given me about the setting, seeing the world thorough Sam's eyes and delighting in the discoveries that brings, as well as the sense of foreboding that something is terribly amiss. I like Sam already and am hoping he will not be destroyed by the future rendering his body will experience. am looking forward to the next read.

James

Hi Rik,

I've finally had a chance to give this a read. First of all, before I even got to the words, I have to tell you that the cover art really repulsed me. I don't know if it was the dribbles of whoknowswhat coming out of the mouth of the misshapen head or the angle of view being "odd" or just that it was a negative (white on black instead of black on white) but the image immediately turned me OFF this book. That's kind of the antithesis of what a book cover should do, right?

Okay, despite shuddering at the cover art, I started reading. It was interesting enough, and the writing's not lacking in mechanics (no typos, no sentence structural issues, no misuses of words or misspellings to bother me) but it seemed to lack any kind of punch. I suppose the best way to say that is there's some kind of pacing issue. It's too slow for me to engage. I'm a fan of edgier stuff so that might be a problem of taste, which is entirely personal and should not be weighted in as mattering to your authorial decisions unless your target audience says this, too. I suspect I am not your target audience. I do usually do SF space wars, military fiction, crime/mystery/suspense type stuff. That's NOT what this is so it's no surprise I found it "slow going."

The other reason I didn't engage easily was that the characters aren't very deeply-developed. I need more emotional engagement with my protagonist to really hook into their mind--and that's kind of the point of this book, isn't it? Hooking into the mind of the protag *haha* Adding more emotional content would make the characters richer. The best way I've found to do this is through voice. You seem to really like the third-person omniscient and while this gives it a nice polished feel, a literary feel, it doesn't do anything to suck me into the characters' minds and hearts and souls. It's very hard to use omniscient and get emotional content. Third-person limited works better.

Last crit is also negative, I'm sorry to say. I'm American and have never travelled the UK so I don't know where any of the places you keep using as chapter headings are located. I don't know if there's any significance to them, if they are all connected, if they are on opposite sides of the country--I'm ASSUMING they're all in the UK!! You don't even tell me that much. You assume I just ...know. By osmosis, I suppose. I think a little more development of the setting even though it keeps changing might tie the whole thing together more fluidly. It feels very choppy to me because of my geographic disorientation. I shouldn't be distracted by trying to figure out the setting. I'm not paying attention to the story because I AM, though.

I hope these 3 points of feedback help you. I'm not trying to diss the book but I would rather give honest feedback than just oooooohhh...aahhhhhh to anyone. I would hate to GET that kind of crit. If you'd like to get an edgy read a look, that's what mine is. If edgy suspense is not your bag, that's fine. I'd like your read, but I won't be at all offended if you would rather not due to taste issues. Please just drop me a note to let me know. Thanks!

-Friday

SF42 Feedback

Rik – I have completed reading the rest of the uploaded chapters (22-40). You’ll be pleased to know this is the last time you’ll have to read any of my rubbish comments.

Just a couple of points to mention –

1. Reality v Fantasy – Personally I think the strength of the story relies on the hosts being believable. If I believe that Sam and Marc are real, I believe the fantasy. For 95% of the novel I’m convinced but there are just a couple of things that bug me.
Firstly, Marc’s reaction to finding the newspaper story about Cathy. Surely there would have been blanket media coverage about a young girl gone missing. Why did Marc disappear? It seemed a bit convenient that he went away. Sam has apparently abducted a child and Marc is implicated.......he could be looking at a long jail sentence.
Secondly, Sam’s method of gaining access to the warehouse. He strips off and waits for a man to walk passed. I wasn’t sure who this man was and why he should have the keys to the warehouse. Also, I wasn’t sure I believed Sam would prostitute himself to get into the warehouse. What was his plan after they’d had sex?
2. I still don't know what the 'game' is. I don't think I've been told their objective. Is that correct?

That's it. Cracking story beautifully written. Look forward to buying the book & finding out what happens. Didn't read any of your plans for the remaining chapters because I don't want to spoil it.

Gareth

SF42 Feedback

Rik - This is a continuation from my previous comments. I've read chapter 9 to chapter 21 (inclusive).

Decided to back your book despite your message. Your novel has the qualities that interest me; superb writing and a great story. For me that makes it publishable. I'll be back to read the remainder very soon.

For your interest I've scribbled a few notes of some thoughts that occurred to me.

1. Kal and his pals hold onto their memories of previous lives. I wondered how they do that. As far as I can tell there's no brain cells physically implanted into the hosts head.
2. The plot is intricate and the lives of the characters are cleverly entwined. As the process continues I find myself stopping to check whose thoughts and dialogue I'm listening to. It's quite easy to get confused if you don't keep your wits about you. I think that's what you're aiming at, right? It's even more confusing now that Sam's playing more and more of a role in the story.
3. I like the contrast between modern and historic cultural differences. Personally I'd be happy with more of that.
4. I still think you could give a few more clues in the opening chapters to give the reader more inkling about Kal, his buddies and the processes involved. The story seemed a tad inaccessible to start with. I've got to chapter 22 and I'm still wondering if this is some kind of vampire game going on.
5. The mental fight sequence between Kal and Sam turned into a slightly comic sequence in my head. I sort of imagined someone punching and kicking themselves on the pavement.
6. I'm with Marc about Cathy staying in the flat. It's a bit weird. Also, Boude doesn't seem to let Cathy have any of her own thoughts.
7. I like the occasional and spurious insertion of Millwall into the story. I did a similar thing. Pure self indulgence but why not.

That's all I've got to say. Love the story. Fantasy in a realistic situation is my thing, especially when it's as well written as this.

Gareth

SF 42
Hi Rik,

First off, your idea about a shared consciousness, i.e. two souls in one body is compelling. Here are some notes I jotted down:

Chapter 1: I like how you draw the reader into the scene by using the different names that Kal has called Lonely City/London City. Starting with description about the backdrop or background is always good.

Chapter 2: Very engaging, I was instantly pulled into this modern version of Earth you've created, it seems grimy, but very very real.

Chapter 3: Bull and Spar actually built a family and Kal is 'wearing' the body of Bull and Spar's son - mind boggling.

Chapter 4: Spar and Bull are physically introduced in this chapter. Spar seems like a formidable character and I'm a little untrustworthy of her at this point, because of previous dialogue about her between Falc and Kal.

Chapter 5: The last time that Kal was out when Turkey was still the Empire and the Germans and the Russians had lost their kings. It still tugs at me about the concept of 'wearing' and 'riding' their host's body - a separate being inside another person's consciousness.

So far I have found your style of writing to be very easy-going. There are some out-of-this-world concepts and I was expecting that, but you took it to the next level with sharing the insides of host bodies.

I hope to read up to chapter 8. I see nothing at all wrong with your plot and theme so far, it's got an edge to it, but it's not forced upon the reader.

Have backed it.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories/Alecner

SF42
Rik,
Read the first eight chapters and found the story compelling and very well written. I think you already know that.

You're probably more interested in any adverse comments. I'm not the sharpest tool in the box so complex plots can leave me a bit stumped.
Chapters 1 & 2 seem to be purposefully confusing. I found myself trying to make mental notes of the conversations about 'the band', 'rendering' and 'missing stones'. Of course I knew these were important to the story but I was slightly annoyed that I'd have to re-read the opening chapters to make full sense of the conversation. I think it was your intention to add intrigue to the plot. If I plucked this book off the shelf and thumbed through the first few pages I might have put it back because I'd think it was quite a lot of effort to unravel the plot and there wasn't a lot to tell me whether I liked/disliked the characters enough.
Chapters 3 & 4 - The strength of the ideas really started to grip me but once again I was bamboozled by new characters and concepts. I liked the humour that began to emerge in this chapter. I do like a good chuckle.
Chapter 5 - Starting to tune into the story a lot more now; enough to wonder what the hosts think about their loss of memory during periods of conversation between Kal and Falc. I'm still wondering how credible that is.
Chapter 6 - The dream sequence told me that you're a stunning writer. You nailed this chapter. I did promise I'd concentrate on critical comments didn't I. The canteen food description was a bit odd. It was so brilliantly described that it sounded quite appetising to me. I'm not sure if you wanted it to sound that way.
Chapter 7 - Everything's getting better and better as I understand more of the key processes involved. Is it me, or is the reference to plastic bearing the weight of a camel a bit weird? As I was reading Kals thoughts about modern materials and inventions it did cross my mind that you could carry on for a very long time; thankfully the same thought occurred to Kal when he thinks.... 'I could go on all day'.
Chapter 8 - I'm still worrying about how the host copes with their sudden loss of control and presumably memory. If I was Sam I'd think it was time to make an appointment with the doctor. By the end of this chapter I still don't really know what I think about the main characters. Possibly by now I should have an opinion about them but I find myself reserving judgement. Is that bad or good?

Having said all the above, and I know you won't want me to say this, but this book is about the best thing I've read on this site so far. Although, in truth, I've only read a handful of books so far.
Gareth

HI Rik

You say in the pitch that the first chapters are meant to be confusing but to tell you the truth I followed what was going on without any problem. You put across this world with apparent spirits inhabiting hosts in a clear fashion and set up a deep mythology very quickly.

I like the opening line, a good first line is always a great way to hook the reader, and you achieve that. I did wonder if a few nicknames for London might have been good for inclusion in your list that follows, just to add a bit of character to this.

We get nice short chapters, so again they keep us interested and allow you to keep the twists and turns coming at a quick pace. And the chapter titles add interest although having two the same to start with seems to lessen this initial impact.

The writing has a strong voice for the character and the information is got over to us quickly without it being dumped in huge piles so well done in that way. Read up to end of Chapter 3 and only had a few things to mention otherwise.

Chapter 1

I kept thinking of the Band as the music or group sort, I know it isn’t but that stuck in my head for some reason.

I got caught on “I recall it was gruesome pain” should it be “I recall the pain was gruesome” or “I recall gruesome pain.” Or “I recall it was gruesomely painful”

Chapter 2

“You want me become the Guardian of the Band” should there be “to” between “me” and “become”? Or is this the way he talks?

Chapter 3

Maybe you could put a bit of flavour in the first paragraph just to add some life to the street, as it is just a direction at the moment, of where he headed.

You say that the Kal was the barmaid’s sole customer for most of the evening, but when Falc entered it sounded like there were a few people in the bar as he didn’t immediately see Kal.

The joy of joyriding sounded a bit strange; do you need to use joy? Would fun, pleasure, or thrill be a better choice to avoid the word repetition?

Should the bird’s bickers be bickering?

“The steel in this icy river wind start chiselling at my face” should be starts

Nice twist at the end of Chapter 3, a great way to get us to read on as we are wondering about if we are going to see this child and then you pull that out.

So that is all I can say at this point. You build a well-grounded other world that quickly draws us in and makes us want to discover its mysteries. It maybe could do with a bit more of Kal’s character coming out with regards to the flavour of his surrounding and maybe linked more to his memories of this place in the past, that might come out later as far as I know. But you have made a solid beginning to the tale.

Stephen

I've now read up to and including chapter 10. I'm still impressed at your command and use of language, although I felt the description of food in the dream canteen was perhaps a little over the top... on the other hand it was a dream sequence, so perhaps a little indulgence can be allowed. As for the dream sequences themselves, they are a pet hate of mine as I feel so few people can manage to do one properly ('Restless', from Season 4 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, being about the only one I can think of). Nonetheless, as dream sequences go yours are far from the worst that I've read, from the second one I've gathered that this is where the host starts to become aware of the presence inside him so they do at least have a purpose.

The dialogue sounds realistic, although of course it has so far only taken place between the possessed (for lack of a better word), and with no cultural reference point for them it's hard to say if something sounds out of place. I suppose the fact that nothing sounds out of place indicates that their natural speech pattern is something akin to a modern Englishman. It makes me wonder what the natural language of these beings is, and how readily they adapt to the language of the host; surely if they need to communicate with normal humans there would be some unfamiliarity with language or syntax, especially if they were last 'out' a hundred years ago in a different country?

This brings me to another point: In one of the earlier chapters Kal stated that ten minutes after saying goodbye to the barmaid his host was sober enough to operate heavy machinery. How familiar would he be with the concept of sobriety tests, the work safety instructions (given his host works in an office and so wouldn't see those sorts of safety signs) or indeed the concept of what heavy machinery is, if his last presence in a human was as long ago as suggested?

Finally, as an overall point: I think there has so far been too much happening without enough explanation. I'm aware that there are beings that possess the bodies of humans, that to die in their host's body is not (normally) to die in truth as they are 'caught' by 'stones', there is a 'band' that one of them will be entrusted with. What I don't know so far is why they take over someone's body in the first place, as they seem to have somewhere else to go when they're not there, and in fact seem to possibly prefer it (or at least treat it as a safe haven). Without at least a hint of this information, it's growing more and more difficult as the chapters progress to work out why I should care about Kal and what's going on with him. There's clearly something wrong, according to Falc, but without knowing what it's wrong *with*, it's all very abstract. At the moment, I am continuing to read due to the quality of your writing and an interest in the concept, as opposed to the actual story that you have so far constructed.

Hello,
I'm very happy to have you as an addition on my bookshelf Even though I know it is a work in progress I love the concept and believe this will be an excellent book once you have finished You have so much potential The wording and imagery you use is extraordinary The only part I don't care for much is the first paragraph I may be the only one who doesn't like it But I think you can exclude the entire paragraph where you are saying the many different ways of saying London Or at least shorten it up a bit to just have the reader know when you say "Londinium" you mean London It somewhat drags on But after that It's excellent Keep up the good work and I hope your work in progress will be completed soon and published!

This was the wrong book to discover at 11pm when I have work the next day.

I am going to be strong and stop reading at the end of chapter 3, although the hook you've set there is a MASSIVE one that will ensure that I continue to read when I next get time. I have very little to criticise so far, as your writing is crisp and intelligent without wallowing in your control of the language. The only thing I would suggest is giving your reader a little more to get their teeth into in terms of the 'meaning' of the story early on. You've given the names of the stones, a reader may make a guess at what is going on, 'rendering' and suchlike, but perhaps a *little* more information? No infodump, nothing to truly break the mystique, maybe just a couple of snippets or hints.

That said, I'm both impressed and interested, and will continue to read and critique should I find something that requires it. I am also backing it, since on the basis of what I've read so far, it is indeed one of the best books on authonomy (which is not to say I might not replace it with something better, should I find it).

Hi Rik,
I have not abandonded you. Just read 4 and 5. 4 has a good finale like 3, but my feedback is there needs to be more hooks in (not at the end) of the chapters. By the end of 5 I am wanting something more substantial in return for my time spent reading. Perhaps I am missing something but if I am, I am. I think you may need to shift to somewhere completely different in Ch 4. Your Final Ch3 hook can resonate through CH 4 and you reconnect with it in Ch 5.
None of that made sense possibly but I am hoping. The idea that the host is conscious while being occupied on a higher level is very interesting. Perhaps I don't do enough SF? Anyway, I like where you are at but I need a bit more pace and a bit of scene shifting. Now that is coming from someone with no qualifications whatsoever so dispense with it as you see fit.
Cheers Norton

Hi Rik,
Justy did 10-13 and will make one suggestion. Your style requires an experienced reader who will stay with the story as it unfolds. If you opened with 11-13 then 1-10 you might better hook the reader. I really just want to offer something in exchange for the work you do.

I've been scrunching my face trying to imagine biting into a wasp on a lemon and I have to say I'm quite sure I have not got it yet but I have amused myself trying. I enjoyed the first chapter and a half and then felt I was getting more of the same through to the end of Ch3. I was not confused. So my feedback for what it is worth is throw in something to create a bit of dramatic tension somewhere between Ch2 and 3. That might be bringing something you have already written forward adding a more visceral element like (Don't take me literally here) putting Kal into a barfight or a bit of self examination of his cadaver in the toilets or whatever. A small surprise. You hint at the cadavers conscious seeping into Kal at the end of Ch3. There might be a small but diverting tidbit you could put in earlier to raise the curiousity level and allow you to keep the momentum and structure you already have in place. Certainly no problems with the writing or phrasing and of all the books I have read here I thought your opening chapter one of the better ones, and I am not a SF fan at all.

An intriguing beginning. The writing is sharp, and not much is given away. Two minor (and I feel I should not really criticise as I am only a beginner at this) quibbles, the first, I don't think it needed all the different versions for the name London. One or two yes, six?
The second, I would change the word brick for the word stone. Brick makes me think of a rectangular red house brick.
As I said, very minor quibbles. I have put it on my watchlist and will comment further as I progress tomorrow, but I have to say it drew me in straight away.
I would be grateful if you could look at mine, and like you, welcome positive or negative comments. I am learning and sometimes cannot see where I may be going wrong.
Graham Lench
The Eighth Day

Rik,

I read what you wrote on a forum thread: "I think my current book posted on this site is very, very good. But I'm here on Autho to get reader feedback which can help me move the book from 'very, very good' to 'fucking awesome'."

I read through your first chapter. the writing itself is quite readable. But not very exciting. When you start with "Fales instructions were to meet him..." you get into what is called "telling" rather than "showing". Why can't we "see" Fale instructing him?

There's probably about ten other comments I'd make if authonomy was a critiquing website. It's not. People are here only to tell you what they think you want to hear in order to have you read their book and rate them or whatever.

You write well, you're obviously a smart guy. ... You've had a work here since november and you have 10 backings. Obviously, there's something wrong, maybe something that people aren't telling you. Maybe they don't know. Your writing is clean, your blurb is engaging, but no one wants to know your names for London. When I sit down to a book, I want to be hooked by a goal for your character. What is it that they are trying to achieve? What's happened to them? Why don't you 'show' us what happened when you got hit in the head by the brick, rather than telling us that you did?

I'm hoping I didn't offend. You really won't get good reader feedback on here. There are other places to get it. I wish you well with your work, and I hope anyway that some of my comments have helped.

Monicque
The Multiple Choice.

Rik, I read the first five chapters and I'm not at all confused. Obviously I need to read more before I can give you any sort of overall substantive feedback but I think it's worth acknowledging that the quality of your opening chapters is more than enough to make me want to read on.

SF42 - Still enjoying the idea in essence, but admit I am rather perturbed now – I assumed these travellers were able to move throughout time, but it suggests they come from long ago, if his excitement for plastic and electricity is anything to go on in chapter 7 (it has more a feel of fantasy than sci-fi about it – I am now seeing them as ancient magicians rather than time travellers or electronic entities). I also felt chapter 7, like chapter 6 didn’t really take me anywhere in terms of plot and the things he found fascinating in Sam’s world, could’ve have been slotted in as the plot moved forward. I am really struggling with empathy, compounded by his offhand manner to his last host, and I think you need to consider who the reader is going to root for. Chapters 8-10 move things further forward but don’t leave me much clearer as to what has gone wrong and what is at stake. I get the point of the dreams now – in that Sam senses his presence and in the dream is able to talk to him, but I still would prefer not to have to read dreams. I feel as if you need to work on character development – Falc has left and the other characters are not really brought to life (Sam and his boyfriend), leaving me with a character I feel very little empathy for. Not sure how Spar and Bull were disposed of, but felt you should have given the reader more around this time. Also wonder why the only way they can render is for the host to die – surely there is a humane alternative? Hope these jumbled thoughts are useful in some way.

SF42 - Really enjoyed chapters 3-5. There is a lot going on, with hosts and rendering and bands. I like the way they inhabit the host, though they seem to care little for what happens to them, and this I find reduces my empathy for their safe return to wherever they need to get. It’s a well thought out idea, though i wonder if it isn’t a little overly complex – magic was mentioned at one point and there is so much to take in. I think you need to look at making it easy for the reader. Chapter 6 was when my attention wavered, I think its reading dreams I find offputting, they are always vague. Unless the dream is vital to the plot I would consider cutting it. I do want to read on, but I hope I pick up what is happening better as I go.

SF42 review

I have read the first ten chapters of Spin Trap. I emencly enjoy the fact that the story of Kal's origin is not pushed onto the reader. I like the mystery of trying to figure it out as I read.

I also appreciate the fact that the story is not overly full of descriptions that can take away from the story rather then add to it.

I will be backing the book 100% and look forward to being albe to read the rest.

Thank you for sharing such a great story.

Cassadie Rose Drake

SF42 review

P.S. I didn't find the first few chapters confusing.

Cass

Rik,
Getting into "Spin Trap" was like being led blindfolded to a rendezvous point where the scarf is ripped off and I'm blinking at the bright lights, still confused, objects just starting to take shape. Sure by now I know I'm one of the element who go around looking for hosts to enter and skulk in for an unspecified duration, once in a while messing with the occupied person's mental process. But so what? The point is still unclear. Is enlightenment earlier in the game in order? What I must say though is that your prose is compelling with exquisite descriptives that exude a poetic bent. It is the reason I read on.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

SF42 - I really enjoyed the opening two chapters, though I do wonder if dates might be helpful at the start as I am not entirely sure when it is. I didn't find it confusing - they use bodies as vessels once they arrive, and have distinctive auras that emanate making them recognisable to each other. No idea what they are trying to achieve, guardians of what? nor what the Band and Stones are, but I am confident this will become clear as I read on. Will be back.

I'm watch-listing and will come back to read more later. I haven't made a determination yet about whether or not I think it's publishable "as is." It may very well not be, but it's intriguing, compelling and original from the opening. I will come back to it and read more and give you a proper crit.

i have read the first four or five entries in you piece "Spin Trip", I like it, which is a bit unusual for me since i don't usually care for sci-fi or fantasy, the genre does allow you licence and i believe you use it interesting enough, that unseen forces can explain almost inexplicable behavior in people finds renonsance with me, why we do what we do sometimes does feel other worldly doesn't it, your first person approach and the need to slowly build context and background is i understand tricky, i think you for the most part pull it off but also think at times it gets in the way, for example you write something like "a quick glance and the worn, nicotene-brown room is enough to confirm his abscence" and the line though not obtuse seems to ring false, wouldn't a person say something like "i don't see him" then find a way of commenting on the stained room or something like that, but you do set a tone and you get to the point without exaggerated description and that brings the reader along well and gets him into your story, important becuase i don't think a reader wants to be bogged down with descriptions when he is looking for the essential details of the story, he reads on to find out what is happening and doesn't want to get hung up on description, i hope you find these comments at least interesting, i will put the book on my watch list, hope to get back to it, do i find your book publishable, yes, i don't see why not, you write well, it is interesting, i don't think you stopped being a good writer later on in your book, if you get a chance look at one of my pieces "ghost dance" or "crow diary"

Hello from the Alliance of Worldbuilders!

I've looked at about ten of the books on TRM's list today, and yours is the first one where I got past the first chapter, so you're obviously doing something right. But I stopped after the third chapter, having got fed up waiting for something to happen. You write well, the characters are interesting, and the premise of how the characters came to be there is interesting... they're just not *doing* anything interesting.

Steven J Pemberton / A Wizard's Daughter

Rik, I read two chapters, very very good. I enjoy intelligent fiction and your dialog and characters are complex and very human, which makes them entirely believable. I could picture the scene as if I were watching a movie. Your writing pulls the reader into a story that we will not beable to put down until we read the last word. I have no criticism for you and I understand that is what helps the most, but I really like your book. Sorry.

Susan
The Adventures of Sohi: Mystery of Moon Island

Well I've had this on my WL for some time and finally had a read of the first few chapters. I didn't notice the genre and when I started I thought 'oh no not more fantasy'! BUT you got me hooked. Your writing is terrific. It just carries the readrer along. I wasn't at all confused by the story and liked it a lot. I will read more in time. (If my host survives). I am backing this and I hope you have success with it.
Fontaine. P.S. My book 'Legacy' may not be your 'thing' so will understand if you don't reciprocate. I am really interested in finding good reads on here and in your book, I have.

Hi Rik. Came back for another read. Started from the start again and got to the end of 15. There were things in the first few chapters I didn't notice before. Not sure if you added stuff or by reading it again I was able to get a better grip on what was going on. The bit where he finds out they had some kids and that he is wearing their son is a great hook. I really like the concept and I think you manage it very well. The plot moves along at a nice pace with plenty more interesting things (some pretty dark things which happen to some of the characters) which we don't wittness but are made aware of. That works well for me and I really was involved in the story which is pretty mind bending.
Personally I found the story slowed down in the dreams. I can see the relavance of these as showing the inner-struggle going on in his subconscious. However, I found myself racing through these bits so I could get back to what seemed like the real story and I did wonder if they could be cut out. That said they are good bits but not as good as the other bits. In the dream when he tells him his name I can see that this could have an important symbolic effect on the direction of the story. I'll have to read more to find out if in fact these dreams have a lot more importance to the story than I thought at first.
The other bit where I noticed the story suddenly stops is the chapter when he is at work and he is wondering about all the technology. His thoughts about this are interesting (a time traveller from the past showing his impressions) but nothing happens to move the plot forward so it feels like it has stopped. I wondered if these thoughts could be weaved in amongst the plot more.
The stuff about him going to the doctor and the medication is very interesting. It suggests an alternative explanation for mental illness.
Overall I think this is a great, mind-bending story. Kind of reminds me Being John Malkovich mixed with Inception and Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. Backed.
Tim
Vitality

I read the opening chapter, then, based on your pitch, skipped around a bit. The premise is intriguing to say the least. I would imagine that many of us feel that they have been here before or are destined to walk this earth again, in another life. Yet seldom (if ever) do we identify with the being that connects those lives, the one that inhabits us as its host. Or perhaps there is no us, there is only the being, inhabiting the host like a puppet. The details quickly become blurred. This brings me to chapter twelve. The narrator seems unable to call his own name. Marc knows him as Sam. Reminds him that his mother has died. As he recounts the incident, he remembers that his name is Kal, recalls how his mother has died. Is he recalling his mother's death or that of Sam's mother? Did both women die the same? Is that the curse of the host, to live out the details of its inhabitants existence? As the story unfolds, the host begins to become aware of the inhabitant. The inhabitant must become exceedingly clever to distract the host from his presence. Intriguing yet puzzling in spots.

Jedah Mayberry
-Slow Train Comin'

Chapter 1 sets a nice moody tone. Chapter 2 is mainly converstaion and I'm not sure about the relavence of it all at this point but I enjoyed the flow of their chat. Also I like the simile about "chewing a wasp sat on a lemon". Chapter 3. I like the descriptions of London. It says "All you have to do is stick each other". Should it be "stick to each other"? I like "the teeth in this icy river wind start chewing on my face." I'm pretty curious about what they're up to now. "magic doesn't work, not here in the Outer World." Interesting. I'll be back to read more at some point.
Tim
VITALITY

I’ve read about 30 chapters and enjoyed the originality of this story. It’s a really nice idea, these parasites of the mind, and the writing reads well and tone is just right for the story. I don’t know how much you’ve rewritten the beginning, based on the comments you’ve received below, but for me it still needs a couple more pointers at the start to help the slightly older or dumber reader like me twig what’s going on a little faster. Just change the odd word or two here and there to remove the (deliberate) ambiguities.
How about, in Chapter 1. Para 1: “I’ve heard other names for it, the different times I’ve been here: ...”. Para 3: “My fingers are itching. Or rather, my host’s fingers are itching.” Then, as Kal/Sam enters the bar, perhaps he could catch sight of himself and provide a brief description of his current host for the reader. In Chapter 2, you say about Falc, “He wears an older body ...”. OK, I get it now – having read so much more, but I didn’t get it the first time. I took it for a turn of phrase. There’s another one a short while later, when Falc says “Nice outfit”. I, of course, thought the clothes. So perhaps Kal could feel his own face and chest in response to this - to make it clearer that Falc is referring to the body rather than the garments Kal is wearing.
Other thoughts. The first dream sequence lost me a little, so could perhaps be shortened, but the subsequent ones were more interesting as I liked the Kal-Sam conflicts.
Perhaps you could pile on the mysteries a little earlier on to make it more of a page-turner. The reader’s aware that there’s clearly something not quite right, but it’s a little too vague to feel truly menacing. Kal seems mildly puzzled rather than deeply concerned about what might be wrong. You could also possibly make more of the Kal-Sam conflicts, perhaps over Marc.
These minor quibbles aside, I think this could be a really good read when it’s finished. Looks like you’re about halfway there ... so good luck with the rest!

SpinTrap [shelved 10/1]

Quite an original concept, more of a sci-fi read than I was expecting. You say the first few chapters are deliberately confusing and, if so, you’ve certainly achieved this. It’s the way you use everyday terms, like “render”, “stone” and “heat”, in lowercase, to have a special meaning within your story which confused me. When I had read enough to have the meanings become clearer, I was surprised that the strategy had worked for me. The element of mystery and puzzlement, along with the way you gradually resolve it, introduced your premise wonderfully well. I must have read about 15 chapters by the time I stopped to write this. The way Kal marvels at the changes in the “Outer World” since he was last here, by the sound of it during the First World War is nicely done. The shared dreams and the perception in his host’s consciousness that he is there is also very good. I’ve just popped back to the beginning, and it makes a lot more sense now. But I do think that part at the end of Chapter 2 about Bull being pulled back by the different stones named by their proper names was unnecessarily confusing. As a general rule, I feel it is better to keep missing information to a minimum. If I have to come back and read the opening again to make sense of it, then that’s a problem. Although having said that, I can’t see that explaining all of this outright would have helped either. Perhaps he could discuss Bull’s fate with Mada, once the reader is more oriented. The general feeling of mystery really works. Coming back to the premise, that there’s something wrong in the Outer World which neither Kal nor Mada understand and have to find out about, the general approach you have followed is just fine. Oh and, I just skipped forward to chapter 16, where the dialogue between Kal and Boude is wonderfully done. You have said you don’t want backing unless you are ready to publish right now. There are a few tense agreement and other issues here and there which need further revision, but I’m going to put you on my list (see profile) for a couple of days on my shelf anyway. Your book deserves it. (See profile for list). If you can find the time, I hope you will enjoy taking a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return, thanks.

Rik -

Spin Trap - I came back to read chapter 32, Lambeth, which, btw, doesn't correlate with your chapter outline.
I thought you could simplify your sentences here and there - why put (wobbly) in brackets, why not ... wobbly bedside table? Or ... a working lamp swings from a wire ... would do. You use the term 'set' quite a lot. Take this with a pinch of salt.. By this end of this chapter I was a little confused. I'm aware that Sam is the host from earlier readings - but you start out with the unloved room, and Sam. From the sentence ... I leave him to his conjectures: I have other thoughts to worry about ... the room's gone and recollections start. To round up and ground this chapter your could return to the room and Sam's body. Will have to read the next chapter now.

Pia

An addendum to my comments: I looked at the chapter synopsis in chapter 34. On the plus side, the full complexity of the book surprised me pleasantly. On the negative side (for me, I 'm sure that others won't react this way), this is going to be a very, very long book. It will have to stay at the same high standard of the opening chapters to maintain my interest. That's not to say it doesn't or can't, just at that sort of length I would need it to.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Confident, smoothly written and with a distinctive and intriguing premise. There is much to like here.

I like the way the immediate narrative unwinds in the first three/ four chapters and at the same time reveals a little bit more each time of the bigger picture. The gradual reveal felt smooth and hooked me as a reader. The only transition that felt less smooth was the change from chapter 3 to chapter 4. The narrator's response to the unfolding picture seemed real until he found he was occupying the body of his colleagues' hosts. The reaction to this didn't seem as credible. I was expecting more of a reaction: surprise, say, or concern that he might be recognised at such close and sudden proximity or even some indication as to why he wasn't taken aback. Somehow the response he did make didn't ring true to me, but perhaps that's me?

I didn't notice any tiny typos as I was too caught up in the reading, which has got to be a good sign.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

Spin Trap
Rik, I read in the forum that you are looking for reviews of Chapter four onwards, so I’m looking at chapters five and six in detail.
Well. Your writing is faultless – it’s seamless, assured, and even though I’m not familiar with the story I’m already fully engaged. There’s a sense of restrained tension about this that I find very satisfying: ‘she doesn’t know I’m here’. ‘Pin a lie to the wall, test its meaning’. Excellent.
Sorry for my eagle eye: Tiny typos - ruse ‘persuades’, not pursuades. ‘Predilection’, not prediliction. Do you mean ‘bruises attract attention these days? It says ‘in’ these days.
Dialogue is tight and spare, which I like.
Rik, this is so intriguing as I read on, absolutely gripped by this. The tension you’ve created here is palpable, your writing compelling.
Diana

Spin Trap - A very interesting concept. I like your writing style and the way you progress the story with dialogue. I also like the short chapters, they help to move the story on and keep the reader's attention. If you tried to say more in one chapter it might put the reader off. Readers of sci-fi would be up to accepting these characters although I wanted to know more about them sooner. Perhaps Kal could describe his new host a bit more in the early chapters, explain what the Band is and how it works. These facts are probably rip fed throughout the story but personally I would like a bit more information from the beginning, but that is a personal preference. I would love to read the complete story so hope it goes well. Good luck.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man

I had shelved and commented upon this tome previously and felt that in view of authonomy's reshuffle it deserved another boost. The writing, as far as I can see, is pretty immaculate. I did/do have problems with the genre because - and I do wish you'd get yourself some tags - I'm unsure how one would class this; history - fantasy ? Both. Neither? It certainly makes the reader concentrate and think - no bad thing!
Because of all of the above Spin Trap should be published. Only a publishing editor, and one that has keen grasp of this particular genre, would, in my view, be able to guide you towards polished completion.

Hi Rik. I've read through the first nine chapters. There are a couple of typos here and there and I might return to point them out. I can't find anything more useful to say. This is highly accomplished stuff. It is thrilling, gripping and despite the wildness of the concepts involved it is very clear to the reader, which makes it very immersive. I am highly impressed. Cheers, TRM.

I'm glad you brought this back to Authonomy. I read and commented on it over 200 days ago. "How did I die that time?" Residing in another body, not satisfied with the shell with scabies, but the world that Sam occupies "holds some new delight." Kal is able to blank Sam out. Kal is the "guardian of the Band . . . I am in the Outer World, in a host called Sam." Simply, fascinating. I'll be back to read more when I get a little time. "Something is happening here. What it is, ain't exactly clear" (For What It's Worth - Steve Stills).

This is a strange but compelling book with a consistently scary feel. I liked the concept of Outer World and your appearance in Sam's dream perceived by yourself. You have neatly set the tone in chapter 1 with the initial sense of alienation, which by 11 where I finished up, had escalated into nightmare really. High starred, Lara
Good for Him

Back for more cake...I mean, Spin Trap...

CHAPTER TWO

The opening paragraph- it's alright, I guess. It tells what we need to know. But it'd kinda lacklustre. Not sure how you could improve this (if it needs improving) but it doesn't really hold my attention.

Dialogue- nice and conversational. Only 'Nice outfit'- rearrange the order and put 'He settles into the bench opposite me' after '....prefer it' and before 'Nice outfit'.

'Falc's smile is as'...why not just 'He knows something that's going to irritate me'. Removing the 'as if' helps gel the relationship together. Falc is obviously someone the main chara knows well so he should be able to read on the non-verbal cues.

'attempted to wash it; I had no difficulty' you don't really need the semicolon when a new sentence works just as well.

The dialogue is well-written. But the plot is sliding down a slippery slope. I've got no grounding of the character's usual habits, why he's been called out before, why he is inhabiting a body now, and suddenly you come out with all this stuff about Bands and Guardians. While I don't want the other extreme and a big page of info dump, this is a bit too bare bones for me. You need to give us some reasons why we need to be interested in this conversation. So, for example, having the MC moan about London and the obligation has to meet his friend (as you did in chapter one), then leading on to the fact that he only meets Falc due to special circumstances/ hasn't seen Falc in a while, not since the last 'incident' (I presume). Then in the pub give us more of Kal's inner thoughts. You did that great with the finger- give us some more. Kal can comment on how Falc is sitting, how he's drinking. And have Falc bring up the subject of the Bands more discretely and have Kal puzzle it out (which will help the reader puzzle it out). A bit more internal monologue and thought processes would help a lot here in getting us into Kal's head.

That's all I find lacking here- some more grounding of Kal as a character and how he fits in. Again, not asking you to reveal all the story up front, but just give us some insight into Kal as a person. Is he pleased to be in the pub? To see Kal? Or is he annoyed? Curious? Worried? Give us a better idea about how he is reacting to this meeting.

Writing wise, no problems.

CHAPTER THREE

This is what I'm talking about- now Kal's alone you bring us right into his thoughts, reactions and feelings. More of this in chapter two, please!

Okay you've got the ball rolling more, good...but again it feels very flat to me. You seem to be in a rush to get the story out. I would prefer a little bit more meat to sink my teeth into. Have Kal compare what's happening now to a past event, how times have changed kind of thing. How does he feel about Spar (you dropped some hints but maybe a deeper insight into the relationship would work better)? About taking on the role of Guardian? The strange goings on? You have snippets of Kal trying to force info out of Falc- make these more prominent and more difficult for Kal. Have Kal frustrated that Falc is being so secretive- how unlike/ or like it is of Falc to behave this way, compared to before. A contrast between past and present experiences of Kal (which you have included, just as single sentences) would really drive home the emphasis that today, something has changed, something is different (which is the reason why the book begins).

But solid, quality writing otherwise.

Good luck

Sam241

A message from me, the Author of this Tome.

Please do not shelve this book unless you truly feel that it is one of the best books currently on Authonomy, and is already of publishable standard.

You have lingered on my watchlist forever (as part of the Alliance thread), so now my obsession with cake has been quelled (don't ask), I would like to offer some crits. As always, discard/ dance upon the grave of or frame/ scream the praises of whichever of my observations you please.

ONE

I liked the opening, but I didn't quite get the need to refer to London in several different languages. For me I would prefer to be given some insight into what other people think of London, to contrast your protagonist's view of the same city. So 'That's my name for this place. Others say it's the heart of the party, a city that never sleeps, the Grand Capital, but to me it'll always be Lonely London.' Just a thought.

The next paragraph is very matter of fact- if that's the tone you're aiming for, spot on! Just a question- why the reference to lonely people city again? It might be better to reword it as 'Regardless, it didn't change the way I felt about Lonely London. In fact, nothing has, really.'

Fingers itching to scratch- nice turn of phrase!

'A quick glance around the worn'- this steps out of the narrator's voice too much for me. Just 'I can't see him in the nicotine-brown room.'

You mention the rain now- this was a bit jarring for me as you didn't mention the weather before and I had my own image in my head of what the environment was like outside.

'a panelled snug'- snug for me is enough, you don't need the added 'tucked away'.

What a great stunning line- we think it's an ordinary (or fairly ordinary) chap in a pub and then you spring that history on us. Excellent!

'dust-tasselled wall lamp' it could do without the 'for me'. Even if you're trying to separate the mind and body of the character, it works fine without it.

The ending is quite abrupt and doesn't really make much sense in relation to what's happened just before.

OVERALL

Good writing and the voice of the 'thing' has a strong flavour. Just ground the reactions a bit more, rather than direct observation (so what the 'thing' sees, why is it relevant to the 'thing'?)

I shall come back for chapters 2 and 3 tomorrow- have to go off to hospital. But it's interesting so far.

All the best

Sam241